Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 22 - Heil Klink - full transcript

CBS presents this
program in color.

What is that?

He is here... Colonel Hogan.

Hi, Tiger.

So you're Herr Brauner, huh?

Congratulations.

You saw what's outside?

Gestapo.

Gestapo.

It is not true.

They do not know that I'm here.



They could not have followed me.

No?

They've been following you

ever since you left Berlin.

Colonel Hogan,
are they coming up?

No, it's the waiting game.

Trail him to get a road map

of our escape route
out of Germany.

Pick up every member of
the underground on the way.

Including me.

It's your fault.

You people urged me to defect.

Nagged me for months.

We told you when and how.



Instead, you panicked...

Hopped in your
staff car and ran.

They were getting suspicious.

I was being followed
by the Gestapo!

And you still are!

You must save me.

I have all the financial
secrets of the Third Reich.

London and Washington
calls me the "evil genius"

behind the Nazi money empire.

Start thinking, genius.

Colonel Hogan, we
could take him out

through the passageway, no?

Of course. I'm saved!

Not a chance.

It leads straight
to a beer hall.

We all go out that way, the
Gestapo would be in here

in a few minutes and
take this place apart

until they find the passageway.

So? So?

So they come
straight to the beer hall

and force those people to talk.

Then they come
straight to Stalag 13

and find our whole operation.

I take the risk.

I won't.

I should not have
listened to you people.

I had a good position, security.

I even got a medal
from Herr Hitler.

Hitler?

Okay, we'll do it
that way. What way?

Tiger, you and I are going to
go out through the passageway.

We got to get you
out of Germany.

They're going to
be looking for you.

But what about me?

You're going to stay
here and sit tight.

Stay here alone?

I cannot.

In two hours, exactly 3:00,

you go down and
get in your staff car.

But they'll be following me.

Right, straight to Stalag 13.

You enter through the main gate.

They will arrest me.

They will arrest everyone!

Not if you do as I tell you.

Do what?

Put a scarf around your face,

pull your hat down
over your eyes.

You're entering
camp in disguise.

Disguised as who?

He's disguised as you.

Who? Who?

Adolph Hitler.

For the last time, Hogan,
I have heard no rumors,

I will listen to no rumors,

and I'm sure that there's
no foundation for any rumors.

Suit yourself, Commandant.

But if it happens,

you got some big
decisions to make.

Big decisions?

I'm completely loyal.

But if they knock off
Adolph, loyal to whom?

Hmm. No, I'm sure

the Führer's life
is in no danger.

I can assure you of
that, Hogan. Dismissed.

You know best, Commandant.

Oh, telephone.

Oh, Frau Hilda will
get it. Dismissed.

I better wait. It may be for me.

Hogan!

General Fenstermacher's

on the phone, Colonel Klink.

General Fenstermacher?

The head of the General Staff?

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

But why would he...?

General Fenstermacher,
how very nice to hear from you.

Listen, carefully, Klink.

I have no time for small talk.

The Führer's life is in danger.

The Führer's life?

Conspirators will act
within the next 24 hours.

Until the crisis is over, our
leader must have a refuge.

But, uh, General
Fenstermacher, don't you think

the Army could protect him?

Trust no one.

No one except you, Klink.

Me?

General Fenstermacher,
I want you

to thank the Führer
for this great honor,

but I'm sure that there
are many other people

who would be in a
much better position to...

Be quiet, Klink, and listen.

Of course, sir, definitely, yes.

We are close to you.

At exactly 3:17 this afternoon,
a staff car will enter your gate

bearing one man in disguise.

Do not approach him.

You don't mean the Führer?

Exactly.

Allow no one to approach him.

He will go to your quarters

where he will seal
himself in for 24 hours.

My quarters?

But, but, but, but my chairs
need new slipcovers, sir.

Be quiet, Klink!

So as there can be no doubt

to the authenticity
of this call,

the next voice you hear
will be of our Führer!

The Führer?

Klink!

Ja, ja, mein Führer.

You are the one man
in the entire Third Reich

that I trust!

Jawohl, mein Führer!

Oh, by the way,

when you come, sir, I
hope that I can show you

the workings of our
camp security system,

the mess hall, the
prisoner's laundry.

Do not come near me!

Hello?

Going to have a visitor?

Hogan, this is top top secret.

Now, if you breathe one
word about this to anyone,

I will have you shot!

No one must know.

No one except Burkhalter.

Why should Burkhalter know?

So he can send troops. What for?

Well, what if those guys come

looking for the Führer?

The ones that want
to knock him off?

I must have troops.

Frau Hilda!

No, you're right.

You can't trust
Burkhalter either.

I can't?

You buzzed, Herr Kommandant?

Frau Hilda...

Tell him the
prisoners are rioting.

Send a battalion.

Yes. Get Burkhalter
on the phone at once!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

I will, of course,
defend the Führer

with my life if necessary.

On the other hand, if the
conspiracy's organized,

they may have
overwhelming strength,

in which case, I...

Commandant,

wouldn't it be easier

if you people just had an
election every four years?

Hi, Schultz.

Colonel Hogan,

all prisoners are
confined to the barracks.

I know, Schultz.

What do you think it means?

It is not my place as a soldier

to question the
meaning of orders.

Right.

What do you think it means?

Guess who's coming.

Who? Who?

Oh, come on, Schultz, you know.

Why else would you have
orders not to look at him?

How do you know about my orders?

Want me to tell you?

No.

Better look the other way,
Schultz. Here he comes.

Is he inside yet, Schultz?

Yes, he's inside.

Too bad.

I wanted to ask him
how things were going

on the Russian front.

Did he go in?

You didn't watch
him, did you, Schultz?

Of course not, Herr Kommandant.

Now ask me. Hogan!

Schultz, what is
this man doing here?

I confined all prisoners
to the barracks.

Actually, I just

caught a glimpse of
him... good disguise.

I must say he looked
a little worried, though.

Why shouldn't he look worried?

These are trying times.

Particularly for him.

Who was it, Herr Kommandant?

It's none of your business.

However, he put his
trust in the right man, sir.

24 hours will be
over in no time at all,

and you got to make at
least general out of this.

Do you really think so, Hogan?

Oh, it's a cinch.

What's for dinner?

Hogan, I've got bigger problems

than worrying about your dinner.

His!

You mean, you didn't talk
to him about the menu?

Should I have?

You know how touchy
he is about food.

Oh, yes, yes.

What about soft
pillow-hard pillow?

All those things.

But he said no one

was to come near him.

Who?

Stay out of this.

Hogan, do you think
that he would object

if I talked to him
through the door?

Brilliant.

After you.

Your Excellency,

this is Commandant
Klink, at your service.

Uh, yeah, I... uh...

Are you all right,
Your Excellency?

Your Excellency?

I'm quite all right!

What are you
blabbering about, Klink?

Nothing, nothing,
Your Excellency.

I was just here to consult
about your menu and to...

I care nothing about the menu.

Nothing. Of course.

As long as it is the finest!

Of course, Your Excellency.

The finest.

The important thing is

send me a food tester.

They will seek to poison me.

Of course, Your Excellency.

I-I have one right here...

Uh, Sergeant Schultz.

He has great experience.

Me, Herr Kommandant?

No.

The prisoners will
seek to poison me.

Send me their senior
officer for my taster.

Immediately, Your Excellency.

He's right here.

Hogan, I hope you'll put in

a few good words
about my efficiency,

about my experience.

Klink, I think for dinner

we'll have pheasant under glass.

Yeah. Pheasant under...

Pheasant under...

Where am I going to find
pheasant under glass?

A general would
know where to find it.

A general.

You're right, Hogan.

Consider it done.

Schultz.

All right, let's get
him down below.

We got 24 hours to
make him into something

even his mother wouldn't
recognize. Change my features?!

It's the only way we're
gonna get you out of Germany.

Carter, you stay here.

Don't let anybody
through that door but me.

Am I expecting visitors?

Yeah, in about two
minutes, the Gestapo.

They will find me. Don't
worry, you're being protected

by the brave and loyal
Commandant Klink.

Which means?

Chum... you're in trouble.

Klink, do you deny that
within the last 15 minutes,

a man drove into Stalag
13, was admitted by you,

and was apparently
hidden by you?

"Deny" seems like
such a harsh word.

Let's just say, uh,

I was ordered not
to comment on it.

Then you are a party
to this conspiracy,

and you may consider
yourself under arrest!

Yes.

Now, while I've always
been most anxious

to cooperate with the Gestapo...

And, believe me, my
record is clear on that...

Yet, in this peculiar instance,

I... Oh, sorry Commandant.

Am I interrupting?
I can come back.

Who is this man?

Hogan, come in,
come in, come in.

Klink, I have just arrested you!

I know, Major
Hochstetter, I know,

and, and I respect
you for doing your duty,

but, uh, if I could
just have a moment

with, uh, Colonel Hogan.

What has a prisoner
to do with this?

Is he a part of the escape plot?

No one ever escapes
from Stalag 13, Major.

Right, Commandant? Right, Hogan.

And that includes you, Klink.

I will give you 30 seconds.

Thank you, Major.

Traffic ticket, Commandant?

Hogan, I must go,
and I must go now.

It is the Führer?

You heard his voice, didn't you?

Then if Hochstetter
and his men are here

under the pretense of
arresting another man,

a fictitious character
named Brauner,

they are actually...

Here to kill Hitler.

Yes.

What do you think I
should do, Hogan?

You're not planning
on selling him out?

Definitely not.

On the other hand,

my relations with the Gestapo

have always been
most proper, most...

He just arrested you.

Yes, I may have to
yield to superior force.

Superior force?
He's got ten men.

You just got a
battalion that arrived.

Yes.

What do you think I
should do, Hogan?

Arrest him.

Don't let him out of here.

Do it right now.
Yes, definitely.

Major Hochstetter,

now, while I deeply

admire your sincerity... Do it.

I regret I, uh,

cannot let you have
access to my guest.

You are defying me?!

"Defy" seems such a harsh term.

I would prefer...

I am notifying Berlin of this.

They will have you
drawn and quartered.

The Commandant
is not allowing you

to leave Stalag 13.

Who is this man?!

You are presuming to arrest me,

an officer of the Gestapo?!

Yes and no.

Why didn't you arrest him?

He seemed like
such a nice fellow.

Haven't got the
beard off yet, LeBeau?

No.

No!

It is my best feature.

You know, it'd
almost be a pleasure

to hand you over, Brauner.

We couldn't work
on you last night,

because we couldn't wake you up.

Then you refused to
stay down in the tunnel,

because you were
afraid of cave-ins.

Now we've got just a few
hours to get you ready,

and you want to
hang on to that muff.

I have a weak chin.

You're not gonna have a head!

Take it off, LeBeau.
Oui, Colonel.

Got all the
measurements, Newkirk?

Yes, sir.

Now, what's it gonna be,

uh, civilian suit, or
a uniform, or what?

How should I know?

Let's see what we can
make his face look like.

No plastic surgery!

Morning, Colonel. Heil Hitler!

Seig heil! Seig heil!

Just knock it off, will you?

Yeah, knock it off.

What's up, Adolf?

Well, we've been busy down
in the communications room.

The Gestapo in Berlin
is really blistering Klink.

Didn't get through
to him, did they?

Well, so far we've been
able to intercept everything,

but I don't know how
long we can keep it up.

Kinch is down on the phones now.

You better get over
to Klink's quarters.

It's time for His
Excellency's breakfast.

Oh, one more thing, Colonel.

Tiger's outside.

Why doesn't everybody come up?

What do we build tunnels for?

I'm sorry, but I
had to talk to you.

This is mad; it will never work.

Probably not, but
what choice did I have?

Klink will not hold up

under the Gestapo pressure,

and Hochstetter will not wait.

I'll have to go over
and jack him up

or at least try to.

Oh, and then you bring

all the Gestapo in
Germany down on us.

And then how will
you get him out?

Disguised as what?

I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Schultz, what a
marvelous surprise!

Colonel Hogan, I have
to take you to the quarters.

Time for breakfast.

Who is he?

Who is he?!

Sorry, Schultz, can't
tell you, top secret.

Colonel Hogan, I'm responsible

for what is going
on in the barracks!

I must know who this man is!

Puff up his cheeks a little bit,

little putty on the nose.

He's about the same build.

What do you think?

Who is she?!

You got an extra
uniform we could borrow?

Colonel Hogan,

I must know what you're doing!

Schultz, if I tell you,

you can either become
a tremendous hero... Or?

Shot.

I know nothing!

Nothing!

Do I understand you, Klink?

You are not only defying me,

you are defying Berlin?

Certainly not,
Major Hochstetter,

but I have received
no word from Berlin.

Then you are not only a traitor,

you are a liar!

Sir, as a German officer,

I should resent that.

But I don't.

I'm sure that, through
talking this out...

No more talk!

You will deliver
Brauner to me at once!

Ah. Brauner.

Now, if it really is
Brauner instead of...

Well, then it's my
duty to hand him over

for whatever
disposition is necessary,

so you see, Major,

you and I are both
on the same side.

Talk to you a minute,
Commandant?

Absolutely not.

But he wants
to talk to you, sir,

says it's an order.

He does?

Major Hochstetter?

There is no time, Klink.

Don't worry, Major.

I've made up my mind,

and whenever I make up my mind,

I never change it.

Almost never.

Your Excellency, I had no idea!

A promotion?

To Berlin?

You still have no idea, Klink.

Listen closely.

In my inner circle,
I can trust no one.

Himmler would double-
cross me like a shot,

Goebbels' eyes are
too close together,

and Gehring is too fat!

Never trust a fat man, Klink!

Never, Your Excellency.

Never trust a fat man.

And I am getting
tired of my burden.

There is no gratitude.

In a few weeks, I will
appoint a successor...

The one man in the whole
miserable Third Reich

who has proven
worthy of my trust!

You, Klink!

Your Excellency...

I shall try to be worthy of it.

Heil Hitler.

Hey, Klink, are you ready

to hand him over to me?

Major Hochstetter...

there is a new order
coming, a new order,

which will sweep vermin like you

into the delousing
station of history.

You are under arrest... Schultz.

You're mad, Klink!

Take him away.

He bought it, Colonel?
You were great.

I do a great impression
of Winston Churchill.

Someday we'll
need it desperately.

We got to move.

We can't stall any
more phone calls.

They're gonna get
through to Klink now,

and he won't know what hit him.

Well, what's the move,
Colonel? Get Brauner up here,

and pray that by now
he looks like Schultz.

Right.

Carter, get a uniform on Tiger.

Have her over in
front of this building

in a staff car in ten minutes.

Make her look like a
driver. Right, Colonel.

You think it'll work?

No, but I never do.

Reichsführer Heinrich
Himmler in person.

A-ha!

He's got his ear to the ground.

He knows already,
Fräulein Hilda.

My dear Himmler,

how very nice of
you to check in.

But, Herr Reichs
Führer, I was...

Your Excellency, the
Führer himself told me...

What?

The Führer is in Berchestgarten?

But how? Who?!

"Where is Major Hochstetter?"

Your Excellency,
just as a prank, I...

I just put him into...

Yes, Your Excellency,
it shall be done at once.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Heil Hitler.

When are we going
to Berlin, mein führer?

Forget it!

Major Hochstetter,
I can assure you

there will come a
time when we will both

look back on this and laugh.

Bah!

Brauner, come out!

You brought lunch?

Who is this?

What are you doing here?

Who are you?

Schultz, what's the
matter with you?!

He told me he
found the door open

and no one in
here, so he came in.

Brauner has escaped? Right.

Well, then why are
you sitting there?

Go out and sound the alarm.

Staff car and go look for him?

Take a staff car
and go look for him.

Yes, sir.

Schnell!

Oh, Major, such
men they send me.

It's no wonder... Brauner
will get nowhere, Klink.

My men have ringed this
camp with a band of steel.

We have merely to sit and wait.

Good idea.

Not you!

Sorry, Schultz, we had
to get your attention.

Attention?

Yeah, Klink sent us after you.

There's a bad riot on
the east side of camp.

But small, small.

And they are not armed.

Uh-huh.

Would you believe if I tell you

that I just saw myself?

No.

No.

No.

No.

Herr Kommandant,

the prison riot on the
east side of Stalag 13

has been completely

and finally crushed!

Schultz, what are
you talking about?

What prison riot?

I sent you after
Brauner in a staff car.

Brauner?

Staff car?

Who is Brauner?

Schultz!

I'm afraid, gentlemen,

the master of disguise
has given you the slip.

What are you talking about?

Brauner.

He very cleverly
disguised himself as Schultz

and left in a staff car.

That's why your men
didn't find him, Major.

Impossible! It could not happen.

Oh...

I did see myself.

When? Where?

I was coming in,

and he was going this way...

Then why didn't you stop him?

I saw... I saw...

nothing!

Nothing.

I will have your head for this.

When Berlin finds out
what has happened...

Better they didn't,
wouldn't it, Major?

After all, you were
in charge of the case.

Well, yes, but...

But what can I say?

Shot while escaping.

I like it.

I'm quite sure if you
don't press charges

against the commandant here,

he'll back you up all the way.

Oh, my complete cooperation.

But what if Brauner

turns up in England?

Still a good line...
"Shot while escaping."

Could apply to anyone...
You, Klink, anyone.

That's true.

Herr Kommandant,
what about the riot?

Oh, shut up! Shut up!

What did I say?

Now, Hogan, I want
to get the picture

really clearly in my mind.

Glad to help, sir.

You were the only
one who saw Brauner

before he disguised
himself as Schultz.

Right on the button, Commandant.

Yes, but...

but Schultz and the Führer

are quite different
in appearance.

Now, was Brauner really able

to convince you
that he was Hitler?

Well, let's put it this way...

He sure fooled me.

Amazing.

Absolutely amazing.

And the Führer's voice,

it was so real.

And I could see myself.

It was so real.

You'd make a great führer, sir.

Oh, no, no. You really would.