Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 10 - One in Every Crowd - full transcript
An American prisoner of war has information on Hogan that he wants to sell to the Germans.
I've never had such bad cards.
Let's try a little
five-card stud.
Everybody ante a dollar.
All right.
Pot's light.
Are you in, Newkirk?
No, I'm not in yet.
Pot's right.
Ten, eight, three, a jack
and a big king for me.
How about that, huh? I'm high.
I bet two dollars.
You're high all right, Williams.
You stink.
What's your problem, pal?
You're dealing from the bottom.
That's the problem, mate.
Hey, let go.
He's got a king on the
table, right, gentlemen?
There's a king right at
the bottom of this deck
ready when he wants to palm it.
Cheat.
Salle vache!
You twister!
You're just ganging up
on me 'cause I'm winning.
Yeah, well, I'm
going to sort you out.
Come on, Newkirk.
Stop it, Newkirk.
Come on, get up.
Wait a minute. Break it up.
Break it up! Break it up!
Isn't there enough
war for you guys?
Newkirk caught him
dealing off the bottom.
He's a liar! Knock it off!
Knock it off.
The game's over.
Take back the money
you started with.
Are you kidding?
I won it, I keep it.
You can't order me to
give back my money.
Look, Williams, I've had
it right up to here with you.
You've been thrown out
of every barracks in camp.
Can I help it if I'm popular?
I also know you've been
stealing our Red Cross packages
and selling them to the Krauts.
Prove it, sir.
I will... at your court martial.
The game's over.
Take back the money
and give him his.
Come on, break it up, will ya!
Dance, two, three...
Dance, two, three.
Get the lead out.
Make this a dancing war.
That's beautiful.
At ease.
Oh, all right, all right.
Remember your partners.
We'll get to the tango next.
Now I have seen everything.
Dancing lessons at midnight.
Midnight?
Where has the time gone?
It is true, Herr Kommandant.
Whenever I go out to a dance,
I look at my watch
and, all of a sudden,
I realize that the time...
Oh, shut up.
Commandant, I'd bet
you'd make a great dancer.
You have natural rhythm.
I can tell the way you move.
Schultz, put this man on report
for severe disciplinary action.
My own personal attention.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
The next time, Colonel Hogan,
that you give dancing lessons,
perhaps you'd be kind
enough to invite me, hmm?
Oh, fine.
We'll have to get you
a partner. Volunteer?
May I have the honor of the next
waltz, Monsieur Commandant?
Put this man on report, too.
Traitor.
I can't help it. I
love to dance.
Hey, kid, can I talk
to you a minute?
Colonel, the Kraut captain
just went into Klink's office.
All right, let's listen.
A new fuel pump?
Yes, sir. The old one
cannot be repaired.
I must go to Dusseldorf
to have the new pump made.
But that may take a week.
And you expect to leave
that truck and that thing here?
Colonel, I did not
choose your camp.
My engine started going bad.
I needed a safe place.
This is a safe place.
I feel safe here. Don't you?
Oh, it's safe, all right.
The safest in the world.
And the reason
for our record is that I permit
no disruption of our routine.
Yes, sir.
I'm afraid I cannot
accommodate you, Captain.
Please take your truck and
its cargo some other place.
I have orders.
The only orders
that I'm interested in
are my own orders.
"All ranks are ordered to
extend complete cooperation...
assist him without
question..." Mm-hmm.
"failure, punishable...
execution by firing squad."
Signed, General
Yodel for the Fuhrer.
Glad to have you
with us, Captain.
Thank you.
He may get a room with a bath.
Colonel, you will undertake
security arrangements
while I'm in Dusseldorf, ja?
Certainly. By all means.
And, uh... may one ask
what one is guarding?
It is the S-5.
Prototype of a new 88 millimeter
recoilless field gun.
My mission is to
deliver it to one of our
ordnance factories in France,
where it will go into
production at once.
But, Colonel...
top secret.
It was top secret.
LeBeau, tell Kinch
to get word to London.
Tell them everything we heard.
Right, Colonel.
They may want to
try bombing that gun
while it's here and stationary.
Bomb it in camp?
We're here and stationary
as well, you know.
War entails a certain risk.
Didn't your draft board
tell you guys anything?
It's the only
flashlight I've got.
I'll buy it off you, okay?
You don't have to buy it.
I'll give it to you.
Hey, you're all
right, kid. Thanks.
But you're making
a mistake, boy.
Oh, don't start that again.
I'm going out of
here... tonight.
Right after bed check.
Colonel Hogan gave the orders...
No escaping without permission.
Now, I remember the
day he said that. I real...
Who cares what Hogan says?
He knows the score.
And he's a pretty good guy.
He's an officer.
Well, we all have our faults.
Look, are you going to
give me the flashlight, or...?
I'll see you later, kid.
Yeah, okay.
Negotiating to buy a pair
of crooked dice, Carter?
Colonel, he's going to
break out of here tonight.
Williams has been
threatening to break out
ever since he got here,
but he always chickens out.
Yeah, well, if he
needs any help,
I'll hold the bloody Germans up
with me bare hands.
The Eighth Air Force has
a previous engagement.
I figured.
They want us to destroy the gun.
Set the Krauts back
at least six months.
Sir, may I suggest a good
old-fashioned demolition pack
with a short-time fuse?
All right. Get started.
Make it a good one.
Don't give us too many duds.
Since when do one of my
demolition packs ever conk out?
Come on. We are
touchy today, Carter.
It's the mark of a true artist.
Picasso felt the same
way about his work.
Picasso? What did
he ever blow up?
Johann, a tourist.
Guten Abend, tourist.
Not bad. Not bad at all.
I used to have a suit like this.
But, of course, mine was
made out of much better material.
Not made out of a blanket.
Forward march!
Eins, zwei, drei.
Food, maps,
flashlight.
He ordered it by
mail from a catalog.
Silence.
I can believe it.
The suit looks terrible.
This is not a style show.
You can say that again.
The next thing I might say is
to order you to pack your things
to go to the Russian front.
Williams, you chose
a very bad time.
We are extremely security
conscious these days
for certain reasons.
So I'm going to have to
make an example of you.
30 days in the cooler,
followed by 30 days
confinement in the barracks
and no privileges.
What?!
Pretty stiff punishment,
Commandant.
Wearing civilian
clothes, carrying maps.
I could have him shot
as a spy without a trial.
He's right, Williams.
Whose side are you on, Hogan?
The same side as
you, unfortunately.
Ah, little trouble
in the family.
Sir, I want to talk for myself.
I don't need Colonel
Hogan's help.
Hogan, dismissed.
I'm senior POW officer here
and, if you're going
to interrogate him...
I said dismissed.
Schultz, take Hogan back
to the barracks at once.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
But if he won't go?
If he won't go, you
might say "pretty please."
Out!
I'm warning you, Williams...
I said out.
All right, if he wants
to join your side,
you're welcome to him.
Pretty please.
All right, talk.
I got information.
I want a deal.
You are hardly in a position...
It's military, Colonel.
And it concerns you.
But I got to have my price.
Revoke my sentence,
transfer me out
of here to Berlin
or any other place where I
can live till the war's over,
and enough money to get away.
Is that all, huh?
How about a nice
villa at the Riviera,
with dancing girls and
champagne foot baths?
What I got is worth it to you.
But you have no assurance
I won't take all
that information
and have you shot anyway.
I'm not worried.
You'll know why when
you hear what I got to say.
Well, he's selling us out,
sir... And at bargain prices, too.
Did he say anything yet?
Not yet,
but he knows most
of the operation.
We used him on one assignment.
Carter, you're
friendly with Williams.
Yes, sir, in a way.
But I resent that.
We've got to keep tabs on him.
See if you can get the job
delivering his
meals in the cooler.
A couple of candy bars for
Schultz will take care of that.
All right.
Do you think he'd
really blow the whistle
on us, Colonel,
or is he stalling?
If he does, we may
never get a chance
at that gun out there.
We may never get a
chance at anything again.
That's correct,
General Burkhalter.
Military information. Mm-hmm.
But he wants his freedom
in return, and money.
Yes. Yes. Find out if the
information is valuable.
Uh-huh. String him along.
Ah, that's an excellent idea.
General Burkhalter. Excellent.
What? What? Oh, yes, sir.
I can handle it. After
all, I'm a colonel.
What?
We might win the war anyway.
That's terribly amusing,
General Burkhalter.
Thank you for your advice.
Heil Hitler.
He wouldn't do
a thing like that.
Oh, yeah? Well, I say
he tipped off the Krauts,
and he let me take this rap.
Well, you're wrong.
He did everything
he could out there.
Schultz was there.
What do you think?
The potatoes need salt.
Next time I go out of this dump,
it's going to be right
through the main gate,
with money in my pocket.
And the beans need salt, too.
I got a deal cooking
with the Krauts.
They'll shoot you the
minute you step out of camp.
Yeah? Well, I'll
take my chances.
Come on. You can'
trust those guys.
No offense, Schultz.
I would rather shoot the cook.
Hey!
Schultz!
Achtung!
Nice little kaffeeklatsch, huh?
No, Herr Kommandant.
I think it is tea.
Komamndant, I was
testing the prisoner's food
to be sure it is not dangerous.
It is fine.
Very good, Sergeant.
You, out!
Yes, sir.
We might do a little business
if you can convince me that
your information is reliable.
Oh. A little sample, Colonel?
You might put it that way. Yes.
Yes, it's all right.
Okay. Remember,
about four weeks ago,
the railroad bridge
at Heindorf blew up?
Remember? Ha!
The explosion
threw me out of bed.
Shut up!
The Gestapo is investigating.
They suspect sabotage.
Oh, yeah? Well,
good luck to them.
It was done with a
delayed-fuse bomb
on the north side.
Does that ring a bell?
Yes. What else do
you know about it?
No more free samples, Colonel.
You know my terms.
The Heindorf railroad bridge?
Yep. He's using
it to bait Klink.
That's one of the jobs he
worked on with us, Colonel.
Let me take his
food in tomorrow, sir.
He'll have a nice lunch,
and after which will
be a lovely funeral.
Ours or his?
Klink would nail
us just like that.
Carter, tell Kinch to get in
touch with the underground.
I want to talk to one
of their boys tonight.
His code name is Felix. Right.
LeBeau? Yes, sir?
I want you to meet
him and guide him in
through the emergency
tunnel. Right, Colonel.
Well, what's your plan, sir?
Well, we've got
to stop Williams,
but use him as a diversion
so we can knock out that gun.
With all due respect,
sir, you're dreaming.
If you've got a better
dream, I want to hear it.
So far, so good.
Here you are, Felix,
slip into this. All right.
I think you'll find
it's a perfect fit.
Hmm.
Hey, marvelous.
Yeah. Look at this.
Could've been made
by a Savile Row tailor.
Yeah. It feels
comfortable, you know?
Yeah, fine.
All right, these are your
orders, "Major Weber."
Oh?
Oh. Signed by
General Burkhalter.
Otherwise known
as Sergeant Kinchloe.
All right, now, you got the...
you got the plan straight?
I think so, Colonel.
Now, let's talk about a girl.
Yeah, any girl. Let's
talk and talk and talk.
Well, there is a girl
named, uh, Maria Schmidt.
She's worked with us before.
Very cool, not afraid of danger.
LeBEAU: Just your type.
Fine. She'll be your
assistant... the secretary.
She'll handle the
paperwork. I understand.
Remember, when the job's
over, get out of camp fast.
But leave Fraulein Schmidt.
The corporal, uh, he has
been away from home too long?
Yeah. You don't
have to worry about
the Germans stopping you...
He's your biggest danger.
Heil Hitler. Who is this?
Gestapo!
Heil Hitler, and good evening.
I've been talking to
General Burkhalter
about the prisoner who
offered you some information.
Oh, yes, sir. I have
interrogated the prisoner again,
just as the general ordered.
Excellent. Now, the Gestapo
wants you to come to Berlin
at once for a conference
with General Burkhalter.
You must coordinate
your activities in this case.
Well, sir, I'm not sure.
With my duties here, I...
What duties?
Ach! You Luftwaffe officers!
A ten-year-old boy
could handle your job.
Well, sir, I'm afraid
there's not one available.
The Gestapo will send a
Luftwaffe officer, Major Weber,
who will take over
command while you are away.
He will be accompanied by
his secretary, Fraulein Schmidt.
Be with you in one
moment, mein Fuhrer.
Yes, mein Fuhrer, I
made it a collect call.
Klink, are you still with us?
Sir, I certainly am.
I shall leave for Berlin the
moment Major Weber arrives here.
I can hardly wait. That's all.
Thank you, sir.
Now I shall go back
to my efficiency reports.
Yes, you may resume sleeping.
Heil Hitler.
Coming, mein Fuhrer.
All right. One down, one to go.
Burkhalter now, sir? Same story.
Tell him that the Gestapo
wants him to confer with Klink
about the case, and that
Klink will arrive shortly,
and the Gestapo will supply
Klink's replacement. All right, sir.
You know, these
long-distance calls
run into quite a bit of money.
Well, don't worry.
It's after 6:00.
Now, this is a
highly secret weapon
on its way to France,
and temporarily
my responsibility,
which must have maximum
security guard at all times.
I understand, sir. Make a
note of that, Fraulein Schmidt.
Jawohl, Herr Major. And
there's a prisoner in the cooler.
He must be watched
very carefully... Williams.
I will see to it,
Herr Kommandant.
Oh, this is Colonel
Hogan, Senior POW Officer.
Major Weber will be temporarily
in charge during my absence.
Now, you obey his orders,
and there will be no trouble.
I expect full
cooperation. Right.
I feel I already know the major.
Mm-hmm. This is Schultz,
Sergeant of the Guards.
Sergeant.
I expect to rely on
him very heavily.
Mm-hmm. Well...
he's here, anyway.
Auf Wiedersehen!
Have a nice trip, and don't
take any wooden swastikas.
Now we can relax.
Achtung!
Eyes front! At attention!
Jawohl, Herr Major! Sergeant,
you will bring the
prisoner Williams
to the Commandant's
office, at once!
Jawohl, Herr Major!
Sheesh!
Everybody wants
to be a big shot.
He's mean.
But that Fraulein
Schmidt... Ooh!
Come on, Schultz.
Don't you start.
Berlin has decided to
meet your terms, Williams.
Everything?
Free pass out of here,
place to live, money?
Everything.
You will dictate the
information you have,
every detail, to
Fraulein Schmidt.
Okay. I'm ready.
That's it.
Now, you live up to
your end of the bargain.
Don't worry.
Herr Major, you
wanted Colonel Hogan.
Yes. Take this man
back to the cooler
and return immediately.
Jawohl, Herr Major!
Come on. Da-da-da-da.
So long, Hogan.
I'll see you in church.
Wouldn't do you
any harm, wise guy.
He is a traitor.
Ooh, I hate that man.
You've got company.
Here is the information
he dictated to Maria.
Oh, brother!
Names, dates, the works.
Yeah. And this is
the fake information.
He signed it along with the rest
of the papers without realizing.
Thanks. You've done a great job.
Herr Major,
the prisoner has been
returned to the cooler,
and I am here.
Sergeant, I must
return to Berlin at once.
You will give this
to Colonel Klink
the moment he
returns to Stalag 13.
It is of the utmost
importance. Understood?
Jawohl, Herr Major!
Until the colonel returns,
you will be in
charge of this office.
Me? In charge?
Is correct.
I have informed Colonel Hogan.
I'd ask for more money, Schultz.
Silence!
Take over, Sergeant.
Fraulein, we must be on our way.
Auf Wiedersehen. Heil Hitler.
You're in the boss'
chair real quick.
How's it feel, big shot?
Ah! Don't.
Stand at attention when
you talk to the man in charge.
Yes, sir. That's better.
Dismissed.
Colonel Hogan.
I didn't mean it.
Oh! Herr Kommandant!
What's going on here?
Oh, Herr Kommandant,
Major Weber was
recalled to Berlin,
and he left me in
charge of the office.
You?
What's the Third
Reich coming to?
I am ordered to a conference
in Berlin with General Burkhalter.
The Gestapo doesn't show up.
We sit and talk about
things we already know.
Oh, Herr Kommandant,
Major Weber left you
this. Very important.
Mm-hmm.
It's signed by Williams.
It's the information.
"Small-arms factory
in Hammelburg
will be attacked by
saboteurs on the 17th."
That's tonight, Schultz.
Look alive! I want every
available man assembled.
Combat equipment.
We move out in 15 minutes.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!
But how about the trucks
and the guns and the guards
for the prisoner, Williams,
please, in the cooler?
I said every available man!
Now, I am putting you in
charge of communications here
until this operation
is over. Out!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!
Get every man in that truck!
Go! Let's go! Everybody in!
Schultz!
Let's go! Now!
There they go. The gun
is not guarded, Colonel.
All right. Newkirk, LeBeau,
you handle the cooler.
Remember, do it fast and clean,
and we need Williams'
jacket. Right, Colonel.
Carter, you set the charges five
minutes after the cooler blows.
You got it, boy... uh, sir.
Williams, wake up!
Colonel Hogan wants to see you!
What is this? Stand
back, you bloody mug,
unless you want to get killed.
Not that I care.
Welcome home, friend.
Hogan, give me a break.
You'll get what you deserve...
A plane to fly out of here as
soon as the heat dies down.
They're gonna
try you in England,
and you'd better pray
that none of those judges
have ever been POWs.
Put him in the tunnel. Right.
Here's his jacket.
His name in it?
Yes, sir.
All right, good.
All set, Colonel.
Stand by.
Five, four, three,
two, one!
I said one!
Ooh! First, the
cooler, and now this!
Terrible.
While I am in charge!
I got to hand it to you.
What?
Things certainly happen
when you're around.
Two years' work
completely destroyed.
A catastrophe. You can expect
a full investigation
from the Gestapo.
Colonel, look what I found.
Williams! Mm-hmm.
It's fairly obvious
what happened:
he blew open his cell,
set the charges to the gun,
but didn't make it away in time.
And sent me on a
wild-goose chase
to the small-arms
factory? Uh-huh.
I don't believe it.
Neither do I. I never will.
Where were the guards
when all this happened?
That's right. Where were
they? Well, you see...
That is the first question
the Gestapo will ask you.
You know, Hogan, I think
your theory about Williams
is beginning to
make sense to me.
You know, Colonel, I
had a feeling that it would.
Let's try a little
five-card stud.
Everybody ante a dollar.
All right.
Pot's light.
Are you in, Newkirk?
No, I'm not in yet.
Pot's right.
Ten, eight, three, a jack
and a big king for me.
How about that, huh? I'm high.
I bet two dollars.
You're high all right, Williams.
You stink.
What's your problem, pal?
You're dealing from the bottom.
That's the problem, mate.
Hey, let go.
He's got a king on the
table, right, gentlemen?
There's a king right at
the bottom of this deck
ready when he wants to palm it.
Cheat.
Salle vache!
You twister!
You're just ganging up
on me 'cause I'm winning.
Yeah, well, I'm
going to sort you out.
Come on, Newkirk.
Stop it, Newkirk.
Come on, get up.
Wait a minute. Break it up.
Break it up! Break it up!
Isn't there enough
war for you guys?
Newkirk caught him
dealing off the bottom.
He's a liar! Knock it off!
Knock it off.
The game's over.
Take back the money
you started with.
Are you kidding?
I won it, I keep it.
You can't order me to
give back my money.
Look, Williams, I've had
it right up to here with you.
You've been thrown out
of every barracks in camp.
Can I help it if I'm popular?
I also know you've been
stealing our Red Cross packages
and selling them to the Krauts.
Prove it, sir.
I will... at your court martial.
The game's over.
Take back the money
and give him his.
Come on, break it up, will ya!
Dance, two, three...
Dance, two, three.
Get the lead out.
Make this a dancing war.
That's beautiful.
At ease.
Oh, all right, all right.
Remember your partners.
We'll get to the tango next.
Now I have seen everything.
Dancing lessons at midnight.
Midnight?
Where has the time gone?
It is true, Herr Kommandant.
Whenever I go out to a dance,
I look at my watch
and, all of a sudden,
I realize that the time...
Oh, shut up.
Commandant, I'd bet
you'd make a great dancer.
You have natural rhythm.
I can tell the way you move.
Schultz, put this man on report
for severe disciplinary action.
My own personal attention.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
The next time, Colonel Hogan,
that you give dancing lessons,
perhaps you'd be kind
enough to invite me, hmm?
Oh, fine.
We'll have to get you
a partner. Volunteer?
May I have the honor of the next
waltz, Monsieur Commandant?
Put this man on report, too.
Traitor.
I can't help it. I
love to dance.
Hey, kid, can I talk
to you a minute?
Colonel, the Kraut captain
just went into Klink's office.
All right, let's listen.
A new fuel pump?
Yes, sir. The old one
cannot be repaired.
I must go to Dusseldorf
to have the new pump made.
But that may take a week.
And you expect to leave
that truck and that thing here?
Colonel, I did not
choose your camp.
My engine started going bad.
I needed a safe place.
This is a safe place.
I feel safe here. Don't you?
Oh, it's safe, all right.
The safest in the world.
And the reason
for our record is that I permit
no disruption of our routine.
Yes, sir.
I'm afraid I cannot
accommodate you, Captain.
Please take your truck and
its cargo some other place.
I have orders.
The only orders
that I'm interested in
are my own orders.
"All ranks are ordered to
extend complete cooperation...
assist him without
question..." Mm-hmm.
"failure, punishable...
execution by firing squad."
Signed, General
Yodel for the Fuhrer.
Glad to have you
with us, Captain.
Thank you.
He may get a room with a bath.
Colonel, you will undertake
security arrangements
while I'm in Dusseldorf, ja?
Certainly. By all means.
And, uh... may one ask
what one is guarding?
It is the S-5.
Prototype of a new 88 millimeter
recoilless field gun.
My mission is to
deliver it to one of our
ordnance factories in France,
where it will go into
production at once.
But, Colonel...
top secret.
It was top secret.
LeBeau, tell Kinch
to get word to London.
Tell them everything we heard.
Right, Colonel.
They may want to
try bombing that gun
while it's here and stationary.
Bomb it in camp?
We're here and stationary
as well, you know.
War entails a certain risk.
Didn't your draft board
tell you guys anything?
It's the only
flashlight I've got.
I'll buy it off you, okay?
You don't have to buy it.
I'll give it to you.
Hey, you're all
right, kid. Thanks.
But you're making
a mistake, boy.
Oh, don't start that again.
I'm going out of
here... tonight.
Right after bed check.
Colonel Hogan gave the orders...
No escaping without permission.
Now, I remember the
day he said that. I real...
Who cares what Hogan says?
He knows the score.
And he's a pretty good guy.
He's an officer.
Well, we all have our faults.
Look, are you going to
give me the flashlight, or...?
I'll see you later, kid.
Yeah, okay.
Negotiating to buy a pair
of crooked dice, Carter?
Colonel, he's going to
break out of here tonight.
Williams has been
threatening to break out
ever since he got here,
but he always chickens out.
Yeah, well, if he
needs any help,
I'll hold the bloody Germans up
with me bare hands.
The Eighth Air Force has
a previous engagement.
I figured.
They want us to destroy the gun.
Set the Krauts back
at least six months.
Sir, may I suggest a good
old-fashioned demolition pack
with a short-time fuse?
All right. Get started.
Make it a good one.
Don't give us too many duds.
Since when do one of my
demolition packs ever conk out?
Come on. We are
touchy today, Carter.
It's the mark of a true artist.
Picasso felt the same
way about his work.
Picasso? What did
he ever blow up?
Johann, a tourist.
Guten Abend, tourist.
Not bad. Not bad at all.
I used to have a suit like this.
But, of course, mine was
made out of much better material.
Not made out of a blanket.
Forward march!
Eins, zwei, drei.
Food, maps,
flashlight.
He ordered it by
mail from a catalog.
Silence.
I can believe it.
The suit looks terrible.
This is not a style show.
You can say that again.
The next thing I might say is
to order you to pack your things
to go to the Russian front.
Williams, you chose
a very bad time.
We are extremely security
conscious these days
for certain reasons.
So I'm going to have to
make an example of you.
30 days in the cooler,
followed by 30 days
confinement in the barracks
and no privileges.
What?!
Pretty stiff punishment,
Commandant.
Wearing civilian
clothes, carrying maps.
I could have him shot
as a spy without a trial.
He's right, Williams.
Whose side are you on, Hogan?
The same side as
you, unfortunately.
Ah, little trouble
in the family.
Sir, I want to talk for myself.
I don't need Colonel
Hogan's help.
Hogan, dismissed.
I'm senior POW officer here
and, if you're going
to interrogate him...
I said dismissed.
Schultz, take Hogan back
to the barracks at once.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
But if he won't go?
If he won't go, you
might say "pretty please."
Out!
I'm warning you, Williams...
I said out.
All right, if he wants
to join your side,
you're welcome to him.
Pretty please.
All right, talk.
I got information.
I want a deal.
You are hardly in a position...
It's military, Colonel.
And it concerns you.
But I got to have my price.
Revoke my sentence,
transfer me out
of here to Berlin
or any other place where I
can live till the war's over,
and enough money to get away.
Is that all, huh?
How about a nice
villa at the Riviera,
with dancing girls and
champagne foot baths?
What I got is worth it to you.
But you have no assurance
I won't take all
that information
and have you shot anyway.
I'm not worried.
You'll know why when
you hear what I got to say.
Well, he's selling us out,
sir... And at bargain prices, too.
Did he say anything yet?
Not yet,
but he knows most
of the operation.
We used him on one assignment.
Carter, you're
friendly with Williams.
Yes, sir, in a way.
But I resent that.
We've got to keep tabs on him.
See if you can get the job
delivering his
meals in the cooler.
A couple of candy bars for
Schultz will take care of that.
All right.
Do you think he'd
really blow the whistle
on us, Colonel,
or is he stalling?
If he does, we may
never get a chance
at that gun out there.
We may never get a
chance at anything again.
That's correct,
General Burkhalter.
Military information. Mm-hmm.
But he wants his freedom
in return, and money.
Yes. Yes. Find out if the
information is valuable.
Uh-huh. String him along.
Ah, that's an excellent idea.
General Burkhalter. Excellent.
What? What? Oh, yes, sir.
I can handle it. After
all, I'm a colonel.
What?
We might win the war anyway.
That's terribly amusing,
General Burkhalter.
Thank you for your advice.
Heil Hitler.
He wouldn't do
a thing like that.
Oh, yeah? Well, I say
he tipped off the Krauts,
and he let me take this rap.
Well, you're wrong.
He did everything
he could out there.
Schultz was there.
What do you think?
The potatoes need salt.
Next time I go out of this dump,
it's going to be right
through the main gate,
with money in my pocket.
And the beans need salt, too.
I got a deal cooking
with the Krauts.
They'll shoot you the
minute you step out of camp.
Yeah? Well, I'll
take my chances.
Come on. You can'
trust those guys.
No offense, Schultz.
I would rather shoot the cook.
Hey!
Schultz!
Achtung!
Nice little kaffeeklatsch, huh?
No, Herr Kommandant.
I think it is tea.
Komamndant, I was
testing the prisoner's food
to be sure it is not dangerous.
It is fine.
Very good, Sergeant.
You, out!
Yes, sir.
We might do a little business
if you can convince me that
your information is reliable.
Oh. A little sample, Colonel?
You might put it that way. Yes.
Yes, it's all right.
Okay. Remember,
about four weeks ago,
the railroad bridge
at Heindorf blew up?
Remember? Ha!
The explosion
threw me out of bed.
Shut up!
The Gestapo is investigating.
They suspect sabotage.
Oh, yeah? Well,
good luck to them.
It was done with a
delayed-fuse bomb
on the north side.
Does that ring a bell?
Yes. What else do
you know about it?
No more free samples, Colonel.
You know my terms.
The Heindorf railroad bridge?
Yep. He's using
it to bait Klink.
That's one of the jobs he
worked on with us, Colonel.
Let me take his
food in tomorrow, sir.
He'll have a nice lunch,
and after which will
be a lovely funeral.
Ours or his?
Klink would nail
us just like that.
Carter, tell Kinch to get in
touch with the underground.
I want to talk to one
of their boys tonight.
His code name is Felix. Right.
LeBeau? Yes, sir?
I want you to meet
him and guide him in
through the emergency
tunnel. Right, Colonel.
Well, what's your plan, sir?
Well, we've got
to stop Williams,
but use him as a diversion
so we can knock out that gun.
With all due respect,
sir, you're dreaming.
If you've got a better
dream, I want to hear it.
So far, so good.
Here you are, Felix,
slip into this. All right.
I think you'll find
it's a perfect fit.
Hmm.
Hey, marvelous.
Yeah. Look at this.
Could've been made
by a Savile Row tailor.
Yeah. It feels
comfortable, you know?
Yeah, fine.
All right, these are your
orders, "Major Weber."
Oh?
Oh. Signed by
General Burkhalter.
Otherwise known
as Sergeant Kinchloe.
All right, now, you got the...
you got the plan straight?
I think so, Colonel.
Now, let's talk about a girl.
Yeah, any girl. Let's
talk and talk and talk.
Well, there is a girl
named, uh, Maria Schmidt.
She's worked with us before.
Very cool, not afraid of danger.
LeBEAU: Just your type.
Fine. She'll be your
assistant... the secretary.
She'll handle the
paperwork. I understand.
Remember, when the job's
over, get out of camp fast.
But leave Fraulein Schmidt.
The corporal, uh, he has
been away from home too long?
Yeah. You don't
have to worry about
the Germans stopping you...
He's your biggest danger.
Heil Hitler. Who is this?
Gestapo!
Heil Hitler, and good evening.
I've been talking to
General Burkhalter
about the prisoner who
offered you some information.
Oh, yes, sir. I have
interrogated the prisoner again,
just as the general ordered.
Excellent. Now, the Gestapo
wants you to come to Berlin
at once for a conference
with General Burkhalter.
You must coordinate
your activities in this case.
Well, sir, I'm not sure.
With my duties here, I...
What duties?
Ach! You Luftwaffe officers!
A ten-year-old boy
could handle your job.
Well, sir, I'm afraid
there's not one available.
The Gestapo will send a
Luftwaffe officer, Major Weber,
who will take over
command while you are away.
He will be accompanied by
his secretary, Fraulein Schmidt.
Be with you in one
moment, mein Fuhrer.
Yes, mein Fuhrer, I
made it a collect call.
Klink, are you still with us?
Sir, I certainly am.
I shall leave for Berlin the
moment Major Weber arrives here.
I can hardly wait. That's all.
Thank you, sir.
Now I shall go back
to my efficiency reports.
Yes, you may resume sleeping.
Heil Hitler.
Coming, mein Fuhrer.
All right. One down, one to go.
Burkhalter now, sir? Same story.
Tell him that the Gestapo
wants him to confer with Klink
about the case, and that
Klink will arrive shortly,
and the Gestapo will supply
Klink's replacement. All right, sir.
You know, these
long-distance calls
run into quite a bit of money.
Well, don't worry.
It's after 6:00.
Now, this is a
highly secret weapon
on its way to France,
and temporarily
my responsibility,
which must have maximum
security guard at all times.
I understand, sir. Make a
note of that, Fraulein Schmidt.
Jawohl, Herr Major. And
there's a prisoner in the cooler.
He must be watched
very carefully... Williams.
I will see to it,
Herr Kommandant.
Oh, this is Colonel
Hogan, Senior POW Officer.
Major Weber will be temporarily
in charge during my absence.
Now, you obey his orders,
and there will be no trouble.
I expect full
cooperation. Right.
I feel I already know the major.
Mm-hmm. This is Schultz,
Sergeant of the Guards.
Sergeant.
I expect to rely on
him very heavily.
Mm-hmm. Well...
he's here, anyway.
Auf Wiedersehen!
Have a nice trip, and don't
take any wooden swastikas.
Now we can relax.
Achtung!
Eyes front! At attention!
Jawohl, Herr Major! Sergeant,
you will bring the
prisoner Williams
to the Commandant's
office, at once!
Jawohl, Herr Major!
Sheesh!
Everybody wants
to be a big shot.
He's mean.
But that Fraulein
Schmidt... Ooh!
Come on, Schultz.
Don't you start.
Berlin has decided to
meet your terms, Williams.
Everything?
Free pass out of here,
place to live, money?
Everything.
You will dictate the
information you have,
every detail, to
Fraulein Schmidt.
Okay. I'm ready.
That's it.
Now, you live up to
your end of the bargain.
Don't worry.
Herr Major, you
wanted Colonel Hogan.
Yes. Take this man
back to the cooler
and return immediately.
Jawohl, Herr Major!
Come on. Da-da-da-da.
So long, Hogan.
I'll see you in church.
Wouldn't do you
any harm, wise guy.
He is a traitor.
Ooh, I hate that man.
You've got company.
Here is the information
he dictated to Maria.
Oh, brother!
Names, dates, the works.
Yeah. And this is
the fake information.
He signed it along with the rest
of the papers without realizing.
Thanks. You've done a great job.
Herr Major,
the prisoner has been
returned to the cooler,
and I am here.
Sergeant, I must
return to Berlin at once.
You will give this
to Colonel Klink
the moment he
returns to Stalag 13.
It is of the utmost
importance. Understood?
Jawohl, Herr Major!
Until the colonel returns,
you will be in
charge of this office.
Me? In charge?
Is correct.
I have informed Colonel Hogan.
I'd ask for more money, Schultz.
Silence!
Take over, Sergeant.
Fraulein, we must be on our way.
Auf Wiedersehen. Heil Hitler.
You're in the boss'
chair real quick.
How's it feel, big shot?
Ah! Don't.
Stand at attention when
you talk to the man in charge.
Yes, sir. That's better.
Dismissed.
Colonel Hogan.
I didn't mean it.
Oh! Herr Kommandant!
What's going on here?
Oh, Herr Kommandant,
Major Weber was
recalled to Berlin,
and he left me in
charge of the office.
You?
What's the Third
Reich coming to?
I am ordered to a conference
in Berlin with General Burkhalter.
The Gestapo doesn't show up.
We sit and talk about
things we already know.
Oh, Herr Kommandant,
Major Weber left you
this. Very important.
Mm-hmm.
It's signed by Williams.
It's the information.
"Small-arms factory
in Hammelburg
will be attacked by
saboteurs on the 17th."
That's tonight, Schultz.
Look alive! I want every
available man assembled.
Combat equipment.
We move out in 15 minutes.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!
But how about the trucks
and the guns and the guards
for the prisoner, Williams,
please, in the cooler?
I said every available man!
Now, I am putting you in
charge of communications here
until this operation
is over. Out!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!
Get every man in that truck!
Go! Let's go! Everybody in!
Schultz!
Let's go! Now!
There they go. The gun
is not guarded, Colonel.
All right. Newkirk, LeBeau,
you handle the cooler.
Remember, do it fast and clean,
and we need Williams'
jacket. Right, Colonel.
Carter, you set the charges five
minutes after the cooler blows.
You got it, boy... uh, sir.
Williams, wake up!
Colonel Hogan wants to see you!
What is this? Stand
back, you bloody mug,
unless you want to get killed.
Not that I care.
Welcome home, friend.
Hogan, give me a break.
You'll get what you deserve...
A plane to fly out of here as
soon as the heat dies down.
They're gonna
try you in England,
and you'd better pray
that none of those judges
have ever been POWs.
Put him in the tunnel. Right.
Here's his jacket.
His name in it?
Yes, sir.
All right, good.
All set, Colonel.
Stand by.
Five, four, three,
two, one!
I said one!
Ooh! First, the
cooler, and now this!
Terrible.
While I am in charge!
I got to hand it to you.
What?
Things certainly happen
when you're around.
Two years' work
completely destroyed.
A catastrophe. You can expect
a full investigation
from the Gestapo.
Colonel, look what I found.
Williams! Mm-hmm.
It's fairly obvious
what happened:
he blew open his cell,
set the charges to the gun,
but didn't make it away in time.
And sent me on a
wild-goose chase
to the small-arms
factory? Uh-huh.
I don't believe it.
Neither do I. I never will.
Where were the guards
when all this happened?
That's right. Where were
they? Well, you see...
That is the first question
the Gestapo will ask you.
You know, Hogan, I think
your theory about Williams
is beginning to
make sense to me.
You know, Colonel, I
had a feeling that it would.