Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 8 - Movies Are Your Best Escape - full transcript

CBS presents this
program in color.

All right, we got you in.

Good morning.

Morning, Colonel.

Flight Lieutenants
Ritchie and Donner.

Hi.

They've been checked out, sir.

Good morning, sir.

Shot down near Dusseldorf.

Came in through the
emergency tunnel last night.

We were flying reconnaissance.



Caught a bit of
flak, I'm afraid.

Knocked us for six,
so we scarpered.

Scarper... translation:
they bailed out.

Thanks. Coffee?

Sit down. Thank you.

Well, the Germans might
have seen your parachutes,

so they'll be looking for you.

We'll keep you here
until the heat's off, huh?

We heard you chaps were
expert in the escape business.

We have our moments.

We're rather anxious
to get back to base,

even if it means a bit of risk.

Right. Our squadron plays
the Royal Engineers next week.

Hate to miss that.



You want to get home
for a ruddy cricket match?

Fascinating.

There'll always be an England.

Into the barracks, everybody.

Into the barracks.

Schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell!

Hey, watch it, watch it.

Goon's coming.

Come on!

Into the barracks,

I said raus, raus...

Rrr-rrr...

You, too!

Raus, raus, raus, raus!

Everybody into the
barracks until further notice.

Schultz, what's going on?

I know nothing.

Nothing.

Some Kraut colonel
just came into camp.

Oh, you are so ignorant.

Colonel... it's a general.

General Von Kaplow.

I know nothing, nothing!

Schultz, Schultz!
What's he doing here?

You would like to
know, wouldn't you?

Even if I know what the
General has chained to his wrist,

I wouldn't tell you,
and you know why?

Because...

- I - know nothing! Nothing!

Jolly jokers.

A Wehrmacht General
with a briefcase.

Now, why would he stop here?

Carrying secrets, maybe?

Could be.

I think I'd better go
find out from Klink.

How are you going
to do that, Colonel?

Lebeau, get out your
very best recipes.

They say the way
to a man's big mouth

is through his stomach.

We shall do everything to make
you comfortable, Herr General.

That's very kind of
you, Colonel Quink.

Klink.

I'll try to remember that.

Comfort is important,

but I have chosen to stay
here for security reasons.

Oh, my dear General,
this is Stalag 13.

You need have no
worries about security.

I always worry.

That's why I am a general
and you are a colonel.

Ha, that's good.

I must remember that.

Hi, honey.

What's the General
doing in there with Klink?

The only reason you kiss me

is to get information from me.

Come on, honey, that's not true.

There are other reasons.

For openers, I'm a man,
and you're a woman.

Mmm.

That's about all I remember
from those training films.

What about the General?

The only thing I know
is that he pinched me.

At least we know what he likes.

Easy boy, down now.

Sir, Colonel Hogan, Senior
POW officer reporting.

How dare you!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you
had company, sir.

How dare you
break into my office?

You were confined to quarters.

Well, you see, sir, I was...

Out!

You will be punished for this.

Herr General, I must
apologize for this rudeness.

Out! Wait.

What is the problem?

Uh, sir, you see, today is
one of our national holidays,

Repeal of Prohibition.

The fellows were
preparing a gourmet dinner,

and they asked me to invite
our lovable commandant

to join in the festivities.

Colonel Hogan, you know

I never fraternize
with the prisoners.

Out!

Just a moment.

Just a moment.

A gourmet dinner in a POW camp.

It might be amusing.

It might be amusing.

We would be honored if the
General would join us, too.

Very well, I accept.

Very well. He accepts.

All right, fine.

Shall we say 7:30?

7:30.

7:30.

In your quarters?
In my quarters?

Why not?

Why not?

All right, come as you are.

We're terribly informal here.

General... Colonel.

Excellent... excellent.

Mmm, very delicate flavor.

I am so pleased you are
enjoying that, General.

We are not totally
uncivilized here at Stalag 13.

Schultz, you want
to lick the pot?

Yes.

Mmm!

Das schmecht gut.

You're a better
cook than my wife.

Merci.

You're also better-looking.

More wine, my dear?

More wine for the General.

More wine for the General.

More wine for the General.

Oh, I beg... Clumsy oaf!

Dummkopf!

Oh, well, accidents will happen.

Just take a moment to clean up.

Make sure you pick
up every bit of glass.

Yes, sir.

Oh, good help is so
hard to get these days.

Good help?

Oh, you see, Herr General,

he is a prisoner who
has to be here anyway.

So, he refers to him as...

That's very humorous.

Ja, very humorous.

You know, this
is really delicious.

I once had a meal

at Stalag 9.

It was dreadful

compared to this.

Really?

I believe that the
prisoners ate better

than the Commandant
and his officers.

Colonel Hogan, if you
had not been captured,

what would you
be doing right now?

Oh, probably bombing
your headquarters.

And if you should escape?

I can assure you, he won't.

As an officer, it
is his duty to try.

Also keeps me out of trouble.

I got most of it, sir.

I just need a
dustpan to finish up.

So... a fine meal

and good company.

Thank you.

So, shall we adjourn
to the living room?

To round out a perfect evening,

I was hoping that the
Commandant would favor us

with a bit of music.

Oh, yes, a violin solo,
Herr Commandant.

Ah, you're a musician?

Well... in a small way.

Oh, he's so modest.

Behind his back the
men call him Papa Heifetz.

They do?

Amongst other things.

Oh, do play for us.

Just one number?

Oh, really, I'm not prepared.

Well, if he can't, he can't.

If you insist.

He can. He can!

You won't believe
what he does to a violin.

What's that noise?

Somebody is strangling a cat.

It's our beloved Commandant.

He's having a go at the violin.

You'd better get
in there and listen.

Old Klink would love that.

You think so?

Oh, you'd probably
get an extra day's leave.

Oh, I could start right now.

Go...

lights... camera... flash!

Un, deux, trois...

Wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful, Colonel.

Thank you. Now shall we...

Do you know "Melancholy Baby?"

Is that Mozart by any chance?

No chance at all.

Oh... well, I have
another little number

that is very well received.

Good, good.

General leave for
Berlin yet, Colonel?

Yeah, and I wish he had
taken Klink's fiddle with him.

Wait a minute. Wait
a minute. Hold it.

These are the battle plans
of the Fourth Army Group.

Attack plan, reserve
strength, air support,

intelligence reports...

Hey, we've got to get this
stuff to London, but fast.

Hey, Colonel, send them out
with our two RAF cricketers.

Sure, use the emergency tunnel.

No, there's too much
German activity near the exit.

What would make the
Germans loosen up?

Four or five well-placed
hand grenades.

Look, they're winning.

What if they thought
they were losing?

Now, how do you manage that?

This will take
real organization.

Newkirk, I need two Wehrmacht
uniforms for the RAF men.

Right, sir, I'll get
their measurements.

Carter, what are the boys in
the metal shop working on?

Reversible tie pins.

On one side it
says "Heil Hitler."

On the other, "I was in
Switzerland during the war."

Put a hold on the tie pins.

I want them to make a
dummy movie camera,

realistic as possible.

Okay.

All right, look, we go to
work on the goons tomorrow.

We're selling an idea,

so we've got to attack
them at their weakest point.

Schultz!

Who else?

Here he comes!

All right, gentlemen.

Now the first thing is,

I don't want you
to be discouraged

by the complexity of
the Russian language.

What I want you to do

is learn a few essential words.

Now... the first word
we're going to learn

is tovarich, which means friend.

It's an obvious way
to greet someone.

Okay, now let me
hear you repeat it.

Tovarich.

Very good.

Oh, hi, Schultz. Come on in.

Hello. Now...

What-what-what-
what are you doing?

We're learning a little Russian.

Good-bye.

Schultz, what's your hurry?

It wouldn't hurt you to learn
a little Russian, you know.

What for?

Well, I mean, suppose they liberate
Stalag 13 before the Americans.

Th-they are coming?

Could be. Good-bye.

All right... Who told you?

Oh, that's a professional
secret. I'm sorry.

Aha! You have a radio hidden.

You were listening
to a broadcast.

You know it is verboten.

If the Commandant finds
out, you all go to the cooler.

What did the radio say, tell me?

The Allies are
winning on all fronts.

Hamburg is in ruins.

Berlin is a shambles.

Oh, boy, no matter what
we do, we can't win a war.

All right...

now, the next two
words are "da" and "nyet"

meaning "yes" and "no."

Now, let me hear you say
"yes" and "no" in Russian.

Da... nyet...

Da. Nyet. Da. Nyet.

Da. Nyet.

Da. Nyet. Da...

We the undersigned,
POWs of Stalag 13,

certify that Sergeant Schultz

has been a humane and
considerate guard of this camp.

We ask that he be
treated accordingly

when the Allies
occupy Stalag 13.

Type that up and
have everybody sign it.

Will do.

Schultz, you like that?

Beautiful, tovarich.

I could cry.

Berlin is in ruins, and
Hamburg is a shambles,

and the Russians are going to
liberate the camp any minute.

How do you know all this?

I know nothing, nothing.

If you know nothing,

where did you get
this information?

Once in a while, I
know something.

I see.

The letter, please?

Letter?

I have no letter.

I swear, Herr Commandant.

I... have a letter.

All wrapped up in
this neat little package.

I need a few more signatures.

This is a terrible thing
you're doing, Schultz.

You're a traitor
to your country.

You're a traitor
to your uniform,

and to my command.

Yes, Herr Commandant.

Dismissed!

Would you like me to
get you one of these?

Get out of here!

This is Radio Berlin.

We interrupt our daily music
for a special announcement

from Supreme Headquarters.

Our beloved Fuhrer will
address the German nation

on a matter of the
highest importance

this evening at 2100 hours.

It is hoped that all
Germans will listen

to this special broadcast...

or else.

So you are organizing a
Stalag 13 orchestra, huh?

Yes, sir. The Red Cross
supplied the instruments.

Love to have you
as first violinist, sir.

Well, I don't know, I...

I mean, the men
are insisting, sir.

I'm flattered.

I mean, of course,

we'd love to have
you as soloist,

especially at our first concert.

Let me think it over.

I mean, nothing elaborate.

Maybe four or five numbers

ending with "Stars
and Stripes Forever."

That's an unusual request.

Oh, it's almost time
for the Fuhrer's speech.

You may stay and listen to
it, Colonel Hogan, if you wish.

Thank you, sir.

I, uh... wouldn't
want to miss this.

And now, here is our beloved
Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler, himself!

Germans everywhere, guten Abend.

Your Fuhrer speaks to
you tonight live from Berlin.

I'm happy to report that the war

against the enemies of our
beloved Third Reich goes well.

It is possible that
you've heard rumors

that Berlin is in ruins, Hamburg
is a shambles and so on.

I order you not to believe
these things even if they are true.

We are winning.

Always winning
against the enemy.

Yet, at the present time,

certain negotiations
are under way

which will come as a great
surprise to the Fatherland,

but no matter what happens,
we will all be together.

In conclusion, I say,

tighten your belts,

work hard,

fight dirty,

and no matter what happens

keep smiling.

Keep smiling?

He tells us to keep smiling.

Uh, Colonel, about
our orchestra?

Not now. Not now.

We are winning the war.

But negotiations have started.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Hitler's like everybody else.

He has his moods.

Of course.

Probably had one of his
temper tantrums this morning.

Yes, perhaps he had a
bad day at Berchtesgaden.

But you can never tell.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, you go along

running the toughest
camp in Germany

and suddenly one
day you look out

and through the gate
comes a Sherman tank

with its peashooter pointed
right at your monocle.

What?

Yeah, yeah.

And then out steps
a second lieutenant,

19 years old, 6'4"

a high school senior
from Wichita, Kansas.

And he says,

"Sir, you are my prisoner!"

Very correct,

and if you move, he shoots you.

Colonel, I'm going to
play in your orchestra.

Thank you, sir.

You are sitting in my chair!

Sorry. I got carried away.

I'd get rid of that German
helmet if I were you.

It's got that "Hun"
feeling about it.

And you don't have to worry

about going to
the Russian front.

The Russian front's coming here.

Did we convince Klink that
he's losing the war, Colonel?

All I can tell you is

he's practicing his
surrender speech right now.

Let's go over your routine.

Right you are.

We are a photographic unit

with orders to shoot
pictures of Stalag 13

for our military archives.

Right-o.

Our car broke down
a few miles from here,

and we have come along on foot.

Now, you go through
the motions, take the film,

then tell them you need a car

to get back to your
headquarters, right?

Colonel. Oh, Kinch.

London just confirmed the plan.

They'll be picked
up by our sub tonight.

Great, great.
Stand by the radio.

All right, gentlemen, look,

you're going to take out
the documents as negatives

inside this camera.

But I say, what if we're caught

and Jada gets the camera?

Anybody tries to
open the magazine

without first pushing
the safety... kaboom!

I see. Understood, sir.

Okay. Now, go out the door
casually and go about your work.

Right you are.

Heil Hitler.

Heil... heil.

A film of Stalag 13?

Those are the orders, Colonel.

We are making pictures of
all the prisoner of war camps

for military archives.

But I've heard nothing
about this from headquarters.

Well, that is understandable.

Things are a little confused
in Berlin these days.

Please don't tell me any more.

Yes, Hogan?

I couldn't help
overhearing, sir.

This is a great
break for you, sir.

It is?

Oh, sure, a movie
of friendly Stalag 13,

where never is heard
a discouraging word.

With lovable Commandant Klink.

Forget that kid in
the Sherman tank.

Yes, yes, yes.

This will be documentary proof

that you've been a humane
guardian of Allied prisoners.

Excellent.

That's an excellent idea.

Gentlemen, you may proceed.

You have my fullest cooperation.

Jawohl, Herr Colonel.

Thank you, Colonel Klink.

That will be fine.

Just a minute, just a minute.

You haven't got a complete
picture of Stalag 13 yet.

Now, there is another side
I want you to photograph.

Just a moment.

Cut. Very good.

That was an
excellent idea, Colonel.

That's all we need, thank you.

Just a moment, just a moment.

This is only the beginning.

Now, let us move
the camera over there.

Well, sir, don't overdo it.

If you don't mind!

A star is born.

After you get this shot,

tell the ham that
you're out of film,

you need a car,
and get out of here.

Right you are. Yes, sir.

Oops.

We got trouble.

I say, do we make a run for it?

Don't panic.

Play this thing by ear.

Get out of here.

Right-o, sir.

What an unexpected
pleasure, Herr General.

Just on my way back from Berlin.

Couldn't wait to see my
little friend, Fraulein Helga.

I thought perhaps we could
have one of your excellent dinners.

Herr General, you have
just returned from Berlin.

Are things really as
bad as they say they are?

Things were never better.

The Wilhelmstrasse
is busy with the war,

and we are celebrating
victories on all fronts.

But what about the
rumors? The rumors!

Without rumors,
there would be no war.

But the Fuhrer's
speech last night.

He hinted there
might be negotiations.

Perhaps it was a trial balloon.

Hitler loves to
confuse his enemies.

Then we're not losing the war?

Losing?

I've already made a hotel
reservation in London.

Just a minute.

There will be no more
pictures taken here.

I will personally
destroy this film.

Oh, wait.

Good move.

You know this
is probably a trick

by the Gestapo
to test your loyalty.

But why?

They're jealous.

You're too efficient.

Here, let me take this for you.

There, now...

Here, take that.

I'd get rid of these
guys if I were you.

Exactly.

But fast.

Captain, you and your assistant

get out of here at once!

But Colonel, our car broke down.

Schultz, requisition a car and
a driver from the motor pool

and take the Captain
and his assistant

wherever they wish to go.

Jawohl, Herr Commandant.

Auf Wiedersehen, Colonel.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler and get out.

Imagine the nerve of these men
coming here with that camera.

Oh, you handled it
masterfully, sir, masterfully.

Thank you.

Colonel Hogan, I have
decided not to play

in your prisoners' orchestra.

I may, however, do a solo

over the loudspeaker system.

Well, if I were you,

I'd wait until the
General leaves, sir.

Why?

I mean how would it look, a
mass escape while he's here?

Now, don't tell me you
can't find my violin, Schultz.

Herr Commandant, I was
looking for it everywhere.

You will search every
inch of this camp again,

and you will search
it until you find it.

Jawohl, Herr Commandant.

Come in.

You sent for me, Colonel?

Yes. I'm missing my violin.

Now, I want every...

Not anymore, you're not.

Why, thank you, Colonel.

Where did you find it?

Oh, it's a long story.

I will personally put
this under lock and key.

Why did you have to find it?

Now he's going to play it again.

If he does, he'll
have to blow into it.