Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 8 - Nights in Shining Armor - full transcript

Colonel?

Colonel Hogan, message
from London just in.

Now? So late?

Sounds like an emergency.
Kinch has it in code.

It's getting to be a busy war.

Relay job, Colonel...

From a plane, then
to London, then to us.

"Forward pass
almost intercepted.

"Need new play.

"Your team, 0200 hours.

"Load of sugar candy.



Usual signals.
Good luck, Coach."

That's a parachute
drop from a courier plane.

Probably couldn't
use its first drop point.

All right, look, we'll
move in an hour.

"Sugar candy" is code
for something special.

Maybe they'll drop
us some USO girls.

Could also mean heavy equipment.

After two years here, who
cares what they look like?

All right. Let's go.

Uh-huh.

Two flashes blue,

two white, two more blue.

All right, Newkirk,
give them the answer.

They read us. Let's go.



All right, let's make it fast.

The Krauts might have
seen this come down.

And, if they find
it, they find us.

There they are.
That's the sugar candy.

Bulletproof vests.

Heavy.

It's a good thing
they didn't send along

two pair of pants with them.

There's six or
eight... Yeah, it's too...

pairs in each box. too
heavy to carry back.

We'll have to bury 'em
here. We'll take one with us.

Come here, LeBeau.

Oh. Be careful.

That's the first time I
saw a vest wearing a man.

Parlez-vous français?

No, of course,
you pigs would not.

Officer, schnell, schnell!

What's going on here?

My name is Lieutenant
Maurice Dubois,

Air Force of France.

I've come to surrender.

I'm afraid you're a
little late, my friend.

Surrender? He's also nuts.

Bring him to my office and
search him for weapons.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Open the gate.

This does not concern you.

Go about your business.

Comment ça va, Lieutenant?

Oh, comment vous
appelez-vous, mon petit?

Caporal Louis LeBeau,
14'ème Escadrille.

Lieutenant Maurice Dubois.

Enchanté. Enchanté.

Ces animaux parlent français?

No. Les gros parlent
anglais. Ah, bon.

Où sont les vestes blindées
qui vous ont été délivrées?

On les a besoin,
aussitôt que possible.

Quoi? J'irai au
Colonel, tout de suite.

Don't you know it's not
polite to talk a language

nobody else understands?

We understand it.
Oh, that's different.

What'd he say, LeBeau?

You will not
believe it, Colonel.

When I tell you, you will
simply not believe it. That's all.

I will if I get a chance.
Now, come on, give.

He has come to pick
up the bulletproof vests

that were dropped to us. Alone?

You don't see General de Gaulle

coming through the gate, do you?

Oh, he's barmy
giving himself up.

How do we know he's for real?

We don't. Kinch,
get on the radio.

Have London check him
out while I see what plans

Klink has for him.

Right.

Lieutenant Maurice
Dubois, Air Force of France...

an organization
that no longer exists.

My plane was hit on a
reconnaissance mission

two days before we surrendered.

I, um, bail out over Brussels,

and then I crossed the
border into Germany.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Now, you entered Germany why?

Maybe he likes
the weinerschnitzel.

Hogan!

Now, Dubois, you've
been hiding for a long time.

Why are you surrendering now?

Well, to tell you
the truth, Colonel,

I am tired of running.

Uh-huh.

All right, your papers will go

to Gestapo
headquarters in Berlin.

And, until we hear from
them, you will be our guest.

Ask for a quiet room.

Some of them are noisy.

Tunnels being dug.

Silence!

Schultz, take him to the cooler.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Wait, wait. Why the cooler?

Regulations until the
case has been investigated.

Let him live in one
of the barracks.

I'll be responsible for him.

You? That's laughable.

Schultz!

You said it was laughable,

so I thought it was an order.

Put him in the cooler.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Answer from London, Colonel.

Oh, thanks, Kinch.

Well, Dubois' on the level.

Two years in the
French Resistance.

Two years?

Incroyable.

Two years. Still alive, eh?

He's no mug.

Our order is to give him

all the assistance possible.

How? He's in solitary.

Yeah, well, the first thing

is to keep the
Gestapo out of this.

Who's cleaning
Klink's office this week?

I am. All right,

Klink's report to the Gestapo

should be ready tomorrow.

See if you can head it off.

Yes, sir.

Kinch, I want you
to type out a pass

to the cooler so I
can talk to Dubois.

Okay. Oh, who signs it?

Newkirk will forge
Klink's signature.

Why is it, every time there's
a bit of forgery required,

or anything semi-criminal,
I'm the guy? Why?

No special reason, Newkirk.

It's a disease.

Oh, danke, Sergeant.

It's so nice of you to help me.

Oh, well, I always say,

"If people can't help
each other in wartime,

when can they?"

That's true.

I always say that.

I really do.

The plane was to drop these
new-type bulletproof vests

on a field just
outside Brussels.

The Krauts got wise?

No. But they increased
their patrol activity

so much that it
became dangerous.

We radioed London, but the
plane had already taken off.

The cargo had to be
dropped somewhere.

So we were elected.

You have them here, Colonel?

We've got them
buried in the woods.

They'll be safe for a while.

Ah, bon.

Dubois, you took a big gamble.

In two weeks, the Gestapo plans

to execute several
of our countrymen

in retaliation for
our resistance.

We know where
they are being held,

and we intend to save them.

These bulletproof vests will

give our men a fighting chance.

You gave yourself up.

There was no other way.

I had to make sure
the vests were here,

so, uh, I got into my old
uniform, and here I am.

Yeah, you sure are... in jail.

Colonel Hogan, I have been told

that you are a very
clever officer with ideas.

Now, how are we
going to get this armor

away from here and into France?

Funny you should ask.

Ah, you have a plan?

No. I was just about to
ask you the same question.

Klink's report to the Gestapo.

You devil. Nice work.

Voilà.

At least the Gestapo won't
get Dubois for a little while.

Yeah, we still
have two problems:

getting Dubois
out of the cooler,

and starting those vests
on their way to France.

Well, couldn't you ask
Klink again, Colonel?

No. He needs a good
reason to let Dubois out.

What do we need
most at Stalag 13?

And nobody say girls.

Eliminate girls, you're
going to cut down

the field quite a bit, sir.

Okay, you guys,
the faucet is fixed...

but use it carefully, 'cause I
got some more work to do on it.

Right.

My son the plumber.

Hey, that's one
thing we haven't got

in the old Stalag, Colonel...
a graduate plumber.

What happened to the Kraut
who was doing that work?

Schneider? He transferred out.

I've been doing it in all the
barracks for the last few weeks.

How much do you know about it?

I was a plumber's
helper one summer

when I went to
school in Detroit.

The Krauts know
you've been doing this?

No, I don't think so.

If you can fix plumbing,
you can also break it, right?

That I can do.

Gentlemen, did you know
that, besides being a pilot,

Lieutenant Maurice
Dubois is also a plumber?

He told you, Colonel?

He couldn't. Doesn't
know it himself... yet.

Wait a minute!

May I ask what you are doing?

You mean you don't know?

Tell him, LeBeau.

Practice makes perfect.

Schultz!

It is incredible!

The most efficient P.O.W. camp

in all of Germany, and
we have no plumber.

Herr Kommandant, Corporal
Schneider was our plumber.

Was?!

Before he was sent
to the Russian front.

Well, what idiot sent
him to the Russian front?

Don't tell me what idiot.

I shall call division
headquarters.

I will have his
transfer revoked,

and we will get him back here.

If they can dig him up.

I-I-I mean, if
they can find him.

Come in, come in, come in.

Glad I caught you
in, Commandant.

I want to register a complaint.

Hogan, I'm not interested
in your complaints.

I've got problems of my own.

Okay.

Wait, Hogan. wait.

Are any of your men plumbers?

Plumbers? No, sir.

We have a tech
sergeant who's a dentist.

I want my faucet
fixed, not my teeth.

Well, sorry, sir.

I guess I can't help you.

There is a man who
might be able to do the job.

Who? Who?

No, no. He's not available.

He's in the cooler. Regulations.

The Frenchman?

Before the war, he was one

of the best plumbers in Paris.

Him?

He told LeBeau.

Yes, Herr Kommandant,

I heard them speak in French.

But how can a plumber
become an air force officer?

Connections.

I just want to know what
you did in civilian life.

Well, I, uh, I did many things.

What was your work?

What the Commandant means

is were you always a plumber?

Oh, that.

But of course.

That was all I ever did,
like my father before me.

You see? Plumbing
even ran in his family.

Oui.

I want you to fix a faucet.

Sorry, sir. I would
consider that

collaborating with the enemy.

What?

Dubois, I'm senior
P.O.W. officer here,

and I appreciate your feelings,

but I'm prepared to
look the other way.

Well, bring me the faucet.

I'll see what I can do.

I'd have to bring you
the whole building.

You'll have to release him.

I suppose I have
no other choice.

But you're on parole.

And, if you break it,
all the men will suffer.

Oui, Colonel.
That is understood.

Why must I always be at
the mercy of all these details?!

What are you complaining about?

Haven't gotten his bill yet.

These are Corporal
Schneider's tools.

Take care of them.

I promised his widow...

Oui, oui. J'ai compris.

I'm going to need someone
to assist me, Colonel.

Kinch? Yes, sir.

Help the Lieutenant.

Colonel, I don't know
anything about plumbing.

Doesn't matter. He knows
it all. Just carry his tools.

Right, sir.

All right, get on with it.

What is this madness?

Shh!

Just play along with Hogan.

He's got a plan.

But plumbing?

I was a real estate
salesman in Fontainebleau

before the war.

That's close enough.

This'll prove that
plenty of work is needed.

But, Sergeant, what am
I going to say to them?

I'll tell you what
to say. Don't worry.

Here.

Want to sit in, man?

Sounds like Dubois'
doing a good job.

Uh. The moment the
Frenchman is finished,

he goes back to the cooler.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Good.

Aha. Aha!

There they are.

All finished, huh?

Excellent.

Schultz, he goes
back in the cooler.

That was just the
inspection, Colonel.

Look at this. Everything rusted.

The pressure valve is
going to blow any minute.

Then you are going to
have water everywhere.

Mmm. Do you remember
the Johnstown flood?

How long will it take to finish?

Well, that's impossible to say.

I'm going to need
a pipe threader,

a forge, welding tools, eh...

Herr Kommandant, he could use

Corporal Schneider's workshop.

All right, but I want
this job done quickly.

Oh, I'd be better off
at the Russian front.

Herr Kommandant,
when you are there,

could you look for
Corporal Schneider?

Shut up. Dismissed.

Hi, Schultzy.

Hi, Schultz.

Hello, Schultzy. Hi, Schultz.

We brought the
jackets in last night.

Beautiful. These
are going to give us

a fighting chance
on our mission.

Hey, watch it.

You almost fell
through the floor.

Maybe it would have been
better that way. Help me.

All right, Carter,

you'll leave your jacket on

and stand over against the wall.

Look, Colonel, I know this is

important, but I...

We're only going
through the motions

of taking a shot at you.

Now, don't get all worked up.

It's not going to be
dangerous, Sergeant.

Right. I mean,

old Schultz'll stop
us, anyway, right?

And, if he doesn't, the
jacket will stop the bullet.

If the bullet goes
through the jacket?

We'll be happy to
refund your money.

Thanks a lot, sir.

That makes me feel a lot better.

Good. LeBeau, go get Schultz.

Tout de suite. Right, sir.

I didn't even get a chance

to volunteer for this.

Oh, pipe down.

You won't feel a thing.

Schultzy, Colonel
Hogan wants to see you.

Yeah?

What do you want?

Hi, Schultz. We're
conducting an experiment.

Let me borrow your
rifle, huh? My rifle?

Thank you.

But wait a minute.

I mean, I didn't even
get a chance to volunteer.

What's going on here?

Are you nuts or something?

You could kill him.

Don't you know there's a war on?

He won't get hurt.

He's wearing a bulletproof vest.

Lieutenant Dubois
invented it in his spare time.

Oh, monkey business.

I told you he'd tell Klink.

That's right.

And you all stay here,

and don't you move.

So far, Dubois, we're
batting a thousand.

You know what to do.

Oui, Colonel.

I have it all in mind.

I mean, if I'd have
been asked to volunteer,

I might have said yes,

but I wasn't even
asked to volunteer.

Good shot, Colonel.

I'm proud to say the
bullet has not penetrated.

It has been stopped.

Amazing!

I told you he was a genius.

With plumbing, not
a bulletproof vest.

Is this what you've been doing

instead of fixing my sink?

In his spare time, sir.

In war, there is no
spare time, Hogan.

Now, I'm going to
give you one more day

to repair my pipes, and then
you go back to the cooler.

Colonel, may I
talk to you alone?

Permission denied.

I've told you what to do.

But it's very
important, Colonel.

Dubois, what are
you trying to pull?

I'm only interested in plumbing.

You know prisoners are supposed

to get permission to
talk to the commandant.

And that's an
order. Just a minute.

I give the orders in Stalag 13.

Schultz, get them out of here.

I'll make a formal protest.

Get them out of here. Out!

Dubois, if you sell out,
you're going to be in trouble.

You hear me? Big trouble!

What did he mean by "sell out"?

He is very clever, Colonel.

He knows the value of a
bulletproof vest like this one.

Oh, that's nothing.
Luftwaffe pilots

have worn these flak
vests from the beginning.

Not the same.

The metal has been
specially treated.

My own invention.

I will give them to you,

and all of these I have made.

I see.

So you're going to sell out, eh?

What's the price?

My freedom.

I want to join Pétain in Vichy.

I don't have to bargain
with you. I can take that vest.

But not the formula
for treating the metal.

That is up here.

We have ways of
gaining information.

Ah, Colonel,
wouldn't it be wiser

to turn this over to Berlin

and get credit for
something important?

It could only help
an officer's career.

That's an interesting idea.

Oui.

Not that my career
needs any help.

No, of course not, Colonel.

I'll see what can be arranged.

Merci, Colonel.

Merci.

Yes, General Burkhalter,

I've been working on
this little invention of mine,

and now I feel it is
ready for your inspection.

What's that, sir?

Oh, well, sir,

I've always been a
very creative person.

Hmm?

Yes, sir. I've created
confusion, too.

Well, it happens
to the best of us.

You're coming here?

Oh, that's wonderful, sir.
I shall expect you then.

Heil Hitler.

Remarkable. The fabric is torn,

but the metal underneath
is barely dented.

I told you I would deliver
as promised, Herr General.

Yes. Apparently the day
of miracles is not over.

You said a special
treatment of the metal.

What is that treatment?

The formula for the treatment

is locked up in here, General.

Is that so? Oui.

He'll give it to us, sir.

When I'm allowed to
cross the border into Vichy.

He's a sellout artist.

Don't trust him. Silence!

Disgrace to the uniform.

I want my freedom.

You shall have it...

if you live up to your
part of the bargain.

I knew our little
invention would be a hit.

Could be very useful for assault
troops or special operations.

That's exactly what I
was thinking, Herr General.

Yes, I knew you would be

the moment I mentioned it.

How many of these have you made?

A dozen, sir.

I want them sent to
Berlin as soon as possible.

I shall be happy

to deliver them personally, sir.

My aide, Captain
Franz, will come for them.

Lieutenant Dubois, you
will accompany him to Berlin.

Bonjour.

But Herr General, I feel that...

A demonstration will be
arranged for the Führer himself.

I should love to show the
Führer how that vest works.

That is very kind of you, Klink.

Thank you, Herr General.

Except you won't be there.

No.

Why not, Herr General?

Why should you
demonstrate my invention?

They're loading the
car now, Colonel.

Okay, Kinch.

Let's move out.

Mind the store, huh?

Right. Good luck.

Guten Abend, Herr Hauptmann.

This is checkpoint Fritz.

May I see your papers, please?

I have a pass from
General Burkhalter

permitting travel anywhere.

That is just what I need.

Get out.

Take off the uniform.

Nein.

Or would you
rather I shoot it off?

Schnell!

All right, Newkirk, Carter,
take him back to camp.

The underground will
pick him up tomorrow night.

All right, sir. Raus!

Allez, au revoir,
Lieutenant. Bonne chance.

Au revoir, Colonel,
Vive la France.

Au revoir, Colonel.

I will never forget you.

I'll never forget you,
Lieutenant. Merci.

Unless I need a plumber.

In that case, you'll
be the first I'll forget.

Aha! Captain Franz,
Lieutenant Dubois,

the bulletproof
vests... All missing.

What do you know
about this, Hogan?

It's Burkhalter's way
of keeping you out of it.

He wants to take credit himself.

Aha! I see. He
wants to make it look

as if I know nothing about it.

Exactly, Commandant.

You know nothing.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Still, that Dubois...
He's a slippery type.

I didn't trust him.

Fixed your sink, didn't he?

I haven't tried it yet.

Schultz, check the faucet.

There you are, Commandant.

Mm-hmm.

Fixed the sink, huh?!

You and your Lieutenant Dubois!

What do we do now?

Well, if I were you, I
wouldn't pay his bill.