Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 14 - Everybody Loves a Snowman - full transcript

There's a bit of luck for ya.

The bloody snow is covering
up the entrance to the tunnel.

Well, I know it's
around here someplace.

What's he looking for?

A tree stump.

Now, don't tell me.

He's gonna hide
nuts in there for winter.

We go down
through it to a tunnel.

Where's the tunnel lead to?

Well?

I could have sworn this was it.



Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Clumsy oaf.

I couldn't help it.

I tripped over this tree stump.

Come on!

Tree stump? Tree stump?

Tree stump. Come on.

Beautiful.

Wunderbar. Go on, go on.

All right, now keep moving.

Just keep moving

and wait down there
when you get down there.



Keep moving along. Hurry up.

All right, now, Carter,
you get down there.

All I need, mate, is to come
looking for you in a blizzard.

Go on.

They're coming down
the tunnel now, Colonel.

The underground says those
guys bailed out three days ago.

They must be frozen.

I will give them
some of my brandy.

That should warm them up.

Yeah, and if they got frostbite,

they can pour it on their feet.

Let's go, Carter.

Yeah. Hey.

Welcome to Stalag
13. I'm Colonel Hogan.

Captain Morgan. Stalag
13? You got to be kidding.

We're in a prisoner-of-war camp!

Here's some brandy.

Oh, I'm sorry!

That's all right.

It's the first time my foot's
been warm in three days.

Here, Captain. Thank you.

Now I know why the underground

didn't tell us where
we were going.

The less you know, the less
you talk if you're captured.

Well, I know the Germans
are out to take prisoners,

but I never knew you fellas
were in business for yourselves.

Let's just say we've
eliminated the middleman.

We'll keep you
here till the heat's off,

then outfit you and get
you some new papers.

It's our job to get
you out of here.

I hope you're as good at
getting us out as getting us in.

Don't worry, Captain.

You and your men will be back

on flying duty within a week.

Colonel, there's a
squad of Gestapo

going into Klink's office,

and they got axes
and picks and shovels.

What's that mean, Colonel?

I don't know. Kinch,
get out the coffee pot.

Right.

How can you take a coffee
break at a time like this?

You got a better
way of listening in

on the Commandant's office?

Ah! Major Hochstetter.
Come in, come in.

Always nice to see
your smiling face.

He only smiles at train wrecks.

Who's Hochstetter?

Gestapo.

Are you here on
military business,

or is this a social call?

I don't pay anybody
a social call.

I wish he hadn't said that.

Klink can't stand rejection.

What can I do for
you, Major Hochstetter?

Are you aware that,
last Monday night,

an American plane dropped a
bomb on Gestapo headquarters?

Demolished the building,
wiped out the garrison,

killed Kommandant Hedrick,

knocked the Fuhrer's
picture off the wall

and everything.

No, sir. I was playing pinochle
with Captain Broomschmeel.

It was a great
personal loss to me.

It was a great
personal loss to me.

He took me for 50 marks.

But our antiaircraft
shut down the bomber.

That's good.

But the crew
parachuted to safety.

Oh, that's bad.

But we know where
they are hiding.

That's good. Where? Here.

Impossible.

Impossible. We shall see.

I'm ordering my men to
search every inch of this camp.

Sir, I am commandant
of Stalag 13.

That is exactly why I
am ordering the search.

Major Hochstetter,
may I remind you

that my record
here is impeccable.

No enemy soldier has
ever gotten out of Stalag 13.

But how is your record

on enemy soldiers
getting into Stalag 13?

What are you driving at?

We have searched this area,

and we have come
to the conclusion

that those flyers might
very well be hiding

in this very camp.

Are you suggesting
these men are here?

Exactly.

But why would an enemy soldier

trying to escape hide in
a prisoner of war camp?

I've been trying to
figure that one out myself.

They might very well hide
here until the search is over

and then make their escape.

Not in Stalag 13.

I am taking no chances.

I'm ordering my men
to search every barracks

for anything suspicious,
especially tunnels.

What are you doing, Klink?!

I am calling General Burkhalter.

I will not allow the Gestapo
to take over my camp.

Here is General Burkhalter's
written permission.

Make yourself at
home, Major Hochstetter.

My camp is your camp.

The general has given me
48 hours to find the Americans.

Why are you in such a
hurry? Take your time.

I never knew Klink was so tough.

He stood up to the Gestapo

for almost 30 seconds. Shh.

And then we'll begin the
search with Barracks 1.

What do we do now, Colonel?

I don't know.

Well, I got an idea.

Why don't we go
back down the tunnel,

come up through the stump,
contact the underground,

and punch them all in the mouth?

Bad idea, Captain.

Sure, you guys
got nothing to lose,

but if they catch us,
it's good-bye, Charlie.

I know one thing, Colonel.

We're not going to wait around,

waiting for the
Gestapo to nail us.

Kinch?

Yes, sir.

Take them down to the
tunnel. Right, Colonel.

Now you're talking
sense, Colonel.

But you're not going out.

Why not?

Because the whole
area is lousy with Krauts.

They'd find you in a minute.

Well, what do we do when the
Gestapo finds us in the tunnel?

Tell them we're on
a three-day pass?

They're not going to find you.

Sure?

Cross my heart,

'cause we're going to
dig a whole new tunnel

for them to find.

All right, men,
down in the tunnel.

LeBeau? Newkirk?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Start digging a tunnel
under the sink, huh?

Yeah. Right.

Here they come.

I like their timing.

LeBEAU: Carter,
help me with the sink.

Yeah.

All set, Colonel.

Good. Newkirk,
you know what to do.

Right, sir.

Everybody line up for roll call!

Well, what a pleasant surprise.

I don't think it will be so
pleasant for you, Colonel Hogan.

Ah, Major Hochstetter,
always a pleasure

to see your smiling face.

Uh, did you come
on military business,

or is this a social call?

What is it at your camp, Klink?

Everybody thinks
I'm a social butterfly.

Never mind the social
amenities, Hogan.

Major Hochstetter is here
to inspect the barracks.

Oh, go right ahead.

It's humble, but it is home.

You'll have to
excuse the mess, sir.

The cleaning woman
doesn't come till Thursday.

Why are you hiding the hand?

What hand?

The hand in that pocket.

What pocket, sir?

That pocket!

Oh, well, it's very
cold in here, sir.

Then why don't you have
both hands in the pocket?

Both...

Oh, I forgot I had
two hands, sir.

Thank you very much.

Why do you have fresh
dirt under the fingernails?

Sir, have you ever tried
to get an appointment

for a manicure here?

It is murder.

Look at my nails.

I haven't had a
manicure in weeks.

There you are, sir.

Newkirk, where's the tunnel?

Tunnel, sir? What tunnel?

Why did you kick
dirt under the sink?

Because cleanliness
is next to godliness.

And a clean barracks
is a happy barracks.

And a happy barracks
is a happy prison camp.

And a happy prison camp is...

Silence!

I think I found the tunnel.

Schultz, don't push. Pull!

Just as I thought.

We kept our eyes on
this barracks for weeks.

Right, Schultz?

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

I seemed to have
discovered an escape attempt

before it got very far.

Well, sir, we were planning

to let them dig
just a little more

before we crushed them.

You will have this
tunnel filled with cement,

and severe disciplinary
action will be taken.

Yes, sir. Yes,
Major Hochstetter.

Colonel Hogan, you and your men

are restricted to the
barracks until further notice.

I'll see you later.

We will keep
searching for our friends.

Colonel Hogan, in
the middle of a war.

Shame on you.

The phony tunnel was magnifique.

Carter, watch the door.

Come on up, fellas.

Come on in, gentlemen.

There you go, fellas.

Give you wine next time.

All right, look.

We'll wait till the Gestapo
has cemented the tunnel.

When they leave, you leave.

Okay.

Mayday, Colonel. Here
comes Schultz! Come on!

All back in the tunnel!

Come on, now. It's stuck.

All right, forget it.
Everybody, go run for cover!

LeBEAU: Hurry, under here!

Quick, get over here.
Come on, make it fast.

Hurry up.

Oh, Colonel Hogan,
prepare the men

to move to another barracks.

Oh, come on, Schultz.

We just finished
redecorating this place.

Those are my orders.

Everybody pack and
move in ten minutes.

What now, Colonel Hogan?

You'll go with us.

We can't take any chances

with the Gestapo
working in this barracks.

The snow's coming
down pretty heavy now, sir.

That should cover the move.

Well, what about the tunnel?

Captain, in this camp,
there are 20 barracks.

We have a connecting
tunnel to all but one.

Which one's that?

Barracks 4.

But the odds are 20 to one
they won't move us into that.

Colonel, if you ever
get out of this camp

and go back to civilian life,

don't try to make
your living as a bookie.

You've been looking out that
window for an hour, Colonel.

Trying to figure a new plan

to get you guys
out of this camp.

Well, maybe Santa
Claus will drive by,

and we can escape in his sleigh.

Colonel Hogan, can we go out

and play in the snow?

Why don't we all go out
and play in the snow?

Maybe the Gestapo
has skis for rent.

Hey, I don't know how to ski,

but I know how to
make a snowman.

Not a bad idea, Carter.

Oh, wait a minute, Colonel.

We're not going to
sit around waiting

while you and your
men build a snowman.

This snowman
you're going to like.

I'll talk Sergeant Schultz into
letting us build a snowman.

All right, men, follow me.

Where you going, Captain?

We're going to
make a break for it.

I wouldn't do that if
I were you, Captain.

We're not going to sit
around waiting to be shot

while Hogan's
building a snowman.

If he wants to build one,

he's got a good reason for it.

Of course he has.

He's stir crazy!

Now, I'm ordering you to
stand away from the door.

There are five of
us and four of you.

Now it's even... five and five.

What's going on?

We're going to
make a break for it.

Not until we build a snowman.

Colonel, I don't care if
you are the ranking officer...

And a tunnel underneath it.

Schultz, why are these pris...

Why are these prisoners
building a snowman?

Colonel Hogan requested it

in place of exercises.

Build a snowman
in freezing weather?

And they wonder why
they're losing the war.

Okay, Carter, up it comes.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, I've got to have a rest
before I go out there again.

Oh, me, too.

Boy, I'm going to
tell you, I'm bushed.

Will you stop complaining?

Well, listen, that's hard work.

Is this all you guys
have got done?

You think it's easy wrapping
a handful of dirt with snow?

And I'm saving this one just
for you for a snowball fight.

How you doing, Newkirk?

Won't be long now, Captain.

We should be connecting up

with the other tunnel
in about an hour.

Oh!

Oh, not another
inspection, Schultz.

Ooh! It's freezing cold outside!

Ahh! I just came in
to have a little coffee

from my little friend LeBeau.

All of a sudden, I'm
his little friend LeBeau.

Oh, you all must be crazy...

Standing outside in the cold,

making that silly snowman.

Ah!

Something wrong, Schultz?

Why are you so warm, Carter?

Warm?

You're perspiring,

and you were
outside in the cold.

It must be these barracks.

Gor, it's like a ruddy
steam bath in here.

You think it's warm in here?

Warm? Oh, it's
nearly 100 degrees.

Hey, Carter, put the fire out.

Oh, that's a great
idea, Newkirk.

What? What are you doing?

It's as hot as it
can be in here.

I just want to cool
the room off, Schultz.

Oh, Colonel Hogan,
please, tell Carter

to leave the fire alone.

What are you talking
about, Schultz?

We were just trying
to explain to Schultz

that the reason
we're all perspiring

is because it's so warm in here.

Oh, yeah. That's right, Schultz.

And don't think Klink isn't
going to hear about this.

Colonel Hogan, please!

Please, Colonel Hogan!

Schultz, It's against
the Geneva Convention

to make prisoners sweat.

Ahh! Ohh!

That's really refreshing.

Colonel Hogan,

if you all are all so warm,

how come that
I'm still freezing?

Ahh...

Why don't you put
yourself on sick call

and find out, Schultz?

I think you're right.

I'm still cold.

Oh!

Colonel...

bloody insanity.

Ooh!

Ooh! Hilda, I...

Oh, here you are.

Hilda, is the
commandant in his office?

He is busy with
Major Hochstetter.

Oh, Hilda, I have to see him.

It's an emergency.

What's the matter?

I'm sick, Hilda.

How do you know you're sick?

Because I'm cold.

Who isn't cold?

It's freezing outside.

But you don't understand, Hilda.

Everybody else is warm.

I'm not warm.

Oh, please, Herr Kommandant...

Schultz, what are
you doing here?

I have to report I have
to go to the hospital.

The hospital?

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

I'm going to be in the
hospital two or three weeks,

then four or five
months in a rest camp,

and then a 30-day furlough.

I'll be back in, uh...
sometime in August.

And all planned, Schultz.

Yes, Herr Major.

I understand it
takes a long time

to recover from pneumonia.

No. What makes you sure

that you have
pneumonia, Schultz?

Because I'm cold.

Of course you're cold, Dummkopf.

It's snowing outside!

Yes, but I'm also cold

when I'm inside.

We're all cold inside!

Yeah, but, uh...

Herr Major,

when I left the
prisoners' barracks,

they were sitting around
with their shirts off, sweating,

and the windows open.

Klink,

the prisoners have
heat in the barracks?

Perhaps they're smuggling
it in, Major Hochstetter.

Aah!

I'm glad you're here, sir.

We'd like to
requisition some gloves.

Our hands are frozen.

Request denied.

It was your idea
to build a snowman.

My hands are frostbitten, sir,

and I haven't even been outside.

I thought you were all
sitting around perspiring

with the windows open.

Who said that?

Schultz!

He's a sick man, Colonel.

He said he saw it
with his own eyes.

Eh, snow blindness.

Snow blindness?

Yes, yes. It's like being
out in the desert, sir.

I mean, after you're in
the snow long enough,

you start seeing mirages.

If he continues
to act so peculiar,

he will be seeing
the Russian front,

and that will be no mirage.

Here you go...
right down inside.

Have a good evening, eh?

Right down there.

Take it easy.

Schultz.

Then you do it, Carter!

Well, okay, I'd
be glad to do it,

'cause that's about
the worst-looking...

Hey, hey!

Oh, come on.

What's going on here?!

Just a minute!

Well, I want to make
the face for the snowman.

And I say I should.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I once won a prize
for making the best snowman

in Bullfrog, North Dakota.

Bullfrog, North Dakota?

Well, actually,
Bullfrog's just a suburb.

I mean, your big city
is Crab Apple Junction.

Oh.

I think Sergeant Schultz
should be the one to decide.

Who, me?

Yes, it takes a man
who is sophisticated,

who has been around,

who has been to Paris

and seen the beautiful snowmen

in the Bois du Boulogne

that only a Frenchman can make.

What do you mean,
"sophisticated"?

I bet he's never even been
to Crab Apple Junction!

Is that food or a city?

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!!

I have the solution.

You, Carter, you
put in the eyes.

You, LeBeau, you put in
the nose and the mouth.

And you both can
put on the hat together.

King Solomon couldn't have
made a wiser decision, Schultz.

You're a wonderful
person. Wonderful.

Oh.

Kinch, I wanted a...

Newkirk!

What's going on here, Newkirk?!

Wait, what's going
on here, Newkirk?!

Schultz, what's the problem now?

There is some monkey business

going on with this snowman!

You can't be serious.

Ha!

You told Major Hochstetter
that that I see mirages.

Let's see what he has
to say about this mirage.

Schultz see the escape?

I think he got a
glimpse of the captain.

We got to move the snowman.

Where to?

I think this is about the
only spot in the camp

we don't have a tunnel
underneath. Put it here.

Hilda, is the
commandant in his office?

He is very busy with
Major Hochstetter.

I have to see him right away.

Schultz...

I wouldn't go in
there if I were you.

You're halfway to
Stalingrad right now.

It was nice seeing you
again Major Hochstetter,

but I told you you would
find nothing suspicious here.

Those fliers must
be in another area.

I will not sleep
until I find them.

You will find them,
Major Hochstetter,

if I know my Gestapo.

Herr Kommandant, I would like

to report something urgent.

Not now, Schultz, please.

Herr Kommandant,
it has something

to do with the prisoners.

What?

I saw a man go
inside the snowman!

Schultz, is this another
one of your mirages?

No, Herr Kommandant.

I saw it with my own two eyes.

Have you been at
the schnapps again?

Just a minute, Klink.

Let's have a look at this.

Jawohl, Herr Major. I show you.

Please, Herr Major, I show you.

You sure you got enough snow

over that opening, Carter?

They won't be able
to find it until spring.

Okay, they're coming.

Herr Major, right over here.

Here, please. Right here.

Here. All right, Schultz.

Now, where did the
man enter the snowman?

Major Hochstetter, I protest.

This is our snowman.

Why are you so
concerned, Colonel Hogan?

Because we were gonna challenge

the guards and the Gestapo
to a snowman contest.

The winner gets a
free trip to London.

Here! Here!

Herr Major, right here.

Ah!

There is an opening... Ha!

Colonel Hogan, I
demand an explanation.

This is the way they
make a snowman

in Bullfrog, North Dakota.

Klink, I assure you,
I will find a tunnel.

And, when I do,

the punishment will...

You know, Colonel,

I think Major Hochstetter
wins the trip to London.

LeBEAU: Come on,
Schultz. It's freezing!

Yeah. We're all here!

Maybe one or two over.

Oh, let him take his time.

Klink doesn't like the
cold any more than we do.

Report!

Report!

You better report, Schultz.

He's turning blue.

All present and accounted for.

Dismissed!

Colonel, did the Gestapo
catch the bomber crew?

Colonel Hogan, I assure you

Major Hochstetter
will find them.

LeBEAU: Ha! He couldn't
find the Eiffel Tower in Paris!

He couldn't even
find his swastika!

The Krauts should
call in Scotland Yard.

Yeah. If they can find them.

Colonel Hogan, you
have gone too far.

Schultz, these men are
confined to the barracks,

without privileges,
for at least one week!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Sorry, Schultz.
Snowman contest is over.

Nice try.