Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 23 - Axis Annie - full transcript

LeBEAU: Signal from Kinch.

Nothing yet, Colonel.

Keep your eye on him.

This a man or a woman
we're meeting, sir?

London said rendezvous with a
courier... code name Blue Fox.

It could be male or female.

If he was sure it was a woman,

he would have worn
his combat tuxedo.

Hey, LeBeau.

Boy, I'm freezing.

Didn't they tell you this
could be a chilly war?



Nobody said anything.

They just gave me a physical.

Forget it.

All right, spread out.

Newkirk, over there.

Carter over there.

And remember,
when we're through,

don't leave any
footprints in the snow.

Got you.

Colonel... alert from Kinch.

Come on.

Colonel Hogan?

Name, please.

Blue Fox. Hogan.



Trouble?

Ja, I had to crash a
checkpoint outside Wilhelmstadt.

They're following me.

I've got a four- or
five-minute lead... no more.

Maybe we can slow
them down a little.

No, it is better if they
think I'm working alone.

Otherwise it would
endanger the mission.

Here... you give that to a
man named Vandermeer.

He'll be traveling as a
salesman from Holland.

He'll be staying at
the Hauserhof Hotel

in Hammelburg a few days.

Vandermeer, Hauserhof
Hotel... got you.

Colonel, Kinch is flashing.

Another car.

All right... good luck.

Ja, I will need it.

Au revoir, Colonel.

Boy, those Krauts
are really moving.

Oui... don't they know
speeding is against the law?

Yeah, and there's never a
cop around when you need one.

Underground storage bunkers.

Probably a factory, too.

Look at the ventilators...
They're ground level.

Narrow-gauge tracks running
through the whole works.

And there's the clincher.

Three launching platforms.

Launching what?

This is the German rocket
base at Peenemunde.

Blimey.

Big stuff.

Hey, those bloody rockets

are pointing
straight at England.

Oh, I hope my sister Mavis
is all right, and Stephanie.

How come the air force hasn't
knocked that thing out, Colonel?

We've tried, but too
much of it is underground.

Bombing failed, so my guess
is they'll try a commando raid.

I'm glad it's got
nothing to do with us.

I'll buy that.

Our part of the
job is to get this

to a Mr. Vandermeer
at the Hauserhof Hotel.

He'll take it from there.

Not this week.

Message from the
Hammelburg underground.

"Blue Fox is dead.

Shot up his car, went off
the road, died in the crash."

That's terrible.

At least they
didn't capture him.

"Gestapo moving
units into Hammelburg.

"Patrol starting.

"Investigation must close down.

Urgent you pass
word on to London."

I couldn't make contact,
so I'll try again tonight.

Oh, great.

I was depending
on the underground

to tip us off when
Vandermeer arrived,

even watch him for
awhile, just to make sure.

Now we're really up the creek.

Colonel.

I'll take that flipping
map into Hammelburg.

There's enough Gestapo in
town for a convention... forget it.

You wouldn't get
100 yards on the road.

We're stuck with
this until the heat's off.

Well, what about Vandermeer?

I mean, he comes to town,
we don't show up, he leaves.

There's nothing we can do

until we get the alternate
plan from headquarters.

Problem right now is to
find a safe place to hide this.

Carter, stand up.

Take off your shirt.

Kinch, get me some tape.

Tape?

Hey, wait a minute, Colonel.

Why me?

In a crowd, Carter,

you're the one least likely
to be hiding secret papers.

I resent that.

I think... sir.

Just put it on.

It's not the going
on that bothers me.

It's when you take it
off... that stuff hurts.

If you don't cry,

the colonel will put you in

for a good-conduct medal.

I already got it.

Could have told you that.

Guten Tag, gentlemen.

You know if he
calls us gentlemen,

there must be something cooking.

Formation in ten minutes.

Commandant's orders.

What for? We just had one!

The Commandant
does not confide in me.

Very wise.

What's the matter with him?

I just took out his appendix.

And a beautiful job it was, too.

From his back?

Well, anybody can take
them out from the side.

I think I pulled a muscle.

Yeah... aw...

Oh, that's... that's terrible.

What's that?

The mustard plaster.

Nosy today, Schultz.

That's what they pay me for.

You call what they give
you every month pay?

Why don't you strike for
more money, Schultzy?

Don't start labor
trouble in the Luftwaffe.

Get up!

Turn around!

The other way.

Mustard plaster, huh?

Feels like paper.

You're much too
clever actually, Schultz.

I had some secret maps
and I hid them there.

On him?

Secrets?

With that face?

That Kraut's
getting out of line.

Report!

All present and accounted for.

Thank you, Sergeant.

It is now indeed
my great pleasure

to introduce to you
Fraulein Anna Gebhart

of the Propaganda Ministry.

Let's hear it for the
Fraulein, gentlemen!

Your basic Germanic bird
is sometimes very attractive.

Hallo, baby!

Gebhart.

I've heard that name before.

Read it someplace.

Gentlemen, the
Propaganda Ministry

is anxious to prove to the world

that the Third
Reich is observing

the Geneva Prisoner of War
Convention in every respect.

Quiet!

Silence!

It will mean the cooler

to anyone who does not listen.

Proceed, my dear.

Thank you.

My mission here is to interview

as many of you as possible,

record those interviews

and broadcast them on
my show over Radio Berlin.

LeBEAU: You must be kidding!

I am already under contract
to His Majesty the King.

Anna Gebhart... I've got it.

That's Axis Annie.

She broadcasts
to the Allied troops.

Axis Annie...

The dame who sells desertion?

In person... the whole bit.

Democracy is finished.

Give up, save yourself.

A real morale booster.

Boy, if my back wasn't taped,

I'd like to punch
her right in the nose.

Pass the word along.

Silence.

Boy if my back wasn't taped...

Now, anyone who cooperates
with Fraulein Gebhart

will be given special privileges

including two weeks of
white bread and butter.

Commandant, Fraulein.

Speaking for my men, we
decline your generous offer.

Colonel Hogan, in this case,

it's just possible that you
do not speak for your men.

Now, anyone who
wishes to cooperate

for special privileges,
raise his hand.

Dummkopf.

The Gestapo...

What are they doing here?

I know nothing... nothing!

Dismiss your men.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Achtung!

Everybody dismissed!

Yeah, they're going to
dismiss you, Schultzy,

if you put your
hand up much more.

Have we got company.

That's the radio
detection truck.

We try to reach London now,

they'll locate our transmitter.

What's the score, Colonel?

Maybe we can find out.

Kinch, is the bug
working in Klink's office?

Always.

I tested it this morning.

He's so efficient.

I don't know why the
war is taking so long.

Come on.

And he crashed
through the barrier.

He was heading away from
the border and into Germany.

An Allied agent, Herr Major?

Or saboteur.

Our theory is that
he was part of a gang,

possibly going to rendezvous
with someone in this area.

But who?

Could be anyone, Klink...

Farmer, townspeople.

Even one of your own guards.

My men?

Major Hochstetter, I assure you,

none of my men would
be involved in such a thing.

Not even for a bribe?

Not for all the
money in the world.

Tell me, how much do you think

they could get for
a thing like that?

This entire area is
under Gestapo control...

including your command, Klink.

Stalag 13?

Stalag 13 will be headquarters
for the investigation.

Aw... they've taken
his little stalag away.

I begged him to put it
in his lawyer's name.

You will carry on as usual,

but all non-routine matters
must be referred to me.

I may proceed with my
interviews, Herr Major?

There is your first
matter to deal with.

Well, Herr Major?

Let me think about that.

Very well.

While you are thinking,

I will call Herr
Goebbels in Berlin

and ask him what he thinks.

There is no reason why
you can't do the interviews.

Is there, Klink?

Oh, no Goebbels at all.

No reason.

There is no reason
why you cannot proceed.

That Axis Annie's got guts,

I'll say that for her.

Right.

She sorted Klink and the
major out soon enough.

Doesn't help us.

Yeah, we still have the Gestapo.

Or does it?

Does it what?

Help us.

Fraulein Gebhart knows how
to push the Gestapo around.

She gets things done.

Why can't we use her

to get into town and deliver
the message to Vandermeer?

Colonel, come on.

She wants to interview us.

Klink's offering privileges.

We'll make a deal.

Tell people that the Krauts
observe the Geneva Convention?

Well, they do when it
fits in with their plans.

Broadcast for the
enemy, Colonel?

Not bloody likely.

Those rockets flying
out of Peenemunde

are creating havoc in England.

Our orders are to get
the message through

and that's all that's important.

Well, there is one other
thing that's important.

Carter's beginning to itch.

All right, Hogan,

I'll take the names

of those men that
will cooperate now.

Well, I don't know.

I mean, you just don't order men

to broadcast for the enemy.

You got to sell
them on the idea.

Now, what can I offer them?

Two weeks of white
bread and butter.

We had that for
openers, Commandant.

What do you want?

An extra hot shower per week,

no K.P., more
wood for the stoves.

Impossible.

English language books.

Very scarce.

So are men willing
to be interviewed.

Oh, how about a few shovels
for digging escape tunnels.

Shovels we got, but
we just struck rock.

We could use a couple of drills.

Insolence!

There has never been
a successful escape

from Stalag 13.

So you have told me,
Herr Kommandant.

Now Hogan, if I
grant these privileges,

will your men cooperate?

Well, I can try.

There's one more thing, sir.

More?

Yeah, they've been talking about

how nice it would be

to get out of camp
for a few hours,

maybe have dinner
at some place in town.

Dinner in tow...

Hogan, may I suggest the
dining room of the Hauserhof.

It's really a very
excellent place.

Perfect... they'd be willing
to go under guard, of course.

That's very decent of you.

Forget it!

It does seem like a lot.

Look lady, we
didn't send for you.

This is your idea... remember?

Impossible.

The entire area is
under Gestapo control.

Colonel.

I think I could convince
Herr Goebbels.

All right.

Do I have your
word as an officer

that your men will
not try to escape?

Absolutely.

Who'd want to leave this?

It's like a country club...

with the most wonderful
pro in the world.

We got five of them

in the last supply
drop from London.

That thing'll start a fire?

Oh, sure... the hottest.

It's used in sabotage a lot.

Ever fail?

You kidding?

Can't... it's too simple.

It's just acid and magnesium.

You just push these two parts...

You'd love it if you saw it.

Anyway, the acid
ignites the magnesium

and then up she goes.

Sets fire to anything.

He really knows.

After the war,

how are they going to keep him

down on the farm?

With fireworks
every Saturday night.

All right... now here's
how the plan'll work.

I'll tell Klink
that three of us...

LeBeau, Newkirk
and I... Will cooperate.

Kinch, you and Carter refused.

We refused?

We're the good guys
and they're the bad guys.

Oh.

They'll take us into
Hammelburg for the dinner.

We'll see that
Vandermeer gets the plans.

Axis Annie's going to make
wax recordings of the interviews.

While we're gone, make
sure to destroy them,

otherwise we're in
for a court-martial.

How do we get at
those recordings?

Follow me... The
radio detection truck

is taking its power
from Building 9,

where they've also stored
the recording equipment.

Now, see that power line?

That's the payoff.

You notice they're
guarding the truck,

but not Building 9.

Carter, do you
think you could fix

a couple of those magnesium
pencils to attach to that cable?

Yeah, I think so.

All right, what you'll do is

you'll approach the
building from the blind side.

You attach the
pencils to the cable

and they should slide direct
to the gas tank of the truck.

And while the Krauts
are busy with the fire,

we go for the recordings.

And I mean go for them.

Drop an extra pencil in there.

We destroy the
recordings and the truck

and we're back in the
communications business.

And then what happens

if those Gestapo
guys start shooting?

Then we're dead,
right? Then what?

At least your back
will stop itching.

Greetings, GIs.

This is your favorite enemy,

Axis Annie, over Radio Berlin.

I've got a very special
show for you today, fellows,

so stand by, all you
handsome losers.

I may punch her
in the nose myself.

Forget it... we volunteered.

Those missions against Germany.

Here's a little advice
from Axis Annie.

When you bail out, don't fight.

Play it smart... give up.

Germany observes
the Geneva Convention.

But don't take my word for it.

Here's our first guest...

Colonel Robert Hogan
from Bridgeport, Connecticut.

Colonel?

Colonel Hogan, how
long have you been

a prisoner of war?

A couple years.

What can you tell us about
the Luft Stalag where you are?

It's a nice place
to be captured,

but I wouldn't
want to live here.

You're joking, of course.

Yes, of course.

Actually, the
commandant of the camp

is a very intelligent man.

He does everything possible to
make it more comfortable for us.

In fact, with men like him,

I can see where you're
going to win the war.

Thank you, Colonel.

In your experience, have
the German authorities

always observed the
Geneva Convention?

Well, I admit I was
a little surprised,

but, uh, they are
fair and humane

with the prisoners at all times.

Thank you, Colonel Hogan.

Lovely food, beautiful
accommodations.

You couldn't ask
for anything better.

Well, you... or you could
ask, but it wouldn't help.

You have any complaints?

Well, just one.

No birds.

Birds?

Uh, Frauleins.

Ladies... you know.

Oh, yes, of course.

But if you're happy
in your stalag,

is feminine company
so important to you?

What are you doing after
the broadcast, sweetheart?

Have you ever witnessed

any mistreatment
of prisoners of war?

Only once... it happened to me.

You see, I am a cook

and I was making a
"Tournedos Rossini"

They confiscated my mushrooms.

Any reason?

Jealousy.

I would hardly call
that inhuman treatment.

You would if you
were a Frenchman.

All right, now remember,

wait about two
hours after we're gone

before you make your move.

One more thing.

LeBeau? The door.

Right, Colonel.

All right, Carter...

The moment of truth has arrived.

The envelope, please.

Yes, sir.

I've been dreading this.

Let me know... fast or slow?

I don't know, sir.

You know, they say
that doing it fast is better,

but I'm not so sure.

Kinch, what do you think?

Oh, it's a toss up, really.

You know, sir,

I think the shock of
going slowly would...

You got it!

Speedy Gonzalez.

Boy, you can hide stuff
on my back anytime.

All right... next time
we'll steal a tank.

All right, that's "Vandermeer,
Hauserhof Hotel."

LeBEAU: Attention... Schultz.

Colonel Hogan.

I have orders to take
you, the Englander

and that little one
to Major Hochstetter.

The car is waiting outside.

And... no monkey business.

Good-bye.

Okay.

Good luck.

Wait a minute.

You say good luck to them

just for one night's sleep?

Schultz, we're trying
to make it a friendly war.

Heraus!

Good luck.

Thanks.

I have ordered an
absolutely marvelous dinner

and I know we'll all enjoy it.

You're one of the great

party givers, Commandant.

Thank you, Colonel Hogan.

I disapprove of this
sort of fraternization.

We do too, sir.

Silence.

And I'm against this
bargain with prisoners.

You didn't have to come here.

They are well guarded.

I trust no one.

You have your records.

Is this party necessary,
or this a matter of honor?

Oh, honor?

Don't be silly.

A few photographs

of prisoners enjoying themselves

and then you can do
whatever you want with them.

Or would you prefer to discuss
propaganda with Herr Goebbels?

No, no, it's an excellent idea.

Now, we shall all have
a wonderful time, yes?

How about a few pictures, huh?

Pictures... Oh,
that's a marvelous...

Let me sit over here.

Now, come on... look happy.

Just a moment, I'm not ready.

There we go.

How's that?

Very nice.

Isn't this exciting?

I'd like a dozen
8 x 10s of those.

Gentlemen.

Fraulein.

To Stalag 13.

To Stalag 13!

Feuer!

Feuer!

Boy, that's a great fire.

Should have brought
those marshmallows.

Let's get the recordings.

Get another one of
those goodies ready.

LeBEAU: Some more wine, Colonel.

More wine!

Klink, you're making
a fool of yourself.

Let's start the party.

Right.

Fraulein, why don't
you take a picture

of our French chef preparing a
flaming dish for the commandant?

For me?

Ah, charming idea.

Marvelous... let's
have another picture.

You'll love this, sir.

Thank you, thank you.

Schultz loves my
cherries jubilee.

Don't forget the schnapps.

This will be a marvelous dish.

Lots of schnapps.

Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja.

Lots of schnapps.

LeBeau, aren't you pouring
a little bit too much brandy?

Oh, no, no, no...
It's an old recipe

my grandfather taught me.

LeBEAU: And now
for the big moment.

Ah, beautiful!

Excuse me, Fraulein.

May I have this dance?

Fraulein?

Oh, last time you
were a Fraulein,

Hitler was a corporal.

Hey, hey, I asked her
to dance, mate, not you.

What is...?

Schultz, bring the guard.

Get that man...

Fire!

Feuer!

Alert the guards right now!

Fire!

There's a fire. Call the guards!

There's a fire!

Put out the fire.

Put out the fire.

Oh, blimey.

It's just like London.

Fire!

It's a diversion.

They're trying to escape.

Use your guns.

Use your gun!

No! Someone could get hurt.

No, don't use your gun.

Fire.

Get in there and help.

Schnell!

Herr Vandermeer's room.

Vandermeer.

Danke.

Fire.

Vandermeer, don't talk, listen.

I have a letter from a
friend of yours, Blue Fox.

I'll leave it in your mailbox.

What's the number?

Twenty-eight.

Right.

And good luck.

What are doing on the telephone?

Yes, a riot and a fire
at the Hauserhof Hotel.

And hurry.

Just calling the police.

Obviously the Gestapo
can't cope with this.

Let me see about that.

Hogan!

It's a great party, Commandant.

In fact, I have an idea.

What, what, what?

Why don't we all get together

and do this again next year.

Ja.

Ja.

Mm-hmm.

Ja, ja.

I'm checking out.

Vandermeer.

Room 28.

The fire spread to Building 9?

What? All of them?

Anyone hurt?

I understand.

Yes, make a count
of all the prisoners.

Oh, there's a
letter in my mailbox.

May I have it, please?

I will get there
in a few minutes.

When I do, all guards
on standby alert.

Good night.

Oh, pardon me.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

I believe you
dropped this letter.

Thank you, thank you so much.

Good night.

My pleasure.

Hogan, the fire
at Stalag 13 is out.

Apparently it started in
the radio detection truck

and spread to Building 9.

The truck and all the
records are destroyed.

Oh, what a shame.

Want us to do the
interviews again?

Oh, what would you
like in exchange?

We're running out of hotels.

How about a nice sit-down
dinner at Berchtesgaden.

Forget it.