Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 11 - Happiness Is a Warm Sergeant - full transcript
After Klink finds Sergeant Schultz drunk he gets a tough new replacement.
CBS presents this
program in color.
Well, howdy, friend.
Shh!
Howdy, monsieur.
Jeb Winslow, Captain,
4l9th Fighter Squadron.
I'm an American.
Oh, really?
Corporal LeBeau, Stalag 13.
You from that big old
ugly prison camp yonder?
Yes, sir.
We had a message
from the underground.
You got shot down
near Dusseldorf?
Some Kraut on the
ground got my gas tank.
I was coming down real fast,
just like a great big
bare-faced vulture,
strafing a train, when
all of a sudden that...
Shh!
Hey, Capitaine, is this
going to be a long story?
Huh?
Colonel Hogan
is waiting for you.
Oh, okay, Shorty.
Lead the way.
All right, let's go.
Ooh-wee.
Imagine sneaking
into a prison camp
just so you can sneak out again.
C'est la guerre, uh?
Hold on. That's French.
I reckon so, stranger.
Well, howdy.
How'd you get him
through the tunnel?
Did you come by plane or horse?
Oh, these here are my
good luck flying clothes.
Yeah, well if Sitting Bull
gets in the war,
you'll be all set.
Uh, excuse me.
You're the first Texan
I've ever seen
outside the cinema.
It's quite a shock, you know.
Hey, Captain, how many
planes you shoot down?
Oh, nine for dang sure.
Three or four maybes.
Hey, why don't we all go home
and let him finish
the war by himself.
Hey, uh, Colonel,
how soon you reckon
I could get back to my squadron?
Our radio man is making contact
with a sub patrolling
off the coast right now.
Well, how about that?
They'll arrange a
rendezvous point
and pick you up in 48 hours.
No, he won't.
We had a short, blew
out half the equipment.
We can't send or receive.
How long to fix it?
It's impossible.
We need new parts.
All right, we'll get them
for you... make a list.
Got it right here.
You're all going
to get radio parts
in the middle of Germany
with a big old war going on?
We got a contact in town...
Bartender at the local hotel.
Fellas, I'm going
to need a volunteer
to go into town
to see the dentist.
Hmm, I see, another
stampede, huh?
I'm sorry, I can only
accept one volunteer.
Sir, I...
Thank you, Newkirk.
No, I was only going
to suggest Carter.
Oh, thanks, pal.
Nurse, will you assist him?
Yes, sir.
Now, if you'll please open wide?
Open wide, please.
This won't hurt.
This won't hurt.
Cotton. Cotton.
There you are.
Now have a toothache,
and that's an order.
Herr Kommandant, here they are.
I will finish dictating
those reports later,
Fraulein Helga.
Very good, Herr Colonel.
You look beautiful today, baby.
Schultz!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Now, Colonel Hogan,
a toothache, huh?
Your men seem to have
a lot of dental trouble lately.
I think it's the sawdust
in the bread, sir,
but I guess if you want to
make money on supplies,
you've got to do that.
Who told you that we put sawdust
in the prisoners' bread?
A little bird told me.
That little bird
may soon be flying
off to the Russian front.
I said nothing, Herr
Kommandant, nothing.
Does it hurt?
Oh, the pain is terrible.
Let him speak for himself.
That's plain enough for anybody.
Now, how did I know this
is a genuine toothache?
Open your mouth.
Ah-ha, mouth
stuffed with cotton.
That's to keep the tooth warm.
Why, of course.
Don't you give me any
credit for having any brains.
I refuse to answer
on the grounds that
I might tell the truth.
Schultz!
If I agree to let him
go to the dentist,
what guarantee do I have
that he will not try to escape.
You have my word.
He agrees.
I heard him.
All right.
I'll give him a pass.
Now, Schultz, you take him
straight to the
dentist in Hamilburg
and then straight back here
without any detours, understood?
Understood, Herr Kommandant.
And you will stay
with him at all times,
even while the
dentist treats him.
Sir, the dentist
might pull his tooth.
So?
I can't stand the
sight of blood.
Imbecile!
How did you ever get
into the German army?
I think he lied
about his weight.
No, no.
The order was
straight to the dentist
and then straight back home.
Schultz, you can't deny a man
a bit of schnapps before
a visit to the dentist.
It's inhuman.
Look, one drink.
One drink, now, come on.
You'll have a beer.
Ein bier.
Yes, sir.
And I'll have a wee
drop of whiskey.
Now don't worry. Don't worry.
All right.
Hello, chum.
Wie gehts and all that.
Oh, that's that lovely
tub of beer for my friend.
A wee drop of
whiskey for me, please.
Whiskey, sir. Yes.
The good stuff, right.
Radio parts.
We need them right away.
Here we go then.
Ooh, this stuff looks
good enough to drink.
Ah... prosit.
Well, if you say so.
Ah...
Oh, this is good, strong beer.
Nothing too good for
our boys in uniform.
Is that an officer back there?
Where?
I see nothing.
It's my mistake.
I'm a bit jumpy, I guess.
Oh, don't scare me like that.
Prosit.
Prosit.
Excuse me, sir.
What time does this
train get to Dusseldorf?
I'll let you know.
Thank you very much, sir.
Ah...
Very good beer in this place,
but the glasses are terrible.
Thanks, chum.
Lend us a hand, will you?
Come on, Schultz.
Come on, the party's over.
Look alive, now.
You go to the dentist.
I wait for you here.
Been to the dentist. Look, look.
The swelling, it's gone.
Now, come on.
Send the bill to Klink.
Big shot, Klink.
Blimey, he's a load.
I may have to roll
him back to camp.
Hey, was ist los?
Open up. Open up. Schnell.
Hello, Hans.
We went to the dentist.
We had a marvelous time.
You want Klink on us?
Ah, Kommandant
Klink, Mr. Big Shot.
Stop that. Stop that.
Stop that flipping noise.
If Klink hears us,
he'll make all kinds of
trouble for you tomorrow.
Shh.
Sergeant Schultz!
Well, here it is tomorrow.
Hello, Big Shot.
I mean jawohl,
Kommandant Big Shot.
I mean, uh... forget it.
Anything wrong?
Never mind, Hogan.
I thought one of my men
might be in trouble, sir,
but I can see it's one of yours.
Oh, this man
is obviously not well, sir.
Careful of the fumes, sir.
On your feet, Dummkopf.
Request permission to fall
flat on my face if necessary.
Seven hours ago you left
this camp to go to the dentist.
Seven hours at the dentist?
It was a very big tooth, sir.
Silence.
Now a prisoner has to
bring you back... drunk.
Well, at least Newkirk is sober.
Yes, sir. Pity, ain't it?
I will be sober
by tomorrow, sir.
Oh, yes, Schultz.
You will also walk a
guard post outside the wire,
back and forth, where
it's cold and lonely.
But that will only be temporary.
Thank you, sir.
Until the sergeant
who replaces you
arrives from headquarters.
And then our
favorite drunken fool
will be transferred
to the command
of some other lucky officer.
Ach du lieber.
He's gone now, Schultz.
It's okay to fall on your face.
Ach du lieber.
♪ Ach du lieber... ♪
Old Schultz is really
suffering out there.
He looks like a Zeppelin
with empty gas bags.
I talked to him
a little while ago.
All he said was, "Mein
feet are killing me."
Colonel, do you think Klink
will really transfer him out?
I hope not.
It took a long time
to train Schultz.
He sits up and
begs for my strudel.
Yeah?
Who's this?
Herr Kommandant,
Sergeant Ernst Krebs
reporting for duty
as ordered, sir!
At ease, Sergeant.
There's your answer.
That's Schultz's replacement.
He barks like a ruddy seal.
Yeah, he looks very G.I. to me.
Let's find out.
Try him on for size, Carter,
but take it easy.
Okay.
Things run very smoothly
here, Sergeant.
We have never even had
an escape at Stalag 13.
Hiya, Colonel. How's the boy?
Halt!
Is that the way you talk
to the commanding officer,
"How's the boy?"
Well, see, we're old friends...
Come to attention!
Eyes front.
Salute.
Carter, this is a new broom.
Well, sir...
Do as he says, or this new broom
will sweep you
right into the cooler.
Yes, sir.
Sergeant Krebs, follow me.
Three days before we can
get a message to London, sir?
That's about the size of it.
Close it up down there.
We got bigger troubles anyway.
This new Sergeant
is a bloodhound.
If we lose Schultz
and get stuck with him
our whole operation
could be out of business.
Well, maybe we can
tame him if he likes strudel.
Come on, it took us six months
to get Schultz to
look the other way.
And he's got no
character at all.
Watch it, somebody's coming.
Scramble.
Hi, Schultz.
How are you?
Eight hours I walked today.
Come on, sit down,
Schultz, rest your bones.
Oh. Aw.
You all pooped out, huh?
Oh, I'm double pooped out.
I'm going to be pooped
out for the rest of my life.
And tomorrow I
have to walk again.
Oh, tough go, Schultz.
LeBeau, please, could I have
some of the foot powder
the Red Cross gave you?
Sure.
One thing I don't understand...
How could I get so drunk
on one glass of beer?
Never drink on an
empty stomach, Schultz.
You call this empty?
Cheer, up, Schultz.
Maybe they'll send
you to a good post.
Or maybe they're going to
send me to the Russian Front.
If they transfer
you close to home,
you'll be able to see
your wife more often.
All of a sudden the Russian
Front sounds very good.
Any of you fellas got a
cigarette for a buddy?
Yeah, here, old buddy.
Light?
Oh, here, here.
Well, I'll see you
men all later, huh?
Hold it. Hold it.
Who is this?
Captain Jeb Winslow.
Guten abend, buddy.
Nice to meet you.
Well, auf Wiedersehen, y'all.
Halt. Hold it.
Schultz, what about
another cup of coffee.
Go away.
A nice cup of foot powder?
Ah-ha, Winslow.
He was never on the roll call.
Schultz, he's only
passing through.
Ah-ha, a spy.
In uniform?
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
There was a plane shot down
near Dusseldorf the other day.
They got my gas tank.
I was coming for
a strafing real...
All right, Captain, pipe down.
This is my lucky break.
How do you figure that?
Well, if I turn him in to Klink,
he's going to tear up
my transfer papers.
Good thinking, Schultz.
Yeah, my feet might be
dead, but not my brain.
Fine, and when Klink
starts to figure out
how he got into camp while
you were Sergeant of the Guard,
you get a chance to
use your brain again...
At your court-martial.
Please, don't confuse me.
Face it, buddy,
you're up the creek.
No matter what I
do, I cannot be smart.
But I have to turn him in.
Go, go, go.
Schultz, we'll work
a deal with you.
Forget you saw him,
and we'll get rid
of Sergeant Krebs.
That way Klink will
have to keep you.
How can you do that?
We'll think of something.
But, but, but...
Klink already signed
my transfer papers.
Corporal Langenscheidt told me.
He signed them, but
they never left camp.
How do you know?
Mm-hmm.
"Name:
"Schultz, Hans.
Rank: sergeant, grade one..."
Radio? You found a radio?
That's against regulations.
Shh. I wouldn't tell you this,
except you're a new man,
and I'd like to see you
make a few points with Klink.
Where is this radio?
Yeah...
Homemade.
That's the best kind.
Somebody will get
the cooler for this.
It works on a battery.
Very clever.
Klink will love you for this.
Sehr gut.
I won't forget it.
I know you won't... pal.
So, our new broom,
Sergeant Krebs, sweeps again.
Danke, Herr Kommandant. I try.
I shall start an
investigation right away.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Obviously homemade.
It is amazing to me
how ingenious these
prisoners can be when they try.
Jawohl, that is true, sir.
Yes...
very ingenious.
Hello. Hello, Colonel.
Can you hear me?
Hello. Colonel Hogan.
This is Kinch.
Can you read me?
Hello, Colonel.
If you can hear me,
the tunnel is too
near the surface.
Hello, Colonel.
Colonel. Hello.
Are you sure this is
the spot, Sergeant?
Ja, Herr Kommandant.
He was talking to
someone under the ground.
Incredible. Simply incredible.
Kommandant...
step over here.
You can still see his
handprints in the dirt.
Ah-ha, now we're
getting somewhere.
Confirm pickup
point M-12, 48 hours.
Well, the Lone Ranger's going
home to his squadron, men.
How do we get him
out of camp, Colonel?
The emergency tunnel.
With Sergeant Krebs on
our backs every minute?
Mm-hmm.
Yes, what do we do about him?
Every night he
does a little listening
outside the windows, right?
Tonight he's going
to hear something,
and then we'll be on
his back for a change.
Hey, Newkirk, I just
spoke to the colonel.
What's up?
LeBEAU: Tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night? Where?
LeBEAU: From here.
Let me see if
I've got that right.
Tomorrow night from here?
Hi, fellas. What's cooking?
Shh. Shh.
LeBeau just got the
word. Tomorrow night.
No kidding? Tomorrow night?
LeBEAU: From here.
No kidding?
Tomorrow night? From here?
Check.
Check.
Check.
Check.
Guten tag.
Oh, hi, Sarge.
Hey, listen, I'm really
sorry about that trick radio.
Why, the guys really
pulled a fast one on me.
Ja, ja, well, I give you chance
to make up for that.
I, uh... I need
some information.
What do you mean?
I've heard a rumor
there is something
on for tonight.
Do you know anything about this?
You mean like an escape?
Possibly.
Where do you come off
asking me a question like that?
Just because I
turned a radio in,
don't think I'm going
to rat on my buddies.
Now, you get this straight, pal,
I'm no fink and
don't ever forget it.
Take it easy.
What a nerve.
Oh, by the way, Sarge,
if I don't ever see
you again after tonight,
it's been a real
pleasure knowing you.
He's posting the guard.
All right, he'll be
here in a minute.
He'll stick with us,
you can bet on that.
Everybody got the plan straight?
Yeah, the captain gets
in the tunnel and waits.
As soon as the alarm goes,
I guide him through
to the woods.
Right. Now make sure
Krebs is out of the way
before you move.
Carter, you and
LeBeau get in my office
as soon as you can.
We'll use the window
to get out. Right.
Ah-ha. I'm going back
to little old England.
And next time you're captured,
find yourself another POW camp.
He made me barbecue
K rations for him.
Americans.
He's moving this way.
All right, Lone Ranger,
hide in the tunnel.
Hi-ho, Silver.
Newkirk, get started.
Right.
Now, let me show you a trick.
All right.
This one is always
a crowd pleaser.
Take a card.
Guten abend, gentlemen.
Put it back. I
don't want to see it.
I don't want to see it. Okay.
All right? Yeah.
Very quiet this evening, huh?
Right. Go ahead.
Oh, that's fabulous.
How do you do it?
Evening. Evening.
Oh, that's great.
Oh, how's that...?
Hello, hello, hello, hello.
I thought there was one missing.
That's too much! Too much!
I tell you, this man's a
walking deck of cards.
Can you believe it?
Let me show you.
You'll like this trick.
Do that again.
Come here. Now watch this.
I want you to take
any card at all.
Come here, any card at all.
Any card.
Don't let me see it.
I don't want to see it, right.
Right, put it back, put it back.
I put it back.
Just remember
it, right, put it back.
Mix them up. There you go.
I'm going to think of that card.
Think of that card. Right.
Cut 'em once.
That's your card, isn't it?
Listen, there must
be a trick to that, huh?
Oh, I never said there
wasn't a trick to it, did I?
Do it again.
Was it the eight of diamonds?
Ja, it was the
eight of diamonds.
Isn't that fantastic?
Do it... do it
again. Do it again.
Do it again.
Okay, all right.
You have nothing up your...?
Halt.
Hold it, Schultz, it's only us.
What are you doing here?
We're escaping, buddy.
And you're going to catch us.
I am?
Then Klink forgets the
transfer, and you're a big shot.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Start
yelling, Schultz, for the dogs.
No, no, no.
With my luck, nothing works.
Some people. You
try to help 'em, huh?
All right, you
guys start yelling.
Commandant!
Quiet. You'll wake Klink up.
Quit making trouble. Quiet!
It must be an escape.
An escape?
Kinch!
Quiet! Quiet!
Quiet!
What is this?
We were to trying to escape,
and this rat,
Schultz, caught us.
Yes, Herr Kommandant,
this rat, Schultz, caught them.
If not for him, we
would have made it.
Bah. Cochon.
Boy, a guy hasn't got a
chance with him around.
Herr Kommandant.
Herr Kommandant.
Herr Kommandant,
there has been an escape.
Thank you for that interesting
news bulletin, Sergeant.
Happy landings, Captain.
Thanks, old buddy.
See you in Fort Worth.
Why didn't you know
about this, Sergeant?
Sir, I had information
the escape would take
place from the barracks.
I was watching there.
You fool, that was a diversion.
This is the real escape.
I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant.
Being sorry does
not prevent escapes.
You are hereby relieved of duty,
and you will be transferred
out of here at once.
Dismissed.
Schultz, you will resume
as Sergeant of the Guard.
Now, your transfer
is being revoked.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Colonel, I protest.
This man is inhuman.
He's a monster with eyes
in the back of his head.
And the pair in
front ain't bad either.
Silence.
Gentlemen, your protests
are music to my ears.
We need men like
Sergeant Schultz
to maintain the
reputation of Stalag 13.
Schultz, Hogan is
confined to the barracks,
and these two idiots get
two weeks in the cooler.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Congratulations,
Schultz, we did it.
Right, we got your
transfer canceled.
All right, let's go!
One wrong step and I'll shoot.
Get him, will you?
How quickly they forget.
Back! Back! Back!
program in color.
Well, howdy, friend.
Shh!
Howdy, monsieur.
Jeb Winslow, Captain,
4l9th Fighter Squadron.
I'm an American.
Oh, really?
Corporal LeBeau, Stalag 13.
You from that big old
ugly prison camp yonder?
Yes, sir.
We had a message
from the underground.
You got shot down
near Dusseldorf?
Some Kraut on the
ground got my gas tank.
I was coming down real fast,
just like a great big
bare-faced vulture,
strafing a train, when
all of a sudden that...
Shh!
Hey, Capitaine, is this
going to be a long story?
Huh?
Colonel Hogan
is waiting for you.
Oh, okay, Shorty.
Lead the way.
All right, let's go.
Ooh-wee.
Imagine sneaking
into a prison camp
just so you can sneak out again.
C'est la guerre, uh?
Hold on. That's French.
I reckon so, stranger.
Well, howdy.
How'd you get him
through the tunnel?
Did you come by plane or horse?
Oh, these here are my
good luck flying clothes.
Yeah, well if Sitting Bull
gets in the war,
you'll be all set.
Uh, excuse me.
You're the first Texan
I've ever seen
outside the cinema.
It's quite a shock, you know.
Hey, Captain, how many
planes you shoot down?
Oh, nine for dang sure.
Three or four maybes.
Hey, why don't we all go home
and let him finish
the war by himself.
Hey, uh, Colonel,
how soon you reckon
I could get back to my squadron?
Our radio man is making contact
with a sub patrolling
off the coast right now.
Well, how about that?
They'll arrange a
rendezvous point
and pick you up in 48 hours.
No, he won't.
We had a short, blew
out half the equipment.
We can't send or receive.
How long to fix it?
It's impossible.
We need new parts.
All right, we'll get them
for you... make a list.
Got it right here.
You're all going
to get radio parts
in the middle of Germany
with a big old war going on?
We got a contact in town...
Bartender at the local hotel.
Fellas, I'm going
to need a volunteer
to go into town
to see the dentist.
Hmm, I see, another
stampede, huh?
I'm sorry, I can only
accept one volunteer.
Sir, I...
Thank you, Newkirk.
No, I was only going
to suggest Carter.
Oh, thanks, pal.
Nurse, will you assist him?
Yes, sir.
Now, if you'll please open wide?
Open wide, please.
This won't hurt.
This won't hurt.
Cotton. Cotton.
There you are.
Now have a toothache,
and that's an order.
Herr Kommandant, here they are.
I will finish dictating
those reports later,
Fraulein Helga.
Very good, Herr Colonel.
You look beautiful today, baby.
Schultz!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Now, Colonel Hogan,
a toothache, huh?
Your men seem to have
a lot of dental trouble lately.
I think it's the sawdust
in the bread, sir,
but I guess if you want to
make money on supplies,
you've got to do that.
Who told you that we put sawdust
in the prisoners' bread?
A little bird told me.
That little bird
may soon be flying
off to the Russian front.
I said nothing, Herr
Kommandant, nothing.
Does it hurt?
Oh, the pain is terrible.
Let him speak for himself.
That's plain enough for anybody.
Now, how did I know this
is a genuine toothache?
Open your mouth.
Ah-ha, mouth
stuffed with cotton.
That's to keep the tooth warm.
Why, of course.
Don't you give me any
credit for having any brains.
I refuse to answer
on the grounds that
I might tell the truth.
Schultz!
If I agree to let him
go to the dentist,
what guarantee do I have
that he will not try to escape.
You have my word.
He agrees.
I heard him.
All right.
I'll give him a pass.
Now, Schultz, you take him
straight to the
dentist in Hamilburg
and then straight back here
without any detours, understood?
Understood, Herr Kommandant.
And you will stay
with him at all times,
even while the
dentist treats him.
Sir, the dentist
might pull his tooth.
So?
I can't stand the
sight of blood.
Imbecile!
How did you ever get
into the German army?
I think he lied
about his weight.
No, no.
The order was
straight to the dentist
and then straight back home.
Schultz, you can't deny a man
a bit of schnapps before
a visit to the dentist.
It's inhuman.
Look, one drink.
One drink, now, come on.
You'll have a beer.
Ein bier.
Yes, sir.
And I'll have a wee
drop of whiskey.
Now don't worry. Don't worry.
All right.
Hello, chum.
Wie gehts and all that.
Oh, that's that lovely
tub of beer for my friend.
A wee drop of
whiskey for me, please.
Whiskey, sir. Yes.
The good stuff, right.
Radio parts.
We need them right away.
Here we go then.
Ooh, this stuff looks
good enough to drink.
Ah... prosit.
Well, if you say so.
Ah...
Oh, this is good, strong beer.
Nothing too good for
our boys in uniform.
Is that an officer back there?
Where?
I see nothing.
It's my mistake.
I'm a bit jumpy, I guess.
Oh, don't scare me like that.
Prosit.
Prosit.
Excuse me, sir.
What time does this
train get to Dusseldorf?
I'll let you know.
Thank you very much, sir.
Ah...
Very good beer in this place,
but the glasses are terrible.
Thanks, chum.
Lend us a hand, will you?
Come on, Schultz.
Come on, the party's over.
Look alive, now.
You go to the dentist.
I wait for you here.
Been to the dentist. Look, look.
The swelling, it's gone.
Now, come on.
Send the bill to Klink.
Big shot, Klink.
Blimey, he's a load.
I may have to roll
him back to camp.
Hey, was ist los?
Open up. Open up. Schnell.
Hello, Hans.
We went to the dentist.
We had a marvelous time.
You want Klink on us?
Ah, Kommandant
Klink, Mr. Big Shot.
Stop that. Stop that.
Stop that flipping noise.
If Klink hears us,
he'll make all kinds of
trouble for you tomorrow.
Shh.
Sergeant Schultz!
Well, here it is tomorrow.
Hello, Big Shot.
I mean jawohl,
Kommandant Big Shot.
I mean, uh... forget it.
Anything wrong?
Never mind, Hogan.
I thought one of my men
might be in trouble, sir,
but I can see it's one of yours.
Oh, this man
is obviously not well, sir.
Careful of the fumes, sir.
On your feet, Dummkopf.
Request permission to fall
flat on my face if necessary.
Seven hours ago you left
this camp to go to the dentist.
Seven hours at the dentist?
It was a very big tooth, sir.
Silence.
Now a prisoner has to
bring you back... drunk.
Well, at least Newkirk is sober.
Yes, sir. Pity, ain't it?
I will be sober
by tomorrow, sir.
Oh, yes, Schultz.
You will also walk a
guard post outside the wire,
back and forth, where
it's cold and lonely.
But that will only be temporary.
Thank you, sir.
Until the sergeant
who replaces you
arrives from headquarters.
And then our
favorite drunken fool
will be transferred
to the command
of some other lucky officer.
Ach du lieber.
He's gone now, Schultz.
It's okay to fall on your face.
Ach du lieber.
♪ Ach du lieber... ♪
Old Schultz is really
suffering out there.
He looks like a Zeppelin
with empty gas bags.
I talked to him
a little while ago.
All he said was, "Mein
feet are killing me."
Colonel, do you think Klink
will really transfer him out?
I hope not.
It took a long time
to train Schultz.
He sits up and
begs for my strudel.
Yeah?
Who's this?
Herr Kommandant,
Sergeant Ernst Krebs
reporting for duty
as ordered, sir!
At ease, Sergeant.
There's your answer.
That's Schultz's replacement.
He barks like a ruddy seal.
Yeah, he looks very G.I. to me.
Let's find out.
Try him on for size, Carter,
but take it easy.
Okay.
Things run very smoothly
here, Sergeant.
We have never even had
an escape at Stalag 13.
Hiya, Colonel. How's the boy?
Halt!
Is that the way you talk
to the commanding officer,
"How's the boy?"
Well, see, we're old friends...
Come to attention!
Eyes front.
Salute.
Carter, this is a new broom.
Well, sir...
Do as he says, or this new broom
will sweep you
right into the cooler.
Yes, sir.
Sergeant Krebs, follow me.
Three days before we can
get a message to London, sir?
That's about the size of it.
Close it up down there.
We got bigger troubles anyway.
This new Sergeant
is a bloodhound.
If we lose Schultz
and get stuck with him
our whole operation
could be out of business.
Well, maybe we can
tame him if he likes strudel.
Come on, it took us six months
to get Schultz to
look the other way.
And he's got no
character at all.
Watch it, somebody's coming.
Scramble.
Hi, Schultz.
How are you?
Eight hours I walked today.
Come on, sit down,
Schultz, rest your bones.
Oh. Aw.
You all pooped out, huh?
Oh, I'm double pooped out.
I'm going to be pooped
out for the rest of my life.
And tomorrow I
have to walk again.
Oh, tough go, Schultz.
LeBeau, please, could I have
some of the foot powder
the Red Cross gave you?
Sure.
One thing I don't understand...
How could I get so drunk
on one glass of beer?
Never drink on an
empty stomach, Schultz.
You call this empty?
Cheer, up, Schultz.
Maybe they'll send
you to a good post.
Or maybe they're going to
send me to the Russian Front.
If they transfer
you close to home,
you'll be able to see
your wife more often.
All of a sudden the Russian
Front sounds very good.
Any of you fellas got a
cigarette for a buddy?
Yeah, here, old buddy.
Light?
Oh, here, here.
Well, I'll see you
men all later, huh?
Hold it. Hold it.
Who is this?
Captain Jeb Winslow.
Guten abend, buddy.
Nice to meet you.
Well, auf Wiedersehen, y'all.
Halt. Hold it.
Schultz, what about
another cup of coffee.
Go away.
A nice cup of foot powder?
Ah-ha, Winslow.
He was never on the roll call.
Schultz, he's only
passing through.
Ah-ha, a spy.
In uniform?
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
There was a plane shot down
near Dusseldorf the other day.
They got my gas tank.
I was coming for
a strafing real...
All right, Captain, pipe down.
This is my lucky break.
How do you figure that?
Well, if I turn him in to Klink,
he's going to tear up
my transfer papers.
Good thinking, Schultz.
Yeah, my feet might be
dead, but not my brain.
Fine, and when Klink
starts to figure out
how he got into camp while
you were Sergeant of the Guard,
you get a chance to
use your brain again...
At your court-martial.
Please, don't confuse me.
Face it, buddy,
you're up the creek.
No matter what I
do, I cannot be smart.
But I have to turn him in.
Go, go, go.
Schultz, we'll work
a deal with you.
Forget you saw him,
and we'll get rid
of Sergeant Krebs.
That way Klink will
have to keep you.
How can you do that?
We'll think of something.
But, but, but...
Klink already signed
my transfer papers.
Corporal Langenscheidt told me.
He signed them, but
they never left camp.
How do you know?
Mm-hmm.
"Name:
"Schultz, Hans.
Rank: sergeant, grade one..."
Radio? You found a radio?
That's against regulations.
Shh. I wouldn't tell you this,
except you're a new man,
and I'd like to see you
make a few points with Klink.
Where is this radio?
Yeah...
Homemade.
That's the best kind.
Somebody will get
the cooler for this.
It works on a battery.
Very clever.
Klink will love you for this.
Sehr gut.
I won't forget it.
I know you won't... pal.
So, our new broom,
Sergeant Krebs, sweeps again.
Danke, Herr Kommandant. I try.
I shall start an
investigation right away.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Obviously homemade.
It is amazing to me
how ingenious these
prisoners can be when they try.
Jawohl, that is true, sir.
Yes...
very ingenious.
Hello. Hello, Colonel.
Can you hear me?
Hello. Colonel Hogan.
This is Kinch.
Can you read me?
Hello, Colonel.
If you can hear me,
the tunnel is too
near the surface.
Hello, Colonel.
Colonel. Hello.
Are you sure this is
the spot, Sergeant?
Ja, Herr Kommandant.
He was talking to
someone under the ground.
Incredible. Simply incredible.
Kommandant...
step over here.
You can still see his
handprints in the dirt.
Ah-ha, now we're
getting somewhere.
Confirm pickup
point M-12, 48 hours.
Well, the Lone Ranger's going
home to his squadron, men.
How do we get him
out of camp, Colonel?
The emergency tunnel.
With Sergeant Krebs on
our backs every minute?
Mm-hmm.
Yes, what do we do about him?
Every night he
does a little listening
outside the windows, right?
Tonight he's going
to hear something,
and then we'll be on
his back for a change.
Hey, Newkirk, I just
spoke to the colonel.
What's up?
LeBEAU: Tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night? Where?
LeBEAU: From here.
Let me see if
I've got that right.
Tomorrow night from here?
Hi, fellas. What's cooking?
Shh. Shh.
LeBeau just got the
word. Tomorrow night.
No kidding? Tomorrow night?
LeBEAU: From here.
No kidding?
Tomorrow night? From here?
Check.
Check.
Check.
Check.
Guten tag.
Oh, hi, Sarge.
Hey, listen, I'm really
sorry about that trick radio.
Why, the guys really
pulled a fast one on me.
Ja, ja, well, I give you chance
to make up for that.
I, uh... I need
some information.
What do you mean?
I've heard a rumor
there is something
on for tonight.
Do you know anything about this?
You mean like an escape?
Possibly.
Where do you come off
asking me a question like that?
Just because I
turned a radio in,
don't think I'm going
to rat on my buddies.
Now, you get this straight, pal,
I'm no fink and
don't ever forget it.
Take it easy.
What a nerve.
Oh, by the way, Sarge,
if I don't ever see
you again after tonight,
it's been a real
pleasure knowing you.
He's posting the guard.
All right, he'll be
here in a minute.
He'll stick with us,
you can bet on that.
Everybody got the plan straight?
Yeah, the captain gets
in the tunnel and waits.
As soon as the alarm goes,
I guide him through
to the woods.
Right. Now make sure
Krebs is out of the way
before you move.
Carter, you and
LeBeau get in my office
as soon as you can.
We'll use the window
to get out. Right.
Ah-ha. I'm going back
to little old England.
And next time you're captured,
find yourself another POW camp.
He made me barbecue
K rations for him.
Americans.
He's moving this way.
All right, Lone Ranger,
hide in the tunnel.
Hi-ho, Silver.
Newkirk, get started.
Right.
Now, let me show you a trick.
All right.
This one is always
a crowd pleaser.
Take a card.
Guten abend, gentlemen.
Put it back. I
don't want to see it.
I don't want to see it. Okay.
All right? Yeah.
Very quiet this evening, huh?
Right. Go ahead.
Oh, that's fabulous.
How do you do it?
Evening. Evening.
Oh, that's great.
Oh, how's that...?
Hello, hello, hello, hello.
I thought there was one missing.
That's too much! Too much!
I tell you, this man's a
walking deck of cards.
Can you believe it?
Let me show you.
You'll like this trick.
Do that again.
Come here. Now watch this.
I want you to take
any card at all.
Come here, any card at all.
Any card.
Don't let me see it.
I don't want to see it, right.
Right, put it back, put it back.
I put it back.
Just remember
it, right, put it back.
Mix them up. There you go.
I'm going to think of that card.
Think of that card. Right.
Cut 'em once.
That's your card, isn't it?
Listen, there must
be a trick to that, huh?
Oh, I never said there
wasn't a trick to it, did I?
Do it again.
Was it the eight of diamonds?
Ja, it was the
eight of diamonds.
Isn't that fantastic?
Do it... do it
again. Do it again.
Do it again.
Okay, all right.
You have nothing up your...?
Halt.
Hold it, Schultz, it's only us.
What are you doing here?
We're escaping, buddy.
And you're going to catch us.
I am?
Then Klink forgets the
transfer, and you're a big shot.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Start
yelling, Schultz, for the dogs.
No, no, no.
With my luck, nothing works.
Some people. You
try to help 'em, huh?
All right, you
guys start yelling.
Commandant!
Quiet. You'll wake Klink up.
Quit making trouble. Quiet!
It must be an escape.
An escape?
Kinch!
Quiet! Quiet!
Quiet!
What is this?
We were to trying to escape,
and this rat,
Schultz, caught us.
Yes, Herr Kommandant,
this rat, Schultz, caught them.
If not for him, we
would have made it.
Bah. Cochon.
Boy, a guy hasn't got a
chance with him around.
Herr Kommandant.
Herr Kommandant.
Herr Kommandant,
there has been an escape.
Thank you for that interesting
news bulletin, Sergeant.
Happy landings, Captain.
Thanks, old buddy.
See you in Fort Worth.
Why didn't you know
about this, Sergeant?
Sir, I had information
the escape would take
place from the barracks.
I was watching there.
You fool, that was a diversion.
This is the real escape.
I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant.
Being sorry does
not prevent escapes.
You are hereby relieved of duty,
and you will be transferred
out of here at once.
Dismissed.
Schultz, you will resume
as Sergeant of the Guard.
Now, your transfer
is being revoked.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Colonel, I protest.
This man is inhuman.
He's a monster with eyes
in the back of his head.
And the pair in
front ain't bad either.
Silence.
Gentlemen, your protests
are music to my ears.
We need men like
Sergeant Schultz
to maintain the
reputation of Stalag 13.
Schultz, Hogan is
confined to the barracks,
and these two idiots get
two weeks in the cooler.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Congratulations,
Schultz, we did it.
Right, we got your
transfer canceled.
All right, let's go!
One wrong step and I'll shoot.
Get him, will you?
How quickly they forget.
Back! Back! Back!