Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 27 - The Tower - full transcript

CBS presents this
program in color.

All right. All set?

Right. Yes, sir.

Now you know what
you're looking for.

Avoid the patrols.

In exactly 13 minutes,
you'll rendezvous with a guide

from the underground.

Her name is Lili.

Lili? Joli fille.

All of a sudden, he's alert.

Well, it's been a long time,



especially for a Frenchman.

Take him away.

Come on.

Good luck.

Right.

Lili?

Yes. I'm Kinchloe.

This is Carter. And I'm LeBeau.

Hi. How are you?

You must be quiet.

Follow me.

To the ends of the earth.

Just beyond the trees.

Yeah, that's a
radio tower, all right.



And that looks like
some kind of control unit.

Yeah. They moved
it through the town

early this morning.

The tower has been
completed several days.

Boy, that's quite a structure.

Yes.

I like it better than
the Eiffel Tower.

Our underground reported

a courier carried
some dispatches

from the tower to
your commandant.

We'll notify Colonel Hogan.

You finished, Carter?

Yeah.

Okay, let's get back to camp.

Uh, you guys run along.

Lili and I will do
some more exploring.

I must leave now.

My father will be worried.

Good-bye.

Uh, Lili!

Mon ami,

you still wish to do a
little exploring, huh?

Well, I hope the next
war will be friendlier

than this one.

There's nobody
in Klink's office.

If Klink received any
important information

from the courier,
it'll be in the safe.

Look for an envelope
marked "Top Secret."

Right.

Go find Lightfingers Newkirk

and get in there. Okay.

How do you figure it, Colonel?

I don't know. Either it's
a transmitting station,

or receiving, or both.

Oh, well, it's pretty
close to camp.

We made a big detour
to stay undercover,

but it's right over that hill.

Why'd the Krauts put
it there all of a sudden?

We gonna blow it up?

It's nice to know
what something is

before you destroy it, Carter.

Why?

Well, I mean, after the war,

you can tell your children
we blew up a this or a that.

Children? I'm not even married.

Don't worry, Carter.

Somewhere there's
a wife, even for you.

Hurry it up, will you? Vite!

Stop your narrating, will you?

I can't listen to you
and the tumblers.

A-ha. There we are.

Ah, marvelous fingers, these.

Got ears of their own.

Will you stop admiring
yourself and start looking?

Oh, we are jumpy
today, aren't we?

Wait, hello.

"Luftwaffe Code
Book." Top Secret.

Ah, we've got a copy of that.

"Prisoner of War Regulations."

I like a camp that's
run by the book.

Hey, hey, look out.

This looks a bit official.

Yeah, official, all right.

Postcards from Paris.

Ooh, blimey.

And no views of
the Eiffel Tower.

Hey, I think we ought to, uh,

visit Klink's safe
a bit more often.

What's going on in here?

We were just robbing the
commandant's safe, Schultz.

Jolly joker.

He never believes anything.

I'm asking you again.

What are you doing in here?

Cleaning the office.

Who told you to?

You did yesterday.

Impossible. I was off duty.

Uh, the day before?

Impossible.

I was on duty but sleeping.

What's the difference?

We're here and
doing a great job.

Also impossible.

There is some monkey
business going on here.

You know, Schultz, as a people,

you Germans are
terribly suspicious.

You want me to believe you?

He's got a point there.

Now I know that
I did not ask you

to clean this room.

Oh, then it must have been

Corporal Nick in charge.

Yeah, that's right,
it must have been...

Achtung!

Schultz, what's going on here?

Herr Kommandant,

they are cleaning the office.

I told them to do it.

Get these men
out of here at once!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Raus! Everybody,
out, out, out, out,

out, out, out, out.

Mach schnell!

Hurry, hurry!

Raus...

Oh, Schultz, Schultz?

Double the guards
at all the exits.

No one is allowed
in this building

for one hour.

Jawohl, Herr Commandant.

General Burkhalter
will have a conference

with Captain Berger
and myself, understood?

Understood, Herr Kommandant.

Out! Out! Out...!

Get out of my sight...

Right.

Now, uh, before we start, uh,

shall we have a little
refreshment, Herr General?

I don't want anything.

Neither does Berger.

Well, I'll just have a little...

Neither do you.

That's right, I don't.

I just thought I did.

Now, Klink, this
matter is top secret.

General Burkhalter, I assure you

that this room is
absolutely secure.

Nobody can hear a single word.

Nobody.

We're nobody, aren't we?

Nobody. Nobody.

We promise not
to tell a soul, right?

Right. Right.

Satisfied? I am.

That's good enough for me.

Do you have the
papers and the map?

Yes, sir.

I have it right here.

I have kept it with
me all this time.

I can assure, Herr General,

we have needed something
like this for a long time.

Something like what?

Whatever it is.

Like me to explain it
to him, Herr General?

You may have to use baby talk.

Carry on.

Colonel Klink,

this is a type of radio station

that can send information
to our fighter squadrons

earlier than before

so that they may
get into the air

and knock down some
enemy bombers much quicker.

I'm all for that.

I'm glad.

Thank you, sir.

Now, may I ask, how
do I fit into this operation?

Well, fortunately,

the ideal location
for this is here,

right close to Stalag 13.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

The enemy will not bomb
it, because even a near miss,

they might kill some
of their own men here.

It is relatively safe
from enemy bombing,

but there is the
problem of sabotage.

That's where you come in.

General Burkhalter, I assure you

I would never
sabotage our own men.

I am placing you in command

of all security measures
for the radio station.

Your men will guard it.

You can depend on me, sir.

And I will hold you
personally responsible

if anything goes wrong.

Rest easy.

Put it out of your mind.

We have great
experience in such matters.

You see, we've never had

a successful escape
from Stalag 13.

But if there is the
slightest difficulty,

there will be one. Sir?

I will arrange for you to
escape from Stalag 13...

to the Russian front.

Disguised as a
private in the infantry.

An advance warning system.

Murder.

Exactly.

Krauts could knock
down more bombers

than we could send over.

Well, let's blow it up.

Sure. We blow it up,
Klink takes the rap

and gets sent to
the Russian front.

Well, it couldn't
happen to a nicer guy.

We get a new commandant
who puts us out of business.

We got to blow it up
and protect Klink, too.

Burkhalter's the man.

His orders count.

What are Burkhalter's
weaknesses?

And Wienerschnitzel.

And frauleins.
What good is that?

That's everybody's weakness.

I just thought I'd mention it.

Well... Hold it, hold it.

That's it.

We get at Burkhalter
through a fraulein.

Kinch, get a message
to the underground.

I want to talk
to the girl, Lili.

All right, Colonel.

LeBeau, you go
out and bring her in

through the emergency tunnel.

Yes, Colonel.

He made a pass at her.

Who made a pass at her?

LeBeau, but it didn't work.

Good.

It means she's also got brains.

Write a letter to a
German officer, me?

That's right, a fan letter.

I'd rather die first.

A lot of the guys
flying the bombers

just might if you don't.

Colonel, I don't
understand your plan.

You will.

We get to Burkhalter
through Klink.

This is the first step.

He might take
the letter seriously.

Then we're halfway home.

Look, I volunteered to
work in the underground.

I have cheated, stolen, lied
for the cause I believe in...

And now we're offering
a chance to put out

the biggest lie of them all.

You write and tell Klink
what a great guy he is.

You want to build
a bowling alley?

In the rec hall, sir.

The Red Cross will
supply the equipment,

if you give your permission
and have tools issued to us.

And you expect that
that's necessary for morale?

Commandant, it's inspiring
the way you grasp these things.

So, you want me to
issue tools to your men?

That means you will start
out by building a bowling alley

and wind up digging tunnels.

You have my word as an officer

there will be no...

Permission denied. Dismissed.

What harm can a
bowling alley possibly do?

Hogan, I said dismissed.

Thanks a lot.

You're a great humanitarian.

Uh, Hogan, just a moment.

So, you really think I'm
a monster, don't you?

Not just a monster, sir.

You're a genius at it.

Insolence.

Not bad at that, either.

There are some people
who don't agree with you.

People who think
I'm not so bad after all.

There are all kind
of nuts in this world.

I, uh, received a letter
from a lady in town.

She doesn't even know me.

She, uh, has great
admiration for me.

I don't believe it.

"Dear Colonel Klink,

"I shouldn't be writing to you

"because we have never
been properly introduced,

"but I have seen you
in town many times

"and admired you at a distance.

"I have also heard
from many people

"that you are a fine officer
and a credit to the Fatherland.

"I hope we can meet
sometime in the future.

Sincerely, Fraulein Weske."

Oh, "P.S. Heil Hitler."

It's a very romantic
touch at the end.

That's not your own handwriting?

Of course not.

Ah, it's probably some
old maid battle-ax.

I have also made some
discreet telephone calls,

and it so happens
that Fräulein Weske

is a very intelligent
and attractive girl.

Maybe I'm wrong, then.

Women have an instinct
about things like this.

At least you're man
enough to admit it.

Well, now, I suppose,
you're going to invite her here

for a little intimate dinner?

No, I hadn't thought I...

You'll also invite Burkhalter
so you can show off.

Burkhalter?

Well, don't think I'm going

to ask Corporal
LeBeau to cook you

a real French
dinner. No, no, no.

Unless you give us an
extra hour of electricity.

I'll do it.

I got to hand it to you.

What do you mean, Hogan?

When it comes to the ladies,

you sure move fast.

That's marvelous.

A pleasant evening
with a pleasant company.

Oh...

Prosit. Prosit.

Mm, wonderful.

Now, may I propose a toast?

To strong men and weak women.

The Colonel is so
clever at parties.

Shall we sit down?

Yes, sir. Fräulein.

Any action?

We can't get started

until you get rid of
Schultz... do something.

Oui, right away.

Hey, Schultzy. Look.

Come on, come on.

Mm...

Come on, it's delicious.

Come on.

Mm...

Good, huh?

Mm...

And when Colonel
Klink invited me here,

why, I had no idea I
would be meeting a general.

Well, that's one of
our little surprises.

A little surprise, Klink?

No, sir, a big one,
a very... a big one.

And a very nice one, too.

Thank you.

And may I say,
Fräulein, that meeting you

has been one of
the nicest things

that has happened
to me in this war.

Oh, General!

What a sweet thing to say.

I could just kiss you.

You could?

Well, why not?

Mmm.

You see what can happen to you

when you are a general, Klink?

Well, sir, I have something
to look forward to.

Maybe in the next war.

I guess it's all right

for me to be here with you.

I can always say I
am guarding you.

And you're doing
a good job, Schultz.

You want some more chicken?

Oh, ja!

Danke.

You're welcome.

Guard duty is such hard work.

And I assigned Colonel Klink

to be the security
officer in this area.

I'm sure he'll do a
very good job for you.

He better.

More champagne all around.

Champagne all around.

Yes, sir.

Yes, ma'am.

Here you are, sir.

Thank you.

Dinner's almost ready.

Oh, you fool!

I apologize, Herr
General, I apologize.

Please allow me.

Thank you, Fraulein.

Oh...

Mmm...

I hope the big shots
are enjoying themselves.

You're doing pretty
good yourself, Schultzy.

Why don't they
invite me to a party?

Schultz, if you
were giving a party,

would you invite you?

Mmm, et voila.

Your dinner is ready.

Go ahead, announce it.

Okay.

Would I invite me? No.

Huh. Why should I?

Herr Kommandant... Yes, yes?

Dinner is served!

Thank you, Schultz.

Fräulein, General, shall we?

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

My foot went to sleep.

Oh, my dear, may I help you?

I have the situation
well in hand.

I feel much better.

Oh, that's good.
Excuse me, Schultz.

I've got to get these
glasses out of...

Oh, yes.

Much better.

Uh, shall we, shall we?

Uh, please, allow me.

May I?

There. Well, here we are,

the three of us having dinner.

Everything looks so pretty,

it's a shame we
didn't get a chance

to take some pictures.

Very good.

Looks like fun and
games in Klink's quarters.

Ha. Get a load of the expression

on Burkhalter's
face in this one.

And with him, you can't tell

whether it's love
or indigestion.

What's our next move, Colonel?

Tonight, we'll go out
and blow up that tower.

And then?

Immediately following that,
we'll blow up Burkhalter.

Just like that, huh?

Let's just say it's
double or nothing.

That's it, Colonel.

All right, don't make a move

till we get them out of there.

And make it fast.

We're only going
to have one chance.

Right, Colonel. Right.

Good luck. Let's go, Kinch.

This looks like a good place.

Start the hog calling.

Achtung! Achtung!

This is Captain Berger!

Sergeant Schultz,

you will report to me at once!

Sergeant Schultz!

Sergeant Schultz!

Was ist los?

This is Captain Berger!

You will report to me at once!

Jawohl!

Where is he?

Sergeant Schultz,
this is Berger!

What are you waiting for?!

Yes, Captain Berger, at
your service, Captain Berger!

Here I am, Captain Berger!

Where is he?!

Captain Berger?!

Schultz!

Captain Berger!

Yes, Captain Berger,
at your service!

Here I am!

Captain Berger!

Here I am, Captain
Berger, at your service!

Captain Berger!

I'm coming, Captain Berger!

I'm coming, Captain Berger.

Captain Berger...

I'm coming.

Captain Berger?

Captain Berger, here I come!

Captain Berger? Captain Berger?

Captain Berger?

Captain Berger?

All set?

Ready.

Yeah, the stuff is all planted.

Okay, up she goes.

Wait a minute.
What's the matter?

Colonel, do you mind if, uh...?

Could I...?

Oh, of course, Carter.

Terribly selfish of me.

Pyromaniacs are
so sensitive. Go.

You Dummkopf!

I should have known
better than to rely on you!

But I assure you, Herr
General, I was asleep in bed

at the time it
happened right here!

At least you could have had
the decency to sleep there.

I assure you, Herr
General, the next time...

There will be no next
time for you, Klink.

I won't sleep at
all, ever, anywhere.

I'm relieving you of command.

But Herr General, I... Silence!

I'm not finished!

You are under arrest
for criminal inefficiency.

Me? Are you
questioning me, Klink?

Of course not, Herr General.

A very wise decision.

But if the General would
possibly reconsider...

Hate to break in
on two old friends.

Hogan...

Thought we might discuss
the bowling alley idea

while you're both in
such a good mood.

"Bowling alley"? Get out, Hogan!

Oh, you want to think about it?

Hogan, you are dismissed.

Yes, sir.

Oh, this envelope's for you.

Hilda must have dropped it
when she brought in the mail.

Sorry. Clumsy of me.

It's a picture of you, sir.

Very natural, too.

I hate pictures

that are posed, don't you?

Mmm, they do look very natural.

Of course, some people
take good pictures,

some people take bad pictures.

Shut up, Klink.

This is a frame-up!

I will have this girl
arrested at once.

What's her name...
Fräulein, uh, Weske.

Right, right, have her arrested.

Oops. Wrong.

What are you talking about?

Have her arrested,

she sends the
pictures to your wife,

your wife has you arrested.

My wife? Yeah,

you remember her...

The little woman
with the big temper?

This was an innocent party!

It was an innocent party!

Keep out of this.

Yes, sir; it wasn't
innocent at all.

Shut up!

Let me see.

Girl kissing you, girl
sitting on your lap,

you holding girl in your arms...

Ah, what's to worry about?

Your wife will understand.

I am not afraid of my wife.

Not afraid of your wife.

But then, there's the Führer.

You know he doesn't
like scandal of any kind.

Oh, here's a note.

"Dear General,

though I find you a
most fascinating man..."

"Fascinating"? Mmm.

We may have misjudged the girl.

A discerning woman.

"Though I find you a
most fascinating man,

I've lost my heart
to Colonel Klink"?

Hmm? That's incredible!

Ridiculous.

Ridiculous. But in
my lighter moments,

when the burdens of
war were not so heavy...

Go on, Hogan.

He does have a
fascinating smile.

Thank you, Hogan.

She'll return the negatives
if I publicly announce

Klink is not responsible
for the sabotage.

I won't do it.

Can I give you a lift
to the Russian Front?

I must have those negatives.

She says to send
one of the prisoners.

She will trust no one else.

Here, Hogan.

You go.

The instructions are here.

You trust me?

Of course.

I will have all
the prisoners shot

if you are not
back in three hours.

You're a saint.

We will tolerate
no tricks, Hogan.

And I will send a guard

to escort you to
your cell, Klink.

He doesn't mean a thing.

He loves me like a brother.

You know, you'd be
better off without a family.

General.

You've got the negatives?

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Aren't you going
to release Klink?

Now that I've got
these, what for?

Maybe you better count.

There is one missing.

That little cheat.

Sad world.

You can't trust anyone anymore.

Guard?

Oh, General Burkhalter,
what a nice surprise.

You've come to see me.

Yeah, and it's not
even visiting day.

I have decided to release
you and restore your command.

All charges will be dropped.

You can't mean it, sir.

I don't, but I have no choice.

I feel so good, I
want to celebrate.

What have you got in mind?

A party.

First, I will invite
Fräulein Weske,

then the general...

Commandant, do
me a favor, will you?

What is it?

Go to a movie instead.