Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 14 - Oil for the Lamps of Hogan - full transcript

CBS presents this
program in color.

Honor guard, Achtung!

Who could that be?

Somebody important, maybe?

General Burkhalter,
welcome to Stalag l3.

Colonel Klink,

this is Herr Fritz Bowman,

I.G. Bowman Industries.

Herr Bowman, my pleasure, sir.

He's got a beautiful fur collar.

And I've got a sudden
attack of curiosity.



LeBeau, take listening
post number three.

See what you can
find out about that kraut.

Right, Colonel.

Uh, be careful.

The collar may still be alive.

All right, Newkirk,
get the lead out.

You're dogging it, boy.

Oh, look at that, Carter.

We got a new boss, we have.

Yeah? Well, Kinch is right.

You're goofing off.

When I want your
opinion, I'll ask for it, Yank.

Get your hands off him.

Stop it. I'll report
you to the Sergeant.



Oh, oh, ex... Hey, excuse me.

I lost me head. I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't have done
that for the world.

Fighting when there is a war on?

This is not nice.

I'm sorry, Schultz.
It was my fault. I-I...

No, it really was my fault.

No it wasn't. It was my fault.

No, I did it. It was my fault.

Quiet!

One, two, three.

The count is right.

Look at Schultz.

He can count up to
three. He's brilliant.

Night school paying
off, huh, Schultz?

Night school paying off.

Ha. Jolly jokers.

Raus...

Right face.

And forward march.

Uh, one, two, three, four.

Uh, one, uh, two,
uh, three, uh, four.

Have to be tough with them,

otherwise they
do not respect you.

Yes, sir.

Dismissed.

Fraulein Helga, we do
not wish to be disturbed.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Nice to see you again, my dear.

Thank you, sir.

Gentlemen, may I
offer some refreshment?

Now let us get down to business.

Of course.
Refreshments can wait.

First, our mission
is top secret.

We must have absolute security.

Herr General, you
can depend on that.

The security at Stalag 13

is absolutely airtight.

That's most reassuring.

Thank you, Herr Bowman.

We are on our toes
here at Stalag l3.

General Burkhalter
will tell you that...

Here is the problem.

He'll tell you later.

Our industrial plants have
been taking a terrible beating

from allied bombing attacks.

The Fuhrer is very concerned.

So he turned the
problem over to me.

I have developed an idea.

Brilliant.

I haven't told
you what it is yet.

I.G. Bowman Industries was going

to build a new synthetic
fuel plant at Velthuysen.

It almost certainly
will be bombed.

I think that's a
fair assumption.

Yes, that's a fair
assump... tion.

But there is one place
the Allies will not bomb.

A prisoner of war camp.

So why not put
the plant right here?

Leave the buildings as they
are and build a new Stalag 13.

With all due respect,
Herr General,

I cannot believe

that would fool
the allied bombers.

Colonel, I said it was my idea.

They'll never find it, sir.

As soon as Stalag 13 is ready,
we will move your prisoners

to any of the other
Luft Stalags temporarily.

Yes, sir.

So, how soon will you be
ready with your command?

I can have that
information for you

as soon as possible,
Herr General.

Fine. Herr Bowman and I
will be here for a few days,

look over the grounds
and discuss plans.

Of course, sir.

May I show you to my
quarters personally?

Oh, you will like it here

at Stalag 13, Herr Bowman.

Friendly, just the
right touch of hostility

that has made us famous.

You know, when I
took over command...

Klink.

Coming, Herr General.

Quick, a glass of wine.

I'm fainting.

Snap out of it, Louis.

Make it burgundy.
'33 was a good year.

You know what?

I bet he's got claustrophobia.

Now you tell me?

Moving us?

You're sure about it?

Oui, mon Colonel.

As soon as possible, they said.

It means we're finished.

And out of business, kaput.

Well, we can't move.

The guys just started
digging another tunnel.

Another one?

Well, this one goes

on top of the others.

We needed an overpass.

Well, tell them to forget it.

If we don't come
up with something,

everything goes... tunnels,
radio, contacts in town.

Even LeBeau's mushrooms
under the Rec Hall.

Never. I'll kill first.

I suppose when we
get to the new Stalag,

we might get organized again.

Well, I could carry a
few radio parts along.

How do you carry a tunnel?

Uh, c'est fini.

It's terrible.

Wait a minute, wait
a minute, hold it.

You guys throw in
the towel awful fast.

There must be a way to keep them

from building
that refinery here.

How? I don't know.

We'll stall for time

and come up with something.

Kinch, get a message
off to London,

tell them what's happening.

We may need some help...

Colonel Hogan? Shh!

Shh.

Colonel Klink wants to see you

in his office, right away.

Fine, Schultz.

Why am I whispering?

You really want to know?

I don't want to know nothing...

What does Klink want?

I don't know, but this may be
our chance to buy some time.

Carter, get me the
picture of Klink off the wall

of the delousing station.

Okay.

I'm going to try to
reach our Kommandant

through his heart,
if I can find it.

You sent for me, Colonel?

Yes, Hogan. Sit down, sit down.

All right.

I have some
important news for you.

The entire personnel
of Stalag 13,

prisoners and guards...

Are about to be
moved? That's it.

How did you know?

Just an educated guess.

That kraut, or German
that came in this morning,

uh, looked like a
real estate dealer.

Does the General know
you're selling the camp?

Insolence.

We are being moved to
another Luft Stalag temporarily

while a new and modern
Stalag 13 is being built.

I can hardly wait.

Hogan, I warn you,
any attempt at escape

during this transfer will
be severely punished.

You don't have to
worry on that score, sir.

Good.

We'll try.

Now, you've been warned.

I expect you and your men
to be ready for this move

within three days.

Impossible.

That word does not
exist in my vocabulary.

Oh, come on, moving isn't easy.

There's a lot to be done...

Packing, writing letters,

having the phone turned off.

I am not interested
in your problems.

Three days, ready or not.

Dismissed.

Uh, sir, I have a request.

Would you autograph
this picture for the boys?

Me autograph a picture for them?

Oh, nothing elaborate.

Just a greeting, maybe, uh,

"Good luck to the gang
from the Iron Colonel."

The Iron Colonel?

The Iron Colonel.

I must say I'm rather surprised.

Well, we've had
our differences, but

heck, there have been a lot

of tunnels going under the wire

since we've been at Stalag 13.

And besides, it's something

to remember you by.

Sometimes you find sentiment
in the strangest places.

You can say that again.

Wait.

Something to remember me by?

I'm not going anywhere.

Am I?

Sure you are.

Back into combat, you lucky dog.

Combat?

This move is General
Burkhalter's idea.

He is a General
of the Third Reich,

the Fuhrer's right hand man.

Are you suggesting
that he is a liar?

How do you think he got

to be the Fuhrer's
right hand man?

No. It can't be.

Did he tell you anything
about the new Stalag 13,

or anything about
the transit camp,

or anything really important?

Now that you mention it, no.

Why is he doing this?

Oh, it's a quiet way

to disperse the
POWs to other camps.

I've seen it done before.

Yeah, but it won't
be so bad for you.

It won't?

Oh, you're going

to be flying again.

The German Eagle back up

in the wild blue yonder,

screaming down to drop
your eggs in the snow.

Snow?

Well, I mean, let's face it.

Moscow isn't exactly
the French Riviera.

But I am not qualified
to fly these new planes.

Ah, you'll pick it
up easy enough,

and if you don't,
they'll pick you up.

Sorry, that's bad taste.

Break up Stalag 13?

I don't believe it.

Herr Kommandant,

the General's
here to see you, sir.

At ease, gentlemen.

You have told Hogan the news?

We were just discussing it, sir.

Never mind the discussion.

I want action.

How soon will you be ready?

Oh, we were just trying
to determine that, sir.

I'd like more information
about this new Stalag 13.

You will find out soon enough.

I want to know which Luft Stalag

we're going to be
sent to temporarily.

That has not been determined.

Will my men be protected

from the civilian
population during the move?

Security is none of your affair.

What is this?

I walk in here,

and the prisoner of war
begins to question me?

No offense, Herr General.

I want the estimate
of your moving time

as quickly as possible,

or there will be an offense...

against you.

You believe it now?

Ducked every question.

When I pressed
him, he pulled rank.

Yes, yes.

What is to be done?

Well, if I were you, I'd
stall as much as you can.

Burkhalter may change his mind,

or it could be changed for him.

You don't know him.
He is a mountain.

That's true. He ought
to cut down on starches.

The German Eagle,

dropping my eggs in the snow.

It's-It's terrible.

Well, that's the way
the big war bounces.

Hi, Schultz.

Hi, Colonel.

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

What are you doing in there?

Just putting back an
empty oil drum, Schultz.

You know what they say: a
neat Stalag's a happy Stalag.

No one is allowed in there

without the orders
of the commandant.

You don't understand, Schultz.

We're putting
back, not taking out.

Do you want me to be in trouble?

Heaven forbid.

Well, then take it out.

All right, Newkirk,
Kinch, bring it back out.

Here we go.

That's better.

Please, Colonel Hogan,
do not go in here again.

Of course not... uh,
uh, by the way, Schultz,

I won't say
anything if you don't.

I saw nothing. Nothing.

Hey, Schultz!

Guten abend, Schultz.

What gives?

What are you trying to do?

We're escaping, buddy.
We dug our way out.

We're taking a scarper.

Back into the... before
someone catches you.

Come on, Schultz,
sound the alarm.

You're all going to
get us into trouble.

You've caught us.
Take us to your leader.

Please... don't tell
me my business.

Kommandant!
Kommandant! Kommandant!

Sound the alarm!

So, you tried to
dig your way out,

and you came up
under the water tower.

Boy, did we ever
make a wrong turn.

It's a wildcat operation, sir.

The Escape Committee
knew nothing about it.

I am not interested in
your Escape Committee.

How do you know... you've
never been to any meetings.

You think it's funny, huh?

Well, you have plenty of
chances to laugh... in the cooler!

Schultz.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

30 days in solitary.

Sentence to begin the moment

General Burkhalter
leaves Stalag 13.

Schultz didn't do anything.

Not him, them.

It will be done,
Herr Kommandant.

Now, get them out of my sight.

Prisoners, left face.

Wait, wait, wait, wait...

What is that dirt on your faces?

Nothing, Colonel.
Just a little shoe polish.

We didn't want to
shine in the moonlight.

Yeah, you know, like the
commandos in the movies.

There is no moon tonight.

Nobody ever tells us anything.

Schultz, get 'em out of here.

Just a minute, Hogan.

Raise your hand.

That is oil.

Sure, there's lots
of it down there.

Carter.

Sorry, Colonel.

Idiot.

Him and his ruddy big mouth.

Go on, tell me more.

Might as well.
You blew it anyway.

There's so much oil down there

that you can't even
dig a decent tunnel.

That's why we
got caught tonight.

It was either that
or drown in that stuff.

Why, the other day,
we were down there,

and there was so much oil...

Carter.

Thank you, gentlemen.

I shall give the matter
some further thought.

Schultz, take them away.
Hogan, you will remain.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Forverts, march.

A one, a two, a three, a four,

a one, a two, a three, a four...

It's probably just a broken
pipeline that runs under the camp.

Hogan, do you want
me to go out there

and start digging myself?

Okay, you know
most of it anyway.

Tell me, Hogan,
is this really oil?

Not just oil,
Commandant, black gold.

Stalag 13 is located
right over a sea

of high-grade pure crude money.

When did you discover this?

Well...

remember about,
uh, six months ago,

there was an
American lieutenant,

an engineer who was
captured and brought here?

He found it?

Yeah, just before he was
transferred to Stalag 9.

Besides being an engineer,
he was also a geologist.

Confirmed by an expert?

You bet he is.

You have been sitting
on this for six months?

Like a mother hen.

You see, I figured
that after the war,

prisoner camps would be selling
for about, oh, ten cents apiece.

I'd come back and buy Stalag
13, sink a few wells and...

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes?

There'd be dancing
in the streets.

Just call me Diamond Jim Hogan.

You are a greedy,
selfish person.

I do my best.

You'd keep it all to yourself?

There's enough oil down
there to make ten millionaires.

There is?

Let us, uh, build on that
thought for a moment.

What do you got in
mind, Commandant?

After the war, a
sign on the gate,

and instead of Stalag 13,

it reads, "The Klink and
Hogan Oil Company."

So, your name
comes first, Wilhelm?

Wilhelm?

Aren't we being a
little familiar, Hogan?

I think partners should be.

Oh, you don't know
what this means to me.

After the war, I won't just have

a 500-year-old
aristocratic name,

but for the first time,
some money to go with it.

I will be impossible.

You're doing all right now.

Look, I hate to shoot you
down right over the target,

but we have a problem.

What?

They go ahead
and build on this site,

they're bound to find out
about the oil, and we're dead.

What can we do?

We should change the
name on the front gate

to read, "The Burkhalter,
Klink, Hogan Oil Company."

Who needs Burkhalter?

We do. He's got the
power to leave Stalag 13

and our oil just the way it is.

Give him a piece of the pie?

Or there won't be any.

I've got to get some sleep.

Good night, Colonel.

Good night, Lucky.

Oil field?

An oil field, you say?

I saw it myself.

Herr General, as
we are talking here,

there is a sea of oil beneath
us bubbling, bubbling,

trying to come to the
surface and turn into money.

Klink, you're making
a spectacle of yourself.

Forgive me, Herr General.

It's the excitement
of the money.

I mean, the moment.

The question is
whether to drill for it now

or later, much later.

You mean, like, after the war?

Uh, that kind of later?

The war effort
of the Third Reich

is being geared to the
use of synthetic fuel.

An important oil
discovery right now

could easily upset
the entire economy.

That is brilliant, Herr
General, absolutely brilliant.

I had a feeling you'd agree.

But what about Herr
Bowman and the new plans?

I'll have a talk
with him tomorrow.

I don't think he's going
to be too hard to handle.

Oh, not for you, Herr General.

The three of us are going to
make a winning combination.

The three of us? Oh, yes.

The "Burkhalter, Klink,
Hogan Oil Company."

Hogan? Who needs Hogan?

Well, he's the one who...

Go to bed, Klink,

before you give away any
more shares of my company.

I'm sorry I cannot
agree with you, General.

It is an ideal
location for the plant.

The railroad is
three miles away.

Simple enough to
have some track laid.

There is no airport.

So we can build one in a week.

I want to remind
you, Herr Bowman,

that I represent the
Fuhrer in this project,

and if I make a
decision, it is final.

Of course... that
is truly patriotic

and for the good of Germany.

General, I respect your
position and your frankness,

and I have a suggestion

that can easily
resolve our differences.

Yes?

We will each submit our
proposal to the Fuhrer...

and let him decide.

I may have been a bit hasty.

Perhaps if we look over
the grounds once more.

I'll try to keep an open mind.

Of course, General.

There is something I would
like Herr Bowman to see

that would certainly
show him... Fraulein Helga.

Yes, Herr Kommandant.

Will you please tell Schultz to
get Hogan over here right away?

Bowman is holding out.

He wants the plant built here.

Well, that's it,
then. We've had it.

Yeah, we're through.

And it looks like we're
out of the escape business.

Now, there's one
more thing we can do.

Kinch, take this message,
get it off to London.

Right. Shoot.

Colonel Hogan, Stalag
13, Headquarters London.

Request fake bombing
mission tomorrow 1500 hours.

Repeat, no bombs.
Require leaflets.

Carter. Yes, sir.

Tonight, you and Newkirk plant some
dynamite charges in the compound.

Wire 'em up so we can set
'em off when we're ready.

All right, Colonel. Okay.

Uh, Colonel, what do you want
Headquarters to print on these leaflets?

Let me see, uh... To
Whom It May Concern...

Colonel Hogan.

I hope Burkhalter's
making headway with him.

Well, we don't have to worry
about our senior partner.

He's one of the great
con artists of all time.

If he doesn't convince
Bowman, we are through.

I wouldn't say that.

I told you it was a bad idea.

Take cover.

I told you this was a bad idea.

Colonel, I think
we've struck oil.

Schultz!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant?

Get the prisoners
back into the barracks.

Who, me?

Yes, you.

Prisoners, back
into the barracks!

"To Whom It May Concern...

"Today is a sample
of what you will get

if you build a plant at
Stalag 13. Good luck."

Our security has been broken.

Bowman, this finishes
any plans for building here.

Of course, but how
did they find out?

I haven't the slightest
idea, but we can...

Wait a minute. Hogan...

Hogan? Hogan?

Don't look at me.
I only work here.

It is incredible, Colonel Hogan,

you deliberately
poured oil in...

into that hole to fool me.

And there is the evidence.

Also to save you... sir.

What?

If they had gone ahead
with their plans to build,

by now you'd be
on the eastern front.

Perhaps.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

General Burkhalter still thinks

that there is oil
under this can.

And he won't do a thing
about it till after the war.

It's obvious the way things
are going, you're going to lose,

so Burkhalter goes
back into the woodwork.

Of course.

Wait.

Suppose we should win?

Impossible.

Why?

How do you expect to
win a war without oil?