Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 26 - The Most Escape-Proof Camp I've Ever Escaped From - full transcript

CBS presents this
program in color.

At 8:40, the train
leaves the supply depot.

At 9:10, it passes
Kessler Station,

and at 9:55, it starts
over the bridge.

And at 9:55 and
ten seconds, boom...

No bridge, no train
and no supplies.

What a magnificent disaster
we are about to create.

Yeah, but just don't hang
around to admire your handiwork.

That area is pretty
heavily patrolled.

That means, "Tonight,
we strike another blow

for liberty in France."



Viva la France.

La plume est sur la table.

That means, "The
pen is on the table."

Viva la table.

Colonel Hogan.

I just got an urgent
message from London.

We got to pick up
an underground agent

tomorrow night and
smuggle him into camp.

Smuggle him into camp? Why?

He's got some information
on those new sub pens.

Control wants it fast,

and we're his
nearest radio contact.

The information must
be pretty important.

Sounds like it.



They don't want anything

to go wrong on this end,

so we're on condition
red till further notice.

Condition red?

What about our job tonight?

We'll just have to scrap it

and wait for the
next supply train.

La plume est sur la table.

Herr Commandant!

Schultz, what did I
tell you this morning

about having any
interruptions today?

You told me, Herr Commandant,

that you have lots of work to do

and you do not
want any interruptions

and no one is to bother you.

Schultz!

No one is going to
disturb you today.

Someone is already
disturbing me.

Who?

No one is here
but the two of us.

I know, Schultz, but one of us

should be out there
where he was told to be.

Oh, you mean I
am the disturbance.

Oh, excuse me. Schultz...

what is it?

What's so important?

There's someone
to see you outside.

I told you I don't want
to see anybody today!

And when I say "anybody,"

that includes everybody!

Nobody sees me!

Nobody calls me!

Nobody talks to me!

Nobody! I don't care who it is!

It's General Burkhalter.

Have him come right in, Schultz.

He is here with Colonel
Stieffer from the SS.

Are you in trouble?

Trouble?

Why should I be in trouble?

I've always been a good
soldier and a loyal German,

and I can truthfully say that
whatever I've done wrong

is all a pack of lies.

I can truthfully say that, too.

Someone has started a
vicious rumor about me.

Who would do a
thing like that to you?

I don't know, but somewhere

in this prisoner-of-war
camp, I may have enemies.

Klink!

Ah, General Burkhalter,

it is good to see you again.

You know, this is really
a marvelous surprise.

We haven't had a
friendly chat for some time.

We haven't had a
friendly chat at any time.

I'm here on a serious matter,

so I will be quick.

A serious matter?

According to our
records, you have done

a remarkable job
here at Stalag 13.

You're an exceptional
commandant,

and you're an officer
of superior ability.

Lies! All lies.

Quiet, Schultz!

General Burkhalter,
this is very flattering,

but honestly, I
don't think I deserve

all this high praise.

I don't think so either.

However,

you're getting a chance
to live up to your reputation.

This is Colonel
Stieffer of the SS.

He has a special
assignment for you.

A pleasure, Colonel,
a real pleasure.

Whatever I can do for the SS

will be a real privilege.

And I am deeply moved

by being chosen for this task.

I hope that this handshake

will mark the beginning

of a long and
lasting friendship.

The SS has no friends.

Yes, sir, I think you've
got a good idea on that.

After all, when you
add up what you spend

on dinner parties,
luncheons, gifts...

I mean, who needs the
expense of friendship

when a little hatred
doesn't cost you a cent?

Shall we let Colonel
Stieffer talk for a change?

Yes, sir.

Schultz, not another
word out of you

until the colonel is finished.

Proceed, Colonel.

We have a very special
prisoner we're turning over to you,

and we expect you to
make sure he doesn't escape.

Sir, I can assure you

no one has ever
escaped from Stalag 13.

So far, he's escaped from nine
of your camps since his capture.

Well...

he won't be leaving
here so easily.

If he does, you will
be leaving yourself...

carrying snowshoes
and a Russian road map.

All right.

We can't have any
slip-ups on this job.

The sub pens are
loaded with wolf packs

in for supplies and refueling.

How long do you
think they will stay?

I'd say 12 hours at the most.

Can't go out and pick
up our agent till after dark.

Doesn't leave London much
time to make an air strike.

When do we rendezvous
with the underground agent?

There's an old mill
four miles north of here.

Are there any questions so far?

I have one, sir.

Yeah, Carter, what is it?

Can we do an easier
exercise for a while?

These knee bends are killing me.

You're getting soft, Carter.

Yeah, so am I.

Everybody up.

Next exercise.

Colonel, look behind you.

Hey, watch it, now!
Hey, watch it, now!

Get your bloomin' hands off.

You think it could be
our agent, Colonel?

No, that's a British soldier.

Let's have a closer look.

Carter.

We'll walk over.

Get up, you!

Get up! You know you
can't get away from here.

Get up! Get up! Come on!

Watch your bloomin'
hands, will you?

- Sergeant Schmidt.
- Get up!

Come on, get up!

You were to deliver the prisoner

directly to the
commandant's office.

I'm sorry, sir. The
prisoner fell down.

We can't get him up.

No? I will see about that.

On your feet, you!

And when I say "walk,"

you walk.

Jawohl, Herr Colonel.

Schultz.

What happened?

Fools! Idiots!

He's escaped!

I hope the colonel
realizes that this prisoner

has not been placed
officially into my custody,

so, uh, I can hardly be blamed

for this unfortunate incident

which, uh, fortunately,
I'm not to be blamed for.

Colonel Klink,

this is hardly the
time to be discussing

who is to be blamed for what.

Oh, that devil Flood.

He escaped right
from under our noses!

Ah-ah! My nose was,
uh, still in my office

when this happened.

I think I found the trouble
with your car, Colonel.

Starter seems to be broken.

You try another trick like that,

and I'll have you shot!

Please be sure it is him

when you shoot, Colonel.

Hey, that's Malcolm Flood,

the guy that's made
all those prison breaks.

The newspapers are
full of stories about him.

I wonder if he'll be
able to get out of here.

You're joking.

Just a moment ago,
he nearly got out

before he even got in.

Looks like Stalag 13
is in for its first escape.

Yeah, and if he does break out,

that colonel will have SS troops

combing every inch of
ground from here to Berlin.

It's going to be rough
getting at that agent

with those boys hanging around.

I'd better see Flood
before he does anything.

Klink's probably
keeping him under wraps.

You think he'll let
you talk to him?

As senior officer of this camp,

I must be allowed to
see any prisoner I wish.

No, Colonel Hogan, you
cannot see the prisoner,

you cannot speak
to the prisoner,

you cannot write
to the prisoner.

Colonel Klink, as senior
officer of this camp,

the prisoners are
my responsibility,

and I demand to
see Sergeant Flood.

Hogan, this is the last time

I'm going to tell you no for
the last time. That's funny.

I never noticed what
thin, cruel lips you have.

I have thin, cruel lips? Mm-hmm.

And your eyes.

I have thin, cruel eyes, too?

No, cold and hard.

The twinkle and
laughter is gone.

They're not the same smiling,
prescient eyes you once had.

My lips don't feel
the least bit thin.

Colonel, give us back

the warm, understanding
commandant we respected

and... yes, some
of us even loved.

Hogan, talk all you want.

But I'm not going to
let you see the prisoner.

I only wanted to
see him for a moment

to pass on a few
encouraging words,

perhaps send a
letter to his mother.

The Colonel Klink I once knew

wouldn't deny that to any man.

I'm not going to let
you see the prisoner.

Yeah, the Colonel Klink I knew

was quite a guy.

Let me tell you
some of the things

my boys used to say about
this grand human being.

I'm not going to let
you see the prisoner.

To Sergeant Carter,
you were a father image.

Three minutes.

Fine, Schultz, fine. Thanks.

Sergeant Flood,
I'm Colonel Hogan,

senior officer
here at Stalag 13.

I just stopped by to see if
there's anything you need.

Stay right where you are,
Flood, and hear me good.

Uh, getting enough to eat?

Anything special you need?

Here, let me jot these down
so I don't miss anything.

Now, look, we've got
an important mission

for Allied Intelligence tonight,

and you're really
going to mess it up

if you try another escape.

No, you're not going
too fast for me, Flood,

but you'd better
take a look at this list,

make sure I've got
everything marked down.

Now, look, this is
an important job,

and I want your word you'll
stay right here in this cell.

Sergeant, I'm
asking this as an ally.

I'm waiting, Sergeant.

Now, look, Flood...

Oh, boy.

You sure there's
nothing else, Sergeant?

Ah, don't worry, I don't mind.

That's what I'm here for.

I'll just walk
myself to the door

and let myself out.

Sergeant Schultz?
Yes, Colonel Hogan?

You were listening all the time.

Who, me? Why should I?

You didn't even say
anything worth hearing.

I tell you, the man's
a proper wizard.

How does he get
out of a locked cell

with an armed guard on the door?

Schultz was the guard.

All he had to worry
about was the locked cell.

What happens now, Colonel?

Do we still go out after
the underground agent?

It depends on how
long it takes them

to find out Flood is missing.

Well, maybe we
should try and find him.

By now, he's miles from here.

Well, all we can do is
hope for the best, and...

What's that noise?

Somebody's strangling.

Sounds more like gargling.

That's exactly what it is,

and it's coming
from my quarters.

Let's go.

It's him!

All right, fellas.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just
going to tidy up a bit

before I leave.

Begging your pardon, sir.

I didn't realize I was
using an officer's quarters.

You don't mind if
I sit down, do you?

Oh, not at all, sir.
Thanks, thanks.

I-I know I should
have asked permission

to use your gear, but you chaps

were in the middle of a confab.

Seemed to be
something important,

and I didn't like to butt in.

Matter of fact, we were
discussing you, Flood.

Sit down, sit down.

Oh, thank you, sir, but I
can only stay a minute.

Going to let yourself
get captured again?

Well, you can't escape
from a prison camp

till you're put in one.

You do this as a hobby?

Oh, I should say not, sir.

It's serious business.

You see, in civilian
life, I was a performer...

The world's greatest
escape artist.

You might have heard of
me... Malcolm the Marvelous!

I'm afraid I haven't.

Not many people have.

They're certainly hearing
about me now, though.

Why, every time I
make a prison break,

it's another headline.

You're doing this
as a publicity stunt?

Oh, I'd hardly call it that.

Why, I've become
famous... A legendary figure.

Why, when I return to the
stage, I'll return as a star.

It won't be Malcolm
the Marvelous anymore.

It'll be Flood... the Fabulous!

Yeah. Look, Sergeant,

I want to ask you a favor.

I want you to go
back to your cell

before the Germans
find out you've escaped.

Oh, I couldn't do that, sir.

My men and I are on
an important mission,

and we don't want
a pack of SS guards

combing the bushes for you.

Oh, I'd like to cooperate
with you, Colonel,

really, I would, but...

well, you're asking a bit much.

All right, then,
I'll stop asking...

and make that an order.

An order, sir? An order.

You're confined to
barracks till further notice.

Is that clear?

Quite clear.

Carter, get in there

and keep an eye
on Sergeant Flood.

What's he doing, sir?

Nothing. I just want to
make sure he stays there.

Yes, sir.

Hi, I'm Carter.

I just thought

I'd come in to get acquainted

and have a
little friendly visit.

That's very decent
of you, Carter.

Uh, excuse me, Sarge.

You know, I've been
meaning to ask you...

how did you get out of
those other nine camps?

Basic elementary techniques.

Child's play.

Child's play compared
to the spectacular stunts

I did on the stage.

You were in show business?

Was I in show business?

Introducing Malcolm
the Marvelous.

Chains cannot bind
him nor prisons hold him.

Why, I've escaped
from bank vaults,

locked trunks, sealed coffins

and numerous hotel rooms
where my luggage was being held.

Well, I heard that guys do that,

but they use a phony trunk.

Phony trunk, is it?

Well, not Malcolm the Marvelous.

See that footlocker?

Real enough, ain't it?

Well, you can
lock me inside of it,

tie ropes around it,
even sit on top of it,

and I'll be out of it
in less than a minute.

That's impossible.

All right, it'll be
dark in a minute.

We'll sneak Flood
back in his cell.

He's not an easy
man to hold, Colonel.

Yeah, he's broke out twice.

There's nothing he can do
with all of us guarding him.

Well, it seems a shame
to ruin his plans like this.

Look, I don't like it, either,

but our plans
have to come first.

Let's get him.

Sergeant?

He's gone!

So is Carter.

Hey, Flood must
have made a break,

and Carter took out after him.

Of course. Let's go help him.

All right, hold it.
Hold it a minute.

He took off, all right, but
Carter didn't follow him.

Carter's in my footlocker.

In your footlocker?

Don't ask me how I know,
but that's where he is.

You're in my footlocker,
aren't you, Carter?

Yes, I am, sir.

Get him out quick,

before I decide to
leave him there, will you?

What is it, Schultz?
What has happened?

Herr Kommandant,

do you remember
the English sergeant

who was our prisoner for
a couple of minutes today?

Are you trying to tell me that
Sergeant Flood has escaped?

That's what I'm trying
very hard not to tell you.

I told you to watch
him every minute!

I did, Herr Kommandant. I swear!

I didn't let him out of my sight

from the moment
I locked his cell

until he escaped.

Now, Colonel Klink,

if you will excuse me,

I'll phone the general at once

and give him a report
of your miserable failure.

This looks bad,
Schultz, very bad.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

But, Herr Kommandant,
I was taught

no matter how bad
something may be,

one should always
look at the good side.

Well, the good side
looks pretty bad, too.

Please, Schultz, don't try to be

Little Gretchen Sunshine today.

We've let a very
important prisoner escape.

Now, can you find
anything good about that?

Sure, Herr Kommandant.

Now that I have no one to guard,

you could give me
the 12-hour pass.

I am too busy to see you today.

I know you are, sir,
but this won't take long.

Oh, go ahead and finish packing.

Packing? I'm not packing.

Oh, that's a smart
idea to travel light.

That way you don't get
your luggage shot up, too.

What is this about traveling?
I'm not going anyplace.

According to my
information, you are.

Flood's escape
was your swan song,

and the name of that song

is, "Good-bye, Dad,
I'm Off to Stalingrad."

Nonsense, Hogan.

I've been in the
army for 20 years,

and this is my first mistake.

My first mistake in 20 years.

That's rather remarkable,
wouldn't you say so?

Yeah, I'd say so.

But would the man
with the say-so say so?

Hogan, we all make mistakes.

No one is perfect.

Except him, of course. Yeah.

Well, I had a plan to
get you out of this mess,

but as long as
you're not worried...

Wait a minute. Who
said I'm not worried?

What's your plan? What?

I mean, how can you help me?

All you've got to do
is recapture Flood.

Look, Hogan, Colonel Stieffer

is searching for Flood
with an entire SS company.

Now, if they can't
find him, who can?

I can.

I know where he's hiding.

You do? How?

He told me when I
talked to him in the cell.

He told me a lot of things.

For instance, do you know why

he keeps going from one
prison camp to another?

No. Why?

He's looking for a home, the
one place he'll feel wanted.

He is wanted all over Germany!

Colonel Klink, Stalag 13
could be that one place

that he's looking for.

And you as commandant
would automatically become

the father figure that he needs.

If you're a good
father, he stays.

If not, he leaves.

It's entirely up to you

as to what kind of
father you're going to be.

Hogan...

I am not going to
be any kind of father!

I'm not even married,

and you're asking me
to treat Flood like a child.

Psychologically, he is.

Now, if you establish

a solid father-son
relationship with him...

I won't do it.

Commandant Klink,
you've got two choices:

fatherhood or an exciting trip

to the Russian
winter wonderland.

Colonel Hogan, let's
bring my boy back home.

Oh, yeah, all right.

There's just one thing

I meant to mention
before: I go alone.

Alone, Hogan? Nothing
against you personally, sir,

but, uh, Flood trusts me.

Well, nothing against
you personally, Colonel,

but I don't.

Do you think I'm
going to let you walk

out of this camp alone?

Who said anything about walking?

I was going to borrow
one of your trucks.

Schultz can drive me.

I guess I'll have to trust you.

I appreciate that, Commandant,

and I won't do anything
to destroy your faith in me.

I'm sure you won't.

Tell your men not to follow
too close behind me, huh?

They'll stay just within
machine gun range.

Sub pens will be

practically empty by midnight.

We are not giving Air
Command much time.

It's enough.

They're ready to go
the second they get

the target locations.

We'll go straight
to the radio room

and get the information off.

Now, where did they go

after they drove
through the gate?

Well, why didn't you
ask Colonel Hogan?

Oh, he was in a hurry, huh?

Corporal, Colonel Hogan
is not your superior officer.

He's a prisoner of war!

I know he doesn't act like
one, but he is a prisoner.

And the next time he
drives through that gate,

I want you to...

Never mind.

There isn't going
to be a next time!

We're back, Colonel.

Hogan, you were
back 20 minutes ago.

Now, where have you been?

I just took Malcolm
over to the barracks.

You were to report to
my office immediately.

I did not give you...
Softly, Colonel, softly.

Malcolm is just
outside the door.

You've got to stop throwing
these temper tantrums

if you're going to be
any kind of a father.

I wasn't throwing

any temper tantrums.
Yes, you were.

You were shouting hysterically
and stomping your feet.

I was not stomping my feet!

I was only shouting
hysterically!

Now, why did you have to
go back to the barracks first?

I wanted to show him
where he's going to live,

to show him how
cozy and snug it was.

Did he seem happy? Yes, he did.

You won't have any
more trouble with him.

Good, good, Hogan.

Why don't you let
Malcolm come in now?

Oh, do I look all right?

Perfect.

Any man in this camp would
be proud to call you "Daddy."

Thank you, Hogan.

Come on in, Malcolm.

Hello, son. Welcome...

That is not Malcolm
Flood. Yes, it is.

He just looks different
in civilian clothes.

It isn't just the
civilian clothes.

This man is older, he's
shorter, he's heavier.

His hair is not the same color.

And besides that, Flood
didn't wear any glasses.

Well, you ought to
know your own son.

Who's this man, then?

My name is Max Hubler.

Uh, 117 Gossett Street.

I'm an accountant
for the host industries.

Well, why'd you say
you were Malcolm Flood?

I didn't say anything.

I thought I'd been captured

by an American commando.

I-I was so frightened,
I could hardly speak.

You thought I was an
American commando? Jawohl.

That's a riot.

The laugh's on us, Colonel.

Hogan! This is the
last time I'll ever listen...

Softly, Colonel, softly.

This is the last time... Hogan!

Out of here and
never bother me again.

Just one minute, Colonel!

I want to find out what
this man was doing

at that old mill.

I have some other
questions for him, too.

Hogan, I said out!

Oh, would you like to
see my papers, Colonel?

Please, Mr. Hubler,
that will not be necessary.

Just a minute. Just a minute.

I'd like to see them.

I said out!

All right, I'll go, but
this is the last time

I'm going to do
anything for you.

I wish I could believe that.

All right, take off.

Well, Sergeant Flood.

Evening, Colonel.

I captured him myself
right outside the gate.

He was trying to get away.

I wasn't trying to get away.

I was trying to get back in.

Sure, sure.

People always are
trying to break in here.

That's why we have
to lock the gates.

That's the truth, Colonel.

Uh, I guess you'd say
I had a change of heart

about a few things.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I know what you mean.

All right, let's go, and
no tricks, or I'll shoot!

Schultz, you don't have a gun.

I can always go and get one.

So, you did catch him, Schultz.

Good work.

You can turn him over to me now.

To you, Colonel?

You see, Headquarters
is fed up with Flood

and these prison breaks,

so they decided to let the
Gestapo take charge of him.

Gestapo?

That's right, Sergeant.

And we have a method of
preventing escapes that's...

Well, I guess you'd call it a
sure-fire guarantee, hmm?

Colonel Hogan, I just
got word from London:

mission accomplished.

That's great, Kinch.

Something wrong?

We've been talking
about Sergeant Flood.

I shouldn't have
said anything to him.

Oh, don't blame
yourself, Colonel.

He came back because he felt

it was his duty.

You think there's a chance he
may escape from the Gestapo?

He will if there's a
footlocker in the room.

No, I'm afraid old
Flood's had it this time.

Nobody escapes
those Gestapo boys.

Yeah, I'd like to think

that Flood just might
be the exception.

Oh, I'd like to think so, too...

but I'd lay 100
to one against it.

I believe I'll take
that bet, Newkirk.