Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 4 - Sergeant Schultz Meets Mata Hari - full transcript
A Gestapo female operative tries to lure secrets out of Sergeant Schultz.
Hammelburg has been chosen
as the ideal location
for the new factory...
Proximity to Dusseldorf
and a good supply of power.
An excellent choice,
Major Hochstetter.
I'm so glad you approve.
This plant will produce
a new high-velocity,
armor-piercing shell.
This is top secret.
The entire area around here,
including Stalag
13, must be secure.
And so it is.
It is not!
In the last year,
there have been more acts
of sabotage around this camp
than any other place
in Germany. Why?
But there has never been
a successful escape
from Stalag 13.
You keep saying that, Yes.
But it is not an answer
to my question. No.
But the Gestapo
will get the answer.
Send in Colonel Hogan.
Gentlemen. You sent
for me, Commandant?
I sent for you, Hogan.
Major Hochstetter has been
conducting an investigation.
Hogan, in the last 12 months,
in the area here, three
bridges have been blown up,
two trains destroyed, a
research laboratory destroyed,
a small arms factory burnt down,
and at least 12 officers
and men of the Wehrmacht
have disappeared completely.
How would you explain this?
Just hasn't been a good year.
Hogan, all of these acts of
sabotage have taken place
within a short distance
of this camp. Why?
Search me.
That, Colonel Hogan,
is exactly what
I intend to do...
Search you and
every inch of Stalag 13.
Well, gentlemen, if that's all,
I'll be on my way.
You are most anxious
to get out of here.
Well, if there's
gonna be a search,
I don't know about you guys,
but I've got things to hide.
Major, your boys
are ruining the place.
Right. It was an eyesore
before he started.
You're making a
bleedin' wreck out of it.
I think I like it
better as a wreck.
Our genial landlord
isn't gonna be happy.
Go right ahead, Major.
Hey, what are doing
with my mattress?
Hey, leave it alone!
You're ruining it.
I'm reporting this
to the Red Cross.
Aha.
The first piece of evidence.
Hey, that's mine!
Easy, Carter, easy.
Ah! That's of no interest.
Depends on how long
you've been away from home.
Aha.
It's hollow under this stove.
There's a tunnel there.
Impossible.
Of course.
That's a terrible
place for a tunnel.
Who put a tunnel here?
LeBeau.
I'm sorry, Colonel.
I lost the beat.
Klink, see to it that
this man is punished.
Two days in
solitary confinement.
Give him three days
and some music lessons.
Aha!
That appears to be
a homemade radio.
Yes, a radio.
Most ingenious.
Is this what you use
to receive messages
from outside?
No comment.
Answer the Major's questions.
Never mind.
"Sorry, no radio."
Klink, you are the
Commandant here.
Do you allow this sort of thing?
The men responsible
for this will be confined
to barracks for two weeks.
That's cruel and
inhuman punishment.
Klink, a German officer
has been insulted.
All potato rations are
cut in half for ten days.
That's a terrible thing to do.
Do you consider this
adequate punishment,
Commandant?
The Ping-Pong
tournament is canceled.
Now, that's the
worst blow of all.
We have turned
the place inside out
and found nothing.
That alone is suspicious.
The Commandant of Stalag 13...
He doesn't know anything?
Fraulein, you've
asked the question
and answered it
at the same time.
No, I am convinced
that the only way
we will get the information
is by working from the inside.
I agree.
Fraulein Mueller,
you are one of the
most experienced agents
we have in the
Geheimstaatspolizei.
I am relying on you.
I will do my best, Herr Major.
Now, this man is one of
the guards at Stalag 13.
It is possible he
has information
without even knowing he has it.
Your mission is to
gain his confidence,
get him interested
in you, make him talk.
It should not be too difficult.
This one looks stupid.
Why not? He studied
under Colonel Klink.
Wine, bitte.
Danke.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Danke, Lieutenant.
Not Lieutenant. Sergeant.
Ah, but still a leader of men.
Who? Me?
A leader of men and a,
uh, charmer of women.
Charmer of...
women?
Nobody ever called me
that, not even my mother.
But sometimes mothers
don't know their children.
Mine did.
Whenever I came into
the house, she hit me.
You were a naughty boy.
No, just because I was there.
Tell me about it, Lieutenant.
Uh-uh, not
lieutenant... Sergeant.
Sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
If you would know me
better, you would realize...
Ooh.
Oh, blimey.
If I cook, why
should I be on KP?
You're closest to the kitchen.
Excuse me.
From the underground, sir.
"Sending Kirk. Usual place.
23:00 hours."
All right, Carter, Newkirk,
go out and bring him in
through the tunnel.
Right. Right.
Let's hope Kirk has
the information we want.
Yeah, I'd like to know
why Major Hochstetter
suddenly is so interested
in little old Stalag 13.
High-velocity shells.
That is our
information, Colonel.
They have brought the
workers from as far as Berlin.
Security. That accounts for
the Gestapo being so jumpy.
They gave us a
right old going over.
They almost tore my
picture of Rita Hayworth.
Well, they did.
Once they start production,
they'll tighten
security even more.
I'd like to get a shot at it
before they get underway.
It is about a mile from
town on the north side.
The road is here.
That looks like a tough one.
Gonna use demolition packs, sir?
I don't know.
What's on this
side of the building?
Storage.
Detonators for the
high-velocity shells,
explosives and oil for
the factory machines.
If we blew that, the
whole plant would go up.
They could never stop it.
Okay. Now, if we can
get into the woods...
They have patrols.
They always do, but, if
we can get close enough
to toss a couple
of hand grenades
into the side of the building,
Fourth of July'll be
a little early this year.
It'll be great, huh?
Carter, how we
fixed for grenades?
Are you kidding?
I got about six of
the most beautiful
potato mashers you've ever seen.
Carter...
Anytime you're ready, boy.
Sir.
Okay, that's it.
Unless anybody has any
better ideas, that's the plan.
Just one thing missing...
We need a nice little diversion.
What'd you have in mind, sir?
We need something to
lead the Krauts away from us.
And from our people, too.
Let's take another
look at that map.
Hey, that smells great, LeBeau.
I love potato soup.
Potato soup. That's
ragu, you idiot.
Oh. Back where I come from,
ham and eggs are a delicacy.
♪ Guten Abend,
guten Abend to you. ♪
The door.
Ah, the door.
♪ I close the door ♪
♪ I close the door. ♪
Pretty happy tonight, Schultz.
Why not?
I was dancing,
dancing, dancing...
Who with?
Corporal Langenscheidt?
Nein. With my Eva in town, ah.
Everybody stopped to watch us.
They had to.
There was no room left to dance.
Oh, what a beautiful
couple we made.
Beauty and the Beast.
♪ Ra, ra, ra, ra ♪
♪ La, la... ♪
Ooh, you ought to fix
the hole in the ground.
Someone might fall
in and hurt himself.
Yeah, we'll get
around to it, Schultz.
♪ Ra, ra, ra, ra... ♪
Ah, the moon and the stars,
and the stars and the moon.
Ah, guten Abend, my
friends, and schlafen Sie gut.
♪ And pleasant dreams ♪
♪ Schlafen Sie gut ♪
♪ And pleasant... ♪
He seems depressed.
Schultz dancing?
In war, anything can happen.
But not that.
For Pete's sake,
he didn't even
notice the tunnel.
Yeah, he's round the bend.
I think I'll have a talk
to Schultz tomorrow.
I'm a little concerned.
Why, Colonel?
I think Schultz is in love.
Schultz?
A little present from the boys.
Ooh, Amerikanisch
cigarette for me?
Trade 'em in for a castle
on the Rhine if you want.
Danke, nein.
I'm going to smoke
them on my date tonight.
Another date? The same girl?
Of course. I'm no butterfly.
Sounds serious.
Where'd you meet her?
At the hofbrau.
She let me pick her up.
Old irresistible Schultz.
You son of a gun.
I had just got a haircut,
and I must have
smelled very good.
Yeah. That's why you've
been so happy lately, huh?
Colonel Hogan,
I think I'm in love.
Love is for civilians, Schultz.
Is, uh... is it local talent?
No. She's new in town.
Oh, that's the best kind.
Pretty?
Probably a big
fan of the Fuhrer's.
Yeah, she thinks
Hitler is a great man.
Yeah, that figures.
She know you're
stationed out here
at old Casa Klink?
Oh, yeah, and she's so nice.
She's interested
about everything.
She asks so many questions.
Mm-hmm. That is nice.
Where are you
taking her tonight?
To the hofbrau,
where we always go.
Good, good.
Well, good luck, Schultz.
Danke.
And remember, all
the world loves a lover.
Oh, is that so?
Well, I'm not sure.
It's been so long
since I've been one.
♪ Ra, ra-ra, ra-ra... ♪
I was right.
The blimp is in love.
With another blimp?
Good-looking woman.
Brand-new in town.
She keeps asking questions
about what's going on here.
Gestapo.
Even money bet.
We may be able to use her.
Carter? Mm-hmm.
You're going into town tonight.
I am? To the hofbrau.
I want you to find
out what you can
about Schultz's girlfriend.
Why me?
Well, you look
more like a German
than the rest of us.
Well, that's a fine thing
for an officer to say
about an enlisted man.
That really is.
Any trouble?
No, fine. Good, good.
LeBEAU: Hi.
What'd you find out?
Well, I followed them
after they left the hofbrau.
They were holding hands.
It was kind of cute, you know?
Then Schultz kissed
her good night.
And then Schultz wanted
to do some more kissing,
but I don't think she wanted to.
You know how girls
are sometimes...
Carter.
Yeah.
Well, after Schultz
left, I followed her.
And guess where she went?
Right into Gestapo
Headquarters in Hammelburg.
I knew it.
That's good enough for me.
Leave it to Schultz.
Falls for Poor slob. a phony.
This could work out very nicely.
Newkirk, we need some Gestapo
uniforms for the underground.
Good as done, sir.
LeBeau. Yeah?
Tell Kinch to get on the radio.
I need Kurt here for a briefing
soon as possible.
Right, Colonel.
What's the plan?
Try to blow that factory
and lay it back on the Gestapo.
Nonsense. You mean to tell me
this is the most information
you could receive?
Schultz is sergeant of
the guard at Stalag 13.
Are you trying to tell me
he doesn't know what's
going on in his own camp?
In my opinion, there is nothing
to be gained from this contact.
I am not interested in
your opinion, Fraulein.
Schultz is our only lead.
You will continue to see him,
and you will make every effort
to gain information from him.
Understood?
Understood, Herr Major.
How's it going with
the girlfriend, Schultz?
She seems to like me,
but I'm not getting
anywhere with her.
So, I go into town
to get her a present.
Maybe she's just shy.
So am I, but I fight it.
I don't understand women.
Nobody does, Schultz,
until they're married,
and then it's too late.
I know.
You know, women like anything
that's... unusual,
different, mysterious.
What's so mysterious about me?
This is it.
Say, you might tell her
that you work for
counterintelligence.
You're a captain
in the Gestapo...
Something like that.
Ja. When we first met,
she called me Lieutenant.
See? She's an easy sale.
When are you going
to see her again?
Tomorrow night at the hofbrau.
Captain of Counterintelligence.
You think she actually
would believe me?
Look, love is blind.
If you're lucky, it's also deaf.
Maybe I try it.
But I hate to
tell a lie to a girl.
Why not? Everybody else does.
Tallyho, lover.
Thank you, Colonel.
All right, the fix is in.
We move tomorrow night.
Uniforms going to be ready?
They are, sir.
Kinch, get on the radio to Kurt
and give him the word.
Right, Colonel.
The old barrage balloon
looks a bit worried.
You would be too, if
you were just made
a captain in
counterintelligence.
You are not talking very much.
You don't seem to be
yourself tonight, darling.
I'm not myself.
I'm somebody else.
Really?
Captain Felix Schaufhausen,
Gestapo Counterintelligence.
What?
It's hard to believe, isn't it?
Captain Felix Sch-ch...
A-Are you serious?
Gestapo is always serious.
Why didn't you
tell me this before?
I didn't know it
myself until yesterday.
I mean, I mean, I didn't decide
to tell you until yesterday.
Well, what are you doing
in this sergeant's uniform?
Just counterintelligizing.
This is very interesting.
It, uh, puts our relationship
on a different basis.
Ja, Eva? Oh, that's won...
Sergeant Hans Schultz,
Fraulein Eva Mueller,
you are under arrest.
Wh... Us? What are
you talking about?
You will come with us
to Gestapo Headquarters.
You must be mistaken.
We were just sitting
here having a little wine
and telling a few lies.
You have been under
observation for weeks,
trying to get military
information from this man.
From me? I don't know
any military information.
All right, I will go
to Gestapo
Headquarters with you.
But I warn you,
you will regret this.
Take her to the car.
If she makes a move
to escape, use your gun.
I will take care of this man.
Sh-Sh-She is a spy?
Unquestionably.
Shh... and I told her I'm a spy.
Please, please let me go.
I'm loyal to the Fuhrer.
I'm loyal to anyone.
Well...
I'm stationed at Stalag 13.
You can get me there anytime,
night and day, 24-hour service.
All right. Use the rear door.
Go immediately to Stalag 13.
Danke!
Report to your
commanding officer...
Full details.
Jawohl!
Heil Hitler!
Oh, absolutely.
Heil Hitler.
Can you imagine,
Colonel Hogan? A spy!
That's what I've
always said, Schultz.
You can't trust
women in wartime.
In peacetime, either.
I also said that.
They took her to Gestapo
Headquarters, huh?
For questioning.
Well...
if they want you to report
to the commandant's
office, Schultz,
you'd better do it.
Please, Colonel Hogan,
could you come with me?
Me? Why?
You could tell them
I was interested in the
spy for kissing purposes.
I don't want to get involved.
This is an inter-Kraut matter.
Please, Colonel Hogan.
Oh, all right.
I'll see what I can do.
Wait for me by the
commandant's office.
Danke.
LeBeau.
Yeah?
Watch the door. Right.
Carter. Yeah.
Got the grenades?
All set, Colonel.
Good. Newkirk?
Yes, sir.
Kinch.
Right.
All right, wait until
you're in position.
You know what to do.
Right, sir.
Is your identification in here?
Would you mind
if I borrow it, luv?
Mmm!
Mmm, you're a real
darling, you are. Ta-ta.
Let's go, let's go.
Right.
LeBeau, keep your
eyes on Mata Hari, eh?
Oui, mon Colonel.
What are your orders
in case of trouble?
Don't worry; she can't hurt you.
She's tied up.
And how long did
you know this woman?
Almost two weeks,
Herr Kommandant.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
And were you romantically
involved with her?
I fall in love very fast.
It's war, sir.
Everything's speeded up.
Silence!
We have only your word for this.
He's telling the truth, Major.
He came to me for advice.
Schultz, why didn't you come
to your commanding officer?
You know my door is always
open when my men have problems.
I needed good advice.
Herr Kommandant, I mean,
you are so busy with the war.
Schultz, you dummkopf.
You talked about
Stalag 13 to a stranger?
I don't have many friends.
You're a fool.
And what's worse, you're
a fool's idea of a fool.
Yes, sir.
Schultz, I'm going
to break you for this.
I will have you march your
post for the rest of the war.
You can't blame him, sir,
for falling into the
hands of a spy.
I'm going to blame anybody...
"Spy"?
You will march your
post in the next war, too.
Colonel, the woman is not a spy.
Eva Mueller is
one of our agents.
Her mission is to check
security in Stalag 13.
But Herr Major, the
Gestapo arrested her.
What?
I gave no such orders.
Nobody tells him anything.
Ready? One, two, three.
The new factory was
blown up? Sabotaged?
No.
Burning out of
control? Completely...
Heil Hitler.
Oh, what a shame.
How is this possible?
It's possible, Major.
One of the guards
found a handbag
near the factory.
Oops.
It contained identification
for Fraulein Eva Mueller,
member of the Gestapo.
Don't look now, Major,
but your Mata Hari is showing.
Obviously, Schultz's
girlfriend is a double agent.
No, no.
Major Hochstetter!
You would do very well
to protect your own security
instead of worrying
about Stalag 13.
I will find that woman
if I have to turn
Germany inside out!
I'll deal with you later.
Eh, Herr Kommandant, please.
Silence!
Take it easy on him, Colonel.
All he did was go out
with a girl a couple of times.
That's right.
Besides, the
Gestapo's off your back.
All right.
I'll, uh, overlook it this time.
Danke.
He's all heart.
And you will not fall
in love with anybody
until this war is over.
That's an order, understood?
Understood.
Don't worry, Schultz.
You won't have long to wait.
We'll have you Germans
whipped in no time.
I certainly hope you're right.
Schultz!
Now, tomorrow night,
this kind gentleman's
going to take you out of here,
and you'll be on your way
to a nice P.O.W.
camp in England.
You'll have company
all the way, Fraulein.
And if you make
one little mistake,
you'll miss the Gestapo
reunion picnic after the war.
Compris?
Compris.
How's it going, hot lips?
Colonel Hogan, I would like
to thank you for helping me.
Everything's taken
care of, Colonel.
Thanks, LeBeau.
What does he mean by that?
Oh, he's just doing his part
to keep you away from women.
But will women
keep away from me?
I have nothing to worry about.
as the ideal location
for the new factory...
Proximity to Dusseldorf
and a good supply of power.
An excellent choice,
Major Hochstetter.
I'm so glad you approve.
This plant will produce
a new high-velocity,
armor-piercing shell.
This is top secret.
The entire area around here,
including Stalag
13, must be secure.
And so it is.
It is not!
In the last year,
there have been more acts
of sabotage around this camp
than any other place
in Germany. Why?
But there has never been
a successful escape
from Stalag 13.
You keep saying that, Yes.
But it is not an answer
to my question. No.
But the Gestapo
will get the answer.
Send in Colonel Hogan.
Gentlemen. You sent
for me, Commandant?
I sent for you, Hogan.
Major Hochstetter has been
conducting an investigation.
Hogan, in the last 12 months,
in the area here, three
bridges have been blown up,
two trains destroyed, a
research laboratory destroyed,
a small arms factory burnt down,
and at least 12 officers
and men of the Wehrmacht
have disappeared completely.
How would you explain this?
Just hasn't been a good year.
Hogan, all of these acts of
sabotage have taken place
within a short distance
of this camp. Why?
Search me.
That, Colonel Hogan,
is exactly what
I intend to do...
Search you and
every inch of Stalag 13.
Well, gentlemen, if that's all,
I'll be on my way.
You are most anxious
to get out of here.
Well, if there's
gonna be a search,
I don't know about you guys,
but I've got things to hide.
Major, your boys
are ruining the place.
Right. It was an eyesore
before he started.
You're making a
bleedin' wreck out of it.
I think I like it
better as a wreck.
Our genial landlord
isn't gonna be happy.
Go right ahead, Major.
Hey, what are doing
with my mattress?
Hey, leave it alone!
You're ruining it.
I'm reporting this
to the Red Cross.
Aha.
The first piece of evidence.
Hey, that's mine!
Easy, Carter, easy.
Ah! That's of no interest.
Depends on how long
you've been away from home.
Aha.
It's hollow under this stove.
There's a tunnel there.
Impossible.
Of course.
That's a terrible
place for a tunnel.
Who put a tunnel here?
LeBeau.
I'm sorry, Colonel.
I lost the beat.
Klink, see to it that
this man is punished.
Two days in
solitary confinement.
Give him three days
and some music lessons.
Aha!
That appears to be
a homemade radio.
Yes, a radio.
Most ingenious.
Is this what you use
to receive messages
from outside?
No comment.
Answer the Major's questions.
Never mind.
"Sorry, no radio."
Klink, you are the
Commandant here.
Do you allow this sort of thing?
The men responsible
for this will be confined
to barracks for two weeks.
That's cruel and
inhuman punishment.
Klink, a German officer
has been insulted.
All potato rations are
cut in half for ten days.
That's a terrible thing to do.
Do you consider this
adequate punishment,
Commandant?
The Ping-Pong
tournament is canceled.
Now, that's the
worst blow of all.
We have turned
the place inside out
and found nothing.
That alone is suspicious.
The Commandant of Stalag 13...
He doesn't know anything?
Fraulein, you've
asked the question
and answered it
at the same time.
No, I am convinced
that the only way
we will get the information
is by working from the inside.
I agree.
Fraulein Mueller,
you are one of the
most experienced agents
we have in the
Geheimstaatspolizei.
I am relying on you.
I will do my best, Herr Major.
Now, this man is one of
the guards at Stalag 13.
It is possible he
has information
without even knowing he has it.
Your mission is to
gain his confidence,
get him interested
in you, make him talk.
It should not be too difficult.
This one looks stupid.
Why not? He studied
under Colonel Klink.
Wine, bitte.
Danke.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Danke, Lieutenant.
Not Lieutenant. Sergeant.
Ah, but still a leader of men.
Who? Me?
A leader of men and a,
uh, charmer of women.
Charmer of...
women?
Nobody ever called me
that, not even my mother.
But sometimes mothers
don't know their children.
Mine did.
Whenever I came into
the house, she hit me.
You were a naughty boy.
No, just because I was there.
Tell me about it, Lieutenant.
Uh-uh, not
lieutenant... Sergeant.
Sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
If you would know me
better, you would realize...
Ooh.
Oh, blimey.
If I cook, why
should I be on KP?
You're closest to the kitchen.
Excuse me.
From the underground, sir.
"Sending Kirk. Usual place.
23:00 hours."
All right, Carter, Newkirk,
go out and bring him in
through the tunnel.
Right. Right.
Let's hope Kirk has
the information we want.
Yeah, I'd like to know
why Major Hochstetter
suddenly is so interested
in little old Stalag 13.
High-velocity shells.
That is our
information, Colonel.
They have brought the
workers from as far as Berlin.
Security. That accounts for
the Gestapo being so jumpy.
They gave us a
right old going over.
They almost tore my
picture of Rita Hayworth.
Well, they did.
Once they start production,
they'll tighten
security even more.
I'd like to get a shot at it
before they get underway.
It is about a mile from
town on the north side.
The road is here.
That looks like a tough one.
Gonna use demolition packs, sir?
I don't know.
What's on this
side of the building?
Storage.
Detonators for the
high-velocity shells,
explosives and oil for
the factory machines.
If we blew that, the
whole plant would go up.
They could never stop it.
Okay. Now, if we can
get into the woods...
They have patrols.
They always do, but, if
we can get close enough
to toss a couple
of hand grenades
into the side of the building,
Fourth of July'll be
a little early this year.
It'll be great, huh?
Carter, how we
fixed for grenades?
Are you kidding?
I got about six of
the most beautiful
potato mashers you've ever seen.
Carter...
Anytime you're ready, boy.
Sir.
Okay, that's it.
Unless anybody has any
better ideas, that's the plan.
Just one thing missing...
We need a nice little diversion.
What'd you have in mind, sir?
We need something to
lead the Krauts away from us.
And from our people, too.
Let's take another
look at that map.
Hey, that smells great, LeBeau.
I love potato soup.
Potato soup. That's
ragu, you idiot.
Oh. Back where I come from,
ham and eggs are a delicacy.
♪ Guten Abend,
guten Abend to you. ♪
The door.
Ah, the door.
♪ I close the door ♪
♪ I close the door. ♪
Pretty happy tonight, Schultz.
Why not?
I was dancing,
dancing, dancing...
Who with?
Corporal Langenscheidt?
Nein. With my Eva in town, ah.
Everybody stopped to watch us.
They had to.
There was no room left to dance.
Oh, what a beautiful
couple we made.
Beauty and the Beast.
♪ Ra, ra, ra, ra ♪
♪ La, la... ♪
Ooh, you ought to fix
the hole in the ground.
Someone might fall
in and hurt himself.
Yeah, we'll get
around to it, Schultz.
♪ Ra, ra, ra, ra... ♪
Ah, the moon and the stars,
and the stars and the moon.
Ah, guten Abend, my
friends, and schlafen Sie gut.
♪ And pleasant dreams ♪
♪ Schlafen Sie gut ♪
♪ And pleasant... ♪
He seems depressed.
Schultz dancing?
In war, anything can happen.
But not that.
For Pete's sake,
he didn't even
notice the tunnel.
Yeah, he's round the bend.
I think I'll have a talk
to Schultz tomorrow.
I'm a little concerned.
Why, Colonel?
I think Schultz is in love.
Schultz?
A little present from the boys.
Ooh, Amerikanisch
cigarette for me?
Trade 'em in for a castle
on the Rhine if you want.
Danke, nein.
I'm going to smoke
them on my date tonight.
Another date? The same girl?
Of course. I'm no butterfly.
Sounds serious.
Where'd you meet her?
At the hofbrau.
She let me pick her up.
Old irresistible Schultz.
You son of a gun.
I had just got a haircut,
and I must have
smelled very good.
Yeah. That's why you've
been so happy lately, huh?
Colonel Hogan,
I think I'm in love.
Love is for civilians, Schultz.
Is, uh... is it local talent?
No. She's new in town.
Oh, that's the best kind.
Pretty?
Probably a big
fan of the Fuhrer's.
Yeah, she thinks
Hitler is a great man.
Yeah, that figures.
She know you're
stationed out here
at old Casa Klink?
Oh, yeah, and she's so nice.
She's interested
about everything.
She asks so many questions.
Mm-hmm. That is nice.
Where are you
taking her tonight?
To the hofbrau,
where we always go.
Good, good.
Well, good luck, Schultz.
Danke.
And remember, all
the world loves a lover.
Oh, is that so?
Well, I'm not sure.
It's been so long
since I've been one.
♪ Ra, ra-ra, ra-ra... ♪
I was right.
The blimp is in love.
With another blimp?
Good-looking woman.
Brand-new in town.
She keeps asking questions
about what's going on here.
Gestapo.
Even money bet.
We may be able to use her.
Carter? Mm-hmm.
You're going into town tonight.
I am? To the hofbrau.
I want you to find
out what you can
about Schultz's girlfriend.
Why me?
Well, you look
more like a German
than the rest of us.
Well, that's a fine thing
for an officer to say
about an enlisted man.
That really is.
Any trouble?
No, fine. Good, good.
LeBEAU: Hi.
What'd you find out?
Well, I followed them
after they left the hofbrau.
They were holding hands.
It was kind of cute, you know?
Then Schultz kissed
her good night.
And then Schultz wanted
to do some more kissing,
but I don't think she wanted to.
You know how girls
are sometimes...
Carter.
Yeah.
Well, after Schultz
left, I followed her.
And guess where she went?
Right into Gestapo
Headquarters in Hammelburg.
I knew it.
That's good enough for me.
Leave it to Schultz.
Falls for Poor slob. a phony.
This could work out very nicely.
Newkirk, we need some Gestapo
uniforms for the underground.
Good as done, sir.
LeBeau. Yeah?
Tell Kinch to get on the radio.
I need Kurt here for a briefing
soon as possible.
Right, Colonel.
What's the plan?
Try to blow that factory
and lay it back on the Gestapo.
Nonsense. You mean to tell me
this is the most information
you could receive?
Schultz is sergeant of
the guard at Stalag 13.
Are you trying to tell me
he doesn't know what's
going on in his own camp?
In my opinion, there is nothing
to be gained from this contact.
I am not interested in
your opinion, Fraulein.
Schultz is our only lead.
You will continue to see him,
and you will make every effort
to gain information from him.
Understood?
Understood, Herr Major.
How's it going with
the girlfriend, Schultz?
She seems to like me,
but I'm not getting
anywhere with her.
So, I go into town
to get her a present.
Maybe she's just shy.
So am I, but I fight it.
I don't understand women.
Nobody does, Schultz,
until they're married,
and then it's too late.
I know.
You know, women like anything
that's... unusual,
different, mysterious.
What's so mysterious about me?
This is it.
Say, you might tell her
that you work for
counterintelligence.
You're a captain
in the Gestapo...
Something like that.
Ja. When we first met,
she called me Lieutenant.
See? She's an easy sale.
When are you going
to see her again?
Tomorrow night at the hofbrau.
Captain of Counterintelligence.
You think she actually
would believe me?
Look, love is blind.
If you're lucky, it's also deaf.
Maybe I try it.
But I hate to
tell a lie to a girl.
Why not? Everybody else does.
Tallyho, lover.
Thank you, Colonel.
All right, the fix is in.
We move tomorrow night.
Uniforms going to be ready?
They are, sir.
Kinch, get on the radio to Kurt
and give him the word.
Right, Colonel.
The old barrage balloon
looks a bit worried.
You would be too, if
you were just made
a captain in
counterintelligence.
You are not talking very much.
You don't seem to be
yourself tonight, darling.
I'm not myself.
I'm somebody else.
Really?
Captain Felix Schaufhausen,
Gestapo Counterintelligence.
What?
It's hard to believe, isn't it?
Captain Felix Sch-ch...
A-Are you serious?
Gestapo is always serious.
Why didn't you
tell me this before?
I didn't know it
myself until yesterday.
I mean, I mean, I didn't decide
to tell you until yesterday.
Well, what are you doing
in this sergeant's uniform?
Just counterintelligizing.
This is very interesting.
It, uh, puts our relationship
on a different basis.
Ja, Eva? Oh, that's won...
Sergeant Hans Schultz,
Fraulein Eva Mueller,
you are under arrest.
Wh... Us? What are
you talking about?
You will come with us
to Gestapo Headquarters.
You must be mistaken.
We were just sitting
here having a little wine
and telling a few lies.
You have been under
observation for weeks,
trying to get military
information from this man.
From me? I don't know
any military information.
All right, I will go
to Gestapo
Headquarters with you.
But I warn you,
you will regret this.
Take her to the car.
If she makes a move
to escape, use your gun.
I will take care of this man.
Sh-Sh-She is a spy?
Unquestionably.
Shh... and I told her I'm a spy.
Please, please let me go.
I'm loyal to the Fuhrer.
I'm loyal to anyone.
Well...
I'm stationed at Stalag 13.
You can get me there anytime,
night and day, 24-hour service.
All right. Use the rear door.
Go immediately to Stalag 13.
Danke!
Report to your
commanding officer...
Full details.
Jawohl!
Heil Hitler!
Oh, absolutely.
Heil Hitler.
Can you imagine,
Colonel Hogan? A spy!
That's what I've
always said, Schultz.
You can't trust
women in wartime.
In peacetime, either.
I also said that.
They took her to Gestapo
Headquarters, huh?
For questioning.
Well...
if they want you to report
to the commandant's
office, Schultz,
you'd better do it.
Please, Colonel Hogan,
could you come with me?
Me? Why?
You could tell them
I was interested in the
spy for kissing purposes.
I don't want to get involved.
This is an inter-Kraut matter.
Please, Colonel Hogan.
Oh, all right.
I'll see what I can do.
Wait for me by the
commandant's office.
Danke.
LeBeau.
Yeah?
Watch the door. Right.
Carter. Yeah.
Got the grenades?
All set, Colonel.
Good. Newkirk?
Yes, sir.
Kinch.
Right.
All right, wait until
you're in position.
You know what to do.
Right, sir.
Is your identification in here?
Would you mind
if I borrow it, luv?
Mmm!
Mmm, you're a real
darling, you are. Ta-ta.
Let's go, let's go.
Right.
LeBeau, keep your
eyes on Mata Hari, eh?
Oui, mon Colonel.
What are your orders
in case of trouble?
Don't worry; she can't hurt you.
She's tied up.
And how long did
you know this woman?
Almost two weeks,
Herr Kommandant.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
And were you romantically
involved with her?
I fall in love very fast.
It's war, sir.
Everything's speeded up.
Silence!
We have only your word for this.
He's telling the truth, Major.
He came to me for advice.
Schultz, why didn't you come
to your commanding officer?
You know my door is always
open when my men have problems.
I needed good advice.
Herr Kommandant, I mean,
you are so busy with the war.
Schultz, you dummkopf.
You talked about
Stalag 13 to a stranger?
I don't have many friends.
You're a fool.
And what's worse, you're
a fool's idea of a fool.
Yes, sir.
Schultz, I'm going
to break you for this.
I will have you march your
post for the rest of the war.
You can't blame him, sir,
for falling into the
hands of a spy.
I'm going to blame anybody...
"Spy"?
You will march your
post in the next war, too.
Colonel, the woman is not a spy.
Eva Mueller is
one of our agents.
Her mission is to check
security in Stalag 13.
But Herr Major, the
Gestapo arrested her.
What?
I gave no such orders.
Nobody tells him anything.
Ready? One, two, three.
The new factory was
blown up? Sabotaged?
No.
Burning out of
control? Completely...
Heil Hitler.
Oh, what a shame.
How is this possible?
It's possible, Major.
One of the guards
found a handbag
near the factory.
Oops.
It contained identification
for Fraulein Eva Mueller,
member of the Gestapo.
Don't look now, Major,
but your Mata Hari is showing.
Obviously, Schultz's
girlfriend is a double agent.
No, no.
Major Hochstetter!
You would do very well
to protect your own security
instead of worrying
about Stalag 13.
I will find that woman
if I have to turn
Germany inside out!
I'll deal with you later.
Eh, Herr Kommandant, please.
Silence!
Take it easy on him, Colonel.
All he did was go out
with a girl a couple of times.
That's right.
Besides, the
Gestapo's off your back.
All right.
I'll, uh, overlook it this time.
Danke.
He's all heart.
And you will not fall
in love with anybody
until this war is over.
That's an order, understood?
Understood.
Don't worry, Schultz.
You won't have long to wait.
We'll have you Germans
whipped in no time.
I certainly hope you're right.
Schultz!
Now, tomorrow night,
this kind gentleman's
going to take you out of here,
and you'll be on your way
to a nice P.O.W.
camp in England.
You'll have company
all the way, Fraulein.
And if you make
one little mistake,
you'll miss the Gestapo
reunion picnic after the war.
Compris?
Compris.
How's it going, hot lips?
Colonel Hogan, I would like
to thank you for helping me.
Everything's taken
care of, Colonel.
Thanks, LeBeau.
What does he mean by that?
Oh, he's just doing his part
to keep you away from women.
But will women
keep away from me?
I have nothing to worry about.