Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 5 - Funny Thing Happened on the Way to London - full transcript

Schultz, everything ready?

Yes, Herr Kommandant,
as you ordered.

Good. Herr Kommandant,

shall I put the prisoners
into the barracks?

No, leave them alone.

I want them to
see who is arriving.

Especially Hogan.

Ooh, I understand.

No, you don't.

But that's nothing new.

If Blood and Guts drags
out the welcome mat,



it's got to be something.

And he's smiling.

When he's smiling, he's happy.

When is he happy?

When he's being
a sneak. Correct.

That's an RAF officer.
A group captain, at least.

Now, why are they taking
him to special quarters?

Yes, there's something going on.

Yeah, who is he?

Don't worry, Colonel,

we'll find out for you.
Yeah, we're going to...

Don't you worry about it.

We'll work day and night, sir.

We'll find out.



All right, all right.

Hold it. Hold it.

I appreciate your spirit,
but don't waste your time.

I already know who it is.

It's Group Captain
James Roberts,

an important RAF officer
and a good friend of mine.

Now, let's find out why

he's getting the VIP treatment.

To a successful mission.

And to the elimination
of the number one enemy

of the Third Reich,
Winston Churchill.

And Himmler will
settle for nothing less

than perfection itself.

Of course, Major.

Now, if I were in
his place, I would...

Fortunately for
Germany, you are not.

Now, is everything
crystal clear?

Major, it cannot fail
because it is simplicity itself.

Exactly.

I knew you would understand
anything simple, Klink.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Now, I believe
that it would be...

Colonel Klink, Colonel Hogan
has requested to see you.

By all means, let him come in.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Our fish is
nibbling at the bait.

My fish. Colonel Klink.

Yes, Hogan, what
is it, what is it?

You have a new prisoner,

Group Captain
James Roberts, RAF.

I want to see him.

He wants to see the prisoner.

That's not surprising.

That's not surprising.

Of course, now that
I've made the request,

I'm sure you'll deny it.

He says we'll deny it.

We will?

We will?

As senior officer
here, I'm entitled to talk

to any new prisoner
brought into this stalag,

and you know it.

If I'm not allowed to see him,

it'll be in direct violation

of the Geneva Prisoner
of War Convention,

and I'll make a formal complaint

to the Red Cross and
the protecting power.

Very well, you may
see the prisoner.

You may see the prisoner.

And believe me,
when word gets back

to the big boys on our side,

you'll see what
happens to Ger...

What did you say?

I said you may see the prisoner

anytime you like.

There you are, Hogan.

Your request has been granted.

You guys ought to
give me a little notice

when you're going to
do something decent.

Really? Yeah.

I faint very easily.

I went along on a recon
mission over the French coast

to have a look at
their fortifications.

That's when they got you?

Mm. Right.

Two Messerschmitts came
up and had a proper go at us,

and blasted our port engine.

I had to bail out,

and I hadn't a
prayer on the ground.

They nabbed me straightaway.

How long were you in Stalag 9?

Oh, roughly two months, I'd say.

They behaved decently
enough, for Jerries,

but still jolly strenuous.

Interrogation?

Days of it; weeks, in fact.

They never gave me
a moment of privacy.

They took pictures of me,

they recorded my voice
while they questioned me.

Recorded your voice... why?

I haven't the foggiest, old boy.

But you know the
way the Krauts are...

They're sticklers for detail.

Never miss a trick.

Yeah, I know.

Hogan, what are you doing?

Oh, nothing.

Just stretching.

Well, um, how are you getting on

here in Stalag 13?

Oh, deliriously happy.

I must say it's a rather
grubby-looking place.

I did ask for a P.O.W.
camp on the French Riviera,

but they couldn't
get me a reservation.

It seems they, uh, they
were all full up for the season.

"All full up for the season."

Heh, that's jolly good.

Our little plan seems
to be going well.

Our little plan?

Ah, the Gestapo is most
efficient, I always say.

Thank you, Klink.

Now be quiet.

Well, Robbie, I guess
I'll be going along.

Well, awfully decent
of you to stop by.

I'll try to stop by
again tomorrow

if the Krauts let me.

Jolly good. So long.

Krauts are up to something big,

and I think it may involve you.

What did they question
you about at Stalag 9?

Everything.

They know I'm on Air
Marshal Tittle's staff,

RAF liaison with
the War Council;

that I attend briefings
they give Sir Winston.

Very convenient.

They fell all over themselves

giving me permission
to see you, and alone.

Again, why?

That's anybody's guess.

Time to stop
guessing and find out.

Robbie... I can't believe
he'd have anything to do

with killing Churchill.

He said it himself... He
can get near Churchill.

The Krauts are
treating him very nicely.

I think he sold out.

Him collaborate with the Nazis?

That man over there is British.

Not Robbie.

I'm sorry, Newkirk,
we've got to consider it.

Even if he was involved,

why transfer him to Stalag 13?

The Krauts had him
on ice at Stalag 9.

Colonel.

Colonel, there's something
going on in Klink's office.

I had the bug tuned in,
and I heard them talking.

It sounds important.

And so far, every
detail of our plan

has worked beautifully.

Yes, beautifully.

Major, I've been
through a good deal

in the last few months
without being told anything.

They've got Roberts in there.

Oui, and he's making
noises like one of them.

Now I should like to know...
Exactly what is my mission?

You have been chosen to kill

the greatest enemy we
Germans have in this war...

Winston Churchill.

Voilà. The sellout.

No, he won't do it.

Right, sir, not one of our lads.

Major... I am honored.

That bleedin' traitor.

Hold it.

Oh, I, too, am honored.

I mean, I'm honored
to be part of this.

Group Captain Roberts

has the highest
security clearance.

He is frequently near Churchill

when the British
War Council meets.

On one of those occasions,
you will shoot him.

And please, don't miss him.

I mean, the major has
gone through a lot of trouble

to set this up.

This has been very expensive.

You will be flown from
here to the Belgian coast.

There you will take a small
boat across the channel...

The final leg of your miraculous
escape from the Germans.

I understand, sir.

And when does the major leave?

Not when, but how
is most important.

For purposes of
your cover story,

you will ask Colonel Hogan
to help you escape from here.

The Commandant will make
sure you are not caught in the act.

Very ingenuous.

Major Hochstetter,

there has never been

a successful escape
from Stalag 13.

Now, you're destroying
a brilliant record.

We can destroy
Stalag 13's record here,

or your own brilliant record

will come to an end
on the Russian front,

about ten minutes
after you arrive there.

Your choice.

I think you're going to
have a marvelous escape.

Good luck. Thank you, sir.

All right, Klink.

Bring in our guest.

Fraulein Hilda,
send in our guest.

In heaven's name...?!

Group Captain Roberts,
Leutnant Baumann.

Group Captain.

He could be my twin.

In a way, he is.

He is.

A double.

Those twisters!

C'est pas croyable!

They can't do that.

It's illegal.

Fantastic!

They do wonders
with plastic surgery.

I have this friend in
Dusseldorf, a Mrs. Schrenk,

charming woman, slight
sag around the chin,

well, you know how it is.

Anyway, she phoned
this certain Dr. Halstrocker,

now, he advised her...

Not now, Klink.

This is monstrous.

He certainly looked a
great deal like you to start,

but the surgeons have
done a remarkable job, no?

The pictures.

That's why you took
those pictures of me.

Yes, indeed, Group Captain.

From the beginning,
it's been rather a lark.

Uh, jolly good fun, actually.

He's even imitated my voice.

Of course... the recordings.

Colonel, how'd
they get the double

in the camp without
us seeing him?

That's what I'd like to know.

They could've sneaked
him in any night.

We're supposed to know

everything that
goes on around here.

That's what I thought.

Well, I am satisfied.

So am I.

I am glad.

I don't think we need detain

Group Captain Roberts
any longer, Colonel.

Oh, of course not, Major.

We shall move you to slightly
less comfortable quarters,

but much more,
shall I say, uh...

uh, colorful?

Whatever it is you're planning,

you won't get away
with it, I promise you that.

Guard!

Carter, outside.

See where they take him.

Back on the double.

Right, Colonel.

Now, there remains
one important test,

the real reason you
were brought here.

Today you will move into
Captain Roberts' quarters.

Then you will ask
to see your friend,

Colonel Hogan.

And he must believe
that I am Roberts.

Exactly.

They were very good friends

when Hogan was
assigned to the RAF.

If you can deceive him, you
are ready for your mission.

And I think he can do it, Major.

There is one final detail.

This was developed

by the Gestapo Section A.

It is carried strapped
to the forearm so...

Under the tunic, of course...

And fired by muscular action.

Well, that is
certainly can't-miss.

When he shakes
hands with Churchill,

he fires the gun.

There's a shot that'll be
heard round the world.

Colonel, can't we stop it?

I mean, that's Winnie
they're talking about blasting.

Well, we can notify London...

Sure, then they'll
grab the assassin

before he can do any harm.

That's it, kids, warm
up the tubes a bit.

But it won't save Roberts.

The Krauts can't afford

to have two Captain
Roberts running around.

So they'll kill the
real one, huh?

Five minutes after
the phony takes off.

Can't we spring Roberts?

How?

We haven't got a chance.

That's about all we
do have is one chance.

They put Roberts
in the cooler, sir.

Do we still have a branch
tunnel leading in there?

Yes, it connects with
the emergency tunnel.

Well, let's get him out tonight.

We can't move
Roberts until we're sure

we have his double stopped.

No problem there, sir.

You just give me
one of our guns,

and I'll put a nice little
hole right between his eyes.

That might not stop him,
but it'll slow him down a bit.

Great. Great.

And then the Gestapo
stops us with a firing squad.

Sir, we just can't let them
have a shot at old Winnie.

I'm with you, Newkirk.

I mean, the war wouldn't
be the same without him.

Ah, you got it!

Come on, Colonel,
it's your turn!

Let's go. Let's go, coach.

Let's go.

Hi. Very nice.

We checked the tunnel
that goes into the cooler.

First-class conditions, sir.

No cave-ins anywhere.

Use it anytime you want.

Good.

Hey, you know,
maybe after the war,

we ought to get a
job digging tunnels.

Yeah, we can go from jail
to jail, charge by the foot.

Use the money to
pay your psychiatrist.

I don't need a psychiatrist.

Yes, it may be a
little late, at that.

Hogan!

Yeah, Schultz?

Captain Roberts
wants to see you.

All right. Did you
check it with Klink first?

Ja, Commandant Klink says

you can have ten
minutes with the prisoner.

Ten minutes?!

Oh, come on, Schultz.

Hardly long enough
to eat a chocolate bar.

20 minutes?

Eat slowly.

Hey, Schultz.

Come on.

LeBEAU: Come on,
Schultzy. Throw one up.

Come on, throw
one up. Here we go.

Come on, Schultzy.

Come on...

Escape? Right.

I have no idea

what the Jerries
have in mind for me.

I'd rather take my chances.

This is not just
an ordinary Stalag.

There's never been
a successful escape.

Well... perhaps I can,
uh, reverse the trend.

A perfect no escape record.

Now, if all the stalags
in Germany could...

Klink, you're blowing
up like a pouter pigeon.

Listen.

It'll take us weeks to
dig a tunnel for you.

No, no, that's out
of the question.

I want to do this rather
the simple, direct way.

Robbie, you're dealing

with the toughest
commandant in Germany.

Behind that stupid
expression, there's a monster.

Look, I didn't have
a chance to tell you

when you were last here,

but...

I managed to bring
a pair of wire cutters

from Stalag 9.

You just go out and cut
the wire and get away?

Exactly.

The Huns won't expect
anything so bold and simple.

It just might work,

if we insured it
with a diversion.

Jolly good idea.

A diversion would help.

I'll have one of my
boys start something

at the other end of camp.

Should draw the
Krauts away from you.

Excellent. That'll give
me a fighting chance.

Look, should we
lay it on for tonight?

Good, 9:00.

That's when they
change the guards.

They're a little disorganized.

Righto.

Well, how can I ever
thank you, Hogan?

When you get to England,
give my regards to Churchill.

Churchill.

Oh, yes, of course, Old Winnie.

Yes, I'll do that.

Perfect! It's going
like clockwork.

We must have a car waiting

to take Baumann to the airfield.

Oh, I'll arrange that.

You can depend on me, Major.

I will arrange it.

I'd rather depend on me.

Well, now that you mention it,

so would I.

All right, stick
to the schedule,

and it should work.

Well, what if
anything goes wrong?

Don't be afraid to use them.

Car's waiting on the road, sir.

German efficiency.

There are two goons
in the front seat.

All right, Kinch,
Newkirk, move out.

Right, sir. Right.

Boy, I miss all the action.

Stop complaining.

This whole operation
depends on you.

You all set?

Sure, I cook while
everybody else fights a war.

I'll see that de Gaulle
gives you an oak leaf cluster

and a crepe suzette. Now move.

Sir, I want you to
meet your replacement.

Oh.

Time to go home,
sir. The bus is waiting.

Oh, jolly good.

There you go.

I think he's gaining weight.

All set?

We'll go through the window.

Halt!

Leutnant Baumann?

There they are!

Moving toward the wire.

Has the guards been alerted?

The men guarding
the wire have been told

to look the other way.

Sergeant Schultz is watching

the Englander in the cooler.

I have taken care of everything.

Excellent, Klink.

Leutnant Baumann...

Speak in English, you fool.

I'm Group Captain
James Roberts, RAF.

Yes, sir.

All right, let's get on with it.

Ooh.

Potato pancakes.
I made some extra.

Let me get a few to the captain.

It's against order!

Nobody goes in there.

Oh, come on, Schultzy.

You're not supposed
to be out of the barracks!

You're not supposed to be here.

You're not supposed
to go in there.

Okay, you win.

Wait a minute. Shh.

Don't be so hasty.

Come on, hurry it up, Robbie.

You said there'd be
a diversion... when?

Don't worry. Cut, cut.

Captain...

Captain, one of the prisoners
has a surprise for you.

Hello, Captain.

Captain?

That's not Captain Roberts.

He must have sneaked out.

I bet he's trying to escape.

Ooh, we're in trouble.

Where would he go?

Try the wire near the main gate.

Right.

How did you know?

If I was going to escape,
that's where I would go.

Okay.

Keep the pancakes warm.

Aha! Halt!

I caught you in time!

Don't shoot, comrade!

Put your hands up. They got us.

So, Captain Roberts, huh?

Hauptman Roberts.

Leutnant Baumann...

Leutnant Baumann?

Don't listen to him, Schultz.

English officers
are very clever.

He's trying to confuse you.

Give up, Robbie. You're
going to get us shot.

Better lock him up.
He's dangerous, Schultz.

I demand to see
Major Hochstetter.

Put him back into the cooler.

If he tries anything, shoot him.

I'll report you to
the commandant.

Come on!

Want me to come along, Schultz?

Yes, it would be very nice.

Especially when you were
trying to help him to escape.

March!

Ja? Ja? How-How long?

Excellent, excellent.

Good work.

Ja. Heil Hitler.

The airfield reports that
Baumann-alias-Roberts took off

for Belgium five minutes ago.

Oh, marvelous news, Major.

Congratulations

to both of us. Both of us?

Well, I'd like to feel I
had a small part in it.

Yeah, very small.

In your report to the
Gestapo, could you possibly...?

Herr Kommandant!
Not now, Schultz.

Could you possibly...?
Herr Kommandant!

I am reporting

that I captured the prisoner

who was trying to escape.

That's true.

Obviously, the diversion.

Yes, of course, the diversion.

I'd like to make a confession.

Sergeant Schultz
gets full credit.

All right, Hogan,
some other time.

In your report, Major,
please mention my name. I...

If I do something
wrong, it's no good.

If I do something right,
it's no good, either.

Well, don't worry, Schultz.

I'll see that you get full
credit for the capture.

Oh, you're nice, Colonel Hogan.

You might be my enemy,

but sometimes, you
are also my friend.

Look at it this way, Schultz.

If you got me as a friend, you
don't really need an enemy.

Thank you.

Anytime, Schultz. Anytime.

Ah, Major, here's your prisoner.

So, Sergeant Schultz,

you caught Group
Captain Roberts, huh?

Good work, Sergeant.

I am not Group Captain Roberts.

I am Leutnant Baumann.

He keeps saying that.

If you are Leutnant
Baumann, then speak German.

What was your mission?

Winston Churchill...

Oh, this can't be!

And I just had the report

that the Englishman
then crossed the Channel

early this morning
protected by the Luftwaffe.

Klink, I will mention
you in my report!

But I don't understand. I...

You're a very clever adversary,

Colonel Hogan.

My congratulation.

Thanks.

Hogan!

Well, don't blame me.

I didn't know his
arm was loaded.