Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 9 - Hot Money - full transcript
The Germans have set up a money-counterfeiting operation in the camp, and Hogan is planning on destroying it.
Everything ready, Schultz?
Yes, Herr Kommandant.
Lilacs in autumn.
Now, the convoy will
arrive at 2200 hours.
That's in a few minutes.
Are the prisoners all
accounted for in the barracks?
Jawohl, herr Kommandant.
I even got extra guards.
The prisoners are
sleeping peacefully
like little children
dreaming of digging tunnels
and escaping back
home and seeing...
Schultz, I'm
asking for a report,
not a bedtime story.
Yes, Herr Kommandant.
It must be something important.
Klink's out there with Schultz.
He never comes out
of his quarters at night.
I think Old Blood and Guts
is afraid of the dark.
They've been getting that
building ready for a week.
Yeah, ready for
what? They wouldn't go
to all this trouble
unless... Wait a minute.
A staff car and a truck.
I just can't figure it.
What's in those boxes?
LeBEAU: Guns?
Ammunitions, maybe.
No, the boxes are
the wrong shapes.
Why those civilians,
and why are they guarding
this stuff, whatever it is?
Gentlemen, I'm curious.
Well, you can't get out there.
Yeah, we'd never pass
the Kraut guarding the door.
Yeah, there must be a way.
Think for a minute.
Hey, I got a solution, sir.
Why don't we all go to bed
and mind our own business?
He always comes up with
something, doesn't he?
Why doesn't one of
us just open the door
and walk out there?
And, if somebody stops us,
we just say we're
going for a walk.
Just like that, huh?
Sure. Casually.
It's got to work,
because it's simple.
It's so simple, you
go ahead and do it.
Me?
Yeah, it's your idea.
Just tell the guy
you're out for a walk.
Right.
Just put it anywhere.
Eight, gentlemen,
Eight is the point.
Oh! Well done, here. Big eight
is what we're after.
Howie does eight.
Hey, what about the odd way?
That would be two
fours for those of you
who are not in the regular army.
Oh, you give back the
card. Come on, Carter.
All right, come on,
come on, come on.
What's going on in here?
We're having a community sing.
With money and dice?
Uh, well, it makes
the slower songs
a bit more
interesting, Schulzty.
You're gambling!
Ah, you could put it that way.
This is against regulations.
I have to report you all
to the Commandant
for breaking the rules.
Aw, come on, Schultzy.
Ja!
What's the point?
Ten. Big ten.
You're very lucky...
I have to get evidence...
Oh, hold it, hold it.
Before I report you all.
Wow.
Mmm!
Mmm!
It's real enough, isn't it?
50... no ten.
Right. You're covered, Schultzy,
and the best of
Germanic luck to you.
Good luck.
The point is ten,
and he's rolling for a ten.
And he made it!
Come on, that's great.
Well done. We'll
play him out here.
And I think... Yes, uh...
You lose, Schultzy.
Easy come, easy go.
Ha! Ha-ha!
Got a new shooter,
ladies and gentlemen.
Introducing Sergeant Schultz,
Germany's answer
to Nick the Greek.
Good luck to you.
A big roll of cash?
He's got a fistful of them,
and he's betting
like a rich dentist.
It looks all right,
feels all right.
Where would Schultz
get Yankee money?
You never know with the Germans.
Hey, Colonel,
take a look at this.
It's General Grant, all right...
You can tell by the beard...
But look at the words
"Federal Reserve note."
Hey, the second "E" in
"Federal" is out of line.
You got it.
So what does that prove?
Well, every bill is inspected
before it's put
into circulation.
They would have
found that mistake
and destroyed the plate.
It's a phony.
Good one, though.
Holy cow.
Schultz is betting these.
A British five-pound
note? Schultz?
Newkirk got so excited,
he almost put the straight dice
back in the game.
We can't have that.
That's a dangerous precedent.
Is this a fake?
Well, if the $50 bill's a
phony, can this be far behind?
Let's break up the game.
Colonel Hogan, you won't
tell Commandant Klink?
Like a flash.
You walk in here
loaded with fake money,
trying to break the game.
But, Colonel Hogan,
they told me it was
a community sing.
Come on. Where did
you get the crazy money?
I found it.
Honestly.
I have a way of walking
with my head down.
It's easier,
because my head is very heavy.
Schultz, you're lying.
Mm-hmm.
When I tell Klink
this whole story,
you're gonna spend the
rest of your natural life
at the Russian front.
You see the new
building over there?
Uh... Colonel Hogan!
I told you 100 times
not to be outside
during the night!
100 times!
They have printing presses,
paper, ink... everything.
They are going to
make counterfeit money
right here, because
a P.O.W. camp is safe
for everybody but me.
And some of the money
stuck to your fingers, huh?
You know, when they moved in,
a box fell down and opened.
How much have
they printed, Schultz?
Those are samples.
They haven't started yet.
They're looking for
experts to help them.
I think it's pretty
good stuff myself.
Okay, Schultz, you can go.
Oh. You won't report me?
I gave you my word.
Thank you, Colonel Hogan.
They could make
enough phony money
to flood the world.
Yeah, and they'll
probably spread it
through neutral countries.
It would ruin every currency.
Bleeding Krauts.
They're taking all
the fun out of money.
Isn't there something
we can do, Colonel?
Well, we can't tunnel in.
It's guarded too closely.
All we need is one man in there.
Schultz said they
were shorthanded.
Well, maybe one of us could...
Us?
We don't know anything
about counterfeit money
or forgery, do we, Newkirk?
I never forged anything
more than a three-day pass.
Could you duplicate
Klink's signature?
I've never tried, but
I'm not without talent,
if you don't mind me saying so.
We do.
Hey, wait.
We got Klink's
signature, Colonel.
Here we are. Got it.
A couple of weeks ago,
Klink was signing
a stack of papers.
I slipped a blank sheet in.
He signed it
without realizing it.
It's beautiful.
See, there's a man
who uses the old loaf.
Kinch, I'm proud
to be one of your fellow sneaks.
Gives us a fighting chance.
Take a letter.
Right.
Ready? Ready.
"Special notice.
"Prisoners of all
ranks Luft Stalag 13,
"you are cordially invited
"to a cocktail party to be held
"in the rec hall Saturday night.
"Immediately afterward,
the main gate will be opened.
"You all may leave camp
"until Monday morning,
7:00 a.m. roll call...
"The commandant of Stalag 13
wishes one and all a good time.
"Have fun.
Heil Hitler."
Make that nice and neat,
and put it right over
Klink's signature.
What's going on here?
Go away, go away.
What's going on here?
Well, look at it, Schultzy.
Nothing to do
with you, Schultzy,
really, I mean...
It's very interesting.
Go ahead. Ain't that nice?!
And I'm sure you're all aware
of the invitation on
the bulletin board.
Colonel, I want to thank you
on behalf of the
men in my command.
Silence!
You will disregard
that invitation.
Now, hold it, fellas, hold it.
Maybe the Commandant wants
to change the night
of the cocktail party.
Hey, all right. That would work.
I think we're available.
Silence.
Now that we've had
our childish little laugh,
there is a more serious
aspect to this matter.
Someone has forged my signature.
Now, the man responsible
for this will take
two steps forward.
And, if you try to
defy my authority,
I promise you there will
be dire consequences.
I'm here, sir.
Oh.
Sergeant Schultz.
Bring this man to my office.
Notify Major Bock.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Dismissed.
Now, let me
understand this correctly.
You admit to
forging my signature,
but you would not tell us why.
He doesn't have to tell you.
I didn't ask you, Hogan.
Speak for yourself.
I would rather not, uh,
answer any questions
at this particular time, sir.
Oh.
You would rather not.
We'll see about that.
He's not gonna talk, Commandant,
so just forget it.
Order his punishment,
and let's get on with the war.
Quiet, Hogan.
I don't think we need
detain Colonel Hogan
any longer, Herr Kommandant.
We don't?
One of my men is
being interrogated.
I demand to be present.
Demand, Colonel?
Request?
Request denied.
Request denied.
As long as it's unanimous.
I'll be outside, Newkirk.
Don't let 'em push you around.
No, sir. Thank you, sir.
Blimey. I thought
he'd never leave.
Now, we have wasted enough time.
We...
You mean you
wanted him out of here?
Well, I... I
couldn't talk to you
in front of him,
could I, really?
Not with that
proposition I've got.
LeBeau, go over to
the barracks quick.
Tell Kinch to turn on
the bug to Klink's office.
Right, Colonel. And tell him
to hook up his wire recorder
and get everything down.
I'd hate to miss anything.
Oui, Colonel.
You want to work for us?
Now you got it, Major.
I know what's going
on in that building,
and I can help you make
some of that lovely money.
All I want you to
do is let me have
whatever falls on
the ground each day.
Incredible. It's incredible!
Shh! Commandant, please.
That Hogan's got
ears like bloody radar.
I take it you know something
about this kind of work.
Well, I did a pretty fair job
on his signature, didn't I?
You're a criminal.
Sir, you're going to insult
me if you keep that up.
I assume you are familiar
with the Buckenheimer
rotary injector press?
I can put those things together
and tear 'em down again
with me eyes closed.
I've done it many times.
I see. Ever hear of Von Holtz?
Hear of him?
I met him in Zurich, 1938.
The greatest
counterfeiter of our time.
I choked with emotion
when he shook my hand.
He's a crook.
Oh, Commandant,
what's in a name?
Yes, he's a crook, Colonel...
but not the kind we need.
For your information,
Buckenheimer is the name
of Hitler's favorite
piano player.
What?
Go on. There's a
coincidence for you.
And just as Buckenheimer
is not a printing press,
Von Holtz is not
a counterfeiter.
He is one of our most
respected young scientists.
This man is a liar and a fraud.
Well, there's no
need to get ugly, sir.
Shut up! I knew it
from the beginning, sir.
He obviously got
hold of your signature
and thought he
could bluff his way
into the building and
pick up a little money.
Some forger.
Well, I could always learn.
You'll learn, all right.
You'll rot in the cooler.
Now, get out of here.
I'll deal with you later.
You don't want to
change your mind
and let me do a little
on-the-job training?
I-I'm a very quick study.
Out!
Not a word of this to anyone,
or I'll see to it you get
more than the cooler.
Yes, sir.
Colonel...
I must ask you not to mention
this incident in your
report to headquarters.
Not mention it? Why?
It's a very serious
breach of security.
I know, but
mistakes will happen.
Berlin does not
recognize mistakes.
It is watching this
operation very closely.
I can imagine, sir.
No. I don't think you can.
What I am going to tell
you now is top secret,
strictly between
us as fellow officers.
You may speak freely, sir.
Yesterday, our chief technician,
Herr Stoffel, made a remark
questioning the morality
of counterfeiting
even in wartime.
If I reported that to
Berlin, as I should,
nothing would happen to him,
but I would be court-martialed.
I can't imagine they
would do such a thing.
If there is a slipup, I will
be taken out and shot.
And you think that decision
has already been made?
Worse than that. It is final.
In matters like these,
there is no appeal.
If necessary, the
orders will be carried out.
Well, in that
case, we will forget
the inmate and his crazy scheme.
There will be no report.
Thank you, Colonel.
It's possible you
have saved my life.
It is final.
There is no appeal.
The order will be carried out.
Those Krauts are really afraid
of each other, aren't they?
Yeah. They could start
their own private war
and never even
call in outsiders.
Eh, it doesn't matter if
they are afraid of each other.
We still laid an
egg. I laid an egg.
And I hatched it.
There's still a chance
we might get
another shot at them.
How?
By playing them off
against each other.
Kinch, could you
doctor that recording...
Take words out, move
things around here and there?
I don't know. I could try.
All right. We go to work.
The target is Stoffel.
Their printing expert?
He's the logical one.
You heard what he said.
He's dead set
against counterfeiting.
But he's got no authority.
He doesn't need
it for our purpose.
If we can convince him
that they plan on shooting him
after his work is done,
he may do a job for us first.
Like what kind of a job?
Setting that building on fire.
Oh, you got to be kidding.
Kinch, where money is concerned,
I'm dead serious.
Here, Kinch.
Thanks.
Put it...
All finished?
That's it. It's the
best we can do.
We stand or fall on
that wire recording.
Do you think he'll
believe it, Colonel?
We're going to find out.
One more detail... the bait.
"Stoffel, your
life is in danger.
"Save yourself
Come to Barracks 3.
A friend." Friend?
What do you want him
to put down... enemy?
LeBeau, you take
lunch to the Krauts
in that building
every day at noon.
I want you to volunteer
for kitchen detail.
See that Stoffel gets that.
Right, Colonel.
Oh, we're going to need
a couple of smoke bombs.
I got some beauties
in the mattress.
Good. Have them ready.
Oh, you need anything else?
I got some magnesium pencils.
I got detonator caps,
delayed action fuses.
I got some plastic incendiary
tapes, and I got some...
Carter, you don't
have to sell me.
We're not going to take our
business to anybody else.
Colonel...
Schultz?
Schultz.
Lunch, gentlemen.
Sir.
Ja, ja, ja.
I need a breath of air.
Get back to work as
soon as you finish lunch.
He just left the building.
Good. He took the bait.
He's making a big
detour to get here.
Soon as the patient arrives,
tell him the doctor's ready.
Right.
Your friend is in there.
Please, tell me what this is...
In there.
You're lying.
They put you up
to this to test me.
Stoffel, you have
practically no future at all.
Major Bock, your watchdog,
has orders to get rid of you
as soon as you've printed
up enough money for him.
I don't believe it.
And I mean really
get rid of you.
No. They wouldn't.
They need me.
Now. Later, you'd just be a
man with too much on him.
Stoffel, would you recognize
Major Bock's voice
if you heard it?
Of course I would.
And Klink...
That's the tall creep
with the monocle.
Would you recognize his voice?
Possibly. I've talked with
him several times here.
Listen to this.
And be ready to
draw up your will.
What I am going
to tell you now,
Colonel, is top secret.
You may speak freely, sir.
When this operation is all over,
our chief technician,
Herr Stoffel,
will face a firing squad.
I can't imagine they
would do such a thing.
Herr Stoffel knows
a great many things.
He will be taken out and shot.
And, uh, you think that
decision has already been made?
It is final.
There is no appeal.
The orders will be carried out.
Any questions?
Well...
How did you get that recording?
I can't answer that question.
What do you want me to do?
That question I can answer.
All right, we got
about five minutes.
You think he'll come
through, Colonel?
We'll know by 3:00.
Now, remember, get in there fast
and go to work before
the Krauts get organized.
Well, what about the guards?
Suppose they start shooting.
That's a chance we have to take.
Stoffel has the smoke bombs.
LeBeau's over there...
He'll start yelling.
There'll be enough
confusion. It's a calculated risk.
Yeah? That's the worst kind.
Watch it. Here comes Schultz.
Colonel Hogan...
Hi, Schultz.
What is this?
Firefighting equipment, Schultz.
Just a drill.
You never know when
there might be a fire.
Where are the water buckets?
Water? Nobody uses
water to fight fire anymore.
Do they, fellas?
No!
That's horse-and-buggy
thinking, Schultz.
Whenever I talk to you,
I learn something.
So do we.
Achtung! Achtung! Fire! Fire!
Hurry! Mach
schnell! Mach schnell!
Get something to
put it out! Quickly!
Fire!
Fire! Fire!
Fire! Fire! Fire!
Fire! Fire!
Hoses and water buckets!
Hoses and water buckets!
Get those plates!
Get the plates!
Quick! Some more.
LeBeau, chop these up.
Yes, sir.
More, more. Bring more.
What's going on here?!
Easier to carry, Schultz.
Good! Very good!
You and you!
Get that fire
hose, and hurry up!
Get that fire hose!
Turn on the hose.
Hold it, Commandant...
Everything's under control.
It's a catastrophe!
Our whole plan is ruined.
Those plates can't be replaced.
What are we
going to tell Berlin?
Don't tell 'em, ask them.
For what?
Permission to hold a fire sale.
And, even though the
building was destroyed
I want to commend the men
of Barracks 3, and especially
Sergeant Schultz...
For their brave attempt
to put out the fire.
Thank you, sir!
Thank you very much!
There will be an extra ration
of white bread for one week.
Wonderful, wonderful.
Aw, you're spoiling us, sir.
Dismissed.
We did it, Colonel.
And we got away with it.
Yeah. By the time
they get reorganized,
I think the war will be over.
If they ever try to
start again, boy,
I got some more smoke bombs.
It's a pity to see
all that beautiful,
green dry goods
destroyed, though.
That reminds me. Schultz?
Yes, Colonel Hogan?
Schultz, I've always
had a lifelong ambition,
and you can make
that dream come true.
Who, me? Mm-hmm.
Yup.
Always wanted to have
money to burn, Schultz.
Aw...
Aw, Schultzy.
Yes, Herr Kommandant.
Lilacs in autumn.
Now, the convoy will
arrive at 2200 hours.
That's in a few minutes.
Are the prisoners all
accounted for in the barracks?
Jawohl, herr Kommandant.
I even got extra guards.
The prisoners are
sleeping peacefully
like little children
dreaming of digging tunnels
and escaping back
home and seeing...
Schultz, I'm
asking for a report,
not a bedtime story.
Yes, Herr Kommandant.
It must be something important.
Klink's out there with Schultz.
He never comes out
of his quarters at night.
I think Old Blood and Guts
is afraid of the dark.
They've been getting that
building ready for a week.
Yeah, ready for
what? They wouldn't go
to all this trouble
unless... Wait a minute.
A staff car and a truck.
I just can't figure it.
What's in those boxes?
LeBEAU: Guns?
Ammunitions, maybe.
No, the boxes are
the wrong shapes.
Why those civilians,
and why are they guarding
this stuff, whatever it is?
Gentlemen, I'm curious.
Well, you can't get out there.
Yeah, we'd never pass
the Kraut guarding the door.
Yeah, there must be a way.
Think for a minute.
Hey, I got a solution, sir.
Why don't we all go to bed
and mind our own business?
He always comes up with
something, doesn't he?
Why doesn't one of
us just open the door
and walk out there?
And, if somebody stops us,
we just say we're
going for a walk.
Just like that, huh?
Sure. Casually.
It's got to work,
because it's simple.
It's so simple, you
go ahead and do it.
Me?
Yeah, it's your idea.
Just tell the guy
you're out for a walk.
Right.
Just put it anywhere.
Eight, gentlemen,
Eight is the point.
Oh! Well done, here. Big eight
is what we're after.
Howie does eight.
Hey, what about the odd way?
That would be two
fours for those of you
who are not in the regular army.
Oh, you give back the
card. Come on, Carter.
All right, come on,
come on, come on.
What's going on in here?
We're having a community sing.
With money and dice?
Uh, well, it makes
the slower songs
a bit more
interesting, Schulzty.
You're gambling!
Ah, you could put it that way.
This is against regulations.
I have to report you all
to the Commandant
for breaking the rules.
Aw, come on, Schultzy.
Ja!
What's the point?
Ten. Big ten.
You're very lucky...
I have to get evidence...
Oh, hold it, hold it.
Before I report you all.
Wow.
Mmm!
Mmm!
It's real enough, isn't it?
50... no ten.
Right. You're covered, Schultzy,
and the best of
Germanic luck to you.
Good luck.
The point is ten,
and he's rolling for a ten.
And he made it!
Come on, that's great.
Well done. We'll
play him out here.
And I think... Yes, uh...
You lose, Schultzy.
Easy come, easy go.
Ha! Ha-ha!
Got a new shooter,
ladies and gentlemen.
Introducing Sergeant Schultz,
Germany's answer
to Nick the Greek.
Good luck to you.
A big roll of cash?
He's got a fistful of them,
and he's betting
like a rich dentist.
It looks all right,
feels all right.
Where would Schultz
get Yankee money?
You never know with the Germans.
Hey, Colonel,
take a look at this.
It's General Grant, all right...
You can tell by the beard...
But look at the words
"Federal Reserve note."
Hey, the second "E" in
"Federal" is out of line.
You got it.
So what does that prove?
Well, every bill is inspected
before it's put
into circulation.
They would have
found that mistake
and destroyed the plate.
It's a phony.
Good one, though.
Holy cow.
Schultz is betting these.
A British five-pound
note? Schultz?
Newkirk got so excited,
he almost put the straight dice
back in the game.
We can't have that.
That's a dangerous precedent.
Is this a fake?
Well, if the $50 bill's a
phony, can this be far behind?
Let's break up the game.
Colonel Hogan, you won't
tell Commandant Klink?
Like a flash.
You walk in here
loaded with fake money,
trying to break the game.
But, Colonel Hogan,
they told me it was
a community sing.
Come on. Where did
you get the crazy money?
I found it.
Honestly.
I have a way of walking
with my head down.
It's easier,
because my head is very heavy.
Schultz, you're lying.
Mm-hmm.
When I tell Klink
this whole story,
you're gonna spend the
rest of your natural life
at the Russian front.
You see the new
building over there?
Uh... Colonel Hogan!
I told you 100 times
not to be outside
during the night!
100 times!
They have printing presses,
paper, ink... everything.
They are going to
make counterfeit money
right here, because
a P.O.W. camp is safe
for everybody but me.
And some of the money
stuck to your fingers, huh?
You know, when they moved in,
a box fell down and opened.
How much have
they printed, Schultz?
Those are samples.
They haven't started yet.
They're looking for
experts to help them.
I think it's pretty
good stuff myself.
Okay, Schultz, you can go.
Oh. You won't report me?
I gave you my word.
Thank you, Colonel Hogan.
They could make
enough phony money
to flood the world.
Yeah, and they'll
probably spread it
through neutral countries.
It would ruin every currency.
Bleeding Krauts.
They're taking all
the fun out of money.
Isn't there something
we can do, Colonel?
Well, we can't tunnel in.
It's guarded too closely.
All we need is one man in there.
Schultz said they
were shorthanded.
Well, maybe one of us could...
Us?
We don't know anything
about counterfeit money
or forgery, do we, Newkirk?
I never forged anything
more than a three-day pass.
Could you duplicate
Klink's signature?
I've never tried, but
I'm not without talent,
if you don't mind me saying so.
We do.
Hey, wait.
We got Klink's
signature, Colonel.
Here we are. Got it.
A couple of weeks ago,
Klink was signing
a stack of papers.
I slipped a blank sheet in.
He signed it
without realizing it.
It's beautiful.
See, there's a man
who uses the old loaf.
Kinch, I'm proud
to be one of your fellow sneaks.
Gives us a fighting chance.
Take a letter.
Right.
Ready? Ready.
"Special notice.
"Prisoners of all
ranks Luft Stalag 13,
"you are cordially invited
"to a cocktail party to be held
"in the rec hall Saturday night.
"Immediately afterward,
the main gate will be opened.
"You all may leave camp
"until Monday morning,
7:00 a.m. roll call...
"The commandant of Stalag 13
wishes one and all a good time.
"Have fun.
Heil Hitler."
Make that nice and neat,
and put it right over
Klink's signature.
What's going on here?
Go away, go away.
What's going on here?
Well, look at it, Schultzy.
Nothing to do
with you, Schultzy,
really, I mean...
It's very interesting.
Go ahead. Ain't that nice?!
And I'm sure you're all aware
of the invitation on
the bulletin board.
Colonel, I want to thank you
on behalf of the
men in my command.
Silence!
You will disregard
that invitation.
Now, hold it, fellas, hold it.
Maybe the Commandant wants
to change the night
of the cocktail party.
Hey, all right. That would work.
I think we're available.
Silence.
Now that we've had
our childish little laugh,
there is a more serious
aspect to this matter.
Someone has forged my signature.
Now, the man responsible
for this will take
two steps forward.
And, if you try to
defy my authority,
I promise you there will
be dire consequences.
I'm here, sir.
Oh.
Sergeant Schultz.
Bring this man to my office.
Notify Major Bock.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Dismissed.
Now, let me
understand this correctly.
You admit to
forging my signature,
but you would not tell us why.
He doesn't have to tell you.
I didn't ask you, Hogan.
Speak for yourself.
I would rather not, uh,
answer any questions
at this particular time, sir.
Oh.
You would rather not.
We'll see about that.
He's not gonna talk, Commandant,
so just forget it.
Order his punishment,
and let's get on with the war.
Quiet, Hogan.
I don't think we need
detain Colonel Hogan
any longer, Herr Kommandant.
We don't?
One of my men is
being interrogated.
I demand to be present.
Demand, Colonel?
Request?
Request denied.
Request denied.
As long as it's unanimous.
I'll be outside, Newkirk.
Don't let 'em push you around.
No, sir. Thank you, sir.
Blimey. I thought
he'd never leave.
Now, we have wasted enough time.
We...
You mean you
wanted him out of here?
Well, I... I
couldn't talk to you
in front of him,
could I, really?
Not with that
proposition I've got.
LeBeau, go over to
the barracks quick.
Tell Kinch to turn on
the bug to Klink's office.
Right, Colonel. And tell him
to hook up his wire recorder
and get everything down.
I'd hate to miss anything.
Oui, Colonel.
You want to work for us?
Now you got it, Major.
I know what's going
on in that building,
and I can help you make
some of that lovely money.
All I want you to
do is let me have
whatever falls on
the ground each day.
Incredible. It's incredible!
Shh! Commandant, please.
That Hogan's got
ears like bloody radar.
I take it you know something
about this kind of work.
Well, I did a pretty fair job
on his signature, didn't I?
You're a criminal.
Sir, you're going to insult
me if you keep that up.
I assume you are familiar
with the Buckenheimer
rotary injector press?
I can put those things together
and tear 'em down again
with me eyes closed.
I've done it many times.
I see. Ever hear of Von Holtz?
Hear of him?
I met him in Zurich, 1938.
The greatest
counterfeiter of our time.
I choked with emotion
when he shook my hand.
He's a crook.
Oh, Commandant,
what's in a name?
Yes, he's a crook, Colonel...
but not the kind we need.
For your information,
Buckenheimer is the name
of Hitler's favorite
piano player.
What?
Go on. There's a
coincidence for you.
And just as Buckenheimer
is not a printing press,
Von Holtz is not
a counterfeiter.
He is one of our most
respected young scientists.
This man is a liar and a fraud.
Well, there's no
need to get ugly, sir.
Shut up! I knew it
from the beginning, sir.
He obviously got
hold of your signature
and thought he
could bluff his way
into the building and
pick up a little money.
Some forger.
Well, I could always learn.
You'll learn, all right.
You'll rot in the cooler.
Now, get out of here.
I'll deal with you later.
You don't want to
change your mind
and let me do a little
on-the-job training?
I-I'm a very quick study.
Out!
Not a word of this to anyone,
or I'll see to it you get
more than the cooler.
Yes, sir.
Colonel...
I must ask you not to mention
this incident in your
report to headquarters.
Not mention it? Why?
It's a very serious
breach of security.
I know, but
mistakes will happen.
Berlin does not
recognize mistakes.
It is watching this
operation very closely.
I can imagine, sir.
No. I don't think you can.
What I am going to tell
you now is top secret,
strictly between
us as fellow officers.
You may speak freely, sir.
Yesterday, our chief technician,
Herr Stoffel, made a remark
questioning the morality
of counterfeiting
even in wartime.
If I reported that to
Berlin, as I should,
nothing would happen to him,
but I would be court-martialed.
I can't imagine they
would do such a thing.
If there is a slipup, I will
be taken out and shot.
And you think that decision
has already been made?
Worse than that. It is final.
In matters like these,
there is no appeal.
If necessary, the
orders will be carried out.
Well, in that
case, we will forget
the inmate and his crazy scheme.
There will be no report.
Thank you, Colonel.
It's possible you
have saved my life.
It is final.
There is no appeal.
The order will be carried out.
Those Krauts are really afraid
of each other, aren't they?
Yeah. They could start
their own private war
and never even
call in outsiders.
Eh, it doesn't matter if
they are afraid of each other.
We still laid an
egg. I laid an egg.
And I hatched it.
There's still a chance
we might get
another shot at them.
How?
By playing them off
against each other.
Kinch, could you
doctor that recording...
Take words out, move
things around here and there?
I don't know. I could try.
All right. We go to work.
The target is Stoffel.
Their printing expert?
He's the logical one.
You heard what he said.
He's dead set
against counterfeiting.
But he's got no authority.
He doesn't need
it for our purpose.
If we can convince him
that they plan on shooting him
after his work is done,
he may do a job for us first.
Like what kind of a job?
Setting that building on fire.
Oh, you got to be kidding.
Kinch, where money is concerned,
I'm dead serious.
Here, Kinch.
Thanks.
Put it...
All finished?
That's it. It's the
best we can do.
We stand or fall on
that wire recording.
Do you think he'll
believe it, Colonel?
We're going to find out.
One more detail... the bait.
"Stoffel, your
life is in danger.
"Save yourself
Come to Barracks 3.
A friend." Friend?
What do you want him
to put down... enemy?
LeBeau, you take
lunch to the Krauts
in that building
every day at noon.
I want you to volunteer
for kitchen detail.
See that Stoffel gets that.
Right, Colonel.
Oh, we're going to need
a couple of smoke bombs.
I got some beauties
in the mattress.
Good. Have them ready.
Oh, you need anything else?
I got some magnesium pencils.
I got detonator caps,
delayed action fuses.
I got some plastic incendiary
tapes, and I got some...
Carter, you don't
have to sell me.
We're not going to take our
business to anybody else.
Colonel...
Schultz?
Schultz.
Lunch, gentlemen.
Sir.
Ja, ja, ja.
I need a breath of air.
Get back to work as
soon as you finish lunch.
He just left the building.
Good. He took the bait.
He's making a big
detour to get here.
Soon as the patient arrives,
tell him the doctor's ready.
Right.
Your friend is in there.
Please, tell me what this is...
In there.
You're lying.
They put you up
to this to test me.
Stoffel, you have
practically no future at all.
Major Bock, your watchdog,
has orders to get rid of you
as soon as you've printed
up enough money for him.
I don't believe it.
And I mean really
get rid of you.
No. They wouldn't.
They need me.
Now. Later, you'd just be a
man with too much on him.
Stoffel, would you recognize
Major Bock's voice
if you heard it?
Of course I would.
And Klink...
That's the tall creep
with the monocle.
Would you recognize his voice?
Possibly. I've talked with
him several times here.
Listen to this.
And be ready to
draw up your will.
What I am going
to tell you now,
Colonel, is top secret.
You may speak freely, sir.
When this operation is all over,
our chief technician,
Herr Stoffel,
will face a firing squad.
I can't imagine they
would do such a thing.
Herr Stoffel knows
a great many things.
He will be taken out and shot.
And, uh, you think that
decision has already been made?
It is final.
There is no appeal.
The orders will be carried out.
Any questions?
Well...
How did you get that recording?
I can't answer that question.
What do you want me to do?
That question I can answer.
All right, we got
about five minutes.
You think he'll come
through, Colonel?
We'll know by 3:00.
Now, remember, get in there fast
and go to work before
the Krauts get organized.
Well, what about the guards?
Suppose they start shooting.
That's a chance we have to take.
Stoffel has the smoke bombs.
LeBeau's over there...
He'll start yelling.
There'll be enough
confusion. It's a calculated risk.
Yeah? That's the worst kind.
Watch it. Here comes Schultz.
Colonel Hogan...
Hi, Schultz.
What is this?
Firefighting equipment, Schultz.
Just a drill.
You never know when
there might be a fire.
Where are the water buckets?
Water? Nobody uses
water to fight fire anymore.
Do they, fellas?
No!
That's horse-and-buggy
thinking, Schultz.
Whenever I talk to you,
I learn something.
So do we.
Achtung! Achtung! Fire! Fire!
Hurry! Mach
schnell! Mach schnell!
Get something to
put it out! Quickly!
Fire!
Fire! Fire!
Fire! Fire! Fire!
Fire! Fire!
Hoses and water buckets!
Hoses and water buckets!
Get those plates!
Get the plates!
Quick! Some more.
LeBeau, chop these up.
Yes, sir.
More, more. Bring more.
What's going on here?!
Easier to carry, Schultz.
Good! Very good!
You and you!
Get that fire
hose, and hurry up!
Get that fire hose!
Turn on the hose.
Hold it, Commandant...
Everything's under control.
It's a catastrophe!
Our whole plan is ruined.
Those plates can't be replaced.
What are we
going to tell Berlin?
Don't tell 'em, ask them.
For what?
Permission to hold a fire sale.
And, even though the
building was destroyed
I want to commend the men
of Barracks 3, and especially
Sergeant Schultz...
For their brave attempt
to put out the fire.
Thank you, sir!
Thank you very much!
There will be an extra ration
of white bread for one week.
Wonderful, wonderful.
Aw, you're spoiling us, sir.
Dismissed.
We did it, Colonel.
And we got away with it.
Yeah. By the time
they get reorganized,
I think the war will be over.
If they ever try to
start again, boy,
I got some more smoke bombs.
It's a pity to see
all that beautiful,
green dry goods
destroyed, though.
That reminds me. Schultz?
Yes, Colonel Hogan?
Schultz, I've always
had a lifelong ambition,
and you can make
that dream come true.
Who, me? Mm-hmm.
Yup.
Always wanted to have
money to burn, Schultz.
Aw...
Aw, Schultzy.