Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Crittendon Plan - full transcript

And I'm telling you,
London, it can't be done.

Sure, we know
where the tunnel is,

but if the Krauts are running a
rocket fuel convoy through there,

it'll be heavily guarded.

Besides, it's too far from
Stalag 13 to take all my men.

We've arranged
all that, old boy...

Made contact with
an underground group.

They'll meet you tomorrow
night at 2200 hours

at rendezvous point, uh, 906.

Oh, and you'd better use
recognition code one-four.

We hear these
people are eccentric



but keen, terribly keen.

They'd better be.

Blowing up a tunnel and a convoy

should call for a battalion.

We can go you
one better, old boy.

Chap of ours worked out

a special plan
for this operation.

Got it all in his
head, unfortunately.

Why? Where's his head?

Oh, no problem there.

You can pick him up

on your way to the
rendezvous point.

Caught his foot in
a trap a while back.

Jerry's got him in Stalag 16.



We've got to break
him out of Stalag 16?

Is it worth it?

Oh, he's got such
a beautiful concept

of the whole operation, old boy.

We've named it after
him: The Crittendon Plan.

Not Colonel Crittendon!

Aha... you know him.

I know he's the most
incompetent officer

in the entire British army...
That's how well I know him.

Fooled you, too, eh, did he?

Razor sharp, old Crit.

Razor sharp.

We'll pick up
the usual things...

Explosives,
shortwave, and so on.

Best of luck, chaps.

Hey, wait a minute.

Colonel, not Crittendon.

Crittendon. They
got to be kidding.

It would be a disaster... A
complete, impossible disaster.

Just tell me one thing, one
thing he's ever done right.

Well, he always put
a lot of faith in me.

Good, you're going with us.

Congratulations.

Serves you right, big mouth.

I didn't say I put
a lot of faith in him.

I just said he... You're
escaping tonight.

I'll join you
tomorrow; let's go.

But... how are we
going to do it, Colonel?

I mean, blowing up a
whole convoy in a tunnel...

That's a pretty big job.

Why ask me?

It's all in The Crittendon Plan.

T-The Crittendon Plan.

Yes, sir.

I'm sure it's all in there.

Report!

Herr Kommandant,
I beg your pardon.

Schultz, what is it, what is it?

I don't know how to say
it, Herr Kommandant, but...

Schultz, what is
the matter with you?

You say, "All present
and accounted for."

Now, say it.

I would give my life

if I would be able
to say it, but, I...

Unfortunately, Commandant,
there's been an escape.

Escape?

Schultz, did you
sound the alarm?

Sound the... Too
late, Commandant.

Happened early last night.

Carter. He's long gone.

Long gone?

Schultz, I will have
your head for this.

Berlin will have my head.

The one thing they
would never question

was my perfect record.

Now it's gone.

Should we call out the dogs?

Call out the... No
chance, Commandant.

Why not? Carter
thinks like a dog.

Yes, he thinks like a dog.

But he must be recaptured.

You got a problem, Commandant,

because there's only
one man in Stalag 13

who knows how to find him.

Who's that?

Me. I think like him.

Hogan, this is a trick.

I'm not letting you
out of this camp.

Commandant, do you
really think I'd go out

and hunt down one of my own men?

I order you to go.

That never works, sir.

Hogan, what am I to do?

Wait for your transfer.

Russian front.

Hmm. Russian front.

Yes.

We'll wait for your replacement.

A beast probably.

A beast, of course.

Won't be a man of
your culture, humanity.

Prisoners will suffer.

The prisoners will suffer, yes.

Why not?

But c'est la guerre.

C'est la guerre.

Hogan, you owe it to
your men to bring him back.

Really, sir?

Look at them.

What would it mean

to those poor devils if
they were to lose me?

More than you'll ever know, sir.

Then go. I'll do it.

Under heavy guard, of course.

"Hair-trigger" Schultz.

Jawohl, my colonel.

Oh, Schultz, you idiot,
you don't salute him.

He's your prisoner.

And see to it that
it stays that way.

Jawohl, mein Kommandant.

And bring Carter back.

Dismissed.

Colonel Hogan, what
are we really going to do?

Well, Schultz, first...

Tell me nothing, nothing.

Colonel Hogan, I must protest.

What are we doing here?

Looking for Carter.

Humph. We were sent
out to look for Carter.

What has looking
for Carter to do

with the many stops
we've been making?

What has looking
for Carter to do

with all the supplies
and bundles

you were loading back there?

German uniforms,

guns and radios, and
boxes of something

that looks like something
I do not want to look at.

Dynamite.

Oh, please, Colonel Hogan!

What are we doing here?

Looking for Carter.

Hmm. "Looking for Carter."

There he is now.

It is Carter.

Carter,

you're under arrest.

Please wait.

I found you, Carter.

You are my prisoner.

Hi, Schultz.

Now, get into the truck.

No tricks.

Get in!

Where are we going, Schultz?

Back to Stalag 13, where else?

I thought we'd go to Stalag 16.

Why, why? Well, we have orders

to pick up a prisoner.

What prisoner? What orders?

My German uniform
in the back of the truck.

Well, shall we go?

Wait!

We are going back to
Stalag 13, and nowhere else.

Now, back into the truck. March!

Just thinking of you, Schultz.

Do not think of me. Halt!

Why are you thinking of me?

Gestapo pick up
your trail yet, Carter?

Oh, yes, sir.

Uh, they're close
behind me that way.

I welcome the Gestapo.

I've captured a very dangerous
escaped prisoner single-handed.

Sure, Schultz, and they'll
probably give you a medal

for that stuff in the
back of the truck.

I know nothing of what's
in the back of the truck!

Nothing!

And I'll back you up
every inch of the way...

As long as I can
humanly hold out.

He might not crack for hours.

Let's go to Stalag 16.

Get in the truck! Schnell!

You'll never regret it, Schultz.

Danke.

Go ahead, sir; I read
you loud and clear.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Mission underway there, chaps?

Our men are on their
way, sir, hours ago.

Oh, I say, that's
a bit of a fix.

What is, sir?

Well, our mistake, really,

though completely
understandable.

The Colonel
Crittendon in Stalag 16

isn't the man
for the job at all.

It's the wrong Crittendon?

The Colonel Crittendon
we want is in Stalag 2.

Fine, sir.

Yes, well, you see,

where we got our
wires crossed is this,

that that donkey in Stalag 16

submitted a perfectly
dreadful plan about a year back

for growing geraniums
along the runways

of all our aerodromes.

Called it The Crittendon Plan.

So, you can
understand our mistake.

Eh, any possibility
Perfectly, sir.

Of getting word to
your men in the field?

Not a prayer.

Oh. Too bad.

Well, they'll just have to
muddle through, won't they?

Best of luck, chaps.

Righto.

Colonel Crittendon, Major.

What's going on here?

Quiet!

We will question the
prisoner in private.

Of course, Major. I understand.

I must say, I'm surprised at
you chaps going over to Jerry.

You especially, Carter.

We did not turn traitor.

We forged some papers to
get you out of here, so listen.

Actually?

Well, that's jolly
sporting of you, but, uh...

I have my own
tunnel working here.

Three or four months,
I'll be free as a bird.

Crittendon!

Happens every time.

Listen to me.

You're going out of
here with us tonight,

but, first, I've got to be sure.

Did you or did you not
formulate something

for the War Office known
as The Crittendon Plan?

Of course.

That's why you've come for me.

So they're actually
going to do it...

The Crittendon Plan.

Well, that does it.

Get the guard.

Yes, sir.

You know, Colonel, actually,
I always did think that...

Get the guard.

Yes, sir.

Guard!

Jawohl, Herr Major?

This is our man.

Get his things
together and follow us.

Jawohl, Herr Major.

Can't believe they're
going through with it, Hogan.

All I can say, Crittendon,
is it better be good.

Good? It's superb.

Imagine the morale boost
to those young flying chaps,

setting down in dear old England

between a carpet of
crimson geraniums.

Geraniums? Geraniums?

Of course.

Straight from the horror of war.

Like coming home
to mother's cottage.

Tremendous psychological
factor there, chaps.

That's The Crittendon Plan?

Geraniums lining every runway.

And they're going to do it.

Any way we can leave him, sir?

'Fraid not, but I'd love to.

Something wrong?

Nothing, nothing at all.

Let's go plant geraniums.

Good show.

Carry on, chaps.

Chins up.

See you in Tipperary.

Yes.

Sergeant Schultz.
Yes, put him on.

Dummkopf. Where have you been?

I don't want a report
on traffic conditions.

Have you captured
Carter, yes or no?

Herr Kommandant, we definitely
captured him, most definitely.

Then why don't
you bring him back?

Ooh, a very good idea,
Herr Commandant, very good.

As soon as certain details
have been worked out.

Schultz, what is
the matter with you?

Have you got Carter or not?

I want a straight answer.

Oh, and I would
like to give you one,

but, like Hogan always says,

life is not always
black and white.

What he means by
that, I do not know.

Schultz, when I want philosophy
from Hogan, I'll ask him.

Oh, an excellent idea.

I shall put him on.

Schultz, I don't
want to talk to Hogan.

Schultz!

Highly irregular.

Excuse me, please,
Colonel Hogan.

Commandant Klink
would like to speak to you.

Much too busy for that,
Schultz. Tell him, will you?

But if I tell him,
Colonel Hogan,

he might ask what
are you so busy doing.

All right, I'll tell you.

Please. I'll make up something.

Now, look, Crittendon,

it's almost rendezvous time.

Our people are going to be here.

Are you in with us or not?

Well, dash it all, Hogan.

A prisoner's duty is to escape

and get back to his own life.

Now, what's that got to do
with blowing up convoys?

I explained that to you.

The people we're to meet here

are highly suspicious by nature.

Otherwise, they
wouldn't be alive.

They're expecting us to have

a Colonel Crittendon
who has the master plan

to this whole operation.

I can't tell 'em we have
the wrong Crittendon.

They'd pull out in a minute.

We couldn't switch
the whole thing

to planting geraniums,

I suppose? No!

Pity.

Colonel, I think our
people just came in.

All right, I'll do the talking.

Don't get pinned
down on anything.

I'll answer the questions.

Here, do you really
think you should?

Yes.

Just asking.

I believe I have a
spot on my left sleeve.

It must be from the stroganoff.

I love to play
Parcheesi on Sunday.

It is early in the year
for stroganoff, is it not?

As a boy, I had a pet rabbit.

I miss him.

I had a bunny once.

Miss him terribly at times.

That is not in the code.

Sit down, sit down.

He's ad-libbing.

Dull code otherwise.

You are Hogan?

Sergeant Carter.

Colonel Crittendon.

I do not like it.

You should have more men.

And if you were more of a man,

we would need less men.

We're all specialists
and we have the plan.

The, uh, Crittendon Plan.

Tell it to me.

Which one?

Not now, later. In the morning.

I must...

I must hear the plan.

Don't be an old woman.

They will tell you the plan
when they tell you the plan.

I do not trust them.

And why should they trust you?

Excuse me, but...

What is this, a German?

He's a neutral.

Could you speak to
Commandant Klink

just for a little moment?

Who is this Klink?

I'm sorry, Schultz.
We're just leaving.

Where are we
going? You stay here.

It won't be more
than a day or two.

A day or two?

All right, not more than a week.

A week?

One thing.

Tonight, tomorrow, no time,

no one touches the girl.

What girl?

Girl? What girl?

No one touches her.

Of course, of course.

No, naturally.

Never entered my mind.

Oh, boy.

What? What's up?

Shh...

Where are the others?

They left to look at the tunnel.

What, without me?

You were born
under a lucky star.

Well, uh... shouldn't we go

and look for them or something?

I will lead you.

Oh... You sure you know the way?

I've been there before.

They will post the guard
there tomorrow morning.

Yeah, about 50 troops.

And how do we fight 50 Germans?

We don't.

We open fire on the convoy

about a half a mile
from the tunnel.

We stop the lead trucks
so the others bunch up

and we call in the bombers
to go to work on the rocket fuel.

Where do we get the bombers?

Get in touch with
'em by shortwave.

Have a flight of
B17s standing by.

As soon as we find out
what time the convoy arrives,

we radio the information.

What of the tunnel?

Blow that, too.

Bombers will force
the Germans inside.

We'll sneak up and lob
in some high explosives.

Eh, dangerous plan.

There may be some losses.

What time's the convoy get here?

Tell him.

They come two hours after
the guard is posted at that tunnel.

All right. Let's go.

Carter?

Hey, Colonel, I got
some beauties here.

Where is the girl?

She's not here?

Where's Crittendon?

Well, he's right
over there asleep...

I... I don't know.

I said no one touches the girl.

Hello there, chaps.

Well, we, uh, had a
deuce of a job finding you,

but, uh, we had quite a
jolly chat together, really.

What did you do with him?

Not what you think, pig.

I asked him some questions

that you should've
asked him last night.

He has no plans at all.

Did you know that?

He knows nothing
about the convoy.

He wants to plant
geraniums somewhere.

Crittendon!

Well, she, uh... seemed
sincerely interested.

Hey!

Now you will call to
no one to betray us.

No... one.

Yeah, I guess we won't.

Oh, bad show.

All right, time to go, Carter.

Ready with that thing?

I hope so.

It's the best I could
do on short notice.

You are going nowhere.

I already explained
to you what happened.

We simply got the
wrong Colonel Crittendon.

That's all.

No offense, Colonel.

Quite all right.

For that, you can shoot us,

or you can stay here, or
you can come with us...

but we're going to
try to stop that convoy.

Get in the truck, Carter.

Right, Colonel.

No!

He will not shoot.

I am going with them.

But they have no chance.

Perhaps, but they are
going to fight Germans,

and that is what
I am going to do:

fight Germans.

I do not believe them.

You are afraid.

You?

The girl stays with me.

Who wants to die by inches?

I am going.

You have no chance!

All right, Crittendon,
you sure you've got it?

Got it, old boy. Oops.

Having a spot of
trouble holding it, though.

I'm talking about procedure.

Ah.

Now, you're under
the truck with the bomb.

Yes, indeed. When we stop
the lead truck in the convoy,

you crawl under it and tape
the bomb to the gas tank.

Right. It's set to go off

when they're in the tunnel.

Well, I'll do my best, old boy.

Not exactly my line of
work, though, you know?

Truck coming, Colonel.

All right, Carter.

Set the bomb.

Uh-oh, bad news.

Marko's in the front seat
with a couple of Krauts.

That pig.

What do we do now, Colonel?

Go through with it.

I shall cover him from
the side of the road.

If he opens his mouth, I fire.

But if he hasn't
gone over to them,

it seems a rum
go to blow him up.

That's our job.

All right, Crittendon,
get under the truck.

Under the truck. Crittendon?

Yes? The bomb.

Ah.

If you see the truck
is not going to stop,

jump out of the way.

Don't worry. They'll stop.

Hello.

These are your
instructions, Sergeant?

To stop for every hitchhiker?

No, Major, I...

Laudent, inspect the truck there

to see if they're doing
anything else wrong.

Yes, Herr Major.
Sergeant, dismount!

Sergeant, you will look at me!

Yes, Major.

Who is this other hitchhiker?

You are running a bus service?

No, Major, uh, one of
our patrols picked him up.

They thought he was a
member of a guerrilla band

and would make a good hostage.

So, with guerrillas operating,

you make two stops and
bunch up the convoy?!

Sergeant...

What is it?

Nothing, nothing.

Is everything in order, Laudent?

You will look at me, Sergeant!

Almost everything, Herr Major.

Get back in the truck.

Yes, sir.

Where are you going, Sergeant?!

Get back in the truck!

Yes, Major.

Drive on.

And your commanding
officer shall hear from me.

All right, get this
truck out of here.

The rest of that convoy
will be along in a minute.

Right, Colonel. Crittendon.

Did you get it taped down okay?

No fuss at all, old boy.

What time's it set to go off?

Two minutes.

Cor. Glad I didn't know.

Let's go.

Hey, the convoy's
in the tunnel, Colonel.

How's the time?

It should've happened by now.

Crittendon, are you sure...?

There she goes!

And the tunnel, the
convoy, the works!

Hogan, you're wonderful!

No one touches the girl!

No one.

Oh. Pity, actually.

Colonel Hogan, Sergeant
Carter, I want every minute

of the three days you
were gone accounted for.

That's the thanks we get for
keeping your record intact?

Hogan, I will not be diverted.

Well, just look what
happened while we were gone.

A British colonel
escaped from Stalag 16,

and you're complaining.

They'll catch him.

Eh, you're probably right.

Hogan, I will not be diverted.

I want every minute
accounted for.

Well, it takes time
to track down a fox.

Carter?

I led them a merry chase, sir,

but they were relentless.

Schultz, why did
you keep calling

from a beer hall?

Because there was a telephone?

I won't accept that.

But, sir, it was really
an exhausting chase.

It may go down in the annals
of the all-time great manhunts.

Boy, I was out there in the
woods, and I was... Carter...

Well, I'm sorry, sir,
but I just have to say it.

You and Schultz were just
too much for me, just too much.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Schultz, I am giving
you a three-day pass.

Thank you, Herr Kommandant.

Hogan, you will receive

two extra pieces
of writing paper.

Characteristically
generous, sir.

And me, sir?

30 days in the cooler
for attempted escape.

Dismissed.

I talk too much?

You talk too much.