Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 25 - Reverend Kommandant Klink - full transcript

CBS presents this
program in color.

Come on, Schultz!
It's freezing out here!

What's the holdup, Schultz?

Yeah, you wouldn't want
me to write my congressman!

It's not up to me!

We have to wait
for the commandant,

but in the meantime

I'm going to enforce
the same iron discipline...

Herr Kommandant, I beg to report

all present and accounted for!

Schultz, what are
you bothering me for?



An enemy plane was shot down.

The pilot made it out.

We must find him!
Don't you understand?!

Yes, Herr Kommandant.
Certainly, Herr Kommandant!

Well, what are you waiting for?!

Oh, you want me to find him?

Of course!

Release the dogs,
sound the alarm,

but get him! Get him! Get him!

Yes, Herr Kommandant.
Certainly Herr Kommandant!

Herr Kommandant,
you can be assured...

Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go!

Jawohl!

Release the dogs!
Sound the alarm!



What do you think, Colonel?

I think for a big man,
Schultz moves pretty fast.

Well?

Couldn't get close
to him, Colonel.

It's been 24 hours
since they brought him in.

I tried.

Who's running this
camp, the Germans?

The Gestapo major still has him

in Klink's office
for questioning.

Get plugged in, Kinch.

Right, Colonel.

What's all this flap

about one fighter pilot?

They want something from him.

What is it?

Ah, Lieutenant Boucher.

You are with the
brave Free French.

My name is Lieutenant
Claude Boucher,

serial number 42105513.

Lieutenant, we already
know you are Free French.

We also know the
English fighter group

to which you are attached...

Pardon, were attached...

And we know a great deal more.

Lieutenant, the Gestapo

is a most efficient
organization,

and I would suggest that
you cooperate with them fully.

I always do. I do.

Thank you, thank you.

Since your capture yesterday,

we have been checking
into your background.

You were an aspiring actor
in Paris before the war, yes?

Would you believe it,

but before I found my
true calling as a soldier,

that is, I, uh, also toyed
with the idea of possibly...

Some other time.

Some other time.

And you have family
in Paris, I believe.

No, none. That is blackmail!

If you have no family in Paris,
how can we blackmail you?

This picture that
you were carrying...

she is very pretty.

Oh, yes, very.

She was your fiancé?

She is my fiancé.

Oh?

Strange, she did
not act like a fiancee

when I saw her two weeks ago.

You are lying.

Most charming.

Mademoiselle Suzanne.

She has made the
burdens of war less heavy

for a great many
German officers.

I am sorry.

"C'est la guerre,"
you would say, huh?

I don't believe it.

You remember her from
your last Paris leave, Klink?

The pretty little actress
at the Theater Athenée.

As a matter of fact, Major,

I had a miserable time in Paris.

First, I caught a dreadful
head cold, and then I...

Klink.

Oh, of course, I remember.

Oh, oh, yes. Of course.

Charming. Charming.

Do not hate her, Lieutenant.

After all, it has been years
since she has seen you.

France has lost the war.

She has accepted that hard fact.

I am sure you will do the same.

How could she
do a thing like that?

She didn't.

It's the oldest
line in the world,

and Boucher's falling for it.

How do you know
it's a line, Colonel?

Carter, can you imagine a girl,

any girl, going out with Klink?

No, I can't.

What do you think
they want from him?

I think he's
getting to it. Listen.

Right now, Lieutenant, you
think you have not much to live for,

but life goes on.

It can be easy or hard.

A little conversation with us,

a few facts that could
not possibly hurt anyone

could make all the difference.

What facts?

Well, your fighter
group we already know.

The location of your air
base, we know approximately

but just clear this
up for our records.

I will never tell you that.

Lieutenant, I would not advise
you to defy Major Hochstetter.

He has ways of
extracting information

that are most unpleasant.

No, no, no, Klink.

There is time.

Let him make up his own mind.

Back to solitary, young man.

Think about it.

We'll talk again tomorrow.

Ooh, Major, I wish you'd
give me a chance to talk to him.

No, no, no, Klink.

Let him think about
his lovely lost Suzanne.

In a day or two, he
will tell us everything.

He will, too, traitor.

Far too romantic, you Frenchman.

Unstable. Oh, yeah?

I wouldn't crack up

because my girl
double-crossed me.

I guess I'd expect it.

What do we do
about him, Colonel?

You got any ideas?

I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Maybe Hochstetter will give him

a three-day pass to go
to Paris and get married.

Hey, that's a great idea.
I'll go along as flower girl.

Maid of honor!

Hold it, hold it.

LeBeau, I think you hit it.

I did?

With a slight change.

We bring the girl here
to get him married.

Colonel, you feel all right?

It's battle fatigue.

I've seen it coming on.

And no man deserved it more.

Maybe I'm in the wrong outfit.

Isn't this the bunch that
built the plane right here

and flew it out of camp?

Stole a tank and
hid it in the barracks?

Kidnapped a German general

and took him to
bomb his own refinery?

What's a simple little wedding?

Well, as long as it's
a simple wedding.

I'll give you my
word, just 200 guests.

What? 200?

Who's going to
perform the ceremony?

Easy. Who's the most qualified?

I won't even guess,

because I'll be dead
wrong. Dead wrong.

Don't you see, fellas?

On a ship, it's
the captain, right?

Right.

This entire area

is under martial law.

Who has civilian
and military authority?

Colonel, you don't mean...

Commandant Klink?

Fellas, you knew
it all the time.

This is a big
assignment, LeBeau.

You've got to get
to Paris safely.

Gotta find an actress named
Suzanne who's engaged

to an actor-flier
named Claude Boucher.

You bring her back
here, all within 24 hours.

You think you can handle it?

Well, one thing that
bothers me, Colonel.

What?

Will that give me time to
look up my old girlfriends?

Ration yourself.

Pick up the motorcycle
in Hammelburg, okay?

Right. Au revoir, Colonel.

Au revoir, Kinch. Take it easy.

Au revoir, Carter. Come on!

Hey, old buddy.

What if you approach

this Suzanne and
find out she really

has gone over to the Nazis?

What happens to you?

I have eternal faith in
French womanhood.

Also, I'm a very fast runner.

Aha!

I saw something.

Come on in, Schultz.

I am already in!

I'm here to make a bed check.

Excellent idea. Why?

Because there's a
Gestapo major here.

His name is Major Hochstetter,

and if anything
should happen while

Major Hochstetter
is here, it will not

be the fault of
Sergeant Schultz.

Line your men up
in front of the bunks!

What for?

So I can see that everybody

is here, is what for.

Everybody's here,
take my word for it.

Everybody except LeBeau.

Uh-huh.

And where is LeBeau?

Paris.

Colonel Hogan, you must

tell me, because...

Paris?

Just on his way, really.

Paris, France?

Carter, you better
get Schultz a chair.

Right away, Colonel.

No chair!

There has been an escape?

I have to report this
to Commandant Klink!

You do that, Schultz,

and good luck.

Good luck to me?

Ha! Good luck to you!

Why did you say, "Good luck"?

It's pretty obvious, isn't it?

You know how Klink's proud
of his record here at Stalag 13.

Never an escape.

Now one of your
prisoners is missing.

I'm gonna miss you, Schultz.

Take plenty of warm clothing.

Look, he might
like the Russians.

He might never come back.

Colonel Hogan.

Well, maybe Major
Hochstetter will defend you.

Major Hochstetter?

What am I supposed to do?

Hope for a break.

With luck, LeBeau
will be back in 24 hours.

Oh, he will?

And you won't tell
Kommandant Klink?

I promise.

You are my best friend.

Right. Now go back
to your barracks

and lie down under
your favorite blanket

and let us do the worrying.

Thank you.

Oh, LeBeau will be back?

With the girl.

What girl?

The one who's gonna get
married to the young flier.

I hear nothing!

Nothing!

This could have been
a little sticky, Colonel.

Yeah, that's the one
trouble with a big wedding.

The details can drive you crazy.

Mademoiselle Suzanne?

Merci.

Mademoiselle Suzanne?

Merci.

Mademoiselle Suzanne?

I do not know you.

Let me introduce myself.

Please. I do not speak
to German soldiers.

You do not know how
happy that makes me.

Pourquoi?

I am French. My
name is Louis LeBeau

and I am a friend
of Claude Boucher,

Claude.

Oh, Claude.

Is he all right?

Has anything happened to him?

He was shot
down, but he is safe.

Oh, mon dieu.

Mon dieu.

He is captured?

Yes.

Oh, well, no matter,
as long as he's safe.

If I could only tell
him that I will wait.

You may not have to.

Are you doing anything tonight

that will prevent
your getting married?

You, you're joking.

No.

I'm here to take you to him.

Your wedding coach.

Oh, but I, but I
don't understand.

Well, I don't even know you.

Oh, but you are a wonderful man.

Magnifique.

You are a friend of Claude?

Already I hate him.

Look at your situation
realistically, Boucher.

You have lost the war,
you have lost your fiancee,

and now you have
lost your liberty.

Who can make life
better for you, eh?

Your friends... the Germans.

We're a wonderful people.

Klink.

Hochstetter's bearing
down pretty hard.

He's not gonna crack already?

Actors are all unstable

and French actors are the worst.

He might hold out, but we'd
better not take any chances.

I'll get over there.

Oh, here's the pill, Colonel.

Let's hope I don't
have to use it.

Sooner or later we
will find the position

of your air base without you,

so why not get a little
something out of it yourself?

Yes, and then you will bomb it.

No, nothing could be
further from our minds.

We only want the
position for our records.

That's all.

Colonel Hogan to see
you, Herr Kommandant.

Absolutely not!

Colonel Klink, I know
it's just an oversight,

but I haven't yet been
able to advise this prisoner

of his rights under the
Geneva Convention.

That's why I'm here.

Who is this man?

Hogan, we are
conducting an interrogation.

I order you to leave at once.

All right, let's talk
about something else.

Who is this man!?

Morale is very low among
the men, Commandant,

so we're putting on
a camp show tonight.

Say, we could write
in a part for you, sir.

It's one of those
character pieces,

but those kind make
or break a production.

You're not writing
in anything for me.

Well, we can work out
the fine details later on.

All I need is your
permission for the show idea.

You have it. Now
leave, leave, leave.

Thanks, sir.

Say, is this man an actor?

He'd be perfect
for the part. Perfect.

Who is this man?!

Colonel Hogan,
Major, but of course,

you won't let us
have him for the show,

so forget I mentioned it.

I've forgotten it.

Wait.

Boucher was an actor.

It might be enjoyable for him.

So you won't let us have him.

Why not? We are his friends.

That's very big of you, sir.

Could I have him
right now for rehearsal?

No, no rehearsal.

You can have him for
the performance only,

under close supervision.

Well, that's not so big
of you, but I'll take it.

Could I watch him
drink a glass of water?

Why?

It's an old Stanislavski
test of acting ability.

I want to make sure
he's right for the part.

I'll just help myself.

Bottoms up.

Did you see that?

This man has the
makings of a star!

Thank you, Major.

Commandant.

See you at the show tonight.

A little eccentric,

but thoroughly
cowed, sir, thoroughly.

Perhaps.

So, we do something
once again, nice for you, eh?

A little reciprocation?

Just the location
of your air base.

Is it north of London or south?

Or possibly east?

West?

Boucher?

What's the matter, Major?

This man is asleep.

How could this have happened?

I suspect your thoroughly
cowed Colonel Hogan.

Impossible!

Isn't it?

Later on, we'll make
a surprise inspection.

He's too smart for you,
Klink, but not for me.

Well, as long as we're covered.

Did you get the girl?

Where is she?

Oh, it's so good to be home!

LeBeau?

Oh, the girl, of course.

Be careful there.

Suzanne, the boys.

Hello, boys!

Hi.

Colonel Hogan.

Enchantée, Colonel.

I'm the father of the bride.

Let's make that cousin.

But, you know, this
is all so fantastic!

I can't believe it.

Does Claude know I'm here?

No, and I probably won't
get a chance to tell him

before the ceremony, so
be prepared for anything.

All right.

Colonel.

Klink's coming with Hochstetter.

All right, back in the tunnel.

No time!

All right, in my office.

Quick, quick!

Achtung!

Hello, Major.

How did you know
we like surprises?

Are they all here, Klink?

Of course, Major.

In all the history of Stalag 13,

we have never had one single...

They are all here,
aren't they, Schultz?

Herr Kommandant, on
one hand I might say, I...

What was the question?

What's the matter with you?

Are they all here or
are they not all here?

Well, Herr Kommandant,
I should say

almost all are here.

Almost?

Uh-huh, we have
uncovered something.

Corporal LeBeau is missing, sir.

He's escaped?

Schultz, why didn't you tell me?

He didn't escape.
He's in my office.

What?

Someone ask for me?

There is something
afoot here, Klink. I smell it.

Perhaps we should
search your office.

Oh, please do.

I'm so proud of it.

I want you to see
how we furnished it

in orange crate modern.

No.

You are too eager.

I blew it.

But from now on, my
eye will be upon you.

Good.

Good.

By the way, Commandant, I
have some bad news for you.

Somebody else is
going to take your part.

What part?

In our play tonight.

We thought you
were a little short.

Hogan, I have no
intention of playing it!

You will play it.

I'll play it!

I will?

If this man wants you out,

I want you in to
watch what is going on.

Years of understanding
the criminal mind.

You cannot compete against it.

I wouldn't even try.

We'll use this one, Kinch.

Right.

Reverend?

Yes?

Uh, Commandant, you have had

stage experience, haven't you?

Of course, of course.

What was your last part?

Peter Pan.

But that was some time ago.

Well, once you've
got it, you never lose it.

Boucher?

Look, we haven't had
a chance to rehearse

so I'll give it to you now.

You're going to be the groom...

and this is your bride.

Now, this is the bride's
mother and father.

Hogan!

Oh, yes, the commandant
will marry you.

I do not recall
giving permission

to Fraulein Hilda
to be part of this.

You can kiss the bride.

Oh.

Now, the bride's
veil will be down

and all during the ceremony,

you think you're
marrying someone else.

It's only when you
lift the veil to kiss her,

that you see that it's
the one you really love,

the one they told you
had run out on you,

but now you know she didn't.

Do you follow me?

I don't think so.

You will.

Now, the impact of the scene

is the look on your face
when you turn the bride

away from the commandant
and lift her veil like this.

Shall I try it?

Don't waste it.

It's curtain time.

Hilda, you better fix your veil.

Jawohl, mein Colonel.

Good luck.

Carter?

Oh, you never
looked more beautiful.

Thank you, Colonel.

You're superb, Newkirk.

You're not just
saying that, sir?

No.

Commandant,

tonight you make them forget

all about Peter Pan.

Major, shall we go out front

and watch the show?

Good luck.

Boo. Boo.

Boo!

So far it's going
well, don't you think?

We shall see.

It's going to be a
beautiful wedding.

Will the, uh...

will the couple
please join hands?

And now, do you...

Suzanne.

Take this man to be

your lawful wedded husband,

to love, honor

and cherish till
death do you part?

I do.

And do you...

Uh, uh, Claude.

Take this woman
to have and to hold,

from this day forward,
till death do you part?

I do.

Then by the
authority vested in me,

I now pronounce
you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Wasn't it marvelous?

What was it?

Bravo! Author! Author!

I am telling you, Klink,

that something was
going on last night.

I smell it!

Major, nothing happened.

There was a show.

True, the performance
declined in quality

after my little sketch, but...

nothing happened.

Schultz.

You kept Boucher in sight

every minute during
the rest of the show?

Me, Herr Major?

I was supposed to?

Schultz!

Fraulein Hilda.

You saw what Boucher was doing

at all times during the evening?

You know how it is, Major.

Once a woman marries a man,

some of the interest is gone.

Yes. Quite right, eh?

Well, perhaps nothing
happened after all.

Heh. Bring him in.

Jawohl, Herr Major.

Boucher!

Good morning, Lieutenant.

I hope you enjoyed

performing again last night.

Oh, yes, sir. Thank you sir.

Oh, it was nothing, nothing.

We're your friends, no?

Of course. Definitely.

Good, good.

Then, just between friends,

perhaps this morning
you are ready to give us

the position of
that air base, eh?

Well, I can tell you that...

I can tell you that my
name is Claude Boucher.

That my rank is
first lieutenant.

That my serial
number is 42105513.

That is all. All?!

All?!

All.

May I be excused, sir?

No! If that is your attitude,

I shall take you
back to Berlin with me

and force the
information out of you!

I'm afraid Hermann Goering
wouldn't approve of that, sir.

You know, we've got a lot more
of his fly boys in English camps

than he has of ours.

You stay out of this!

Major Hochstetter,

it is true that any
transfer of prisoners

has to be passed on

by Luftwaffe
headquarters, and then...

May I be excused now, sir?

Go! What do I care?!

I doubt if the Luftwaffe could

scrape together enough planes

to bomb your air base anyway!

What do you want, Hogan?

Yes, what do you want, Hogan?

I wanted to give you
the overnight reaction

of the critics, sir,
on the performance.

Yes?

Well, they all loved
the girl and the boy,

they split about half and
half on the mother and father.

And... me?

Sorry, sir.

Too German-looking.