Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 19 - Hogan, Go Home - full transcript
The Allied Command orders Colonel Hogan to leave and turn over his operations to the bumbling Colonel Crittendon.
Now, Carter, you and Newkirk
will plant the bombs right here,
past the station.
Yes, sir.
Nice camouflage,
using the Berlin Express
to carry munitions and supplies.
The Krauts are getting smart.
Sir, why not lob a
few grenades here
before the train
reaches the station?
Because the Berlin Express
passes the Kessling refinery.
So we get the train
and the refinery.
Now, won't that make
a cheery little bonfire?
Right.
There's nothing like
a nice, blazing oil field
on a cold winter's night.
All right, let's
clean up down here.
Get a couple hours'
sack time before roll call.
All right.
Good night, chap.
Good night.
Hey, hold it, fellas.
Hey, it's London.
The Allied High Command.
The High Command?
Holy cats.
What is it?
Holy cats!
What, Kinch?
What's so "holy
cats" about it, Kinch?
I hear it, but I just
don't believe it.
Holy cats!
The message, Kinch.
What is the message?
Here.
Sacrés chats!
"Sack re shah"?
That's French for "holy cats."
The big brass is ordering
Colonel Hogan home.
What, back to the States?
He's to return for
a hero's welcome
and reassignment
to Special Service
for a three-months
bond-selling tour.
They got to be crazy
at headquarters.
Oh, the colonel's really
going to snap his twig
when he hears about this.
It says to stand by
for further instructions.
Now, you know what the
colonel's going to tell them.
I got a hunch that
hero's welcome
is going to turn into a
dishonorable discharge.
Sack re shah.
Yeah, he's going to be
pretty sore about it, all right.
But he's never
disobeyed an order yet.
Yes, but he's never gotten
this kind of a
crazy order before.
Then we ought to let him sleep
a little while longer,
you know, before we tell him.
You know what a
nasty temper he's got
when he's tired.
Yeah, and he was beat tonight.
Boy, he would eat us alive
if we woke him up right now
with a message like this.
I'd like him to sleep
as long as he can.
I'd like that, too, Carter.
Oh, sorry we kept
you awake, Colonel.
This message from London's
got us kind of wound up.
They want me to go home.
They've ordered me home.
I don't believe it!
Who would issue
an order like that?
I don't know, but whoever it was
is going to have me
for a friend for life.
Kinch, wire London.
Tell them orders
are acknowledged.
When do I leave?
How? Where?
Get all the details.
Yahoo!
Yes, sir.
Personally, I think he's
taking the news pretty well.
You can almost believe
he was happy about it.
You know darn well he's happy.
Boy, if that doesn't
take the cake.
It's a pretty rotten way to act,
if you ask me.
What happens to us?
I'd never dream
he'd do such a thing.
I know none of us would.
Boy, if that order had been
for one of us, would we go?
Like a shot.
I mean, who wouldn't like to
go home if he had a chance?
Yeah, the colonel
deserves a break.
He has all the responsibilities,
he takes the biggest risks.
It's about time he got some
recognition from the brass.
I think it's about time he got
some recognition from us, too.
Hey, how about throwing
a farewell party for him?
Yes! Perfect!
Let him know how
we feel about him.
I'll show him how I feel
by cooking the most
magnificent dinner money can buy.
That's fine for you,
but what can we do?
You can supply the
money that buys it.
Come on, give it up.
Now, here's a list
of what we want.
Here, I'll carry that for you.
You are sure
you're not asking me
to buy anything
you should not have,
like, for instance, picks,
shovels and wire cutters, huh?
Just groceries.
It's for Colonel
Hogan's surprise party.
Hey, hey, but mum's
the word, Schultzy.
Oh.
A surprise, huh?
A big surprise.
Ah, let's see what we have here.
Fresh asparagus.
Mm-hmm.
Three dozen fresh eggs.
Right.
One dozen tin caviar?!
Russian, of course.
Don't you know there's a war on?
Where do you think I
would buy things like this?
You know Rhinehart's Market?
I passed it by.
It's not much of
a market, though.
No, but the market in the
basement of the market is.
You can buy anything...
For a price, of course.
You want me to do
business in the black market?
Never!
Take back your grocery
list and I'll take back my gun.
Keep it. You might
change your mind.
You just saw me change
my mind... yes to no.
My gun, please.
Now, Schultz.
Would 600 marks
change it back to yes?
No.
My gun, please.
How about a nice
"maybe" for 700, Schultz?
Not 700, not 800, not 900.
Please, I'm warning you, give
me back my gun or I'll shoot!
Not even for 900, huh?
I'm afraid Sergeant Schultz
is one of these men
who can't be bought.
That's not true!
I heard every man has his price,
and I have a feeling
you're just 100 mark away
from my price.
You guys are pretty quiet.
How come you're not busy
planning my surprise party?
Schultz told you.
He didn't mean to.
I tricked him.
I said, "Hey, Schultz, heard
any good secrets lately?"
And he says, "Only the one
about your surprise party."
You'll be going
to a lot of parties
when you get home, and
we wanted ours to be the first.
We're proud to have
served with you, sir,
and this is our
way of telling you.
Thanks, Newkirk.
I'm proud of you guys, too.
In fact, it suddenly dawned on
me what this command meant.
I'm not going to go.
I'm going to tell headquarters
I've decided to
stay, orders or not.
That's going to be
a problem, Colonel.
Your replacement's
already on his way here.
My replacement? Who is it?
I just got this message from
headquarters a while ago.
It's got all the dope on him.
RAF colonel, trained
commando, sabotage expert.
Must say my replacement
sounds like a darn good man.
He's not the man you are.
They don't make them
like you anymore, sir.
No, sirree.
There's only one Colonel Hogan,
and... and there'll never
be another Colonel Hogan.
Unless, of course, you were to
get married and have children,
and then maybe
you could have boys,
and then maybe one of the
boys might go in the service.
Now, he could be
a "Colonel Hogan."
Carter... shut up.
Headquarters say
where I'm to be picked up?
Am I walking,
swimming, flying? What?
Well, your replacement
will have that information.
We still have the Berlin
Express to take care of.
Well, I got the old
bombs finished.
And we'll put them on
the track as scheduled, sir.
Good.
Colonel Hogan, the commandant
wants to see you at once.
What about, Schultz?
The commandant does not
take me into his confidence.
Yeah, I wish we hadn't, either.
Tattletale.
When there's something
you don't want me
to say anything about,
just tell me nothing
and, I swear,
I won't mention it to anybody.
Ha, ha.
Come in, come in.
Oh, Hogan, come in.
How nice of you to drop by.
I didn't drop by.
You sent for me.
Oh, that's right.
Hogan, why don't you sit
down, relax for a moment?
When you're that cheerful
this early, I never relax.
Well...
I suppose you're wondering
why I sent for you. Am I right?
What an amazing
bit of mind reading.
How about letting
me in on the joke?
Oh, it's not really a joke.
It's funny to me,
but I don't think it's
going to be funny to you.
Look, Klink, I got
better things to do
than to stand here
and listen to you cackle.
Oh, please, Hogan.
I don't very often get the
chance to chop you down.
I'd just like to
savor that moment.
What do you mean "chop me down"?
Well, it has something
to do with a British officer
who was captured a
few miles from here.
They'll be bringing
him in shortly.
So?
This British officer, Hogan,
is a colonel.
A colonel, Hogan.
Now you understand
why I'm laughing?
Yeah, you're a nut.
Now I suppose you're
going to say he outranks me.
That's right.
The moment he
comes in this gate,
you are no longer
the senior officer.
And that doesn't bother you?
I couldn't be happier.
I can use the rest.
I have not dismissed you yet!
You know, I like the way
you're taking this, Hogan.
Now, would you like
me to tell you the name
of this British officer?
Why should I care
about his name?
Because it happens to
be Colonel Crittendon.
Crittendon!
That struck a nerve, didn't it?
Chop, chop, chop.
Colonel Klink, that man
disrupted the morale
of this entire camp.
He's nuttier than you are.
He should be locked
up somewhere.
That's right.
And he will be...
right here.
And you will kindly
remove your things
from the colonel's quarters.
You're putting him
in our barracks?
I wouldn't dream of
putting him anywhere else.
Chop, chop, chop again, Hogan.
Oh, I hope you're
enjoying yourself.
Oh, yes, I am.
And thank you, Hogan, for
falling apart so beautifully.
You know, that
look on your face...
Ooh, it's even better
than I'd hoped for.
I'm glad I didn't
disappoint you.
May I go now?
Oh, by all means.
Oh, Hogan.
You, uh, will clean up
your quarters, won't you?
Colonel Crittendon is so
fussy about things like that.
Colonel Klink,
you're an evil man.
Yes, I am.
And it makes me
feel good all over.
Aw, don't worry.
Everything's
going to be all right.
Don't worry about it.
You're trying to tell us some
bad news, right, Colonel?
Well, you might say it was bad
news. Then again, you might not.
It's up to you to decide
what kind of news it is.
Achtung!
I want you to meet your
new commanding officer.
Bad news.
Well, almost like a
reunion, eh, what?
Ha, ha!
You lads are all
looking quite, uh, uh...
Colonel Klink, have you
been torturing these men?
Certainly not.
They all look
terrible... pale, sickly.
It must be something that's
going around the camp.
Colonel Hogan
looked the same way
when he left my
office a while ago.
Chop, chop, chop.
Well, we meet
again, Colonel Hogan.
Small world, isn't it?
Yeah. Small, small world.
I feel like it's
closing in on me.
You, uh... got the
message from London?
Just nod yes or no.
Yes, indeed! It's
a very small world.
What was that you
whispered, Colonel?
I didn't quite catch it.
Hogan, Hogan...
The walls have ears.
Klink must have planted
bugs all around this place.
You're right, Colonel,
but we found every, single one.
Still, one shouldn't
take any chances
when he's on an
assignment like this one.
Caution is the key
word in espionage.
We don't believe in
taking chances, either,
so if you'll just show me
the identification
you were given.
Oh, nicely done, sir.
Came right up to the net
on that one, didn't you?
Let me see now, uh...
Where did I put my...
uh, my secret papers?
Imagine forgetting
a thing like that.
I'm sure the... uh, the
papers in my secret pocket
will give you all
the identification...
Colonel, where's
your secret pocket?
Ah, you don't
remember either, eh?
Well, it'll come to me.
Let's see, just put on
the old thinking cap and, uh...
My cap.
There you, uh...
there you are, Colonel.
Well, they seem to be in order.
All right, get rid of these.
Right you are.
First thing they tell you
is to destroy all secret papers
even if you have to eat them.
Who's got a match?
Guess those papers
do taste better cooked.
I'm not cooking them,
I'm burning them.
Sergeant sounds a
bit stir crazy to me.
I think Carter was
making a joke.
Oh... excellent!
I say if a man can
keep his sense of humor,
he can take anything
Jerry dishes out.
Good man.
You make all the
jokes you please,
no matter how bad they are.
Even in the midst of tragedy,
you can find something funny
if you look hard enough.
Colonel, I think you're
about to catch fire.
What? Oh, good heavens.
Don't get alarmed, men.
Let's not panic.
Steady as she goes...
You shouldn't
have done that, sir.
That's all right.
No harm done... just
singed my fingers a trifle.
However, if I had lost my head,
the situation could
have been worse.
The moment I saw the danger,
I simply kept my wits about me,
walked over to the trash basket
and dropped the
burning papers in there.
Colonel, you dropped
them in our laundry hamper.
Well, I must say...
It looks like a
trash basket to me.
I advise you to write
"laundry hamper" over it.
Then this sort of thing won't
happen over and over again.
We'll do that
if there's anything left of it.
But now if you'll excuse me,
I'll tidy up a bit and
then I'd like the men
mustered here at 053...
No, no... that would be
0330 hundred o'clock p.m.
At least no has to do
the laundry this week.
Every piece of clothing I
owned was in that basket.
Bet you didn't have
a penny's worth
of fire insurance either.
Come.
Got a minute,
Colonel Crittendon?
I'd like to ask you
a few questions.
Well, I'd be glad to
answer anything I can.
Of course you realize
I'm here under
secret orders, though.
Yeah, that's my first question.
Why'd they pick you?
I wasn't picked...
I volunteered.
After all, I am
familiar with the camp,
and with my commando
and sabotage training,
who could be better for the job?
Exactly how much commando
training did you have?
Oh, the whole show.
That commando corps
separates the men from the boys.
I confess, at first I didn't
think I'd be able to cut it.
Took every ounce of grit
and determination in me.
I made it, but, uh...
I wouldn't like to go through
a weekend like that again.
Two days of commando training?
Actually it was three.
I stayed on an extra day
to brush up on my
hand-to-hand combat.
Yeah, I suppose
during the three days
you also became
a sabotage expert.
Ah, no.
No, that was
another course I took
after I left the hospital.
Let me, uh, let me
show you something.
Rather neat trick, eh, Hogan?
Yes, indeed, a very neat trick.
Does a neat job, too.
This knife is razor sharp.
Yeah, I can feel it.
It's a razor-sharp knife.
Dreamed this one up myself.
So far it seems to have
fooled Jerry, doesn't it?
Yeah, well, around here,
Jerry isn't too hard to fool.
Colonel Hogan, I've
been giving some thought
to your escape from here,
and it occurred to me...
Colonel, my hat.
How's that?
You stabbed my hat.
Oh, awfully sorry, Hogan.
I keep forgetting to
put it together again.
Usually cut a neat
slice in my shirt sleeve.
See? I've done it again,
only this time it's
your shirt, what.
That's okay... It'll
go well with my hat.
Right you are.
Anyway, as I was saying,
I've been giving some thought
to your escape from here.
Colonel, it can't be from here.
We're blowing up
the Berlin Express
and the Kessling
refinery tomorrow night.
Any escape from Stalag
13 would be too risky.
I see what you mean.
Supposing, uh... supposing
you were to be transferred
to another camp,
and while en route
you made your escape
with the aid of the,
uh, of the underground.
That's a good idea, but how
do we arrange my transfer?
Well if, uh, if Klink thought
an important prisoner
like Colonel Hogan
were attempting an escape,
he'd have you out of
here before you could try it.
He sure would.
And I know just the
pitch I'm going to give him.
Colonel Hogan!
The senior officer
is the only one
to have contact with
the commandant.
I'll do the talking to Klink.
Look, it really might be
better if you let me handle him.
I've been doing it
for some time now.
Don't worry, I'll handle Klink.
And believe me,
in no time at all,
you'll be free as a bird.
Chirp, chirp.
I got your message,
but I had some difficulty
getting permission from Klink.
Did Newkirk give you the key?
It's right here in my pocket.
You'd be mad as a March
hare to make a break from here.
Stop wasting time.
Unlock the cell door
and leave it shut.
There you are.
If you do try anything,
just how far do
you think you'll get?
I'm going to try something
and I hope to get as far
as the next prison camp.
Colonel Hogan... Commandant
Klink wants to see you.
Ah, I appreciate
your coming, sir.
Don't bother to
appreciate anything.
Colonel Crittendon asked me
to do this as a personal favor.
Since when are you
doing favors for the enemy?
Because although
we're on different sides,
I have a great deal of
respect for Colonel Crittendon.
He is a fine officer
and an honorable man...
And a dirty stool pigeon.
And he kept you from
committing suicide.
No one will ever
escape from Stalag 13
as long as I'm its commandant.
And that won't be much longer.
Yeah, I'm busting out of your
prison camp, Colonel Klink.
Just wanted to give you
advance notice so you can pack.
You don't bust out of anyplace
until you bust out
of this bust-proof cell,
and that's a
good trick in itself.
That's why I'm glad
I'm locked up in here.
The more sensational my escape,
the sooner we'll get
you to a cooler climate.
Hogan, why did
you want to see me?
Just wanted to warn you.
I owe you that.
Oh, no, Hogan.
You just wanted to annoy me,
get me upset...
But it won't work.
Good night, Colonel.
These has-beens will do
anything to get attention.
Schultz, I really believe
that Hogan is cracking up.
Still convinced I can't
escape, aren't you?
Hogan, how many
times do I have to tell you,
no one ever escapes
from Stalag 13.
Care to make a
little bet on that?
Look, Hogan, I'm
very tired, it's late.
Why don't you go back to
your cell and go to bed, hmm?
What are you doing out here?
Just trying to make a bet.
Schultz, put him back in there.
Why weren't you watching him?
Herr Kommandant, I
was listening to you.
You are supposed
to guard prisoners,
not listen to foolish chatter.
But Herr Kommandant,
it was not foolish chatter.
Whatever you said
was very interesting.
Schultz, you Dummkopf,
you dunderhead.
If you fellas don't mind,
I'd like to get back
into my bust-proof cell
to start planning my escape.
Hogan, get back in there.
Good night.
See you in the morning... maybe.
Say au revoir, Hogan,
and get into the truck.
The men can write
you at Stalag 15.
I'll say my own good-byes,
if you don't mind.
Newkirk... you and Carter
take care of those packages?
Everything's all right, sir.
We should hear
something tonight.
Good luck, Colonel.
Is it all right if I give
Hogan a gift, Colonel?
What kind of a gift,
Colonel Crittendon?
Oh, just my swagger cane.
I'd... I'd like him to have it
for old time's sake.
All right, Hogan.
Take the stick and
get into the truck.
Hurry up, hurry up, men.
I don't want him
to miss the train.
Train?
You're going in
style today, Hogan.
The Berlin Express.
Berlin Express?
Did you hear that, guys?
I'm going to be on
the Berlin Express.
I hate good-byes,
so we'll just say
"Till we meet again."
Right.
And let's meet
real soon, shall we?
Soon!
I think one more
stroke ought to do it, sir.
We don't want to
bring her down just yet.
We'll wait until LeBeau
sees the van approaching.
Then with one blow,
my ax will drop this
tree in front of them.
Don't you think we ought
to do that now, Colonel,
instead of waiting
till the last minute?
Yeah, this is one train
we don't want the
colonel to catch.
The element of surprise will
be a great advantage to us.
We'll be on those guards
before they know what happened.
The colonel is right there.
They'll be like
sitting ducks for us.
Extraordinary thing.
It takes a long time to
change those tires, doesn't it?
Nothing to it on
an American truck.
Shut up.
Get back in the van.
They're almost ready to go.
About time.
Back inside... everyone.
Back inside.
That means you, too.
Inside!
What'd you do now to that tire?
Nothing, I-I-I...
just kicked it with my foot.
What are you using
for rubber these days...
Banana peels?
One more word from you...
No, you won't.
Put your hands up.
Move!
All right, you guys...
Let's see how fast
you can fix that tire.
What do we do
with them, Colonel?
We'll drop them off,
let the underground
take care of them.
Then can we drive
over by the refinery
and watch the explosion?
No time for that,
Carter... I got to get home.
Oh... oh, yeah, I forgot.
I expect you're eager to go.
Yes, I am.
As the song says,
be it ever so humble,
there's no place
like... Stalag 13.
Hogan, tell me...
When the underground freed you,
why did you come back here?
Been asking myself
that same question.
Some invisible force
seemed to be pulling me back.
I guess... aw, it sounds silly.
What?
You'll just laugh.
Please... I already
laughed once this week.
Hogan, what are
you trying to say?
I'm back because I
missed the old dungeon.
You have no idea how I
felt as I came over the hill
and saw the sun setting
beyond the machine-gun turrets.
Hogan!
The barbed wire
sparkling like spun gold
and the delousing
station at twilight time.
Colonel Klink...
this is a veritable paradise.
Hogan, I don't believe
one word of this.
But I agree with you
about Colonel Crittendon.
He cannot be trusted.
You give him one
inch, he'll take 50 yards.
You know, he'd gotten that far
when Schultz spotted him.
Crittendon tried
to make a break?
Oh, he denied it, of course.
Said he was coming
in, not going out.
Where is he now?
On his way to Stalag 15.
Oh, he's a menace.
He's got to be
locked up somewhere.
I mean somewhere else.
There is no room
here for troublemakers.
We can do without
him very nicely.
Incidentally, what
time have you got?
Oh, it's, uh, 7:29
and 40 seconds.
Exactly?
I just set it by my radio.
Hogan, what is it?
What's happening?
Your radio is 12 seconds slow.
What has that got to do with it?
Who knows?
Oh, one other thing, Colonel.
What?
Chop, chop, chop.
will plant the bombs right here,
past the station.
Yes, sir.
Nice camouflage,
using the Berlin Express
to carry munitions and supplies.
The Krauts are getting smart.
Sir, why not lob a
few grenades here
before the train
reaches the station?
Because the Berlin Express
passes the Kessling refinery.
So we get the train
and the refinery.
Now, won't that make
a cheery little bonfire?
Right.
There's nothing like
a nice, blazing oil field
on a cold winter's night.
All right, let's
clean up down here.
Get a couple hours'
sack time before roll call.
All right.
Good night, chap.
Good night.
Hey, hold it, fellas.
Hey, it's London.
The Allied High Command.
The High Command?
Holy cats.
What is it?
Holy cats!
What, Kinch?
What's so "holy
cats" about it, Kinch?
I hear it, but I just
don't believe it.
Holy cats!
The message, Kinch.
What is the message?
Here.
Sacrés chats!
"Sack re shah"?
That's French for "holy cats."
The big brass is ordering
Colonel Hogan home.
What, back to the States?
He's to return for
a hero's welcome
and reassignment
to Special Service
for a three-months
bond-selling tour.
They got to be crazy
at headquarters.
Oh, the colonel's really
going to snap his twig
when he hears about this.
It says to stand by
for further instructions.
Now, you know what the
colonel's going to tell them.
I got a hunch that
hero's welcome
is going to turn into a
dishonorable discharge.
Sack re shah.
Yeah, he's going to be
pretty sore about it, all right.
But he's never
disobeyed an order yet.
Yes, but he's never gotten
this kind of a
crazy order before.
Then we ought to let him sleep
a little while longer,
you know, before we tell him.
You know what a
nasty temper he's got
when he's tired.
Yeah, and he was beat tonight.
Boy, he would eat us alive
if we woke him up right now
with a message like this.
I'd like him to sleep
as long as he can.
I'd like that, too, Carter.
Oh, sorry we kept
you awake, Colonel.
This message from London's
got us kind of wound up.
They want me to go home.
They've ordered me home.
I don't believe it!
Who would issue
an order like that?
I don't know, but whoever it was
is going to have me
for a friend for life.
Kinch, wire London.
Tell them orders
are acknowledged.
When do I leave?
How? Where?
Get all the details.
Yahoo!
Yes, sir.
Personally, I think he's
taking the news pretty well.
You can almost believe
he was happy about it.
You know darn well he's happy.
Boy, if that doesn't
take the cake.
It's a pretty rotten way to act,
if you ask me.
What happens to us?
I'd never dream
he'd do such a thing.
I know none of us would.
Boy, if that order had been
for one of us, would we go?
Like a shot.
I mean, who wouldn't like to
go home if he had a chance?
Yeah, the colonel
deserves a break.
He has all the responsibilities,
he takes the biggest risks.
It's about time he got some
recognition from the brass.
I think it's about time he got
some recognition from us, too.
Hey, how about throwing
a farewell party for him?
Yes! Perfect!
Let him know how
we feel about him.
I'll show him how I feel
by cooking the most
magnificent dinner money can buy.
That's fine for you,
but what can we do?
You can supply the
money that buys it.
Come on, give it up.
Now, here's a list
of what we want.
Here, I'll carry that for you.
You are sure
you're not asking me
to buy anything
you should not have,
like, for instance, picks,
shovels and wire cutters, huh?
Just groceries.
It's for Colonel
Hogan's surprise party.
Hey, hey, but mum's
the word, Schultzy.
Oh.
A surprise, huh?
A big surprise.
Ah, let's see what we have here.
Fresh asparagus.
Mm-hmm.
Three dozen fresh eggs.
Right.
One dozen tin caviar?!
Russian, of course.
Don't you know there's a war on?
Where do you think I
would buy things like this?
You know Rhinehart's Market?
I passed it by.
It's not much of
a market, though.
No, but the market in the
basement of the market is.
You can buy anything...
For a price, of course.
You want me to do
business in the black market?
Never!
Take back your grocery
list and I'll take back my gun.
Keep it. You might
change your mind.
You just saw me change
my mind... yes to no.
My gun, please.
Now, Schultz.
Would 600 marks
change it back to yes?
No.
My gun, please.
How about a nice
"maybe" for 700, Schultz?
Not 700, not 800, not 900.
Please, I'm warning you, give
me back my gun or I'll shoot!
Not even for 900, huh?
I'm afraid Sergeant Schultz
is one of these men
who can't be bought.
That's not true!
I heard every man has his price,
and I have a feeling
you're just 100 mark away
from my price.
You guys are pretty quiet.
How come you're not busy
planning my surprise party?
Schultz told you.
He didn't mean to.
I tricked him.
I said, "Hey, Schultz, heard
any good secrets lately?"
And he says, "Only the one
about your surprise party."
You'll be going
to a lot of parties
when you get home, and
we wanted ours to be the first.
We're proud to have
served with you, sir,
and this is our
way of telling you.
Thanks, Newkirk.
I'm proud of you guys, too.
In fact, it suddenly dawned on
me what this command meant.
I'm not going to go.
I'm going to tell headquarters
I've decided to
stay, orders or not.
That's going to be
a problem, Colonel.
Your replacement's
already on his way here.
My replacement? Who is it?
I just got this message from
headquarters a while ago.
It's got all the dope on him.
RAF colonel, trained
commando, sabotage expert.
Must say my replacement
sounds like a darn good man.
He's not the man you are.
They don't make them
like you anymore, sir.
No, sirree.
There's only one Colonel Hogan,
and... and there'll never
be another Colonel Hogan.
Unless, of course, you were to
get married and have children,
and then maybe
you could have boys,
and then maybe one of the
boys might go in the service.
Now, he could be
a "Colonel Hogan."
Carter... shut up.
Headquarters say
where I'm to be picked up?
Am I walking,
swimming, flying? What?
Well, your replacement
will have that information.
We still have the Berlin
Express to take care of.
Well, I got the old
bombs finished.
And we'll put them on
the track as scheduled, sir.
Good.
Colonel Hogan, the commandant
wants to see you at once.
What about, Schultz?
The commandant does not
take me into his confidence.
Yeah, I wish we hadn't, either.
Tattletale.
When there's something
you don't want me
to say anything about,
just tell me nothing
and, I swear,
I won't mention it to anybody.
Ha, ha.
Come in, come in.
Oh, Hogan, come in.
How nice of you to drop by.
I didn't drop by.
You sent for me.
Oh, that's right.
Hogan, why don't you sit
down, relax for a moment?
When you're that cheerful
this early, I never relax.
Well...
I suppose you're wondering
why I sent for you. Am I right?
What an amazing
bit of mind reading.
How about letting
me in on the joke?
Oh, it's not really a joke.
It's funny to me,
but I don't think it's
going to be funny to you.
Look, Klink, I got
better things to do
than to stand here
and listen to you cackle.
Oh, please, Hogan.
I don't very often get the
chance to chop you down.
I'd just like to
savor that moment.
What do you mean "chop me down"?
Well, it has something
to do with a British officer
who was captured a
few miles from here.
They'll be bringing
him in shortly.
So?
This British officer, Hogan,
is a colonel.
A colonel, Hogan.
Now you understand
why I'm laughing?
Yeah, you're a nut.
Now I suppose you're
going to say he outranks me.
That's right.
The moment he
comes in this gate,
you are no longer
the senior officer.
And that doesn't bother you?
I couldn't be happier.
I can use the rest.
I have not dismissed you yet!
You know, I like the way
you're taking this, Hogan.
Now, would you like
me to tell you the name
of this British officer?
Why should I care
about his name?
Because it happens to
be Colonel Crittendon.
Crittendon!
That struck a nerve, didn't it?
Chop, chop, chop.
Colonel Klink, that man
disrupted the morale
of this entire camp.
He's nuttier than you are.
He should be locked
up somewhere.
That's right.
And he will be...
right here.
And you will kindly
remove your things
from the colonel's quarters.
You're putting him
in our barracks?
I wouldn't dream of
putting him anywhere else.
Chop, chop, chop again, Hogan.
Oh, I hope you're
enjoying yourself.
Oh, yes, I am.
And thank you, Hogan, for
falling apart so beautifully.
You know, that
look on your face...
Ooh, it's even better
than I'd hoped for.
I'm glad I didn't
disappoint you.
May I go now?
Oh, by all means.
Oh, Hogan.
You, uh, will clean up
your quarters, won't you?
Colonel Crittendon is so
fussy about things like that.
Colonel Klink,
you're an evil man.
Yes, I am.
And it makes me
feel good all over.
Aw, don't worry.
Everything's
going to be all right.
Don't worry about it.
You're trying to tell us some
bad news, right, Colonel?
Well, you might say it was bad
news. Then again, you might not.
It's up to you to decide
what kind of news it is.
Achtung!
I want you to meet your
new commanding officer.
Bad news.
Well, almost like a
reunion, eh, what?
Ha, ha!
You lads are all
looking quite, uh, uh...
Colonel Klink, have you
been torturing these men?
Certainly not.
They all look
terrible... pale, sickly.
It must be something that's
going around the camp.
Colonel Hogan
looked the same way
when he left my
office a while ago.
Chop, chop, chop.
Well, we meet
again, Colonel Hogan.
Small world, isn't it?
Yeah. Small, small world.
I feel like it's
closing in on me.
You, uh... got the
message from London?
Just nod yes or no.
Yes, indeed! It's
a very small world.
What was that you
whispered, Colonel?
I didn't quite catch it.
Hogan, Hogan...
The walls have ears.
Klink must have planted
bugs all around this place.
You're right, Colonel,
but we found every, single one.
Still, one shouldn't
take any chances
when he's on an
assignment like this one.
Caution is the key
word in espionage.
We don't believe in
taking chances, either,
so if you'll just show me
the identification
you were given.
Oh, nicely done, sir.
Came right up to the net
on that one, didn't you?
Let me see now, uh...
Where did I put my...
uh, my secret papers?
Imagine forgetting
a thing like that.
I'm sure the... uh, the
papers in my secret pocket
will give you all
the identification...
Colonel, where's
your secret pocket?
Ah, you don't
remember either, eh?
Well, it'll come to me.
Let's see, just put on
the old thinking cap and, uh...
My cap.
There you, uh...
there you are, Colonel.
Well, they seem to be in order.
All right, get rid of these.
Right you are.
First thing they tell you
is to destroy all secret papers
even if you have to eat them.
Who's got a match?
Guess those papers
do taste better cooked.
I'm not cooking them,
I'm burning them.
Sergeant sounds a
bit stir crazy to me.
I think Carter was
making a joke.
Oh... excellent!
I say if a man can
keep his sense of humor,
he can take anything
Jerry dishes out.
Good man.
You make all the
jokes you please,
no matter how bad they are.
Even in the midst of tragedy,
you can find something funny
if you look hard enough.
Colonel, I think you're
about to catch fire.
What? Oh, good heavens.
Don't get alarmed, men.
Let's not panic.
Steady as she goes...
You shouldn't
have done that, sir.
That's all right.
No harm done... just
singed my fingers a trifle.
However, if I had lost my head,
the situation could
have been worse.
The moment I saw the danger,
I simply kept my wits about me,
walked over to the trash basket
and dropped the
burning papers in there.
Colonel, you dropped
them in our laundry hamper.
Well, I must say...
It looks like a
trash basket to me.
I advise you to write
"laundry hamper" over it.
Then this sort of thing won't
happen over and over again.
We'll do that
if there's anything left of it.
But now if you'll excuse me,
I'll tidy up a bit and
then I'd like the men
mustered here at 053...
No, no... that would be
0330 hundred o'clock p.m.
At least no has to do
the laundry this week.
Every piece of clothing I
owned was in that basket.
Bet you didn't have
a penny's worth
of fire insurance either.
Come.
Got a minute,
Colonel Crittendon?
I'd like to ask you
a few questions.
Well, I'd be glad to
answer anything I can.
Of course you realize
I'm here under
secret orders, though.
Yeah, that's my first question.
Why'd they pick you?
I wasn't picked...
I volunteered.
After all, I am
familiar with the camp,
and with my commando
and sabotage training,
who could be better for the job?
Exactly how much commando
training did you have?
Oh, the whole show.
That commando corps
separates the men from the boys.
I confess, at first I didn't
think I'd be able to cut it.
Took every ounce of grit
and determination in me.
I made it, but, uh...
I wouldn't like to go through
a weekend like that again.
Two days of commando training?
Actually it was three.
I stayed on an extra day
to brush up on my
hand-to-hand combat.
Yeah, I suppose
during the three days
you also became
a sabotage expert.
Ah, no.
No, that was
another course I took
after I left the hospital.
Let me, uh, let me
show you something.
Rather neat trick, eh, Hogan?
Yes, indeed, a very neat trick.
Does a neat job, too.
This knife is razor sharp.
Yeah, I can feel it.
It's a razor-sharp knife.
Dreamed this one up myself.
So far it seems to have
fooled Jerry, doesn't it?
Yeah, well, around here,
Jerry isn't too hard to fool.
Colonel Hogan, I've
been giving some thought
to your escape from here,
and it occurred to me...
Colonel, my hat.
How's that?
You stabbed my hat.
Oh, awfully sorry, Hogan.
I keep forgetting to
put it together again.
Usually cut a neat
slice in my shirt sleeve.
See? I've done it again,
only this time it's
your shirt, what.
That's okay... It'll
go well with my hat.
Right you are.
Anyway, as I was saying,
I've been giving some thought
to your escape from here.
Colonel, it can't be from here.
We're blowing up
the Berlin Express
and the Kessling
refinery tomorrow night.
Any escape from Stalag
13 would be too risky.
I see what you mean.
Supposing, uh... supposing
you were to be transferred
to another camp,
and while en route
you made your escape
with the aid of the,
uh, of the underground.
That's a good idea, but how
do we arrange my transfer?
Well if, uh, if Klink thought
an important prisoner
like Colonel Hogan
were attempting an escape,
he'd have you out of
here before you could try it.
He sure would.
And I know just the
pitch I'm going to give him.
Colonel Hogan!
The senior officer
is the only one
to have contact with
the commandant.
I'll do the talking to Klink.
Look, it really might be
better if you let me handle him.
I've been doing it
for some time now.
Don't worry, I'll handle Klink.
And believe me,
in no time at all,
you'll be free as a bird.
Chirp, chirp.
I got your message,
but I had some difficulty
getting permission from Klink.
Did Newkirk give you the key?
It's right here in my pocket.
You'd be mad as a March
hare to make a break from here.
Stop wasting time.
Unlock the cell door
and leave it shut.
There you are.
If you do try anything,
just how far do
you think you'll get?
I'm going to try something
and I hope to get as far
as the next prison camp.
Colonel Hogan... Commandant
Klink wants to see you.
Ah, I appreciate
your coming, sir.
Don't bother to
appreciate anything.
Colonel Crittendon asked me
to do this as a personal favor.
Since when are you
doing favors for the enemy?
Because although
we're on different sides,
I have a great deal of
respect for Colonel Crittendon.
He is a fine officer
and an honorable man...
And a dirty stool pigeon.
And he kept you from
committing suicide.
No one will ever
escape from Stalag 13
as long as I'm its commandant.
And that won't be much longer.
Yeah, I'm busting out of your
prison camp, Colonel Klink.
Just wanted to give you
advance notice so you can pack.
You don't bust out of anyplace
until you bust out
of this bust-proof cell,
and that's a
good trick in itself.
That's why I'm glad
I'm locked up in here.
The more sensational my escape,
the sooner we'll get
you to a cooler climate.
Hogan, why did
you want to see me?
Just wanted to warn you.
I owe you that.
Oh, no, Hogan.
You just wanted to annoy me,
get me upset...
But it won't work.
Good night, Colonel.
These has-beens will do
anything to get attention.
Schultz, I really believe
that Hogan is cracking up.
Still convinced I can't
escape, aren't you?
Hogan, how many
times do I have to tell you,
no one ever escapes
from Stalag 13.
Care to make a
little bet on that?
Look, Hogan, I'm
very tired, it's late.
Why don't you go back to
your cell and go to bed, hmm?
What are you doing out here?
Just trying to make a bet.
Schultz, put him back in there.
Why weren't you watching him?
Herr Kommandant, I
was listening to you.
You are supposed
to guard prisoners,
not listen to foolish chatter.
But Herr Kommandant,
it was not foolish chatter.
Whatever you said
was very interesting.
Schultz, you Dummkopf,
you dunderhead.
If you fellas don't mind,
I'd like to get back
into my bust-proof cell
to start planning my escape.
Hogan, get back in there.
Good night.
See you in the morning... maybe.
Say au revoir, Hogan,
and get into the truck.
The men can write
you at Stalag 15.
I'll say my own good-byes,
if you don't mind.
Newkirk... you and Carter
take care of those packages?
Everything's all right, sir.
We should hear
something tonight.
Good luck, Colonel.
Is it all right if I give
Hogan a gift, Colonel?
What kind of a gift,
Colonel Crittendon?
Oh, just my swagger cane.
I'd... I'd like him to have it
for old time's sake.
All right, Hogan.
Take the stick and
get into the truck.
Hurry up, hurry up, men.
I don't want him
to miss the train.
Train?
You're going in
style today, Hogan.
The Berlin Express.
Berlin Express?
Did you hear that, guys?
I'm going to be on
the Berlin Express.
I hate good-byes,
so we'll just say
"Till we meet again."
Right.
And let's meet
real soon, shall we?
Soon!
I think one more
stroke ought to do it, sir.
We don't want to
bring her down just yet.
We'll wait until LeBeau
sees the van approaching.
Then with one blow,
my ax will drop this
tree in front of them.
Don't you think we ought
to do that now, Colonel,
instead of waiting
till the last minute?
Yeah, this is one train
we don't want the
colonel to catch.
The element of surprise will
be a great advantage to us.
We'll be on those guards
before they know what happened.
The colonel is right there.
They'll be like
sitting ducks for us.
Extraordinary thing.
It takes a long time to
change those tires, doesn't it?
Nothing to it on
an American truck.
Shut up.
Get back in the van.
They're almost ready to go.
About time.
Back inside... everyone.
Back inside.
That means you, too.
Inside!
What'd you do now to that tire?
Nothing, I-I-I...
just kicked it with my foot.
What are you using
for rubber these days...
Banana peels?
One more word from you...
No, you won't.
Put your hands up.
Move!
All right, you guys...
Let's see how fast
you can fix that tire.
What do we do
with them, Colonel?
We'll drop them off,
let the underground
take care of them.
Then can we drive
over by the refinery
and watch the explosion?
No time for that,
Carter... I got to get home.
Oh... oh, yeah, I forgot.
I expect you're eager to go.
Yes, I am.
As the song says,
be it ever so humble,
there's no place
like... Stalag 13.
Hogan, tell me...
When the underground freed you,
why did you come back here?
Been asking myself
that same question.
Some invisible force
seemed to be pulling me back.
I guess... aw, it sounds silly.
What?
You'll just laugh.
Please... I already
laughed once this week.
Hogan, what are
you trying to say?
I'm back because I
missed the old dungeon.
You have no idea how I
felt as I came over the hill
and saw the sun setting
beyond the machine-gun turrets.
Hogan!
The barbed wire
sparkling like spun gold
and the delousing
station at twilight time.
Colonel Klink...
this is a veritable paradise.
Hogan, I don't believe
one word of this.
But I agree with you
about Colonel Crittendon.
He cannot be trusted.
You give him one
inch, he'll take 50 yards.
You know, he'd gotten that far
when Schultz spotted him.
Crittendon tried
to make a break?
Oh, he denied it, of course.
Said he was coming
in, not going out.
Where is he now?
On his way to Stalag 15.
Oh, he's a menace.
He's got to be
locked up somewhere.
I mean somewhere else.
There is no room
here for troublemakers.
We can do without
him very nicely.
Incidentally, what
time have you got?
Oh, it's, uh, 7:29
and 40 seconds.
Exactly?
I just set it by my radio.
Hogan, what is it?
What's happening?
Your radio is 12 seconds slow.
What has that got to do with it?
Who knows?
Oh, one other thing, Colonel.
What?
Chop, chop, chop.