Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 18 - Is There a Doctor in the House? - full transcript
Klink's illness causes problems for one of Hogan's plots.
No personal calls on
company time, Kinch.
Shh! It's the British sub.
Roger. Over and out.
When can they
make the rendezvous?
Thursday. Thursday?
That means we're
going to have to hide her
for 48 hours. Her? What her?
Who's her?!
The girl from the
French underground
that Colonel
Hogan's bringing in.
The one we're going
to get out to the sub.
A girl?!
Janine Robinet...
a fashion model
in Paris before the war,
and one of the great
French beauties.
Ooh-la-la.
You never told me this!
It must have slipped me mind.
You are cruel, Newkirk.
The English are a cruel people.
They behead their wives!
Oh, come off it, LeBeau.
You seen one French
bird, you've seen... them all.
You were saying?
Blimey! I don't think old Henry
would put her head on the block.
Gentlemen, Janine Robinet.
This is LeBeau,
Newkirk, and that's Kinch.
How are you?
Hello.
Oh, you're French.
Oh, like a sidewalk cafe.
I've always been very
keen on French toast.
Never mind the salesmanship.
Merci.
Kinch, did you get
through to the sub?
All set, Colonel.
The rendezvous is
Thursday at 2200 hours
off Weingarten Beach.
Thursday. That's perfect.
When Klink leaves for the
staff meeting in Mendelburg,
we'll slip Janine into
the trunk of his car.
But, Colonel, Mendelburg
is 40 miles from the coast.
That's right, but
when he stops there,
the underground will
transfer you to a milk truck
for the rest of the trip.
But how do we know old Klink's
going to stop at Mendelburg?
Because he always stops
at Gretchen Adler's Hofbrau
for a glass of beer, a pinch
of salt and a pinch of barmaid.
No wonder he always comes
back with a smashed monocle.
Janine, you're going to
have to stay down here
for the next couple of
days, but you'll be safe.
Safe? It is the first time
I have felt safe in a long time.
But you, you are all
risking so much for me.
You and a lot of
other brave people
you've been working with.
But we can't let the
Gestapo get you.
But I would not talk.
We can't risk that...
Not with those animals.
Let's go.
Is there anything special
you would like for
dinner, Mademoiselle?
Ah, no need to
make a fuss, LeBeau.
Just send us down
whatever you got...
Maybe a bottle of wine
and a couple of candles.
I always dine by
candlelight, my dear.
Oh?
And you said the
English were cruel. Up.
Colonel, how
can you let this girl
eat down here by herself?
Who said she's
going to be by herself?
Janine?
Oui, Colonel?
I'll bring the wine.
Oh, lovely shot there, Kinchie!
Here you are, LeBeau.
See if you can do any better.
Okay, I'll try.
Colonel Hogan.
Yeah, we know,
Schultz... Roll call.
But I want the men
to finish their game.
There won't be any roll call.
Look, no arguments, Schultz.
This is our exercise period.
I said, there will
be no roll call!
And I said...
No roll call?
That's right.
Colonel Klink is sick.
Nothing trivial, I hope?
Probably the German measles.
Is it contagious, Schultzy?
I don't know; we don't even know
what kind of a
sickness he's got.
Well, just to be on
the safe side, Schultzy,
don't dance with me today.
You all have hearts of stone.
Schultz is right.
It's no laughing matter
when a man is sick,
especially when it's a
nice guy like Colonel Klink.
Who says he's a nice guy?
You want him so sick
that he can't get to the
staff meeting Thursday?
And what difference
would it make to you
if he goes to the staff meeting?
Well, for a start,
the man's been
going at it pretty hard.
Yes, he needs a rest.
I know I would need
a couple of days off
if I was a commander in a camp
where I was a prisoner.
Well, whatever Klink's
got, it's contagious.
Oh, come on, Schultz.
You just don't believe
in your fellow man.
I want to make sure
Klink is well enough
so he can get
away for a few days.
I don't believe it.
You are up to something.
All right, Schultz,
if you must know.
We're hiding a beautiful model
who is being hunted
by the Gestapo,
and we plan to
smuggle her out of camp
in the trunk of Klink's car.
Now, when he stops at
Gretchen Adler's Hofbrau
to get his monocle smashed,
the underground is
going to pick her up
and take her to
Weingarten Beach,
where a British sub
is going to surface
and take her back to England.
Is any of it true?
Only the part about
the smashed monocle.
Schultz, deep
down, you don't care,
but I intend to find
out just how sick
old, poor Colonel Klink is.
Why don't you try
a shot, Schultzy?
Yeah, don't eat them,
Schultz. Throw them.
I bet you a chocolate
bar you can't get a ringer.
Pay the man.
Come in, come in.
Colonel Klink? Dismissed, Hogan.
No complaints today.
Not here to complain, sir.
I just brought you some flowers.
Why, thank you.
There's a card there, too, sir.
There is?
"To the heavens we all shout
'Get well quick' to
our favorite Kraut."
Carter wrote the poem,
but it sort of says
it for all of us.
I'm overwhelmed
by your sentiment.
We're just a
bunch of softies, sir.
Mmm. Hogan, wait.
These flowers... you tore them
out of my garden, didn't you?
It's the thought that counts.
Dismissed, Hogan.
Now, leave me alone.
You know I don't feel well.
I just hope you get
well enough in time
to go to that staff meeting.
I have no choice.
If I didn't go there,
there'd be no use
having a staff meeting.
It'll please a
certain little barmaid
at Gretchen Adler's Hofbrau.
How do you know about that?
You know how
people like to gossip.
What's that? Cold compress.
Keep your eyes closed.
I didn't know that
air force pilots
were also medical officers.
You learn a lot
from dating nurses.
I don't think this is
going to do any good.
It can't hurt.
You've got to try everything.
I felt a lot better
before you put this on.
Mm-hmm. You just relax.
Hey, how about
me reading to you?
Just leave me alone.
A few chapters from Mein Kampf.
Or don't you go
for science fiction?
Hogan, you're talking
about our Fuhrer.
Aha! See, you're
feeling better already.
Please leave me alone.
All right, how about the
German officer's manual?
Why would I want you to
read out of the officer's manual?
One of us ought to know
about military funerals.
Hogan, you always go too far.
Tell me, Colonel,
do you want to wear your
helmet when we bury you,
or do you want it
on top of the coffin?
I consider that to
be in very bad taste.
I agree.
Having it on top of the
coffin is in bad taste.
Much too showy.
Dismissed, Hogan.
I order you back to
the barracks at once.
General Burkhalter.
General Burkhalter?!
What, may I ask, are
you doing, Colonel Hogan?
Reading Klink bedtime stories?
Uh, sir, Colonel
Hogan was just visiting.
I find it very interesting
that an American prisoner
should be so concerned
about the health
of a German commandant.
Well, it is true, we're
on opposite sides
and Colonel Klink
belongs to the enemy
but, after all, he
is a human being.
Give or take a little.
What is this?
Well, sir, you see,
the men, they were...
Klink, shut up,
or I'll put that compress
on your mouth.
"To the heavens we all shout
"'Get well quick' to
our favorite Kraut.
From the gang at Stalag 13."
Klink,
there must be something wrong
with the way you
are running this camp
if the prisoners should be so
concerned about your health.
You see, sir, the men were
worried about the commandant.
We think a lot of him.
I am not here to discuss
what you think of
Colonel Klink, Hogan!
Major Hochstetter
is in this area
looking for a member of
the French underground.
I do not wish any
trouble with the Gestapo.
I am sending for Colonel Busser
to take over
during your illness.
But General Burkhalter,
the staff meeting...
Klink!
They won't even
know you are missing.
Dr. Kronk will
examine you tomorrow,
and I am recommending
that you be sent to a rest camp.
Klink's going to a rest camp?
Yup.
LeBEAU: But then
it will be impossible
to get Janine to Mendelburg
to meet the underground.
That's right.
What are we going
to do, Colonel?
We've got to cure Klink
before the medical
officer gets here.
What do you think he's got?
Nothing. A mild case of the flu.
Where's our medic?
In the hospital with
a mild case of the flu.
Swell.
I think I could cure Klink.
I remember a remedy
that my grandmother had.
Everybody's
grandmother's got a remedy.
But my grandmother
happened to be a midwife.
Oh, well, if we hear
Klink's going to have a baby,
we'll call for you.
Very funny.
All right, knock it off.
Kinch, get in touch with London.
Tell them we need an
emergency drop of penicillin.
Right, Colonel.
Colonel, you think you
can get Klink to sit still
for a shot of penicillin?
We don't want him to sit still.
We want him to bend over.
He's not going to know
he's going to get the shot.
He's not? Of course not.
He's going to think
he's being cured
by your grandmother's remedy.
Incidentally, what is it?
A hot mustard
plaster on the chest.
And, around the
neck, a string of garlic.
We may cure
Klink, but I'm afraid
he's going to strike out
with the barmaid again.
Carter, never mind
laughing. Do some work.
Now, come on. Get on with it.
All right.
You don't see anything
different about me, do you?
All right, let's go.
Uh-huh. Two flashes blue,
two white, two more blue.
All right, Newkirk,
give them the answer.
They read us. Let's go.
Make it fast.
The Krauts might have
seen this come down.
And, if they find
it, they find us.
Kinch, here's the penicillin.
Right.
You know, that
mustard plaster of yours
don't smell like
any mustard plaster
my grandmother used to make.
Kinch is right. Smells
good enough to eat.
It is. I made it with
béarnaise sauce.
Béarnaise sauce?
I was out of mustard.
You think Klink
will go for that?
When we get finished with him,
he'd be willing to put a
banana split on his chest.
Qu'est-ce que
c'est banana split?
Well, you cut a banana in half,
you layer on a few
scoops of ice cream,
then some whipped
cream, some nuts,
put a cherry on top,
cover the whole thing
with chocolate sauce...
Please don't talk like that
in front of my béarnaise sauce.
All right.
Halt! Who goes there?
Heinrich Himmler,
Joseph Goebbels,
and I'm Hermann Goering.
Jolly jokers.
Herr Kommandant
left strict orders
not to be disturbed.
Schultz, the poor man is sick.
There are absolutely
no visiting hours here!
We did not come to visit.
We're on a mission of mercy.
Mission of mercy? That's right.
We're a crack
medical team, Schultz,
and we've got something here
that's going to
cure Colonel Klink.
Oh, it smells good
enough to eat.
That's medicine.
You cannot go in there.
You've got a heart of stone.
Those are my orders!
Look at it this way, Schultz.
If Klink doesn't get well,
do you know what's
going to happen?
They're going to ship
him off to a rest camp,
and that's just a
jumping-off spot
for the Russian front.
Ja?
Look at it another way, Schultz.
Who's the first one Klink's
going to take with him?
Who can refuse a
mission of mercy?
Please save the commandant.
And, if you need any
blood, don't go to strangers.
Come in, come in.
Well, well. How's
our patient today?
Dismissed, Hogan.
I'm a very sick man.
Exactly why we're here.
Stalag 13's answer
to the Mayo brothers.
Will you please all leave?
You're looking at a
man with 102 fever.
No problem.
LeBeau has a perfect cure.
It's an old remedy
his grandmother used.
I'm not interested
in old remedies.
The doctor will be here soon.
He'll see how sick I am.
He'll send me to a rest camp.
A rest camp?
I thought Burkhalter
was kidding.
Don't let him send you, sir.
Why not?
You heard what happened
to Colonel Feldkamp
at Stalag 15?
How do you know
about Colonel Feldkamp?
I have my sources.
You and your sources.
Rumors, rumors, rumors.
Yeah, yeah. I
guess you're right.
My sources aren't too reliable.
After all, it's the same place
where I heard about you
and that barmaid at Mendelburg.
What about Feldkamp?
They thought he
was so overworked,
they sent him to a rest camp.
And, when he got
out, he was so rested
they sent him to
the Russian front.
Now he's really
resting... In peace.
Poor Feldkamp.
Please, Colonel, for our sake,
don't let him send
you to a rest camp.
What kind of a remedy
did your grandmother
have, cockroach?
Oh, it's a fabulous
cure, Colonel.
First, you wear this ring
of garlic around your neck.
That's to draw off the
poison in your system.
Then we put this secret
béarnaise sauce
plaster on your chest.
A béarnaise sauce
plaster on my chest?
Ridiculous.
Remember, they
laughed at Fleming
with his moldy bread.
Open your shirt,
Colonel. I will not.
All right, let him
carry it with him.
Take the chill off the cool
breeze from the Volga.
I will, I will.
Believe me, by tomorrow,
you'll be as good as new.
You know, I have heard
of these old-fashioned
treatments.
My grandfather used
to get it all the time.
He lived to be 108.
Oh, that's remarkable.
He would be alive today
if he hadn't gotten
involved with a young widow.
Oh, well, that's another story.
Something the matter, sir?
Something stuck me.
Probably a loose
spring in the mattress.
I'll have Schultz
fix it right away.
I think the best thing
now is plenty of sleep.
We'll stop by in the morning.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Oh, cockroach?
Yes, sir.
Do you really think
that béarnaise sauce plaster
and the garlic could cure me?
Absolutely.
Just don't expect
too many visitors.
Amazing!
You look the picture of health.
Good morning, good morning!
I feel absolutely marvelous.
Corporal LeBeau,
I am most grateful
to you and your grandmother.
That sauce béarnaise plaster
was an absolute miracle drug.
Now you'll be able to go
to your big staff meeting.
Oh, yes, I'm
looking forward to it.
All you need now is a
shatterproof monocle.
Come in, come in.
Colonel Klink?
Yes, yes? Dr. Kronk.
Ah, Dr. Kronk,
how nice to see you!
These are two of my prisoners...
Colonel Hogan, Corporal LeBeau.
But I thought I would
find you sick in bed.
Aha! That was yesterday.
Today I am in perfect health.
You must be to be eating
such rich food for lunch.
Oh, I haven't had my lunch yet.
Then my compliments
to your chef.
They must be cooking
something quite
delicious in the mess hall.
I think you're smelling
the béarnaise sauce.
Yes, that's what cured me.
Oh? You were cured by
eating béarnaise sauce?
No, Doctor.
We put it on his chest.
Yesterday, I had 102 fever.
This morning, I woke
up absolutely normal.
Here, feel my head.
You are fine.
It is me I am worrying about.
I understand the Fuhrer
goes in for offbeat cures.
You could make
a big hit with him
with this béarnaise
sauce plaster.
I could also be
practicing medicine
on the Russian front.
Doctor, I can assure
you that this cure works.
The Fuhrer would
be most grateful.
LeBeau, write out a
prescription for the doctor.
You can get it filled at
almost any French restaurant.
Never mind.
German doctors
are a little sensitive
when they discover they're
behind the French in medicine.
We are not behind the French.
Well, it's obvious
that there is a béarnaise
sauce plaster gap.
You must excuse
me, please, Colonel.
I have other calls to make.
Pleasure to see you, sir.
Well, our troubles are over.
Our troubles?
Well, now you can go
to your staff meeting.
Yes, I can.
Klink!
Major Hochstetter!
What are these men doing here?
I'm his personal physician.
I'm his night nurse.
What can I do for you, Major?
For the next 48 hours,
no one is to go in
or out of this camp.
And you are ordered immediately
to double your security force.
Double the security force?
With his record?
What are these men doing here?
He's right, sir.
There has never been
a successful escape
from Stalag 13.
We have reason to
believe there's a girl
from the French
underground in this area.
A French girl?
This is a piece of cloth
from a garment she wore.
Hmm. That's interesting.
Very interesting.
Tomorrow, at precisely 3:00,
we are bringing in tracking dogs
especially trained
by the Gestapo.
It is possible this girl is
hiding in this very camp.
Oh, no, sir.
Impossible. Ridiculous.
What are these men doing here!?
Sir, do you think the
tracking dogs are necessary?
Yes, I think they're necessary!
Yes, sir, I think
they're necessary, too.
A very wise move.
I shall cooperate with you
to the fullest,
Major Hochstetter.
Clumsy!
Here, let me wipe
that up for you.
Are you crazy?
I'm sorry. That's what
you're using to find the girl.
If the dogs lead
Hochstetter to the barracks,
Janine goes, and so
does our whole operation.
Right. Now, everything depends
on split-second timing.
Newkirk, you've got
to have the girl ready
at exactly 2:45. Right, sir.
I shall have her
ready at exactly 2:55.
He just said 2:45.
I'm going to need
at least ten minutes
to make up with her.
Newkirk. 2:50?
2:45! All right, sir.
Kinch, you and
Carter are responsible
for getting Janine
across the compound
to Klink's car.
Right. Okay.
Colonel.
The béarnaise
sauce plaster is ready.
Good.
How are we supposed
to manage all this
if they're bringing in
those tracking dogs?
'Cause they're going
to be tracking Klink.
Klink? That's right.
He's our red herring
with béarnaise sauce.
Isn't he off that phone yet?
He's still talking to
General Burkhalter.
We're running behind schedule.
Wait. He just finished.
All right, look. If
Hochstetter arrives,
try to stall him. How?
Tell him Klink is talking
to the General Staff.
No, that's no
good; he'd listen in.
Um, play up to him.
Invite him to the next Joy
Through Strength picnic.
I couldn't. I can't
stand that man.
Don't be too harsh on him.
Underneath that
black Gestapo uniform
beats a warm, sensitive...
Swastika. Forget it.
Tell him Himmler wants
him to call him, collect.
Office of the commandant.
Major Hochstetter?
Yes, I'll have him call
Reichfuhrer Himmler
as soon as he arrives. Collect.
But, Hogan, I
feel perfectly well.
We didn't want to say anything
in front of Major Hochstetter,
but your eyes look funny.
My eyes? Yes, they look glassy.
But that's nonsense.
I feel perfectly well.
And your face... it's got
that same pale
green color it had
just before you got sick.
It does? Mm-hmm.
To tell you the truth,
I don't feel so well,
and I'm getting warmer.
Am I all right?
Don't worry, Colonel.
And I wanted so much
to attend that meeting.
She's waiting...
I mean, they're waiting.
LeBeau, I think we
caught it just in time.
Quick, Colonel.
What are you doing?
Well, we've got to go
back to your treatment.
Open your shirt, Colonel.
You think that's necessary?
Would you rather gamble
on an all-expense trip
to the Russian front
by way of a rest camp?
No, no, no.
Do you think it'll work again?
This and the bicycle ride.
What bicycle ride? That's right.
That's the one thing
LeBeau forgot...
Fresh air and exercise.
That's why my
grandfather lived to be 108.
Uh-huh. We've got a
bicycle right outside.
A couple of times
around the camp
and you'll be in great
shape for the staff meeting.
With a little stop
in Mendelburg.
I'm beginning to
feel better already.
All right, now, take it easy.
And keep your head down.
Now, remember, Colonel,
twice around the camp.
Yeah, and I suggest
you ride that way, sir.
It'll be easier for you.
Why will it be easier?
The wind'll be at your back.
Oh, that's a wonderful idea.
Better hold him up. That's it.
Merci.
Move around her, fellas.
There's Hochstetter
and his dog act.
Let's hope the
béarnaise sauce takes.
LeBeau, you're a big success.
Schultz! Ahh!
Let's go.
Thank you for
everything, Colonel.
Especially for the
candlelight dinner.
My pleasure but, next
time, let's go to your place.
Good luck.
All right, get going.
Bon appétit, little doggies!
I wish I could see Klink's face.
Schultz! Schultz!
How much does he owe you?
Well, let's just put it
he's going to have to
work for me after the war.
I just got word
from the British sub.
Janine is aboard and
on her way to England.
She sends thanks to all.
That's great.
Did she send me a message?
A message for you?
I hate to break
your heart, LeBeau
but, before she left,
we overcame the
language barrier.
You know, I almost forgot.
Janine said to tell you
that exactly one year
after the armistice,
she'll meet you
under the Eiffel Tower
at 1:00 in the afternoon.
She'll be wearing
a pink cotton dress,
and you should wear a
carnation in your lapel.
Are you kidding?
Boy, am I kidding.
Colonel Klink.
Welcome back, sir.
How do you feel?
The Fuhrer should feel so good.
Staff meeting went well?
Yes. And, uh, Mendelburg?
Hogan, to tell you the truth,
I think I've got to stop
seeing that barmaid.
Really?
Yes. She's getting too serious.
She couldn't keep her
hands off me this time.
Well, I can understand that.
It's a shame. She
was such a lovely girl.
Mm-hmm.
Well, that's women for you.
Smashed your monocle
and everything, huh?
company time, Kinch.
Shh! It's the British sub.
Roger. Over and out.
When can they
make the rendezvous?
Thursday. Thursday?
That means we're
going to have to hide her
for 48 hours. Her? What her?
Who's her?!
The girl from the
French underground
that Colonel
Hogan's bringing in.
The one we're going
to get out to the sub.
A girl?!
Janine Robinet...
a fashion model
in Paris before the war,
and one of the great
French beauties.
Ooh-la-la.
You never told me this!
It must have slipped me mind.
You are cruel, Newkirk.
The English are a cruel people.
They behead their wives!
Oh, come off it, LeBeau.
You seen one French
bird, you've seen... them all.
You were saying?
Blimey! I don't think old Henry
would put her head on the block.
Gentlemen, Janine Robinet.
This is LeBeau,
Newkirk, and that's Kinch.
How are you?
Hello.
Oh, you're French.
Oh, like a sidewalk cafe.
I've always been very
keen on French toast.
Never mind the salesmanship.
Merci.
Kinch, did you get
through to the sub?
All set, Colonel.
The rendezvous is
Thursday at 2200 hours
off Weingarten Beach.
Thursday. That's perfect.
When Klink leaves for the
staff meeting in Mendelburg,
we'll slip Janine into
the trunk of his car.
But, Colonel, Mendelburg
is 40 miles from the coast.
That's right, but
when he stops there,
the underground will
transfer you to a milk truck
for the rest of the trip.
But how do we know old Klink's
going to stop at Mendelburg?
Because he always stops
at Gretchen Adler's Hofbrau
for a glass of beer, a pinch
of salt and a pinch of barmaid.
No wonder he always comes
back with a smashed monocle.
Janine, you're going to
have to stay down here
for the next couple of
days, but you'll be safe.
Safe? It is the first time
I have felt safe in a long time.
But you, you are all
risking so much for me.
You and a lot of
other brave people
you've been working with.
But we can't let the
Gestapo get you.
But I would not talk.
We can't risk that...
Not with those animals.
Let's go.
Is there anything special
you would like for
dinner, Mademoiselle?
Ah, no need to
make a fuss, LeBeau.
Just send us down
whatever you got...
Maybe a bottle of wine
and a couple of candles.
I always dine by
candlelight, my dear.
Oh?
And you said the
English were cruel. Up.
Colonel, how
can you let this girl
eat down here by herself?
Who said she's
going to be by herself?
Janine?
Oui, Colonel?
I'll bring the wine.
Oh, lovely shot there, Kinchie!
Here you are, LeBeau.
See if you can do any better.
Okay, I'll try.
Colonel Hogan.
Yeah, we know,
Schultz... Roll call.
But I want the men
to finish their game.
There won't be any roll call.
Look, no arguments, Schultz.
This is our exercise period.
I said, there will
be no roll call!
And I said...
No roll call?
That's right.
Colonel Klink is sick.
Nothing trivial, I hope?
Probably the German measles.
Is it contagious, Schultzy?
I don't know; we don't even know
what kind of a
sickness he's got.
Well, just to be on
the safe side, Schultzy,
don't dance with me today.
You all have hearts of stone.
Schultz is right.
It's no laughing matter
when a man is sick,
especially when it's a
nice guy like Colonel Klink.
Who says he's a nice guy?
You want him so sick
that he can't get to the
staff meeting Thursday?
And what difference
would it make to you
if he goes to the staff meeting?
Well, for a start,
the man's been
going at it pretty hard.
Yes, he needs a rest.
I know I would need
a couple of days off
if I was a commander in a camp
where I was a prisoner.
Well, whatever Klink's
got, it's contagious.
Oh, come on, Schultz.
You just don't believe
in your fellow man.
I want to make sure
Klink is well enough
so he can get
away for a few days.
I don't believe it.
You are up to something.
All right, Schultz,
if you must know.
We're hiding a beautiful model
who is being hunted
by the Gestapo,
and we plan to
smuggle her out of camp
in the trunk of Klink's car.
Now, when he stops at
Gretchen Adler's Hofbrau
to get his monocle smashed,
the underground is
going to pick her up
and take her to
Weingarten Beach,
where a British sub
is going to surface
and take her back to England.
Is any of it true?
Only the part about
the smashed monocle.
Schultz, deep
down, you don't care,
but I intend to find
out just how sick
old, poor Colonel Klink is.
Why don't you try
a shot, Schultzy?
Yeah, don't eat them,
Schultz. Throw them.
I bet you a chocolate
bar you can't get a ringer.
Pay the man.
Come in, come in.
Colonel Klink? Dismissed, Hogan.
No complaints today.
Not here to complain, sir.
I just brought you some flowers.
Why, thank you.
There's a card there, too, sir.
There is?
"To the heavens we all shout
'Get well quick' to
our favorite Kraut."
Carter wrote the poem,
but it sort of says
it for all of us.
I'm overwhelmed
by your sentiment.
We're just a
bunch of softies, sir.
Mmm. Hogan, wait.
These flowers... you tore them
out of my garden, didn't you?
It's the thought that counts.
Dismissed, Hogan.
Now, leave me alone.
You know I don't feel well.
I just hope you get
well enough in time
to go to that staff meeting.
I have no choice.
If I didn't go there,
there'd be no use
having a staff meeting.
It'll please a
certain little barmaid
at Gretchen Adler's Hofbrau.
How do you know about that?
You know how
people like to gossip.
What's that? Cold compress.
Keep your eyes closed.
I didn't know that
air force pilots
were also medical officers.
You learn a lot
from dating nurses.
I don't think this is
going to do any good.
It can't hurt.
You've got to try everything.
I felt a lot better
before you put this on.
Mm-hmm. You just relax.
Hey, how about
me reading to you?
Just leave me alone.
A few chapters from Mein Kampf.
Or don't you go
for science fiction?
Hogan, you're talking
about our Fuhrer.
Aha! See, you're
feeling better already.
Please leave me alone.
All right, how about the
German officer's manual?
Why would I want you to
read out of the officer's manual?
One of us ought to know
about military funerals.
Hogan, you always go too far.
Tell me, Colonel,
do you want to wear your
helmet when we bury you,
or do you want it
on top of the coffin?
I consider that to
be in very bad taste.
I agree.
Having it on top of the
coffin is in bad taste.
Much too showy.
Dismissed, Hogan.
I order you back to
the barracks at once.
General Burkhalter.
General Burkhalter?!
What, may I ask, are
you doing, Colonel Hogan?
Reading Klink bedtime stories?
Uh, sir, Colonel
Hogan was just visiting.
I find it very interesting
that an American prisoner
should be so concerned
about the health
of a German commandant.
Well, it is true, we're
on opposite sides
and Colonel Klink
belongs to the enemy
but, after all, he
is a human being.
Give or take a little.
What is this?
Well, sir, you see,
the men, they were...
Klink, shut up,
or I'll put that compress
on your mouth.
"To the heavens we all shout
"'Get well quick' to
our favorite Kraut.
From the gang at Stalag 13."
Klink,
there must be something wrong
with the way you
are running this camp
if the prisoners should be so
concerned about your health.
You see, sir, the men were
worried about the commandant.
We think a lot of him.
I am not here to discuss
what you think of
Colonel Klink, Hogan!
Major Hochstetter
is in this area
looking for a member of
the French underground.
I do not wish any
trouble with the Gestapo.
I am sending for Colonel Busser
to take over
during your illness.
But General Burkhalter,
the staff meeting...
Klink!
They won't even
know you are missing.
Dr. Kronk will
examine you tomorrow,
and I am recommending
that you be sent to a rest camp.
Klink's going to a rest camp?
Yup.
LeBEAU: But then
it will be impossible
to get Janine to Mendelburg
to meet the underground.
That's right.
What are we going
to do, Colonel?
We've got to cure Klink
before the medical
officer gets here.
What do you think he's got?
Nothing. A mild case of the flu.
Where's our medic?
In the hospital with
a mild case of the flu.
Swell.
I think I could cure Klink.
I remember a remedy
that my grandmother had.
Everybody's
grandmother's got a remedy.
But my grandmother
happened to be a midwife.
Oh, well, if we hear
Klink's going to have a baby,
we'll call for you.
Very funny.
All right, knock it off.
Kinch, get in touch with London.
Tell them we need an
emergency drop of penicillin.
Right, Colonel.
Colonel, you think you
can get Klink to sit still
for a shot of penicillin?
We don't want him to sit still.
We want him to bend over.
He's not going to know
he's going to get the shot.
He's not? Of course not.
He's going to think
he's being cured
by your grandmother's remedy.
Incidentally, what is it?
A hot mustard
plaster on the chest.
And, around the
neck, a string of garlic.
We may cure
Klink, but I'm afraid
he's going to strike out
with the barmaid again.
Carter, never mind
laughing. Do some work.
Now, come on. Get on with it.
All right.
You don't see anything
different about me, do you?
All right, let's go.
Uh-huh. Two flashes blue,
two white, two more blue.
All right, Newkirk,
give them the answer.
They read us. Let's go.
Make it fast.
The Krauts might have
seen this come down.
And, if they find
it, they find us.
Kinch, here's the penicillin.
Right.
You know, that
mustard plaster of yours
don't smell like
any mustard plaster
my grandmother used to make.
Kinch is right. Smells
good enough to eat.
It is. I made it with
béarnaise sauce.
Béarnaise sauce?
I was out of mustard.
You think Klink
will go for that?
When we get finished with him,
he'd be willing to put a
banana split on his chest.
Qu'est-ce que
c'est banana split?
Well, you cut a banana in half,
you layer on a few
scoops of ice cream,
then some whipped
cream, some nuts,
put a cherry on top,
cover the whole thing
with chocolate sauce...
Please don't talk like that
in front of my béarnaise sauce.
All right.
Halt! Who goes there?
Heinrich Himmler,
Joseph Goebbels,
and I'm Hermann Goering.
Jolly jokers.
Herr Kommandant
left strict orders
not to be disturbed.
Schultz, the poor man is sick.
There are absolutely
no visiting hours here!
We did not come to visit.
We're on a mission of mercy.
Mission of mercy? That's right.
We're a crack
medical team, Schultz,
and we've got something here
that's going to
cure Colonel Klink.
Oh, it smells good
enough to eat.
That's medicine.
You cannot go in there.
You've got a heart of stone.
Those are my orders!
Look at it this way, Schultz.
If Klink doesn't get well,
do you know what's
going to happen?
They're going to ship
him off to a rest camp,
and that's just a
jumping-off spot
for the Russian front.
Ja?
Look at it another way, Schultz.
Who's the first one Klink's
going to take with him?
Who can refuse a
mission of mercy?
Please save the commandant.
And, if you need any
blood, don't go to strangers.
Come in, come in.
Well, well. How's
our patient today?
Dismissed, Hogan.
I'm a very sick man.
Exactly why we're here.
Stalag 13's answer
to the Mayo brothers.
Will you please all leave?
You're looking at a
man with 102 fever.
No problem.
LeBeau has a perfect cure.
It's an old remedy
his grandmother used.
I'm not interested
in old remedies.
The doctor will be here soon.
He'll see how sick I am.
He'll send me to a rest camp.
A rest camp?
I thought Burkhalter
was kidding.
Don't let him send you, sir.
Why not?
You heard what happened
to Colonel Feldkamp
at Stalag 15?
How do you know
about Colonel Feldkamp?
I have my sources.
You and your sources.
Rumors, rumors, rumors.
Yeah, yeah. I
guess you're right.
My sources aren't too reliable.
After all, it's the same place
where I heard about you
and that barmaid at Mendelburg.
What about Feldkamp?
They thought he
was so overworked,
they sent him to a rest camp.
And, when he got
out, he was so rested
they sent him to
the Russian front.
Now he's really
resting... In peace.
Poor Feldkamp.
Please, Colonel, for our sake,
don't let him send
you to a rest camp.
What kind of a remedy
did your grandmother
have, cockroach?
Oh, it's a fabulous
cure, Colonel.
First, you wear this ring
of garlic around your neck.
That's to draw off the
poison in your system.
Then we put this secret
béarnaise sauce
plaster on your chest.
A béarnaise sauce
plaster on my chest?
Ridiculous.
Remember, they
laughed at Fleming
with his moldy bread.
Open your shirt,
Colonel. I will not.
All right, let him
carry it with him.
Take the chill off the cool
breeze from the Volga.
I will, I will.
Believe me, by tomorrow,
you'll be as good as new.
You know, I have heard
of these old-fashioned
treatments.
My grandfather used
to get it all the time.
He lived to be 108.
Oh, that's remarkable.
He would be alive today
if he hadn't gotten
involved with a young widow.
Oh, well, that's another story.
Something the matter, sir?
Something stuck me.
Probably a loose
spring in the mattress.
I'll have Schultz
fix it right away.
I think the best thing
now is plenty of sleep.
We'll stop by in the morning.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Oh, cockroach?
Yes, sir.
Do you really think
that béarnaise sauce plaster
and the garlic could cure me?
Absolutely.
Just don't expect
too many visitors.
Amazing!
You look the picture of health.
Good morning, good morning!
I feel absolutely marvelous.
Corporal LeBeau,
I am most grateful
to you and your grandmother.
That sauce béarnaise plaster
was an absolute miracle drug.
Now you'll be able to go
to your big staff meeting.
Oh, yes, I'm
looking forward to it.
All you need now is a
shatterproof monocle.
Come in, come in.
Colonel Klink?
Yes, yes? Dr. Kronk.
Ah, Dr. Kronk,
how nice to see you!
These are two of my prisoners...
Colonel Hogan, Corporal LeBeau.
But I thought I would
find you sick in bed.
Aha! That was yesterday.
Today I am in perfect health.
You must be to be eating
such rich food for lunch.
Oh, I haven't had my lunch yet.
Then my compliments
to your chef.
They must be cooking
something quite
delicious in the mess hall.
I think you're smelling
the béarnaise sauce.
Yes, that's what cured me.
Oh? You were cured by
eating béarnaise sauce?
No, Doctor.
We put it on his chest.
Yesterday, I had 102 fever.
This morning, I woke
up absolutely normal.
Here, feel my head.
You are fine.
It is me I am worrying about.
I understand the Fuhrer
goes in for offbeat cures.
You could make
a big hit with him
with this béarnaise
sauce plaster.
I could also be
practicing medicine
on the Russian front.
Doctor, I can assure
you that this cure works.
The Fuhrer would
be most grateful.
LeBeau, write out a
prescription for the doctor.
You can get it filled at
almost any French restaurant.
Never mind.
German doctors
are a little sensitive
when they discover they're
behind the French in medicine.
We are not behind the French.
Well, it's obvious
that there is a béarnaise
sauce plaster gap.
You must excuse
me, please, Colonel.
I have other calls to make.
Pleasure to see you, sir.
Well, our troubles are over.
Our troubles?
Well, now you can go
to your staff meeting.
Yes, I can.
Klink!
Major Hochstetter!
What are these men doing here?
I'm his personal physician.
I'm his night nurse.
What can I do for you, Major?
For the next 48 hours,
no one is to go in
or out of this camp.
And you are ordered immediately
to double your security force.
Double the security force?
With his record?
What are these men doing here?
He's right, sir.
There has never been
a successful escape
from Stalag 13.
We have reason to
believe there's a girl
from the French
underground in this area.
A French girl?
This is a piece of cloth
from a garment she wore.
Hmm. That's interesting.
Very interesting.
Tomorrow, at precisely 3:00,
we are bringing in tracking dogs
especially trained
by the Gestapo.
It is possible this girl is
hiding in this very camp.
Oh, no, sir.
Impossible. Ridiculous.
What are these men doing here!?
Sir, do you think the
tracking dogs are necessary?
Yes, I think they're necessary!
Yes, sir, I think
they're necessary, too.
A very wise move.
I shall cooperate with you
to the fullest,
Major Hochstetter.
Clumsy!
Here, let me wipe
that up for you.
Are you crazy?
I'm sorry. That's what
you're using to find the girl.
If the dogs lead
Hochstetter to the barracks,
Janine goes, and so
does our whole operation.
Right. Now, everything depends
on split-second timing.
Newkirk, you've got
to have the girl ready
at exactly 2:45. Right, sir.
I shall have her
ready at exactly 2:55.
He just said 2:45.
I'm going to need
at least ten minutes
to make up with her.
Newkirk. 2:50?
2:45! All right, sir.
Kinch, you and
Carter are responsible
for getting Janine
across the compound
to Klink's car.
Right. Okay.
Colonel.
The béarnaise
sauce plaster is ready.
Good.
How are we supposed
to manage all this
if they're bringing in
those tracking dogs?
'Cause they're going
to be tracking Klink.
Klink? That's right.
He's our red herring
with béarnaise sauce.
Isn't he off that phone yet?
He's still talking to
General Burkhalter.
We're running behind schedule.
Wait. He just finished.
All right, look. If
Hochstetter arrives,
try to stall him. How?
Tell him Klink is talking
to the General Staff.
No, that's no
good; he'd listen in.
Um, play up to him.
Invite him to the next Joy
Through Strength picnic.
I couldn't. I can't
stand that man.
Don't be too harsh on him.
Underneath that
black Gestapo uniform
beats a warm, sensitive...
Swastika. Forget it.
Tell him Himmler wants
him to call him, collect.
Office of the commandant.
Major Hochstetter?
Yes, I'll have him call
Reichfuhrer Himmler
as soon as he arrives. Collect.
But, Hogan, I
feel perfectly well.
We didn't want to say anything
in front of Major Hochstetter,
but your eyes look funny.
My eyes? Yes, they look glassy.
But that's nonsense.
I feel perfectly well.
And your face... it's got
that same pale
green color it had
just before you got sick.
It does? Mm-hmm.
To tell you the truth,
I don't feel so well,
and I'm getting warmer.
Am I all right?
Don't worry, Colonel.
And I wanted so much
to attend that meeting.
She's waiting...
I mean, they're waiting.
LeBeau, I think we
caught it just in time.
Quick, Colonel.
What are you doing?
Well, we've got to go
back to your treatment.
Open your shirt, Colonel.
You think that's necessary?
Would you rather gamble
on an all-expense trip
to the Russian front
by way of a rest camp?
No, no, no.
Do you think it'll work again?
This and the bicycle ride.
What bicycle ride? That's right.
That's the one thing
LeBeau forgot...
Fresh air and exercise.
That's why my
grandfather lived to be 108.
Uh-huh. We've got a
bicycle right outside.
A couple of times
around the camp
and you'll be in great
shape for the staff meeting.
With a little stop
in Mendelburg.
I'm beginning to
feel better already.
All right, now, take it easy.
And keep your head down.
Now, remember, Colonel,
twice around the camp.
Yeah, and I suggest
you ride that way, sir.
It'll be easier for you.
Why will it be easier?
The wind'll be at your back.
Oh, that's a wonderful idea.
Better hold him up. That's it.
Merci.
Move around her, fellas.
There's Hochstetter
and his dog act.
Let's hope the
béarnaise sauce takes.
LeBeau, you're a big success.
Schultz! Ahh!
Let's go.
Thank you for
everything, Colonel.
Especially for the
candlelight dinner.
My pleasure but, next
time, let's go to your place.
Good luck.
All right, get going.
Bon appétit, little doggies!
I wish I could see Klink's face.
Schultz! Schultz!
How much does he owe you?
Well, let's just put it
he's going to have to
work for me after the war.
I just got word
from the British sub.
Janine is aboard and
on her way to England.
She sends thanks to all.
That's great.
Did she send me a message?
A message for you?
I hate to break
your heart, LeBeau
but, before she left,
we overcame the
language barrier.
You know, I almost forgot.
Janine said to tell you
that exactly one year
after the armistice,
she'll meet you
under the Eiffel Tower
at 1:00 in the afternoon.
She'll be wearing
a pink cotton dress,
and you should wear a
carnation in your lapel.
Are you kidding?
Boy, am I kidding.
Colonel Klink.
Welcome back, sir.
How do you feel?
The Fuhrer should feel so good.
Staff meeting went well?
Yes. And, uh, Mendelburg?
Hogan, to tell you the truth,
I think I've got to stop
seeing that barmaid.
Really?
Yes. She's getting too serious.
She couldn't keep her
hands off me this time.
Well, I can understand that.
It's a shame. She
was such a lovely girl.
Mm-hmm.
Well, that's women for you.
Smashed your monocle
and everything, huh?