Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 12 - A Russian Is Coming - full transcript

All right, hold
it. Whoever it is,

he's coming through
the entrance to the tunnel.

All right, break.

Dubois?

Why did you sneak in this way?

Boy, you almost got shot.

In the underground, you
have to get used to that.

What's up?

Colonel, I have
a present for you.

What's that.

Qu'est-ce que c'est que ça?



Just what I've always
wanted... a sleeping bag.

This one seems wide awake.

What's in there?
A dog and a cat?

Why did you bring him here?

Why didn't you get
rid of him outside?

Well, I could not do that.

He's on our side.

Then why is he all tied up?

Because he does not
believe that we are on his side.

Who is he?

He's a Russian pilot.

His plane was forced
down with engine trouble

in a field about a
half a mile from here.

When we went to rescue him,



he fought us like a maniac.

It took eight men to tie him up.

Did you tell him
you were friends?

Of course.

But, for him,

anybody who doesn't
speak Russian is the enemy.

Well, mon Colonel,

he's going to be your baby now.

Thanks for leaving
him on our doorstep.

Au revoir, mes amis.

Au revoir. Au revoir.

All right, let's get him untied.

Wait a minute. Hold it. Hold it.

Let's make sure he
understands we're friendly.

We are friends. Understand?

Allies.

Pals.

On the same side.

Buddies.

We're with you.

"Friends."

Understand?

On the same side.

Yeah, all right.

He'll be okay. Untie him.

Ow! He bit me!

First person comes
close gets this.

Oh, boy.

Look, comrade,
get this straight:

I'm Colonel Hogan,
United States Air Force.

Carter, Kinch, American.

LeBeau, French.

Newkirk, English.

The men who brought you
here are with the underground.

We work with them.

Now, put away the gun.

How do I know
you are telling truth?

How do you know we're not?

The colonel is
leveling with you.

Do I look German to you?

Lieutenant Igor
Grygorovich Piotkin.

15th Air Wing, 51st Army.

Welcome to Stalag 13.

Kinch.

Hi.

Great pleasure to meet you.

I'll bet you're hungry.

Da. How would you know?

I could tell by the
way you bit my thumb.

I never saw a more
suspicious man.

Well, he knows
we're all right now.

That's right.

But do we know
if he's all right?

What are you getting at?

Can you think of a better way

to divert suspicion
from yourself

than to pretend to be suspicious

of someone else?

You mean you think he's a spy?

I think we'd better ask him

some more questions,
just to satisfy ourselves.

Well, I'm not going to
be so easy to satisfy.

Well, Igor, how's it going?

Mmm.

How many home
runs did Babe Ruth hit

for the world's record?

What?

Who is Betty Grable married to?

What you talk about?

Who said, "Come up
and see me sometime"?

Guess that proves
that Curly doesn't know.

Carter, all that proves
is he isn't an American.

Yeah. That's what
it proves, all right.

I hope you fellows
haven't forgotten

the big birthday
celebration tomorrow.

Of course not.

No, sir. We've been
waiting anxiously.

What birthday?

Alexander Graham
Bell's birthday.

He's a very famous American.

Never heard him.

He's the man who
invented the telephone.

Is not true.

Telephone invented by Russian.

Every schoolchild know this.

American.

Russian.

American.

Russian.

American!

Russian, Russian, Russian!

He's the real McCoy.

Or the real McCoyski.

Igor Grygorovich Piotkin.

Yeah, okay, Iggy.

What are we going to
do with him, Colonel?

Try and fix his plane

so he can fly out of here.

You are going to fix?

What I know about my plane

is newest, most
advanced Russian model.

I know, Iggy.

It's exactly the same model

we had two years ago.

Did you hear a plane
landing last night?

A plane with engine trouble?

Yes, sir, I did. I
did, I did, I did, I did.

Here it is. At 9:05.

You see, sir, I'm
on top of everything.

Did you investigate

to see if it was an enemy plane?

Oh, naturally not.

I thought it was
one of our planes.

Because it had engine trouble?

Oh, sir, you know how it is.

So many of our planes come in

all shot up, and you can
hear the engine missing...

Last night, I did
not hear a thing, sir.

A Russian plane
was found a half a mile

from this camp.

Oh, was it that close, sir?

But the pilot was missing.

Headquarters in Berlin
demands he be found right away.

Mm-hmm, oh, I know how
unpleasant that can be, sir.

Especially when headquarters

is on your neck all the time.

Oh, I have
sympathy for you, sir.

What did you tell them?

That I'm putting you
in complete charge

of finding the pilot.

You didn't.

I also told them that you
will be personally responsible

for the capture of the Russian.

General Burkhalter,
you have put me

into a terrible position.

Klink, believe me,
you have my sympathy.

Colonel! Colonel Hogan!

All right, hold the noise down!

Hold the noise down, Igor!

You want the
Germans to hear you?

I just want to know

when my plane will be landing.

I must get back to Russia.

There's been a change in plans.

What?

Your plane has been
found by the Nazis.

We're going to get
you back to England.

I refuse.

I came from Russia.

I am going back to Russia.

How you going to get
there, mate? Walk?

How far is it to
the Russian front?

It's getting closer every day.

It's still out of the question.

Now, look, Igor, be reasonable.

Schultz!

All right, look.

Switch. Switch.

What are you doing?!

Keep your head down!

Colonel Hogan.

Oh, here you are, Colonel.

Did you hear the latest news?

We shot down a Russian plane.

Our antiaircraft brought
him down from 10,000 feet.

It was right near the camp.

Pretty good shooting, Schultz.

What happened to the pilot?

He got away, but we
are going to find him.

Oh, our men our looking for him.

The Fuhrer said all the
Russians are cowards.

They're always on the run.

Reports I here,

they're running the
wrong way, Schultz.

What's the matter with him?

Nothing. He just doesn't
want to get his hair cut.

Just like a little boy, huh?

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Colonel Hogan.

Mm-hmm?

There seems to be
some irregularity here.

Whatever it is, Schultz,

it's your imagination.

I have to report.

Just a minute, Schultz.

Let me tell you a story first.

I have no time for stories.

This story you'll
be interested in.

It's about a certain
German sergeant

who wanted to look good

in front of his
commanding officer

by making a report on something

he should have ignored.

Now, this sergeant,
who, in his barracks,

has 12 pounds of coffee,
a dozen pair of nylons...

Which, incidentally,
are made in America.

You gave them to me.

Did I mention any names?

Now, the story's about
what would happen

to this sergeant
if the colonel...

Wait.

I'm going to count again.

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

You're right.

It was my imagination.

Good.

All right, let's get him
down in the tunnel.

Come on!

Nyet! I will not go down there!

Iggy, don't force me

to make you see
my point of view.

Might I see your point of view?

Here's your hat. Be careful.

Here he comes... Schultz.

Colonel, I thought it over.

I am going to give you back
the coffee and the nylons.

If that's the way
you want it, Schultz.

That's the way.

Now I an going to report.

Naturally, you've
got your duty to do.

Jawohl. One, two, three, four...

five...

six, seven, eight, nine...

Something wrong, Schultz?

I thought...

Never mind.

Now, about the
nylons and coffee.

Trouble with you, Colonel Hogan,

is you never know when
someone is making a joke.

You were making a joke?

Ja. I was making a ha-ha.

Everything's okay?

Ja. Good.

Ha-ha.

Ha-ha.

Well, that takes
care of Schultz.

Now what about Igor?

There's still a problem.

Go down and bring him up, huh?

Right.

You know, sir, he's
not going to settle

for anything less than Russia.

He's going to have to.

We're sending him to England.

Colonel, he's gone.

Gone?

Yeah. He went right
out the tunnel entrance.

He's going back to Russia

like a homing
pigeon... Dead east.

He's not going to get very far

with all those men Klink
has searching for him.

Why don't we go
out and look for him?

In broad daylight?

Not a chance.

Well, we can't just sit here.

You're right.

Where you going, Colonel?

Sit in Klink's office.

Now, your squad will cover
this entire area: sector B14.

The other squad will cover
this entire area: sector C11.

Check everything and everybody.

I want you to find
that Russian pilot.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Yes? Colonel Klink speaking.

Lieutenant Bergman.

Anything new to report?

Nothing.

No, you can't
come here for lunch.

Forget about eating.
I'm hungry, too.

Just find that Russian pilot.

Looking for a Russian flier?

Yes, I certainly am.

Why don't you put
an ad in the paper?

Must be a few of
them who aren't busy.

I am looking for a pilot

who landed in
this area yesterday.

In other words, I'm
looking for a particular pilot.

Ah, come on now.

Can't be too particular

if he landed around here.

Colonel Hogan, are you
here for anything special?

Yeah, I wanted to know when you
expect the Red Cross packages for my men.

When they get
here, you'll get them.

Not sooner.

Sounds fair enough.

Oh, your telephone, sir.

Thank you.

Colonel Klink speaking.

Yes, Berlin.

Lieutenant Huber?

Field Marshal Gruneke's aide.

Sir, it's a pleasure
always to...

Yes, sir. We're making
a very thorough search

for the Russian pilot.

Of course, sir. As
soon as we find him

we'll let you know.

And, sir, I'd like to say I
have left nothing to chance.

Every detail has
been worked out.

Hello? Hello?

These pins... they aren't
the area you're searching in.

They certainly are.

Don't you see the
mistake you're...

I'm sorry. It's none
of my business.

That's right, Hogan. It's
none of your business.

It's not.

Hogan... come back here.

You called me, sir?

What, uh, were you going to say?

It's really none of my business.

Hogan, as
commanding officer here,

it is my business to find out

what's none of your business.

Now, talk.

Well, you've got all
your search parties

spread out east
of the prison camp.

Why?

Because it happens to be
in the direction of Russia.

And it is reasonable to assume

that a Russian would
try to go to Russia.

Put yourself in his place.

Would you go in the area in
which everyone was looking for you,

or would you think to yourself

they'll be looking
here, but I'll go here.

The distance is
shorter to England.

He can get help from
the French underground.

Hogan, I've never
heard such nonsense.

When it comes to military
tactics, you're a child.

I'm not trying to compare
myself to you, sir.

I should hope not.

Now, that's all.

This is Colonel Klink.

Message to all units.

Abandon search in all
sectors east of the camp.

This is Colonel Klink.

Cover all areas
west of the camp.

Unit commanders report
to me every 15 minutes.

This is Colonel Klink. I...

No, Lieutenant Bergman,
forget about lunch.

I just want you to
find that Russian pilot.

You said what to Klink?

I just gave him
Horace Greely's advice.

Who is Horace Greely?

A great man who
had a wonderful plan

for relieving
congestion in New York.

The tunnel.

Hey, maybe Igor's come back.

If he has, it's the first
good sense he's shown.

Colonel Hogan, will you please
keep your pigeon at home?

Did he give you much trouble?

Trouble? He's a
one-man Russian front.

We'll keep an eye
on him this time.

And, if he gets away again,

I'm going to turn him over to
the Germans in self-defense.

All right, Dubois.

Ta-ta.

You've been a naughty boy, Igor.

Colonel, as long as you
keep me against my will,

I am prisoner.

But you cannot watch forever.

I am not going to
England. I go to Russia!

What's so special about Russia?

Colonel, you have
never been there?

Never.

You do not know
what you are missing.

Oh, really? Tell me.

I'd love to hear the story.

Will be pleasure.

Russia is most
wonderful country.

Is it big?

Ten times bigger
than United States.

Most beautiful rivers.

The Volga is longest
river in entire world.

Cities? Moscow...

Kinch, I want you to
hook up a telephone wire

from Klink's office to mine.

I'll have it rigged
for you in a half hour.

Igor going to England?

Nope. Russia.

But, in 1925, shipping tonnage

on Volga increased
by ten percent,

or 176,000 tons more.

At same time, wheat
crops, in spite of...

We're all set.

We're all hooked
into Klink's office.

Now all I got to do is
attach this wire to this phone.

So you covered all the areas?

Twice?

Well, there's no use continuing.

Have all the units
report to camp at once.

Schultz.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

The search is off.

Have all...

Yes? Colonel Klink speaking.

This is Lieutenant Huber.

Why haven't you reported to me?

Field Marshal von
Gruneke is very displeased.

Are you going on with the
search for the Russian pilot?

Of course, Lieutenant Huber.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, I wouldn't
dream of giving it up.

Our men are working
all around the clock.

This is Colonel Klink speaking.

The search is on.

Have all units report
back to the field.

No, Lieutenant Bergman,

I do not want to
hear about lunch,

nor dinner either.

How do you like this
Lieutenant Huber for gall?

All right, I suppose.

All right? It's an outrage.

"Why haven't you
reported to me?"

"Sloppy, inefficient command."

Imagine, a young lieutenant

talking like that
to me... A colonel.

That's not nice!

I don't have to take that.

If the field marshal
finds out about this,

he will not approve.

A field marshal
understands discipline.

He would put that fresh
Lieutenant Huber in his place.

And I'll see to it that
he finds out about it.

Yes, he'll find out about it.

Get me Field Marshal von
Gruneke's headquarters

in Berlin at once.
It's most important.

Schultz, what are you
standing around for?

Don't you have something to do?!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Yes, tell him

it is a matter concerning
Lieutenant Huber.

I'll wait.

Huber?

That wouldn't be the Huber

whose uncle is Field Marshal
von Gruneke, would it?

His uncle?!

Field Marshal von Gruneke?

Wrong number.

What do you know
about Lieutenant Huber?

Oh, he's very well-known.

His sister's married
to Goebbel's cousin.

His mother went to school with
Goering's wife... her best friend.

Goering? Oh, but most important,

do you know who
everyone says his father is?

But Hitler is not married!

So what?

That would make Huber...

So's his old man.

Was then five-year
plan introduced...

Actually, was only four
and one quarter years.

Oh, thank goodness.

Factory production,

agriculture quotas
were increased.

The workers sang as they worked.

What about sleep?

What a marvelous idea.

Six hours was found to
be enough by our scientists.

As we cut our sleep, we
increased working hours.

The first year was
glorious success.

Let me give you figures.

Now, one would never expect...

Colonel Klink, this
is Lieutenant Huber.

Why haven't I heard from you?

What about the Russian?

We haven't found
him yet but, believe me,

it'll be just a matter
of an hour or two.

Colonel, we don't want excuses.

We want results.

Believe me, sir, we're
doing everything we can.

That's not good enough.

I'm in your area now.

If we don't get
some action soon,

I'm coming in to take
personal charge myself.

That won't be necessary, sir.

He can't get away.

We'll find him.

For your sake, I hope so.

By the way, were you the one

who called my uncle,
Field Marshal von Gruneke

to talk about me?

Why, no, sir.

I haven't been near my phone.

I must have some
action or heads will roll.

Yes, sir.

He's got to be the son.

Igor, we're going to
get you back to Russia.

That is wonderful.

But you'll have to trust me.

Do whatever I say, no
matter what you think.

I will. Fine.

Yes? Klink speaking.

This is Field
Marshal von Gruneke.

Oh, Field Marshal von Gruneke.

Oh, I'm sorry, but
we still haven't...

I just wanted to let you know

we have captured the
Russian flier here in Berlin.

You did? In Berlin?

But, sir, your aide,
Lieutenant Huber...

Don't mention Lieutenant
Huber's name to me!

He is a disgrace.

But he's your nephew, sir.

Not anymore!

I have disowned him.

He stole money from
the officer's mess.

Is that so?

And now he has disappeared.

He's a deserter.

But, the last time he called,

he said he was in this area.

If you see him, you will
have him shot at once.

Yes, sir, I'll make a
note of it: shoot Huber.

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

That's too good for him.

I have a better idea.

Yes?

Yes?

Oh, that's perfect.

Oh, yes, sir.
That's much better.

Oh, yes, sir.

Igor, you'll soon
be on your way,

so we better say good-bye here.

Good-bye.

I guess now we're engaged.

Forget it. Come on.

This is Colonel
Klink's office right here.

Okay, Lieutenant Huber...

Ah, Lieutenant Huber,
come in, come in, come in.

I cannot tell you how
I've been looking forward

to this little meeting.

You will never guess

who I spoke to
a little while ago.

Hmm? You don't want to guess?

Your uncle, the field marshal.

Oh, he's very unhappy.

You know, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself.

Stealing.

And a deserter, too.

Hard to believe a
field marshal's nephew

could sink so low.

I suppose you're going
to have him shot, sir?

No.

We have something
much better in store

for the young lieutenant.

Guard!

Take this man to the
transportation officer in town

and give him this order.

You

are being sent to
the Russian front.

No, Colonel, not that!

Yes, that's the place for
him... The Russian front.

Take him away.

Russian front?

That's what I call justice.

Even better than that,

it's getting even.

You know, it would
be a funny thing if, um...

What?

If he really wanted to
go to the Russian front.

Ja.

That would be funny.