Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 7 - How to Win Friends and Influence Nazis - full transcript

Carter, I hate to criticize,

but I think you're making
the soap too strong.

It's got to be strong

if you're going to
get rid of the dirt.

But not strong enough
to get rid of the clothes.

Well, it's not that strong.

You think it isn't?

Now that's what I call strong.

We've got company.

Burkhalter visiting Klink?

Looks official. Let's listen in.



It is always a great honor

to have you drop in,
General Burkhalter.

Klink, I didn't just drop in.

Of course not.

It was very dignified,
the way you drove up, sir.

Very impressive.

I remember saying to myself,

"This is not just dropping in."

Would you care
for a cigarette, sir?

No.

Would you care for a
chocolate-covered candy?

I do not eat candy.

I'm on a diet.

You're on a diet, sir?



Oh, that's ridiculous.

I should be on a diet.

Let the wastebasket get fat.

Now, the reason why I'm here

is a matter of utmost secrecy.

What I'm going to tell
you is for your ears alone.

You can depend on me, sir.

You know that.

I do not know
anything of the kind.

But I have no...

choice...

Now, listen.

In the next few days,
you can expect...

What's wrong with this thing?

You been making
coffee with it again?

No.

Very interesting.

Now, as I understand it,

what you want me to do is...

is to see that...

That's exactly right.

What's exactly right?

You can depend on me, General.

Now remember, no
one is to know about this.

Rest assured, General,

wild horses couldn't
drag a word out of me.

It's coming in
nice and clear now.

I'll be checking with you.

Heil Hitler.

Yeah, I never heard
a clearer "Heil Hitler."

What do you
think it's all about?

I wish I knew.

They said that it's something
that's going to happen

within the next
few days, but what?

Why don't we just wait and see

what it is when it happens?

Because when it happens,
it may turn out to be

a happening that we
don't want to happen.

Anything new on Klink?

Nothing. He keeps
going to the mirror

to look at himself.

He's still carrying on that
lifelong romance, huh?

Any word from the
coffee pot, Kinch?

Nothing much.

Made a few phone calls...

One to his tailor to get
him to rush his new uniform.

New uniform, huh?

And a couple of phone calls

about getting the
camp cleaned up,

a few buildings painted.

That's interesting.

You think it's a clue, Colonel?

Yeah, it means the something
we're looking for is a someone.

I say, that's good thinking.

That's why I'm a colonel.

If it's a someone, who is it?

If I was that smart,
I'd be a general.

I have to go to work on Klink.

Come in, come in.

Yes, Hogan, what
is it? I'm very busy.

I know you are, sir.

I just wanted to tell
you I had the men

cleaning up the barracks,
getting uniforms in shape.

That's good.

So you have nothing to
worry about when he...

Oops.

What'd you say?

Nothing, nothing. Forget it.

Slip of the tongue.

You said he. Who do you mean?

Nobody, nobody. I
didn't say anything.

Hogan, I heard you.

What do you know?

Absolutely nothing.

Only you and General
Burkhalter know.

I can tell when a man is lying.

You do know.

Colonel, it's uncanny the
way you see through someone.

Who else knows?

Nobody. I give you my word
as an officer and a gentleman.

I haven't told my men.

You're sure the men don't know?

I just gave you my word.

Personally, I think
the man's a fraud.

You don't believe the formula

that he's working on?

Really, Colonel,
do you believe it?

Well, I must admit that a metal

that's stronger
than steel and lighter

is quite a claim, but
the high command itself

has checked it.

Come on, Colonel.

If the high command is so smart,

what are they doing
on the Russian front?

He's a very famous scientist.

Famous, my foot.

I'll bet he's not even
listed in Who's Who.

I'll show you how smart you are.

He is listed.

I looked it up.

There.

Carl Svenson, Swedish chemist...

specializing in metal alloys.

You see? I told
you he was listed.

I should have bet you...
just to teach you a lesson.

Yeah, I admit I was wrong.

Now I can see why you're
going to all this trouble

to impress him, to win him over.

That shows how much you know.

We've already won him over.

We just want to prove to him

what wonderful, warm
people we Germans are.

Well, yeah, you can't keep
a thing like that a secret.

Hogan!

I wish I knew how you
found out about Dr. Svenson.

I bet it was somebody
with a big mouth.

Oh, that I can tell you.

It was somebody
with a big mouth.

All right, here's the
story on Svenson.

Everything they know about
him from Allied headquarters.

He's quite a boy, a genius.

They know he was
working on the alloy,

but they didn't
know he'd finished it.

What's so important
about Svenson's alloy?

Can you imagine an airplane

that's faster
because it's lighter

and with an armor that's
stronger than anything we have?

And tanks and battleships,
just to name a few?

What are we going to do,
Colonel, steal the formula?

No. We wouldn't be sure
if we had the right formula,

and we're not even
sure he has it with him.

The only thing we
can be sure about

is he hasn't turned it
over to the Nazis yet.

Otherwise, they wouldn't be
making such a big fuss over him.

We have to stop him
before he turns it over.

That's right.

How are we going to do that?

There's only one way.

We got to knock him off.

Well, Dr. Svenson,
what do you think

about our little stalag?

Well, I must tell you the truth:

I do not like
prisons of any kind.

I don't like them, either,

but we have our jobs to perform.

Yours is science;
mine is running a prison.

Well, I suppose a P.O.W.
camp is a necessary evil.

What a wonderful thought,
and how beautifully expressed.

Oh, yes, my men are happy here.

But one hears
such terrible stories

of P.O.W. camps. Oh, no...

I'm sorry, Colonel, I
didn't know you were busy.

I'll come back. Hogan, stay.

We're never too busy for you.

One of our prisoners.

Hogan, what can I do for you?

Look for yourself,
sir... Healthy, happy.

As always, I am at your service.

Oh, the men think
of me like their father.

Everything all right, huh?

Everything is all
right, isn't it, Hogan?

Any complaints? No?

Uh, no complaints, are there?

I'm doing my best,
sir. I can't think of one.

Not one complaint.

And you are happy here?

Oh, very happy. Delirious.

Oh, we're one big, happy family.

We live together.
We sleep together.

We eat together.

That reminds me, Colonel,
there is one complaint.

There's one complaint?

Yes. At dinner last night,

there was just a
touch too much lemon

in the sauce Bearnaise.

I remember that.

Remind me; I must talk
to the cook about that.

I am very glad to see

that you treat your
prisoners so well.

Oh, the colonel's all heart.

Oh, yes, I am.

You see, my men are
prisoners in name only.

I give them all the
freedom in the world.

Oh, well, I must be
getting back to town.

Oh, by all means. And
may I take you in my car?

It's a nice little
town, isn't it?

You have been there?

Oh, yes. Every week,
Colonel Klink allows us

to go to town on pass.

It's part of the honor system.

Isn't that right, sir?

Yes, that's right.

Oh, that is very
enlightened treatment.

And no one ever tries to escape?

Heavens to Betsy, why should
we when we have it so good here?

Incidentally, that
reminds me, Colonel,

it may have slipped your mind,

but the men and I haven't
been to town in over two weeks.

Some other time? They're going
to be awfully disappointed, sir.

I don't want to discuss it now.

This is the first time you've
gone back on your word, sir.

I, uh... I don't know how
I'm going to tell the men.

Hogan...

Well, I didn't want to
spoil the surprise, sir,

but the reason they
were going to town

was to get you a
birthday present.

It's not my birthday.

Birthdays aren't
on the calendar.

It's in the heart.

Colonel... it seems to me

if the men are
looking forward to it...

I'd love to, Dr. Svenson,
but there's no transportation.

We'll go in your
car. It's too crowded.

I wouldn't care.
Then it's settled.

I'll get packed. Good!

Hold it! Halt!

Take it easy, Schultz.

I'm just getting
a drink of water.

Don't be so jumpy.

You heard what the
commandant said.

No monkey business.

So everybody sit
down, and no tricks.

Come on, Schultz, you
wouldn't really shoot us...

would you?

I have my instructions.

If necessary, shoot to kill.

So no funny stuff.

All right, fellas, take
it easy on Schultz.

Boy, some vacation.

Might just as well
be back at camp

for all the good
we're doing here.

I wouldn't say that.

Svenson's room is on this floor.

At least we're close to him.

Yeah, well, we ain't
gonna get any closer,

not with that bloated
Doberman pinscher watching us.

I'm getting sleepy.

Think I'll take a nap, too.

♪ Lullaby, lullaby... ♪

Room 406, please.

Hello, Dr. Svenson?

Is Colonel Klink there?

General Burkhalter calling.

Send that boy to camp.

Hello, Klink?

You idiot! What are
you doing in town?

I am here at your
office waiting for you.

Are you arguing with me, Klink?

Now listen.

I want you back here
at camp right away.

I am counting.

One!

Two!

Three!

I think he'll break some
records getting back to camp.

Got the bomb?

Right here.

It's a most unusual
fountain pen...

For writing off people.

And the whole thing is a bomb?

We're only blowing up one guy.

How's it work?

Well, you take the
top off, it'll explode.

If you want a delayed action,

you just twist this little ring

that the clip's on.

It's like an egg timer.

Yeah, instead of the
egg being finished,

it's the guy that gets finished.

I wish it wasn't Svenson.

He seems like a nice guy.

I'm not crazy about
the idea, either.

But it's got to be done.

He's going to wake himself up.

How can he?

He can't hear anything.

Come in.

Doctor?

Colonel Hogan.

I thought Colonel
Klink was here.

Yes, he was, but he
left in quite a hurry.

Some business at the camp.

Won't you sit down,

I'll be with you in a minute.

Speaking of business, doctor.

Are you going to give the
Nazis your new metal alloy?

That is supposed to be a secret.

Not anymore.

Whose side are you on?

I'm not on either side.

I'm not a politician,
I'm a scientist.

All I want is to end the war.

Good.

And we want to be
the ones to end it.

Doctor, I can get
you out of Germany

with the Allies in two days.

No.

As soon as I
finish the formula...

You mean it isn't finished?

Two or three more months work.

That's good news.

Gives me more time to
swing you over to our side.

I told you, I am
not taking sides.

You are wasting your time.

I don't mind wasting
a little time, Doctor,

if I can get you to
see my point of view.

I am going
downstairs for a drink.

Will you join me?

I'd love to.

Eh...

You want to write something?

Oh, I was going to send
somebody a message,

but, uh, it can wait.

♪ Everything happens to me ♪

♪ At first my heart thought
you could break a jinx for me ♪

♪ Und love would turn
a trip to end despair ♪

♪ But now I just
can't fool this head ♪

♪ But he's for me ♪

♪ I mortgage all my
castles in the air ♪

♪ I telegraphed and phoned ♪

♪ I sent an airmail
special, too. ♪

Look, if you don't
like New York,

there's always California.! Shh.

♪ And there was
even postage due ♪

♪ I fell in love just once and
then it had to be with you ♪

♪ Everything happens to me ♪

Here's your drink.

I, uh, didn't realize

you were such a music lover.

I'll have to tell her

how much you enjoyed
her performance.

You know her?

You know that wonderful girl?

Can I meet her?

I think it could be arranged.

Fine! How soon?

Why not right now?

Wonderful!

How's it all going?

I think I found the
good doctor's weakness.

In the report Kinch
received from headquarters,

what did it say about
his being married?

Said he'd been down the aisle,

made the trip four times.

He's practically a commuter.

Yep, the good doctor's
a sucker for dames.

You know, with a
brainy fellow like that,

I thought he'd have had a
more dignified weakness.

You know, like
listening to symphonies.

Well, everybody hears
a different drummer.

I think I'm going to
pay Magda a visit.

How does she fit in to all this?

Now, if you were
in love with a girl

that was going to go to
Hollywood for a screen test,

wouldn't you follow her?

Of course I would.

Any man would.

The doctor's a man.

Ja? Who is it?

An admirer.

I had to see you.

I've never seen
such a performance.

I've never been so moved.

Oh, ja, I noticed you.

You were the only
one in the audience

who wasn't applauding.

Well, that's right.

I was so moved, I couldn't move.

You really liked me?

Your talent is for the world.

Oh!

Excuse me, but,
uh... who are you?

I'm a Hollywood talent scout.

In the middle of the war?

I'm a neutral.

Ah.

Tell me, have you ever thought

of being a Hollywood star?

A Hollywood star?

Me?

Please, don't say no,

they need you.

But, uh, how would I get there?

Leave that to me.

There is a war going on.

Just let me hear you say

"I want to be a Hollywood star,"

and I'll arrange
for the screen test.

Well, then, yes, of course,

I want to be a Hollywood star!

Then it's settled.

Oh, incidentally,

these flowers are
from another admirer.

A very important man.

"For the flower of my heart.

Woodrow Eisner"

Well, that's not his name.

It's Dr. Carl Svenson.

A famous scientist.

Svenson...

I never heard of him.

Well, he's been doing
some secret work,

but he's very famous.

He'd love you to have

a late supper with him tonight.

Well, why he doesn't
ask me himself?

Well, he's shy.

Do you know what he said to me?

He said, "You ask her,

I wouldn't know how
to speak to a goddess."

He said that?

About me?

She really said that about me?

I can't believe it.

Well, maybe you'll believe it

when she comes to
your room for supper.

She's coming to my room?

Insisted on it.

She wants to get
to know you better.

Oh, how wonderful!

For the first time in my
life, I'm really in love.

You've been married four times.

Oh, that doesn't
mean that I was in love.

No, Colonel, this
is the real thing.

Have you never felt the love

that comes to a man
once in a lifetime?

Dozens of times.

Another unhappy message

from Allied
headquarters, Colonel.

I don't blame them.

It's been almost a week
and I haven't been able

to get in touch with
Svenson or Magda.

Headquarters is right...

I should have knocked
Svenson off in town

when I had the chance,

instead of trying to play Cupid.

But if your plan had worked,

we would have had
Svenson on our side.

Yeah, but it didn't work.

Now he's going to
complete the formula

and give it to the Nazis.

Company coming.

General Burkhalter,

what an unexpected
pleasure to see you again, sir.

Unexpected, yes.

Pleasure, no.

This is Herr Grosser,
of the Gestapo.

Heil Hitler.

What reason would
the Gestapo have

for being here?

Of course, I will do
everything in my power

to cooperate
fully with you, sir.

Last Tuesday you went to
town with Dr. Carl Svenson.

Is that correct?

Yes, sir.

But that was all right,

General Burkhalter told
me to keep an eye on him.

On that evening,
he met a young lady,

Magda Tischler,

with whom he became
romantically involved.

Since meeting her,

he has not worked
on his formula,

for which our
government is waiting.

Well, that's love for you.

Oh, it was a terrible thing.

Klink!

You were responsible
for Svenson.

How did it happen that
he met this young lady?

Because, sir, you ordered me

to come back here
to camp at once.

No!! And when I got here,

you weren't here,
not even a message.

No! Yes!

Sir. Sir.

"Returned to camp at
order of General Burkhalter."

This isn't true.

I was at my wife's
sister's wedding.

"General says he
was at wedding."

Klink!

Are you trying to crawl
out of your responsibility?

No, sir. No, sir, no.

Gentlemen, I must
be honest with you.

When I make my report to Berlin,

you are both going to
be in very big trouble.

Very big trouble.

But I did get a call

from General Burkhalter.

Klink!

You are the last
one I would call.

It's your fault
he met that girl.

How do you like that?

The romance did take.

Yeah, but now the Gestapo

are going to put a
fire under Svenson.

Yeah, I know.

We've got to figure
some way to get to him

before the Gestapo does.

This is a big day...
More company!

We've got to reach
Svenson and the girl.

Who is it?

You just said it:
Svenson and the girl.

Colonel Hogan!

You are just the man
that I want to see.

Yeah, and there's somebody

who wants to see you, look...

We want to get married,

and we want you
to be our best man.

Congratulations,

but your honeymoon's
going to be delayed.

I am giving up
my career for Carl.

I'm no longer
interested in Hollywood.

I just want to be his wife.

I hate to break the
bad news to you kids,

but the Nazis
don't like romance...

Especially yours.

What are you talking about?

Here comes the answer man now.

Dr. Svenson!

You tell them!

Didn't I get a call from
General Burkhalter

in my room?

Not that you called, General.

That's enough.

This woman is under arrest.

You can't do that.

We are being married.

What are your
grounds for arrest?

We cannot allow
anything to interfere

with your working
on the formula.

That makes this woman
an enemy of the Third Reich.

In that case, I have
stopped work on the formula.

Colonel Klink!

Place them both under arrest

while I make my
report to Berlin.

I'll pick up the
prisoners later.

Who knows...

there may be a few more
prisoners by then, huh?

Excuse me, sir,

I believe you dropped this.

Come with me!

All right, get down
into the tunnel.

There'll be somebody
at the other end

to get you to England.

I don't know

how to thank
you for all of this.

Giving the formula to our side

is thanks enough.

Oh, wait a minute.

There is another
thanks you can give me...

A kiss from the bride.

Good bye.

Good luck.

Another day, another dollar.

You all saw what happened!

I was never near the
car when it exploded!

Was I!

That's right.

And that's what I'll tell them

when they ask me.

And don't forget,

I was right here with
General Burkhalter.

Well, let's see, now, were you?

You know I was.

Yes, of course. Yes, you were.

But there will be a very
thorough investigation.

That's right!

Who knows what
they might find out.

There is one thing, though.

Nobody will get
to see his report.

That's right, no report.

What about Svenson?

That's right, what
about Dr. Svenson?

I thought I saw Svenson

get in the car with
the Gestapo man,

didn't you?

Yes, I think I saw that, too.

I know I saw it
with my own eyes.

But what if Dr. Svenson...

Are you going to
question the general?

General Burkhalter,

if you saw it with
your own eyes,

I saw it with my own eyes.