Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 9 - Go Light on the Heavy Water - full transcript
Hogan convinces Kommandant Klink that the heavy water being stored at Stalag 13 is a youth potion.
CBS presents this
program in color.
Sergeant!
Yes, my Captain. Come here.
Give me the map.
The bombing is much
too heavy to continue.
Shall we take cover here?
Dummkopf!
With what we are carrying?
Do you realize what
will happen to us
if we do not deliver this
cargo to Berlin safely?
The Russian front.
Ja. We will be just in
time for the winter sports.
A-ha... we are only
a few minutes away
from a prisoner of war camp.
That is where we will go.
Will our cargo be
safe there, Captain?
The Allies would never
bomb their own men.
Stalag l3... the toughest
POW camp in all of Germany.
What if Commandant
Klink catches us?
Prisoners are allowed one
hour of recreation a day.
I missed the volleyball game.
Mmm, you smell good.
The boys whipped
up a little after shave.
It's very exciting.
It's called
Unconditional Surrender.
May I ask what is going on here?
She was blocking the door, sir.
Well, I told him that
you were busy, Colonel.
Fraulein Helga is just doing
her duty like any German soldier,
a highly-trained machine.
Must be tough getting spare
parts for that machine, huh?
You may go now.
Thank you, sir.
You wanted to see me, sir?
I did.
Now, any further demonstrations
by your men during an air raid
will bring immediate
disciplinary action.
Do I make myself clear,
Colonel Hogan?
You keep telling us
you're winning the war.
Can't blame the fellows
for wanting to
celebrate a little raid.
There is nothing to celebrate.
No damage was done.
And your bombers
suffered severe losses
at the hands of our
illustrious Luftwaffe.
Come in.
Herr Kommandant,
this is Captain Mueller.
He hardly escaped
a terrible raid.
That raid was a
complete failure.
No, Herr Kommandant.
They knocked the stuffing out
of the Messerschmidt factory
and got away from the Luftwaffe.
Illustrious Luftwaffe.
Illustrious Luft...
Schultz!
I have a very urgent matter
to discuss with you, Colonel.
Of course, Captain. What is it?
I believe he means me.
The Captain is on his way
to Berlin with very important...
Sergeant! Schultz!
Come on, Schultz,
let's get out of here.
We know when we're not wanted.
You are dismissed.
Now, Captain Mueller,
what can I do for you?
We are on our way to Berlin
with an important
cargo from Norway.
What is this cargo?
It is a highly-secret project.
Even my men do not
know what is in the truck.
Let us simply say it is water.
Water?
Very clever, Captain.
Hot water.
I wonder, what could
they have in that truck
that's so important.
Maybe it's a new type of gun.
I don't think so.
It's too small a
truck for a bomb.
Can't be that.
Think it might be a rocket?
No, they'd ship that
in a special vehicle.
Maybe it's a beautiful spy
like Mata Hari.
Hey, Schultz!
Colonel Hogan, I
have a favor to ask.
Sure, what can we
do for you, Schultz?
Could I have some of
the after-shave lotion?
Any time at all, Schultz.
Don't go to strangers.
Thank you, Colonel.
But, first... you
can do us a favor.
What? What? What? What? What?
What's in that truck?
A barrel of water.
Come on, Schultz.
You don't expect
us to believe that.
I swear to you,
I tell the truth.
It's a big secret.
The driver told me.
It's a barrel of water shipped
from Norway to Berlin.
You mean to say
they've got all those men
guarding a barrel of water?
Yes.
You know, Schultz,
if they had that many troops
at the Battle of the Marne,
you people wouldn't have
lost the First World War.
M-m-m-m-m!
Oh-b-b-b-b!
You believe him, Colonel?
Schultz, yes. The driver, no.
Halt!
It's okay, Sergeant.
Colonel Klink told
us to put this sign up.
What sign?
No smoking... smoking verboten.
See, with a barrel of
nitroglycerin we can't be
too careful. Nitroglycerine?
That's water.
Yeah, sure, sure.
We always put a 24-hour guard
around a barrel of water, huh?
Put up the sign.
Okay, now we
can all sleep better.
Afternoon, mate.
How are you? All right?
Nein!
Oh, no, must be half
past 10:00 by now at least.
"No smoking."
Oh, no, nicht sprechen Sie...
What are you doing?
Guard! Guard!
Hey, hey, let me go, will you?
What's the matter with you?
Colonel Hogan!
Just for smoking a cigarette?
Hey, put me down, put me down
I shall report the lot of
you to Colonel Hogan.
Hey, would you...
Hey, get away...
What's the matter with you?
All I was doing was
having this smoke...
Hey, let go of my
hand, will you?
Colonel Hogan!
Colonel Hogan! Colonel...
Look, this is not the
last you've heard...
You can't have a smoke
in a camp like this?
I shall report the lot of
you to the Red Cross.
What's going on here?
Take your hands
off that soldier.
He was trying to smoke.
Can't you English read English?
"No smoking."
Begging the Colonel's pardon.
I-I didn't see the sign, sir.
All right, we'll
let it go this time.
Nice going, Sergeant.
Good to see you on your toes.
May I ask what is going on here?
Commandant, this
man was smoking.
Are you out of your mind?
I'll have you
court-martialed for this!
But, Colonel Klink, this sign
was posted by your order.
Sign, sign, what sign?
Who put up the sign?
Well, I took the liberty.
I anticipated your
order, Colonel.
You put up the sign?
Yeah, I mean, what if
somebody lit a match
around that barrel
of nitroglycerin?
There is no nitroglycerin.
Nitro-gelatin. No.
T.N.T. No. Rocket fuel?
No, no, no, no.
This is water.
Okay.
But if we all blow up tonight,
I'm never going to
speak to you again.
Sergeant, post the guards.
Ja, Colonel.
The driver says it's water.
Schultz says it's water.
Now Klink says it's water.
What do you
think it is, Colonel?
With those three
men of integrity,
I know one thing.
What? It ain't water.
Well, Carter, what is it?
Well, it's odorless
and colorless.
You don't need to be
a chemist to know that.
There's only one thing to do.
Someone's going
to have to drink it.
Newkirk?
Well, I'd love to, you see,
but I've got nine
brothers and sisters.
They're all dependent on me.
My old man hasn't
worked for years.
And my granny, she's
got the gout, you know.
Here, Scotty, you're a bachelor.
No, thanks. I don't drink.
All right.
We need a volunteer.
Thanks, Carter.
We'll write a very nice letter
to your family.
Cheers.
You know what this is?
What?
It's water.
Water, well, that's what
they've been saying.
It couldn't be water!
You're going to get the Nobel...
Hey, Colonel, I got
the sub on the radio.
Okay, Kinch!
This is Goldilocks,
come in Mama Bear,
come in Mama Bear.
We read you, Goldilocks.
Go ahead.
Big Bad Wolf has
hot barrel of water.
Barrel of water?
At your house now?
Roger, on way to Adolf's village
from Viking's village.
Viking's village?
Norway.
That's heavy water
for nuclear experiments.
Destroy Big Bad
Wolf's water at all costs.
Repeat, destroy. Over.
Wilco and out.
I was right.
Outside of Captain Mueller,
we're the only ones that
know what's in that truck.
We've got to get
rid of that barrel,
or we're going to be over it.
Good afternoon, Colonel Hogan.
I have to see Klink.
I won't let you in
until you kiss me.
The things I have
to do for my country.
Well, here we are again.
She keeps blocking the door.
She's a regular tiger.
Well, he won't take
no for an answer.
Well, what was the question?
I came to see you.
Fraulein Helga, you may go now,
and keep up the good work.
Colonel Hogan, what did
you want to see me about?
Please sit down, sit down.
I came to apologize
about the water.
Ah, that is most
admirable of you, Colonel.
I just couldn't believe the
German High Command
would take the time
to get water from a spa.
A spa!
Come on, you don't have to
play games with me, Colonel.
LeBeau told me all about
that great place in Norway
where the water comes from.
He did?
The French call it
"La Fontaine de la Jeunesse",
the Fountain of Youth.
Yes, of course.
Mm-hmm. Louis XVI
and Marie Antoinette
used to go there
to drink the water.
I don't have to tell
you what happened
to those two crazy
mixed-up kids, huh?
You mean they went to
Norway for that water?
Well, actually, Louis
was losing his hair,
but after drinking the water,
he had to add an extra barber on
at the palace. Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
It's a shame that
stuff's going to Berlin
for Goering and that crowd.
The guys at the front
never get any of the goodies.
Yes, almost everything
is going to Berlin first.
They get all the liquor,
all the girls, all the food.
And now, all the hair.
Yeah, the job you're doing,
they ought to send you a barrel.
Ah!
Sergeant, just checking
on the barrel of water,
to make sure that
everything is secure.
Ja, Herr Colonel.
There he goes.
Colonel Klink.
Yes, Sergeant?
Is everything secure?
Everything is secure.
You are doing an
excellent job, Sergeant.
Thank you, Colonel.
Whoever said you can
lead a horse to water
but you can't make him drink?
Ah, Fraulein Helga,
take some dictation, please.
Now, the first letter is going
to Colonel Oscar Pfefferman,
commanding officer of the...
what's the matter,
Fraulein Helga?
Colonel, somehow
you look different today.
I do?
You look younger.
I do?
And... the way you walk.
You have such a youthful
spring in your step.
You know something?
I am beginning to
feel a lot better today.
What's the matter?
Sir, I think there's
some dandruff.
Dandruff?
Have you been using
some sort of hair tonic?
Hair tonic? No, no.
Come in.
Colonel... Klink?
We will finish that letter
later, Fraulein Helga.
Here's the... the
list of our requests
from the Red
Cross for this month.
Thank you.
What's the matter?
I-I don't, I don't know.
Somehow, there's
something different about you.
Different?
Yeah. I can't put
my finger on it.
Maybe my walk is a
little springier, huh?
Yeah, yeah? I don't know.
A little more youthful?
Yeah, yeah, that... that, too.
I had dandruff today.
I don't believe it.
You're actually
growing... wait a minute.
Did you get to
that water barrel?
Colonel Hogan, I am a soldier.
If that water goes to
Berlin, it goes to Berlin.
Shame.
A barrel of that stuff,
and you'd be a
bushy-haired kid again.
Ah, good evening, Sergeant.
Jawohl, Herr Commandant.
Good evening.
I, uh, want you to give
me a hand with this barrel.
And what are we going to do
with it, Herr Commandant?
We are going to
take it to my office
and then we're
going to replace it
with another barrel of water.
But it is supposed to go to
Berlin, Herr Commandant.
Now, that will be
just between you
and me, Sergeant.
I don't know. I don't know.
Obersergeant.
Obersergeant. Thank you.
Thank you. Herr Commandant.
Schultz, we must be fast.
Yeah.
Schultz.
Take a look at it first.
Did you know that this water
comes from Norway?
The fountain of youth?
No.
Did you notice a
spring in my walk?
A little dandruff
on the shoulder?
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Of course, Herr Commandant.
Just last night,
I said to my wife
how wonderful you look.
It's the water.
Schultz, have a little drink.
Ah. Ja, I feel it.
Oh, it is wunderbar.
Have another one.
Sergeant Schultz!
Ah, Captain Mueller.
Colonel Klink.
What were you doing?
Uh... I was just checking up
on our valuable cargo.
Dismissed, Schultz.
Jawohl, Herr Commandant.
By the way, I found
out about that water.
You did?
From whom?
Colonel Hogan.
He knows?
The Frenchman told him.
How did the Frenchman find out?
Did you know that
Marie Antoinette
and Louis XVI used
to go to that spa
in Norway for the same water?
Oh, it does wonders for you.
Colonel Klink,
somebody is
making a fool of you.
What do you mean?
I suppose you must know
now, but this is top secret.
This water is for use
in nuclear experiments.
It is known as heavy water.
I drank some of that water.
Will I die from it?
Only if Berlin finds out.
Boy, what a shame that Captain
caught Klink in
the water barrel.
Well, what do we
do now, Colonel?
That truck leaves tomorrow,
and the barrel can't be on it.
Hey, let's make a hand grenade
and toss it in the
truck from the window.
Good.
Very good, very good.
Then they line us all up
in front of the firing squad.
Hey, how about a
diversionary tactic?
Give us a chance
to grab the barrel.
That's good thinking, Kinch,
but just taking the
barrel won't be enough.
We gotta...
I got it.
Carter, get me carpenters.
Newkirk, alert the
arson squad. Right.
Kinch, bring me the
cabinetmaker Right.
And Scotty, bring the
petty theft man here.
That's me.
Well, be here.
Colonel, what are we doing?
We're going into the
water-barrel business.
All right, that's enough
water in the barrel.
Carter and Newkirk are
almost at Klink's office.
Got exactly one minute.
Stand by with the
barrel, and good luck.
Right.
What is going on?
Fire! Fire!
Fire! Fire!
Fire!
I smell smoke. Fire! Fire!
We'd better get
this truck out of here.
We cannot move the truck.
You know what's
going to happen to you
if this truck burns
with that barrel in it?
You're right. We'd
better move the truck.
I'll get the truck out of here.
Halt! I will drive the truck.
All right, have it your way.
Fire! What is going on here?
Fire! Fire! Fire!
Back up!
Slow! Slow!
All right, cut! Cut! Cut!
A little more.
Back up. Back it up.
Fire! Help, fire! Fire!
Fire! Fire!
Colonel Klink, come
over to the window.
Get a hose!
A fire hose!
Nice of the boys to
dampen you down, sir.
Get a ladder!
There isn't time.
Jump into the blanket.
We'll save you, Colonel.
You won't catch me.
We give you our word
as enemy prisoners.
Get some of my guards!
They're all busy, Klink.
You better jump.
All right. I'll jump,
but you better catch me.
Oh, he's not gonna jump.
Oh, come on, Colonel, up.
Are you all right, sir?
Never. I should never
have trusted them.
It's your own fault.
They gave you two chances.
The truck, is it safe?
Yes, and we have Colonel Hogan
to thank for that.
Colonel Hogan?
Well, I knew that
barrel of water
was pretty important
to you fellows.
You may have done a service
to your country, Colonel Hogan.
Because of you, the
war may be shortened.
I wouldn't be at
all surprised, sir.
Fraulein Helga,
please file these...
I told her you wanted to see me.
But he's always trying
to break into your office.
The use of judo
on a prisoner of war
is against the
Geneva Conference.
Fraulein Helga, you may
let him go. Good work.
Thank you.
Colonel Hogan, come in.
Colonel Hogan,
I just want to tell you,
you didn't fool
me for one minute
with that story about the water.
I didn't try to fool you.
I deliberately went
along with your little joke
so you would think it was
spring water from Norway.
You mean it wasn't?
It was heavy water to be
used for a new type of bomb
that will bring the
Allies to their knees.
You mean...?
You don't rise
to the rank of colonel
because you're easily fooled.
If you don't mind, I'd
rather not stand here
while you gloat
about your victories.
Dismissed.
What's the matter?
You know, maybe that
heavy water does grow hair.
program in color.
Sergeant!
Yes, my Captain. Come here.
Give me the map.
The bombing is much
too heavy to continue.
Shall we take cover here?
Dummkopf!
With what we are carrying?
Do you realize what
will happen to us
if we do not deliver this
cargo to Berlin safely?
The Russian front.
Ja. We will be just in
time for the winter sports.
A-ha... we are only
a few minutes away
from a prisoner of war camp.
That is where we will go.
Will our cargo be
safe there, Captain?
The Allies would never
bomb their own men.
Stalag l3... the toughest
POW camp in all of Germany.
What if Commandant
Klink catches us?
Prisoners are allowed one
hour of recreation a day.
I missed the volleyball game.
Mmm, you smell good.
The boys whipped
up a little after shave.
It's very exciting.
It's called
Unconditional Surrender.
May I ask what is going on here?
She was blocking the door, sir.
Well, I told him that
you were busy, Colonel.
Fraulein Helga is just doing
her duty like any German soldier,
a highly-trained machine.
Must be tough getting spare
parts for that machine, huh?
You may go now.
Thank you, sir.
You wanted to see me, sir?
I did.
Now, any further demonstrations
by your men during an air raid
will bring immediate
disciplinary action.
Do I make myself clear,
Colonel Hogan?
You keep telling us
you're winning the war.
Can't blame the fellows
for wanting to
celebrate a little raid.
There is nothing to celebrate.
No damage was done.
And your bombers
suffered severe losses
at the hands of our
illustrious Luftwaffe.
Come in.
Herr Kommandant,
this is Captain Mueller.
He hardly escaped
a terrible raid.
That raid was a
complete failure.
No, Herr Kommandant.
They knocked the stuffing out
of the Messerschmidt factory
and got away from the Luftwaffe.
Illustrious Luftwaffe.
Illustrious Luft...
Schultz!
I have a very urgent matter
to discuss with you, Colonel.
Of course, Captain. What is it?
I believe he means me.
The Captain is on his way
to Berlin with very important...
Sergeant! Schultz!
Come on, Schultz,
let's get out of here.
We know when we're not wanted.
You are dismissed.
Now, Captain Mueller,
what can I do for you?
We are on our way to Berlin
with an important
cargo from Norway.
What is this cargo?
It is a highly-secret project.
Even my men do not
know what is in the truck.
Let us simply say it is water.
Water?
Very clever, Captain.
Hot water.
I wonder, what could
they have in that truck
that's so important.
Maybe it's a new type of gun.
I don't think so.
It's too small a
truck for a bomb.
Can't be that.
Think it might be a rocket?
No, they'd ship that
in a special vehicle.
Maybe it's a beautiful spy
like Mata Hari.
Hey, Schultz!
Colonel Hogan, I
have a favor to ask.
Sure, what can we
do for you, Schultz?
Could I have some of
the after-shave lotion?
Any time at all, Schultz.
Don't go to strangers.
Thank you, Colonel.
But, first... you
can do us a favor.
What? What? What? What? What?
What's in that truck?
A barrel of water.
Come on, Schultz.
You don't expect
us to believe that.
I swear to you,
I tell the truth.
It's a big secret.
The driver told me.
It's a barrel of water shipped
from Norway to Berlin.
You mean to say
they've got all those men
guarding a barrel of water?
Yes.
You know, Schultz,
if they had that many troops
at the Battle of the Marne,
you people wouldn't have
lost the First World War.
M-m-m-m-m!
Oh-b-b-b-b!
You believe him, Colonel?
Schultz, yes. The driver, no.
Halt!
It's okay, Sergeant.
Colonel Klink told
us to put this sign up.
What sign?
No smoking... smoking verboten.
See, with a barrel of
nitroglycerin we can't be
too careful. Nitroglycerine?
That's water.
Yeah, sure, sure.
We always put a 24-hour guard
around a barrel of water, huh?
Put up the sign.
Okay, now we
can all sleep better.
Afternoon, mate.
How are you? All right?
Nein!
Oh, no, must be half
past 10:00 by now at least.
"No smoking."
Oh, no, nicht sprechen Sie...
What are you doing?
Guard! Guard!
Hey, hey, let me go, will you?
What's the matter with you?
Colonel Hogan!
Just for smoking a cigarette?
Hey, put me down, put me down
I shall report the lot of
you to Colonel Hogan.
Hey, would you...
Hey, get away...
What's the matter with you?
All I was doing was
having this smoke...
Hey, let go of my
hand, will you?
Colonel Hogan!
Colonel Hogan! Colonel...
Look, this is not the
last you've heard...
You can't have a smoke
in a camp like this?
I shall report the lot of
you to the Red Cross.
What's going on here?
Take your hands
off that soldier.
He was trying to smoke.
Can't you English read English?
"No smoking."
Begging the Colonel's pardon.
I-I didn't see the sign, sir.
All right, we'll
let it go this time.
Nice going, Sergeant.
Good to see you on your toes.
May I ask what is going on here?
Commandant, this
man was smoking.
Are you out of your mind?
I'll have you
court-martialed for this!
But, Colonel Klink, this sign
was posted by your order.
Sign, sign, what sign?
Who put up the sign?
Well, I took the liberty.
I anticipated your
order, Colonel.
You put up the sign?
Yeah, I mean, what if
somebody lit a match
around that barrel
of nitroglycerin?
There is no nitroglycerin.
Nitro-gelatin. No.
T.N.T. No. Rocket fuel?
No, no, no, no.
This is water.
Okay.
But if we all blow up tonight,
I'm never going to
speak to you again.
Sergeant, post the guards.
Ja, Colonel.
The driver says it's water.
Schultz says it's water.
Now Klink says it's water.
What do you
think it is, Colonel?
With those three
men of integrity,
I know one thing.
What? It ain't water.
Well, Carter, what is it?
Well, it's odorless
and colorless.
You don't need to be
a chemist to know that.
There's only one thing to do.
Someone's going
to have to drink it.
Newkirk?
Well, I'd love to, you see,
but I've got nine
brothers and sisters.
They're all dependent on me.
My old man hasn't
worked for years.
And my granny, she's
got the gout, you know.
Here, Scotty, you're a bachelor.
No, thanks. I don't drink.
All right.
We need a volunteer.
Thanks, Carter.
We'll write a very nice letter
to your family.
Cheers.
You know what this is?
What?
It's water.
Water, well, that's what
they've been saying.
It couldn't be water!
You're going to get the Nobel...
Hey, Colonel, I got
the sub on the radio.
Okay, Kinch!
This is Goldilocks,
come in Mama Bear,
come in Mama Bear.
We read you, Goldilocks.
Go ahead.
Big Bad Wolf has
hot barrel of water.
Barrel of water?
At your house now?
Roger, on way to Adolf's village
from Viking's village.
Viking's village?
Norway.
That's heavy water
for nuclear experiments.
Destroy Big Bad
Wolf's water at all costs.
Repeat, destroy. Over.
Wilco and out.
I was right.
Outside of Captain Mueller,
we're the only ones that
know what's in that truck.
We've got to get
rid of that barrel,
or we're going to be over it.
Good afternoon, Colonel Hogan.
I have to see Klink.
I won't let you in
until you kiss me.
The things I have
to do for my country.
Well, here we are again.
She keeps blocking the door.
She's a regular tiger.
Well, he won't take
no for an answer.
Well, what was the question?
I came to see you.
Fraulein Helga, you may go now,
and keep up the good work.
Colonel Hogan, what did
you want to see me about?
Please sit down, sit down.
I came to apologize
about the water.
Ah, that is most
admirable of you, Colonel.
I just couldn't believe the
German High Command
would take the time
to get water from a spa.
A spa!
Come on, you don't have to
play games with me, Colonel.
LeBeau told me all about
that great place in Norway
where the water comes from.
He did?
The French call it
"La Fontaine de la Jeunesse",
the Fountain of Youth.
Yes, of course.
Mm-hmm. Louis XVI
and Marie Antoinette
used to go there
to drink the water.
I don't have to tell
you what happened
to those two crazy
mixed-up kids, huh?
You mean they went to
Norway for that water?
Well, actually, Louis
was losing his hair,
but after drinking the water,
he had to add an extra barber on
at the palace. Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
It's a shame that
stuff's going to Berlin
for Goering and that crowd.
The guys at the front
never get any of the goodies.
Yes, almost everything
is going to Berlin first.
They get all the liquor,
all the girls, all the food.
And now, all the hair.
Yeah, the job you're doing,
they ought to send you a barrel.
Ah!
Sergeant, just checking
on the barrel of water,
to make sure that
everything is secure.
Ja, Herr Colonel.
There he goes.
Colonel Klink.
Yes, Sergeant?
Is everything secure?
Everything is secure.
You are doing an
excellent job, Sergeant.
Thank you, Colonel.
Whoever said you can
lead a horse to water
but you can't make him drink?
Ah, Fraulein Helga,
take some dictation, please.
Now, the first letter is going
to Colonel Oscar Pfefferman,
commanding officer of the...
what's the matter,
Fraulein Helga?
Colonel, somehow
you look different today.
I do?
You look younger.
I do?
And... the way you walk.
You have such a youthful
spring in your step.
You know something?
I am beginning to
feel a lot better today.
What's the matter?
Sir, I think there's
some dandruff.
Dandruff?
Have you been using
some sort of hair tonic?
Hair tonic? No, no.
Come in.
Colonel... Klink?
We will finish that letter
later, Fraulein Helga.
Here's the... the
list of our requests
from the Red
Cross for this month.
Thank you.
What's the matter?
I-I don't, I don't know.
Somehow, there's
something different about you.
Different?
Yeah. I can't put
my finger on it.
Maybe my walk is a
little springier, huh?
Yeah, yeah? I don't know.
A little more youthful?
Yeah, yeah, that... that, too.
I had dandruff today.
I don't believe it.
You're actually
growing... wait a minute.
Did you get to
that water barrel?
Colonel Hogan, I am a soldier.
If that water goes to
Berlin, it goes to Berlin.
Shame.
A barrel of that stuff,
and you'd be a
bushy-haired kid again.
Ah, good evening, Sergeant.
Jawohl, Herr Commandant.
Good evening.
I, uh, want you to give
me a hand with this barrel.
And what are we going to do
with it, Herr Commandant?
We are going to
take it to my office
and then we're
going to replace it
with another barrel of water.
But it is supposed to go to
Berlin, Herr Commandant.
Now, that will be
just between you
and me, Sergeant.
I don't know. I don't know.
Obersergeant.
Obersergeant. Thank you.
Thank you. Herr Commandant.
Schultz, we must be fast.
Yeah.
Schultz.
Take a look at it first.
Did you know that this water
comes from Norway?
The fountain of youth?
No.
Did you notice a
spring in my walk?
A little dandruff
on the shoulder?
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Of course, Herr Commandant.
Just last night,
I said to my wife
how wonderful you look.
It's the water.
Schultz, have a little drink.
Ah. Ja, I feel it.
Oh, it is wunderbar.
Have another one.
Sergeant Schultz!
Ah, Captain Mueller.
Colonel Klink.
What were you doing?
Uh... I was just checking up
on our valuable cargo.
Dismissed, Schultz.
Jawohl, Herr Commandant.
By the way, I found
out about that water.
You did?
From whom?
Colonel Hogan.
He knows?
The Frenchman told him.
How did the Frenchman find out?
Did you know that
Marie Antoinette
and Louis XVI used
to go to that spa
in Norway for the same water?
Oh, it does wonders for you.
Colonel Klink,
somebody is
making a fool of you.
What do you mean?
I suppose you must know
now, but this is top secret.
This water is for use
in nuclear experiments.
It is known as heavy water.
I drank some of that water.
Will I die from it?
Only if Berlin finds out.
Boy, what a shame that Captain
caught Klink in
the water barrel.
Well, what do we
do now, Colonel?
That truck leaves tomorrow,
and the barrel can't be on it.
Hey, let's make a hand grenade
and toss it in the
truck from the window.
Good.
Very good, very good.
Then they line us all up
in front of the firing squad.
Hey, how about a
diversionary tactic?
Give us a chance
to grab the barrel.
That's good thinking, Kinch,
but just taking the
barrel won't be enough.
We gotta...
I got it.
Carter, get me carpenters.
Newkirk, alert the
arson squad. Right.
Kinch, bring me the
cabinetmaker Right.
And Scotty, bring the
petty theft man here.
That's me.
Well, be here.
Colonel, what are we doing?
We're going into the
water-barrel business.
All right, that's enough
water in the barrel.
Carter and Newkirk are
almost at Klink's office.
Got exactly one minute.
Stand by with the
barrel, and good luck.
Right.
What is going on?
Fire! Fire!
Fire! Fire!
Fire!
I smell smoke. Fire! Fire!
We'd better get
this truck out of here.
We cannot move the truck.
You know what's
going to happen to you
if this truck burns
with that barrel in it?
You're right. We'd
better move the truck.
I'll get the truck out of here.
Halt! I will drive the truck.
All right, have it your way.
Fire! What is going on here?
Fire! Fire! Fire!
Back up!
Slow! Slow!
All right, cut! Cut! Cut!
A little more.
Back up. Back it up.
Fire! Help, fire! Fire!
Fire! Fire!
Colonel Klink, come
over to the window.
Get a hose!
A fire hose!
Nice of the boys to
dampen you down, sir.
Get a ladder!
There isn't time.
Jump into the blanket.
We'll save you, Colonel.
You won't catch me.
We give you our word
as enemy prisoners.
Get some of my guards!
They're all busy, Klink.
You better jump.
All right. I'll jump,
but you better catch me.
Oh, he's not gonna jump.
Oh, come on, Colonel, up.
Are you all right, sir?
Never. I should never
have trusted them.
It's your own fault.
They gave you two chances.
The truck, is it safe?
Yes, and we have Colonel Hogan
to thank for that.
Colonel Hogan?
Well, I knew that
barrel of water
was pretty important
to you fellows.
You may have done a service
to your country, Colonel Hogan.
Because of you, the
war may be shortened.
I wouldn't be at
all surprised, sir.
Fraulein Helga,
please file these...
I told her you wanted to see me.
But he's always trying
to break into your office.
The use of judo
on a prisoner of war
is against the
Geneva Conference.
Fraulein Helga, you may
let him go. Good work.
Thank you.
Colonel Hogan, come in.
Colonel Hogan,
I just want to tell you,
you didn't fool
me for one minute
with that story about the water.
I didn't try to fool you.
I deliberately went
along with your little joke
so you would think it was
spring water from Norway.
You mean it wasn't?
It was heavy water to be
used for a new type of bomb
that will bring the
Allies to their knees.
You mean...?
You don't rise
to the rank of colonel
because you're easily fooled.
If you don't mind, I'd
rather not stand here
while you gloat
about your victories.
Dismissed.
What's the matter?
You know, maybe that
heavy water does grow hair.