Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 6 - Casanova Klink - full transcript

I'll bet two.

I shall call your
two gingersnaps

and raise you two
coconut macaroons.

I'm in.

Achtung!

All lights out at once!

What do you think he's got?

Nothing, that's what. Nothing.

Achtung! All lights out at once!

Do you think he's bluffing?

Of course he's bluffing;
he's always bluffing.



But he's not bluffing
me out of this spot.

Or me; I call.

I drop.

I'm going to tell you
achtung, all light out at once!

And I'm going to keep
telling you until they are!

I... I have strict...

Hmm. Coconut macaroons.

Get your fat hands
out of the pot, Schultz.

Air raid!

The underground's right on time.

8:15 to the second.

Wonder what they hit tonight...

Secret torpedo factory?

No, I think it was the
secret rocket fuel tanks.



You can come out now, Schultzy.

It wasn't anything serious.

Just a little sabotage
from the underground.

Why did you say it was sabotage?

And how did you know
about the secret torpedo bases

and about the... fuel tanks?

Never mind how we
know about them, Schultz.

How do you know about them?

Where are you getting
your information, Schultz?

Top secret installations!

I heard it from you.

I-I did!

I didn't listen on purpose.

I just happened to
be under the table

when you were telling
about the explosions.

I think he might be
telling the truth, sir.

You may be right, Newkirk,
but you can't take chances.

Remember, the
enemy is everywhere.

Enemy? Me, an enemy?

I'm just as loyal
a German soldier

as any prisoner
here in this room.

We know that, Schultz,
and we respect you for it.

Danke.

Now, tell me, why
are the lights still on

in Colonel Klink's office?

And why are the shades
down and the drapes drawn?

Why do you think?

Klink is obviously
dining with a young lady.

It's not a girl.

It's a Gestapo agent
who works directly on...

I must get back to my post.

Wait, wait a minute, Schultz.

What's this about
the Gestapo agent?

Very tasty.

But the macaroons could
use a little bit more of coconut.

Let's talk about the
Gestapo agent, Schultz.

I know nothing, I see nothing

and I say nothing.

You say nothing

because your mouth's
always full of our food.

Oh, pardon me.

I must get back to my post.

Please let me know when
you are playing poker again.

This mission demands
absolute secrecy.

Well, there was this...

He understands
completely, Herr Hindmann.

Yes, sir. Completely, sir.

Also, if it is necessary,

all your troops,
guards and personnel

are to be placed under
my command at once.

What? Oh, that's impossible.

He's well aware of
that, too, Herr Hindmann.

Yes, sir, I'm well
aware of that, too.

Are you looking for
something, Herr Hindmann?

I'm just checking for
hidden microphones.

I am known only as a
loyal, trustworthy member

of the German underground.

I must remain above suspicion

until we have
prepared our little trap.

The Gestapo is
planning a surprise

for the treacherous dogs.

That's right, General.

This Gestapo agent
sounds like real trouble.

Did you ever know
one who wasn't?

Leave him to me, Colonel,

and I'll see to it that
he's no trouble at all.

Sure, kill a Gestapo agent,
we'll really be in a mess.

Who will know he's been killed?

I'll make it look like he died

of an accidental cutthroat.

Well, you don't have to worry

about finding any
hidden microphones here.

I have personally checked
every inch of this office.

Do you remember General
von Rohder, gentlemen?

The late General
and I were classmates.

What did he die of, sir?

A sudden transfer
to the Russian front.

There's a lot of that
going around now.

How well I remember
suggesting to the General

it might be wise to have a
security check of his office.

Do you know what
General von Rohder said?

I have a feeling it was the
same thing Colonel Klink said.

Word for word.

He personally had checked
every inch of that office.

And you found a
hidden microphone?

14, to be exact.

Fourteen.

Von Rohder had a
bigger radio audience

than Winston Churchill.

It's time I got back.

There's one thing more, Colonel.

Klink!

I want to leave some papers
in your safe tomorrow night.

Certainly, Herr Hindmann.

I'll write down the
combination for you.

Don't bother.

I'll have my men change
the lock in the morning.

The papers will
remain in the safe

until they are picked up
Friday night by my superior.

These papers must
be very important.

Extremely important, General.

They might be called...

the German underground's
death warrant.

We'd better warn the underground
that one of their men is a spy.

Until we know which one is,

we'll be doing more
harm than good.

You think they may
know about our setup?

We won't know what he
knows until we see those papers

that he's going to
stash in Klink's safe.

Just leave that to the magic
fingers of Peter Newkirk,

your friendly,
neighborhood safecracker.

LeBeau, Yes, sir.

Newkirk, get over to
Klink's office tonight

and yank out all
those listening bugs.

Too risky leaving them there.

Right, sir. Oui, Colonel.

The Gestapo is planning

something big for Friday night.

That only leaves us
two days to find out

what it is and how to stop it.

I agree, Herr General, but
why does Herr Hindmann

have to use my guards,
my office and my safe?

Klink, my policy has always been

complete cooperation
with the Gestapo,

providing I feel that their
requests are reasonable.

I agree with you, sir. I agree.

Fortunately, I have found

all of their requests
quite reasonable...

no matter how
unreasonable they were.

But you see, sir,

it's just that Fraulein Hilda

has taken a leave of absence,

and the work is going to pile up

until I can find a
replacement for her.

All you had to do
is tell me about it,

and you would have
another secretary like that.

Yes, sir, I did
that six days ago.

And what did I say?

That I could have another
secretary just like that.

You didn't tell me
how long a time

"just like that" would be,
and that was six days ago.

You have already told
me that it was six days ago.

I'll see what I can
do in the morning.

Doesn't have to
be the first thing.

When I say something,
Klink, I mean it.

Don't ever doubt my word.

No, sir, I don't.

I didn't six days ago, and
I won't six days from now.

Outer office tap and phone tap.

Inner office tap and
the private line tap.

What's in the bag?
Liquor cabinet tap.

Hey! ♪ Ta-da! ♪

Hold it, hold it.

Now, I know that Colonel
Klink doesn't touch the stuff,

but I thought it'd be wise

to remove it from
any temptation.

Very thoughtful of you two.

That's what
enemies are for, sir.

You get everything? Not quite.

We had to leave a bottle
of crème de menthe,

and two bottles
of... I mean our stuff.

Uh, yes, sir; now
I say, let's, uh...

You say let's put the liquor
away until the proper time,

right, Newkirk?

Yes, sir, you took the words

right out of my mouth.

Took a little
scotch out of it, too.

This is just what
you need, Gertrud.

Something to keep
you busy, active.

Who wants to be busy, active?

I'm happy sitting
at home with Mama.

Wouldn't it be nicer

to sit around the
house with a husband?

Maybe. Whose husband?

Don't be coy, Gertrud.

I'm talking about marriage.

You are always
talking about marriage.

How do I know I am a widow?

Otto was only reported
missing in action.

That was three years ago.

You're a good-looking girl.

You'd make somebody a good wife.

I would like to
get married again

if the right man came along.

Even if the wrong
man comes along,

you'd better grab him.

Beggars can't be
choosers, you know.

Albert!

Ah, General Burkhalter,

Frau Linkmeyer, what
a pleasant surprise.

What is so surprising
about it, Klink?

I said you'd have a secretary
the first thing this morning.

Yes, sir, you did.

What time will she be here?

She's here right now.

You don't mean your sister?

What is wrong with that?

Oh, no, no, nothing.

It's a wonderful idea,

but, you see, it's
very complicated work.

What is so complicated about it?

I can make twice
the mess I see here.

Well, you see, work
has been piling up

ever since Fraulein
Hilda left, and that...

That is no excuse to leave
an office looking like this.

Here, dump this. But I-I-I...

You can also get rid of this.

Bring me a broom
on your way back.

Yes, ma'am.

You see, Gertrud,

Colonel Klink really
does need a secretary.

What he really needs is a maid.

What he really needs is a wife.

You know, Klink
reminds me a lot of Otto.

Mm, ja, ja, he does.

All right, Newkirk, you
got everything you need

to crack that safe?

All set, sir.

We don't have too much time.

You've got to get
the safe door open,

LeBeau's got to
photograph all those papers,

and we have to get
everything back in order

by the time the guard returns.

It takes him exactly 15
minutes to make his rounds.

It's not going to take more
than a couple of seconds

to open that bread
box of old Klink's.

I can have anything photographed
in three minutes at the most.

This job's not
so tough after all.

As a matter of fact, it isn't.

Ah, Colonel Hogan,
Kommandant Klink

wants to see you in his office.

What's he want, Schultz?

I think he wants to talk to
you about his new secretary.

He has a new secretary?

General Burkhalter got her.

What's she look like, Schultz?

General Burkhalter.

It's his sister.

His sister.

Poor Klink.

She's doing a fine job.

Oh, sure, and
leading him to the altar.

No, it's all business.

She caught up with
most of the back work,

and she plans to
finish the rest tonight.

Tonight? How late do you think

she's going to be
working, Schultz?

At the rate she's going now,

she won't stop until
tomorrow morning.

Well, we can't let
her work that hard.

Colonel Klink is probably
worried about her health.

No, he's worried
about his health.

He's hiding in his office.

Let's get over there.

Sounds like an emergency.

All right.

Ah, Colonel Hogan,
come in, come in!

That's all, Schultz.

You can tell Mrs. Linkmeyer

that I will probably be in
conference all afternoon,

so she can take the
rest of the day off.

I told her that before,
Herr Kommandant,

but she will not leave.

Tell her it's an order.

Herr Kommandant,
she will not listen to me.

She has to be
told it is an order

by a man who gives orders.

All right, you tell her, Hogan.

That's a very good idea.

Schultz! Out!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Uh, Colonel?

I'd like to help you,
but I'd be the last one

to try to tell a Gestapo
agent to do anything.

Gestapo agent?

Hogan, I'm talking about
General Burkhalter's sister.

So am I.

How long do you think
she's been working for them?

You think she's really
a Gestapo agent?

You don't think she's
a secretary, do you?

No! Well, I think she's
General Burkhalter's idea

of somebody who'd
make me a wonderful wife.

It makes a good cover story.

But I still say the Gestapo
put her here as a spy.

But who's there to spy on?

Hogan...

you don't mean me?!

Naturally, they'd only be
interested in the top man,

just to see what he's up to.

Why would the Gestapo
want to check up on me?

Who knows?

I guess you don't
find out until your trial.

"Trial"? Hogan, I have an
unblemished military record.

Stalag 13 serves as
a model prison camp.

There's never been an escape.

There has never been any...

Don't tell me.

Tell her.

I have served my country
faithfully and courageously.

I won't even mention
the many acts of heroism

done without any
regard for personal safety!

Am I talking loud enough?

Gertrud isn't going to
be impressed by talk.

Unless it's accompanied
by soft music, champagne

and a candlelight
dinner for two.

I'd say one night should do it.

Do what? Whatever you said.

She'll be putty in your hands.

I don't want her to
be putty in my hands!

I don't want her even
sitting here in my office.

Now that you know she's
been put here to spy on you,

it'd be a good idea to make
sure she's on your side.

Remember, she is a woman.

Yes, an unmarried woman.

One date with her,
and General Burkhalter

would consider it a
marriage proposal.

That's the chance you're
going to have to take.

I don't have to
take any chances.

I'm an officer.

And a good one.

I'm going to miss you, Colonel.

Even if she is working
for the Gestapo,

what could she say against me?

Anything she wants to.

You know how it is
with a woman scorned.

I haven't scorned her.

You flatly refused

to take her to dinner tonight.

But, Hogan, that
would make it look

as if I had romantic intentions.

By tomorrow, General Burkhalter

would start printing
wedding invitations.

That's a problem.

But which song do you prefer...

"The Wedding March," or
"A Siberian Sleigh Ride"?

This is Colonel Klink
speaking, Frau Linkmeyer.

I would like to talk to
you about something,

if you have a moment...

my dear.

Watch the door, Kinch.

Hello, you chubby little rascal.

It's me again...

The nice man with the warm
hands and the short fingernails.

She'll be open in two shakes.

Better make that four shakes.

What's the trouble?

This lock is a little
more complicated

than the old one.

They've done something
to silence the tumblers.

But old Doctor Newkirk
has a cure for that.

What's that for?

This is a stethoscope, LeBeau.

Picks up the slightest sound.

So, if I could have
just a little quiet?

Carter, grab the phone.

Well, it can't be for me.

Nobody even knows I'm here.

Just pick up the phone and
say it's the wrong number.

I'm sorry.

You've got the wrong number.

Well, so what if you haven't
told me who you're calling yet.

No matter who you're calling,
you still got the wrong number

because I don't
even have a phone.

Carter!

What's that?

You think I'm being very rude?

Well, I didn't mean to be.

Well, maybe I was, but I
really didn't mean to be.

All right, go ahead and tell
me who you were calling.

Frieda Hoffman Friendship Club?

She really does have
the wrong number.

Well, I was trying to hang
up, but she wouldn't let me.

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Well, I didn't hang up on you.

I'm telling you the truth.

Well, I-I can't help it
if I sound like Frieda.

This is not a friendship club.

No, it's a prisoner of war camp.

That's right.

Who am I?

I'm a prisoner.

Now she's gonna think
I hung up on her again.

Wrap it up, will you?

The guard's heading
back this way.

We'll have to try
again tomorrow night.

Newkirk, you
think you can do it?

No trouble at all, sir.

Just keep Carter
off of that phone.

She called me.

I didn't call her.

Morning, Colonel.

Thought I'd stop in and
see how the evening went.

It couldn't have
gone better, Hogan.

I was at the top of my game.

Knew you would be, sir.

Please sit down.

Would you care for a cigar?

Oh, thanks. Good, good.

Oh, I was a delightful
dinner companion last night.

There was never any suggestion

of any romantic
intentions on my part.

Sounds like you
had the situation

well under control, sir.

Oh, completely.

I was a master of diplomacy.

Oh, last night, as we
were saying good-bye,

I could sense that I'd won

both her respect
and her admiration.

Well, you shouldn't
have a worry in the world

after your date tonight.

What date tonight?

Your date with Gertrud.

After this one, she'll
be putty in your hands.

She was supposed to
be putty after last night.

She was putty in my hands.

You want her to stay
that way, don't you?

Certainly I do,
but that doesn't...

This is the coup de
grace, the knockout punch.

You're fighting for your life.

She likes me.

You know how fickle
Gestapo agents are.

They're here today,
you're gone tomorrow.

But she was planning
to work tonight...

I don't care what she
was planning to do.

Who's running this camp?

You are.

I am.

You give the orders
here, right? Yes, I do.

Nobody's gonna tell you
what to do. No, they're not.

Get on that phone and make
a date with Gertrud right now.

Yes, I will.

How you doing, LeBeau?

All finished, Colonel.

Be careful, they're still damp.

Blimey, Hindmann's
really got some information.

Well, at least there's
nothing about our setup.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean...

Uh-oh.

The underground's
target for tomorrow night.

Krump Oil Refineries.

That calls for
an all-out attack.

The underground's
going to have every unit,

and the SS is going to be
waiting right there for them.

We'll just have to tell them

to call it off.

Right.

Kinch, contact the
underground immediately.

All right, Colonel.
Hold it, hold it.

Wait a minute.

The only SS troops in this area
are guarding the ammo supply.

If they pull them off for
the Krump oil refineries,

the ammo supply is
going to be wide open.

Then all we'd have
to do is switch targets.

It's not quite that simple.

Hindmann would know
of any change in plans.

We got to get him first.

How? We don't know
anything about him.

We know one thing... his voice.

Newkirk's got a good ear.

Think you could recognize
him if you heard him again?

I don't know.

I could try.

Try is all we need.

Let's go.

Lock the door.

Schnell.

Hello.

Bruno, this is Goldilocks.

You have a mission
set for tomorrow night?

Yes, and it's a big one.

Fine, good luck.

Let me speak to Gerber.

Gerber, this is Goldilocks.

Everything set for
tomorrow night?

Fine. Anything you need?

Good luck.

Let me speak to Friedloff.

Yes, Goldilocks?

Everything set for
tomorrow night?

It's going to be
a big one, isn't it?

Fine. Yeah, it's
going to be a surprise.

Anything you need?

Fine, let me talk to Christian.

Christian, Friedloff
is a Gestapo agent.

They know about your
plan for tomorrow night.

But here's a plan
they don't know about.

Come on.

I bet two gingersnaps.

I fold.

I'll call you,

but you've been
nibbling one of those.

I have not. Yes, you have.

Achtung!

You will turn out
the lights at once!

I call you, Carter.

Schultz, you'd better
get under the table.

Explosion is due any second.

Explosion?

The underground's
blowing up the ammo supply.

"The ammo supply."

With 1,000 SS men on guard,

they're going to blow
up the ammo supply.

They did blow up
the ammo supply!

No kidding.

You all knew it before
it even happened.

How-how, how did you know it?

Schultz, we know nothing,

we see nothing, we say nothing.

"We know nothing, we see
nothing, we say nothing."

Very good.

I have to remember that.

Hogan, this is your fault,
and you've got do something!

Take it easy, Colonel.

How can I, when suddenly Gertrud

is getting some very
funny, romantic ideas?

Well, what do you expect

after the big rush
you've been giving her?

That was your idea.
To save your neck.

Mm! Now the rest of
me is in trouble, too.

Tonight I'm invited over

for a very quiet,
home-cooked dinner.

That's bad.

And she doesn't call
me "Colonel" anymore.

Now she calls me Wilhelm.

That's terrible.

And what's worse,
General Burkhalter

calls me Wilhelm, too.

Now, he's called
me lots of things,

but never Wilhelm.

Oh, Wilhelm, I just wanted to...

Oh, I didn't know you were busy.

No, I was just leaving.

Hogan, you stay right
here until I tell you to go.

Yes, sir.

If you'd get a little
more sleep, Colonel,

you wouldn't be so cranky.

Hogan!

Fatigue

is what it is, Frau Linkmeyer.

Believe me, we were mighty happy

when Hilda took
the leave of absence.

She and the colonel
were quite a pair.

A pair of what?

Oh, I mean, work
all day, play all night.

I don't know how Colonel Klink

has held up this long.

Hogan, what are you...?

Butt out, Wilhelm!

So, Colonel Klink and Hilda

were running
around together, eh?

Among others.

I must say, his escapades

did give us something
to talk about.

"Casanova Klink," we called him.

With you here, he
won't be burning

the candle at both ends.

He can burn the
candle at both ends

and go up in flames
with it, for all I care!

I'm through!

Gertrud, what do you mean?

I mean you can get yourself
another playmate and secretary,

Casanova!

I quit!

Gertrud, wait.

Afraid she's gone, sir.

I'm afraid she has.

Hogan, it's in a
moment like this

when I'm sorry that you and
I are not on the same side.

Thank you, Colonel.

Believe me, a great
many moments,

I'm glad that you are.