Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 7 - German Bridge Is Falling Down - full transcript
In order to steal enough explosives to blow up a difficult bridge, Hogan's men paint anti-Nazi graffiti on the camp's ammo building.
CBS presents this
program in color.
Sechs, sieben, acht, neun...
Report!
Herr Kommandant, all
present and accounted for.
All right, Schultz.
Hogan,
at ease.
All present, Colonel Hogan.
I'm glad of that, sir.
Now, you should know
no one ever escapes
from Stalag 13.
However, I appreciate
your cooperation
in asking for this
special count.
A couple of hotheads
had a crazy escape plan...
You know, in business
for themselves.
I wanted to head 'em off.
That was a wise decision.
Smoke if you have them.
I mean, if there's
any breaking out,
our Escape Committee
can handle that.
I warn you, Hogan,
one false move and...
There it is, Major,
a perfect arrow.
Hogan's Heroes.
I don't know how they do it.
Now, that's what I call service.
They sure turned this
mission into a milk run.
Blue Fox Leader to Little Foxes.
Primary target,
bearing 0-6 degrees.
Follow me in, drop your eggs,
and head for the barn.
Pilot to bombardier.
It's all yours, Mike.
Get that bridge, and
I'll punch your ticket
to a three-day pass in London.
Gentlemen, last night
a force of enemy planes
attacked the Adolf Hitler Bridge
near the town of Braunstadt.
Except for minor damage,
the Adolf Hitler
Bridge was not touched
and is being used
today for vital military
and civilian traffic.
Silence!
The Adolf Hitler
Bridge remains intact,
proving the superiority
of the German defenses.
Yeah, we'll get the bridge
next time, Fritz, baby!
Silence!
Enough of your
American insolence.
The man who said that
will take two steps forward.
Not all of you! Back.
No, that's wrong!
I wish you'd make
up your mind, Schultz.
It's a lovely day for a walk.
Yeah, we should've
packed a lunch.
Since you all take
two steps forward,
you're all guilty,
and you will all take
the consequences.
The recreation hall will
be closed for one week.
That's terrible!
Come on, Colonel!
If you close the
recreation hall,
you're gonna deprive us of
our Tommy Dorsey records.
That's a cruel, inhuman,
sadistic punishment.
Colonel Hogan...
I am so deeply
moved by your protest,
the recreation hall will
not be closed for one week.
It will be closed for two weeks!
Dismissed!
Two weeks?! It's impossible!
Look, I know that arrow
was pointed in
the right direction.
I took a bearing from the roof
of Klink's office.
Doesn't matter, Kinch,
the Adolf Hitler Bridge
is still in business.
Yeah, and Klink's
happy... nasty happy.
Let's make him
unhappy... Nasty unhappy.
Let's knock out that bridge.
Huh?
What?! You're kidding. I
mean, how do we get there?
We'll worry about that later.
What kind of explosives
have we got, Carter?
Three firecrackers
and a can of lighter fluid.
Firecrackers?
Well, sure, you remember.
We told Klink that
LeBeau was part Chinese,
we had to have firecrackers
to celebrate Chinese New Year.
Oh, yeah. And I cooked that
whole pot of chow
mein with sauerkraut.
Please. Not while I'm plotting.
Have we got anything
to make explosives?
Well, the easiest thing
would be some kind of gas,
if we could get a
detonator and a timer.
Maybe chlorine gas.
What do you need?
Ammonia would do it, mixed
with bleach, if we had any.
Hey, the Krauts
keep a lot of that stuff
in the kitchen for cleaning.
Newkirk, go find Schultz.
Volunteer for kitchen
detail. Yes, Colonel.
Kinch, you go with
Carter, help him set up
his bomb factory in
tunnel number three.
Get him anything
he needs. Right.
Wha-What about me, Colonel?
What do I do? LeBeau, my boy,
I'm holding you in reserve
to make chow mein.
What?
If Carter's bombs don't do it,
we may have to
poison that bridge.
We'd better get out of here.
He's got work to do.
Carter, good luck.
And hurry it up.
Yeah, right, Colonel.
Carter?
Carter?
You okay? Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.
Boy, that stuff's
really unstable. Yeah.
You got to get that
mixture just right.
Yeah, I know, I know. You've
got to expect a few little explosions.
Oh, sure. Oh, boy,
you keep that up,
Klink'll be down
here in a minute,
and there goes the ball game.
I think I have an idea
how to explain the noise.
Carter, keep working.
Uh, you do have insurance?
Sign here, Colonel.
And... here.
And here.
Without requisitions,
there would be no war.
Danke.
Greetings, baby.
Herr Kommandant,
you sent for me?
I did.
Tell me, Schultz,
what was the reaction
to the closing of the
recreation hall, hmm?
Very unhappy.
They miss Tommy Dorsey.
What a pity.
I daresay they're calling
me all sorts of names?
The usual,
but Colonel Hogan has a new one.
It starts with...
"Your parents were
baboons and..."
I'm not interested!
Of course, Herr
Kommandant, I did not listen.
Now, uh, during the
disciplinary period,
there is bound to be
increased escape activity.
I want you to make spot
checks on all barracks
and search for any
signs of tunnel-digging.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Those explosions.
They are top secret.
Please don't tell me.
I'm such a blabbermouth.
If you open your blabbermouth,
by the time you close it,
you will be a well-known
figure at the Russian front.
If you live.
Now, there is a sign posted
a half a mile from here,
"Blasting in Progress
for Construction."
I have checked with Berlin...
They know nothing about it,
which, of course,
means that it is top secret.
The sign has
obviously been put up
to make people think
that it is a civilian project.
Very clever of Berlin.
Oh, those devils...
always up to something.
You are talking about
Headquarters, Sergeant.
Oh, I didn't mean it that
way, Herr Kommandant.
Now, if the prisoners
ask any questions
about these explosions,
you know nothing.
You are ignorant.
Oh, I can handle that.
I know.
Dismissed.
Boy, that was a beaut.
Yeah, he... he loosened
one of my fillings.
Write to your prime minister.
You ordered soufflé for tonight?
What you will get
is upside-down cake.
That's two if you... Wait a
minute, I heard something.
Shh. Listen. You're
going round the bend...
Will you shut up and listen.
It's Carter! The tunnel.
- Newkirk, watch the door.
- Something's wrong!
Quick, get him out of there.
Come on, come on.
Put him here.
Can you hear me?
Hello, Mom.
The water.
LeBeau! I'm nervous.
Will you give it to him.
There. Feeling better?
Much better.
Not you. Him.
I'm fine now. I'm
okay. I'm just...
He's in great shape.
No, everything's
really fine, Colonel.
If I could just have a
couple of more shots.
A couple of more shots,
and we won't be here.
We could never get that
stuff to the bridge anyway,
even if you got it ready.
Shall I make some chow mein?
Watch out! Goons coming!
Hi, Schultz.
Hello, gentlemen!
Oh, it's our old pal, Schultz.
What is wrong with
Carter? He looks terrible.
Very sick. Oh?
One for Mommy.
And one for Daddy.
What is that? Medicine.
It's delicious... you want some?
Ugh! No.
We take him to the hospital.
Langenscheidt!
Hey, Schultz, what about
a game of cards, then?
Come on. Who, me?
You're a right old
wizard at poker, you are.
At poker I stink.
No need to get personal, now.
Hey, come on, Kinch, deal.
Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja.
Hmm. Auf Wiedersehen.
We still got to figure a way
to make more ammunition.
Well, I'm still willing
to try, Colonel.
Whose side are you on?
Pity we don't have
about 500 of these.
They'd make a lovely bomb.
Hey, Newkirk,
where'd you get these?
Schultz's cartridge
case... I pinched them
while I was giving
him that old jolly-up.
Bit of practice. You
get rusty, you know.
Oh, yeah. Why not?
Why not what, Colonel?
Blow up the Adolf Hitler Bridge
with their own ammunition.
It's a nice touch. Here.
All right, fellas, look at here.
This is where the Krauts
keep their ammunition,
in the ammunition room, right?
Now, we dig a right-angle
turn in tunnel number three,
and we surface in the middle
of all that beautiful gunpowder.
That's marvelous!
That's great. Wait a
minute, hold it, fellas.
Before you get too happy,
I got some bad news.
That last explosion collapsed
about 50 feet of tunnel three.
Oh, that's the clincher.
The way the Krauts
are watching us,
it'll take us a month
to clear that 50 feet.
Newkirk, can you pick a lock?
I find that question,
sir, highly insulting.
Sorry, old bean, I
should have known.
Gentlemen, I think
we're in business.
LeBeau, we can use all the paint
you have left over
from that sign job
and a couple of
paintbrushes, too.
Okay. What for?
Tonight we're going to
paint Klink into a corner.
"Hess...
is a mess."
"Himmler is a rat fink."
"Goering is a fat rat fink."
"Col. Klink...
is bucking for rat fink."
Oh, no!
Hogan, this time
you've gone too far.
Aw, come on, Colonel.
That's a boyish prank.
Ever since you closed
up the recreation hall,
they can't dance to their
Tommy Dorsey records.
Got to blow off steam somehow.
I'll send you to the
cooler, every one of you!
Temper, temper, Colonel.
Your men can paint
out those words
in a couple of hours.
My men? Your men!
They will paint this
entire building at once.
Then we'll talk about
punishment. Schultz!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Issue paints and brushes
to these assassins at once.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Now, wait a minute,
Colonel. I protest.
Prisoners of war
are not required
to do this kind of work.
We'll need a tarp... a big one.
And besides that,
it's against all the
rules of civilized warfare.
Need a couple
of ladders... tall.
Jawohl. One more
word out of you, Hogan,
and your men will
paint this building
for the entire war... in chains!
Newkirk, paint
the door trim, huh?
I'll have to go under
the tarp for that, sir.
I don't care how you do it.
Okay, Colonel.
Piece of cake.
LeBeau, get under the
tarp, work on the door.
Right, Colonel.
All right. Come on, fellas,
let's get this job done.
That job is going to
take much more time
than we thought, Colonel.
It's slow work.
All right, Newkirk.
Permission to go to the
hut for a minute, Schultz?
Jawohl.
Water the paint.
We need more time.
There is more traffic
here than downtown Berlin.
Paint fumes gather
underneath the tarp, Schultz.
They have to clear their heads.
I wish I had a
drugstore on this corner.
You ordered us to paint
the building. We painted it.
Colonel Hogan, this is
not what I had in mind.
I can still read those insults.
Now, you will paint it again,
and again, if necessary,
until those insulting
statements are gone.
Now, paint it!
All right, fellas, you
heard the Commandant.
Now, let's get it right.
No, no, no, no, no!
A pink building on a
military establishment?
Are you mad?
If you think I wouldn't turn you
over to the Gestapo,
you are sadly mistaken.
Come on, Colonel.
It's about time
we got a little
color in the war.
Everything's so drab.
Paint it again!
All right. So there won't
be any misunderstanding,
Carter, come here.
Carter was a decorator
before the war.
I've made up some
samples for you, sir.
What?
May I suggest Blue Lagoon?
Blue Lagoon?
It's so warm and friendly.
My wife loves Shocking Burgundy.
Shocking Burgundy?
I'm a little partial to
chartreuse, myself.
Well, after all, you
are an officer, sir.
Paint it as all the
other buildings. Schnell!
No imagination.
All we have to do is
set this timer, and boom!
Hello, Adolf?
Did you see a bridge
go by at 5,000 feet?
Ja? Well, it had your
name on it, mate!
Fine. We have the bomb.
Now, how do we get it there?
I'm glad you asked
that, my friend.
Might I have your
attention, please?
Here is Braunstadt and
the bridge, and here we are.
Every day, the Division
messenger comes in here
to pick up the mail and,
like a good little Kraut,
he goes back across the
bridge on his little motorcycle.
Tomorrow, there's going
to be a little extra package
in his little sidecar... without
him knowing, of course. Cute?
Cute. Cute.
Well, how can we be exact
about setting the timer?
All rear echelon
drivers have orders
not to exceed 40 miles an hour.
Right. So all we have to
do is measure the distance
from here to the bridge
at 40 miles an hour,
and then set the
timer so that it blows up
while he's crossing the bridge.
My son the mathematician.
What are you doing, eh?
Oh, I was admiring
your motor, that's all.
Get off.
Hey, you know, I had
a motorcycle at home?
I said, get away!
You... You push me,
I push you right back.
Wait. Wait a minute.
Maybe I don't push you back.
Bon voyage!
I wonder
what the new messenger's
going to be like.
What are you doing?
Very nasty bit of work,
that courier, Schultz.
You're telling me?
I asked him to take one pound
of coffee to my
wife in Dusseldorf.
He charged me ten
marks for that little detour.
Dusseldorf?
A detour?
Oops.
Now, according to my figures,
it's, uh, roughly 20 minutes
before he reaches
the crossroads here.
The road to the
left is Dusseldorf,
to the right Braunstadt
and the bridge, huh?
Yeah, and, according
to the information
that we pumped out of Schultz,
they've got three
sentries posted
between here and Braunstadt.
They're numbered,
uh, five, seven and nine.
All connected by
phone. Yes, Colonel.
The Krauts use them
for setting up roadblocks.
Now, Number Nine is closest
to the crossroads. Here.
That's the one we try for.
If Kinch is right,
we have exactly 18 minutes
before that bomb blows.
Start sweating.
And that's an order.
So, your men were
going to try to bribe me.
Me.
Afraid so, sir.
Indeed.
Fraulein Helga, come in here
with your notebook at once.
Bribery, huh?
This will go down in
the record for Berlin.
Now, Fraulein Helga, I want
you to take down everything
that is said in this
office, verbatim.
Jawohl, Herr Colonel.
All right, Colonel,
now just what exactly
did your men do, huh?
Well, they gave the
Division Messenger money
to pick up a case
of your favorite wine
in Dusseldorf.
They figured the
bribe, or the gift,
would make you reopen
the recreation hall.
And they keep saying,
there's a lot of human
being in Colonel Klink.
Those fools.
I told them they were wrong.
A bribe, huh?
I will throw them
in the cooler for life.
Even after the war.
Even if we lose.
Schultz, arrest the
Division Messenger
the moment he sets
foot in this camp again.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
I must say
you're the most secure
officer I've ever met.
What do you mean?
Well, the Division
Messenger goes to Dusseldorf,
stops at a bar for a drink,
starts bragging about the bribe,
the Gestapo overhears.
My hat's off to you, sir.
I mean, do you care
if they need officers
at the Russian Front? No, sir.
That's enough.
Get me the Division
Messenger on the road
to Braunstadt at once.
Sentry Post Number Nine.
Ring Sentry Post Number Nine.
There goes my pound of coffee.
Don't put that down, baby.
Schultz, stop muttering.
The Recreation Hall, huh?
I shall personally
smash their Tommy Dorsey records
in front of their eyes.
Oh, come on, Colonel...
And their Jimmy Dorsey records.
Also the Andrews Sisters.
Hello?
This is Colonel
Klink, Luft Stalag 13.
What?
Oh, yes, yes, yes. Heil Hitler.
Has the Division Messenger
passed your way yet?
He hasn't?
Good. Now listen carefully.
He is not to go to Dusseldorf
for any reason whatsoever.
He must proceed
on his regular route.
To Braunstadt across the bridge.
To Braunstadt across the bridge.
Understood?
Understood.
Now you're to telephone me
and confirm.
If these orders
are not carried out,
you and the messenger
will be court-martialed,
shot and sent to
the Russian Front.
That's all.
What?
Oh, yes, of course. Heil Hitler.
Did, uh, you say something
while I was talking
on the phone?
Me? No, sir.
Schultz,
you're muttering again.
All right, now we shall all wait
until the sentry calls us back.
And then you will watch me
throw your men into the
cooler with my own hands.
And you can put
cooler in capital letters.
And if I find any
Bing Crosby records,
I smash them, too.
Herr Kommandant,
that was the worst.
It's that construction work.
I wish they'd finish.
I'm getting sick of this.
I don't think there are going
to be any more
explosions, Colonel.
And how do you know, may I ask?
Just a wild guess.
And the source of the
mysterious explosion
that destroyed the bridge
is being investigated.
Good luck, Charlie.
In the meantime,
I am calling for volunteers
to help rebuild the
Adolf Hitler Bridge.
Oh, pipe down, pipe down.
Colonel, I volunteer
the services
of my command.
Pipe down, pipe down.
Thank you, Colonel, thank you.
Provided the recreation
hall is reopened
and all past
offenses are excused.
Request granted.
Dismissed.
Shh.
All right, all right.
We're going to
rebuild the bridge
with a very special feature.
What do you mean by that?
It's going to be the
only bridge in the world
with a built-in bomb.
program in color.
Sechs, sieben, acht, neun...
Report!
Herr Kommandant, all
present and accounted for.
All right, Schultz.
Hogan,
at ease.
All present, Colonel Hogan.
I'm glad of that, sir.
Now, you should know
no one ever escapes
from Stalag 13.
However, I appreciate
your cooperation
in asking for this
special count.
A couple of hotheads
had a crazy escape plan...
You know, in business
for themselves.
I wanted to head 'em off.
That was a wise decision.
Smoke if you have them.
I mean, if there's
any breaking out,
our Escape Committee
can handle that.
I warn you, Hogan,
one false move and...
There it is, Major,
a perfect arrow.
Hogan's Heroes.
I don't know how they do it.
Now, that's what I call service.
They sure turned this
mission into a milk run.
Blue Fox Leader to Little Foxes.
Primary target,
bearing 0-6 degrees.
Follow me in, drop your eggs,
and head for the barn.
Pilot to bombardier.
It's all yours, Mike.
Get that bridge, and
I'll punch your ticket
to a three-day pass in London.
Gentlemen, last night
a force of enemy planes
attacked the Adolf Hitler Bridge
near the town of Braunstadt.
Except for minor damage,
the Adolf Hitler
Bridge was not touched
and is being used
today for vital military
and civilian traffic.
Silence!
The Adolf Hitler
Bridge remains intact,
proving the superiority
of the German defenses.
Yeah, we'll get the bridge
next time, Fritz, baby!
Silence!
Enough of your
American insolence.
The man who said that
will take two steps forward.
Not all of you! Back.
No, that's wrong!
I wish you'd make
up your mind, Schultz.
It's a lovely day for a walk.
Yeah, we should've
packed a lunch.
Since you all take
two steps forward,
you're all guilty,
and you will all take
the consequences.
The recreation hall will
be closed for one week.
That's terrible!
Come on, Colonel!
If you close the
recreation hall,
you're gonna deprive us of
our Tommy Dorsey records.
That's a cruel, inhuman,
sadistic punishment.
Colonel Hogan...
I am so deeply
moved by your protest,
the recreation hall will
not be closed for one week.
It will be closed for two weeks!
Dismissed!
Two weeks?! It's impossible!
Look, I know that arrow
was pointed in
the right direction.
I took a bearing from the roof
of Klink's office.
Doesn't matter, Kinch,
the Adolf Hitler Bridge
is still in business.
Yeah, and Klink's
happy... nasty happy.
Let's make him
unhappy... Nasty unhappy.
Let's knock out that bridge.
Huh?
What?! You're kidding. I
mean, how do we get there?
We'll worry about that later.
What kind of explosives
have we got, Carter?
Three firecrackers
and a can of lighter fluid.
Firecrackers?
Well, sure, you remember.
We told Klink that
LeBeau was part Chinese,
we had to have firecrackers
to celebrate Chinese New Year.
Oh, yeah. And I cooked that
whole pot of chow
mein with sauerkraut.
Please. Not while I'm plotting.
Have we got anything
to make explosives?
Well, the easiest thing
would be some kind of gas,
if we could get a
detonator and a timer.
Maybe chlorine gas.
What do you need?
Ammonia would do it, mixed
with bleach, if we had any.
Hey, the Krauts
keep a lot of that stuff
in the kitchen for cleaning.
Newkirk, go find Schultz.
Volunteer for kitchen
detail. Yes, Colonel.
Kinch, you go with
Carter, help him set up
his bomb factory in
tunnel number three.
Get him anything
he needs. Right.
Wha-What about me, Colonel?
What do I do? LeBeau, my boy,
I'm holding you in reserve
to make chow mein.
What?
If Carter's bombs don't do it,
we may have to
poison that bridge.
We'd better get out of here.
He's got work to do.
Carter, good luck.
And hurry it up.
Yeah, right, Colonel.
Carter?
Carter?
You okay? Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.
Boy, that stuff's
really unstable. Yeah.
You got to get that
mixture just right.
Yeah, I know, I know. You've
got to expect a few little explosions.
Oh, sure. Oh, boy,
you keep that up,
Klink'll be down
here in a minute,
and there goes the ball game.
I think I have an idea
how to explain the noise.
Carter, keep working.
Uh, you do have insurance?
Sign here, Colonel.
And... here.
And here.
Without requisitions,
there would be no war.
Danke.
Greetings, baby.
Herr Kommandant,
you sent for me?
I did.
Tell me, Schultz,
what was the reaction
to the closing of the
recreation hall, hmm?
Very unhappy.
They miss Tommy Dorsey.
What a pity.
I daresay they're calling
me all sorts of names?
The usual,
but Colonel Hogan has a new one.
It starts with...
"Your parents were
baboons and..."
I'm not interested!
Of course, Herr
Kommandant, I did not listen.
Now, uh, during the
disciplinary period,
there is bound to be
increased escape activity.
I want you to make spot
checks on all barracks
and search for any
signs of tunnel-digging.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Those explosions.
They are top secret.
Please don't tell me.
I'm such a blabbermouth.
If you open your blabbermouth,
by the time you close it,
you will be a well-known
figure at the Russian front.
If you live.
Now, there is a sign posted
a half a mile from here,
"Blasting in Progress
for Construction."
I have checked with Berlin...
They know nothing about it,
which, of course,
means that it is top secret.
The sign has
obviously been put up
to make people think
that it is a civilian project.
Very clever of Berlin.
Oh, those devils...
always up to something.
You are talking about
Headquarters, Sergeant.
Oh, I didn't mean it that
way, Herr Kommandant.
Now, if the prisoners
ask any questions
about these explosions,
you know nothing.
You are ignorant.
Oh, I can handle that.
I know.
Dismissed.
Boy, that was a beaut.
Yeah, he... he loosened
one of my fillings.
Write to your prime minister.
You ordered soufflé for tonight?
What you will get
is upside-down cake.
That's two if you... Wait a
minute, I heard something.
Shh. Listen. You're
going round the bend...
Will you shut up and listen.
It's Carter! The tunnel.
- Newkirk, watch the door.
- Something's wrong!
Quick, get him out of there.
Come on, come on.
Put him here.
Can you hear me?
Hello, Mom.
The water.
LeBeau! I'm nervous.
Will you give it to him.
There. Feeling better?
Much better.
Not you. Him.
I'm fine now. I'm
okay. I'm just...
He's in great shape.
No, everything's
really fine, Colonel.
If I could just have a
couple of more shots.
A couple of more shots,
and we won't be here.
We could never get that
stuff to the bridge anyway,
even if you got it ready.
Shall I make some chow mein?
Watch out! Goons coming!
Hi, Schultz.
Hello, gentlemen!
Oh, it's our old pal, Schultz.
What is wrong with
Carter? He looks terrible.
Very sick. Oh?
One for Mommy.
And one for Daddy.
What is that? Medicine.
It's delicious... you want some?
Ugh! No.
We take him to the hospital.
Langenscheidt!
Hey, Schultz, what about
a game of cards, then?
Come on. Who, me?
You're a right old
wizard at poker, you are.
At poker I stink.
No need to get personal, now.
Hey, come on, Kinch, deal.
Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja.
Hmm. Auf Wiedersehen.
We still got to figure a way
to make more ammunition.
Well, I'm still willing
to try, Colonel.
Whose side are you on?
Pity we don't have
about 500 of these.
They'd make a lovely bomb.
Hey, Newkirk,
where'd you get these?
Schultz's cartridge
case... I pinched them
while I was giving
him that old jolly-up.
Bit of practice. You
get rusty, you know.
Oh, yeah. Why not?
Why not what, Colonel?
Blow up the Adolf Hitler Bridge
with their own ammunition.
It's a nice touch. Here.
All right, fellas, look at here.
This is where the Krauts
keep their ammunition,
in the ammunition room, right?
Now, we dig a right-angle
turn in tunnel number three,
and we surface in the middle
of all that beautiful gunpowder.
That's marvelous!
That's great. Wait a
minute, hold it, fellas.
Before you get too happy,
I got some bad news.
That last explosion collapsed
about 50 feet of tunnel three.
Oh, that's the clincher.
The way the Krauts
are watching us,
it'll take us a month
to clear that 50 feet.
Newkirk, can you pick a lock?
I find that question,
sir, highly insulting.
Sorry, old bean, I
should have known.
Gentlemen, I think
we're in business.
LeBeau, we can use all the paint
you have left over
from that sign job
and a couple of
paintbrushes, too.
Okay. What for?
Tonight we're going to
paint Klink into a corner.
"Hess...
is a mess."
"Himmler is a rat fink."
"Goering is a fat rat fink."
"Col. Klink...
is bucking for rat fink."
Oh, no!
Hogan, this time
you've gone too far.
Aw, come on, Colonel.
That's a boyish prank.
Ever since you closed
up the recreation hall,
they can't dance to their
Tommy Dorsey records.
Got to blow off steam somehow.
I'll send you to the
cooler, every one of you!
Temper, temper, Colonel.
Your men can paint
out those words
in a couple of hours.
My men? Your men!
They will paint this
entire building at once.
Then we'll talk about
punishment. Schultz!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Issue paints and brushes
to these assassins at once.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Now, wait a minute,
Colonel. I protest.
Prisoners of war
are not required
to do this kind of work.
We'll need a tarp... a big one.
And besides that,
it's against all the
rules of civilized warfare.
Need a couple
of ladders... tall.
Jawohl. One more
word out of you, Hogan,
and your men will
paint this building
for the entire war... in chains!
Newkirk, paint
the door trim, huh?
I'll have to go under
the tarp for that, sir.
I don't care how you do it.
Okay, Colonel.
Piece of cake.
LeBeau, get under the
tarp, work on the door.
Right, Colonel.
All right. Come on, fellas,
let's get this job done.
That job is going to
take much more time
than we thought, Colonel.
It's slow work.
All right, Newkirk.
Permission to go to the
hut for a minute, Schultz?
Jawohl.
Water the paint.
We need more time.
There is more traffic
here than downtown Berlin.
Paint fumes gather
underneath the tarp, Schultz.
They have to clear their heads.
I wish I had a
drugstore on this corner.
You ordered us to paint
the building. We painted it.
Colonel Hogan, this is
not what I had in mind.
I can still read those insults.
Now, you will paint it again,
and again, if necessary,
until those insulting
statements are gone.
Now, paint it!
All right, fellas, you
heard the Commandant.
Now, let's get it right.
No, no, no, no, no!
A pink building on a
military establishment?
Are you mad?
If you think I wouldn't turn you
over to the Gestapo,
you are sadly mistaken.
Come on, Colonel.
It's about time
we got a little
color in the war.
Everything's so drab.
Paint it again!
All right. So there won't
be any misunderstanding,
Carter, come here.
Carter was a decorator
before the war.
I've made up some
samples for you, sir.
What?
May I suggest Blue Lagoon?
Blue Lagoon?
It's so warm and friendly.
My wife loves Shocking Burgundy.
Shocking Burgundy?
I'm a little partial to
chartreuse, myself.
Well, after all, you
are an officer, sir.
Paint it as all the
other buildings. Schnell!
No imagination.
All we have to do is
set this timer, and boom!
Hello, Adolf?
Did you see a bridge
go by at 5,000 feet?
Ja? Well, it had your
name on it, mate!
Fine. We have the bomb.
Now, how do we get it there?
I'm glad you asked
that, my friend.
Might I have your
attention, please?
Here is Braunstadt and
the bridge, and here we are.
Every day, the Division
messenger comes in here
to pick up the mail and,
like a good little Kraut,
he goes back across the
bridge on his little motorcycle.
Tomorrow, there's going
to be a little extra package
in his little sidecar... without
him knowing, of course. Cute?
Cute. Cute.
Well, how can we be exact
about setting the timer?
All rear echelon
drivers have orders
not to exceed 40 miles an hour.
Right. So all we have to
do is measure the distance
from here to the bridge
at 40 miles an hour,
and then set the
timer so that it blows up
while he's crossing the bridge.
My son the mathematician.
What are you doing, eh?
Oh, I was admiring
your motor, that's all.
Get off.
Hey, you know, I had
a motorcycle at home?
I said, get away!
You... You push me,
I push you right back.
Wait. Wait a minute.
Maybe I don't push you back.
Bon voyage!
I wonder
what the new messenger's
going to be like.
What are you doing?
Very nasty bit of work,
that courier, Schultz.
You're telling me?
I asked him to take one pound
of coffee to my
wife in Dusseldorf.
He charged me ten
marks for that little detour.
Dusseldorf?
A detour?
Oops.
Now, according to my figures,
it's, uh, roughly 20 minutes
before he reaches
the crossroads here.
The road to the
left is Dusseldorf,
to the right Braunstadt
and the bridge, huh?
Yeah, and, according
to the information
that we pumped out of Schultz,
they've got three
sentries posted
between here and Braunstadt.
They're numbered,
uh, five, seven and nine.
All connected by
phone. Yes, Colonel.
The Krauts use them
for setting up roadblocks.
Now, Number Nine is closest
to the crossroads. Here.
That's the one we try for.
If Kinch is right,
we have exactly 18 minutes
before that bomb blows.
Start sweating.
And that's an order.
So, your men were
going to try to bribe me.
Me.
Afraid so, sir.
Indeed.
Fraulein Helga, come in here
with your notebook at once.
Bribery, huh?
This will go down in
the record for Berlin.
Now, Fraulein Helga, I want
you to take down everything
that is said in this
office, verbatim.
Jawohl, Herr Colonel.
All right, Colonel,
now just what exactly
did your men do, huh?
Well, they gave the
Division Messenger money
to pick up a case
of your favorite wine
in Dusseldorf.
They figured the
bribe, or the gift,
would make you reopen
the recreation hall.
And they keep saying,
there's a lot of human
being in Colonel Klink.
Those fools.
I told them they were wrong.
A bribe, huh?
I will throw them
in the cooler for life.
Even after the war.
Even if we lose.
Schultz, arrest the
Division Messenger
the moment he sets
foot in this camp again.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
I must say
you're the most secure
officer I've ever met.
What do you mean?
Well, the Division
Messenger goes to Dusseldorf,
stops at a bar for a drink,
starts bragging about the bribe,
the Gestapo overhears.
My hat's off to you, sir.
I mean, do you care
if they need officers
at the Russian Front? No, sir.
That's enough.
Get me the Division
Messenger on the road
to Braunstadt at once.
Sentry Post Number Nine.
Ring Sentry Post Number Nine.
There goes my pound of coffee.
Don't put that down, baby.
Schultz, stop muttering.
The Recreation Hall, huh?
I shall personally
smash their Tommy Dorsey records
in front of their eyes.
Oh, come on, Colonel...
And their Jimmy Dorsey records.
Also the Andrews Sisters.
Hello?
This is Colonel
Klink, Luft Stalag 13.
What?
Oh, yes, yes, yes. Heil Hitler.
Has the Division Messenger
passed your way yet?
He hasn't?
Good. Now listen carefully.
He is not to go to Dusseldorf
for any reason whatsoever.
He must proceed
on his regular route.
To Braunstadt across the bridge.
To Braunstadt across the bridge.
Understood?
Understood.
Now you're to telephone me
and confirm.
If these orders
are not carried out,
you and the messenger
will be court-martialed,
shot and sent to
the Russian Front.
That's all.
What?
Oh, yes, of course. Heil Hitler.
Did, uh, you say something
while I was talking
on the phone?
Me? No, sir.
Schultz,
you're muttering again.
All right, now we shall all wait
until the sentry calls us back.
And then you will watch me
throw your men into the
cooler with my own hands.
And you can put
cooler in capital letters.
And if I find any
Bing Crosby records,
I smash them, too.
Herr Kommandant,
that was the worst.
It's that construction work.
I wish they'd finish.
I'm getting sick of this.
I don't think there are going
to be any more
explosions, Colonel.
And how do you know, may I ask?
Just a wild guess.
And the source of the
mysterious explosion
that destroyed the bridge
is being investigated.
Good luck, Charlie.
In the meantime,
I am calling for volunteers
to help rebuild the
Adolf Hitler Bridge.
Oh, pipe down, pipe down.
Colonel, I volunteer
the services
of my command.
Pipe down, pipe down.
Thank you, Colonel, thank you.
Provided the recreation
hall is reopened
and all past
offenses are excused.
Request granted.
Dismissed.
Shh.
All right, all right.
We're going to
rebuild the bridge
with a very special feature.
What do you mean by that?
It's going to be the
only bridge in the world
with a built-in bomb.