Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 13 - An Evening of Generals - full transcript
Posing as waiters, the heroes want to get rid of a room full of German generals.
It is an important and
highly secret meeting.
I understand,
General Burkhalter.
I doubt it.
Staff officers,
generals, admirals
from every branch of the
forces will attend this meeting.
Strategy meeting?
What for?
They've been doing okay.
Generals have to keep busy
while everyone else is fighting.
Hammelburg has been chosen
because of its
proximity to Stalag 13.
Very good planning,
General Burkhalter.
Klink, shut up and listen.
Yes, sir. Shut up and listen.
The conference will
begin on the 15th.
The night before, on the 14th,
you will arrange a
dinner party... a banquet...
Just to start things off on
a friendly basis with, uh,
plenty of Gemutlichkeit.
Exactly as I would have done it.
Really?
We'll go ahead with it anyway.
I shall make all
the arrangements...
The banquet,
security, everything.
I will be at Berchtesgaden,
so the entire affair
is your responsibility.
I need the cooperation
of everyone
connected with this conference.
We'll cooperate, won't we?
I knew I could count on you.
Here are the
names of the officers
who will attend this meeting.
For your eyes only.
Yes, sir.
Memorize it and destroy it.
The finest military minds
in all of the Third Reich.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
General Kordle...
Very impressive list.
It doesn't have the name
"Colonel Klink" in there.
Probably an oversight
at headquarters.
I consider it the
perfect oversight.
Kinch, I'll need a
camera right away. Right.
I also need five minutes
in Klink's office, alone.
Oh, sure.
Come on, fellas,
just follow my lead.
We got to stall
them a little bit.
What do you want us to do?
Pick up some dusters
and rags. Let's go.
Colonel. Colonel.
May I talk to you a moment?
Not now, Hogan. Can't you see
I'm busy with the general?
Sorry, sir. It's personal.
Wait for me in my
office. Thank you, sir.
All right, make it shine.
What's the matter with you?!
Are you crazy?
Just a moment!
What is the meaning of this?
It's pride, sir.
You can't expect the general
to return to Berlin
from Stalag 13
with a dirty car.
Get them out of here.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
No, no. Let them finish.
Small matter.
Yes, sir. Proceed.
Sir, I must apologize,
but sometimes they
act like little children.
Right, but we've got the most
wonderful daddy
in the whole world.
I have no idea where it is.
It's probably
somewhere in the files.
Please look for it.
This is absolutely ridiculous.
You've got to
be able to find it.
So, Hogan, you were
very anxious to see me.
Something personal, you said.
Yes, sir. The entertainment
committee is planning
another show in a few weeks,
and they'd like you to
be master of ceremonies.
Perhaps do a violin solo?
What's so personal about that?
I didn't want to say anything
in front of General Burkhalter.
He might resent your talent.
That was very wise.
General Burkhalter
plays the mandolin.
And badly.
Then I can give the
entertainment committee
the green light, sir?
No, Hogan, you cannot.
Last year, my name was
in the same size and type
as Sergeant Schultz.
And all he can do is
make animal noises.
Yeah, well, look.
We'll put your
solo in the top spot,
right next to closing,
and I guarantee star billing.
I'll think about it.
You do that, sir.
And take your time.
Hello. Look at this.
General Kordle, Wehrmacht...
Beckman, SS...
Wilhelm, Panzer...
Admiral Donner...
Real brass.
Top men in the monster division.
Kinch should have
gotten all that information
off to London by now.
Carter, watch the door.
LeBEAU: Want some food?
No, just coffee.
Okay.
London had some
information on the meeting,
but didn't know the location.
It's a logistic and
supply briefing
for an all-out offensive.
They want the Kraut
generals knocked off.
By who?
By us.
LeBEAU: They must be kidding.
Come on, Colonel.
Colonel, look, we've
blown up bridges,
railway stations,
munitions plants.
I mean, we've done
a lot of dodgy things
and gotten clean away.
But, sir, knocking off
those Kraut generals?
No, sir. Too much bloody risk.
LeBEAU: That's absolute suicide.
Yeah, how come London
can't do it from the air?
Yeah, that's a good idea.
What about that, Colonel?
Colonel, I surveyed
the men in the ranks,
and the men are overwhelmingly
in favor of bombing.
From London.
The minute that meeting starts,
every flack battery in
Messerschmitt squadron
from here to the Channel
will be on a ten-second alert.
20% of an attacking
force might get through,
and that's a big maybe.
Yeah, well, our percentage
might not be that good.
That's right.
But, if we can
stop that offensive,
we might save a lot of lives.
Now, anyone who wants
to can sit this one out.
Volunteers only.
Kinch?
Okay, I'm in.
LeBeau?
Oui, d'accord, I'll go along.
It's been nice
knowing all of you.
Newkirk?
I'm still thinking about it.
Carter?
Oh, I got nothing else to do.
I finished my woodworking
class in Barracks Five.
I made a very pretty salad bowl.
Carter.
Well, there's no law against
being a coward, is there?
I'm with you, sir.
That's the best kind. Let's go.
You were just
kidding, weren't you?
All right, it's got
to be an inside job,
and the best time
is that first night
when they're all
together for the banquet.
We poison their
Wiener Schnitzel.
We got to come on
stronger than that.
We need access to the
banquet room at the hotel.
Fine, but how?
We need a man who's
experienced in catering and food.
And speaks German fluently.
We'll need him in 48 hours.
Have to arrange a drop
point, signals, the works.
Right.
Carter, I want you
to start thinking.
Well, we're dead
before we start.
We need a couple of
bombs, maybe more.
They've got to be disguised
so they look natural
in a banquet room.
And they'll need timers.
Think you can swing it?
Boy, that's a
tough one, Colonel.
A man who can make
a salad bowl? Please.
Captain Jacques
Mornay, Colonel Hogan.
Hi.
Basic Frenchman's
very emotional.
You've, uh, met
the rest of the fellas?
Yes. All right, good.
How are you?
Do the Germans,
especially the Gestapo,
have a file on you?
I don't think so, Colonel.
When a man is
in the Free French,
usually they try to get at him
through his family.
They have left mine alone.
That's very good,
because tomorrow you're
coming into Stalag 13
as a collaborator
working for the Gestapo.
Kinch, what's the setup
with the underground?
We've got a car, a driver
and a uniform... Gestapo.
The plan is to meet
the sergeant here
in two and a half hours.
They'll hide him overnight,
and then bring him into
camp tomorrow morning.
All right.
Now, Mornay, your mission
here is to prepare a banquet
for a meeting of Kraut generals.
It's on the 14th.
Newkirk. Yes, sir.
Because you're a collaborator,
here's your identity card
countersigned by the Gestapo.
Oh, it's perfect.
I have seen them.
All right. Here are
your instructions
and your authorization
to work on the banquet.
Here's a list of the generals
who will be there.
Memorize it. It
might come in handy.
Mm-hmm.
This is the most efficient
organization I've ever seen.
Thank you very much, sir.
If all the armies
were like this,
the war would soon be over.
Yeah, it'd be
great for the world,
but we'd be out of a swell job.
I figure about
four or five of these
will probably be enough.
And you can set them
right there on the table
with the other decorations
and the flower and stuff,
because I'm going to build a box
right over all these things.
And it's going to
be a flag stand, see?
That's great.
Each explosive pack is going
to have a timer just like this.
And you can adjust
it from the bottom
'cause I'm going to fix it
so it hinges on the box.
That's good. Good.
And, well, get this,
boy... I mean Colonel.
You can set this
timer for 12 hours.
Maybe even 13.
Carter, you're a genius.
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
No, I really mean it.
You're a genius.
Maybe I'd go that far.
General Burkhalter.
Heil Hitler. Klink here.
Klink, sir. Yes.
I have a man here
who was sent to
me by the Gestapo.
His name is Jacques Mornay.
His identity card
is countersigned
by Gestapo section nine.
He has orders to assist
with the dinner party,
and he knows the
names of the guests.
Now, I consider that an insult,
sending a man here
to spy on us, and I...
Yes, sir. Cooperate
with the Gestapo,
and keep my big mouth shut.
Yes, sir. Heil Hitler.
Sergeant Schultz,
see to it that Monsieur Mornay
has adequate quarters
and all the assistance he needs.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
It will be done.
Merci beaucoup, Colonel.
Excuse me, Commandant.
May I have a word with you?
Hogan, why is it,
every time I am busy,
you manage to show up?
I don't know. Just
lucky, I guess.
Our business is finished
for the moment, Colonel.
Or... one more thing.
I would require the
services of a good chef.
Yes! I was going to
suggest Corporal Hinkelman.
He cooks for the officers' mess.
Hinkelman is wonderful!
He makes the best pigs' feet.
He chops them up,
and then he puts a little
paprika on, a little salt,
and a little bit of bay leaf,
and then he sautés it...
And it still tastes
like pigs' feet.
What we need is
a very good chef.
Now, the problem
is where to find one.
Let me think.
I don't care what you say,
I'm not going to do it.
You won't? No. And that's final!
What are you two mumbling about?
Oh, he wants me to
ask Corporal LeBeau
to cook for you. I do?
If you think he's going
to slave over a hot
stove for the enemy...
That's enough, Hogan.
Um... your
entertainment committee
wants me to be the master
of ceremonies for their show?
And do a violin solo, sir.
I will consent if
your man LeBeau
will work with Monsieur Mornay.
It's hard to refuse.
And, if he agrees,
I must have your word
there will be no
attempt at an escape.
Oh... I'll do it.
I'll go talk to LeBeau.
I think I can talk him into it.
He loves violin solos.
You see?
When one knows how,
there's always a way to
solve these little problems.
Bonjour, Colonel.
Right on time, Mornay.
Have some coffee? Merci.
What's the story?
Well, I was taken to the hotel
by your Colonel Klink.
He showed me the banquet
room and the kitchen.
I have made a rough sketch.
And the menu for the dinner.
Good.
All set, Colonel.
Newkirk, watch the door, huh?
I got five of them.
Table decorations...
The kind that explode.
Oh, magnifique.
Carter showed me how
to set the timers, Colonel.
Tomorrow, LeBeau
and I will go to the hotel
at 9:00 in the morning.
First, we set the table,
then we go to the kitchen
and prepare the dinner.
Mm-hmm.
The timers will
work for 12 hours,
so LeBeau can set 'em
whenever he wants to.
Let's have a look at the
floor plans again, huh?
Uh! It's kind of
sensitive stuff.
Sorry.
May I show you
the layouts, Colonel?
Go ahead.
The hall outside
the banquet room.
And the room itself
with a long table, the bar,
and on this side is a
dumbwaiter leading
to the kitchen on
the floor below.
All the food has to
come up the dumbwaiter?
Oui. And served from here.
Kraut's coming. Watch it.
Scatter.
Achtung!
At ease.
Oh, what a pleasant
surprise... Our commandant.
Monsieur Mornay, you were
seen leaving your quarters.
Just a few details in the menu.
The barracks are off
limits to all civilians.
Now, you finish
your business here
and then return to your room.
Oui, at once.
Flags for the banquet
table, Colonel.
I brought them
with me from Berlin.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Seems quite heavy.
We made it that way.
We, we don't want them
to tip over into the salad.
Yeah, you wouldn't want
mayonnaise on your swastika.
Mayonnaise?
Herr Kommandant, there is
no mayonnaise on the menu.
Silence! Oh, shut up.
Dismissed.
This room will be sealed
off until 7:30 tonight.
Double all security orders.
The guests will arrive at 7:30.
Cocktails first.
Banquet starts at 8:30.
You will remain in the
kitchen until that time.
Oui, Colonel.
I received a call from Berlin.
There is an additional
guest coming...
A General Felix
Mercer. That's all.
We need a few more pots
and pans in the kitchen.
Oh, yes. I almost forgot.
Uh, Colonel, please,
may I go back to the camp
for more pots and pans?
You arrange it, Schultz.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Now, back to camp! March!
One, two, three, four...
"Felix Mercer, top allied agent.
Reports to British
Intelligence."
According to this,
he's a VIP in the
spy department.
More good news, Colonel.
"Urgent, repeat, urgent.
No harm to Mercer.
Protect at all
cost. Cancel plan."
We got a peck of trouble.
We could stop the timers
when Klink lets us back
into the banquet room.
We can't take the chance.
Look, tell Klink
you need more help
in the kitchen; more waiters.
I'll go back to
the hotel with you.
We'll take Carter,
the munitions king.
Yes, he could disarm the bombs.
If we get the chance.
There's the hall and the door.
Dumbwaiter.
Carter, get in there.
Good.
Get your feet in.
I can't!
That's as far as I can go!
Get out.
LeBeau?
Sorry, Colonel.
Yeah?
Can you stop those timers?
I think so, Colonel.
Try. Okay.
Okay?
Yeah. Go.
Good luck. Have a nice trip.
Thank you.
Bonjour. Just testing.
Don't play the jack.
He's saving them.
I am so very happy you
could join us, General Mercer.
And so am I.
Thank you.
I don't think I heard
your name correctly.
Klink, sir. Colonel
Wilhelm Klink.
In charge of security.
A cohost.
You might say. I would not.
No. Oh, General,
your glass is empty.
Mornay, another drink
for the General, please.
Ah. Your drink, sir.
Merci, bien.
Oh, the General speaks French.
Oui, General.
In exactly 17 minutes, that
room takes off for the moon.
Pull those bombs out of there.
Use any excuse.
Colonel, Mercer speaks French.
I can get him alone,
explain what we are doing...
By now, he's been told
you're a Gestapo collaborator.
Would he believe you?
All right, I'll do what I can.
Wait a minute. Hold it.
You say Mercer speaks French?
Yes.
That may be it.
Go back in and tell
Klink to start the dinner.
The food's ready... anything.
Get them seated and then
come back out here fast.
All right, sir.
Gentlemen, your
attention, please.
I have just been informed
that dinner is served.
Will you take your
places, please?
Thank you.
Please follow me,
General Mercer.
I want you to start an
argument real loud in French.
Now, keep it going.
Don't let anybody stop
you but Mercer. Go.
Right.
Each of you will receive
a complete set of flags
indicating supply depots...
and the routes the
convoys will use
to the various forces.
These plans are not
to leave this room.
I repeat, are not
to leave this room.
I know. I know.
I'll handle it, sir.
What is going on here?!
Stop that noise at once!
I'm trying to, sir!
Schultz, break it up!
You break it up, you
won't have a banquet!
What's going on?! They
can't hear me in there!
They're having
a fight in French!
Klink, arrest this man!
If I do, there'll be no banquet.
Can anyone speak to
them in their own language?
That's a good idea.
Break it up!
Can anyone speak French?
Get General Mercer.
General Mercer.
Stop it!
General, there's
some trouble here.
Speak to these men in French!
Make them stop!
Shh!
Orders from London
to get you out, General.
Those centerpieces in there
are loaded with explosives.
That whole room
goes up in ten minutes.
Then you've got to stop it.
Those plans are much more
important than any general.
They show every
supply depot in France.
They just issued us
with a complete set.
It's going to be close.
All right, look.
Give me a few
minutes head start.
Go back and expose the
bombs and clear the room.
All right. What about the plan?
Make sure you're
the last one out.
Close the door, leave
your set on the table.
Right.
All right, back to the kitchen.
Now, look, someone's got
to go up that dumbwaiter
and get the plans off the table
before the bomb goes off.
Someone? Someone?
My point is that they don't
give enough consideration...
I wish I was six-feet tall.
Now, look, you got
less than five minutes,
so if anything goes
wrong, forget the plans
and come back down.
And if Carter's bombs
go off one second early,
I'll never speak to him again.
All right.
All right, Mornay, the car will
be waiting out back for you.
As soon as the plans
come down, you take off.
When they should
be looking at plans,
they are looking at...
What I simply want
to say is you cannot...
Achtung!
These decorations are bombs!
Everybody leave at once!
Any second now.
All right.
Good luck. Get going.
Thank you.
Carter, I'll never
talk to you again.
What's the matter?
The bombs were one minute late.
Thank you for your
information. Heil Hitler.
That was General Burkhalter.
He discovered that Mornay
was not authorized
by the Gestapo.
He was a fake. A saboteur.
I realized it the moment
I laid eyes on him.
We will find this Mornay.
Oh, Hogan, I'm going
to be extremely busy
for the next few weeks.
I'm afraid I cannot
rehearse your show.
What a pity.
"Stalag 13 Presents
"'Escapes of 1943'
"Starring Col. Wilhelm Klink
and his violin."
Beautiful!
I, uh, might just
have a little time
for your show.
After all, morale
is important, too.
Hambone.
He plays the violin, there
will be a mass escape.
Every prisoner is
going to go over the wall.
Well...
No show!
No show.
I couldn't stand being
alone in Stalag 13.
highly secret meeting.
I understand,
General Burkhalter.
I doubt it.
Staff officers,
generals, admirals
from every branch of the
forces will attend this meeting.
Strategy meeting?
What for?
They've been doing okay.
Generals have to keep busy
while everyone else is fighting.
Hammelburg has been chosen
because of its
proximity to Stalag 13.
Very good planning,
General Burkhalter.
Klink, shut up and listen.
Yes, sir. Shut up and listen.
The conference will
begin on the 15th.
The night before, on the 14th,
you will arrange a
dinner party... a banquet...
Just to start things off on
a friendly basis with, uh,
plenty of Gemutlichkeit.
Exactly as I would have done it.
Really?
We'll go ahead with it anyway.
I shall make all
the arrangements...
The banquet,
security, everything.
I will be at Berchtesgaden,
so the entire affair
is your responsibility.
I need the cooperation
of everyone
connected with this conference.
We'll cooperate, won't we?
I knew I could count on you.
Here are the
names of the officers
who will attend this meeting.
For your eyes only.
Yes, sir.
Memorize it and destroy it.
The finest military minds
in all of the Third Reich.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
General Kordle...
Very impressive list.
It doesn't have the name
"Colonel Klink" in there.
Probably an oversight
at headquarters.
I consider it the
perfect oversight.
Kinch, I'll need a
camera right away. Right.
I also need five minutes
in Klink's office, alone.
Oh, sure.
Come on, fellas,
just follow my lead.
We got to stall
them a little bit.
What do you want us to do?
Pick up some dusters
and rags. Let's go.
Colonel. Colonel.
May I talk to you a moment?
Not now, Hogan. Can't you see
I'm busy with the general?
Sorry, sir. It's personal.
Wait for me in my
office. Thank you, sir.
All right, make it shine.
What's the matter with you?!
Are you crazy?
Just a moment!
What is the meaning of this?
It's pride, sir.
You can't expect the general
to return to Berlin
from Stalag 13
with a dirty car.
Get them out of here.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
No, no. Let them finish.
Small matter.
Yes, sir. Proceed.
Sir, I must apologize,
but sometimes they
act like little children.
Right, but we've got the most
wonderful daddy
in the whole world.
I have no idea where it is.
It's probably
somewhere in the files.
Please look for it.
This is absolutely ridiculous.
You've got to
be able to find it.
So, Hogan, you were
very anxious to see me.
Something personal, you said.
Yes, sir. The entertainment
committee is planning
another show in a few weeks,
and they'd like you to
be master of ceremonies.
Perhaps do a violin solo?
What's so personal about that?
I didn't want to say anything
in front of General Burkhalter.
He might resent your talent.
That was very wise.
General Burkhalter
plays the mandolin.
And badly.
Then I can give the
entertainment committee
the green light, sir?
No, Hogan, you cannot.
Last year, my name was
in the same size and type
as Sergeant Schultz.
And all he can do is
make animal noises.
Yeah, well, look.
We'll put your
solo in the top spot,
right next to closing,
and I guarantee star billing.
I'll think about it.
You do that, sir.
And take your time.
Hello. Look at this.
General Kordle, Wehrmacht...
Beckman, SS...
Wilhelm, Panzer...
Admiral Donner...
Real brass.
Top men in the monster division.
Kinch should have
gotten all that information
off to London by now.
Carter, watch the door.
LeBEAU: Want some food?
No, just coffee.
Okay.
London had some
information on the meeting,
but didn't know the location.
It's a logistic and
supply briefing
for an all-out offensive.
They want the Kraut
generals knocked off.
By who?
By us.
LeBEAU: They must be kidding.
Come on, Colonel.
Colonel, look, we've
blown up bridges,
railway stations,
munitions plants.
I mean, we've done
a lot of dodgy things
and gotten clean away.
But, sir, knocking off
those Kraut generals?
No, sir. Too much bloody risk.
LeBEAU: That's absolute suicide.
Yeah, how come London
can't do it from the air?
Yeah, that's a good idea.
What about that, Colonel?
Colonel, I surveyed
the men in the ranks,
and the men are overwhelmingly
in favor of bombing.
From London.
The minute that meeting starts,
every flack battery in
Messerschmitt squadron
from here to the Channel
will be on a ten-second alert.
20% of an attacking
force might get through,
and that's a big maybe.
Yeah, well, our percentage
might not be that good.
That's right.
But, if we can
stop that offensive,
we might save a lot of lives.
Now, anyone who wants
to can sit this one out.
Volunteers only.
Kinch?
Okay, I'm in.
LeBeau?
Oui, d'accord, I'll go along.
It's been nice
knowing all of you.
Newkirk?
I'm still thinking about it.
Carter?
Oh, I got nothing else to do.
I finished my woodworking
class in Barracks Five.
I made a very pretty salad bowl.
Carter.
Well, there's no law against
being a coward, is there?
I'm with you, sir.
That's the best kind. Let's go.
You were just
kidding, weren't you?
All right, it's got
to be an inside job,
and the best time
is that first night
when they're all
together for the banquet.
We poison their
Wiener Schnitzel.
We got to come on
stronger than that.
We need access to the
banquet room at the hotel.
Fine, but how?
We need a man who's
experienced in catering and food.
And speaks German fluently.
We'll need him in 48 hours.
Have to arrange a drop
point, signals, the works.
Right.
Carter, I want you
to start thinking.
Well, we're dead
before we start.
We need a couple of
bombs, maybe more.
They've got to be disguised
so they look natural
in a banquet room.
And they'll need timers.
Think you can swing it?
Boy, that's a
tough one, Colonel.
A man who can make
a salad bowl? Please.
Captain Jacques
Mornay, Colonel Hogan.
Hi.
Basic Frenchman's
very emotional.
You've, uh, met
the rest of the fellas?
Yes. All right, good.
How are you?
Do the Germans,
especially the Gestapo,
have a file on you?
I don't think so, Colonel.
When a man is
in the Free French,
usually they try to get at him
through his family.
They have left mine alone.
That's very good,
because tomorrow you're
coming into Stalag 13
as a collaborator
working for the Gestapo.
Kinch, what's the setup
with the underground?
We've got a car, a driver
and a uniform... Gestapo.
The plan is to meet
the sergeant here
in two and a half hours.
They'll hide him overnight,
and then bring him into
camp tomorrow morning.
All right.
Now, Mornay, your mission
here is to prepare a banquet
for a meeting of Kraut generals.
It's on the 14th.
Newkirk. Yes, sir.
Because you're a collaborator,
here's your identity card
countersigned by the Gestapo.
Oh, it's perfect.
I have seen them.
All right. Here are
your instructions
and your authorization
to work on the banquet.
Here's a list of the generals
who will be there.
Memorize it. It
might come in handy.
Mm-hmm.
This is the most efficient
organization I've ever seen.
Thank you very much, sir.
If all the armies
were like this,
the war would soon be over.
Yeah, it'd be
great for the world,
but we'd be out of a swell job.
I figure about
four or five of these
will probably be enough.
And you can set them
right there on the table
with the other decorations
and the flower and stuff,
because I'm going to build a box
right over all these things.
And it's going to
be a flag stand, see?
That's great.
Each explosive pack is going
to have a timer just like this.
And you can adjust
it from the bottom
'cause I'm going to fix it
so it hinges on the box.
That's good. Good.
And, well, get this,
boy... I mean Colonel.
You can set this
timer for 12 hours.
Maybe even 13.
Carter, you're a genius.
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
No, I really mean it.
You're a genius.
Maybe I'd go that far.
General Burkhalter.
Heil Hitler. Klink here.
Klink, sir. Yes.
I have a man here
who was sent to
me by the Gestapo.
His name is Jacques Mornay.
His identity card
is countersigned
by Gestapo section nine.
He has orders to assist
with the dinner party,
and he knows the
names of the guests.
Now, I consider that an insult,
sending a man here
to spy on us, and I...
Yes, sir. Cooperate
with the Gestapo,
and keep my big mouth shut.
Yes, sir. Heil Hitler.
Sergeant Schultz,
see to it that Monsieur Mornay
has adequate quarters
and all the assistance he needs.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
It will be done.
Merci beaucoup, Colonel.
Excuse me, Commandant.
May I have a word with you?
Hogan, why is it,
every time I am busy,
you manage to show up?
I don't know. Just
lucky, I guess.
Our business is finished
for the moment, Colonel.
Or... one more thing.
I would require the
services of a good chef.
Yes! I was going to
suggest Corporal Hinkelman.
He cooks for the officers' mess.
Hinkelman is wonderful!
He makes the best pigs' feet.
He chops them up,
and then he puts a little
paprika on, a little salt,
and a little bit of bay leaf,
and then he sautés it...
And it still tastes
like pigs' feet.
What we need is
a very good chef.
Now, the problem
is where to find one.
Let me think.
I don't care what you say,
I'm not going to do it.
You won't? No. And that's final!
What are you two mumbling about?
Oh, he wants me to
ask Corporal LeBeau
to cook for you. I do?
If you think he's going
to slave over a hot
stove for the enemy...
That's enough, Hogan.
Um... your
entertainment committee
wants me to be the master
of ceremonies for their show?
And do a violin solo, sir.
I will consent if
your man LeBeau
will work with Monsieur Mornay.
It's hard to refuse.
And, if he agrees,
I must have your word
there will be no
attempt at an escape.
Oh... I'll do it.
I'll go talk to LeBeau.
I think I can talk him into it.
He loves violin solos.
You see?
When one knows how,
there's always a way to
solve these little problems.
Bonjour, Colonel.
Right on time, Mornay.
Have some coffee? Merci.
What's the story?
Well, I was taken to the hotel
by your Colonel Klink.
He showed me the banquet
room and the kitchen.
I have made a rough sketch.
And the menu for the dinner.
Good.
All set, Colonel.
Newkirk, watch the door, huh?
I got five of them.
Table decorations...
The kind that explode.
Oh, magnifique.
Carter showed me how
to set the timers, Colonel.
Tomorrow, LeBeau
and I will go to the hotel
at 9:00 in the morning.
First, we set the table,
then we go to the kitchen
and prepare the dinner.
Mm-hmm.
The timers will
work for 12 hours,
so LeBeau can set 'em
whenever he wants to.
Let's have a look at the
floor plans again, huh?
Uh! It's kind of
sensitive stuff.
Sorry.
May I show you
the layouts, Colonel?
Go ahead.
The hall outside
the banquet room.
And the room itself
with a long table, the bar,
and on this side is a
dumbwaiter leading
to the kitchen on
the floor below.
All the food has to
come up the dumbwaiter?
Oui. And served from here.
Kraut's coming. Watch it.
Scatter.
Achtung!
At ease.
Oh, what a pleasant
surprise... Our commandant.
Monsieur Mornay, you were
seen leaving your quarters.
Just a few details in the menu.
The barracks are off
limits to all civilians.
Now, you finish
your business here
and then return to your room.
Oui, at once.
Flags for the banquet
table, Colonel.
I brought them
with me from Berlin.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Seems quite heavy.
We made it that way.
We, we don't want them
to tip over into the salad.
Yeah, you wouldn't want
mayonnaise on your swastika.
Mayonnaise?
Herr Kommandant, there is
no mayonnaise on the menu.
Silence! Oh, shut up.
Dismissed.
This room will be sealed
off until 7:30 tonight.
Double all security orders.
The guests will arrive at 7:30.
Cocktails first.
Banquet starts at 8:30.
You will remain in the
kitchen until that time.
Oui, Colonel.
I received a call from Berlin.
There is an additional
guest coming...
A General Felix
Mercer. That's all.
We need a few more pots
and pans in the kitchen.
Oh, yes. I almost forgot.
Uh, Colonel, please,
may I go back to the camp
for more pots and pans?
You arrange it, Schultz.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Now, back to camp! March!
One, two, three, four...
"Felix Mercer, top allied agent.
Reports to British
Intelligence."
According to this,
he's a VIP in the
spy department.
More good news, Colonel.
"Urgent, repeat, urgent.
No harm to Mercer.
Protect at all
cost. Cancel plan."
We got a peck of trouble.
We could stop the timers
when Klink lets us back
into the banquet room.
We can't take the chance.
Look, tell Klink
you need more help
in the kitchen; more waiters.
I'll go back to
the hotel with you.
We'll take Carter,
the munitions king.
Yes, he could disarm the bombs.
If we get the chance.
There's the hall and the door.
Dumbwaiter.
Carter, get in there.
Good.
Get your feet in.
I can't!
That's as far as I can go!
Get out.
LeBeau?
Sorry, Colonel.
Yeah?
Can you stop those timers?
I think so, Colonel.
Try. Okay.
Okay?
Yeah. Go.
Good luck. Have a nice trip.
Thank you.
Bonjour. Just testing.
Don't play the jack.
He's saving them.
I am so very happy you
could join us, General Mercer.
And so am I.
Thank you.
I don't think I heard
your name correctly.
Klink, sir. Colonel
Wilhelm Klink.
In charge of security.
A cohost.
You might say. I would not.
No. Oh, General,
your glass is empty.
Mornay, another drink
for the General, please.
Ah. Your drink, sir.
Merci, bien.
Oh, the General speaks French.
Oui, General.
In exactly 17 minutes, that
room takes off for the moon.
Pull those bombs out of there.
Use any excuse.
Colonel, Mercer speaks French.
I can get him alone,
explain what we are doing...
By now, he's been told
you're a Gestapo collaborator.
Would he believe you?
All right, I'll do what I can.
Wait a minute. Hold it.
You say Mercer speaks French?
Yes.
That may be it.
Go back in and tell
Klink to start the dinner.
The food's ready... anything.
Get them seated and then
come back out here fast.
All right, sir.
Gentlemen, your
attention, please.
I have just been informed
that dinner is served.
Will you take your
places, please?
Thank you.
Please follow me,
General Mercer.
I want you to start an
argument real loud in French.
Now, keep it going.
Don't let anybody stop
you but Mercer. Go.
Right.
Each of you will receive
a complete set of flags
indicating supply depots...
and the routes the
convoys will use
to the various forces.
These plans are not
to leave this room.
I repeat, are not
to leave this room.
I know. I know.
I'll handle it, sir.
What is going on here?!
Stop that noise at once!
I'm trying to, sir!
Schultz, break it up!
You break it up, you
won't have a banquet!
What's going on?! They
can't hear me in there!
They're having
a fight in French!
Klink, arrest this man!
If I do, there'll be no banquet.
Can anyone speak to
them in their own language?
That's a good idea.
Break it up!
Can anyone speak French?
Get General Mercer.
General Mercer.
Stop it!
General, there's
some trouble here.
Speak to these men in French!
Make them stop!
Shh!
Orders from London
to get you out, General.
Those centerpieces in there
are loaded with explosives.
That whole room
goes up in ten minutes.
Then you've got to stop it.
Those plans are much more
important than any general.
They show every
supply depot in France.
They just issued us
with a complete set.
It's going to be close.
All right, look.
Give me a few
minutes head start.
Go back and expose the
bombs and clear the room.
All right. What about the plan?
Make sure you're
the last one out.
Close the door, leave
your set on the table.
Right.
All right, back to the kitchen.
Now, look, someone's got
to go up that dumbwaiter
and get the plans off the table
before the bomb goes off.
Someone? Someone?
My point is that they don't
give enough consideration...
I wish I was six-feet tall.
Now, look, you got
less than five minutes,
so if anything goes
wrong, forget the plans
and come back down.
And if Carter's bombs
go off one second early,
I'll never speak to him again.
All right.
All right, Mornay, the car will
be waiting out back for you.
As soon as the plans
come down, you take off.
When they should
be looking at plans,
they are looking at...
What I simply want
to say is you cannot...
Achtung!
These decorations are bombs!
Everybody leave at once!
Any second now.
All right.
Good luck. Get going.
Thank you.
Carter, I'll never
talk to you again.
What's the matter?
The bombs were one minute late.
Thank you for your
information. Heil Hitler.
That was General Burkhalter.
He discovered that Mornay
was not authorized
by the Gestapo.
He was a fake. A saboteur.
I realized it the moment
I laid eyes on him.
We will find this Mornay.
Oh, Hogan, I'm going
to be extremely busy
for the next few weeks.
I'm afraid I cannot
rehearse your show.
What a pity.
"Stalag 13 Presents
"'Escapes of 1943'
"Starring Col. Wilhelm Klink
and his violin."
Beautiful!
I, uh, might just
have a little time
for your show.
After all, morale
is important, too.
Hambone.
He plays the violin, there
will be a mass escape.
Every prisoner is
going to go over the wall.
Well...
No show!
No show.
I couldn't stand being
alone in Stalag 13.