Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Scientist - full transcript
Corporal LeBeau pretends to be a visiting French scientist while Hogan smuggles out the real one.
CBS presents this
program in color.
By order of Commandant
Wilhelm Klink,
all prisoners have to stay
away from doors and windows,
and are not allowed
to leave the barracks
for no reason whatsoever
until further notice.
You can't do that.
It's against the Geneva
Prisoner of War Convention.
And the rules of
organized warfare.
And don't forget the Interstate
Commerce Commission.
I have given the order.
Every time I tell
them something,
they always give me trouble.
Good-bye, Schultz!
Good-bye, old Shultz.
Hey, Colonel, what's happening?
We're gonna find out right now.
Carter, watch the door.
Hey, they just
brought in a civilian.
Anybody we know?
He's guarded by
two Kraut officers.
They put him in
that storage building
they've been cleaning
out all this week.
Must be important.
I could sneak out and
find out, maybe. No?
Nah, nah, nah.
Got a better idea.
Schultz probably
knows what's going on.
Carter, go tell him
there's a seat open
in the blackjack game.
Newkirk, start the
blackjack game.
21. Name of the game, gents.
Wieder ein-und-swanzig.
He beats me again.
He's knocking my brains out.
Tough luck, old chap.
Care for another go?
What do you think?
You think I'm a sucker?
You think I just got off
the bus from Dusseldorf?
Hmm. I bet 25 marks...
on the cuff.
Sorry, Schultz.
You've already had
300 marks on tick.
You'll have to get the
okay from... Colonel Hogan.
What's the problem, Schultz?
Oh, our friend here
wants more credit, Colonel,
but he's already
into us for quite a bit.
Oh, I see.
Well, Schultz, you owe us money
and, obviously, you can't pay.
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm going to make a comeback.
Don't you worry.
Gambling is against the rules,
especially with prisoners.
Now, if Colonel
Klink should find out...
say hello to the gang at
the Russian front, baby.
Oh, Colonel, please
give him a chance.
Yeah, Colonel,
take it easy on him.
He's not a bad
sort... for a goon.
All right. I'll tell you what.
You can get even and
back into the game, Schultz.
Tell us who the civilian was
that they brought
into camp tonight.
You want me to give you
a secret for 300 marks?!
He who dances
must pay the fiddler.
Who's dancing?
My answer is no.
Oh, Colonel...
I just overheard those
two guards talking.
Guess who that man is
that they brought
in here tonight?
Who?
Who do you think I am, a
Dummkopf or something?
Using that old corny trick.
I'm the only one that
Commandant Klink told
that the man is a captured
French scien... tist.
French scientist, Schultz?
What's his name?
I say no more.
It slipped out.
I have witnesses.
The Russian front, baby...
Combing your hair with
an ice pick every morning.
Come on, Schultz,
you're in too deep.
What's his name?
His name is Henry DuBois.
Deal me in.
He was brought here
for some experiments.
Deal me in.
Deal me in.
Hit me. Hit me.
Deal me...
Ah!
Ein-und-zwanzing!
Ha, ha, ha!
Hey, here's the answer on
DuBois from London, Colonel.
Okay, Kinch.
"DuBois synthetic fuel expert.
"Reported collaborating.
"Valuable man.
"Try get him our side.
Failing, eliminate
DuBois and work."
Sounds like a big job, huh?
Must be. They
went over ten words.
May I ask how you found
out that Henry DuBois is here?
Colonel, a POW camp
is like a beauty parlor...
Gossip, loose talk,
rumors about such things
as who's being transferred
to the Russian front.
They wouldn't dare.
I am needed here.
Of course. Of course.
But, just in case,
the boys are knitting
you a beautiful muffler.
And what is this about LeBeau?
Oh, yeah.
Monsieur DuBois caught
sight of him this morning
and immediately asked
him to work in his laboratory.
But why LeBeau?
You have never
heard of Louis LeBeau?
The man they
called Mr. Test Tube
at the École de Chimie in Paris?
He's a chemist?
In France, he's known for
the discovery of hemolac.
He... Hemolac?
What is hemolac?
That's a problem for after
the war: What is hemolac?
But he's a cook who
works for the prisoners.
You know what they
say at the universities:
You show me a chemist,
and I'll show you a great chef.
What's the difference whether
you have hydrochloric acid
or a pot roast cooking
on a Bunsen burner?
I can't believe it.
Just think how great
it would be for you
if you got the credit
for speeding up Monsieur
DuBois' experiments.
Yes! I can see where
General Burkhalter
would be very pleased.
It's amazing how far ahead of me
you are at times. Amazing.
So...
LeBeau refuses
to work for him, eh?
That little cockroach.
I'll show him who's in command
of Stalag 13. Bring him in!
Monsieur LeBeau, from
the École de Chimie in Paris.
I will not do it.
I will not.
We have ways of
making you obey orders.
I'm only required
to give my name,
rank and serial number.
I am Louis LeBeau, Corporal,
and my serial number
is H-1-2-4-9-7...
H-1-2...
4...
H...
The man who invented hemolac
can't even remember
his own serial number.
They're all that way.
Einstein once left the
house without his pants.
That means nothing to me.
It meant something to him.
Corporal LeBeau,
you are hereby ordered
to report to Monsieur DuBois
and assist him as requested.
Dismissed.
Monsieur DuBois?
Oui.
I am Corporal Louis LeBeau.
I've been ordered to assist you
in your experiments.
I have no need for an assistant.
I did not ask for one.
This is the order
of the commandant,
Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
Then I have no choice.
Yes, you do have a
choice, Monsieur DuBois.
Cochon!
Your choice is work
for the allies or die!
And I will see to that myself.
Collaborator!
Collaborator?
Yes!
Do you think I do
this because I want to?
They are holding my
daughter at the hotel in town.
If I do not do as they say,
who knows what
might happen to her?
You didn't volunteer?
I'm loyal to our country.
My daughter and I were
captured when France fell.
The Germans force
me to work for them.
I have been delaying,
making little
useless experiments.
Frankly, I... I don't know
what to make anymore.
I have an idea for you.
Yes?
How about crêpes suzette?
Crêpe su...?
LeBeau told me
DuBois said he wouldn't
leave without his daughter.
We'll never get
her out of that hotel.
They've got half the German
army guarding the girl.
We'll just have
to rescue the girl.
"We'll just have
to rescue the girl."
Great. But how?
How many men would
be guarding a prisoner
in a place like the Hausner Hof?
Two or three squads.
Maybe a captain
and even a major.
What difference does it make?
Might as well be
a bleeding general.
Why not a general?
I mean, if a general showed
up at the Hausner Hof
and demanded the girl...
Where are we going to
get somebody like that?
He comes up with ideas, I..
You will stand at attention
when General Von
Himmelburger addresses you!
Jawohl, Herr Gener...
Thank you, Putzi.
We are the Hausner
Hof Hotel, Herr General.
Danke schon, Putzi.
I hate to read signs
unless it's
absolutely necessary.
Achtung!
Achtung!
Achtung! Achtung!
Schnell, Dummkopf!
Achtung! Achtung!
This is General Von
Himmelburger of the fuhrer's staff.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Depressing. Depressing.
Putzi, until this moment,
I thought we had a
chance to win the war.
But don't quote me.
At your orders, Herr General.
You are holding a prisoner here,
a girl named...
Marie DuBois, Herr General.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Marie DuBois.
I want her taken outside,
put in my machine at once.
But Herr General...
Herr General...
Take this man's name,
have him transferred
to the Russian front.
Jawohl, Herr General.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
May I be of assistance,
Herr General?
This man is to be
court-martialed and shot!
But, Herr General, I have
not even greeted you yet.
That's why... you're too slow.
Will you never learn?!
General Himmelburger,
may I be of assistance?
You may not!
Take this man's name, Putzi.
Transfer to the
Russian front, sir,
or court-martialed to be shot?
I don't know. Mix 'em up.
Jawohl, Herr General.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Sir, I regret, we must
have written authorization
to release the prisoner.
You dare to
question the authority
of General Von, Von, Von...
Himmelburger.
Himmelburger?
This man will be
court-martialed, shot
and sent to the Russian front!
Now, listen to me, all of you.
My patience is at an end.
I want this girl brought
down and put in my machine.
In five minutes.
Repeat, five minutes.
If you do not follow my orders
within that time,
you will all be transferred
to the Russian front.
Including the hotel itself.
Do you hear me?!
Aah!
Yaah!
He means it.
I know him.
What do we do if they
don't bring the girl out?
We go to the Russian front.
Wish they'd hurry up, then.
Got to get the motorcycle
back to the pool.
Watch it.
Where are you taking me?
Silence.
The girl, Herr General.
Very good.
You made it with
40 seconds to spare.
General.
Uh-huh. Ah...
Danke, Putzi.
The girl.
Fraulein?
I wish to question the girl,
and we may as
well be comfortable.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler. Heil Hitler.
They change the dogs
so they won't get too
friendly with the prisoners.
Are they dangerous?
Oh, only to the Germans.
Au revoir.
Au revoir.
Merci, huh?
Merci beaucoup.
Enough already.
Au revoir.
Papa!
Marie.
Oh... Marie...
Pardon me?
We've only got 24 hours
to make contact
with that British sub.
We got to get cracking.
Cracking?
Uh, follow me,
uh, s'il vous plaît.
Oui. Allez, Marie, allez.
Mama Bear to Goldilocks.
Mama Bear to Goldilocks.
Confirming.
Will pick up two packages...
One large, one small...
At point Y-14 in 24 hours.
Over and out.
Escaped?!
DuBois escaped?!
Yes, sir. LeBeau
went to his laboratory
a couple of minutes ago,
and DuBois was gone.
I hate to get you
out of bed, sir.
Gee, this is a beautiful robe.
Oh, danke.
This is impossible.
No one escapes from Stalag 13.
Yeah, looks like
you got a first on
your hands, sir.
You know something
about this, cockroach?
Oh, come on. If he helped DuBois
to escape, would
he tell you anything?
Perhaps not.
Oh, this is terrible, terrible.
I know how you must feel, sir.
No, you don't.
I have been informed by Berlin
that a Professor Altman
is coming here tomorrow
to meet with DuBois
and check on the experiments!
There is no DuBois,
and they will hold me
personally responsible for this.
Yes, sir, they can be
mean when they want to.
I must find DuBois at once.
Now, we will search
this countryside
inch by inch tonight.
We need 24 hours.
What?!
He means we'll be
glad to join in the search,
but we'll never find DuBois
in time to meet Altman.
Hmm... in that case,
I am finished.
I have a suggestion, Colonel.
We have to stall
for time, right?
Now, Altman has
never met DuBois.
Why not have LeBeau
stand in for him?
Can you do it, cockroach?
Well, he's been
working with him.
He knows all the experiments.
I do? Oh, yes, sir, I do.
All right, I have
no other choice.
But if anything goes wrong,
I will hold you
personally responsible,
and you will take
the consequences.
Yes, sir.
You heard him.
He's going to hold me
personally responsible,
and if anything goes wrong...
I will take the consequences.
Didn't you learn
anything from DuBois?
Well, most of the time, we
just made crêpes suzettes.
We've got to stall long enough
for DuBois and the girl
to get started for England.
Carter, you know chemistry.
I know what?
Well, you ran a chemist shop.
Well, I ran a drugstore.
I ran a drugstore
in Muncie, Indiana.
All right.
I want you to teach
LeBeau some chemistry
by 9:00 tomorrow morning.
Some words and
phrases and stuff.
I can't.
Look, you're
wasting time, Carter.
We got about six-
and-a-half hours,
and a lot depends on this.
I can't teach him any chemistry.
Why not?
Look, Colonel, I
ran a drugstore.
You know, like candy,
uh, cigarettes, cosmetics,
liquor, beach chairs...
You know, a drugstore.
Wait a minute, I got this.
Maybe he can look through
this and find something.
Handbook of Pharmacy, huh?
Yeah, I've been
carrying it for two years.
I'm going to take the
exam when I get home.
Oh, swell.
Start reading.
Professor DuBois,
I have the honor to present
Professor Altman
and Captain Krug.
Professor DuBois,
I have heard a
great deal about you.
I trust your experiments
justify your reputation.
So do I.
Berlin is expecting progress.
It would be unfortunate
if they are disappointed.
Well, I shall leave you
two great friends together.
Good luck.
Uh, sit down, gentlemen, please.
Now, uh, before we begin,
I-I would like you to
meet my assistant.
This is my assistant,
Monsieur LeBeau.
Bonjour.
We have a saying in France.
A little refreshment
makes the job easier.
It's only a saying.
A votre santé.
Prosit.
Prosit.
Now, as you know, gentlemen,
the problem has been
to produce a
workable synthetic fuel.
That's a problem
that has been
stopping us for years.
In preparing, uh, an emulsion,
uh, careful measurement
of quantities used
is most important.
An emulsion?
An emulsion!
Oh, we have never approached
the problem from that angle.
Brilliant conception,
and so simple.
Merci.
Tell me, Professor,
did you use positive
or negative ions
in the processing?
What a question.
Forgive me, Professor,
but don't they teach you
fellows anything in Berlin?
I beg your pardon,
Professor DuBois.
Obviously, he's way ahead of us.
As I was saying,
in preparing an emulsion,
the steps are as follows.
Number one: Select components
as listed by doctor
in prescription?
Doctor?
Prescription?
Uh, oh, I am also an M.D.,
and it's easier for me
to think in those terms.
Number two:
After selecting components,
make accurate measurements.
Number three: Select
vessel in which mixing
process will be made.
And number four: Uh...
wash hands before beginning.
The good ones...
They are always so sanitary.
Ja, ja, ja.
Goldilocks to Mama Bear,
Goldilocks to Mama Bear.
Advise without delay
when two packages are picked up.
But only, do-do
you mean to tell me
that you have actually been able
to mix these two substances?
That's right, Hans.
Cynogenic acid
and Palmer's alkali.
Wunderbar.
But my dear boy,
I-I find it difficult to believe
that these two could
act as a catalyst.
Oh, not only as
a catalyst, but...
the mixture also relieves
nasal congestion?
Wunderbar!
It's a ruddy miracle.
Ja, ja, ja, ja.
Mama Bear to Goldilocks,
Mama Bear to Goldilocks.
Have picked up two packages...
One large, one
small... As arranged.
Will now proceed to post office.
Over and out.
That's it.
They've picked up
DuBois and his daughter.
Carter, get going. Right.
Frankly, mon ami,
I-I was a little worried
about the catalytic factor,
but... you say it works.
Yes, Liebchen,
and also breaks
up nasal congestion.
Ah, he is ein genius.
Oh, you've saved us
hundreds of hours of testing.
I think.
Professor DuBois...
How dare you
enter this laboratory!
Don't you know we have
a conference going on?!
I'm sorry, sir.
I, uh, just wanted
to let you know
that two packages
have arrived safely.
And not a minute too soon.
New chemicals we ordered.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, we must no longer keep you
from your experiments.
Uh, Captain,
we are going.
Ja, ja, ja, ja.
Oh, thank you. Ja, ja.
Danke schon, Herr
Professor, and I can see
that everything
here is going nicely.
Uh, indeed, it is.
And we'll be back tomorrow
for some more refreshments.
Ah! I mean, information.
And you can demonstrate
for us your new process, huh?
Ja? Ja.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
You brought it off!
You were smashing!
And that's how you feel, huh?
Oh...
Uh, Professor DuBois,
one more thing.
A favor.
If you have any more
of that emulsion left,
would you be so kind
as to save it for me?
Yes, but...
I have a little
nasal congestion.
Auf Wiedersehen.
LeBEAU: Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
You know something?
It's a crazy war.
All right, all right.
We got away with it, as you say,
but I still haven't
found DuBois,
and Altman will be here tomorrow
for another inspection
and a demonstration.
Colonel, you worry too much.
I worry?
Your life is easy.
You're only a prisoner of war.
No problem whatsoever.
As Professor DuBois was killed
in an explosion
in his laboratory.
Well, in that case, you are...
Killed in his laboratory? When?
Five, four,
three, two, one.
Any questions?
program in color.
By order of Commandant
Wilhelm Klink,
all prisoners have to stay
away from doors and windows,
and are not allowed
to leave the barracks
for no reason whatsoever
until further notice.
You can't do that.
It's against the Geneva
Prisoner of War Convention.
And the rules of
organized warfare.
And don't forget the Interstate
Commerce Commission.
I have given the order.
Every time I tell
them something,
they always give me trouble.
Good-bye, Schultz!
Good-bye, old Shultz.
Hey, Colonel, what's happening?
We're gonna find out right now.
Carter, watch the door.
Hey, they just
brought in a civilian.
Anybody we know?
He's guarded by
two Kraut officers.
They put him in
that storage building
they've been cleaning
out all this week.
Must be important.
I could sneak out and
find out, maybe. No?
Nah, nah, nah.
Got a better idea.
Schultz probably
knows what's going on.
Carter, go tell him
there's a seat open
in the blackjack game.
Newkirk, start the
blackjack game.
21. Name of the game, gents.
Wieder ein-und-swanzig.
He beats me again.
He's knocking my brains out.
Tough luck, old chap.
Care for another go?
What do you think?
You think I'm a sucker?
You think I just got off
the bus from Dusseldorf?
Hmm. I bet 25 marks...
on the cuff.
Sorry, Schultz.
You've already had
300 marks on tick.
You'll have to get the
okay from... Colonel Hogan.
What's the problem, Schultz?
Oh, our friend here
wants more credit, Colonel,
but he's already
into us for quite a bit.
Oh, I see.
Well, Schultz, you owe us money
and, obviously, you can't pay.
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm going to make a comeback.
Don't you worry.
Gambling is against the rules,
especially with prisoners.
Now, if Colonel
Klink should find out...
say hello to the gang at
the Russian front, baby.
Oh, Colonel, please
give him a chance.
Yeah, Colonel,
take it easy on him.
He's not a bad
sort... for a goon.
All right. I'll tell you what.
You can get even and
back into the game, Schultz.
Tell us who the civilian was
that they brought
into camp tonight.
You want me to give you
a secret for 300 marks?!
He who dances
must pay the fiddler.
Who's dancing?
My answer is no.
Oh, Colonel...
I just overheard those
two guards talking.
Guess who that man is
that they brought
in here tonight?
Who?
Who do you think I am, a
Dummkopf or something?
Using that old corny trick.
I'm the only one that
Commandant Klink told
that the man is a captured
French scien... tist.
French scientist, Schultz?
What's his name?
I say no more.
It slipped out.
I have witnesses.
The Russian front, baby...
Combing your hair with
an ice pick every morning.
Come on, Schultz,
you're in too deep.
What's his name?
His name is Henry DuBois.
Deal me in.
He was brought here
for some experiments.
Deal me in.
Deal me in.
Hit me. Hit me.
Deal me...
Ah!
Ein-und-zwanzing!
Ha, ha, ha!
Hey, here's the answer on
DuBois from London, Colonel.
Okay, Kinch.
"DuBois synthetic fuel expert.
"Reported collaborating.
"Valuable man.
"Try get him our side.
Failing, eliminate
DuBois and work."
Sounds like a big job, huh?
Must be. They
went over ten words.
May I ask how you found
out that Henry DuBois is here?
Colonel, a POW camp
is like a beauty parlor...
Gossip, loose talk,
rumors about such things
as who's being transferred
to the Russian front.
They wouldn't dare.
I am needed here.
Of course. Of course.
But, just in case,
the boys are knitting
you a beautiful muffler.
And what is this about LeBeau?
Oh, yeah.
Monsieur DuBois caught
sight of him this morning
and immediately asked
him to work in his laboratory.
But why LeBeau?
You have never
heard of Louis LeBeau?
The man they
called Mr. Test Tube
at the École de Chimie in Paris?
He's a chemist?
In France, he's known for
the discovery of hemolac.
He... Hemolac?
What is hemolac?
That's a problem for after
the war: What is hemolac?
But he's a cook who
works for the prisoners.
You know what they
say at the universities:
You show me a chemist,
and I'll show you a great chef.
What's the difference whether
you have hydrochloric acid
or a pot roast cooking
on a Bunsen burner?
I can't believe it.
Just think how great
it would be for you
if you got the credit
for speeding up Monsieur
DuBois' experiments.
Yes! I can see where
General Burkhalter
would be very pleased.
It's amazing how far ahead of me
you are at times. Amazing.
So...
LeBeau refuses
to work for him, eh?
That little cockroach.
I'll show him who's in command
of Stalag 13. Bring him in!
Monsieur LeBeau, from
the École de Chimie in Paris.
I will not do it.
I will not.
We have ways of
making you obey orders.
I'm only required
to give my name,
rank and serial number.
I am Louis LeBeau, Corporal,
and my serial number
is H-1-2-4-9-7...
H-1-2...
4...
H...
The man who invented hemolac
can't even remember
his own serial number.
They're all that way.
Einstein once left the
house without his pants.
That means nothing to me.
It meant something to him.
Corporal LeBeau,
you are hereby ordered
to report to Monsieur DuBois
and assist him as requested.
Dismissed.
Monsieur DuBois?
Oui.
I am Corporal Louis LeBeau.
I've been ordered to assist you
in your experiments.
I have no need for an assistant.
I did not ask for one.
This is the order
of the commandant,
Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
Then I have no choice.
Yes, you do have a
choice, Monsieur DuBois.
Cochon!
Your choice is work
for the allies or die!
And I will see to that myself.
Collaborator!
Collaborator?
Yes!
Do you think I do
this because I want to?
They are holding my
daughter at the hotel in town.
If I do not do as they say,
who knows what
might happen to her?
You didn't volunteer?
I'm loyal to our country.
My daughter and I were
captured when France fell.
The Germans force
me to work for them.
I have been delaying,
making little
useless experiments.
Frankly, I... I don't know
what to make anymore.
I have an idea for you.
Yes?
How about crêpes suzette?
Crêpe su...?
LeBeau told me
DuBois said he wouldn't
leave without his daughter.
We'll never get
her out of that hotel.
They've got half the German
army guarding the girl.
We'll just have
to rescue the girl.
"We'll just have
to rescue the girl."
Great. But how?
How many men would
be guarding a prisoner
in a place like the Hausner Hof?
Two or three squads.
Maybe a captain
and even a major.
What difference does it make?
Might as well be
a bleeding general.
Why not a general?
I mean, if a general showed
up at the Hausner Hof
and demanded the girl...
Where are we going to
get somebody like that?
He comes up with ideas, I..
You will stand at attention
when General Von
Himmelburger addresses you!
Jawohl, Herr Gener...
Thank you, Putzi.
We are the Hausner
Hof Hotel, Herr General.
Danke schon, Putzi.
I hate to read signs
unless it's
absolutely necessary.
Achtung!
Achtung!
Achtung! Achtung!
Schnell, Dummkopf!
Achtung! Achtung!
This is General Von
Himmelburger of the fuhrer's staff.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Depressing. Depressing.
Putzi, until this moment,
I thought we had a
chance to win the war.
But don't quote me.
At your orders, Herr General.
You are holding a prisoner here,
a girl named...
Marie DuBois, Herr General.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Marie DuBois.
I want her taken outside,
put in my machine at once.
But Herr General...
Herr General...
Take this man's name,
have him transferred
to the Russian front.
Jawohl, Herr General.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
May I be of assistance,
Herr General?
This man is to be
court-martialed and shot!
But, Herr General, I have
not even greeted you yet.
That's why... you're too slow.
Will you never learn?!
General Himmelburger,
may I be of assistance?
You may not!
Take this man's name, Putzi.
Transfer to the
Russian front, sir,
or court-martialed to be shot?
I don't know. Mix 'em up.
Jawohl, Herr General.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Sir, I regret, we must
have written authorization
to release the prisoner.
You dare to
question the authority
of General Von, Von, Von...
Himmelburger.
Himmelburger?
This man will be
court-martialed, shot
and sent to the Russian front!
Now, listen to me, all of you.
My patience is at an end.
I want this girl brought
down and put in my machine.
In five minutes.
Repeat, five minutes.
If you do not follow my orders
within that time,
you will all be transferred
to the Russian front.
Including the hotel itself.
Do you hear me?!
Aah!
Yaah!
He means it.
I know him.
What do we do if they
don't bring the girl out?
We go to the Russian front.
Wish they'd hurry up, then.
Got to get the motorcycle
back to the pool.
Watch it.
Where are you taking me?
Silence.
The girl, Herr General.
Very good.
You made it with
40 seconds to spare.
General.
Uh-huh. Ah...
Danke, Putzi.
The girl.
Fraulein?
I wish to question the girl,
and we may as
well be comfortable.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler. Heil Hitler.
They change the dogs
so they won't get too
friendly with the prisoners.
Are they dangerous?
Oh, only to the Germans.
Au revoir.
Au revoir.
Merci, huh?
Merci beaucoup.
Enough already.
Au revoir.
Papa!
Marie.
Oh... Marie...
Pardon me?
We've only got 24 hours
to make contact
with that British sub.
We got to get cracking.
Cracking?
Uh, follow me,
uh, s'il vous plaît.
Oui. Allez, Marie, allez.
Mama Bear to Goldilocks.
Mama Bear to Goldilocks.
Confirming.
Will pick up two packages...
One large, one small...
At point Y-14 in 24 hours.
Over and out.
Escaped?!
DuBois escaped?!
Yes, sir. LeBeau
went to his laboratory
a couple of minutes ago,
and DuBois was gone.
I hate to get you
out of bed, sir.
Gee, this is a beautiful robe.
Oh, danke.
This is impossible.
No one escapes from Stalag 13.
Yeah, looks like
you got a first on
your hands, sir.
You know something
about this, cockroach?
Oh, come on. If he helped DuBois
to escape, would
he tell you anything?
Perhaps not.
Oh, this is terrible, terrible.
I know how you must feel, sir.
No, you don't.
I have been informed by Berlin
that a Professor Altman
is coming here tomorrow
to meet with DuBois
and check on the experiments!
There is no DuBois,
and they will hold me
personally responsible for this.
Yes, sir, they can be
mean when they want to.
I must find DuBois at once.
Now, we will search
this countryside
inch by inch tonight.
We need 24 hours.
What?!
He means we'll be
glad to join in the search,
but we'll never find DuBois
in time to meet Altman.
Hmm... in that case,
I am finished.
I have a suggestion, Colonel.
We have to stall
for time, right?
Now, Altman has
never met DuBois.
Why not have LeBeau
stand in for him?
Can you do it, cockroach?
Well, he's been
working with him.
He knows all the experiments.
I do? Oh, yes, sir, I do.
All right, I have
no other choice.
But if anything goes wrong,
I will hold you
personally responsible,
and you will take
the consequences.
Yes, sir.
You heard him.
He's going to hold me
personally responsible,
and if anything goes wrong...
I will take the consequences.
Didn't you learn
anything from DuBois?
Well, most of the time, we
just made crêpes suzettes.
We've got to stall long enough
for DuBois and the girl
to get started for England.
Carter, you know chemistry.
I know what?
Well, you ran a chemist shop.
Well, I ran a drugstore.
I ran a drugstore
in Muncie, Indiana.
All right.
I want you to teach
LeBeau some chemistry
by 9:00 tomorrow morning.
Some words and
phrases and stuff.
I can't.
Look, you're
wasting time, Carter.
We got about six-
and-a-half hours,
and a lot depends on this.
I can't teach him any chemistry.
Why not?
Look, Colonel, I
ran a drugstore.
You know, like candy,
uh, cigarettes, cosmetics,
liquor, beach chairs...
You know, a drugstore.
Wait a minute, I got this.
Maybe he can look through
this and find something.
Handbook of Pharmacy, huh?
Yeah, I've been
carrying it for two years.
I'm going to take the
exam when I get home.
Oh, swell.
Start reading.
Professor DuBois,
I have the honor to present
Professor Altman
and Captain Krug.
Professor DuBois,
I have heard a
great deal about you.
I trust your experiments
justify your reputation.
So do I.
Berlin is expecting progress.
It would be unfortunate
if they are disappointed.
Well, I shall leave you
two great friends together.
Good luck.
Uh, sit down, gentlemen, please.
Now, uh, before we begin,
I-I would like you to
meet my assistant.
This is my assistant,
Monsieur LeBeau.
Bonjour.
We have a saying in France.
A little refreshment
makes the job easier.
It's only a saying.
A votre santé.
Prosit.
Prosit.
Now, as you know, gentlemen,
the problem has been
to produce a
workable synthetic fuel.
That's a problem
that has been
stopping us for years.
In preparing, uh, an emulsion,
uh, careful measurement
of quantities used
is most important.
An emulsion?
An emulsion!
Oh, we have never approached
the problem from that angle.
Brilliant conception,
and so simple.
Merci.
Tell me, Professor,
did you use positive
or negative ions
in the processing?
What a question.
Forgive me, Professor,
but don't they teach you
fellows anything in Berlin?
I beg your pardon,
Professor DuBois.
Obviously, he's way ahead of us.
As I was saying,
in preparing an emulsion,
the steps are as follows.
Number one: Select components
as listed by doctor
in prescription?
Doctor?
Prescription?
Uh, oh, I am also an M.D.,
and it's easier for me
to think in those terms.
Number two:
After selecting components,
make accurate measurements.
Number three: Select
vessel in which mixing
process will be made.
And number four: Uh...
wash hands before beginning.
The good ones...
They are always so sanitary.
Ja, ja, ja.
Goldilocks to Mama Bear,
Goldilocks to Mama Bear.
Advise without delay
when two packages are picked up.
But only, do-do
you mean to tell me
that you have actually been able
to mix these two substances?
That's right, Hans.
Cynogenic acid
and Palmer's alkali.
Wunderbar.
But my dear boy,
I-I find it difficult to believe
that these two could
act as a catalyst.
Oh, not only as
a catalyst, but...
the mixture also relieves
nasal congestion?
Wunderbar!
It's a ruddy miracle.
Ja, ja, ja, ja.
Mama Bear to Goldilocks,
Mama Bear to Goldilocks.
Have picked up two packages...
One large, one
small... As arranged.
Will now proceed to post office.
Over and out.
That's it.
They've picked up
DuBois and his daughter.
Carter, get going. Right.
Frankly, mon ami,
I-I was a little worried
about the catalytic factor,
but... you say it works.
Yes, Liebchen,
and also breaks
up nasal congestion.
Ah, he is ein genius.
Oh, you've saved us
hundreds of hours of testing.
I think.
Professor DuBois...
How dare you
enter this laboratory!
Don't you know we have
a conference going on?!
I'm sorry, sir.
I, uh, just wanted
to let you know
that two packages
have arrived safely.
And not a minute too soon.
New chemicals we ordered.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, we must no longer keep you
from your experiments.
Uh, Captain,
we are going.
Ja, ja, ja, ja.
Oh, thank you. Ja, ja.
Danke schon, Herr
Professor, and I can see
that everything
here is going nicely.
Uh, indeed, it is.
And we'll be back tomorrow
for some more refreshments.
Ah! I mean, information.
And you can demonstrate
for us your new process, huh?
Ja? Ja.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
You brought it off!
You were smashing!
And that's how you feel, huh?
Oh...
Uh, Professor DuBois,
one more thing.
A favor.
If you have any more
of that emulsion left,
would you be so kind
as to save it for me?
Yes, but...
I have a little
nasal congestion.
Auf Wiedersehen.
LeBEAU: Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
You know something?
It's a crazy war.
All right, all right.
We got away with it, as you say,
but I still haven't
found DuBois,
and Altman will be here tomorrow
for another inspection
and a demonstration.
Colonel, you worry too much.
I worry?
Your life is easy.
You're only a prisoner of war.
No problem whatsoever.
As Professor DuBois was killed
in an explosion
in his laboratory.
Well, in that case, you are...
Killed in his laboratory? When?
Five, four,
three, two, one.
Any questions?