Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 13 - Hogan's Hofbrau - full transcript
Hogan sneaks out of camp to a local German Hofbrau House to get the details of a nearby German army unit.
CBS presents this
program in color.
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All right, Carter,
what did you see?
A panzer division...
16 Tiger tanks
and the supply trucks
right behind them.
And then the goon
took the glasses away.
Newkirk?
Well, LeBeau saw that
and another column as well.
Oh, easily a mile long.
Troop carriers,
support artillery
and a medical unit.
They went flying down the
road past that beer garden.
Hilda's Hofbrau.
Kinch? I tapped
Klink's phone line
and took the conversation
down verbatim.
That's why he's
a staff sergeant.
Oh, shucks, Colonel.
Newkirk, give me a
hand with this, huh?
Hello.
Colonel Klink speaking.
Hello.
This is Captain Milheiser,
Adolf Hitler Division.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Sounds vaguely familiar.
Colonel, I will be
coming to see you today
on a matter of the
greatest importance.
Let me assure you,
any officer of the
Adolf Hitler Division
is always welcome at Stalag 13.
Ah, very good.
Adolf Hitler Division, huh?
They made a lot
of trouble in France.
What are they
doing in this area,
obviously at full strength?
Kinch, put that information
into code and get it off to London.
Ask for further instructions.
Right. HOGAN: The
rest of you circulate,
see what you can
find out from the goons.
Right, sir. Colonel?
One more thing
about that phone call.
As soon as Klink heard the
words "Adolf Hitler Division,"
he got scared. I could
hear it in his voice.
That's our commandant.
If they ever promote him,
it'll be to Coward First Class.
500 wooden spoons.
Correct.
700 kilos potatoes.
Check.
100 kilos black pepper.
Check.
Why so much black pepper?
It helps with the potatoes.
300 kilos salt.
Just a minute.
The next item should
be 5,000 wooden plates.
Now, where is it?
Herr Kommandant,
I-I thought I had it here.
You thought you had it?
What did you use to think with?
Certainly not your head.
Find it.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
This inefficiency.
Sometimes I wonder
how we can win the war.
So, do I.
Oh, shut up.
Find it.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Excuse me, Herr Colonel.
Yes, yes, yes, what is it?
There are two officers
here to see you, sir.
Who are these people?
Is Stalag 13 a
tourist attraction
for every officer who
passes through town?
Soon we'll be serving tea.
They're from the
Adolf Hitler Division.
Well, don't just stand
there... Make some tea.
Heil Hitler. Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Welcome to Stalag 13.
Gentlemen, please be seated.
Oh, what a pleasure
it is to meet you.
Schultz, out! Dismissed!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Please, please.
We have no desire to
interrupt your routine.
Please, carry on.
Yes, Schultz, please carry on.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Colonel, Leutnant
Doenitz and myself
are chairmen of an organization
called "Beautify Berchtesgaden."
"Beautify Berchtesgaden"?
What a lovely idea.
I am so glad you approve.
We have been taking donations
from all the officers
of all the services,
Leutnant rank and above.
Our objective is
one million marks.
Well, that doesn't seem
too much for a worthy cause.
Oh, then we may
count on you for help?
Of course.
There is an artillery regiment
five miles from
here, by the coast.
I know the commander very well.
He's a good friend of mine.
I will just make a call...
Yes, he, uh, he
gave us 3,000 marks.
And your name.
Yes, he's a very good friend.
Now, gentlemen, I
realize you would like me
to donate to this cause,
but unfortunately...
Wait, Colonel, please?
Doenitz?
Now, here we
have our white list.
And here we have the black list.
Those on the white
list have given.
Those on the
black list have not.
Both lists will be
presented to the fuhrer.
The white list is filled.
The black list is blank...
until now.
We are just a poor
little POW camp.
Oh, come now, Colonel.
There is not little,
uh... How you say?
Hanky-panky going on
with the prisoners'
ration money?
Captain, I swear to you,
I have never taken a
single pfennig from...
Oh, well.
There had to be a first.
Now, "Klink," no?
Yes, sir.
Corporal Wil...
I mean Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
Lo and behold,
Wilhelm Klink's
name led all the rest.
Gentlemen, please,
don't jump to conclusions.
Here you are, you little devils.
Wooden plates, 5,000.
Belie... 5,000?
5,000?
Thank you very much, Colonel.
There has been some mistake.
You'd like to give 10,000?
It's a mistake if you thought
I wouldn't want to give
to Beautify Berchtesgaden.
Your pledge must be redeemed
by the first of the month.
Heil Hitler. Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
5,000 marks.
I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant.
"Sorry," he says.
You dunderhead.
You big mouth, you
big mouth dunderhead.
Herr Kommandant, I-I
just read the requisitions.
5,000 marks.
Herr Kommandant,
it is against the law
for an officer to
strike an enlisted man.
Strike you... no.
Shoot you, yes.
"Information on the Hitler
Division extremely valuable.
Job well done."
Hey, that's marvelous.
Wow. Isn't that great?
If you fellas are
finished taking bows
I'd like to go on.
"More intelligence details
on the Hitler Division
"vitally important.
"Why in your area?
"Are they staging
for active duty?
"Which front?
Send answers
soonest, top priority."
Those guys are kidding.
How are we going
to get that stuff?
Yeah, it won't be easy.
Blimey, sometimes I think
they forget we're prisoners.
I don't have any
trouble remembering.
What about that beer
joint near the crossroads?
Hilda's Hofbrau?
Yeah, if one of us
could get in there,
we might pick up a few answers.
Who'd be crazy enough
to go into a place
filled with Krauts?
Me. Tonight.
After roll call.
I'll go out through
the emergency exit,
in uniform, of course.
Newkirk, what have
you got in stock?
Oh, if you'll step this way.
Here we are, sir.
Gestapo, SS...
Guten Abend, Herr Major.
Welcome.
Fraulein.
The war seems to be going well.
Boys and girls, you know.
Yes, the boys
seem to be winning.
There are no tables
left at the moment,
unless you don't mind sharing.
With you?
Gentlemen, would you
mind sharing your table
with this officer?
Not at all. Danke.
Beer, please.
For the gentlemen,
too. Thank you.
Right away, Major.
I'm Milheiser, and this
is Leutnant Doenitz.
Gentlemen.
Major Hoople.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler. Heil Hitler.
Luftwaffe in this part
of the country, Major?
Yes, Luft Stalag
13 down the road.
Oh, you are assigned
to the POW camp?
In a way, yes.
Temporary duty.
Coincidence.
We met your colonel today.
Kommandant Klink?
Yes, old blood and guts.
That Klink is a
real tower of jelly.
Gentlemen, if you
think you've got
a true picture of my
commanding officer...
Yes?
You do.
Oh. Ah.
Danke, danke.
Danke, Hilda.
To Hilda. Ah.
Frau Hilda.
Mmm. Eh.
Mmm.
Oh, this beer is terrible.
It tastes good to me.
My last combat assignment,
there was no beer at all.
Really?
No, no, that wasn't
the worst of it.
The real problem was the cold.
You'd wake up in the morning,
you'd have to defrost your
toothpaste with a blowtorch.
Conditions are that
bad on the eastern front?
I didn't say anything
about the eastern front.
Perhaps not by name, but...
Is that where you're going?
Let us just say that
we are not moving west.
Then my deepest sympathy.
Major, could you tell us
something that might be helpful?
Doenitz, that is enough.
There is such a
thing as security.
The captain is right.
Forget it.
Anyway, let's drink to
a soldier's best friend.
The Fuhrer. The Fuhrer.
Fuhrer?
I'm talking about
long winter underwear.
Uh, Major, tell me something?
Have you ever heard
of the Beautify
Berchtesgaden Fund?
No, I've been away.
We are raising some
money as a gift to the fuhrer.
Oh, say no more.
Gentlemen, how about,
um... say 500 marks?
Well, very generous.
Indeed it is.
Wherever did you get
such nice, brand-new bills?
I have a couple of men
who make them up for me.
Ah...
Of course, a fellow
could do worse.
You're very attractive.
You have a nice
business going here.
Not after tomorrow.
I'm giving it up.
What?
You can't do that.
We need more information.
Information?
About you.
I mean, after all,
we've just met.
I can't manage alone,
and help is impossible
to get because of the war.
Is that all?
Oh, I can fix that.
You mean you could
get me a waiter?
Oh, that's no problem.
I will get you a work
detail of prisoners
from Luft Stalag 13.
Oh, that would be marvelous.
Then I could keep
the place open.
That's the most important thing.
It sure is.
Oh, Major, how can I ever
express my appreciation?
Take this down,
Kinch, and code it:
Stalag 13 to
Headquarters London.
Strong evidence
Adolf Hitler Division
moving to the Russian Front.
Will try to obtain
absolute confirmation
and further details.
Sign that Hogan, got it?
Right. Good.
I've got a lovely
old big mouth Kraut
at one of my tables, Colonel.
He's telling his girlfriend
all about some new guns.
Good. Stay with it. Right, sir.
Wiener schnitzel
with an egg on it.
Ordering: two
liverwurst sandwiches
on pumpernickel
with plenty of onion.
Liverwurst? Onion? Barbarians.
If I get an order for
chicken à la bonne femme,
you'll be the first to know.
LeBeau, I need a double schnapps
and a lettuce and
tomato sandwich.
Lettuce and tomatoes
and whiskey?
Now, what kind
of an order is that?
It's for a drunken vegetarian.
Germans.
Colonel, there's a
corporal over there
with a snow cape in his pack...
The kind we use in the
ski troops, you know?
That settles it.
They're not going to
spend the winter in Miami.
Sacre bleu! Schultz.
Whoops.
Colonel, what shall we do?
If I knew, would
I be sitting here?
Mind if I join the party?
Just a minute. You're a
waiter. You're a soldier.
I never said anything
when you sat down, did I?
Waiter, ein bier, bitte.
Yes, sir.
And, uh, bring
me a little cheese.
It goes good with the beer.
And, uh, I...
You!
Uh, cheese with the beer.
Right away, sir.
Now, just a minute.
What are you doing here?
And him?
And him?
Ach du lieber Himmel.
Hi, Schultz.
Colonel Hogan, you, too?
And wearing an
officer's uniform?
Achtung.
Please don't do that.
How did you get out of the camp?
It's a long, dull
story, Schultz.
I want the truth. Well, I could
tell you we went out over the wire.
Over the wire? But that
wouldn't be telling you the truth.
Ja? And I'd hate to tell you
anything that wasn't true. So?
So forget it. Okay.
Good that you did not lie to me.
Now, what are you doing here?
See that woman over there?
That's Hilda.
She runs the place.
She's a widow.
Nice looking tomato.
With eight children.
Ah... so many kinder,
and she's so young.
She got an early start.
Look, if we don't work here,
she's going to have
to close the place
because she can't get any help,
and without any money,
those poor, innocent little kids
are going to go without
food. Oh, that's terrible.
You wouldn't want that on
your conscience, would you?
Oh, no.
I am a family man myself.
And you're also a great
humanitarian, Schultz.
Danke. I try to be.
Now, everybody out,
or I have to report
this to Klink at once.
You said you were a family man.
Yes. My own.
Now, everybody back to camp.
All right, Schultz,
have it your way.
Only thing is you're going
to have to explain to Klink
how we escaped while
you were on duty...
but I'll get the
rest of the fellows.
No, w-w-w-w-wait, Colonel Hogan.
You don't think I'd have a
widow with kids be without food.
Have the beer and
cheese sent outside.
Outside?
That way it's easier
to see nothing!
Gentlemen, I realize today
is the first of the month.
You have the money, of course?
Of course.
Well, I am very
glad to hear that.
Well... where is it?
I must draw the
money from the bank,
and I can't get away right now.
And you won't get away later
unless you redeem that pledge.
Not redeem?
Whatever put that
thought into your head?
You did.
You will bring it to us at
our headquarters in town.
Or this evening,
be at Hilda's Hofbrau
down the road.
Heil Hitler. Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Herr Kommandant, I...
Ah, shut up.
5,000 Marks. I
am finished, kaput.
A brilliant military career
gone after so many years.
Why didn't I go to spy
school when I had a chance?
They said I was talented.
Anything I can do,
Herr Kommandant?
Yes. Get me 5,000 Marks.
Wish I could.
I'm sure.
Believe me, Herr
Kommandant, I'm a poor man.
I even have no right to be fat.
Well, there's no
use crying about it.
I must face things as they are.
What are you going to
do, Herr Kommandant?
Do? Tell them the truth.
Tonight, I shall walk into
Hilda's Hofbrau with my head high
and I shall confess to them.
I think, Herr Kommandant,
you are right to...
Hilda's Hofbrau?
You're sure of it?
He told it to me himself.
That's bad. It ain't good.
Your boys are not
to go there tonight.
It's too late, Schultz.
The boat sailed.
They've been gone about an hour.
Donnerwetter.
He will see them, and
after he sees them,
he will come back and
see me, and after that,
no one is going to see me again.
Do you think we could
get a message to 'em?
It's our only chance.
I'll wear the uniform
again and go out the...
emergency tunnel.
I'm sorry, Schultz.
I'd rather have it that way.
Kinch, go get
the uniform. Right.
Now, listen carefully.
You've got to stall Klink.
We need enough time to
get everybody out of Hilda's.
But how-how can I...?
Oh, come on,
Schultz, if you don't,
we're in big trouble,
big, big trouble.
But how shall I stall
him? What shall I say?
You'll think of something.
You're a clever man.
Colonel Hogan, this is
not the time to lie to me.
Schultz, I'm leaving.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Now, there is a chance
I may not come back.
I may never be heard from again.
Oh, no, Herr Kommandant.
If that happens, you will have
a new commanding officer.
Now, Schultz... help
him, give him a break.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
I am willing. What shall I do?
Have yourself transferred
to another camp.
Oh, please, Herr
Kommandant, may I?
All right.
Schultz, what are you doing?
Oh, I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant.
Herr Kommandant, just a moment.
Your scarf, please.
All right, all right, all right.
Herr Kommandant,
please, may I talk to you?
Yes, yes, what is it?
Herr Kommandant,
please. I have a problem.
That is the
understatement of the year.
According to
regulations, I am entitled
to discuss my problem
with my superior officer.
There is nothing I can
say that would help you.
I'm sorry, Hilda, it
cannot be helped.
But if you take the
prisoners away now...
It's an emergency.
I have my orders.
Colonel...
Get the colonel.
Telephone call for Major Hoople.
Excuse me.
Hello, Major Hoople. Hello?
Psst! Psst!
Klink.
Go out the back door.
There is no back door.
I'll make one.
Um, stand up.
I'm going to march
you out of here
like we're going back to camp.
Follow me.
Major.
Won't you join us, huh?
Don't panic. Wait right here.
You know Leutnant Doenitz
and your colonel, of course.
Yeah, Colonel. You?
You all know each other?
Major Hoople is a
very good friend of ours.
Major who?
Not who, Hoople.
He has trouble with
names sometimes.
Hogan.
That's my first name:
Hogan. Hogan Hoople.
Where did you get that uniform?
Oh, they've got a great little
army and navy store in town,
and they've got a
special this week:
30% off on tee shirts,
assorted colors.
What are you doing here?
I was just taking a
work detail back to camp.
A work de...
Oh, no.
I think I have
a fever after all.
Brought on by the fact
that you do not have
the 5,000 Marks, eh?
Captain, I have not been
able to get to the bank today,
but I assure you...
Excuse me, Colonel,
have you forgotten?
What? Forgotten what?
You sent me to the bank for you.
I did?
I did.
It all seems to be here.
Five thousand.
Do you think a German
officer would shortchange you?
Well, thank you
very much, Colonel.
Fraulein, beer for
everyone, please.
I'm terribly sorry, gentlemen.
I must be getting along.
What a pity.
Yes, I was beginning to enjoy
the major's company.
Some people can sit
around drinking beer.
I have a prisoner
of war camp to run.
Gentlemen.
Colonel Hogan, you are confined
to the barracks
until further notice,
and your men are sentenced
to 30 days in the cooler.
Now, Colonel...
And then you will be arrested
as a spy wearing
a German uniform.
We only borrowed it for a night.
And you, Sergeant Blabbermouth,
will answer to a
court-martial for this.
Well, that's very unfair, sir.
Schultz was only
trying to help you out.
Let us work in the
Hofbrau to raise
your 5,000 Marks. Is that true?
Whatever Colonel Hogan says.
He was standing guard
outside the Hofbrau...
and now you want
to court-martial him.
Well, that puts everything
into a different light.
I will have to give the whole
matter some more consideration.
Dismissed.
Well, that's one way
to skin a commandant.
Colonel Hogan, how
did you get the money?
Let's just say I had it made
up by native craftsmen.
Counterfeit! Ach du lieber.
For this, Milheiser and Doenitz could
spend the rest of the war in chains.
We can only hope.
program in color.
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All right, Carter,
what did you see?
A panzer division...
16 Tiger tanks
and the supply trucks
right behind them.
And then the goon
took the glasses away.
Newkirk?
Well, LeBeau saw that
and another column as well.
Oh, easily a mile long.
Troop carriers,
support artillery
and a medical unit.
They went flying down the
road past that beer garden.
Hilda's Hofbrau.
Kinch? I tapped
Klink's phone line
and took the conversation
down verbatim.
That's why he's
a staff sergeant.
Oh, shucks, Colonel.
Newkirk, give me a
hand with this, huh?
Hello.
Colonel Klink speaking.
Hello.
This is Captain Milheiser,
Adolf Hitler Division.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Sounds vaguely familiar.
Colonel, I will be
coming to see you today
on a matter of the
greatest importance.
Let me assure you,
any officer of the
Adolf Hitler Division
is always welcome at Stalag 13.
Ah, very good.
Adolf Hitler Division, huh?
They made a lot
of trouble in France.
What are they
doing in this area,
obviously at full strength?
Kinch, put that information
into code and get it off to London.
Ask for further instructions.
Right. HOGAN: The
rest of you circulate,
see what you can
find out from the goons.
Right, sir. Colonel?
One more thing
about that phone call.
As soon as Klink heard the
words "Adolf Hitler Division,"
he got scared. I could
hear it in his voice.
That's our commandant.
If they ever promote him,
it'll be to Coward First Class.
500 wooden spoons.
Correct.
700 kilos potatoes.
Check.
100 kilos black pepper.
Check.
Why so much black pepper?
It helps with the potatoes.
300 kilos salt.
Just a minute.
The next item should
be 5,000 wooden plates.
Now, where is it?
Herr Kommandant,
I-I thought I had it here.
You thought you had it?
What did you use to think with?
Certainly not your head.
Find it.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
This inefficiency.
Sometimes I wonder
how we can win the war.
So, do I.
Oh, shut up.
Find it.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Excuse me, Herr Colonel.
Yes, yes, yes, what is it?
There are two officers
here to see you, sir.
Who are these people?
Is Stalag 13 a
tourist attraction
for every officer who
passes through town?
Soon we'll be serving tea.
They're from the
Adolf Hitler Division.
Well, don't just stand
there... Make some tea.
Heil Hitler. Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Welcome to Stalag 13.
Gentlemen, please be seated.
Oh, what a pleasure
it is to meet you.
Schultz, out! Dismissed!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Please, please.
We have no desire to
interrupt your routine.
Please, carry on.
Yes, Schultz, please carry on.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Colonel, Leutnant
Doenitz and myself
are chairmen of an organization
called "Beautify Berchtesgaden."
"Beautify Berchtesgaden"?
What a lovely idea.
I am so glad you approve.
We have been taking donations
from all the officers
of all the services,
Leutnant rank and above.
Our objective is
one million marks.
Well, that doesn't seem
too much for a worthy cause.
Oh, then we may
count on you for help?
Of course.
There is an artillery regiment
five miles from
here, by the coast.
I know the commander very well.
He's a good friend of mine.
I will just make a call...
Yes, he, uh, he
gave us 3,000 marks.
And your name.
Yes, he's a very good friend.
Now, gentlemen, I
realize you would like me
to donate to this cause,
but unfortunately...
Wait, Colonel, please?
Doenitz?
Now, here we
have our white list.
And here we have the black list.
Those on the white
list have given.
Those on the
black list have not.
Both lists will be
presented to the fuhrer.
The white list is filled.
The black list is blank...
until now.
We are just a poor
little POW camp.
Oh, come now, Colonel.
There is not little,
uh... How you say?
Hanky-panky going on
with the prisoners'
ration money?
Captain, I swear to you,
I have never taken a
single pfennig from...
Oh, well.
There had to be a first.
Now, "Klink," no?
Yes, sir.
Corporal Wil...
I mean Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
Lo and behold,
Wilhelm Klink's
name led all the rest.
Gentlemen, please,
don't jump to conclusions.
Here you are, you little devils.
Wooden plates, 5,000.
Belie... 5,000?
5,000?
Thank you very much, Colonel.
There has been some mistake.
You'd like to give 10,000?
It's a mistake if you thought
I wouldn't want to give
to Beautify Berchtesgaden.
Your pledge must be redeemed
by the first of the month.
Heil Hitler. Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
5,000 marks.
I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant.
"Sorry," he says.
You dunderhead.
You big mouth, you
big mouth dunderhead.
Herr Kommandant, I-I
just read the requisitions.
5,000 marks.
Herr Kommandant,
it is against the law
for an officer to
strike an enlisted man.
Strike you... no.
Shoot you, yes.
"Information on the Hitler
Division extremely valuable.
Job well done."
Hey, that's marvelous.
Wow. Isn't that great?
If you fellas are
finished taking bows
I'd like to go on.
"More intelligence details
on the Hitler Division
"vitally important.
"Why in your area?
"Are they staging
for active duty?
"Which front?
Send answers
soonest, top priority."
Those guys are kidding.
How are we going
to get that stuff?
Yeah, it won't be easy.
Blimey, sometimes I think
they forget we're prisoners.
I don't have any
trouble remembering.
What about that beer
joint near the crossroads?
Hilda's Hofbrau?
Yeah, if one of us
could get in there,
we might pick up a few answers.
Who'd be crazy enough
to go into a place
filled with Krauts?
Me. Tonight.
After roll call.
I'll go out through
the emergency exit,
in uniform, of course.
Newkirk, what have
you got in stock?
Oh, if you'll step this way.
Here we are, sir.
Gestapo, SS...
Guten Abend, Herr Major.
Welcome.
Fraulein.
The war seems to be going well.
Boys and girls, you know.
Yes, the boys
seem to be winning.
There are no tables
left at the moment,
unless you don't mind sharing.
With you?
Gentlemen, would you
mind sharing your table
with this officer?
Not at all. Danke.
Beer, please.
For the gentlemen,
too. Thank you.
Right away, Major.
I'm Milheiser, and this
is Leutnant Doenitz.
Gentlemen.
Major Hoople.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler. Heil Hitler.
Luftwaffe in this part
of the country, Major?
Yes, Luft Stalag
13 down the road.
Oh, you are assigned
to the POW camp?
In a way, yes.
Temporary duty.
Coincidence.
We met your colonel today.
Kommandant Klink?
Yes, old blood and guts.
That Klink is a
real tower of jelly.
Gentlemen, if you
think you've got
a true picture of my
commanding officer...
Yes?
You do.
Oh. Ah.
Danke, danke.
Danke, Hilda.
To Hilda. Ah.
Frau Hilda.
Mmm. Eh.
Mmm.
Oh, this beer is terrible.
It tastes good to me.
My last combat assignment,
there was no beer at all.
Really?
No, no, that wasn't
the worst of it.
The real problem was the cold.
You'd wake up in the morning,
you'd have to defrost your
toothpaste with a blowtorch.
Conditions are that
bad on the eastern front?
I didn't say anything
about the eastern front.
Perhaps not by name, but...
Is that where you're going?
Let us just say that
we are not moving west.
Then my deepest sympathy.
Major, could you tell us
something that might be helpful?
Doenitz, that is enough.
There is such a
thing as security.
The captain is right.
Forget it.
Anyway, let's drink to
a soldier's best friend.
The Fuhrer. The Fuhrer.
Fuhrer?
I'm talking about
long winter underwear.
Uh, Major, tell me something?
Have you ever heard
of the Beautify
Berchtesgaden Fund?
No, I've been away.
We are raising some
money as a gift to the fuhrer.
Oh, say no more.
Gentlemen, how about,
um... say 500 marks?
Well, very generous.
Indeed it is.
Wherever did you get
such nice, brand-new bills?
I have a couple of men
who make them up for me.
Ah...
Of course, a fellow
could do worse.
You're very attractive.
You have a nice
business going here.
Not after tomorrow.
I'm giving it up.
What?
You can't do that.
We need more information.
Information?
About you.
I mean, after all,
we've just met.
I can't manage alone,
and help is impossible
to get because of the war.
Is that all?
Oh, I can fix that.
You mean you could
get me a waiter?
Oh, that's no problem.
I will get you a work
detail of prisoners
from Luft Stalag 13.
Oh, that would be marvelous.
Then I could keep
the place open.
That's the most important thing.
It sure is.
Oh, Major, how can I ever
express my appreciation?
Take this down,
Kinch, and code it:
Stalag 13 to
Headquarters London.
Strong evidence
Adolf Hitler Division
moving to the Russian Front.
Will try to obtain
absolute confirmation
and further details.
Sign that Hogan, got it?
Right. Good.
I've got a lovely
old big mouth Kraut
at one of my tables, Colonel.
He's telling his girlfriend
all about some new guns.
Good. Stay with it. Right, sir.
Wiener schnitzel
with an egg on it.
Ordering: two
liverwurst sandwiches
on pumpernickel
with plenty of onion.
Liverwurst? Onion? Barbarians.
If I get an order for
chicken à la bonne femme,
you'll be the first to know.
LeBeau, I need a double schnapps
and a lettuce and
tomato sandwich.
Lettuce and tomatoes
and whiskey?
Now, what kind
of an order is that?
It's for a drunken vegetarian.
Germans.
Colonel, there's a
corporal over there
with a snow cape in his pack...
The kind we use in the
ski troops, you know?
That settles it.
They're not going to
spend the winter in Miami.
Sacre bleu! Schultz.
Whoops.
Colonel, what shall we do?
If I knew, would
I be sitting here?
Mind if I join the party?
Just a minute. You're a
waiter. You're a soldier.
I never said anything
when you sat down, did I?
Waiter, ein bier, bitte.
Yes, sir.
And, uh, bring
me a little cheese.
It goes good with the beer.
And, uh, I...
You!
Uh, cheese with the beer.
Right away, sir.
Now, just a minute.
What are you doing here?
And him?
And him?
Ach du lieber Himmel.
Hi, Schultz.
Colonel Hogan, you, too?
And wearing an
officer's uniform?
Achtung.
Please don't do that.
How did you get out of the camp?
It's a long, dull
story, Schultz.
I want the truth. Well, I could
tell you we went out over the wire.
Over the wire? But that
wouldn't be telling you the truth.
Ja? And I'd hate to tell you
anything that wasn't true. So?
So forget it. Okay.
Good that you did not lie to me.
Now, what are you doing here?
See that woman over there?
That's Hilda.
She runs the place.
She's a widow.
Nice looking tomato.
With eight children.
Ah... so many kinder,
and she's so young.
She got an early start.
Look, if we don't work here,
she's going to have
to close the place
because she can't get any help,
and without any money,
those poor, innocent little kids
are going to go without
food. Oh, that's terrible.
You wouldn't want that on
your conscience, would you?
Oh, no.
I am a family man myself.
And you're also a great
humanitarian, Schultz.
Danke. I try to be.
Now, everybody out,
or I have to report
this to Klink at once.
You said you were a family man.
Yes. My own.
Now, everybody back to camp.
All right, Schultz,
have it your way.
Only thing is you're going
to have to explain to Klink
how we escaped while
you were on duty...
but I'll get the
rest of the fellows.
No, w-w-w-w-wait, Colonel Hogan.
You don't think I'd have a
widow with kids be without food.
Have the beer and
cheese sent outside.
Outside?
That way it's easier
to see nothing!
Gentlemen, I realize today
is the first of the month.
You have the money, of course?
Of course.
Well, I am very
glad to hear that.
Well... where is it?
I must draw the
money from the bank,
and I can't get away right now.
And you won't get away later
unless you redeem that pledge.
Not redeem?
Whatever put that
thought into your head?
You did.
You will bring it to us at
our headquarters in town.
Or this evening,
be at Hilda's Hofbrau
down the road.
Heil Hitler. Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Herr Kommandant, I...
Ah, shut up.
5,000 Marks. I
am finished, kaput.
A brilliant military career
gone after so many years.
Why didn't I go to spy
school when I had a chance?
They said I was talented.
Anything I can do,
Herr Kommandant?
Yes. Get me 5,000 Marks.
Wish I could.
I'm sure.
Believe me, Herr
Kommandant, I'm a poor man.
I even have no right to be fat.
Well, there's no
use crying about it.
I must face things as they are.
What are you going to
do, Herr Kommandant?
Do? Tell them the truth.
Tonight, I shall walk into
Hilda's Hofbrau with my head high
and I shall confess to them.
I think, Herr Kommandant,
you are right to...
Hilda's Hofbrau?
You're sure of it?
He told it to me himself.
That's bad. It ain't good.
Your boys are not
to go there tonight.
It's too late, Schultz.
The boat sailed.
They've been gone about an hour.
Donnerwetter.
He will see them, and
after he sees them,
he will come back and
see me, and after that,
no one is going to see me again.
Do you think we could
get a message to 'em?
It's our only chance.
I'll wear the uniform
again and go out the...
emergency tunnel.
I'm sorry, Schultz.
I'd rather have it that way.
Kinch, go get
the uniform. Right.
Now, listen carefully.
You've got to stall Klink.
We need enough time to
get everybody out of Hilda's.
But how-how can I...?
Oh, come on,
Schultz, if you don't,
we're in big trouble,
big, big trouble.
But how shall I stall
him? What shall I say?
You'll think of something.
You're a clever man.
Colonel Hogan, this is
not the time to lie to me.
Schultz, I'm leaving.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Now, there is a chance
I may not come back.
I may never be heard from again.
Oh, no, Herr Kommandant.
If that happens, you will have
a new commanding officer.
Now, Schultz... help
him, give him a break.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
I am willing. What shall I do?
Have yourself transferred
to another camp.
Oh, please, Herr
Kommandant, may I?
All right.
Schultz, what are you doing?
Oh, I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant.
Herr Kommandant, just a moment.
Your scarf, please.
All right, all right, all right.
Herr Kommandant,
please, may I talk to you?
Yes, yes, what is it?
Herr Kommandant,
please. I have a problem.
That is the
understatement of the year.
According to
regulations, I am entitled
to discuss my problem
with my superior officer.
There is nothing I can
say that would help you.
I'm sorry, Hilda, it
cannot be helped.
But if you take the
prisoners away now...
It's an emergency.
I have my orders.
Colonel...
Get the colonel.
Telephone call for Major Hoople.
Excuse me.
Hello, Major Hoople. Hello?
Psst! Psst!
Klink.
Go out the back door.
There is no back door.
I'll make one.
Um, stand up.
I'm going to march
you out of here
like we're going back to camp.
Follow me.
Major.
Won't you join us, huh?
Don't panic. Wait right here.
You know Leutnant Doenitz
and your colonel, of course.
Yeah, Colonel. You?
You all know each other?
Major Hoople is a
very good friend of ours.
Major who?
Not who, Hoople.
He has trouble with
names sometimes.
Hogan.
That's my first name:
Hogan. Hogan Hoople.
Where did you get that uniform?
Oh, they've got a great little
army and navy store in town,
and they've got a
special this week:
30% off on tee shirts,
assorted colors.
What are you doing here?
I was just taking a
work detail back to camp.
A work de...
Oh, no.
I think I have
a fever after all.
Brought on by the fact
that you do not have
the 5,000 Marks, eh?
Captain, I have not been
able to get to the bank today,
but I assure you...
Excuse me, Colonel,
have you forgotten?
What? Forgotten what?
You sent me to the bank for you.
I did?
I did.
It all seems to be here.
Five thousand.
Do you think a German
officer would shortchange you?
Well, thank you
very much, Colonel.
Fraulein, beer for
everyone, please.
I'm terribly sorry, gentlemen.
I must be getting along.
What a pity.
Yes, I was beginning to enjoy
the major's company.
Some people can sit
around drinking beer.
I have a prisoner
of war camp to run.
Gentlemen.
Colonel Hogan, you are confined
to the barracks
until further notice,
and your men are sentenced
to 30 days in the cooler.
Now, Colonel...
And then you will be arrested
as a spy wearing
a German uniform.
We only borrowed it for a night.
And you, Sergeant Blabbermouth,
will answer to a
court-martial for this.
Well, that's very unfair, sir.
Schultz was only
trying to help you out.
Let us work in the
Hofbrau to raise
your 5,000 Marks. Is that true?
Whatever Colonel Hogan says.
He was standing guard
outside the Hofbrau...
and now you want
to court-martial him.
Well, that puts everything
into a different light.
I will have to give the whole
matter some more consideration.
Dismissed.
Well, that's one way
to skin a commandant.
Colonel Hogan, how
did you get the money?
Let's just say I had it made
up by native craftsmen.
Counterfeit! Ach du lieber.
For this, Milheiser and Doenitz could
spend the rest of the war in chains.
We can only hope.