Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 17 - Two Nazis for the Price of One - full transcript

Naturally, Major Hochstetter,
I'm not trying to tell

the Gestapo how
to run their business.

I should think not.

I was merely suggesting
that if you'd told me

what you wanted
from Colonel Hogan,

I might have saved you the trip.

That is ridiculous.

That is exactly right, and I
don't even know why I said it.

This is not the
job for an amateur.

Gruppenfuhrer Freitag
himself personally

has ordered me
to question Hogan.



He is waiting for my report.

Gruppenfuhrer Freitag?

Oh, that's top, top
level Gestapo. I...

Come in!

You wanted to see me, Colonel?

I'm sorry. I didn't
know you had company.

The Gestapo is not company.

Frankly, I never thought
much of them myself.

Hogan, you will show a little
respect for Major Hochstetter!

Just a little, sir?

I mean a lot of respect!

And please, don't
twist my words.

I will take over, Klink.

Colonel, I will stand
for no nonsense.



I want some
information from you.

Gosh, you mean there's something

the Gestapo doesn't know?

What we don't know, we
have ways of finding out...

Ways that are not
always... pleasant.

Don't make trouble
for yourself. Talk.

Klink, will you
stay out of this?

Colonel, sit down, please.

Tell me, Colonel,
what do you know

about the Manhattan Project?

What is it?

Maybe they're selling

the island back to the Indians?

The 504th Bomb
Group was assigned

to the Manhattan
Project, is that right?

Were they?

You should know.

You commanded the
504th Bomb Group.

Did I?

They have been
taken out of combat

and sent back to the States

for special training, correct?

How 'bout that!

Those are not
answers. You better...

Klink!

Colonel, may I remind you

that the Gestapo can
be very unfriendly?

Very unfriendly.

You know, I've heard that,

and I've often wondered,
what's a nice guy like you

doing in an outfit like that?

Of course, we could give
you the time to think it over

in a special cell we have.

It's not big enough
to stand up in,

and it is not big
enough to lie down in.

Sounds like a hotel room
I once had in Cleveland.

During the days, the temperature

is 140 degrees, and at
night, it is below freezing.

That's the hotel, all right.

Then, if you still won't talk,

you will be starved,
tortured and then shot.

Well, Colonel,
what you say, hmm?

What can I say?

You've made me
homesick for Cleveland.

All right, Colonel,

that will be all.

For now!

I certainly enjoy
these impromptu chats.

We should do it more often.

I must make my report
to Gruppenfuhrer Freitag.

What are you going to report?

That being nice didn't work.

Kill that transmission.

Shut down right now.

What's the matter?

The Nazis have a spy
at Allied headquarters.

I don't want this radio used
till we find out who he is.

How do you know
there is a spy, Colonel?

I was just visiting
with the Gestapo.

They know I was with
the 504th Bomb Group

and that they've been
transferred back to the States.

So they know. What
good does that do them?

The only place they
could have found that out

is headquarters in London.

Well, if there's a spy,

shouldn't we tell them about it?

How? Send it on the radio?

We might be telling
it to the spy himself.

That'd be a waste of
time. He already knows.

There's got to be
another way to tip them off.

Have you got the schedule
of the courier planes

between Washington and London?

Yeah, right here.

Good.

General Butler left
Washington this morning.

Must be halfway across
the Atlantic right now.

Can we reach him with our radio?

No, that's out of our range.

We'd need a bigger antenna.

Can you make one?

I guess so.

All right. Good. Go ahead.

It's a good thing you
found out about that spy.

Do you think Hochstetter knows

about us, sir?

I don't think so.

He's got something
else on his mind,

something called
the Manhattan Project,

whatever that is.

In a way, it's kind of
funny... about the spy.

He's in the same kind
of business as we are.

We may be in the same business,

but we're not working
for the same company.

Can't be any smaller,

not if we're going to reach

General Butler's plane.

And it has to go on
top of the flagpole?

That's the only place.

It'll be noticed right away.

Nobody could miss that.

Of course not.

They'll notice it, all right...

but there's a way so
they won't pay attention.

That looks absolutely great.

What a sneaky idea.

General Butler says he's
received the message,

and do you have any
idea who the spy is?

Tell him no and ask
him what time exactly

he expects to be
at headquarters.

Right.

Two hours and 15 minutes.

All right.

Tell him to get everybody,

including off-duty
personnel, on their jobs.

In exactly three hours,

we're going to send a
message to headquarters.

All right.

Whoever tries to
leave will be the spy.

What message are
you going to send?

And what makes you so sure

the spy's going
to try to get out?

Put yourself in the spy's place.

A message comes that a bomb's

been planted on
Hitler's private train.

The bomb is
going off in an hour.

Wouldn't you break your neck

to get a warning out?

I'm glad you're on
our side, Colonel.

Radio message from
headquarters, Colonel.

Bulls-eye; on target.

The trick worked.
We got the spy.

Fabulous! We're
back in business!

Achtung! The
commandant is coming.

Achtung! The
commandant is coming!

Colonel Hogan, please.

All right, hold it down, fellas.

Now, everybody
seems to be very happy.

What's the occasion, eh?

Some good news from home.

We haven't had any
mail for two weeks.

A delayed reaction.

Colonel Hogan, I'd like
to have a word with you.

Hogan, I admire the
position you're taking

with the Gestapo.

That's very manly,
very soldierly.

Thank you.

Naturally, they're
going to make you talk,

and when they do,
you don't want to talk

to a man like Major
Hochstetter, do you?

He's not our type.

Well, who is?

I am.

So don't talk to
them; talk to me.

Of course.

Why should we let
credit go to strangers?

It's agreed, then?
You'll only talk to me?

If I talk, it's only to you.

Schultz!

"Spy talked.

Said he was working for
Gruppenfuhrer Freitag."

That's the clown that sent
Hochstetter to question me.

"Freitag knows all about us...

The tunnel and the radio."

Boy.

"End the operation here.

"Arrange with the Underground

to get back to London at once."

Hey, London! We're
gonna... London!

Can you believe
that? We're going to...

If Freitag knows about us...

why weren't we arrested?

Who cares?

Let's get out of
here while we can!

Yeah, before they
blow the whistle on us.

Hold it, hold it!

I don't think Freitag's
worried about us.

He's after something
more important.

Kinch, ask London what
"Manhattan Project" is.

Right.

You know what I'm going to do

first thing we get out? What?

I'm gonna take you
all 'round the Red Lion.

What's the Red Lion?

It's a pub. Oh, yeah?

We'll have a beer...

Fabulous. Do they have hot dogs?

They have sausages in Eng...

"Do not, repeat, do
not mention that project

"in any communication.

Classified Top Secret."

They seemed a bit upset.

Manhattan Project...

I wonder how much
Freitag knows...

It might upset them even more.

Here we are, gentlemen.

Last chance... A "going
out of business" sale.

A perfect watch,

perfect working order.

Shock-proof, everything.

No offers?

You sell it to yourself.

You know, I've
been figuring out:

I've got an awful lot
of back pay coming.

I'm going be very rich.

I know a French girl
who's living in London.

She used to be with
the Follies Bergere.

I'm going to take her
to the best restaurant

and spend the evening just
looking at her and the food.

I'm going to get into a hot
bath and stay there for a week.

Hah-hah!

I'm going to go to
Regent Park Zoo

and watch somebody
else in a cage.

What's happening?

We're just shining up

the old place a bit, Shultz.

For the next bunch.

What next bunch?

Well, we heard a rumor, Shultz,

we're going to be
moved to a new barracks.

Yeah, that's right.

Why do you listen to rumors?

If you were going anyplace,

the commandant would tell me.

Maybe you'll tell him.

You're throwing all this away?

Yeah. Who needs it?

Ooh. This is foolish
to throw all this away.

This is real wool.

It's all yours, Schultzy.

Thank you. Look
at this! Ah! Ooh!

Dr. Livingstone, I presume.

No, it's me... Sergeant Shultz.

Oh, for goodness
sakes. So it is.

Herr Kommandant wants to see you

in his office, but don't worry.

He is in a very good mood.

That's the time to worry.

Tell him I'll be right there.

I'll come back
for the rest later.

Don't forget to set the
time charges in the tunnel

and on the radio equipment.

All taken care of, sir.

Okay. I'll see what Klink wants.

Colonel Hogan, what do
you think of this hat, eh?

Well, it covers your head.

I don't know what else
you can expect of it.

Guess who's here in town?

General Eisenhower?

Oh, please. Don't be ridiculous.

I'm not. He's going to
be here sooner or later.

Gruppenfuhrer Freitag.

And he's invited us to
dinner... you and me.

It's a social invitation.

Dinner. Sounds
like a great honor.

It's the greatest.

Don't you realize how
important this man is?

He has the Führer's ear.

It sounds kind of messy to me.

Oh, please don't make
those kind of jokes

about Gruppenfuhrer Freitag.

He doesn't have
my sense of humor.

Now, if he takes a liking to me,

there's no telling
how far I'll go.

Naturally, I'd like
to see you go far.

Thank you, Hogan.

We're all ready, Colonel.

The underground will meet
us at the tunnel entrance

right at the dot.

I can't go. Something's come up.

I've got to check
and see whether

Gruppenfuhrer
Freitag really knows

what the Manhattan Project is.

But we were ordered to leave.

Yeah, sir. It was an order.

I know. Look, I know
how you guys feel.

You go as scheduled.
I'll come later.

But, Colonel, once
they find out we're gone,

you'll never get away.

You'll be a dead duck.

Look, don't worry about me.

I'll make it somehow.

You go as planned.

I think I'll stay.

I'm getting used
to cold showers.

A hot bath might
give me pneumonia.

Me, too. I mean, I'll have
more back pay coming.

You know, at the end of the war.

Well, I may as well stay.

I don't want to see
animals in a cage.

I hope you don't think

I'm going to a big city
like London all by myself.

What about that French
bird you told me about?

The ones in the Folies Bergere.

I haven't seen
her for ten years.

She must be a
grandmother by now.

Look, you guys are free to go.

You're all here as
volunteers in the first place.

We're staying.

It's settled.

Business at the old
stand as usual, sir. Right.

Okay. Thanks.

Hey, Schultz has our stuff.

Hey! Schultz! Hey!

Ilse.

Well?

You look very well, Ilse.

Thank you, Herman.

You think the American
colonel will like me?

If he doesn't,

everything I've heard
about the Americans is a lie.

Now, Ilse, remember,

I want you to be especially nice

to Colonel Hogan.

You know what I mean?

I know.

Is there anything I
can do to be of help?

Yes, Mannheim, you can help

by keeping your
nose out of this.

From what I've heard
of Colonel Hogan,

he would make a monkey
out of you in two minutes.

I'm your assistant.

If you would only tell me
why he is coming here,

I might surprise you by
thinking of something.

If you ever thought of anything,

it would surprise me.

What I want from
this Colonel Hogan

is some special information.

And your rubber hoses

and medieval tortures won't
get it... not from this man.

You seem
well-informed about him.

You might say I have
a special interest in him.

He's a remarkable man.

Intelligent and resourceful...

Gruppenfuhrer
Freitag, I cannot tell you

what an honor it is to
have the opportunity

to be talking... Colonel
Hogan, I've heard so much

about you, I feel I've
known you for a long time.

How would you
have heard about me?

I haven't really done anything.

Your modesty does you credit.

But, sometimes, the
best-kept secrets leak out.

Know what I mean?

I suppose you're talking about
the bombing mission I flew

against your secret
submarine base at Bremen.

Oh, was that you?

Yeah, we lost eight
submarines in that raid.

I believe it was nine,
but who's counting?

That reminds me

of a marvelously funny
story about a sailor

who hadn't seen his wife for...

Actually, I'm an admirer
of what you have been

doing more recently.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Colonel Hogan,
this is Ilse Praeger.

Uh, Deputy Gruppenfuhrer
Mannheim...?

What is your name?

Uh, Klink, sir.

Wilhelm Klink.

Yes.

Mannheim, why don't you see

if my uniforms are
back from the tailor?

And take Colonel Kink with you.

Klink.

Whatever you say.

Let me get you
a drink, hmm? Sit.

I suppose you don't see
many girls at the prison camp.

The percentage is pretty low.

But you must think
about them a lot.

Well, you see, we
have this program

of sports and pure thoughts.

Getting acquainted, I see.

That's nice.

I can't get over how
friendly everybody is.

Speaking of friends,

I have a friend in London.

I haven't heard from
him for a few days.

I wonder if anything could
have happened to him.

Who knows?

London isn't the safest
place in the world these days,

thanks to you.

Neither is Berlin,
thanks to you.

You're welcome. Colonel Hogan,

let me make my position clear.

I am a loyal German,

but the Gestapo and
the High Command

don't always see eye-to-eye.

So, if I knew of anyone who
was making a fool of them...

Someone who's
operating a secret radio,

let us say,

in, uh, a secret
tunnel, perhaps...

I wouldn't feel obliged
to turn that man in.

Do you follow me?

Sure.

You don't like the brass.

Ah, I see you understand.

All I ask in return

for my silence is
some information.

About what?

I want to know about
the Manhattan Project.

You're not supposed
to know about that.

It's the biggest
secret of the war.

Yeah, but you see, I do know.

Suppose you tell
me all you know.

Nothing.

I know nothing about it.

I don't want to talk about it.

I better see when dinner

will be ready.

You have such
wonderful, sensitive hands.

Do you play the violin?

No. Harmonica.

Such a strong face.

It shows a great
deal of character.

You know, I've never
had much confidence

in that program of
sports and pure thoughts.

Something wrong?

I'm sorry. I don't want to
bother you with my troubles.

Okay.

It's him... Freitag.

I hate him.

He's mean.

I can't stand him.

Well, these will
help you to bear up.

They're not from him.

They belonged to my mother.

Mom got around a little.

Oh, Colonel Hogan,

I want to prove to
you I'm on your side.

Yeah, I can see for myself.

The information Freitag wants...

He'll do anything to get it.

And you can make him pay for it.

Money?

Now you're talking my language.

Dinner will be in a few minutes.

Now, let me see.

Where were we before I left?

No place.

But I did pretty
good after you left.

Really, if you men are
going to talk business,

I will go powder my nose.

Now about this
Manhattan Project...

It's a bomb, isn't it?

What's different about it?

How close are
they to finishing it?

Hogan, I'm going
to be frank with you.

You've heard the expression
"Every man has his price"?

I'd say there's a price

for everything a
man has or knows.

I like the way you think.

Keep talking.

Tell me what I want
to know, and I'll see

you are safely escorted
to the Swiss border.

Also, there will be
$50,000 in American money

deposited in your
name in a Swiss bank.

Well?

Very generous.

But you're forgetting there
are four men back in camp

who have been working with me.

Not gonna get much
chance to enjoy that money

after the war when they talk

and my government
puts two and two together.

We'll dispose of them.

That's the most
efficient way, I suppose,

but I'm sentimental.

I'd like to keep them with me.

Very well, they will be taken
with you to the Swiss border.

However,

I don't want to share
the $50,000 with them.

Still, they should
get something.

Hmm.

Hogan, it's a pleasure
doing business with you.

You're dishonest enough to
make me trust you implicitly.

And I trust you.

But I don't know if I
can trust your partners.

No partners. I work alone.

That way, I never
have to share the credit.

Good. Now, what about the men?

They'll be expecting something.

There will be $1,000
for each of them.

$500 will be enough for them.

All right. Now, tell me exact...

Not so fast.

Let me talk to the men first...
Make sure they'll go along.

When will you know?

Tonight, if I go back now.

Very well.

I'll see you at the
prison camp later.

Mannheim!

Colonel Mannheim
was just telling me

that every year the
weather seems to be...

Take him back to camp.
What about dinner?

What dinner? But you invited us.

Forget it.

I'll see you later.

That's all!

What did you say to him?

Me? Nothing at all.

Gruppenfuhrer Freitag,

I must register a protest.

This is all very improper.

I'm your second in command,

and I don't know
what's going on.

That's the way I want it.

Mannheim, why do you
think I picked you for this job?

Have you any idea?

Because I was the
best man you could find.

Not at all.

It's because I don't trust
bright, ambitious people.

You have to watch
them all the time.

But let me warn you, Mannheim.

There are limits

to how much stupidity
I will put up with.

What's the good of staying?

You couldn't tell Freitag

about the Manhattan Project

even if you wanted to.

You don't even know what it is.

Well, whatever it is,
Freitag knows too much.

I'm going to see that he
never learns more about it.

Well, you don't mean
that you're gonna...

Tonight, when he comes to camp.

Suppose somebody
else has that information?

No. Freitag's a loner.

He's the only one
that knows about

the project and the tunnel.

He's got to be liquidated.

Colonel Hogan!

You'll never guess

in a million years
what's happening.

Not in a million years.

Gruppenfuhrer Freitag's car
is coming through the gate,

and Klink sent you to get me.

Yeah. How do you know?

When you said I'd never
guess in a million years,

what else could it be, Schultz?

Gruppenfuhrer Freitag,

it is indeed a great
honor to have you...

Mannheim, park the car.

Don't you want me to help
you interview Colonel Hogan?

You'd better do
what you're best at.

I believe you were
a parking attendant

in Munich before the war.

Uh, would you like to
come into my office?

Yes.

But you stay out.

Sir, out of my own office?

Major Hochstetter,
send a radio message

to Berlin and arrange
a meeting with Himmler.

Say I will have some very
important information for him.

Yes, sir.

He can't do this to me...
keep me out of my own office.

He can't?

Well, I mean, he shouldn't.

Of course he can. Aah!

Colonel Hogan, go right in.

Gruppenfuhrer
Freitag is waiting.

Hogan, when you're
in there talking to him,

could you say a
good word for me?

I know he likes
you, and if you...

Somebody's shooting outside.

Somebody's shooting inside.

What happened? I heard shots.

Get a doctor, quick.

He's still alive?

But that's impossible.

Anyone's aim
would be a little off

shooting through a window.

And you were a little
excited, you know.

I'll finish him now!

He treated me like a dog!

What's going on here?

Why don't you get a doctor?

Never mind the doctor.

Freitag's deader
than a doornail.

But you said... Forget
it, duck for cover.

You lied!

You lied!

Schultz, go out
there and get him.

That's an order.

I can't, Herr Kommandant.

I lost my rifle.

I've been counting

the shots. His gun is empty.

Are you sure? Positive.

I'll capture him,
Herr Kommandant.

Never mind, Schultz.

I'll do it myself.

Mannheim, you're under arrest.

You've run out of bullets.

You're helpless.

Oh!

Hogan!

I've always been
terrible at arithmetic.

What was all the shooting?

Your man Mannheim
shot your man Freitag.

Take him.

Oh, here it is!

I found my rifle.

I knew it was someplace.

Congratulations on your courage

in capturing Mannheim, sir.

What are you talking about?

All I did was to...

That's right.

It was me.

I did capture him.

Oh, Major Hochstetter,
when you make out your report

to Berlin, be sure and tell
them that I was the one...

Well?

No. Mannheim got Freitag.

Looks like we got two
for the price of one.

And we have our tunnel back.

All to ourselves.

To say nothing of
the Manhattan Project

still being a secret,
whatever it is.