Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 24 - What Time Does the Balloon Go Up? - full transcript

Over.

Let's get it!

Aw.

Hey, that was out.

What are you doing?

Everybody, back,
back, back, back, back.

Hey, give me that ball!

Everybody, back!

Now, just a minute.

Look, we got our rights.

The Geneva Convention says



we're supposed to have
one hour a day exercise.

We haven't been out
here more than 20 minutes.

Commandant's orders!

Everybody inside.

Now, back, back,
back, back, back, back!

Boy, if I don't get my exercise,

I'm going to wind up
looking like a big tub of lard.

Now, Carter, that's
in very bad taste.

What'd I say?

I don't see anything
in bad taste.

Well, old Schultz
knows you mean him.

That's in very bad taste.

I didn't...

What's going on, Schultz?



I have my orders.

Everybody inside.

Why don't you tell
us why, Schultzy?

I know nothing, nothing.

You're wasting
your time, Newkirk.

Klink doesn't tell Schultz
any important information.

Ah!

You think he didn't tell me

that the Gestapo is
around the camp, huh?

You're crazy.

Possible.

Why the Gestapo, Schultz?

That, I do not know,

and that, even Commandant
Klink does not know.

Now, everybody inside.

March.

Everybody inside, inside!

All right, all right.

Hey, Schultz...

a little something
from the boys.

What do you think's
going on, Colonel?

I don't know, but
this isn't a good time

for a visit from the Gestapo.

Is it ever a good time

for a visit from them?

You know, Kinch and LeBeau
ought to have made contact

with the British spy by now.

Yeah, let's check the tunnel.

If they're not back
in ten minutes,

we try a diversion.

I'd say this is a bit
of a sticky wicket.

What's a sticky wicket?

It's the British version

of "up the creek
without a paddle."

Hi. Colonel Hogan.

Downes is my name,
Christopher Downes.

This is Carter and Newkirk.

Glad to know you.

How are you, sir?

LeBeau and Kinchloe.

Yes, I've met them.

It's a rather smashing
idea you have

for getting people into
your camp, Colonel.

Getting you in was a lot easier

than getting you out.

But I was told

that wouldn't be
much of a problem.

Ordinarily, it wouldn't be,

but it looks like you brought
half the Gestapo with you.

I'm afraid I had no choice.

Berlin headquarters was
getting very suspicious,

so I took all the
valuable documents

I could lay my hands on

and got out as fast as I could.

We could keep him
down here, Colonel.

They should call off the
Gestapo in a week or two.

But that's impossible.

I've got to get this information

to the Allied
commanders immediately.

Not a chance.

Well, what about your wireless?

No good.

The Gestapo always brings in

a radio-detection unit.

We're out of business.

Colonel...

I must get word to
London by Tuesday night.

The British are going
to drop agents and arms

for the French resistance,

and the Germans
know the drop zones.

All right, but you
have to stay down here

till we figure a way
to smuggle you out

in the trunk of Klink's car.

Who is Klink?

Colonel Klink, sir, the
camp commandant.

And you expect to
smuggle me out in his car?

We've done it before.

If he drives any more
of the prisoners out,

he'll have to apply for
a chauffeur's license.

Well, I imagine that now
it's a bit different situation

with all those SS
chaps out there.

Well, it is a bit
of a sticky wicket.

I do hope I jolly well don't
get marooned up the stream

without an oar.

Come in, come in, come in.

Morning, Colonel.

Dismissed, Hogan.

If you have come
here to complain

about being confined
to the barracks,

it will do you no good.

Question your orders?

Not at all, sir.

I know you come from
a long line of Prussians...

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

That you're a
dedicated career officer

steeped in tradition...

Yes, yes, yes.

And you're the finest prison
commandant in all of Germany...

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And when the Gestapo
snaps their fingers, you jump.

That's right.

Hogan, sometimes you go too far.

Dismissed.

I don't blame you
for being upset, sir,

what with the fun-loving Gestapo

crawling all over the place.

They're probably looking to
put the blame on someone else

for their mistake.

What mistake?

I just hope it isn't you, sir.

I had nothing to do with it.

You may have a
chance to prove that

if you're lucky
enough to get a trial.

Trial?

He was one of their own men.

For three years,

he was a trusted secretary
to Heinrich Hausman,

a big Gestapo
official in Berlin.

Now, last week,

they found out he
was a British spy.

Why would they blame me?

Jealousy.

Ah, I bet I know

what's on your
cunning mind, sir.

You do?

Mm-hmm.

What's on my cunning mind?

You won't call
General Burkhalter,

because you figure the
phones are probably tapped,

so you'll get in your car,

and you'll go
over and fill him in

on the whole setup.

Oh, I admire the way

you military men stick together.

That's exactly what
was on my cunning mind.

To save time, sir, I'd
order that car right now.

You're absolutely right.

Mm-hmm.

I want my car brought
around to the office at 3:00.

4:00 would be more convenient.

Make that 4:00.

You will cancel the car, Klink.

Cancel the car.

No one goes in or out of
this camp until further notice.

Major Hochstetter, I'm
still in charge of this camp.

The Gestapo is now in charge.

By whose orders?

By General Burkhalter's orders.

That's good enough for me.

Are you satisfied, Colonel?

Hmm... satisfied.

What is this man doing here?

Yes, Hogan, what
are you doing here?

Undergoing
intensive interrogation.

He's brutal, sir, brutal.

Yes, sir, I am.

Bah!

I will deal with you both later.

Klink, anyone leaving
this camp will be shot!

Yes, Major.

Ah, these orders
are probably phony.

Look, why don't
you wait until dark,

grab the car,
keep the lights off.

You know the area cold.

Go over and see Burkhalter,

he'll pull the
Gestapo out of camp.

Hogan, that's the
most terrible idea

I've ever heard in my life.

Why?

If I get into that car,

I could be mistaken
for an escaping prisoner.

Now, the Gestapo has
orders to shoot and kill.

I would end up dead.

Now tell me the
part that's terrible.

Dismissed!

All right, fellas,

we got problems.

What happened, Colonel?

Hochstetter just
sealed off the camp.

Nobody can get in or out.

Including Klink?

Especially Klink.

That's what I call
a sticky picket.

That's wicket.

I'm making up my own saying.

Think I should try a
radio message, Colonel?

Too risky.

Downes has to get word to London

no later than Tuesday night.

But that is impossible.

Why doesn't somebody tell him

that's like trying to get
blood from a parsnip.

That's turnip.

Did you ever try to get
blood out of a parsnip?

Hey, Schultz!

What do you got there?

Hey, a teddy bear
and a bunny rabbit.

It's his birthday.

Happy birthday, Schultzy.

Happy birthday, Schultzy.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ That nobody can deny. ♪

How old are you, Schultzy?

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

It is not my birthday.

Don't tell me it's
Klink's birthday.

No.

Oh, these are the perfect gifts

for the man who has everything.

It's my nephew
Wolfie's birthday,

but I couldn't get out to
deliver him the presents.

Why not, Schultz?

Nobody is supposed
to leave the camp.

If they do, the Gestapo
has orders to shoot to kill.

What's the matter, Schultz?

It's just a balloon that popped.

No damage.

Who did that?

Uh... I did, Schultzy.

You did it on purpose?

No, honestly, it
was an accident.

Here, Schultzy.

Go back to your barracks

and play with your toys.

Here you are.

Aw, look at my balloon.

It's flying away.

Right now, it looks like
a balloon is the only thing

that can get out of this camp.

Okay, thanks, Sergeant McMahon.

I'll contact you as soon as I
make all the arrangements.

Right, Colonel.

Men, let's have
a council of war.

You got a plan, sir?

Of course, he's got a plan.

He always has a plan.

I bet I know what it is.

You're going to get my English
friend out in the dog truck.

The laundry truck?

The water truck?

Newkirk, could we hear
Colonel Hogan's plan?

Carter, if you'd
stop interrupting,

we'd be able to
hear, wouldn't we?

All right, fellas,

let me have your
undivided attention.

Newkirk, you play a
key role in this plan.

Naturally, sir.

I want you to start a
basket-weaving contest.

A basket-weaving contest?

That's right.

Carter'll be with you.

I'm not very good
at basket-weaving.

Could I enter the
beaded bag contest?

Just do as I say.

Yes, sir.

Am I supposed to weave
baskets, too, Colonel?

No, LeBeau, you're going to
be busy with a kite flying contest.

You want me to fly a kite.

That's right.

Sergeant McMahon'll
tell you what to do.

Kinch, you and the RAF
sergeant that was here

are in charge
of building a tent.

Yeah... how big a tent
did you want, Colonel?

Oh, big enough for the
baskets and the kites.

You're almost right.

I'll give you the exact
dimensions later.

Right now, I have to
talk to Colonel Klink.

Look, don't just stare at me.

Start getting your
material together.

Basket-weaving?

Kite flying.

Making a tent?

I'm afraid Colonel Hogan's
gone round the bend.

I guess the pressure
was too much,

and he finally cracked.

What are we going to do?

Well, the first
thing we got to do is

not let him know that we know.

Yeah, Newkirk is right.

We'll humor him.

Even if it means
weaving the baskets

and flying the kites.

I just hope Klink doesn't think
Colonel Hogan's out of his mind.

Colonel Hogan, you
are out of your mind.

Well, what's wrong with some
of your men building us a tent?

We need someplace to
store our athletic equipment

and Red Cross supplies.

May I remind you that your men

are prisoners in this
camp, not guests?

Well, since the
Gestapo took over,

your men have a lot of
free time on their hands.

And busy hands are happy hands.

Hogan.

All right, all right.

Well, then who's
going to build the tent?

Your men are going
to build the tent.

Okay, I'll get them
started on it right away.

Oh, Colonel, I wonder
if you'd do me a favor.

Now what is it?

Would you be the judge in
our basket-weaving contest?

Your what?

My men have
been inactive lately,

and I thought a little
basket-weaving would be a help.

Basket-weaving.

That's what your
men would like to do?

Oh, they were
crazy about the idea.

Mm-hmm.

Of course, if you don't want

to be the judge,
I'll ask Schultz.

Hogan! Never mind!

I'll be the judge.

Thank you, sir.

Basket-weaving, huh?

Mm-hmm.

No wonder you're losing the war.

All right, lads, now remember,

don't do anything to
upset Colonel Hogan.

Yes, in his condition,

any little thing could
make his mind go like this.

Here he comes.

Act casual.

Casual.

Okay, everything's
all set with Klink.

In fact, he's going to judge
our basket-weaving contest.

Klink is going to
judge the contest, huh?

That's right.

And you know what?

He thought I was out of my mind.

Oh, that man needs
some attention.

Well, we have to
have a talk with him.

Yeah, but we got
to be very subtle

with a man in his condition.

We'll skirt the issue and
don't mention his mind.

Kinch is right.

Let's go.

What can I do for you, fellas?

Colonel, we were just thinking

that you've had an awful
lot of pressure lately.

Yeah, on your mind.

I mean things on his mind.

Yeah, we figured

that as soon as the heat's off,

maybe we could
spring you for a little rest.

No trouble at all, sir.

LeBeau says you could
stay with his relatives

for a few days in France.

Just think, Colonel...
One week on the Riviera.

I think you fellas are
trying to tell me something.

Oh, no, Colonel.

We can't wait for that
basket-weaving contest.

And there's nothing I
like better than flying kites.

Let's face it, fellas.

You think I'm cracking up.

Well, that's ridiculous!

That's crazy, sir.

All right, let me put all
the pieces together for you.

The basket-weavers
are really making a basket

large enough to carry a man.

The tent makers
are making a balloon

out of old parachutes,

and the kite flyers are
gathering wind information

for our meteorologist,
Sergeant McMahon.

Now, we attach the
balloon to the basket,

fill it with hot air,

put our British friend inside
the basket with a parachute.

The balloon takes off,

he bails out over Dusselhafen
and is picked up by a sub.

Well?

How about two weeks
on the Riviera, sir?

LeBeau!

What do you think you're doing?

What does it look
like I'm doing?

Flying a kite.

Very good.

I don't know why everybody
keeps saying you're stupid.

Who said I'm stupid?

Schultz, I don't
want to name names.

Never mind.

The prisoners have permission

to build a tent and
to weave basket.

Nobody said anything
about flying a kite.

I know that, Schultz.
I just wanted...

Now, you listen to me.

If you don't take the kite down,

it will be ten
days in the cooler!

It would be worth it, Schultz,

to know that I made
one little boy happy.

What little boy?

Your nephew.

I made this kite for him.

I just wanted to
make sure it would fly.

You made the kite for
my nephew, Wolfgang?

Well, war is war, Schultz,

but I still would like to bring
a smile to a little boy's face.

You made it for Wolf.

Now, now, Schultz, don't cry.

Wolfie loves kites.

I used to take
him into the park,

and we both used to fly them.

Here, Schultz, fly this one.

May I?

Go ahead.

Oh... whoo...

It's a very good kite.

Well, I'm glad you like it.

Oh, it is a wonderful thing
to do something like this

for a little German boy.

I hope he remembers it when
he grows up into a dirty Boche.

LeBeau!

Schultz, what do you
think you're doing?

Flying a kite.

While you're on duty?

No wonder everybody
says you're stupid!

Klink, what do you
think you are doing?

Flying a kite, sir.

I can see that! Why?

Well, actually, I was
taking it away from Schultz.

One of your guards
is flying a kite?

Actually I was taking
it away from LeBeau.

I never saw that
kite before in my life!

But you said you made it
for my little nephew, Wolfie.

Now why would I make a
kite for a dirty, little Boche kid.

Klink, the prisoners are
trying to signal Allied flyers!

There'll be no kite flying!

Yes, sir.

What are those men
doing over there?

Making a tent.

So they can dig
escape tunnels under it?

There will be no tents
for prisoners, Klink.

Get rid of it.

And what are those men doing?

Oh, they're having a
basket-weaving contest.

Colonel Klink is the judge.

Yes.

Klink, I will have to start

another dossier on you.

Major Hochstetter,

if you would only
consider my record, I...

Major...

Good to see you put the Gestapo

in their place, sir.

Hogan, I did not give
you permission to fly kites!

Sergeant!

Take down the kite immediately.

Right, Colonel.

And I want you to tell your men

to get rid of that tent

by tomorrow morning roll call!

They'll get rid of it.

Hogan, you've got me in trouble

with the Gestapo again.

The Colonel Klink I know
would stand up to them.

Well, of course.

Like the Germans at Stalingrad.

Dismissed.

Everything's set for
tomorrow night, Colonel.

Yeah, but tomorrow
night may be too late.

Klink wants the
tent out by morning.

Sarge, how's the weather?

Perfect, but I don't think

the men can get
everything else ready in time.

Well, they're going to have to,

because tonight,
the balloon goes up.

Dreizehn, vierzehn, funfzehn!

Report!

All present and accounted for.

Thank you, Schultz.

Dismiss your men.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Everybody dismissed.

Thank you.

Oh, Colonel...

don't forget our contest, sir.

Really, Hogan.

Oh, wait till you
see the baskets.

They're great.

Oh, look, look, look.

Is that beautiful, huh?

Hogan, don't you
think it's about time

that you realized that this is

a prisoner of war camp,
and I, as commandant,

have better things
to do than to...

That one, I think, is the best.

Who's judging this
contest, you or I?

You, Herr Kommandant.

Go, go.

Uh-huh...

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Oh, yes, I like

the workmanship.

Yes.

Oh... that's magnificent.

That's ridiculous!

What would anyone use that for?

I told you so when
you were weaving it!

That's terrible!

Well, who asked for
your blasted opinion?

All right, all right, fellas.

Remember, it's not
whether you win or lose;

it's how you weave
your basket that counts.

Well, I told him it
was a terrible basket.

Oh, listen, you
just keep out of this.

All right, all right, you're
both out of the contest.

Now get this out of here.

I officially...

Both!

I withdraw!

What a gyp!

Now, this one, I like.

But this one has a
very good shape to it.

I would say that one of these
two baskets is the winner.

Ah, this one has
excellent workmanship.

That's the one I
would have chosen.

Oh.

Well, this one is the winner.

That's the one I made, Colonel.

Hey, congratulations, LeBeau.

Sorry.

Colonel, LeBeau would like

you to have that basket.

You would, huh?

I would be my pleasure, sir.

It has a handle and everything.

It'd come in very handy
at the Easter egg hunt.

Easter egg hunt?

Well, we wouldn't have one

and not invite you, sir.

Someone is trying
to get over the fence.

Get that balloon in the air.

I don't know how
long we can stall them.

Right, sir.

Good luck, Downes.

Thank you, Colonel.

Get him out of here.

Right. Come on,
boys, here we go.

You! Get that kite
off the wire fence!

No! No! The current!

Somebody turn off the current!

I want some organization here!

What is going on?!

Oh, come on, faster.

You're like an organ
grinder who's lost his monkey.

That's right, build it up.

Hey, LeBeau.

Ready?

I think we're about ready.

Try it, take out the pole.

Here we go, gentlemen.

Keep your fingers crossed.

Boy, if this works,
I'll be surprised.

Ha-ha! Look at that.

Hey, look at that, will you?

It's going up.

Here we go, lads.

There you go.

Watch that over there.

What is going on?!

This is absolute madness!

What is going on here, Klink?

Is someone trying to escape?

Well, it's not one of our men.

Who'd want to escape

in the middle of a
basket-weaving contest?

No one has ever escaped
from Stalag 13, ever.

What is going on here, Klink?

I told you to get
rid of those kites!

I told you to get
rid of those kites.

We're trying, sir, we're trying!

Sandbags, Carter.

LeBEAU: It's
going to be all right.

The sub's going to pick
you up. Don't worry about it.

Have a nice drink
in London, sir.

Hey, men!

What are you doing there?

Oh, we're just getting
rid of the basket

and the tent like old
Klink said we should, sir.

Oh, it's a very nice basket.

I wouldn't mind
having it myself.

Well, no, we
have to get rid of it,

because an order is an order.

What's this pipe?

LeBEAU: Uh, Schultz!

What?

There's a man
going over the fence.

Where?

Right over there!

I see nothing.

You always see nothing.

Let's go over and see.

No!

No, it's not my station.

LeBEAU: If you
don't get that prisoner,

I'm going to turn
you in to Klink!

Ho!

You're going to turn me in,

because I did not
arrest a prisoner?

I never wanted to tell you this.

Come over here.

What is it, LeBeau?

You better come over here.

I'm a secret member
of the Gestapo.

I'm Hermann Goering.

Don't you get it?

Hermann Goering.

Klink, I will not mention
this to General Burkhalter.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

No, I will report this directly
to Heinrich Himmler himself!

Hogan, this is your fault.

My fault?

Yes, it is.

Now I am in very deep
trouble with the Gestapo.

And if I'm lucky, they'll
transfer me to the Russian front.

Don't worry, sir,
if that happens,

we'll have a knitting
contest to make you

a set of long woolen underwear.

Hogan...

do you realize they
haven't found that spy yet?

And they suspect...

that it has something
to do with Stalag 13.

I suspect it has
something to do with you.

Me!

I'm a prisoner in the toughest
P.O.W. camp in all of Germany.

I suppose next you'll be saying

I smuggle a spy in
under the Gestapo's nose

and flew him out in a balloon!

Good night, sir.