Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 3 - D-Day at Stalag 13 - full transcript
To help the Allied invasion at Normandy, Hogan convinces the Germans that Klink has been promoted to Chief of Staff.
Hogan.
A bit of a dirty trick,
flying you to London
for an hour of being
a free man and then
dropping you back at Stalag 13.
It breaks up the day, sir.
You're a good man.
You can guess what this is.
D day, sir?
D day.
And forget you saw it.
Now, I can't tell
you the exact date,
even to tell you this
much had to be cleared
at the highest level
of intelligence...
The old man himself...
But the date will be soon.
It's been a long
time coming, sir.
A long time, and we don't want
any mistakes, not on our part.
Yes, sir.
Of course, we could use
a few mistakes from Jerry,
and that's why
you're here, Hogan.
You'll have a drink?
No, thanks, sir.
Well, don't mind if I do.
Now, the German General
Staff knows something is up.
They're meeting tomorrow
to plan their strategy.
That we know for a fact.
That's very good
intelligence, sir.
And we know more.
Our bombers have pounded
just about every spot in Germany
they've used for
a meeting place.
So they're going where
they don't think we'll follow...
Stalag 13.
You're going to bomb us?
It's been brought up.
And rejected.
Which is where
you come in, Hogan.
Sit down.
Hogan, you have quite a
reputation for the offbeat,
the bizarre, and
for bringing it off.
I have a good crew, sir.
And you're going to need them.
Now... sometime, in
the next very few days,
the greatest amphibious
force in history
is going to hit the
coast of France.
And when it does,
we need, desperately,
some indecision from the Germans
before they react.
Now, Hogan, we want
nothing less from you
than to tie up the
German General Staff.
Can you do it?
I must say, sir,
it's quite a challenge.
That's good enough.
The means, we'll
leave up to you.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, and just one more thing.
Our informant will
also be at Stalag 13.
She's the wife of
General von Scheider,
German Chief of Staff.
That's a pretty good informant.
Well, yes and no.
You see, we planted
her years ago,
before she married von Scheider,
and, after that, we
lost contact with her.
Deliberately. Too risky.
Well, now there's no
reason to hold back.
This is it.
Use her if you can, Hogan.
But remember, she's been
away from us a long time.
Don't trust her completely,
unless you have to.
Yes, sir.
Good luck, old man.
Thanks, sir.
Carry on.
Up, up, up, up, up, up!
Everybody up!
I must have your
immediate attention!
What's going on?
I have a very important
announcement to make.
All prisoners are
confined into the barracks
until further notice.
All prisoners are
confined into the barracks
until further notice.
And any prisoner found
not in the barracks
will be shot.
Hey, get the white gloves.
Hey, what happened
to you, Schultz?
You look just like a soldier.
Herr Kommandant
informed me personally
that Stalag 13 is the
most important spot
of all of Germany.
Why?
He did not tell me,
but he wanted me
to be sure that Colonel Hogan...
Where is Colonel Hogan?
Where should he be?
Right here!
If he's not here, I would
like to know where he is.
I think I would like
to know where he is.
Where is Colonel Hogan?
Why don't you take a look
in his office, Schultz?
I will!
Is he in there?
No, but by that time,
he may be out here.
I demand to kno...
Shh... don't tell me.
Colonel Hogan!
Colonel Hogan!
Hogan, where are you?!
Hi.
How's it going?
Welcome home, Colonel.
Colonel Hogan!
Somebody call my name?
Colonel Hogan,
where have you been?
I have strict orders
from Commandant Klink
that nothing out of
the way should happen
in the next several days.
That everything has to be...
Something wrong, Schultz?
I see nothing.
Hey, how was it?
What happened
in London, Colonel?
Did you get a
chance to visit Ginger?
Goes anywhere,
anytime, day or night.
If you think my commanding
officer would do...
All right, hold it, hold it.
Small talk later.
We got work to do.
The German Army General Staff
is due here in
less than an hour.
You're kidding.
Straight stuff.
Here?
I'll design my greatest bomb.
No violence.
Psychological warfare.
Who does the best Hitler?
Audio or visual?
On the phone.
Kinch.
No doubt about it. Kinch?!
Yes, Kinch does the best.
All right, all
right. It's all set.
Now, this is so big...
I-I can't tell you what it is.
D day.
Coming, sir, coming.
Just one moment.
Welcome, General...
Hogan!
What are you doing here?
I left strict orders.
Any prisoners found
outside the barracks
would be shot.
I just came through the tunnel.
There's an entrance
in your outer office.
Schultz! Sergeant Schultz!
Report to me on the double!
Something up, sir?
I'm going to have you escorted
back to your barracks at once.
Schultz!
Telephone, sir.
I don't have time to listen
to the telephone! Schultz!
I'll get it. No!
Hello?
Colonel Klink?
Yes, yes, yes.
This is General Borneman,
calling from Bergtesgarten.
Oh, General Borneman, I beg
your pardon, General Borneman.
This is a recording of
the voice of the Fuhrer
being played for
all the colonels
in the German army.
Are you listening?
Sir, I'm listening, I'm
listening with all my being.
Did you call me,
Herr Kommandant?
Schultz, be quiet!
To all colonels,
the war goes poorly.
Why?
Because my generals
cannot follow orders!
Because, from the
chief of staff down,
they put themselves before
the genius of the Fuhrer.
Therefore, I shall
teach them a lesson.
I shall seek out and find
the most incompetent colonel
in the entire German army...
But one who can follow orders.
He shall be my
new chief of staff.
Together, we shall
sweep on to glorious victory
for the fatherland.
I have spoken!
Bad news from home, sir?
Incredible news, Hogan.
The Fuhrer is
looking for the most
incompetent colonel
in the Germany Army,
to make him his
new chief of staff.
Marvelous! Congratulations!
Hogan!
With my record...
Why, they've even
chosen Stalag 13
as the meeting place
for the General Staff.
The General Staff.
What am I to say to
General von Scheider?
Tell him 20 prisoners
have escaped
and you're right in the running.
Uh-huh, uh-huh...
Hogan! I can't do that.
Schultz, take him
back to his barracks
and see to it that
he stays there.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
If you change your mind, sir,
just take the guards
off the south tower
for five minutes, we'll
make you a big man.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
I'll let you know.
Schultz! Out with him!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Herr Kommandant, were I
in your favorable position...
Out!
Well, and here we are.
I do hope that you find
my quarters satisfactory.
Herr General, Frau von Scheider.
Yes, it will do.
Now, as you can see,
I myself live in Spartan
bachelor simplicity.
They will do,
Klink, they will do.
Herr General, thank you.
The staff is
waiting for me, Lilli.
I shall manage, Karl.
Uh, Herr General,
shall we go to my office?
I shall go.
Of course, of course.
I wouldn't think of intruding.
Good.
I'll be back soon, Lilli.
Good-bye, Karl.
Herr General.
Frau von Scheider.
If you are trying
to escape, Colonel,
you will need a much
better sense of direction.
It's adequate, thanks.
But there is something
else you can help me with.
Oh?
And why should I help you?
Because I know who
you are and what you are.
Who told you?
Never mind.
What's important now is how
up-to-date is your information?
I wouldn't know.
You are my first contact
in over three years.
It was for your own protection.
I didn't need protection,
I needed contact.
Have you any idea
what happens to a
woman in three years?
He loves me, you know.
Yet you kept
sending information.
With no reply! None!
Look, whatever the past
three years have been,
what matters to me is now.
I'm working on a plan to
immobilize the General Staff.
I'm making them
think that Hitler
is replacing von Scheider
with the most incompetent
colonel in the Wehrmacht,
just to bring the army to heel.
How bizarre.
I'm noted for that.
The colonel that's
taking his place is Klink,
which makes it
even more bizarre.
But you are a prisoner of war.
How can you make
such things happen?
That's why I need the help.
They told me not to
get in touch with you
unless I had to, and I had to.
Now, are you in or out?
After all this time,
I am to help with
this crazy scheme
which has no
possibility of realization?
It's up to you.
For laughs... yes.
Thanks.
You'll have a million.
How do I look, Colonel?
Like a Boy Scout
with a mustache,
but you're all we've got.
Schultz's here.
What'll I do? Stay here.
If we can't fool Schultz,
we can't fool anybody.
Colonel Hogan.
Colonel Hogan, have
you heard the latest?
You know I don't
spread rumors, Schultz.
This is a definite rumor.
There is a Gestapo
major coming into camp
to check on Commandant
Klink's efficiency...
For the office
of chief of staff.
Ah, come off it, Schultzy.
I swear!
It's the most efficient
checkup of inefficiency
in the history of Germany.
And we, humph, we are
a very efficient people.
Where'd you hear it?
Well, it...
W-W-Who-Who-Who...?
Aha!
Fraternizing with
the prisoners, is it?
Giving them valuable
military information, is it?
Aha!
Silence!
This confirms exactly
what these men had told me.
This is the worst run prisoner-of-war
camp in all of Germany.
That's bad, sir?
That's good...
for Klink's chances of
promotion to chief of staff.
Oh, that's good.
That's bad.
He will be replaced by someone
who will send bumblers
like you to the Russian front!
That's very bad.
Cheer up, Schultz.
It's only a rumor.
Klink?!
Impossible.
Good-bye, Lilli.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Now, we were discussing...
General von Scheider, not Klink.
You've heard the rumors then.
My sincerest sympathy.
Frau von Scheider
told me at lunch.
The wives always
know first, somehow.
And the Gestapo is already here.
Apparently the chances
of Klink look very good.
General, my father was a general
of the German
army, as was yours.
We have roots, tradition.
We will not stand
for this humiliation
at the hands of an
Austrian corporal.
General von Scheider stays.
Who speaks for the true Germany?
All for one and one for all.
Colonel Klink...
Kommandant Klink!
Oh... Major, at
your service, sir.
Major Lindenfelder from Berlin.
Uh-huh.
Checking.
Checking, yes, sir.
I trust that everything
is in perfect order?
Miserable.
Miserable, hmm. Is
that bad or is it good?
So far, you are getting
my highest failing marks
in everything. Come.
No, no, no, please.
The General Staff
is meeting in there.
So? Oh!
One could be here and...
May I inquire the
meaning of this?
The Gestapo never gives
answers, just questions.
The major's just checking.
You presume, Major, to break
in on the Army General Staff?
Out!
I take orders only
from the Fuhrer.
Not from has-beens.
Has-beens.
I was a general when you
were still living in the gutter.
Now, gentlemen, gentlemen.
Why, there is much to
be said on both sides.
I feel that...
Oh, am I intruding?
I can come back.
Out! Out!
Stay.
Stay.
Klink, I thought all prisoners
were to remain in barracks.
Major Lindenfelder, I gave
the strictest instructions
to... Mm-hmm.
Another black mark, Klink.
I feel terrible.
Klink, you have compiled
a perfect inefficiency rating.
I think the Fuhrer has
found a new chief of staff.
It was nothing.
Nothing?
That is the word for it.
Major, you can tell Berlin
that the General
Staff is united and firm.
They're not accepting
this humiliation.
And that is final!
Final?
Uh-huh.
And you, General Bruner,
you are putting yourself
in defiance of Herr Hitler?
He is.
I have my duty as
a German soldier.
Of course, uh, obedience
to orders is a part of duty.
Bernhart...
And you, General von Katz?
I am sure, if the Fuhrer
truly understood the situation,
his well-known sense
of fair play would...
von Katz!
Uh-huh.
You may expect a phone
call in a matter of hours.
Yes, sir, a phone call.
General Klink.
Sounds right... General Klink.
Stalag 13.
I'm sorry, he's still in a
staff meeting, General.
He's taking no calls.
Stalag 13.
General Rommel.
Is that the General Rommel?
They're jamming, Colonel.
The BBC... they're blocking out
all the German
radar installations
between Le Havre and Dunkirk.
That's it... D day.
They'll be hitting the
beaches in a couple of hours.
Guess we better get
started, huh? Right.
Colonel, the woman is outside.
Frau von Scheider?
She came down
through the entrance
in Klink's quarters on her own.
I found her wandering
in the tunnels.
Oh. I'm sorry to come
here, but I had to see you.
All right, what is it?
The plan will not work.
My husband...
von Scheider has
managed to rally them.
He is holding them to their
word as German officers.
They will not step down,
even if they are convinced
the order comes
from Hitler himself.
You let us worry about that.
Now you are to stay with him.
Keep him off balance,
keep him from checking it out.
But it will not work.
I have been his
wife for three years.
I know him.
That's another thing.
We have orders to get
you back to England.
Your assignment in
Germany is finished.
They want to start using
what you've learned.
Just like that?
I am to pick up and to leave?
Maybe you'd rather stay?
No.
But I am a human being.
Surely you can understand that.
Right now, I've got time to
understand just one thing.
We've got a thousand
ships crossing the channel,
ready to hit the French
beaches, and I've got work to do.
LeBeau, get her
to Klink's office.
Right, sir.
We're going to make a phone
call to there in five minutes.
You may be right
about von Scheider.
But we're betting the other way.
Yes.
Bergtesgarten.
Von Scheider?
Von Scheider, put
Klink on the phone, now.
The Fuhrer wishes
to speak to you.
Me?
Yes, mein Fuhrer.
Are you able to
follow orders, Klink?
Oh, I love to follow
orders, mein Fuhrer.
Almost any orders,
especially your orders.
You are my new
Army Chief of Staff.
Do not make a move
without my permission.
Is that clear?
Perfectly. Thank you, sir.
I shall do my best to justify
the great confidence
you've shown in me.
Shut up and put on von Scheider.
Shut up and put on
von Scheider. Yes, sir.
Are you there, von Scheider?
Ja, mein Fuhrer.
Tell me, do you
remember what happened
to the last chief
of staff before you?
I believe he shot
himself, Fuhrer.
He was allowed to shoot himself!
With you, I am going
to be much more lenient.
You will succeed Klink as
kommandant of Stalag 13.
Kommandant of Stalag 13?
Are you there, von Scheider?
Did you hear me?
Ja, mein Fuhrer, I heard.
And I just want to say...
thank you.
Thank you, mein Fuhrer.
Two American airborne divisions
parachuted into Normandy.
1:11 a.m. That's
a half hour ago.
Vivéz les Americains.
Colonel, it's von
Roenstadt's headquarters.
They insist on talking
to General von Scheider.
Rommel's headquarters.
They're trying to get through.
All right, this is it.
From now on,
all calls in or out,
go direct to Klink's quarters.
All calls?
If we can't trust Klink
to do the right thing,
who can we trust?
Another toast to the
new Chief of Staff.
Ja, ja. General Klink.
General Klink.
I will drink to that.
Herr Kommandant!
Excuse me, please!
Herr Kommandant!
Oh, I mean, Herr Chief of Staff!
General von Roenstadt
himself is calling from France.
He insists on speaking with
General von Scheider at once.
Well, I suppose the news
has not yet reached him.
Excuse me.
Thank you, Schultz.
My dear von Roenstadt,
this is your new
Army Chief of Staff
Wilhelm Klink speaking.
Now, General von Scheider is...
What?
They're doing what?
Those barbarians!
They're invading France.
Yes, sir?
Reinforcements?
New panzer divisions?
You want me to...?
General Roenstadt, I
shall have to call you back.
What shall I do?
Where's the assault?
Normandy.
A feint, a diversion.
The main blow
will come at Calais.
You are wrong. Le Havre.
Le Havre. I still insist.
But what shall I do? I mean...
Ah! General von Scheider.
The Allies are invading.
What shall I do?
Have you seen Lilli?
Where could she be at this hour?
Please, General von Scheider!
Herr Chief of Staff, please!
General Rommel's headquarters.
And light divisions are
landing on the beaches.
I'm not here!
Her small suitcase is gone.
All right, all right. I'll
get her another one.
But what am I going to do?
The Panzer Lehr and the
12th S.S. Panzer Division
should be brought up.
Only if this is not a feint.
Permission to move
panzers can only be given
personally by Hitler.
The very thing!
Hitler! Call him.
I have been relieved.
General Bruner, you call him.
It's not my place.
Von Katz?
No, thank you.
You see, it's all up to
you, General von Scheider.
I'm going to look for Lilli.
Please, General
von Scheider, I...
Schultz, you call him.
Yes, Herr Chief of Staff.
What shall I call him?
All right.
Get me Bergtesgarten,
the Fuhrer's headquarters.
It's very urgent.
What time does he go to bed?
Hello.
General Borneman?
This is Klink, speaking.
Army Chief of Staff Klink.
I suppose I could call
myself General Klink,
but until the papers
come through...
What?
K-L-I... never mind.
Did you know that we
were being invaded?
Yes, Normandy.
They are coming
ashore like locusts.
So if you'll just ask the Fuhrer
what he wants me to do, I'll...
Hmm?
Klink. K-L-I-N-K.
The new Army Chief of Staff.
No, I'm not drunk!
Yes, of course
I've been drinking,
but an Army Chief of
Staff does not get drunk.
You just ask him... Huh?
He's in bed?
He left strict orders
not to be disturbed?
Well, an order is an
order, General Borneman,
so if you will just
be kind enough
to bring it to his attention
in the morning, I would...
General Borneman?
General Borneman...?
I think we've been cut off.
Shall I try to get
him back, sir?
No!
What shall we do?
We must do something.
Yes, we must do something.
More champagne?
That's it, Colonel.
I just told London
that Jerry won't be moving
any reinforcements for awhile.
Good.
Colonel, I'd like to
volunteer for service
with the invading forces.
Request denied.
Although I know how you feel.
Right now, I want you
to take Frau von Scheider
to her rendezvous
with the submarine.
She's headed for England.
C'est la guerre.
Good-bye.
So long.
And good luck.
Your papers, ma'am.
Oh, thank you.
It was a brilliant
operation, Colonel.
Bizarre, but brilliant.
Have a safe trip.
Thank you.
Good-bye.
Uh...
Any farewell messages?
No, because I
leave no one behind.
Good-bye.
Colonel?
What did she mean by that?
Carter, when you're
older, you'll understand.
A bit of a dirty trick,
flying you to London
for an hour of being
a free man and then
dropping you back at Stalag 13.
It breaks up the day, sir.
You're a good man.
You can guess what this is.
D day, sir?
D day.
And forget you saw it.
Now, I can't tell
you the exact date,
even to tell you this
much had to be cleared
at the highest level
of intelligence...
The old man himself...
But the date will be soon.
It's been a long
time coming, sir.
A long time, and we don't want
any mistakes, not on our part.
Yes, sir.
Of course, we could use
a few mistakes from Jerry,
and that's why
you're here, Hogan.
You'll have a drink?
No, thanks, sir.
Well, don't mind if I do.
Now, the German General
Staff knows something is up.
They're meeting tomorrow
to plan their strategy.
That we know for a fact.
That's very good
intelligence, sir.
And we know more.
Our bombers have pounded
just about every spot in Germany
they've used for
a meeting place.
So they're going where
they don't think we'll follow...
Stalag 13.
You're going to bomb us?
It's been brought up.
And rejected.
Which is where
you come in, Hogan.
Sit down.
Hogan, you have quite a
reputation for the offbeat,
the bizarre, and
for bringing it off.
I have a good crew, sir.
And you're going to need them.
Now... sometime, in
the next very few days,
the greatest amphibious
force in history
is going to hit the
coast of France.
And when it does,
we need, desperately,
some indecision from the Germans
before they react.
Now, Hogan, we want
nothing less from you
than to tie up the
German General Staff.
Can you do it?
I must say, sir,
it's quite a challenge.
That's good enough.
The means, we'll
leave up to you.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, and just one more thing.
Our informant will
also be at Stalag 13.
She's the wife of
General von Scheider,
German Chief of Staff.
That's a pretty good informant.
Well, yes and no.
You see, we planted
her years ago,
before she married von Scheider,
and, after that, we
lost contact with her.
Deliberately. Too risky.
Well, now there's no
reason to hold back.
This is it.
Use her if you can, Hogan.
But remember, she's been
away from us a long time.
Don't trust her completely,
unless you have to.
Yes, sir.
Good luck, old man.
Thanks, sir.
Carry on.
Up, up, up, up, up, up!
Everybody up!
I must have your
immediate attention!
What's going on?
I have a very important
announcement to make.
All prisoners are
confined into the barracks
until further notice.
All prisoners are
confined into the barracks
until further notice.
And any prisoner found
not in the barracks
will be shot.
Hey, get the white gloves.
Hey, what happened
to you, Schultz?
You look just like a soldier.
Herr Kommandant
informed me personally
that Stalag 13 is the
most important spot
of all of Germany.
Why?
He did not tell me,
but he wanted me
to be sure that Colonel Hogan...
Where is Colonel Hogan?
Where should he be?
Right here!
If he's not here, I would
like to know where he is.
I think I would like
to know where he is.
Where is Colonel Hogan?
Why don't you take a look
in his office, Schultz?
I will!
Is he in there?
No, but by that time,
he may be out here.
I demand to kno...
Shh... don't tell me.
Colonel Hogan!
Colonel Hogan!
Hogan, where are you?!
Hi.
How's it going?
Welcome home, Colonel.
Colonel Hogan!
Somebody call my name?
Colonel Hogan,
where have you been?
I have strict orders
from Commandant Klink
that nothing out of
the way should happen
in the next several days.
That everything has to be...
Something wrong, Schultz?
I see nothing.
Hey, how was it?
What happened
in London, Colonel?
Did you get a
chance to visit Ginger?
Goes anywhere,
anytime, day or night.
If you think my commanding
officer would do...
All right, hold it, hold it.
Small talk later.
We got work to do.
The German Army General Staff
is due here in
less than an hour.
You're kidding.
Straight stuff.
Here?
I'll design my greatest bomb.
No violence.
Psychological warfare.
Who does the best Hitler?
Audio or visual?
On the phone.
Kinch.
No doubt about it. Kinch?!
Yes, Kinch does the best.
All right, all
right. It's all set.
Now, this is so big...
I-I can't tell you what it is.
D day.
Coming, sir, coming.
Just one moment.
Welcome, General...
Hogan!
What are you doing here?
I left strict orders.
Any prisoners found
outside the barracks
would be shot.
I just came through the tunnel.
There's an entrance
in your outer office.
Schultz! Sergeant Schultz!
Report to me on the double!
Something up, sir?
I'm going to have you escorted
back to your barracks at once.
Schultz!
Telephone, sir.
I don't have time to listen
to the telephone! Schultz!
I'll get it. No!
Hello?
Colonel Klink?
Yes, yes, yes.
This is General Borneman,
calling from Bergtesgarten.
Oh, General Borneman, I beg
your pardon, General Borneman.
This is a recording of
the voice of the Fuhrer
being played for
all the colonels
in the German army.
Are you listening?
Sir, I'm listening, I'm
listening with all my being.
Did you call me,
Herr Kommandant?
Schultz, be quiet!
To all colonels,
the war goes poorly.
Why?
Because my generals
cannot follow orders!
Because, from the
chief of staff down,
they put themselves before
the genius of the Fuhrer.
Therefore, I shall
teach them a lesson.
I shall seek out and find
the most incompetent colonel
in the entire German army...
But one who can follow orders.
He shall be my
new chief of staff.
Together, we shall
sweep on to glorious victory
for the fatherland.
I have spoken!
Bad news from home, sir?
Incredible news, Hogan.
The Fuhrer is
looking for the most
incompetent colonel
in the Germany Army,
to make him his
new chief of staff.
Marvelous! Congratulations!
Hogan!
With my record...
Why, they've even
chosen Stalag 13
as the meeting place
for the General Staff.
The General Staff.
What am I to say to
General von Scheider?
Tell him 20 prisoners
have escaped
and you're right in the running.
Uh-huh, uh-huh...
Hogan! I can't do that.
Schultz, take him
back to his barracks
and see to it that
he stays there.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
If you change your mind, sir,
just take the guards
off the south tower
for five minutes, we'll
make you a big man.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
I'll let you know.
Schultz! Out with him!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Herr Kommandant, were I
in your favorable position...
Out!
Well, and here we are.
I do hope that you find
my quarters satisfactory.
Herr General, Frau von Scheider.
Yes, it will do.
Now, as you can see,
I myself live in Spartan
bachelor simplicity.
They will do,
Klink, they will do.
Herr General, thank you.
The staff is
waiting for me, Lilli.
I shall manage, Karl.
Uh, Herr General,
shall we go to my office?
I shall go.
Of course, of course.
I wouldn't think of intruding.
Good.
I'll be back soon, Lilli.
Good-bye, Karl.
Herr General.
Frau von Scheider.
If you are trying
to escape, Colonel,
you will need a much
better sense of direction.
It's adequate, thanks.
But there is something
else you can help me with.
Oh?
And why should I help you?
Because I know who
you are and what you are.
Who told you?
Never mind.
What's important now is how
up-to-date is your information?
I wouldn't know.
You are my first contact
in over three years.
It was for your own protection.
I didn't need protection,
I needed contact.
Have you any idea
what happens to a
woman in three years?
He loves me, you know.
Yet you kept
sending information.
With no reply! None!
Look, whatever the past
three years have been,
what matters to me is now.
I'm working on a plan to
immobilize the General Staff.
I'm making them
think that Hitler
is replacing von Scheider
with the most incompetent
colonel in the Wehrmacht,
just to bring the army to heel.
How bizarre.
I'm noted for that.
The colonel that's
taking his place is Klink,
which makes it
even more bizarre.
But you are a prisoner of war.
How can you make
such things happen?
That's why I need the help.
They told me not to
get in touch with you
unless I had to, and I had to.
Now, are you in or out?
After all this time,
I am to help with
this crazy scheme
which has no
possibility of realization?
It's up to you.
For laughs... yes.
Thanks.
You'll have a million.
How do I look, Colonel?
Like a Boy Scout
with a mustache,
but you're all we've got.
Schultz's here.
What'll I do? Stay here.
If we can't fool Schultz,
we can't fool anybody.
Colonel Hogan.
Colonel Hogan, have
you heard the latest?
You know I don't
spread rumors, Schultz.
This is a definite rumor.
There is a Gestapo
major coming into camp
to check on Commandant
Klink's efficiency...
For the office
of chief of staff.
Ah, come off it, Schultzy.
I swear!
It's the most efficient
checkup of inefficiency
in the history of Germany.
And we, humph, we are
a very efficient people.
Where'd you hear it?
Well, it...
W-W-Who-Who-Who...?
Aha!
Fraternizing with
the prisoners, is it?
Giving them valuable
military information, is it?
Aha!
Silence!
This confirms exactly
what these men had told me.
This is the worst run prisoner-of-war
camp in all of Germany.
That's bad, sir?
That's good...
for Klink's chances of
promotion to chief of staff.
Oh, that's good.
That's bad.
He will be replaced by someone
who will send bumblers
like you to the Russian front!
That's very bad.
Cheer up, Schultz.
It's only a rumor.
Klink?!
Impossible.
Good-bye, Lilli.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Now, we were discussing...
General von Scheider, not Klink.
You've heard the rumors then.
My sincerest sympathy.
Frau von Scheider
told me at lunch.
The wives always
know first, somehow.
And the Gestapo is already here.
Apparently the chances
of Klink look very good.
General, my father was a general
of the German
army, as was yours.
We have roots, tradition.
We will not stand
for this humiliation
at the hands of an
Austrian corporal.
General von Scheider stays.
Who speaks for the true Germany?
All for one and one for all.
Colonel Klink...
Kommandant Klink!
Oh... Major, at
your service, sir.
Major Lindenfelder from Berlin.
Uh-huh.
Checking.
Checking, yes, sir.
I trust that everything
is in perfect order?
Miserable.
Miserable, hmm. Is
that bad or is it good?
So far, you are getting
my highest failing marks
in everything. Come.
No, no, no, please.
The General Staff
is meeting in there.
So? Oh!
One could be here and...
May I inquire the
meaning of this?
The Gestapo never gives
answers, just questions.
The major's just checking.
You presume, Major, to break
in on the Army General Staff?
Out!
I take orders only
from the Fuhrer.
Not from has-beens.
Has-beens.
I was a general when you
were still living in the gutter.
Now, gentlemen, gentlemen.
Why, there is much to
be said on both sides.
I feel that...
Oh, am I intruding?
I can come back.
Out! Out!
Stay.
Stay.
Klink, I thought all prisoners
were to remain in barracks.
Major Lindenfelder, I gave
the strictest instructions
to... Mm-hmm.
Another black mark, Klink.
I feel terrible.
Klink, you have compiled
a perfect inefficiency rating.
I think the Fuhrer has
found a new chief of staff.
It was nothing.
Nothing?
That is the word for it.
Major, you can tell Berlin
that the General
Staff is united and firm.
They're not accepting
this humiliation.
And that is final!
Final?
Uh-huh.
And you, General Bruner,
you are putting yourself
in defiance of Herr Hitler?
He is.
I have my duty as
a German soldier.
Of course, uh, obedience
to orders is a part of duty.
Bernhart...
And you, General von Katz?
I am sure, if the Fuhrer
truly understood the situation,
his well-known sense
of fair play would...
von Katz!
Uh-huh.
You may expect a phone
call in a matter of hours.
Yes, sir, a phone call.
General Klink.
Sounds right... General Klink.
Stalag 13.
I'm sorry, he's still in a
staff meeting, General.
He's taking no calls.
Stalag 13.
General Rommel.
Is that the General Rommel?
They're jamming, Colonel.
The BBC... they're blocking out
all the German
radar installations
between Le Havre and Dunkirk.
That's it... D day.
They'll be hitting the
beaches in a couple of hours.
Guess we better get
started, huh? Right.
Colonel, the woman is outside.
Frau von Scheider?
She came down
through the entrance
in Klink's quarters on her own.
I found her wandering
in the tunnels.
Oh. I'm sorry to come
here, but I had to see you.
All right, what is it?
The plan will not work.
My husband...
von Scheider has
managed to rally them.
He is holding them to their
word as German officers.
They will not step down,
even if they are convinced
the order comes
from Hitler himself.
You let us worry about that.
Now you are to stay with him.
Keep him off balance,
keep him from checking it out.
But it will not work.
I have been his
wife for three years.
I know him.
That's another thing.
We have orders to get
you back to England.
Your assignment in
Germany is finished.
They want to start using
what you've learned.
Just like that?
I am to pick up and to leave?
Maybe you'd rather stay?
No.
But I am a human being.
Surely you can understand that.
Right now, I've got time to
understand just one thing.
We've got a thousand
ships crossing the channel,
ready to hit the French
beaches, and I've got work to do.
LeBeau, get her
to Klink's office.
Right, sir.
We're going to make a phone
call to there in five minutes.
You may be right
about von Scheider.
But we're betting the other way.
Yes.
Bergtesgarten.
Von Scheider?
Von Scheider, put
Klink on the phone, now.
The Fuhrer wishes
to speak to you.
Me?
Yes, mein Fuhrer.
Are you able to
follow orders, Klink?
Oh, I love to follow
orders, mein Fuhrer.
Almost any orders,
especially your orders.
You are my new
Army Chief of Staff.
Do not make a move
without my permission.
Is that clear?
Perfectly. Thank you, sir.
I shall do my best to justify
the great confidence
you've shown in me.
Shut up and put on von Scheider.
Shut up and put on
von Scheider. Yes, sir.
Are you there, von Scheider?
Ja, mein Fuhrer.
Tell me, do you
remember what happened
to the last chief
of staff before you?
I believe he shot
himself, Fuhrer.
He was allowed to shoot himself!
With you, I am going
to be much more lenient.
You will succeed Klink as
kommandant of Stalag 13.
Kommandant of Stalag 13?
Are you there, von Scheider?
Did you hear me?
Ja, mein Fuhrer, I heard.
And I just want to say...
thank you.
Thank you, mein Fuhrer.
Two American airborne divisions
parachuted into Normandy.
1:11 a.m. That's
a half hour ago.
Vivéz les Americains.
Colonel, it's von
Roenstadt's headquarters.
They insist on talking
to General von Scheider.
Rommel's headquarters.
They're trying to get through.
All right, this is it.
From now on,
all calls in or out,
go direct to Klink's quarters.
All calls?
If we can't trust Klink
to do the right thing,
who can we trust?
Another toast to the
new Chief of Staff.
Ja, ja. General Klink.
General Klink.
I will drink to that.
Herr Kommandant!
Excuse me, please!
Herr Kommandant!
Oh, I mean, Herr Chief of Staff!
General von Roenstadt
himself is calling from France.
He insists on speaking with
General von Scheider at once.
Well, I suppose the news
has not yet reached him.
Excuse me.
Thank you, Schultz.
My dear von Roenstadt,
this is your new
Army Chief of Staff
Wilhelm Klink speaking.
Now, General von Scheider is...
What?
They're doing what?
Those barbarians!
They're invading France.
Yes, sir?
Reinforcements?
New panzer divisions?
You want me to...?
General Roenstadt, I
shall have to call you back.
What shall I do?
Where's the assault?
Normandy.
A feint, a diversion.
The main blow
will come at Calais.
You are wrong. Le Havre.
Le Havre. I still insist.
But what shall I do? I mean...
Ah! General von Scheider.
The Allies are invading.
What shall I do?
Have you seen Lilli?
Where could she be at this hour?
Please, General von Scheider!
Herr Chief of Staff, please!
General Rommel's headquarters.
And light divisions are
landing on the beaches.
I'm not here!
Her small suitcase is gone.
All right, all right. I'll
get her another one.
But what am I going to do?
The Panzer Lehr and the
12th S.S. Panzer Division
should be brought up.
Only if this is not a feint.
Permission to move
panzers can only be given
personally by Hitler.
The very thing!
Hitler! Call him.
I have been relieved.
General Bruner, you call him.
It's not my place.
Von Katz?
No, thank you.
You see, it's all up to
you, General von Scheider.
I'm going to look for Lilli.
Please, General
von Scheider, I...
Schultz, you call him.
Yes, Herr Chief of Staff.
What shall I call him?
All right.
Get me Bergtesgarten,
the Fuhrer's headquarters.
It's very urgent.
What time does he go to bed?
Hello.
General Borneman?
This is Klink, speaking.
Army Chief of Staff Klink.
I suppose I could call
myself General Klink,
but until the papers
come through...
What?
K-L-I... never mind.
Did you know that we
were being invaded?
Yes, Normandy.
They are coming
ashore like locusts.
So if you'll just ask the Fuhrer
what he wants me to do, I'll...
Hmm?
Klink. K-L-I-N-K.
The new Army Chief of Staff.
No, I'm not drunk!
Yes, of course
I've been drinking,
but an Army Chief of
Staff does not get drunk.
You just ask him... Huh?
He's in bed?
He left strict orders
not to be disturbed?
Well, an order is an
order, General Borneman,
so if you will just
be kind enough
to bring it to his attention
in the morning, I would...
General Borneman?
General Borneman...?
I think we've been cut off.
Shall I try to get
him back, sir?
No!
What shall we do?
We must do something.
Yes, we must do something.
More champagne?
That's it, Colonel.
I just told London
that Jerry won't be moving
any reinforcements for awhile.
Good.
Colonel, I'd like to
volunteer for service
with the invading forces.
Request denied.
Although I know how you feel.
Right now, I want you
to take Frau von Scheider
to her rendezvous
with the submarine.
She's headed for England.
C'est la guerre.
Good-bye.
So long.
And good luck.
Your papers, ma'am.
Oh, thank you.
It was a brilliant
operation, Colonel.
Bizarre, but brilliant.
Have a safe trip.
Thank you.
Good-bye.
Uh...
Any farewell messages?
No, because I
leave no one behind.
Good-bye.
Colonel?
What did she mean by that?
Carter, when you're
older, you'll understand.