Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 28 - Colonel Klink's Secret Weapon - full transcript
After receiving a "poor" rating from the Inspector General of prison camps, Col. Klink brings in stern new sergeant to discipline the prisoners. How can Hogan and his men make sure the camp's ruthless "discipline machine" has the shortest reign possible?
CBS presents this
program in color.
12 Tiger tanks, six Panthers...
ten more of the new
model... All in the 70-ton class.
There are four
munitions carriers.
Headquarters will
be glad to get this.
How much longer do
those tanks go on by?
Eh, you can just about see
the end of the column now.
The vibration's
loosening the beams.
I don't think this tunnel's
going to hold up much longer.
Okay, Lieutenant,
let's get a move on.
If this tunnel caves
in, you'll be trapped.
Where will I meet
the underground?
They're at the
end of the tunnel.
LeBEAU: Colonel Hogan!
Roll call, Colonel. They
want us for formation.
Okay, LeBeau, be right up.
All right, Lieutenant, you're
on your way to England...
with a complete description
of the Third Panzer Division.
Good luck. Thank you.
We'd better fall out, Colonel.
Well, we'll have to wait
for Kinch to come up.
Boy, Klink is really
steamed up. All right.
Come on, Kinch, hurry it up.
There goes the tunnel.
What about Bigelow?
He's okay... he's
past the shaky part.
Come on.
Hey, battle stations.
Here comes Klink.
Colonel Hogan,
I hope you will forgive
me for mentioning it,
but we've been trying
to get your attention.
You have? How?
But, Colonel, with all
those tanks going by
and all that noise, how could
we hear one little whistle?
Schultz, they
didn't hear a thing.
What do you think about that?
The tanks are
a little bit noisy.
Schultz, shut up!
I don't want your opinion,
even when I ask for it!
Now, Hogan, there
is another little matter
I've been meaning to bring up.
Do you have a moment?
At your beck and call.
Have you noticed how sloppy
your men have been lately?
Sloppy? What do
you mean, sloppy?
What in the world?! That's a
terrible thing to say.
It isn't just their
physical appearance,
but it's the way they keep
the barracks
looking like a pigsty.
Pigsty? A pigsty?!
Aw, that's not fair at all.
Looks more like a stable to me.
It might also
interest you to know
that the Inspector General
was here last week.
Sorry I missed him.
He didn't miss you.
This morning, I
received his rating report
for the entire camp...
"G" -minus.
Is that a passing mark?
That is next to the lowest.
Commandant, you mean we've
worn out our welcome here?
Fellas, let's pack
and get out, huh?
Ah, ah-ah, ah-ah!
You all find this
very amusing, huh?
Why don't we all be amused, huh?
Well, so much for humor.
We've been waiting for you.
Oh.
Do join us for the formation...
whenever you find the time.
Certainly was in a jolly mood.
I never saw Klink so pleasant.
For him, that was happy.
Yeah, and the only
time Klink is happy
is when he's got
something rotten going.
That's right... he
acts like he's got us
where he wants
us. Where is that?
Wherever it is, I don't
like the neighborhood.
Come in, come in.
Colonel? Yes, Hogan.
Colonel, I couldn't
resist the temptation
to come in and compliment
you on your good sportsmanship.
You fooled me.
I thought for sure you'd
be angry with the bad rating.
Why should I be angry, Hogan,
when I know that the next report
from the Inspector
General will be
a perfect rating?
Double "E", double plus.
You're going to
bribe the Inspector?
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Hogan.
In the German army, you don't
bribe the Inspector General.
I mean, uh, not on a
colonel's pay. Oh, no.
I might say that I
have a secret weapon.
Come in!
Sergeant Reinhold
Franks, reporting for duty
to Commandant Klink
for duty as ordered, sir!
Your, um, secret weapon?
Uh-huh. My secret weapon.
It took you one
minute and 53 seconds
to fall out after the whistle.
According to regulations,
for the time is of essence,
to complete formation,
you are allowed 48 seconds.
As punishment, you will fall out
one hour earlier
tomorrow morning.
Talking in ranks is also
against the regulations.
For that, you will fall out
two hours earlier
tomorrow morning.
Does the Commandant
have anything to say
to the men before
the work detail?
Nothing wrong, Sergeant.
Everything is
fine. Just perfect.
Right face!
Double time! Hut!
Eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei eins, zwei...
That Sergeant Franks is
a great believer in regulations.
Yeah. There ought to be
a regulation against him.
Where'd you get
this prize package?
Major Meiling from Stalag
Eight gave him to me.
Yeah, well, the
Major's going to have to
answer for this at
the war crime trials.
I thought it was
very generous of him.
You know, Stalag Eight has had
the lowest efficiency rating
of any of the camps.
And ever since they've
had Sergeant Franks,
they've been getting
perfect ratings:
double "E", double plus.
And that's what we're
going to get from now on.
Eins, zwei, eins, zwei
eins, zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei, eins zwei...
Klink, you know,
this is the kind of thing
that gives a prison
camp a bad name.
How'd it go?
That Kraut never
heard of walking.
He had you running all day?
Oh, no. We stopped
to rest and pull weeds.
I'll never play
the violin again.
You don't play the violin.
I know, but he
doesn't know that.
Everything is regulations...
According to the book.
We gotta clear out that tunnel,
but you guys aren't
in any shape to work.
What is he running for?
What? What?
Why do you let
him do it, Schultz?
Why do you let him
push you around?
There must be some
regulation that lets him do it.
He knows them all.
But you're both sergeants.
He can't order you around.
You're the same rank.
That's right.
Who's he think he is?
Yeah, who does he think he is?
Tell him off, Schultz.
I will!
Nobody pushes Sergeant
Schultz around! Nobody!
Who does he think he is?
He better not start up with me.
All right, everybody
on his feet!
Up, up, up!
Don't do that. It
is forbidden to rest
on the beds during the day.
This will be reported.
Do you have to report
everything, Sergeant?
I mean, can't you overlook
something once in a while?
That would be
against the regulations.
Regulations.
Sergeant Schultz, I
am putting you on report.
Fraternizing with the prisoners,
uniform not in regulation order,
and taking an unauthorized
break during duty hours.
Yes, sir!
Raus, heraus!
Double time, hut!
Eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins, zwei...
Hey, Schultz, what happened?
Next time, I tell him off.
Hogan, you've had it too easy.
From now on, thanks
to Sergeant Franks,
all rules and regulations
will be strictly enforced.
Now, we'll show you how things
are run in the German army.
This camp will have
an efficiency rating
that I will not be ashamed of.
Come in.
Colonel Klink, I have
made out a report
on Sergeant Schultz.
Violations of Article Six,
Article 13, subsection "G",
and Article 78, paragraph four.
H-Herr Kommandant,
it is nothing.
I was only... Nothing?
Rules are here to be kept.
That goes for everyone.
No one is too big
for regulations.
Now, remember that.
I have another
report here, Colonel.
Would you please initial it
so I can send it
to Headquarters?
Of course, Sergeant Franks.
You know, you're
doing a wonderful...
This report is about me.
Yes, sir. I felt it was
my duty to make it out.
"Commandant's efficiency
report six weeks in..."
This is outrageous.
Colonel, remember,
no one is too big
for regulations.
Sergeant Franks, I
could have you broken.
Yes, sir, but I will have to
write to my cousin about it.
What cousin?
The one who works in
Field Marshal Göring's office.
Does the Colonel wish
to contest my report?
According to the Article 17,
a letter made out in triplicate
can be forwarded...
No, no, no, no.
I'll have the girls make
out the efficiency report.
I am sorry, sir.
According to regulations,
the reports must be made out
in the commanding
officer's own handwriting.
But that would take weeks.
Sergeant Franks, you
strike me as the kind of guy
that would turn
in your own father.
Colonel Hogan, at
this very moment,
my father is in a labor
camp in east Prussia.
I knew it.
Colonel Klink, I did not
mention it in my report,
but the Führer's picture
is not properly hung.
According to regulations,
it must be eight
inches above eye level.
Thank you so much
for not reporting it.
Do I have to hang it myself?
No, sir, that can
be done by anyone,
but he must wear gloves.
Now, there's a regulation
I can understand.
I wouldn't touch it
myself without gloves.
You look like a
bunch of old men.
That's what we are.
We're old men.
You should have
seen us this morning.
We were young men.
One thing's for sure.
We got to figure some
way to get rid of Franks.
Got to figure some way to do it.
It's either him or us.
This can't go on,
even if we have to...
All right! All right!
Everybody up!
Up! Up! Up! Don't do that.
I am here to inspect
the barracks, Colonel.
Well, as you can
see, they're still here.
The bunks are 28 inches apart.
How about that?
Regulations say bunks
must be 27 inches apart.
We needed the space for dancing.
Guards are not allowed to
joke with prisoners of war.
Article 15, Paragraph Six.
It's a formal inspection.
Aha!
I always use a
black glove, myself.
That way, the dirt doesn't show.
I know... Article 15.
Dirty bunks and dirty walls.
From now on, this
barracks is on half rations,
and all recreation periods
are canceled for a month.
Well, there go the polo matches.
I want this barracks
scrubbed down... every inch.
Use a toothbrush in the corners.
I want to be able
to eat off the floor.
I'm not too crazy about your eating
habits, but if that's what you want...
Halt!
Rechtsom!
Schultz.
Jawoh...
Oh, it's you. I
thought it was...
Yeah, I know, Schultz.
You know, you're acting
different lately, Schultz.
It's terrible, isn't
it? Oh, awful.
You've lost your charm.
I know.
Colonel Hogan, please,
couldn't you get rid of him?
What are you suggesting?
I want you to suggest.
We're on the same side now.
Franks is the enemy.
What's new, Max?
You tell me, Colonel.
We're still waiting for
Lieutenant Bigelow.
Bigelow? We sent him out through
the tunnel yesterday.
My men have been watching
the end of the
tunnel every minute.
He never came out.
Then he's still in the tunnel.
He must've got
caught in the cave-in.
That means
Bigelow... Don't say it.
I don't know.
All right, fellas. Everybody up!
Don't do that, sir.
Something wrong, Colonel?
Plenty. Bigelow's
still in the tunnel.
What? He's still down there?
But he was past
the part that caved in.
He never got out.
Let's start digging
and hope for the best.
Schultz coming!
What's going on?
We have no time, Schultz.
You better make time.
The Commandant wants to see you.
All right. Let's go.
Get going, you guys.
Come in, come in.
Oh, it's you, Hogan.
I thought it was, uh...
Yes, I know.
You wanted to see me, sir?
Yes, Hogan.
I want to tell you...
I want to ask you...
How to get rid of
Sergeant Franks.
Yes.
Don't misunderstand me, Hogan.
I admire a dedicated
German soldier
who lives by the rules, but...
He's getting in
your hair, too, hmm?
Sorry, sir. Bad taste.
Look, why don't you send
him back where you got him?
Back to Major Meiling? He
laughed when I called him.
He couldn't wait
to get rid of him.
What about the
other prison camps?
Oh, I called them
all. They all laughed.
Everybody knew about
this Sergeant Franks but me.
Hogan, I know you.
You can think of something.
You have a devious,
cunning mind.
You don't have to flatter me.
I'll come up with something.
Eh, danke.
Are you, uh, thinking
of something?
I'm thinking...
Huh?!
Forget it.
I've got it.
You have? What is it? Tell me.
Ooh, I like it already.
We rub him out.
Rub him out.
Bump him off.
Bump him off.
If he's standing in the street,
we come by in a car
with a Tommy gun
and let him have it.
Hogan, are you out of your mind?
The Gestapo will get
to you in ten minutes.
Oh, I don't know.
Cagney always did it,
and the Gestapo never got him.
You've lost your confidence
in me, haven't you, sir?
I have six months of
paperwork to catch up on.
Oh, don't worry, I'll think
of something by then.
Hogan?
You don't care
what happens to me.
Nobody cares.
Franks is coming!
All right, get
down in the tunnel.
Right.
Tell the rest to keep quiet.
Looking for something, Sergeant?
The Colonel is up late.
Yeah, I was just gonna
get some fresh air.
It's not against
regulations, is it?
The Colonel still
likes to make jokes.
Didn't think you'd notice.
I notice everything.
Nobody fools Sergeant Franks.
Man would have to be
a fool to try to fool you.
That's right.
Oh.
The Inspector General
is coming here tomorrow.
He was just here.
You have something
to do with it?
Through my cousin, who works...
Works in Göring's
office, yeah. Ja.
You expect a good rating?
"E.E." double plus.
Naturally, you'll
get the credit.
Why not?
Before I came
here, the camp rating
was "G" minus.
Oh, I see.
You're out to make
yourself look good
and Klink look bad.
Why not?
That is how a soldier gets ahead
in the German army.
Well, I hope you get
everything you deserve.
I'll even help if I can.
Come on.
Hey, I think we're
almost through.
Bigelow!
Yeah. Hi, you guys.
You okay? Yeah, fine.
Oh, I'm glad to see you.
Here, LeBeau, get in there.
Come on, fellas, let's go. Go!
Here. Give him a hand.
Here we go. HOGAN: All right.
The rest are coming through.
Welcome.
Yeah.
It took you guys long enough.
I was just starting to
lose my taste for sardines.
Eh, freak cave-in.
Looks like everything
went but the middle.
Which is where I
happened to be at the time.
For once, being caught in
the middle is okay.
Hey.
There's at least 40 feet
before we get outside.
That's another week's digging.
We've got to
get rid of the dirt.
Yeah, I know. With that sergeant
sniffing around,
it's gonna be tough.
Look, we'd better get those
sacks of dirt back upstairs.
We'll put them in the rafters.
Okay. Go ahead.
Reveille? It isn't time yet.
Two hours earlier for
punishment. Remember?
What do we do now, Colonel?
We'd better fall out.
Franks inspected the
barracks yesterday.
Does that mean he won't come in?
If we're not out there
in ten seconds, he will.
All present and accounted for.
Colonel Klink.
Colonel Klink.
Hmm? Hmm?
What's the matter?
The men are all present
and accounted for.
Did you have to wake
me up just to tell me that?
Oh, very good. Very good.
I wish to report that
the Inspector General
will be here this morning for
an unscheduled inspection.
The Inspector
General? Why so soon?
I assure the Colonel that
we will get a top rating.
Colonel Hogan!
You will see that
your men are ready.
My men are ready at
all times for anything.
I will inspect your
barracks now.
Why bother?
The place was just
cleaned yesterday.
The dirt, it's all
over the place.
I will make sure.
You act like you don't trust us.
The Colonel is right.
I do not.
I want to go on record
as protesting this
breach of faith.
Give us a few minutes
to tidy up the place.
Well, Sergeant, I
hope you're satisfied.
Make sure it stays this way.
I understand you are a tailor.
Sometimes. Schultz!
Yes, sir!
Yes.
Press my uniform.
I want it back in time
for the inspection.
Is this soon enough?
I can have you shot for this.
All right, easy, Sergeant.
LeBeau, I'm surprised at you.
You're not being
friendly with our guest.
It'll be done, Sergeant.
Very good, Colonel.
You are sensible.
What else could we do?
We're just prisoners, and
you're the master race.
Bigelow, thanks for
cleaning up the place,
but what'd you do with the dirt?
Threw it back down in the hole.
Good thinking.
Hey, that's great,
Bigelow! Great!
We're getting you
out of here today.
Today? We won't
have the tunnel clear.
You said yourself it
would take a week.
I know. He's going out
through the front gate.
Front gate?! How?
I don't quite know how yet,
but it involves Sergeant Franks.
Well, I'll tell you one thing:
I'm not pressing his uniform...
unless he's in it.
Take it easy. Yes, you are.
But you're going to do a
better job than he expects.
Carter, you still got
some of that invisible ink
that you made up for
sending messages?
Sure. Why?
What temperature does
the ink begin to show?
90 degrees.
And body temperature is 98.6.
That's perfect.
What's-what's going on, Colonel?
Same time we get rid of you,
we're gonna get rid
of Sergeant Franks.
Killing two birds
with one stone, eh?
Let's just say we're
killing one bird,
and the other one's
flying the coop.
I am sure the Inspector General
will find everything in order.
I hope so, Sergeant.
The last commandant who
had two "G" minus ratings
was Colonel Feldgaum.
Oh, you mean Colonel
Feldgaum from Stalag Five, huh?
No, Colonel Feldgaum
of the Russian front.
This is the worst
I have ever seen!
I can't understand it.
You told me
everything was in order.
It was... just two minutes ago.
Get the men out here.
Jawohl!
Fall out! Fall out! Fall out!
Make it snappy.
Get into formation.
Get into formation!
Get into the formation!
Sergeant Franks,
this is shocking.
Prisoner detail, all
assembled and correct, sir.
Bravo! Bravo!
Nothing up his sleeve.
Silence!
Hey, show a leg there!
Detail awaiting
instructions, sir.
Oh, my good...
You're coming apart
at the seams, mate.
As I, uh, as I said,
awaiting instructions, sir.
Sergeant Franks,
what is happening here?
I do not know
anything about this!
This is treason!
Turn this man
over to the Gestapo.
But I am innocent!
That's what they all say.
You're right, mate,
the old story, every time.
Schultz!
Hold this man till the
Gestapo picks him up.
With pleasure!
But I did not do anything wrong!
Yes, you did. You
broke the regulations.
Article Two, Paragraph Nine.
You're out of uniform.
Don't forget to write, mate!
Don't forget to write.
Naturally, Klink,
I don't blame you
for the condition of the camp.
He did it.
He won't do it anymore.
Gestapo.
You have a prisoner for me.
Which one of you is it?
He's the one.
But I tell you, I am innocent.
I will prove it at my trial.
What trial?
My car broke down.
I have commandeered this truck.
Put him in the back.
Well, Hogan, I got rid of him
without your help.
I knew I would.
I never doubted
it for a minute, sir.
Never forget one thing, Hogan:
No one gets the
best of Colonel Klink.
program in color.
12 Tiger tanks, six Panthers...
ten more of the new
model... All in the 70-ton class.
There are four
munitions carriers.
Headquarters will
be glad to get this.
How much longer do
those tanks go on by?
Eh, you can just about see
the end of the column now.
The vibration's
loosening the beams.
I don't think this tunnel's
going to hold up much longer.
Okay, Lieutenant,
let's get a move on.
If this tunnel caves
in, you'll be trapped.
Where will I meet
the underground?
They're at the
end of the tunnel.
LeBEAU: Colonel Hogan!
Roll call, Colonel. They
want us for formation.
Okay, LeBeau, be right up.
All right, Lieutenant, you're
on your way to England...
with a complete description
of the Third Panzer Division.
Good luck. Thank you.
We'd better fall out, Colonel.
Well, we'll have to wait
for Kinch to come up.
Boy, Klink is really
steamed up. All right.
Come on, Kinch, hurry it up.
There goes the tunnel.
What about Bigelow?
He's okay... he's
past the shaky part.
Come on.
Hey, battle stations.
Here comes Klink.
Colonel Hogan,
I hope you will forgive
me for mentioning it,
but we've been trying
to get your attention.
You have? How?
But, Colonel, with all
those tanks going by
and all that noise, how could
we hear one little whistle?
Schultz, they
didn't hear a thing.
What do you think about that?
The tanks are
a little bit noisy.
Schultz, shut up!
I don't want your opinion,
even when I ask for it!
Now, Hogan, there
is another little matter
I've been meaning to bring up.
Do you have a moment?
At your beck and call.
Have you noticed how sloppy
your men have been lately?
Sloppy? What do
you mean, sloppy?
What in the world?! That's a
terrible thing to say.
It isn't just their
physical appearance,
but it's the way they keep
the barracks
looking like a pigsty.
Pigsty? A pigsty?!
Aw, that's not fair at all.
Looks more like a stable to me.
It might also
interest you to know
that the Inspector General
was here last week.
Sorry I missed him.
He didn't miss you.
This morning, I
received his rating report
for the entire camp...
"G" -minus.
Is that a passing mark?
That is next to the lowest.
Commandant, you mean we've
worn out our welcome here?
Fellas, let's pack
and get out, huh?
Ah, ah-ah, ah-ah!
You all find this
very amusing, huh?
Why don't we all be amused, huh?
Well, so much for humor.
We've been waiting for you.
Oh.
Do join us for the formation...
whenever you find the time.
Certainly was in a jolly mood.
I never saw Klink so pleasant.
For him, that was happy.
Yeah, and the only
time Klink is happy
is when he's got
something rotten going.
That's right... he
acts like he's got us
where he wants
us. Where is that?
Wherever it is, I don't
like the neighborhood.
Come in, come in.
Colonel? Yes, Hogan.
Colonel, I couldn't
resist the temptation
to come in and compliment
you on your good sportsmanship.
You fooled me.
I thought for sure you'd
be angry with the bad rating.
Why should I be angry, Hogan,
when I know that the next report
from the Inspector
General will be
a perfect rating?
Double "E", double plus.
You're going to
bribe the Inspector?
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Hogan.
In the German army, you don't
bribe the Inspector General.
I mean, uh, not on a
colonel's pay. Oh, no.
I might say that I
have a secret weapon.
Come in!
Sergeant Reinhold
Franks, reporting for duty
to Commandant Klink
for duty as ordered, sir!
Your, um, secret weapon?
Uh-huh. My secret weapon.
It took you one
minute and 53 seconds
to fall out after the whistle.
According to regulations,
for the time is of essence,
to complete formation,
you are allowed 48 seconds.
As punishment, you will fall out
one hour earlier
tomorrow morning.
Talking in ranks is also
against the regulations.
For that, you will fall out
two hours earlier
tomorrow morning.
Does the Commandant
have anything to say
to the men before
the work detail?
Nothing wrong, Sergeant.
Everything is
fine. Just perfect.
Right face!
Double time! Hut!
Eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei eins, zwei...
That Sergeant Franks is
a great believer in regulations.
Yeah. There ought to be
a regulation against him.
Where'd you get
this prize package?
Major Meiling from Stalag
Eight gave him to me.
Yeah, well, the
Major's going to have to
answer for this at
the war crime trials.
I thought it was
very generous of him.
You know, Stalag Eight has had
the lowest efficiency rating
of any of the camps.
And ever since they've
had Sergeant Franks,
they've been getting
perfect ratings:
double "E", double plus.
And that's what we're
going to get from now on.
Eins, zwei, eins, zwei
eins, zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei, eins zwei...
Klink, you know,
this is the kind of thing
that gives a prison
camp a bad name.
How'd it go?
That Kraut never
heard of walking.
He had you running all day?
Oh, no. We stopped
to rest and pull weeds.
I'll never play
the violin again.
You don't play the violin.
I know, but he
doesn't know that.
Everything is regulations...
According to the book.
We gotta clear out that tunnel,
but you guys aren't
in any shape to work.
What is he running for?
What? What?
Why do you let
him do it, Schultz?
Why do you let him
push you around?
There must be some
regulation that lets him do it.
He knows them all.
But you're both sergeants.
He can't order you around.
You're the same rank.
That's right.
Who's he think he is?
Yeah, who does he think he is?
Tell him off, Schultz.
I will!
Nobody pushes Sergeant
Schultz around! Nobody!
Who does he think he is?
He better not start up with me.
All right, everybody
on his feet!
Up, up, up!
Don't do that. It
is forbidden to rest
on the beds during the day.
This will be reported.
Do you have to report
everything, Sergeant?
I mean, can't you overlook
something once in a while?
That would be
against the regulations.
Regulations.
Sergeant Schultz, I
am putting you on report.
Fraternizing with the prisoners,
uniform not in regulation order,
and taking an unauthorized
break during duty hours.
Yes, sir!
Raus, heraus!
Double time, hut!
Eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins,
zwei, eins, zwei,
eins, zwei, eins, zwei...
Hey, Schultz, what happened?
Next time, I tell him off.
Hogan, you've had it too easy.
From now on, thanks
to Sergeant Franks,
all rules and regulations
will be strictly enforced.
Now, we'll show you how things
are run in the German army.
This camp will have
an efficiency rating
that I will not be ashamed of.
Come in.
Colonel Klink, I have
made out a report
on Sergeant Schultz.
Violations of Article Six,
Article 13, subsection "G",
and Article 78, paragraph four.
H-Herr Kommandant,
it is nothing.
I was only... Nothing?
Rules are here to be kept.
That goes for everyone.
No one is too big
for regulations.
Now, remember that.
I have another
report here, Colonel.
Would you please initial it
so I can send it
to Headquarters?
Of course, Sergeant Franks.
You know, you're
doing a wonderful...
This report is about me.
Yes, sir. I felt it was
my duty to make it out.
"Commandant's efficiency
report six weeks in..."
This is outrageous.
Colonel, remember,
no one is too big
for regulations.
Sergeant Franks, I
could have you broken.
Yes, sir, but I will have to
write to my cousin about it.
What cousin?
The one who works in
Field Marshal Göring's office.
Does the Colonel wish
to contest my report?
According to the Article 17,
a letter made out in triplicate
can be forwarded...
No, no, no, no.
I'll have the girls make
out the efficiency report.
I am sorry, sir.
According to regulations,
the reports must be made out
in the commanding
officer's own handwriting.
But that would take weeks.
Sergeant Franks, you
strike me as the kind of guy
that would turn
in your own father.
Colonel Hogan, at
this very moment,
my father is in a labor
camp in east Prussia.
I knew it.
Colonel Klink, I did not
mention it in my report,
but the Führer's picture
is not properly hung.
According to regulations,
it must be eight
inches above eye level.
Thank you so much
for not reporting it.
Do I have to hang it myself?
No, sir, that can
be done by anyone,
but he must wear gloves.
Now, there's a regulation
I can understand.
I wouldn't touch it
myself without gloves.
You look like a
bunch of old men.
That's what we are.
We're old men.
You should have
seen us this morning.
We were young men.
One thing's for sure.
We got to figure some
way to get rid of Franks.
Got to figure some way to do it.
It's either him or us.
This can't go on,
even if we have to...
All right! All right!
Everybody up!
Up! Up! Up! Don't do that.
I am here to inspect
the barracks, Colonel.
Well, as you can
see, they're still here.
The bunks are 28 inches apart.
How about that?
Regulations say bunks
must be 27 inches apart.
We needed the space for dancing.
Guards are not allowed to
joke with prisoners of war.
Article 15, Paragraph Six.
It's a formal inspection.
Aha!
I always use a
black glove, myself.
That way, the dirt doesn't show.
I know... Article 15.
Dirty bunks and dirty walls.
From now on, this
barracks is on half rations,
and all recreation periods
are canceled for a month.
Well, there go the polo matches.
I want this barracks
scrubbed down... every inch.
Use a toothbrush in the corners.
I want to be able
to eat off the floor.
I'm not too crazy about your eating
habits, but if that's what you want...
Halt!
Rechtsom!
Schultz.
Jawoh...
Oh, it's you. I
thought it was...
Yeah, I know, Schultz.
You know, you're acting
different lately, Schultz.
It's terrible, isn't
it? Oh, awful.
You've lost your charm.
I know.
Colonel Hogan, please,
couldn't you get rid of him?
What are you suggesting?
I want you to suggest.
We're on the same side now.
Franks is the enemy.
What's new, Max?
You tell me, Colonel.
We're still waiting for
Lieutenant Bigelow.
Bigelow? We sent him out through
the tunnel yesterday.
My men have been watching
the end of the
tunnel every minute.
He never came out.
Then he's still in the tunnel.
He must've got
caught in the cave-in.
That means
Bigelow... Don't say it.
I don't know.
All right, fellas. Everybody up!
Don't do that, sir.
Something wrong, Colonel?
Plenty. Bigelow's
still in the tunnel.
What? He's still down there?
But he was past
the part that caved in.
He never got out.
Let's start digging
and hope for the best.
Schultz coming!
What's going on?
We have no time, Schultz.
You better make time.
The Commandant wants to see you.
All right. Let's go.
Get going, you guys.
Come in, come in.
Oh, it's you, Hogan.
I thought it was, uh...
Yes, I know.
You wanted to see me, sir?
Yes, Hogan.
I want to tell you...
I want to ask you...
How to get rid of
Sergeant Franks.
Yes.
Don't misunderstand me, Hogan.
I admire a dedicated
German soldier
who lives by the rules, but...
He's getting in
your hair, too, hmm?
Sorry, sir. Bad taste.
Look, why don't you send
him back where you got him?
Back to Major Meiling? He
laughed when I called him.
He couldn't wait
to get rid of him.
What about the
other prison camps?
Oh, I called them
all. They all laughed.
Everybody knew about
this Sergeant Franks but me.
Hogan, I know you.
You can think of something.
You have a devious,
cunning mind.
You don't have to flatter me.
I'll come up with something.
Eh, danke.
Are you, uh, thinking
of something?
I'm thinking...
Huh?!
Forget it.
I've got it.
You have? What is it? Tell me.
Ooh, I like it already.
We rub him out.
Rub him out.
Bump him off.
Bump him off.
If he's standing in the street,
we come by in a car
with a Tommy gun
and let him have it.
Hogan, are you out of your mind?
The Gestapo will get
to you in ten minutes.
Oh, I don't know.
Cagney always did it,
and the Gestapo never got him.
You've lost your confidence
in me, haven't you, sir?
I have six months of
paperwork to catch up on.
Oh, don't worry, I'll think
of something by then.
Hogan?
You don't care
what happens to me.
Nobody cares.
Franks is coming!
All right, get
down in the tunnel.
Right.
Tell the rest to keep quiet.
Looking for something, Sergeant?
The Colonel is up late.
Yeah, I was just gonna
get some fresh air.
It's not against
regulations, is it?
The Colonel still
likes to make jokes.
Didn't think you'd notice.
I notice everything.
Nobody fools Sergeant Franks.
Man would have to be
a fool to try to fool you.
That's right.
Oh.
The Inspector General
is coming here tomorrow.
He was just here.
You have something
to do with it?
Through my cousin, who works...
Works in Göring's
office, yeah. Ja.
You expect a good rating?
"E.E." double plus.
Naturally, you'll
get the credit.
Why not?
Before I came
here, the camp rating
was "G" minus.
Oh, I see.
You're out to make
yourself look good
and Klink look bad.
Why not?
That is how a soldier gets ahead
in the German army.
Well, I hope you get
everything you deserve.
I'll even help if I can.
Come on.
Hey, I think we're
almost through.
Bigelow!
Yeah. Hi, you guys.
You okay? Yeah, fine.
Oh, I'm glad to see you.
Here, LeBeau, get in there.
Come on, fellas, let's go. Go!
Here. Give him a hand.
Here we go. HOGAN: All right.
The rest are coming through.
Welcome.
Yeah.
It took you guys long enough.
I was just starting to
lose my taste for sardines.
Eh, freak cave-in.
Looks like everything
went but the middle.
Which is where I
happened to be at the time.
For once, being caught in
the middle is okay.
Hey.
There's at least 40 feet
before we get outside.
That's another week's digging.
We've got to
get rid of the dirt.
Yeah, I know. With that sergeant
sniffing around,
it's gonna be tough.
Look, we'd better get those
sacks of dirt back upstairs.
We'll put them in the rafters.
Okay. Go ahead.
Reveille? It isn't time yet.
Two hours earlier for
punishment. Remember?
What do we do now, Colonel?
We'd better fall out.
Franks inspected the
barracks yesterday.
Does that mean he won't come in?
If we're not out there
in ten seconds, he will.
All present and accounted for.
Colonel Klink.
Colonel Klink.
Hmm? Hmm?
What's the matter?
The men are all present
and accounted for.
Did you have to wake
me up just to tell me that?
Oh, very good. Very good.
I wish to report that
the Inspector General
will be here this morning for
an unscheduled inspection.
The Inspector
General? Why so soon?
I assure the Colonel that
we will get a top rating.
Colonel Hogan!
You will see that
your men are ready.
My men are ready at
all times for anything.
I will inspect your
barracks now.
Why bother?
The place was just
cleaned yesterday.
The dirt, it's all
over the place.
I will make sure.
You act like you don't trust us.
The Colonel is right.
I do not.
I want to go on record
as protesting this
breach of faith.
Give us a few minutes
to tidy up the place.
Well, Sergeant, I
hope you're satisfied.
Make sure it stays this way.
I understand you are a tailor.
Sometimes. Schultz!
Yes, sir!
Yes.
Press my uniform.
I want it back in time
for the inspection.
Is this soon enough?
I can have you shot for this.
All right, easy, Sergeant.
LeBeau, I'm surprised at you.
You're not being
friendly with our guest.
It'll be done, Sergeant.
Very good, Colonel.
You are sensible.
What else could we do?
We're just prisoners, and
you're the master race.
Bigelow, thanks for
cleaning up the place,
but what'd you do with the dirt?
Threw it back down in the hole.
Good thinking.
Hey, that's great,
Bigelow! Great!
We're getting you
out of here today.
Today? We won't
have the tunnel clear.
You said yourself it
would take a week.
I know. He's going out
through the front gate.
Front gate?! How?
I don't quite know how yet,
but it involves Sergeant Franks.
Well, I'll tell you one thing:
I'm not pressing his uniform...
unless he's in it.
Take it easy. Yes, you are.
But you're going to do a
better job than he expects.
Carter, you still got
some of that invisible ink
that you made up for
sending messages?
Sure. Why?
What temperature does
the ink begin to show?
90 degrees.
And body temperature is 98.6.
That's perfect.
What's-what's going on, Colonel?
Same time we get rid of you,
we're gonna get rid
of Sergeant Franks.
Killing two birds
with one stone, eh?
Let's just say we're
killing one bird,
and the other one's
flying the coop.
I am sure the Inspector General
will find everything in order.
I hope so, Sergeant.
The last commandant who
had two "G" minus ratings
was Colonel Feldgaum.
Oh, you mean Colonel
Feldgaum from Stalag Five, huh?
No, Colonel Feldgaum
of the Russian front.
This is the worst
I have ever seen!
I can't understand it.
You told me
everything was in order.
It was... just two minutes ago.
Get the men out here.
Jawohl!
Fall out! Fall out! Fall out!
Make it snappy.
Get into formation.
Get into formation!
Get into the formation!
Sergeant Franks,
this is shocking.
Prisoner detail, all
assembled and correct, sir.
Bravo! Bravo!
Nothing up his sleeve.
Silence!
Hey, show a leg there!
Detail awaiting
instructions, sir.
Oh, my good...
You're coming apart
at the seams, mate.
As I, uh, as I said,
awaiting instructions, sir.
Sergeant Franks,
what is happening here?
I do not know
anything about this!
This is treason!
Turn this man
over to the Gestapo.
But I am innocent!
That's what they all say.
You're right, mate,
the old story, every time.
Schultz!
Hold this man till the
Gestapo picks him up.
With pleasure!
But I did not do anything wrong!
Yes, you did. You
broke the regulations.
Article Two, Paragraph Nine.
You're out of uniform.
Don't forget to write, mate!
Don't forget to write.
Naturally, Klink,
I don't blame you
for the condition of the camp.
He did it.
He won't do it anymore.
Gestapo.
You have a prisoner for me.
Which one of you is it?
He's the one.
But I tell you, I am innocent.
I will prove it at my trial.
What trial?
My car broke down.
I have commandeered this truck.
Put him in the back.
Well, Hogan, I got rid of him
without your help.
I knew I would.
I never doubted
it for a minute, sir.
Never forget one thing, Hogan:
No one gets the
best of Colonel Klink.