Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 30 - The Reluctant Target - full transcript

CBS presents this
program in color.

From the information we've
gathered on the troop movements,

they're converging
on this area right here.

Mmm.

That's a lot of Germans

to be meeting in one place.

We think they're
planning on a big push.

You're going to have to
try and slow them down.

Well, we can blow
up these bridges.

Land mines on these roads

will take care of
the truck convoys.



Don't forget the air fields.

I never forget an air field.

Just one thing that bothers me

about this whole operation.

What's that?

We gathered the
information too easy.

Oh, that's the way it
happens in this business.

Sometimes it comes easy,
sometimes not so easy,

and sometimes not at all.

You better get
ready to move out.

LeBeau's going to
release some of those dogs

to create a diversion.

All right.

Everything's clear up here, sir.



Good luck.

Thank you.

Good luck.

Pierre get off okay?

He should be at the other
end of the tunnel by now.

Well, LeBeau's letting
the dogs loose. Good.

Something went wrong.

What happened to the dogs?

I let them out

and they started
chasing a rabbit.

And they say a dog
is man's best friend.

Hey, Schultzy! Schultzy!

Back... back... everybody...

Everybody back
from the prisoner!

Back... back from the prisoner.

Oh, blimey, that's
a nice overcoat.

He must be in the black market.

Quiet!

Herr Kommandant!

I caught this prisoner
outside the fence.

So what were you doing there?

Let me see your papers.

I don't have any papers.

I lost them.

That's very suspicious.

How can you say that?

Hogan, we're not interested
in what you're saying.

Herr Kommandant, I searched him.

He has nothing.

Mm-hmm.

Search these men.

Oh, Schultz.

Cut it out!

I don't have anything.

Don't tickle me,
Schultzy, please.

Herr Kommandant, nothing.

See? The man's a nobody.

On the contrary, my dear, Hogan.

He's a somebody.

This man is a spy.

How can you say that?

You found nothing on
him that was suspicious.

That in itself is suspicious.

Now you can search
over 100,000 persons

and not one person will
have absolutely nothing

in his pockets.

Now that not only
makes him suspicious,

but that makes him guilty.

He's a spy.

Isn't that logical, Hogan?

If that's so, you'll find a
lot of spies at the beach.

So you won't answer
any questions?

All right, Mr. Spy.

If you don't answer them now,

you will answer them later.

We have ways of handling that.

Take him to the guard house.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Hmm, imagine an ordinary
spy trying to match wits with me.

It's pitiful.

You got a complete
confession out of him, of course.

Not exactly.

But the Gestapo has
ways of making a man talk.

You're turning him
over to the Gestapo?

Wow, I suppose you
know what you're doing.

I know exactly what I'm doing...

What's wrong with
what I'm doing?

What's wrong? You
caught a spy, right?

That's right.

You turn him over
to the Gestapo?

Exactly, yes.

They find out he's
a big, important spy,

who gets the credit,
you or the Gestapo?

I get...

I will personally question
him until he cracks.

You're just the
man to do it, sir.

We're being attacked!

Whoever it was, he's gone.

Are you sure?

It's only my men out there.

Search them!

There is no excuse
for such an accident.

You think it was an accident?

Of course it was!

What else?

It was an accident!

Of course it was an accident.

If you say so.

But I'm getting out of here.

I don't want to get involved

in another accident by accident.

Colonel, I'm sorry
about that pistol going off.

Don't be sorry.

You just gave me an idea
of how we can spring Pierre.

You mean shoot Klink?

That's almost it.

Carter, get out your
junior chemistry set.

I want you to make
up a few little things.

Okay, Colonel.

Well, it's going to
have to be some plan

if you're going to get rid

of those ten soldiers
guarding Pierre.

How you gonna do it?

Easy.

They're going to be guarding
somebody more important.

Colonel... can I
see you a minute?

Yes, Hogan, what
is it? I'm busy.

We'd like you to help
settle an argument, sir.

What argument?

Well, we can't seem to agree

which is the most
perfect Aryan type.

I say it's Goering.

You're right.

I say it's Goebbels.

You're right, too.

Oh, for me it's Himmler.

You're all right.

They're all perfect.

Air raid!

What's happening?

What was that explosion.

Nothing, Colonel.

Just another accident.

I can't understand it.

Why would anyone
want to kill me?

Who have I ever hurt?

Maybe it isn't personal.

There is nothing more
personal than being killed.

Maybe it's some kind
of psychopathic killer.

Somebody that just has
the urge to kill, kill, kill.

Ah... don't worry about that.

That kind of killer
always gets caught

because they
never give up trying.

They never give up trying?

Not until they get caught.

Sloppy of me.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Boy, that's strong coffee.

It's poisoned.

He's tried it again.

Now he's gone too far!

Thank you, Hogan.

He could have killed me!

We've got to find
this guy, this Mr. X.

Hogan, how can we find him?

Do you realize how many
men are in this camp?

But only one man is Mr. X.

Only one is the killer.

Shh!

There's no killer yet.

Why quibble about
a matter of time?

Please, Hogan,
everyone in my family

lived to be at least 80.

It's a tradition.

So you break tradition.

But I love tradition.

Maybe there is a
way to fool Mr. X

and get him to show his hand.

There is?

Tell me; I'll do anything.

It'd be dangerous.

Don't tell me.

Not for you; for someone else.

Tell me.

We get somebody
to take your place

while you're safely hidden.

Then the killer's next move

would be against the decoy.

You step in and capture him.

Hogan, that's a wonderful idea.

I know just the
man who could do it.

Who? You.

Not me!

I'd be a sitting duck.
Get someone else.

No, I can't.

Suppose the man I picked
turned out to be Mr. X himself?

Well, that's your funeral.

Sorry.

Hogan, I'm not asking
you to do this for me.

You're not?

Look, if something happened
to me, who would be to blame?

You and your men.

I hadn't thought of it that way.

So you see, you must
look at this selfishly,

for your own good.

You must do it, Hogan.

Okay.

Good.

Suppose you know I
could be shot as a spy

for wearing this uniform.

Hogan, why don't you
stop worrying about yourself

and worry about me!

Sorry, sir, there goes
that selfish streak again.

You will stay in this office
until Mr. X makes his next move.

I shall hide in my quarters.

Mm-hmm.

Herr Kommandant, I...

Schultz, no one is
to know about this.

This is top secret.

I won't tell anybody,
but what's the secret?

Hogan is taking my place.

Now, if anyone asks for me,

just tell them I will be
right here in this office.

Oh.

I don't know why I'm doing this.

That maniac could toss a
grenade in this office any time.

M-m-m, I better leave.

Hogan!

I don't want
anything to interfere

with your plans to trap Mr. X.

I don't want to be
in the way either.

Hey...

Look at the colonel.

How do I look?

Good enough to kill.

You got yourself a new tailor?

What's up, Colonel?

Klink is hiding in his quarters

and I'm a sitting duck
for the mystery killer.

Is everything proceeding
according to plan?

Right on the nose.

Thank you.

Get Pierre out of
the guard house

and send him out
through the tunnel tonight.

What about the soldiers?

Don't worry about them.

They'll be guarding
Klink in his quarters.

You can be sure of that.

The coast will be clear.

Colonel Hogan, there's a
man who wants to see you.

Me? What's he
want to see me for?

Not you.

He wants to see the Kommandant.

Tell him I'm not in.

Tell him...

You tell him.

Colonel Klink?

It all depends.

Who are you?

I want to speak
with you, Colonel.

Privately.

Jawohl.

I am General Brenner of the SS.

My pleasure, sir.

You're not in uniform.

That's part of my being here.

My credentials.

Very good.

There's to be a meeting
tomorrow of the utmost secrecy.

I am in charge of security.

A meeting? Where?

Right here in this camp.

I'm certainly flattered.

Your camp has been picked
because it is most convenient

for the three men
who will attend.

One is 108 kilometers
away, another 220 kilometers

and a third 250 kilometers.

About this meeting...

I'm sorry.

I can tell you nothing.

And naturally you
will say nothing.

You understand?

Naturally.

Can you give me a hint?

The meeting will take place

tomorrow morning at 0900 hours.

From now until
the meeting is over,

nobody is allowed to
leave or enter the camp.

No outgoing phone calls will
be accepted by the operator.

You've certainly
thought of everything.

In the SS we usually do.

Uh-huh.

You will see that all these
security measures are taken?

General, you can depend on it.

As sure as my name is Klink.

Everything squared away?

It's all set, Colonel.

Newkirk and LeBeau will
have Pierre out in a half an hour,

and then we'll put
him through the tunnel.

That's fine.

Something wrong, Colonel?

I don't know.

There's going to be a top-level,

top-secret meeting at
the camp here tomorrow.

I have a funny feeling.

Let me see a map.

All right, let's see.

Three men are
coming to the meeting.

One from 108 kilometers.

Now, there's our
camp right there.

108 kilometers.

220 kilometers.

250 kilometers.

What are you
looking for, Colonel?

I don't know.

There might be
some pattern here.

Hey, this circle goes through

the Nazi Third
Army headquarters.

That's right.

And this circle is the
15th Armored Division.

This circle, Field Marshal
Von Galter's headquarters.

Those are the three groups

that are converging
on this point here,

according to the information
we just gave to Pierre.

Yeah, that's right,

but I mean, if the plans
were already made,

why are they having a meeting

and why is the
meeting so secret?

That's just what
I'd like to find out.

I've got to figure some
way to get to that meeting.

Expecting a friend?

Hogan, didn't you
ever hear of knocking?

In my own house?

Hogan, just because
you're wearing my uniform

doesn't mean that you're me.

Good. I was afraid this
uniform might be contagious.

Hogan, why aren't
you at the office?

They may be looking for me.

I mean, you.

This time of night, Mr. X
wouldn't be looking there.

He'd be looking here.

He would?

Here?

It's only logical.

I am not interested in logic!

As a matter of fact the whole
thing is becoming so ridiculous,

it's laughable.

It's a brave man who
can laugh at death.

Hogan,

I am going to my
office tomorrow.

Now there must be
a simple explanation

for what has happened.

The simplest.

Somebody down here hates you.

By the way, did Schultz tell you

a man came to the office today?

Yes.

Who was it?

A very suspicious character.

He might very well be our man.

He said he was from the Gestapo.

Why should that be suspicious?

Because he was a
pleasant, likable guy.

You're right.

There is no one in the Gestapo

that fits that description.

Why didn't you
have him arrested?

Because he said he was
coming back tomorrow

with a couple of other
men from the Gestapo.

A Mr. X, Y and Z.

Sure glad you're
going to be in the office

instead of me.

Me? I'm not going to the office.

You are.

But you just said...

I said, I said...

Look, Hogan, I made
an agreement with you.

Now I'm going to hold you to it.

You drive a hard bargain, Klink.

You've got to
practice your draw, sir.

Something wrong?

You dumb ox!

When you're coming in,

why don't you say
that you're coming in?

But you told me not to tell
anybody that you're here.

Oh, am I hungry.

Uh-uh... there's not
enough dinner for two.

Well, that's okay with me.

The same man
that made the coffee

may have made that dinner.

Ah... Hogan... oh, my manners.

Won't you join me for dinner?

Well, I'd rather not.

When I eat dinner,

I like to know I'll be
around for breakfast.

Oh, that's so foolish, Hogan.

There's nothing
wrong with this dinner.

Well, okay.

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Almost 9:00, sir.

I know. They'll be here
any minute for the meeting.

You sure you got all our
microphones out of the office?

This is the last one, sir.

Good.

Colonel Hogan, have
you given any thought to...

To the possibility that one
of the men at the meeting

might know Klink personally?

Yeah, I thought about it.

Could be a sticky
situation, sir.

That's the chance
we'll have to take.

I'll show you the
walkie-talkie setup, Colonel.

Lead the way.

I got it all set so we can
receive you in the tunnel.

All you have to do
is snap on that clip.

Hm-mm.

I just hope there's
something for you to receive.

Like that, huh?

Right.

Okay.

And I will not
tolerate any excuses.

In this camp things are
done one way, my way.

I'm sorry, Herr Colonel.

It won't happen again.

And don't you forget it.

And by the way,

don't let me hear any more of
those decadent French love songs.

Yes, Herr Kommandant.

Excuse me, gentlemen,
won't you come this way.

Now, gentlemen.

Colonel Klink, this is
Lieutenant General Baumgarten...

Major General Begalein...

and Field Marshal von Galter.

I know Colonel Klink.

You do?

When you were a baby.

I suppose I've
changed since then.

As I remember, you
were always crying.

I hardly ever cry anymore.

Uncle Rudolph and I
went to school together.

Ah, yes, good old Uncle Rudolph.

I haven't seen
him in quite a while.

He's been dead 20 years.

That is quite a while.

Tell me, your aunt,
is she still, uh...

Yes, yes, she is.

She certainly is.

And her son, the wild one?

Did he ever...?

Never, never.

So... so... so...

And the girl, she is still..

Yes, I'm afraid she is.

Too bad, too bad.

Certainly is nice discussing
old family gossip like this.

All right, Field Marshal.

The room is clean.

I should hope so.

I want you to know
I run a clean office.

I was speaking about
electronic listening devices.

Now, please, if you leave us.

Of course, of course.

If there's anything
you need, gentlemen,

I'll be in the outer office.

Just see that we
are not disturbed.

Most certainly,
sir, most certainly.

The main element in
this operation is surprise.

Troop commanders will
not receive their orders

until the last moment.

As a deception, all units
will follow different routes.

All units will follow
different routes.

All units will follow
different routes.

Enemy intelligence will report
small-scale troop movements.

The main body will send out
small detachments to engage us.

Small detachments to engage us.

That's right, double the guard.

I will tolerate no
breach of security.

Jawohl.

Orders are not to
engage, but to regroup

and deliver a smashing
blow against the allies.

And where is the regrouping
point, Herr Field Marshal?

At the place where we have
been secretly stockpiling supplies

for six months.

Where we have been
secretly stockpiling supplies

for six months.

Stockpiling supplies
for six months.

Only two people, the
Fuhrer and I, know where it is.

Gentlemen, that place is...

That place is...

That place is...

The place is here.

Where... right where?

Where?

Where?

Right here.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Excuse me.

It was here a moment ago.

Ah, yes.

If you desire to smoke.

Klink!

Yes, sir, go on
with your meeting.

Terribly sorry.

Go on with your meeting.

That place is Mendelberg.

Mendelberg.

Potted plant signing off.

Disgraceful,
absolutely disgraceful!

Letting a spy escape,

and from my camp where
no prisoner has ever escaped!

But Herr Kommandant,

you ordered maximum
security for yourself

because you were afraid
that someone might kill you.

Afraid? I'm not afraid.

Of course not, Herr Kommandant.

A little worried,

but-but definitely not afraid.

Schultz, you're an idiot.

Yes, sir.

A bumbling,

incompetent,
irresponsible idiot.

Colonel Klink...

Never mind, Hogan!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize I was
interrupting a family quarrel

between you and
Sergeant Schultz.

Not Sergeant
Schultz, Private Schultz

of the Russian front!

Get the search parties out.

Cancel all passes.

I want every man who is
not on duty to find that spy.

He must be captured.

You sure you want him back?

Of course I'm sure!

Don't I want him back?

Well, until you caught
this so-called spy,

nothing ever happened to you.

Then you catch him

and three times
somebody tries to kill you.

Hmm.

You know, Hogan,
I'm not really so sure

that that man
was a spy after all.

There was nothing in his
pockets that looked suspicious.

But you said... Never
mind what I said!

I said that you were a private.

You're still a sergeant.

Thank you, Herr Kommandant.

I should forget about the
search party for the prisoner.

What prisoner?

The spy.

What spy?

The commandant's
willing to forget

the whole matter, Schultz.

It's off the record.

It never happened.

That's right, Schultz.

Forget all about the prisoner.

What prisoner?