Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 11 - Is General Hammerschlag Burning? - full transcript
Hogan takes Kinchloe to Paris to visit a friend of his who might help them get plans for the defense of Paris.
Ah, greetings from
Paris, mon Colonel.
You're a long way from home,
Dubois. Sit down, sit down.
Well, we need assistance.
Lafayette, we are here.
LeBeau, get him some coffee
and put some vin in it, huh?
What year? Oh, allez, allez.
Well, in Paris we
have a problem.
A real problem.
The impossible
we do immediately.
We have trouble
with the easy ones.
This is not easy.
You know of, uh,
General Hammerschlag?
Commander of the Paris Garrison.
Oui. He has drawn
up a master plan
for the defense of
Paris by the Boche.
We must have that plan.
You think it's that important?
When the Allies
reach Paris in force,
the Germans will
pull out like that.
That is not what
concerns us, LeBeau.
When Paris can no
longer be defended,
Hitler has ordered
it to be blown up,
to the last building.
Not even the Germans...
Blow up Paris? Ha!
Unless we stop them.
Hammerschlag's plan
has the exact location
of every stick of dynamite.
Would be handy to have.
We should be able to
get to him, but we cannot.
An Achilles heel?
A mystic, wants to part
the, uh, the veil of the future.
Seeks guidance
from the ghost of
Prince Bismarck.
Sounds like our type fella.
There is a woman
at Le Bal Africain...
Kumasa... a singer.
We believe she has
some sort of influence
on Hammerschlag.
But she has repulsed
all our tries at contact.
But you have
checked her out? Oui.
And that intelligence
has been most helpful.
Although she passes
in Paris as African,
she is actually American.
An American. Good.
Glad you came to us, Dubois.
This is what we do best.
LeBeau, you're
coming with me to Paris.
Great. Newkirk, Carter, Kinch,
you stay here and cover for us.
Right, sir. What do we
do about Klink, Colonel?
Well, I guess it would be
safest if he came along with us.
Dubois, we'll leave
tomorrow, is that enough time?
Well, Colonel Hogan,
there is a slight
misunderstanding.
About the reason I came here.
You came to have us
take over the mission,
what else could you come for?
Well, uh, Allied
intelligence gave us
a possible contact with Kumasa.
A man she went
to high school with
in the United States is, uh,
is a prisoner in Stalag 13.
You came here just to get him?
Oui.
Sergeant Kinchloe.
Wow.
Kinch, you lucky dog. Paris!
And he's not even French!
Paris. Boy! The Eiffel Tower.
Kinch, I'm very happy for you.
Why don't you
come along, Colonel?
As my guest.
Well, thanks.
Schultz! Get in here
on the double! Quick!
Jawohl, Jawohl, Herr
Kommandant. What is it?
An escape? A riot?
Schultz, prepare the staff car.
Your commandant has been chosen
German Soldier of the Month,
and we are driving to Paris
for me to enjoy my prize.
Is there another Colonel
Klink, Herr Kommandant?
What are you talking
about, Schultz?
This club in Paris,
Le Bal Africain...
Very big, very
important, I'm sure...
Is awarding me this
all-expense weekend...
Champagne, lodging,
beautiful girls...
To look at, of course...
For my excellent
work at Stalag 13,
and you are driving me.
Ah! Then I am also the
German Soldier of the Month.
You are a big bungler that I
do not trust out of my sight.
Now, get ready. We
leave in two hours.
Schultz!
I'm going, Herr Colonel.
Ouch!
Sorry, Colonel.
Now, we can't make an omelet
without breaking a
few eggs, now, can we?
That's what I look
like... a French omelet.
Why can't Kinch be the busboy?
Let me be the doorman.
Bad casting, Colonel.
Bad, bad casting.
Besides, those are
the only two jobs
the underground could arrange
to have open at the club.
I mean, you heard
Dubois make the call, sir.
Yeah, I know, I know.
I'm just off-balance
about this whole
operation. I can't get with it.
It ain't exactly downhill
for me either, Colonel.
I don't know if this chick is
even going to remember me.
She was kind of a high
roller in high school.
I wasn't in her league at all.
She'll remember you.
Who could forget?
Sure. You didn't have
the mustache then.
It makes all the difference.
Marvelous thing, really.
I don't even know if I
want her to remember me.
Sounds like her best friend
now is a German general.
Schultz is coming.
All right, carry on.
Colonel Hogan, Colonel Hogan.
You will never guess!
Try me.
No! It is so incredible
that not in your life
are you going to guess.
Guess.
You're going to Paris.
Yes! I'm going to Paris!
You guessed.
Schultz, we've always
been honest with each other.
Now, give it to me straight.
What do you
think of this outfit?
How did you know that
I was going to Paris?
I'm going with you.
Now, come on.
Answer the question.
No! You're not going
to go with us! Not again!
Not on the roof
of the staff car!
All right, we'll let
Klink ride on the roof.
Colonel Hogan, please!
What is he wearing?
What... what are you wearing?
It's the latest thing
from Paris, Schultzy.
Now, what about
something for you?
Maybe some sequins
on your helmet?
I must report this,
Colonel Hogan. I must!
Okay, Schultz, suit yourself.
Only thing is, you're going
to have to explain how
you let us go along last time.
I did not!
Colonel Hogan, please.
I plead with you.
Do not spoil the great honor
that is being paid to
Commandant Klink.
You will never guess.
He's been chosen German
Soldier of the Month.
You guessed.
How did you know?
We chose him.
I see nothing!
I know nothing!
I hear nothing!
Herr Kommandant,
Le Bal Africain.
Schultz, you announce me.
Never mind. I'll
announce myself.
Pardon.
The club is closed.
My dear fellow, I'm
Kommandant Klink.
Yes?
German Soldier of the Month?
All-expense weekend in Paris?
The club is closed.
Here. I have a letter.
Obviously a forgery.
This could not be.
Look, if I could just see
Mademoiselle Kumasa.
Mademoiselle Kumasa
speaks to no one
below the rank of General.
General? Yes, of course.
I realize your position,
sir, but if I could just...
The club is closed.
Good day to you, sir.
Ah, c'est dommage!
Anything wrong, Herr Kommandant?
Everything is wrong, Schultz!
I know them.
Both of them.
From somewhere.
Do I know them, Schultz?
These Frenchmen,
Herr Kommandant...
They all look alike.
You know, Kinch, I'm beginning
to get a good feeling
about this for the first time.
The way we handled Klink?
Yeah. Had that old Stalag
13 touch... like the waterbed.
Now, if I hit him
in the face with it,
it would have been too much.
As it was, it felt
right. Just right.
The real trouble
may be in there.
Come on. We're rolling now.
She'll fall at your feet.
Let's go.
Us, Colonel?
Yeah. I can't talk to her alone.
Well, sir, I just thought
it might be better
if I went in first.
Yeah, you're right.
My timing is
still off. I'll wait.
Yes, sir.
I mean, I, um...
could mop the floor.
Entrez.
Mademoiselle, your new
doorman reporting for duty.
Oh? What happened
to the last one?
An indisposition,
but only temporary.
Well...
you're quite a change
from what he was.
You're quite a change
from Carol Dukes.
Don't tell me.
Well, you're out of uniform,
and a long way from home.
Ivan Kinchloe.
Well, that's pretty good.
I didn't think you even
knew my name in high school.
Oh, but I had a
thing for you, shy boy.
Didn't you know?
I wish I had.
So what is this?
You put on that funny suit
just so we could talk
about old times in Detroit?
Well, not exactly.
Ah.
Calvados?
Thanks. It might help.
To old times.
May they never return.
It's not likely.
Mmm.
So, now, tell me just
what it is you want.
Well, quite a bit.
And, uh... what is in it for me?
Very little.
Forget it.
We need the
defense plans to Paris.
We need you to help us get them.
And you want to use me
to get to Hammerschlag?
That's about it.
That's about it?
Well, what makes you think...
What makes you think
you can walk in here
and casually ask
me to jeopardize
everything I've
built all my life,
even risk my life,
for what? What?
You'll have to fill
that one in yourself.
Ah. For a country that gave me
nothing, and I mean not a thing.
Okay.
Apparently, I can't
compete with a Nazi general.
He's a pig.
But he gives my club protection,
and, if I could get him in touch
with the Ghost of Bismarck,
he'd give me Paris.
Wunderbar.
And what's wrong with that?
What is wrong with
looking after number one?
Nothing. It sounds like
everything is just great,
so what are you getting
so defensive about?
Oh, you would be a fool
to trust me. You know that.
Staff car outside looks
like Hammerschlag.
Where do we stand?
Nowhere.
Is that right?
I haven't made up my mind yet.
So you can either
stick around for the ride
or you can run right back
where you came from.
Colonel?
I haven't been right
about anything yet.
Let's stick around.
Entrez.
General von Hammerschlag.
Ah, my dear Kumasa. You may go.
General, may I present my
new doorman and my, uh...
Busboy... a mute, General,
unfortunately, but a
most unusual man.
Most interesting. Go.
Yes, of course, General.
And, uh, our congratulations.
Why congratulations?
Well, concerning
the Prince Bismarck.
Come, come. Wait.
I believe you mentioned
the name of Prince Bismarck.
What about Prince Bismarck?
Well, General, uh...
General? Kumasa
has found that this man,
in the proper hypnotic
state, talks directly
with a shade of Prince Bismarck.
But he is a mute, you said!
Most fascinating. He is!
A French mute.
But, under hypnosis,
his former self emerges...
An American of the past century.
I do not believe it.
Kumasa, you remember.
The Prince seemed
most interested in
the General's career.
You mentioned none of this.
It's all been most recent.
Look at him.
Obviously a man of
limited intelligence.
Observe the eyes...
How close together.
Yet, in the spirit world,
the intimate of princes.
I would like to know more.
Perhaps, next week.
Tonight.
We will try,
if Kumasa is willing.
Oh, I wouldn't miss it.
After her performance, then.
Agreed.
Remarkable.
The General will
bring the plans?
What plans? Did I not mention?
Prince Bismarck was most
anxious to see your plans
for the defense of Paris,
as one professional to another.
They must not leave my office.
As you say.
Of course, Prince
Bismarck may be quite angry.
We, uh...
We shall see.
Excellent, excellent.
I'll see the
General to the door.
Why did you have
to make me a mute?
So you hate my French accent.
What do you think
she's talking to him about?
Selling us out maybe. Maybe not.
Who knows?
It's a cinch I don't.
And what's wrong with my eyes?
They're beautiful,
Colonel. Beautiful!
Forget it.
♪ Darling, je vous
aime beaucoup ♪
♪ Je ne sais pas what to do ♪
♪ You know you've
completely stolen mon coeur ♪
♪ Morning, noon
and nighttime, too ♪
♪ Toujours
wondering what to do ♪
♪ Darling, je vous
aime beaucoup ♪
♪ I love you, yes, I do ♪
♪ Dear, you know my love
for you is très, très fort ♪
♪ I wish my French
were good enough ♪
♪ I'd tell you so much more ♪
♪ But I hope that you'll compris
all the things you mean to me ♪
♪ Darling, je vous
aime beaucoup ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ I love you, yes, I do. ♪
She's just finishing.
We got our signals straight?
I got the dummy
plans right here.
When we make the
switch during the seance,
I'll pass the real plans
out through the dressing
room window to Dubois.
Oui. Then I take
them on my bicycle
to where we are
going to microfilm them.
And then I bring
them back here...
Not more than ten minutes, huh?
Then we switch them
back again, and that's it.
Sound all right to you, Kinch?
It's going to be fine,
Colonel, just fine.
I believe it.
I really believe it.
And what about the woman?
I wish you hadn't
brought that up.
Enter, General. Enter.
The spirit world
is alive tonight.
We shall have
excellent communication.
Good. Come.
Where?
To my office.
The plans are still in my safe.
Uh, but, uh...
But, General, the
spiritual vibrations here...
They will vibrate just
as well elsewhere.
My staff car is waiting.
We shall go.
Excellent.
Ah! We're in luck, Schultz.
Are you sure, Herr Kommandant?
General Hammerschlag's car.
He's a friend, an old friend.
He'll straighten
things out in no time.
Oh, that would be very nice.
General Hammerschlag.
General Hammerschlag,
Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
Do you remember
me in the war college?
When I was a Colonel
and the General was
a First Lieutenant?
No, I do not.
Oh, of course, I
understand completely,
General Hammerschlag.
I mean, a man
of your responsibilities.
If I were in your position,
I wouldn't remember me either.
Good.
There's nothing else?
No, nothing, nothing at all,
except that a slight
problem has arisen
over my being chosen
German Soldier of the Month.
You?
In recognition of my work
as commandant of Stalag 13.
The keeper of a jail is now
German Soldier of the Month?
It does seem
ridiculous, doesn't it?
What are we coming to?
Oh, it's wonderful to
see the General again,
just wonderful.
The General straighten
out the difficulty?
He was jealous of me, Schultz.
Always jealous.
That's the mark of a small man.
You will make
yourselves comfortable.
I will get the plans.
Any sign of Dubois?
He'll be here.
It's going to take longer
to get the stuff
microfilmed from here.
You cats amaze me.
You really do.
You stand here
talking about this thing
like you're actually
going to pull it off.
Keep the faith, baby.
Something wrong?
Oh, nothing.
It's just impossible.
How do you know I
haven't sold you out already?
That has occurred to us.
And what's in it for you?
Money? Medals?
Oh, they're going to
give you the key to the city
if you ever get back to Detroit?
I doubt that rather strongly.
Then why?
Colonel, is that guy
coming back yet?
I'll let you know.
I'm a mute anyway.
Okay, we've just got
time for the short course.
Most people go through life
kind of semi-embalmed.
I don't know.
Maybe they like it.
But you're in a spot now
where you got to take a position.
Either you turn
us in or join up.
Now, you don't understand us.
That's not necessary for now.
Hammerschlag, you can
understand... real good.
So you just ask
yourself a question:
Do you want to spend
the rest of your life
in a Hammerschlag kind of world?
He's coming.
Keep the faith, baby.
Here?
No. You will sit here.
You here.
Please lower the lights.
And the window must be
open exactly four inches.
You will watch the
mute closely, General.
Under my guidance, he
will return to what he was
before reincarnation...
An American of the last century.
A man who talks freely
with the shade of
the great Bismarck.
You will watch my hands.
You will shut out
everything but my hands.
My hands are commanding
your eyes to close.
When you awake,
you will see no one.
You will be free to
talk to your friend.
Otto?
You will prepare yourself.
The entry of the prince
is sometimes violent.
Otto!
What, Otto?
Otto, you old horse thief.
He is here?
Yes.
Now they will talk.
No.
Really?
What are they talking about?
Family. Friends.
The weather.
Who knows?
Ah.
What do you think of the war?
Incompetent.
I agree.
Thoroughly incompetent.
He's not fit to command
a platoon. I agree.
Who are they talking about?
Their favorite subject.
The man's even a
bad paperhanger.
Not the Fuhrer?
They talk of him by the hour.
But, in my office, we
have a listening device.
You must... you must stop them.
One cannot control the spirits.
And the Generals
who go along with him?
Toads.
Toads... all of them.
What would you
do in their position?
Take 'em out and shoot 'em?
Stalingrad...
Classic bit of
bungling. Classic.
Over half an hour,
they have been
maligning the Fuhrer.
This cannot go on.
You must do something.
Otto, as...
Yeah, let's change the subject.
Do you think they
can hold on to Paris, Otto?
Could you possibly suggest
that the prince look at my plan?
I think he is doing it now.
You think what, Otto?
You think that's a plan?
You wouldn't change an item?
It'll never work.
Never!
I don't care if you were
chancellor of Germany.
What have you done recently?
What did you call me, Otto?
What?!
All right, put 'em up, Otto!
You are awake.
You will return.
Guard them well, General.
Apparently, they
are most valuable.
Thank you.
Um... I would check
them, General,
before I put them into the safe.
That was my intention.
Remarkable.
That Bismarck would talk to him.
Why wouldn't he talk to me?
Dubois get away all right?
Yeah, I guess he got away.
All right...
I'll go back and talk to Otto.
Yes, come in, come in, come in.
Just stopped in to
welcome you back, sir.
That's very kind of
you, Hogan. Dismissed.
Just between you
and me, Commandant,
how was Paris?
All they say it is?
Hogan, dismissed.
You can tell me, Commandant.
I bet you cut a wide swath.
Good-looking German colonel,
single, and Soldier
of the Month? Wow.
Hogan...
Just one little incident to
bring back to the men, sir.
You know they've all
been putting themselves
in the place of their commandant
prowling the streets of Paris.
Well, for a man in my position,
there were
opportunities, of course.
Start with your
arrival at the club, sir.
The showgirls pouring
out in the street...
Like that?
There were a
few... four or five.
Or eight.
Later there were more.
Wow! And then...
Colonel Hogan!
Excuse me, Herr Kommandant.
I told Colonel Hogan
not to disturb you
after the miserable
time you had in Paris.
I told him!
Well, I guess I'll be
going along, Commandant.
Hogan!
Schultz, give Hogan
three days in the cooler.
And put yourself in with him.
But what did I do?
Out!
Showed up at the
wrong time, Schultz.
I'd have given you a month.
Out!
Paris, mon Colonel.
You're a long way from home,
Dubois. Sit down, sit down.
Well, we need assistance.
Lafayette, we are here.
LeBeau, get him some coffee
and put some vin in it, huh?
What year? Oh, allez, allez.
Well, in Paris we
have a problem.
A real problem.
The impossible
we do immediately.
We have trouble
with the easy ones.
This is not easy.
You know of, uh,
General Hammerschlag?
Commander of the Paris Garrison.
Oui. He has drawn
up a master plan
for the defense of
Paris by the Boche.
We must have that plan.
You think it's that important?
When the Allies
reach Paris in force,
the Germans will
pull out like that.
That is not what
concerns us, LeBeau.
When Paris can no
longer be defended,
Hitler has ordered
it to be blown up,
to the last building.
Not even the Germans...
Blow up Paris? Ha!
Unless we stop them.
Hammerschlag's plan
has the exact location
of every stick of dynamite.
Would be handy to have.
We should be able to
get to him, but we cannot.
An Achilles heel?
A mystic, wants to part
the, uh, the veil of the future.
Seeks guidance
from the ghost of
Prince Bismarck.
Sounds like our type fella.
There is a woman
at Le Bal Africain...
Kumasa... a singer.
We believe she has
some sort of influence
on Hammerschlag.
But she has repulsed
all our tries at contact.
But you have
checked her out? Oui.
And that intelligence
has been most helpful.
Although she passes
in Paris as African,
she is actually American.
An American. Good.
Glad you came to us, Dubois.
This is what we do best.
LeBeau, you're
coming with me to Paris.
Great. Newkirk, Carter, Kinch,
you stay here and cover for us.
Right, sir. What do we
do about Klink, Colonel?
Well, I guess it would be
safest if he came along with us.
Dubois, we'll leave
tomorrow, is that enough time?
Well, Colonel Hogan,
there is a slight
misunderstanding.
About the reason I came here.
You came to have us
take over the mission,
what else could you come for?
Well, uh, Allied
intelligence gave us
a possible contact with Kumasa.
A man she went
to high school with
in the United States is, uh,
is a prisoner in Stalag 13.
You came here just to get him?
Oui.
Sergeant Kinchloe.
Wow.
Kinch, you lucky dog. Paris!
And he's not even French!
Paris. Boy! The Eiffel Tower.
Kinch, I'm very happy for you.
Why don't you
come along, Colonel?
As my guest.
Well, thanks.
Schultz! Get in here
on the double! Quick!
Jawohl, Jawohl, Herr
Kommandant. What is it?
An escape? A riot?
Schultz, prepare the staff car.
Your commandant has been chosen
German Soldier of the Month,
and we are driving to Paris
for me to enjoy my prize.
Is there another Colonel
Klink, Herr Kommandant?
What are you talking
about, Schultz?
This club in Paris,
Le Bal Africain...
Very big, very
important, I'm sure...
Is awarding me this
all-expense weekend...
Champagne, lodging,
beautiful girls...
To look at, of course...
For my excellent
work at Stalag 13,
and you are driving me.
Ah! Then I am also the
German Soldier of the Month.
You are a big bungler that I
do not trust out of my sight.
Now, get ready. We
leave in two hours.
Schultz!
I'm going, Herr Colonel.
Ouch!
Sorry, Colonel.
Now, we can't make an omelet
without breaking a
few eggs, now, can we?
That's what I look
like... a French omelet.
Why can't Kinch be the busboy?
Let me be the doorman.
Bad casting, Colonel.
Bad, bad casting.
Besides, those are
the only two jobs
the underground could arrange
to have open at the club.
I mean, you heard
Dubois make the call, sir.
Yeah, I know, I know.
I'm just off-balance
about this whole
operation. I can't get with it.
It ain't exactly downhill
for me either, Colonel.
I don't know if this chick is
even going to remember me.
She was kind of a high
roller in high school.
I wasn't in her league at all.
She'll remember you.
Who could forget?
Sure. You didn't have
the mustache then.
It makes all the difference.
Marvelous thing, really.
I don't even know if I
want her to remember me.
Sounds like her best friend
now is a German general.
Schultz is coming.
All right, carry on.
Colonel Hogan, Colonel Hogan.
You will never guess!
Try me.
No! It is so incredible
that not in your life
are you going to guess.
Guess.
You're going to Paris.
Yes! I'm going to Paris!
You guessed.
Schultz, we've always
been honest with each other.
Now, give it to me straight.
What do you
think of this outfit?
How did you know that
I was going to Paris?
I'm going with you.
Now, come on.
Answer the question.
No! You're not going
to go with us! Not again!
Not on the roof
of the staff car!
All right, we'll let
Klink ride on the roof.
Colonel Hogan, please!
What is he wearing?
What... what are you wearing?
It's the latest thing
from Paris, Schultzy.
Now, what about
something for you?
Maybe some sequins
on your helmet?
I must report this,
Colonel Hogan. I must!
Okay, Schultz, suit yourself.
Only thing is, you're going
to have to explain how
you let us go along last time.
I did not!
Colonel Hogan, please.
I plead with you.
Do not spoil the great honor
that is being paid to
Commandant Klink.
You will never guess.
He's been chosen German
Soldier of the Month.
You guessed.
How did you know?
We chose him.
I see nothing!
I know nothing!
I hear nothing!
Herr Kommandant,
Le Bal Africain.
Schultz, you announce me.
Never mind. I'll
announce myself.
Pardon.
The club is closed.
My dear fellow, I'm
Kommandant Klink.
Yes?
German Soldier of the Month?
All-expense weekend in Paris?
The club is closed.
Here. I have a letter.
Obviously a forgery.
This could not be.
Look, if I could just see
Mademoiselle Kumasa.
Mademoiselle Kumasa
speaks to no one
below the rank of General.
General? Yes, of course.
I realize your position,
sir, but if I could just...
The club is closed.
Good day to you, sir.
Ah, c'est dommage!
Anything wrong, Herr Kommandant?
Everything is wrong, Schultz!
I know them.
Both of them.
From somewhere.
Do I know them, Schultz?
These Frenchmen,
Herr Kommandant...
They all look alike.
You know, Kinch, I'm beginning
to get a good feeling
about this for the first time.
The way we handled Klink?
Yeah. Had that old Stalag
13 touch... like the waterbed.
Now, if I hit him
in the face with it,
it would have been too much.
As it was, it felt
right. Just right.
The real trouble
may be in there.
Come on. We're rolling now.
She'll fall at your feet.
Let's go.
Us, Colonel?
Yeah. I can't talk to her alone.
Well, sir, I just thought
it might be better
if I went in first.
Yeah, you're right.
My timing is
still off. I'll wait.
Yes, sir.
I mean, I, um...
could mop the floor.
Entrez.
Mademoiselle, your new
doorman reporting for duty.
Oh? What happened
to the last one?
An indisposition,
but only temporary.
Well...
you're quite a change
from what he was.
You're quite a change
from Carol Dukes.
Don't tell me.
Well, you're out of uniform,
and a long way from home.
Ivan Kinchloe.
Well, that's pretty good.
I didn't think you even
knew my name in high school.
Oh, but I had a
thing for you, shy boy.
Didn't you know?
I wish I had.
So what is this?
You put on that funny suit
just so we could talk
about old times in Detroit?
Well, not exactly.
Ah.
Calvados?
Thanks. It might help.
To old times.
May they never return.
It's not likely.
Mmm.
So, now, tell me just
what it is you want.
Well, quite a bit.
And, uh... what is in it for me?
Very little.
Forget it.
We need the
defense plans to Paris.
We need you to help us get them.
And you want to use me
to get to Hammerschlag?
That's about it.
That's about it?
Well, what makes you think...
What makes you think
you can walk in here
and casually ask
me to jeopardize
everything I've
built all my life,
even risk my life,
for what? What?
You'll have to fill
that one in yourself.
Ah. For a country that gave me
nothing, and I mean not a thing.
Okay.
Apparently, I can't
compete with a Nazi general.
He's a pig.
But he gives my club protection,
and, if I could get him in touch
with the Ghost of Bismarck,
he'd give me Paris.
Wunderbar.
And what's wrong with that?
What is wrong with
looking after number one?
Nothing. It sounds like
everything is just great,
so what are you getting
so defensive about?
Oh, you would be a fool
to trust me. You know that.
Staff car outside looks
like Hammerschlag.
Where do we stand?
Nowhere.
Is that right?
I haven't made up my mind yet.
So you can either
stick around for the ride
or you can run right back
where you came from.
Colonel?
I haven't been right
about anything yet.
Let's stick around.
Entrez.
General von Hammerschlag.
Ah, my dear Kumasa. You may go.
General, may I present my
new doorman and my, uh...
Busboy... a mute, General,
unfortunately, but a
most unusual man.
Most interesting. Go.
Yes, of course, General.
And, uh, our congratulations.
Why congratulations?
Well, concerning
the Prince Bismarck.
Come, come. Wait.
I believe you mentioned
the name of Prince Bismarck.
What about Prince Bismarck?
Well, General, uh...
General? Kumasa
has found that this man,
in the proper hypnotic
state, talks directly
with a shade of Prince Bismarck.
But he is a mute, you said!
Most fascinating. He is!
A French mute.
But, under hypnosis,
his former self emerges...
An American of the past century.
I do not believe it.
Kumasa, you remember.
The Prince seemed
most interested in
the General's career.
You mentioned none of this.
It's all been most recent.
Look at him.
Obviously a man of
limited intelligence.
Observe the eyes...
How close together.
Yet, in the spirit world,
the intimate of princes.
I would like to know more.
Perhaps, next week.
Tonight.
We will try,
if Kumasa is willing.
Oh, I wouldn't miss it.
After her performance, then.
Agreed.
Remarkable.
The General will
bring the plans?
What plans? Did I not mention?
Prince Bismarck was most
anxious to see your plans
for the defense of Paris,
as one professional to another.
They must not leave my office.
As you say.
Of course, Prince
Bismarck may be quite angry.
We, uh...
We shall see.
Excellent, excellent.
I'll see the
General to the door.
Why did you have
to make me a mute?
So you hate my French accent.
What do you think
she's talking to him about?
Selling us out maybe. Maybe not.
Who knows?
It's a cinch I don't.
And what's wrong with my eyes?
They're beautiful,
Colonel. Beautiful!
Forget it.
♪ Darling, je vous
aime beaucoup ♪
♪ Je ne sais pas what to do ♪
♪ You know you've
completely stolen mon coeur ♪
♪ Morning, noon
and nighttime, too ♪
♪ Toujours
wondering what to do ♪
♪ Darling, je vous
aime beaucoup ♪
♪ I love you, yes, I do ♪
♪ Dear, you know my love
for you is très, très fort ♪
♪ I wish my French
were good enough ♪
♪ I'd tell you so much more ♪
♪ But I hope that you'll compris
all the things you mean to me ♪
♪ Darling, je vous
aime beaucoup ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ I love you, yes, I do. ♪
She's just finishing.
We got our signals straight?
I got the dummy
plans right here.
When we make the
switch during the seance,
I'll pass the real plans
out through the dressing
room window to Dubois.
Oui. Then I take
them on my bicycle
to where we are
going to microfilm them.
And then I bring
them back here...
Not more than ten minutes, huh?
Then we switch them
back again, and that's it.
Sound all right to you, Kinch?
It's going to be fine,
Colonel, just fine.
I believe it.
I really believe it.
And what about the woman?
I wish you hadn't
brought that up.
Enter, General. Enter.
The spirit world
is alive tonight.
We shall have
excellent communication.
Good. Come.
Where?
To my office.
The plans are still in my safe.
Uh, but, uh...
But, General, the
spiritual vibrations here...
They will vibrate just
as well elsewhere.
My staff car is waiting.
We shall go.
Excellent.
Ah! We're in luck, Schultz.
Are you sure, Herr Kommandant?
General Hammerschlag's car.
He's a friend, an old friend.
He'll straighten
things out in no time.
Oh, that would be very nice.
General Hammerschlag.
General Hammerschlag,
Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
Do you remember
me in the war college?
When I was a Colonel
and the General was
a First Lieutenant?
No, I do not.
Oh, of course, I
understand completely,
General Hammerschlag.
I mean, a man
of your responsibilities.
If I were in your position,
I wouldn't remember me either.
Good.
There's nothing else?
No, nothing, nothing at all,
except that a slight
problem has arisen
over my being chosen
German Soldier of the Month.
You?
In recognition of my work
as commandant of Stalag 13.
The keeper of a jail is now
German Soldier of the Month?
It does seem
ridiculous, doesn't it?
What are we coming to?
Oh, it's wonderful to
see the General again,
just wonderful.
The General straighten
out the difficulty?
He was jealous of me, Schultz.
Always jealous.
That's the mark of a small man.
You will make
yourselves comfortable.
I will get the plans.
Any sign of Dubois?
He'll be here.
It's going to take longer
to get the stuff
microfilmed from here.
You cats amaze me.
You really do.
You stand here
talking about this thing
like you're actually
going to pull it off.
Keep the faith, baby.
Something wrong?
Oh, nothing.
It's just impossible.
How do you know I
haven't sold you out already?
That has occurred to us.
And what's in it for you?
Money? Medals?
Oh, they're going to
give you the key to the city
if you ever get back to Detroit?
I doubt that rather strongly.
Then why?
Colonel, is that guy
coming back yet?
I'll let you know.
I'm a mute anyway.
Okay, we've just got
time for the short course.
Most people go through life
kind of semi-embalmed.
I don't know.
Maybe they like it.
But you're in a spot now
where you got to take a position.
Either you turn
us in or join up.
Now, you don't understand us.
That's not necessary for now.
Hammerschlag, you can
understand... real good.
So you just ask
yourself a question:
Do you want to spend
the rest of your life
in a Hammerschlag kind of world?
He's coming.
Keep the faith, baby.
Here?
No. You will sit here.
You here.
Please lower the lights.
And the window must be
open exactly four inches.
You will watch the
mute closely, General.
Under my guidance, he
will return to what he was
before reincarnation...
An American of the last century.
A man who talks freely
with the shade of
the great Bismarck.
You will watch my hands.
You will shut out
everything but my hands.
My hands are commanding
your eyes to close.
When you awake,
you will see no one.
You will be free to
talk to your friend.
Otto?
You will prepare yourself.
The entry of the prince
is sometimes violent.
Otto!
What, Otto?
Otto, you old horse thief.
He is here?
Yes.
Now they will talk.
No.
Really?
What are they talking about?
Family. Friends.
The weather.
Who knows?
Ah.
What do you think of the war?
Incompetent.
I agree.
Thoroughly incompetent.
He's not fit to command
a platoon. I agree.
Who are they talking about?
Their favorite subject.
The man's even a
bad paperhanger.
Not the Fuhrer?
They talk of him by the hour.
But, in my office, we
have a listening device.
You must... you must stop them.
One cannot control the spirits.
And the Generals
who go along with him?
Toads.
Toads... all of them.
What would you
do in their position?
Take 'em out and shoot 'em?
Stalingrad...
Classic bit of
bungling. Classic.
Over half an hour,
they have been
maligning the Fuhrer.
This cannot go on.
You must do something.
Otto, as...
Yeah, let's change the subject.
Do you think they
can hold on to Paris, Otto?
Could you possibly suggest
that the prince look at my plan?
I think he is doing it now.
You think what, Otto?
You think that's a plan?
You wouldn't change an item?
It'll never work.
Never!
I don't care if you were
chancellor of Germany.
What have you done recently?
What did you call me, Otto?
What?!
All right, put 'em up, Otto!
You are awake.
You will return.
Guard them well, General.
Apparently, they
are most valuable.
Thank you.
Um... I would check
them, General,
before I put them into the safe.
That was my intention.
Remarkable.
That Bismarck would talk to him.
Why wouldn't he talk to me?
Dubois get away all right?
Yeah, I guess he got away.
All right...
I'll go back and talk to Otto.
Yes, come in, come in, come in.
Just stopped in to
welcome you back, sir.
That's very kind of
you, Hogan. Dismissed.
Just between you
and me, Commandant,
how was Paris?
All they say it is?
Hogan, dismissed.
You can tell me, Commandant.
I bet you cut a wide swath.
Good-looking German colonel,
single, and Soldier
of the Month? Wow.
Hogan...
Just one little incident to
bring back to the men, sir.
You know they've all
been putting themselves
in the place of their commandant
prowling the streets of Paris.
Well, for a man in my position,
there were
opportunities, of course.
Start with your
arrival at the club, sir.
The showgirls pouring
out in the street...
Like that?
There were a
few... four or five.
Or eight.
Later there were more.
Wow! And then...
Colonel Hogan!
Excuse me, Herr Kommandant.
I told Colonel Hogan
not to disturb you
after the miserable
time you had in Paris.
I told him!
Well, I guess I'll be
going along, Commandant.
Hogan!
Schultz, give Hogan
three days in the cooler.
And put yourself in with him.
But what did I do?
Out!
Showed up at the
wrong time, Schultz.
I'd have given you a month.
Out!