Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 29 - The Top Secret Top Coat - full transcript

CBS presents this
program in color.

Floyd!

Walters!

He's right here. Come on.

Slim.

Hurry it up!

Carter!

Yep. Oh.

There, this one's for me!

That's from my Colette.

Oiseau de Lys! Wow.



Ooh. Oh, there's
another one for me.

This one's from my
Renee, amour, amour.

Amour, amour.

Carter, wouldn't you like
to get a letter like this?

I'd be happy just
to get an envelope.

Hey, Schultz, my girl said

she was sending
along a plum pudding.

Now, where is it?

It's been held for inspection.

Oh, come on. What are you

going to find wrong
with a plum pudding?

I can't find anything
wrong. It was delicious.

Schultz, I want that plum
pudding released at once.

You'll get it, you'll get it.



I just ate a little crumb.

Yeah, that crumb would
feed a family of eagles

for a bloody month.

Come on, Schultz, hurry it up.

We got to finish digging
that tunnel by Thursday.

Colonel Hogan, I do whatev...

Tunnel?

What tunnel?

Shh. Don't tell me.

We all will be much happier

if I see nothing here, nothing!

We'd be a lot happier
if you ate nothing.

The last piece of mail...

woolen socks from your
Aunt Alice, hand-knit.

What's the matter,
Schultz? Didn't they fit?

Oh...

They fit all right, but, uh,

red, white and blue
are not my colors.

Aunt Alice's knitting is
getting a lot better, huh?

Well, let's hear what
Aunt Alice has to say, huh?

Okay.

There you go. Plug it?

Plug it in. Okay.

Aunt Alice here.

This assignment's
a big one, Colonel,

but you'll have to go it alone.

Baron von Aukburg is
giving a party Saturday night

which you will attend.

Sounds good so far.

You will go in the guise

of Colonel Wilhelm Klink.

Just took a turn for the worse.

The baron has complete
plans of Operation Dragonfly.

Sometime during the evening,

he will turn them over to you.

Simple enough, huh?

Should be a rather
enjoyable night's work,

if you don't get shot
pulling it off. Ha-ha.

Aunt Alice knits a funny sock.

You think you ought to
go it alone tonight, sir?

This job sounds
pretty risky to me.

I wouldn't mind going to
a party with plenty of food,

plenty of drinks and
plenty of women.

And plenty of
Germans. That's right.

I'm not going to have time
for wine and women tonight.

Well, then Carter is right.

You shouldn't go alone.
You'd better take me.

I always have time for that.

So far this is just a
dangerous assignment.

Let's not turn it into
a suicide mission.

Hey, what if somebody
at this party knows Klink?

People who know Klink aren't

invited to parties.

I imagine the baron has picked

his guest list pretty carefully.

Well, you wouldn't
get a better fit than that

in Savile Row. How does he look?

Eh, good enough to shoot.

Aren't you going to
give him any medals?

Yeah, mate, medals.

What sort of medals
does Klink wear?

Borrowed.

I'd better get over
to Klink's office now,

get into his mail
to get my invitation

for the party he's not going to.

A letter?

I already have.

This the one you wanted?

Oh, you're a
doll, Hilda, a doll.

I owe you a gift for this.

You already owe
me six pairs of nylons,

17 pounds of candy,
three gallons of perfume

and that leaves jewelry.

How about a nice cocktail ring?

I don't drink.

How about a nice
engagement ring?

I don't drink, either.

Uh-oh, talk to you later.

Hogan!

What are you doing here?

It's about the Red
Cross cookies, Colonel.

We were six boxes
shy again this month.

Now, robbing the mail
is not only a civil crime,

it's a violation of Article
Nine, Section Three.

Hogan, I will
investigate the matter.

Investigate a few
missing cookies?

Seems to me you have
something more important to do.

I was just about to
say that, Herr General.

Hogan, I cannot be
bothered with those trifles.

I have many more
important things to do.

Trying to hush up the
cookie scandal, huh?

Hogan, are you accusing me?

You are putting on weight, sir.

Hogan! You're dismissed!

Okay, you can get rid of me.

But there's one thing
you won't get rid of...

The pangs of a guilty stomach.

He's crazy. I had nothing to
do with those stolen cookies.

I don't even like cookies.
I got sick from eating

a sour lady finger once. I
haven't had a cookie since.

As a matter of fact, I
don't like any desserts.

Oh, once in awhile, I'll have

a little piece of
strudel, but that's all.

Honestly, I do not know
what Hogan is talking about.

And I don't know what
you are talking about.

Neither do I.

Then you don't mind if
I talk about something?

Of course not, Herr General.
Talk as much as you like.

Thank you.

Oh, may I help you to the door?

Who's on the air today?

Burkhalter and Klink.

Turn it up a bit.

They're my favorite comedy team.

How well do you know

Baron von Aukburg, Klink?

I don't really know him at all.

Oh? Not even slightly?

No, sir.

Then why are you
invited to the party

he's giving tonight?

I have not been
invited to any party.

The Gestapo showed
me the guest list.

Your name is right on the top.

That's very nice of him.

Why you, I wonder?

You're certainly not a
man of any importance.

Yes, sir.

No offense intended, Klink.

None taken, Herr
General, none taken.

Intelligence thinks

this party could be
some sort of a cover-up.

A cover-up?

Come closer.

I don't like to say it too loud.

The Gestapo has
reason to believe

that Baron van Aukburg

is giving information
to the enemy.

There's been a leak.

Kinch, radio headquarters,

tell them to get to the
baron to cancel the party.

Right, Colonel.

I can't believe it.

The baron is one of
our national heroes,

the idol of every German boy.

The symbol of
loyalty, fidelity, honor.

Now, why would a man like that
give away military information?

He is not giving away
any information, Klink.

He's selling it

for a quarter of
a million dollars.

A quarter of a million dollars?

Well, that's a little different.

Why is it different, Klink?

Because it's, uh...
so much worse.

I mean, to give away
something is one thing,

but to sell it is
something else.

General, when you said
the party was a cover-up,

what did you mean?

A cover-up for what?

The payoff.

Among the guests,

there will be the
baron's contact.

He's there to pick
up the information.

We'll be there to pick
up the two of them.

I still can't believe it.
Baron von Aukburg a traitor?

Could the Gestapo possibly
have made a mistake?

The Gestapo never
makes a mistake.

They pride themselves
on being right every time.

And half the time, they are.

That's a little joke I heard...

and I don't think
it's very funny.

I'd advise you to
carry a gun tonight.

A gun?!

Baron von Aukburg is not

going to give up
without a fight,

and there is no telling

how many others
might be in with him.

Mm-hmm.

What are you doing?

I am calling Headquarters.

They will send a division
and surround the house.

And arouse suspicion?

You're right, General.
A squad would be plenty.

Klink... the Gestapo will
have men all around us.

I would feel a lot easier

if they had a
few in front of us.

Sorry, Colonel, but London says

they got no way of
contacting the baron.

Swell.

The baron's walking
right into a trap

and taking Klink with him.

Maybe we can stop
Klink from going?

No...

but we can stop
him from staying.

Now, you're sure you did
not misplace it, Fraulein Hilda?

Oh, quite sure, Commandant.

Well... can't go

to a party without
an invitation, can I?

Perhaps you could call
the baron, and he could...

Just don't give me any
suggestions, Fraulein Hilda.

Just say "yes" or "no."
And don't say "yes."

Don't you want to go
to the party, Colonel?

Not really. There'll just be

a lot of drinking,
talking and shooting.

Shooting? Shouting. Shouting.

From what I hear,
there's going to be

a very noisy
crowd at this party.

Oh, Colonel?

Didn't I tell you Schultz
couldn't be trusted with the mail?

I found this just outside our
barracks. It's addressed to you.

Oh, to me?

Yeah, looks like an
invitation of some kind.

Yes, I'm afraid it is.

It's a lucky thing I
happened to find it.

Yes, it is lucky, isn't
it? What is it, a party?

Yes, you might say it is.

You look more
like it was a funeral.

Yes, you might say that, too.

Well, whatever
it is... have fun.

Well, it looks like a
marvelous party, Colonel.

Don't be jumpy.

Oh, I'm all right.
It's just... Ooh!

Your coat, Colonel.

Oh, oh, yes, yes.

Oh, it is, it is, it is.

A marvelous party,
simply a marvelous party.

Why don't we go out
and have a smoke?

Klink, don't make
a fool of yourself.

We are here to watch the baron.

We can watch him
through the window.

That way he won't know
that he's being watched.

Stop, Klink.

Look like you're
enjoying yourself.

I'm trying to, but
it's just waiting

for something happening
that's so difficult.

Once I'm in action,

I don't have a nerve in
my body. Colonel Klink?

I surrender.

There is a telephone
call for you, sir.

A telephone call?

Yes. You can take
it right over here.

Oh, uh, excuse me, General.

Colonel Klink speaking.

Yes.

Herr Kommandant,
there's been an escape!

An escape?

A big one!

A riot?

Oh, that's marvelous!
Yes, I'll be right over.

Oh, thank you so
much for calling.

General.

I'm afraid I have
to go back to camp.

My coat, please.

There has been an
escape, a big escape.

Oh, I'm sorry to
be leaving this way,

but, uh, it sounds like
it's an absolute disaster.

Thank you. Excuse me.

Just got word from the
underground, Colonel.

The baron is safe.

What about the plans?

Well, they're not so safe.

He left instructions
for the maid

to hide them in the
lining of Klink's overcoat.

He still thinks
you went as Klink.

If Klink got out safe,

the plans will be
hanging on his coat rack.

And if he didn't,
they'll be hanging

in a Gestapo cell.

Hey, we're in luck.
Klink just drove in.

Break out the champagne, LeBeau.

What are we celebrating?

You and I are about to steal

a quarter-of-a-million-
dollar coat.

If you didn't call me,
Schultz, who did?

I don't know, Herr Kommandant.

Maybe someone
was playing a joke.

A joke?

You think it's a
joke telephoning me

that prisoners are rioting,
that they're escaping?

You think that's funny?

Oh, no, Herr Kommandant!

Good. But do you think...

Schultz, I will
ask the questions!

Yes, sir.

Well?

Well, what?

Schultz, I said I'll
ask the questions.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

You sent for me, Colonel?

He will ask the questions.

I'm not interested in questions.

What I want are some answers.

Answers for what?

Just a minute.

I'll ask the questions.

What's all this talk
about a prison break?

How do you know? Schultz!

Oh, I know, you
ask the questions.

No, I'll ask the
questions, right, Colonel?

Of course. Now, what
was the question?

I resent the implication
there was any attempt

by the prisoners to
escape from this camp,

and I demand that you
publicly apologize to the men.

Apologize?

It's the prisoners
who tried to escape.

That isn't true!

When there's an escape,
you'll be the first to know.

I'll personally call
you from London.

That's very good of you, Hogan.

What else is an enemy for?

It's a little hot in here.

Why don't we open
the window, huh?

There, that's better.

Schultz, why don't you
take the commandant's coat?

I don't want my coat off!

Oh, I'm freezing. Now
please close the window.

See? You've got chills.

You ought to get
out of that topcoat

and into something warm.

I was warm until you
opened the window.

You shouldn't be sitting here.

You should be in bed.

If you'll just close the window!

Forget about the window.

When you're sick,
I'll give the orders.

Right, Schultz?

I thought you are going
to ask the questions.

You're not well.

Probably too much party, sir.

Hogan, what are you doing?

You're tight.

You've got tense muscles here.

Schultz, why don't you help
massage these muscles, hmm?

I don't want any...!

Ooh. Ooh, ooh, Schultz,
that's very relaxing.

Mmm. See?

Mmm.

It's been a very long day, sir.

Here, let me help
you with your coat.

Get out!

Klink, you stay.

I have some
questions to ask you.

Now he will ask the questions.

Out!

Why did you leave the
party in such a hurry?

There was a call. I know.

A call about a
phony prison break.

But I didn't know
that until I got here.

Herr General, surely
you don't believe that...

You better worry what
the Gestapo believes.

The Gestapo?

Baron von Aukburg
has disappeared.

He's disappeared from the party?

Baron von Aukburg
wasn't even at the party.

What do you know
about this, Klink?

I know nothing.

The Gestapo thinks you do.

They will be stopping
by in the morning

and asking you some questions.

You better have
the right answers.

You won't get any help from me.

Of course not.

I have nothing to hide, sir.

Don't tell me.

Tell the Gestapo.

I couldn't help
overhearing, Commandant,

and I know just what you need.

You need some sleep, sir.
Here, let me have your coat.

Hogan, get out.

You don't need sleep?

I am suspected
of being a traitor,

and you expect me to sleep?

Who could sleep?

I could sleep, Herr Kommandant.

Get out. Everybody,
out, out, out, out!

Just nerves.

He really doesn't
get enough sleep.

Klink's still wide
awake, Colonel.

Still wearing the
topcoat, I suppose?

No, he finally took it off.

He must be getting warm

from all the pacing he's doing.

He must be getting tired, too.

He's been at it all night long.

He's got to sit down sometime.

Now, once he does, he's
going to start to doze off.

I can get in and out of there

in ten seconds
and grab that coat.

He's going to keep
pacing that floor

until he's clear
about the Gestapo.

Well, there's something
about facing a firing squad

that makes a person
kind of restless.

Look, since there's no
evidence against Klink,

what can the Gestapo do?

Well, they'll simply
ask him a few questions,

they'll leave, he'll faint,
and we'll grab the coat.

I don't know. Klink's
kind of panicky.

One sign of guilt,
and off he goes.

Topcoat and all.

What we need
is a nice, friendly,

understanding Gestapo
agent to question him.

Those kind are a little
tough to find, aren't they, sir?

Oh, I don't know.

Just have to know where to look.

Why you looking at me, sir?

Wardrobe?

Yes, sir, one Gestapo
outfit, medium.

Makeup? Coming right up.

Property man? KINCH: Right, sir.

I don't think... I need
some military secrets

titled Operation Dragonfly.

Get 'em right away.

Come on...

Hmm.

Colonel Klink?

Marvelous reflexes, sir.

Break something?

What do you want, Hogan?

I know you're worried

about this business
with the Gestapo, sir.

If there's anything I can do...

Why should I be worried
about the Gestapo?

I've done nothing.

I don't feel guilty
about anything.

Of course not.

In my opinion, there isn't

a more loyal officer
in the Luftwaffe.

That is very good of
you to say so, Hogan.

I'd say it here, I'd
say it at your trial.

Well, I appreciate it.

Trial?

There isn't going to
be any trial, Hogan.

Well, then I'd
insist on one, sir.

Surely you're
entitled to a trial

before they shoot you.

Shoot me? What for?

Now, you said yourself
that I was a loyal officer.

I have served my country
faithfully and honorably.

Of course, sir.

I just hope General
Burkhalter realizes

what a good man
he's losing. That's right.

Maybe now he will appreciate me

a little bit more
when I'm-I'm...

I'm innocent, Hogan.

That's why I think you
should ask for a trial, sir.

Yes, I will. Fight it.

Fight it with
everything you've got.

Yes, I fight it.

What have I got?

How are you at
screaming hysterically?

Colonel Hogan!

I would rather die
than beg for mercy.

A German officer does not plead

or crawl just in order to...

Herr Schmidt of the Gestapo.

Please send him in.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

You are Colonel Klink?

Me? Oh, oh, yes,
I'm Colonel Klink.

And the Luftwaffe never has had

a finer officer ever.

None more brave,
none more honorable,

none more innocent.

The Colonel's record
speaks for itself.

That's very nice of you
to say so, Herr Schmidt.

Who is this man?

Colonel Hogan, Senior
Prisoner of War Officer here, sir.

Oh.

What do you know
about Baron von Aukburg?

Nothing. I don't know
him personally at all.

Why were you
invited to the party?

I don't know.

Why were you called away

from the party by
a fake phone call?

I don't know.

Who does know?

I don't know.

Colonel Klink,

is there anything
else you can add

to what you've already told me?

Nothing, I swear to you.

I don't know
anything about this.

You sure?

I'll give you my word

of honor, Herr Schmidt.

Well, that's good enough for me.

It is?

You hardly look
like the type of man

who would sell
out his own country.

Never.

I appreciate your cooperation.

I hope I haven't taken
up too much of your time.

I like to be at the, uh,
disposal of the Gestapo.

I always like to cooperate.

Yes. It's a shame

more people don't
feel that way, Klink.

It would save me so
much time and trouble.

Well, I have nothing to hide.

My conscience is clear.

I've always said,
there's no reason

for an innocent
man to be afraid.

Very true, Colonel.

Uh, thanks once
again for all your help.

My pleasure, sir.

If there's anything
else I can tell you,

please let me know.

Now, there's an agent
who knows his business.

Obviously a man of
superior intelligence,

wouldn't you say so, Hogan?

I'm not sure. I
didn't like his looks.

The important thing
is that he liked mine.

He knew that I was innocent.

There's something very
wrong about that guy.

Something very wrong.

What do you mean, wrong?

He was right about me.

He knew I was not
involved with the baron.

That's it. He was
no Gestapo agent.

He's Baron von Aukburg.

Von Aukburg?

He was here pumping
you for information.

Information from me?

You're close to Burkhalter.

You'd know about all the
roadblocks that were set up,

how many troops were called out.

You'd know all those things.

I would?

I must say, though,

you certainly didn't
tell him anything.

Well, I didn't
have anything to...

I, uh, don't tell, uh,

everything I know.

Especially the Gestapo.

No, you don't.

We may still be able
to stop him at the gate.

Right. Fraulein Hilda,
get me the main gate.

Main gate,

this is Colonel Klink speaking.

Has a Gestapo agent

come through there lately?

Good, good. Now, when he
does, you hold him till I get there.

He's medium height,
early forties, gray mustache,

and he wears glasses,
and he's dressed in, um...

Black hat, black topcoat.

Black hat, black topcoat.

Oh, yes.

There is a long, thin scar
down the middle of his face.

Let's go, Hogan.

Colonel Klink, that topcoat.

That's not my coat!

It's not? Are you sure?

Well, of course not.

Look, this is a black coat.

It doesn't have a fur collar.

It doesn't even have an
insignia on the shoulders.

By golly, you're right.

Do you think the baron
took your coat by mistake?

I don't know.

There have been a lot of
people in and out of here lately.

That's true. But I go along
with your hunch about the baron.

See if there's any
name on the label.

No.

Anything in the pockets?

Oh, here.

A letter, but there's
no name, no address.

The baron's secret papers!

Secret papers?

Operation Dragonfly?

Sly one. You knew the
papers were in there all the time.

Well, I... I... But
how did you manage

to switch coats with the baron?

Well, I...

Oh, you're going to get a
medal for this, you know.

Yes, I should, shouldn't I?

You knew Schmidt was
the baron all the time.

I knew it the moment he
came through this door.

But how, Colonel Klink?
How did you know?

The baron was obviously
an old Heidelberg man.

That long, thin scar.

A dead giveaway.

Yes, the baron
was clever, all right,

but not quite clever enough.

Now, I don't want to sound

like I'm blowing my
own horn, but, uh...

You sound like a
whole brass band.

Well, I just wanted
you to hear that I-I-I...

A shut mouth, Klink.

That's what I
would like to hear.

Not another word
out of me, sir. Good.

What are those plans, Gruber?

Operation Dragonfly.

I've never seen them before.

If the Gestapo hasn't seen it,

it really must be top secret.

Without question.

If the enemy had
gotten these papers,

who knows what
might have happened?

Well, Herr Gruber,
I'm glad to say

I was able to prevent that.

I think the hofbrau
band is tuning up again.

Excuse me,
Colonel. Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you were busy.

Come right in, Hogan.

We were just discussing

the little incident
of this morning.

Yes, Colonel
Klink was brilliant.

Mm-hmm. So he
has been telling us.

This stuff must
really be dynamite.

What all is here, huh?

Hogan, it is top secret.

What do you think I am,

some kind of blabbermouth?

This must be
destroyed immediately.

Yes, sir, an excellent idea.

May I, sir?

The only way to get
rid of secret papers.

Mission accomplished.
Come, Gruber.

I sure have to hand
it to you, Colonel.

You certainly know how
to dispose of secret papers.

It's the efficient way.

You must have a lot of
them in your desk, sir.

My desk?

You just set it on fire.