Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 23 - Everyone Has a Brother-in-Law - full transcript

CBS presents this
program in color.

I still don't know why

we couldn't just derail
that bloody munitions train.

Well, just derailing it might
not have enough impact

for us to set off the
stuff it's carrying.

Always ask an expert.

Yeah, if he's so
flipping clever,

how come he's in the war
along with the rest of us?

Well, everybody
else was going in,

so I said to myself, "Andrew,
you ought to get in..."

Carter.



Huh? Forget it.

I'm sorry I asked.

Five minutes.

We should be
hearing it anytime now.

We're ready. Well, let's go.

Hey, when the train blows up,

we can call the Krauts
and report an emergency.

They'd love that.

Choke on their
sauerbraten for sure.

LeBEAU: Come on, hurry, hurry.

I'm doing the best I can.

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

Boy, this is really
going to be a blowup.

Boy, it's going to go boom...



LeBEAU: Somebody coming.

Hey, it's that girl, Eva.

The sweetheart of
the Underground.

Hello, luv. Wie gehts?

What's happening?

The train is not coming tonight.

What?! Oh, charming.

Oh, no, that's terrible.

My father received
a radio message

from his contact in Dusseldorf.

The train is still in the yard.

We've got three
charges on that track.

They're all wired up.

They can't do this to us.

When will it move?

Couple of days, a week?

Thank you, Eva.

You better leave now.

It's a little bit
dangerous around here.

Ja. Auf Wiedersehen. Good-bye.

Oh, I-I will try to give you

a few days advance notice.

Thank you.

What do we do now,
disconnect everything?

No, it took too much trouble

putting it all in place.

We've got to hide it.

Where?

Dig the wire in
along the tracks.

What about this?

Well, we passed that
emergency phone back there.

Carter, do you think

you could wire the
terminals into it?

I don't know. I guess so.

'Course he can.

He can do anything.
He's an expert.

Thank you.

Well, this is as
good a place as any

to hide out, I guess.
Come on. Let's go.

Boy, looks like
that old choo-choo

isn't going to go
boom-boom after all.

Carter, must you

say things like that in wartime?

I still don't get it.

Why run the wires
into a telephone?

We had no choice, mon colonel.

It was either that

or take the charges
off the track.

Oh, great, and the first
Kraut that comes along

that wants to use the phone

picks up the receiver,
makes the connection

and blows up 200
yards of railroad.

Well, it is an emergency phone.

You can say that again.

Well, let's just hope

nobody tries to
use that telephone.

Oui. And when you
get a radio signal

that a train is moving,

we'll go out of camp
again and blow it up.

Just like that, out
of camp again.

You guys act like there's a
revolving door on that tunnel.

Well, how else can we do it?

Well, we've done the hard part.

Get the underground
to take over the job.

Forget it, Colonel.

Kinch just got this
from the underground

in Dusseldorf, relayed
through London.

Oh, great.

This is shaping up
into a great little mess.

The Gestapo is arresting
suspects in Dusseldorf.

Underground ordered
to stop all activity.

What about a munitions train?

They'll try and radio
us the schedule.

I suppose this means
we've got to go out again.

Not necessarily.

You could always stay
here and use a long fuse.

Right. Put your own name there,

and your partner's
underneath it.

All right. Thank you.

Good luck to you, son.

Come on. Next. Move along.

Name?

What's going on here?

Schultz, you in a
jitterbug contest?

Who said that I...

It's impossible.

We'd never get
you off the ground.

You're a jolly joker.

Hey, unless you want
to go into training for it.

You know, get off
some of the old lard, eh?

Who gave you permission

to use the recreation hall?

You did.

When?!

Right after I gave you those
ten cigarettes, remember?

It comes back to me slowly,

but, uh, wasn't
it 15 cigarettes?

It was 12.12, I think, now
that you come to mention it.

13?

13 it is.

You got a marvelous
memory, Schultz.

It is getting better
every minute.

And haben Sie ein light, bitte?

Yeah.

You know, Schultz,

there's a lot of
the Scrooge in you.

Danke.

Danke.

Hello, we got company.

Ah, General Burkhalter,
it's been such a long time.

Not long enough, Klink.

This is Captain Kurtz.

I better tell Colonel Hogan.

Watch the store a bit, will you?

Naughty...

Come on, move along, you lot.

Now, with all due respect to
the Captain Kurtz, General,

I'm not in need of an adjutant.

The captain is a very able man.

Oh, I am sure that he is,

but that doesn't
change my feelings.

And he's also my brother-in-law.

Oh, your brother-in-law.

By marriage?

Yes, that's the usual way.

How do you feel
about it now, Klink?

Much better.

Hard to imagine
Burkhalter with a family.

Hard to imagine
Burkhalter, period.

We don't need another
Kraut officer, do we, Colonel?

Neither does Klink.

I am looking forward

to being under your
command, Herr Colonel.

Really.

Yes, Hansie has told
me so much about you.

Hansie?

That's me.

"General" to you.

Oh, "Hansie." Oh, I think
that's a delightful name.

And to you, too!

Especially you.

Jawohl, Herr General.

The captain has been

on the Russian front,

but things are
going so well there,

I arranged for his transfer.

But I understood that there was

a shortage of officers
at the Russian front.

There is, but my wife

doesn't want the shortage
to catch up with him.

I see.

Captain, I think
that you will find life

at the Luftstalag
quite different.

Oh, yes, sir, but I'm
sure I can learn from you,

if you are willing to teach me.

You needn't worry
that he might eventually

take over your command.

Of course not, Herr General.

Only a fool would worry
about a thing like that.

That's what I mean.

I have no plans to
replace you, Klink.

Thank you,

Herr General.

Welcome Adjuant Kurtz,

to the top POW camp
in all of Germany.

Thank you, Commandant.

I will try my best
to keep it that way.

Uh, Sergeant Schultz will
show you to your quarters.

Danke. Colonel, Herr General.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

Well, he seems harmless enou...

I mean, uh, pleasant enough.

So far, so good.

Oh, I'm sure it is,
but Herr General,

I really am not in
need of another officer.

Klink, his transfer is an order

from the highest
authority in the Third Reich.

The highest?

The Fuhrer?

Higher than that.

My wife.

Sergeant, put
this man on report.

Jawohl, Herr Colonel.

On what charge?

He needs a shave.

I need a shave?!

That's a joke. He needs
a shave. Marvelous.

There's nothing in
the Geneva Convention

that says a prisoner
has to shave.

There is now, Colonel.

Excellent.

From now on, all prisoners
will look presentable

at morning roll call.

Sorry, Captain, LeBeau
can't look presentable.

Und why not?!

Because he's a mess the
first thing in the morning.

Silence!

Since you think Colonel
Hogan is so funny,

I have another
little joke for you.

All privileges
revoked for ten days!

Dismissed.

Oh, that's extremely funny.

Dismissed! Back to the barracks!

Now, you... What?

You shave.

Oh, I'm not going to shave.

You want me to be in trouble?!

Achtzehn, neunzehn, zwanzig.

Herr Captain, all present.

Very good, Sergeant.

What's going on?

The Captain ordered
a surprise roll call.

Fortunately, all your
men are present.

Good night, Colonel.

I got news for you.

That character is not
one of my favorite Krauts.

Yeah, well, if he keeps this
up, he's going to get me mad.

Oh, really?

Then what happens?

I don't know.

I've never been mad.

Good luck, then.

Next. Name.

Andrew Carter and Louis LeBeau.

Carter, what are you doing here?

You can't even dance.

Well, that's where you're wrong.

I've been studying with LeBeau.

Any good?

I don't know.

Schultz keeps cutting in.

Oh, guten Tag, Captain.

Uh, care for one of
our tickets to the dance?

All welcome, even Germans.

That's very decent of you.

If there was more
dancing in the world,

there would be less war.

That's what my old
mum used to say.

She was a beautiful
dancer right up to the end.

Who gave you permission
to run this dance?

Uh, would you care to be
one of our judges, Captain?

The commandant?

That's an excellent
suggestion...

You and the
commandant, our judges...

Both very fair-minded men.

Once more, I ask you.

I did, Herr Captain.

Uh, for morale purposes, sir.

You see, look, the
dance is on Friday night.

That's the loneliest
night of the week.

It used to be Saturday,
but they changed it.

Sergeant, you have
exceeded your authority.

Place yourself on report.

Jawohl, Herr Captain.

The dance is off.

Take that thing down.

I'd like to sort him out.

If that means
homicide, I'm with you.

What's he bucking for, Colonel?

Can't be Monster of the Year.

He's already won that.

And Captain Kurtz,
our new adjutant,

has what I call a brilliant idea

for quick identification
of all prisoners.

Now, these pictures were made
from your personnel records,

and from now on, each
prisoner will be required

to wear his photograph
prominently displayed

on his uniform at all times.

Only if you wear
yours all the time!

We're not gonna wear that.

Silence!

Thank you, Colonel.

Sergeant, distribute
the pictures.

Jawohl, Herr Captain.

Sir,

may I keep mine in my pocket?

In your pocket?

I-I take a terrible picture.

Achtung!

I warn you, anyone caught
without his identification

will be subject to
severe punishment.

Can I have mine redone?

This is not my good side.

All privileges revoked
another ten days.

Commandant,

these men are prisoners
of war, not criminals.

I protest.

Naturally.

Captain Kurtz is
demoralizing Stalag 13.

I am only interested
in one thing,

and that is maintaining
our no escape record.

All disciplinary measures
have been taken

with the approval of
my superior officer.

That's me.

Are you letting this arrogant,

stupid birdbrain run this camp?

Are you insulting my adjutant?

Doing the best I can.

We have nothing further
to say to each other.

Yes, we have.

Order him to take
the pressure off,

or I promise you, there's
gonna be an escape.

You are threatening
the commandant!

Take it any way you like.

Thank you, Hogan, for
giving us fair warning.

Captain. Jawohl,
Herr Kommandant.

Double the sentries.

Order day and night
patrols into the woods

around the camp.

As of now, we're
on 24-hour alert.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant,

and may I say, sir,
that is a brilliant move.

You would.

You may say so, sir.

Brilliant.

How was I to know
they'd react that way?

Ah, they really got
us boxed in now.

We may get a message

to blow up that
train any minute now.

Yeah, and we
can't get out of camp

to do the job.

Why don't we blow
up Kurtz instead?

First decent idea
I've heard today.

Carter, if you leave
that door unlatched,

anything's liable
to crawl in here.

What is it now, Kurtz?

Why don't you just move in here?

Save yourself a lot of time.

Colonel, I would like a
word with you, privately.

All right.

Here.

Very cozy.

Glad you like it.

I was thinking of having it
done over in Chinese modern.

Very good.

You Americans.

What do you want, Kurtz?

Colonel, I have
the distinct feeling

that you don't like me.

Whatever gave you that idea?

I admit I've been very
strict with your men.

Well, the important thing
is, are you having fun?

I'm really not so bad, you know.

You could fool me.

Hogan, it has been necessary

for me to try to impress Klink

and Burkhalter or be sent back

to the Russian front,

and let me speak
quite frankly, Hogan.

I believe Germany is
losing the war in Russia.

Fine. How do we lose you?

If that happens, I do not
want to be on the losing side.

I need a friend
among the winners.

You're certainly
going about it cleverly.

How can I prove to you,
Hogan, I mean what I say?

Well...

No, you'd never do it.

Do what?

Nah, forget it.

Nobody drops dead
just to prove a point.

Hogan, how would
you like to escape?

I can arrange it.

You mean it?

You're laying it on the line?

Try me.

I can't escape.

I'm in command,

but one of my men
was planning a little trip

before Klink
tightened up security.

Is he ready?

Could be.

Tomorrow night?

Good.

Between guard towers 4 and 5.

I assure you, he
will have a clear path.

What assurance do we have,

you don't double-cross us?

My word of honor.

You don't know it, Kurtz.

You're a funny man.

Oh, what did he do?

Kurtz has fixed it

for one of you to
escape tomorrow night.

Newkirk?

Yes, sir.

I need a volunteer.

Well, sir, the, uh...

The woods are
crawling with Krauts.

You know, they're ready to
shoot at anything, and, uh...

Well, to tell you the truth,

I don't fancy using the
tunnel at this particular time.

You don't have
to use the tunnel.

Kurtz has arranged it so
you go through the wire.

Kurtz? Can we trust him?

We'll find out tomorrow night.

I'll find out tomorrow night?

Charming.

You volunteered.

Well, legally, you got me there.

That's right. That's right.

Did I ask either of you?

Kamerad! Kamerad!

You are under arrest!

Uh, yes, sir.

Well, as you can see,

my hands are in the
basic Kamerad position.

You have walked through a trap

which will now close
around you for 30 days.

It seems very logical, sir,

under the circumstances.

Take him away.

Good work, Captain.

Thank you, Colonel.

It was kind of you to supervise.

You may call on me any time.

Big double-cross
with your name on it.

Hogan, I had no choice.

I had to arrest him.

You expect me to believe that?

When I ordered the
guards away from the wire,

one of them
reported it to Klink.

He asked questions.

I had to tell him the
truth, or at least part of it.

Why didn't you get word to me?

We could have called it off.

Klink watched me every minute.

One of my men is in the cooler.

I want him out.

I will arrange it, Hogan,

as soon as possible.

Hogan...

Hogan, you must believe me.

I did not lie to you.

Of course you didn't.

Why would I want
to go to all this trouble

just to trap one of your men?

Are you kidding?
It's a game with you.

You misjudge me, Hogan.

Like everyone else, I
want to get out of this war.

You are my chance.

Well, I can't help you.

I believe you can.

How?

I'm a prisoner of war.

You are also the senior officer.

You must have connections.

Possibly even outside Stalag 13?

Well, I don't.

So forget it.

Look, I want to get some sleep.

Maybe I'll get lucky
and dream of a world

without guys like you in it.

"Train leaves Dusseldorf
1900 hours tomorrow.

Good luck."

Yes, that's what we need,
good luck, and also a miracle.

1900 hours.

That means it gets
to the right spot,

uh, four hours and
15 minutes later.

Well, we can't
get out, so forget it.

Kurtz thinks I've
got connections

outside of Stalag 13.

Well, I have.

Two very important connections

that lead straight
into a telephone.

Who are these people, Hogan?

The underground?

Just people, plain
ordinary people.

Look, you get too nosy,
the deal's off, Kurtz.

Why must I meet them?

Because they control the means

for getting you out
of the war to England.

There is such an
organization here in Germany?

There you go asking
questions again.

Well, I...

Look, Kurtz, I'll lay it out
for you just one more time.

We leave camp tomorrow night

alone, just the two of us.

We meet them at
a rendezvous point.

They look you over.

Then they decide the next step.

That's up to them.

Now take it or leave it.

Hogan, what assurances do I have

this is not a trap to kill me?

Captain Kurtz,

who'd want to knock
off a nice guy like you?

An underground organization?

Impossible.

I believe it does
exist, Herr Colonel.

And you mean, Hogan
will lead us to them?

Exactly.

Amazing how you
grasp things, sir.

Experience, Captain.

Experience.

So, we're going

to catch the
underground organization

and the great Hogan himself?!

May I suggest,

you have a squad
of men ready to fire?

I will signal by flare
when I make contact.

Wouldn't that be dangerous?

You think you could
handle the situation alone?

Sir, my bravery is inspired
by my commanding officer.

Thank you, Captain Kurtz.

I, uh, daresay that you
and I make a great team.

Me, sitting here
supplying the inspiration.

You, out there in the field.

Thank you, sir.

Good luck to you, Captain.

Almost one hour, Hogan.

Where are your people?

Instructions were to
pick up that telephone in...

five minutes.

They'll know the coast is clear.

They'll be here.

Who are they?

Still in there
trying, huh, Kurtz?

Almost time, Hogan.

All right, I'll make the call.

Don't touch that phone, Hogan.

Now the trap is set.

Trap?

Don't you want to leave Germany?

Nonsense.

I am a loyal officer
of the Third Reich.

My place is here,

dealing with the
enemy, like you.

Kurtz, I guess I had
you figured wrong, huh?

Mmm.

Now I will use that phone.

When your underground
organization comes,

they will find a warm welcome

from Colonel Klink and his men.

Okay, Kurtz, you win.

You want to make
the call... go ahead.

All right, Kurtz, on your feet.

Hogan, what happened?

You, my friend, just blew
up a ten-car munitions train

headed for the Eastern front.

No.

Kurtz, the next
time you make a call,

the least you can
do is use a nickel.

And he was using me as bait

to try to catch this
underground organization.

Well, he found this
wire that was connected

to some explosive
charges on the track.

He followed it and tried to
disconnect it in time, but...

he didn't make it.

So, he was blown
up with the train.

Afraid so, General.

A great tragedy.

It's hard to believe
that he's gone.

Right. He wasn't a bad guy.

At least my wife will know

her brother died a hero's death.

Germany has suffered a loss.

Klink, you were his
commanding officer.

Write him up for an Iron Cross.

I will see that it is approved.

Yes, Herr General.

You hear that, tiger?

You're a hero.

An alive, dead hero.

Now I suppose you will kill me.

No, I'm afraid we do things

a little differently
on our side.

Unfortunately.

Tonight, the underground

will start you on
your way to England.

You'll sit out the
war in a POW camp.

Bon voyage, General.

And oh, Kurtz, don't forget

to keep in touch, will you?

I'm saving a punch
in the nose for you

till after the war, just
for old times' sake.