Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 10 - Top Hat, White Tie and Bomb Sights - full transcript

CBS presents this
program in color.

London's going to
transmit in two minutes.

Schultz will be here
for the bed check.

You know what to do, LeBeau.

Ready for him, Colonel.

Great.

Guten Abend, Schultz.

LeBeau, you should be in bed.

Everybody should be asleep

so that I can
count the... strudel.

Real, live strudel.



I made some extra. Go ahead.

You are a wonderful
person for an enemy.

Mmm! Wunderbar!

It sings, eh, Schultz?

Ja. Now it sings.

Later on, it growls.

Does your wife
ever make strudel?

Oh, please. Don't
mention my wife,

not even in the dark.

Why? She doesn't cook very good?

Since the war, she works
in a munitions factory,

lifting up big,
heavy gun barrels.

Hey, that's a hard job.

Ja. If they ever find
out that she is a woman,



they'll fire her.

Now I have to check the beds.

Have more strudel.

Danke.

Good night.

Wait. Wait. I have
to check the beds.

Everybody is here.

How do you know?

I counted them myself.

Why do it twice?

You're not only a good
cook, you're also smart.

What's the flap, Colonel?

Uh... "Top secret. Urgent.
Immediate action. Priority one."

You think they're trying
to tell us something?

"Lost contact with Agent Willie,

"waiter at Hausner
Hof Hotel in Hamilburg.

"Regular channels too risky.

"Message for Willie: Cancel
weapons drop scheduled for 17th.

"Trap suspected.

Extreme danger to
valuable underground unit."

Well, how are you supposed
to know this guy Willie?

Recognition code.

"Do you know 'Lili Marlene'?"

The answer has to be, "Yes.
Can you spare a cigarette?"

Well, who you going
to send, Colonel?

Me. I'll go out through the
emergency tunnel tomorrow night.

Kinch, I want you
to code this message

and put it in a cigarette pack.

Newkirk, what about a
civilian suit this time for me?

Righto, Guvnor. You got it.

Good. "Civilian."
What a beautiful word.

Next to "girls."

Colonel, don't you ever think

about anything else but dames?

Of course I do, but I fight it.

Another 30 feet, and they'll
cross the emergency tunnel.

What's their ruddy game?

We tried asking the
Krauts, but no luck.

What about Schultz?

He won't talk.

Not even to me,

and I got him hooked
on apple strudel.

What's taking so long here?

I don't know.

Blimey, it's cold!

It sure is. My nose
is about to fall off.

Wouldn't hurt your
appearance a bit.

Might help, as a matter of fact,

Hey, Schultz, let's get
this show on the road.

What's the delay?

I know nothing. Nothing!

Report!

Herr Kommandant, all
present and accounted for.

Good.

Now, gentlemen, I have
ordered this formation

for the purpose
of telling you...

Colonel, I'd like to
volunteer my command

for work on the
construction outside the wire.

How very kind of
you, Colonel Hogan.

Do some useful work and find
out exactly what we are doing there.

Am I correct?

Well, it did cross my mind.

Of course. But that
won't be necessary.

I have called this formation

for the purpose of telling
you what is happening.

Now, prisoners, I
wish to inform you

that the wire surrounding
this camp is being electrified.

He can't do that. Electrified?

That's not so amusing, huh?

The perimeter wire and the
gates will carry enough voltage

to electrocute
anyone who touches it.

Now, let a word to
the wise be sufficient.

Stalag 13 remains escape-proof.

Thank you, Mr. Wonderful.

Dismissed!

Electrified fence?
That's terrible!

Another first for Stalag 13.

Well, at least now we can
get fried without drinking.

You won't be able to use that
emergency tunnel now, Colonel.

Sure, he will.

They're not digging
deep enough to find it.

Yeah, but they'll be
guarding their equipment.

I'll have to get out
some other way.

Carter, check out here.

There's nothing out here.

Well, my office is
bugged, all right.

They must have done it
when they electrified the fence.

And while we were
out there on formation.

Yeah. Klink figures we do

all our escape
planning in my office.

Shall we tear out
those microphones?

No. Hold it a minute.

Maybe we'll be able to use
them to our own advantage.

Gentlemen, Stalag
13 Theater of the Air

is about to have
its world premiere.

Come in.

Evening, Colonel.

Hi, Colonel.

Good evening, Colonel.

Colonel, we'd like
a word with you.

Okay. Sit down, men.

Here. I'll just put away
my German grammar book.

Beautiful language.

What's on your minds?

Sir, we have an escape plan.

We want your approval.

It's absolutely foolproof.

There's not a
chance it can fail.

It's 100% perfect in
every respect. Can't miss.

It may even work.

Of course it will work,
if it's properly exe...

cuted. Executed.

Yeah, yeah, uh...
look, I'm not in favor

of escape attempts at this time.

With his usual
brilliant efficiency,

Colonel Klink is
electrifying the wire.

I can short out the wire.

And then we put a
ladder up against it

and go over, any dark night.

And we're away.

LeBEAU: Yeah. That'll
show the lousy Krauts.

Corporal, I wish you
wouldn't use that language.

And why not, may I ask?

They are pigs,
animals, brutes...

The lowest form
of life on earth.

Sure, but how do you
really feel about them?

Deep down,

don't you have a
sneaking admiration

for the way they
conduct themselves?

There's a very good chance
they're going to win the war.

Never thought I'd hear
you talk like that, sir.

Colonel, are you going
soft on the Krauts?

Let's just say that
I'm being realistic.

Oh, LeBeau, I brought
your... your plate back.

Okay, Schultz.

Oh, it was delicious.

But you know what happened?

Klink saw me eat the strudel.

He almost killed me.

Oh, he is a devil.

He's a devil, all right,

but the most lovable
devil in Germany today.

When he saw me eat the
strudel, you know what he did?

He canceled my next leave.

But he was absolutely right!

I deserve it.

Oh, Kommandant Klink
is like a father to me.

Well, I see you later.

Obey the rules,

or I have to do my
duty, and report you!

Bye. Bye.

Colonel, what about
our escape plan?

I'll think it over.

But don't get your
hopes too high.

All right, dismissed!

Yes, Herr General, a
definite pro-German attitude.

He even refuses an escape plan.

It's all in the
recording that I made.

What's that, sir?

Oh, I had his quarters bugged.

It's part of my new
electrification program.

Oh, we are on the
ball here at Stalag 13.

Get off the ball and go to work?

Yes, indeed, sir.

What are your
orders, Herr General?

Play up to Hogan?

Oh, I see.

Make life easier, and
don't be too obvious.

Well, you know me when
it comes to being subtle.

Yes, we can discuss
that at another time.

I will follow your orders,
Herr General, and report.

Thank you, General Burkhalter.

Now, take the pillows
and put it on the bed.

And you take this
and put it over there.

Schultz, what's going on?

Our beloved and
wonderful Kommandant

wants you to be as
comfortable as possible.

That's very kind
of him, Schultz.

He is a wonderful,
beloved Kommandant.

Something wrong?

Take this and
get it autographed.

Well, Colonel
Hogan, here we are,

you and I having a
little kaffeeklatsch,

talking things over.

Now, you must confess,

I am not the worst
man in Germany, am I?

Well, I don't know everybody.

Actually, Commandant,
I understand you

a lot better than you think.

Really?

Not many people know this

but, originally, my
name was Hoganmueller.

Hoganmueller?

Remarkable!

You're one of us?

From way back.

That makes a big difference.

Well, frankly, Colonel Hogan,

I would like to improve
our relationship even more.

Tell me, what is it you
would like most in this world?

Hmm... let me think.

You can't make up your mind?

I know what I want. It's a
question: blonde or brunette?

What a marvelous
German-American sense of humor.

Seriously, Commandant,
there is one thing.

I'm getting a little rock happy.

Would it be possible to
go into town some night

and have dinner
at the Hausner Hof?

Unfortunately, that's
against regulations.

Oh, of course.

Forget it.

No harm in trying.

I'd better be running along.

I've had a lovely
time at your party.

And tomorrow again?

Why not? Unless I sleep late.

Good.

Tell me, Hogan,

is there anything special

you would like for breakfast?

Yeah. I'm very fond of crumpets,

but don't go to any trouble,

like capturing England.

Roll out the barrel ♪

♪ We've got the
blues on the run... ♪

Hey, knock it off,
knock it off, will you?

Hey, Colonel, tell the Glee Club

to knock it off, please...
We want to talk to you.

Oh, really?

♪ Now's the time to
the roll the barrel ♪

♪ For the gang's all here ♪

All right, all right, hold
it down a minute, fellas.

What's the problem?

We called this meeting, sir,

'cause we got the
needle about you.

What does that mean?

You've been having breakfast

with Klink every morning.

Why, he's done over your room.

And you've been studying German.

You even asked for
Hitler's autograph.

Are those eagles on your
shoulders or vultures, sir?

Wait a minute, where do you
come off talking to me like that?

This is the first time my loyalty
has ever been questioned.

Whose side are you on?

Let me tell you
guys a few things.

When I was a captain
at Mitchell Field,

they gave me top
security clearance.

I was the man who
helped them test

the famous secret Norden...

♪ Zing ♪

♪ Boom, tararrel ♪
Norden Bomb Sight?!

♪ Ring out a song of good
cheer ♪ Stop that singing!

♪ Now's the time ♪

♪ To roll the barrel ♪

♪ For the gang's all here... ♪

Hold it, hold it.

That's what the army
thought of my loyalty.

How do we know
that's the truth, sir?

You still doubt me, huh?

All right, I'll describe it.

The Norden works on
the synchro-mesh principle

and has a 4.2
interlocking... ♪ Zing ♪

♪ Boom, tarrarel ♪
Quiet! More details!

And that's what accounts
for its tremendous accuracy.

The Norden is the only
invention of its kind in the world,

that utilizes its own power,

which in turn, as we all know...

♪ We got the blues on the run ♪

for the last time,
it makes it possible

to isolate the smallest objects
at a considerable distance.

♪ Now's the time
to roll the barrel ♪

♪ For the gang's ♪

♪ All ♪

♪ Here! ♪

Yahoo! Yahoo!

No question about
it, Herr General,

it is the Norden Bomb Sight.

What's that, sir?

Yes, I believe he
would give us the plans.

I have been cultivating him,

and through very
clever investigation

have found out that he
has a German background.

His real name is Hoganmueller.

Sir, no, I cannot reveal
that source, even to you.

Yes, it would be an excellent
idea if you came here.

It would impress Hogan.

Yes, sir, I will make all the
necessary arrangements.

By the way, General,
when you come here,

I have a little
surprise for you.

Yes, sir!

Herr Commandant,
General Burkhalter

passed through
Hamilburg ten minutes ago.

Good, he will be
here any minute now.

The control switch.

Wait. Stop it.

Stop it! Stop the car!

Welcome, Herr General.

Oh, I stopped the car
because I want to show you

the little surprise I mentioned
to you on the phone.

Herr General, my
escape-proof gates.

These are foolproof,
and they work perfectly.

That's a mistake, sir.

Schultz, the controls!

General Burkhalter,

that idiot, Schultz!

Dummkopf!

I assure you...

Here, here, let
me help you up...

It will not happen again.

You know, I think I
saw this act once...

At the circus.

Judging by that recording,

there's hardly any question Hogan
knows the Norden Bomb Sight.

You can see, Herr General,

that we are doing
excellent work here.

Ja? Like those gates?

That was just a
malfunction, sir.

Be careful I don't malfunction
you right to the Russian front.

But is Hogan ready to
tell us about the Norden?

I have been working
on him, Herr General.

Even if I say so myself,

when I turn on the charm,

I can be irresistible.

I have never had any
trouble resisting you.

Very good, sir.

I have ordered one of
our engineering specialists,

Major Klopfer, to come here.

He will arrive tonight.

Yes, sir.

Now, let me see what we
can do with Colonel Hogan.

I will have him brought here.

We will start strenuous
interrogation at once.

Klink, you're not
only irresistible,

but you're also very subtle.

Thank you, sir.

Like a broken leg.

Hogan requires very
delicate handling.

Tell me, is there anything
particularly he wants?

Um, let me see. Oh, yes.

He expressed a desire to go
into town some evening for dinner

at one of the local
hotels, the Hausner Hof.

That's something to go on.

Arrange a little party.

That is exactly what I
was thinking, Herr General.

Good food and enough
wine to make him talkative.

And perhaps even some
charming feminine company.

That is an excellent idea.

By the way, I have this
young lady friend, Gretchen.

I met her at the Strength
Through Joy picnic...

Please.

Spare me the details.

Just arrange the party.

And have him wear
one of our uniforms.

It's good psychologically.

Yes, Herr General.

Now, let me tell
you about this lady...

And then I said, "If you
don't mind, mein Fuhrer,

this year I will take my
vacation in England."

The general is a
very amusing man.

A barrel of laughs.

There's also a
physical resemblance.

Colonel, you are the
funniest man I have ever met.

What's the matter with me?

Would you like
us to make a list?

Waiter! More
champagne for everybody.

Jawohl, Herr General.

Oh. Oh, thank you.

By the way, uh, do
you know Lili Marlene?

No, but I'll ask the
orchestra leader.

Forget it.

Gretchen, my dear,
would you care to dance?

I'm sorry, Liebchen,

I'm a little tired tonight.

It's been years since
I've done any dancing.

I thought you
would never ask me.

Either you've got
it or you haven't.

Careful, honey, you're
gonna melt Klink's monocle.

You dance very well, Colonel.

Thank you. I used to take
notes at Fred Astaire movies.

Hogan is having a good time.

Yes, with my girl.

Either you've got
it or you haven't.

Very good, Herr General.

I'm afraid I do not
appreciate that humor.

Colonel, may I remind you

that we are here
on official business?

Official business, yes.

Monkey business, no!

Excuse me, do you
happen to know Lili Marlene?

Is that made with
gin or whiskey?

Thank you and good night.

You seem to be very
interested in this Lili Marlene.

I'm taking a survey.

If he continues to
dance, he'll stay sober.

Yes, you may be right.

I'm going to cut in.

And then perhaps
you can talk to him.

May I? Oh, by all means.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, my dear.

Well, it's her fault for
having a leg on that side.

You and the colonel seem to
have something in common.

You mean Gretchen?

Good kid. Good
little dancer, too.

Isn't there something more?

Come on, General,
I just met the girl.

No, no, I mean you and Klink

see things eye to
eye the German way.

I try to be realistic.

Excellent attitude.

I take it you like to
be on the winning side.

General, what's on your mind?

I mean, besides Elsa?

Cards on the table,
hmm? All right.

We're interested in the Norden.

Oh, that old thing? Is that all?

Excuse me.

Gretchen wants to be rescued.

May I?

Yes, Herr General?

I think your Colonel
Hogan is ready to talk.

Oh, that's wonderful, sir.

Call the camp and tell Major
Klopfer to stand by. Yes, sir.

Oh, Colonel, how is it your girl

has been dancing with
the American all evening?

Oh, shut up.

Honey, why don't you
go back to the table.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Something is wrong?

I want to say hello to
an old friend... I hope.

Don't be long. I will miss you.

Uh, excuse me. Yes, sir?

Do you know Lili Marlene?

Yes. Yes.

This was made for you, my dear.

Do you know Lili Marlene? Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, can you spare a cigarette?

Here. Keep the pack. Yes, sir.

Don't forget to
read it. Yes, sir.

You're all right.

I like a spy with
nerves of steel.

Now, the main thing about
the Norden is its compactness.

Practical, you mean,
huh? Extremely.

Go on.

You'll notice the
handle is curved...

for easier control.

The start button
located right there.

Now, what is the power source?

Electrical. It derives from a
lightweight, compact motor

located right about... here.

Am I to understand that a
Norden is completely portable?

It weighs only
about seven pounds.

Seven pounds? Amazing.

That's amazing!

Now, about the aiming mechanism.

Aiming mechanism?
Doesn't have one.

It must utilize an entirely
revolutionary principle.

There's nothing
revolutionary about it.

Here... let me show you
one of the other major parts.

This, gentlemen...

is the dust bag.

It's located right
under the handle.

Dust bag?

Great suction, too... pull the
teeth right out of your mouth.

General!

This man is describing
a vacuum cleaner,

not a bomb sight.

What?!

A vacuum cleaner?

Norden makes one of the greatest
vacuum cleaners in the world.

Congratulations, Klink,
you've done it again!

But you said that
you tested the Norden.

I had one in my room at
the base where I trained.

We wined you and dined you, and
now you're describing a vacuum cleaner!

You asked me, remember?

You're going to get me
into a lot of trouble for this.

Besides that, you still owe me
500 marks for the champagne alone!

Forget it. Forget it, he says.

Of course, what good is money
gonna do you at the Russian front?

Raus, raus, raus,
heraus, heraus, heraus.

All done, Herr Kommandant.

Very good, Schultz.

Now, Hogan, General
Burkhalter was kind enough

to forget the whole matter,

but I am going to teach you...

Just one minute, Kommandant.

One more... thing.

This... and these.

You better take them along.

I wouldn't want to
hurt your feelings.

Hurt my feelings?

I may talk about
Gretchen in my sleep.