Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 15 - Reservations Are Required - full transcript
During an operation to send out twenty Allied soldiers, two of them attempt an early escape and are nearly captured.
CBS presents this
program in color.
All ready?
Yes, sir.
Newkirk.
LeBeau's ready to move out.
We need a diversion.
Righto. Righto, Colonel.
Sleepy, Grandma?
Leave off.
Get going. Be careful.
Don't get yourself shot.
In this outfit, could
you blame 'em?
Halt!
Halt!
Nein, nein, nein.
The Englander.
He's sleep-walking.
Wake up, Newkirk.
Newkirk...
Wake up.
Oh, Fraulein.
Oh, Fraulein, ich
liebe dich. Ich...
No, no, stop.
You can't come with me.
I'm only going to
dig for mushrooms.
Bismarck...
Kaiser... sit, sit, sit.
Good, now stay.
If you're good, I'm going
to bring you back a cat.
All right, boys and
girls, to the kennel.
Guten Abend.
Ich bin Deutsch?
Your German is terrible.
Hey, what are you doing?
All right, sound off, buddy.
Who are you?
Corporal LeBeau.
I'm digging for mushrooms.
That's cute.
No, it's true.
Every Friday we have
sauce La Champignon
on our boiled potatoes.
I'm a P.O.W.
Yeah? Who won the
World Series in 1940?
"Who won the World Series..."
How do I know?
Ask me who was at the
Folies Bergere in l940.
That I know.
You're a P.O.W.?
Yes. Stalag 13.
Braden. This is Mills. Hi.
Hi, Mills.
We tunneled out of Stalag 9
a couple of hours ago.
We've got to get in
touch with Colonel Hogan.
Colonel Hogan?
Our escape officer
told us about him.
Now, why didn't he notify
us through the underground?
We took off on our own.
We need fake I.D. cards,
civilian clothes,
maps and money.
How about it?
That's possible.
Do you have a reservation?
You mean a guy has to make
a reservation for an escape?
Well, we're booked right
through New Year's Eve.
We tunneled through
400 feet of rock and mud.
We're not going to stop now.
Okay, I'll take you to Hogan.
What did you do?
Dig your tunnel
through Times Square?
Cominskey, Corporal Walter.
Cominskey, Corporal Walter.
Palmer, Sergeant John.
Hackensack, New Jersey.
Palmer, Sergeant John.
Hey, any mail for me?
That's all of them, Colonel.
Could be it's
only the first wave.
I make it, uh, 20 men.
That's just enough
for a marching band.
All right, let me
have your attention.
Welcome to Stalag 13, fellas.
For your information, we're
in the escape business.
Oh, this must be the place.
You said it. We didn't
know you were coming,
so it's going to
be a little tough.
Too many to handle, Colonel?
Generally we
handle two or three.
This is our first venture
in the wholesale business.
Newkirk, we'll need civilian
clothes for everybody.
Right, Colonel.
We'll also need some
forged papers, Carter.
All right. The first
ten men report to me
tomorrow at 0930 hours
in tunnel number four.
I'll take your pictures
for German I.D. cards.
All right, look, fellas,
when we're ready, we'll
move 'em out of the tunnel
in hut number three.
Kinch, get on the
radio to London.
Arrange a pick-up point.
Tell 'em to send
a big submarine...
uh, with a trailer.
All right, are there
any questions?
Colonel...
all this organization you got
here sounds great, sir, but...
We're an old established firm.
But it's going to take
an awful long time
to outfit 20 guys.
He's rock happy, Colonel.
We'll move you out
as soon as we can.
Yeah, I know, sir,
but wouldn't it be bet...
You have any complaints,
see the Auto Club, huh?
Hey, if it comes out okay,
I want a couple of dozen prints.
Hey, come on, knock it off.
Now, don't smile.
Try to look as
German as possible.
All right, next.
Waist, 26 inches.
26?
What are you, in the
Army or the Cub Scouts?
I was drafted.
No wonder it's taken
us so long to win the war.
Yes, Herr General.
I heard the news.
A most regrettable business.
20 men escaping from Stalag 9.
The Commandant,
Colonel Smeckler,
is a personal friend of mine.
I must telephone him immediately
and express my
deepest sympathy, yes.
What? Oh, yes...
Long distance to
Russia is very expensive.
Yes, Herr General, I understand.
I understand
completely, Herr General.
Don't do that, Colonel Hogan.
It leaves me weak.
How weak?
Very.
What's the Colonel
want to see me about?
I can't tell you.
I'm not supposed to tell you.
No...
Honey, I've got all day.
What was the question?
I forget.
You may rest
assured, Herr General,
we are always on the alert here.
You know our proud boast.
No one has ever
escaped from Stalag 13.
Goodbye, Herr General.
What?
Oh, yes, of
course... Heil Hitler.
You know, it is most gratifying
to have the confidence
of one's superior officer.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Too bad that's not the
case with you, Schultz.
I'm only a humble
Sergeant, Herr Kommandant.
Yes, an accident of war.
Now, where is Hogan?
I sent for him 20 minutes ago.
At once.
Colonel Hogan!
Sit down, Colonel.
Hogan, I sent for you
because it is necessary
for us to have a little chat.
Chat away.
Undoubtedly you are aware
that there is another
Stalag not too far from here.
Yeah, Stalag 9.
I'm not going to be
transferred, am I?
Why? You like it here?
"Like" is hardly the word.
I mean, it's like a
home away from home.
Schultz, did you hear that?
There's a war on,
he's a prisoner,
yet he calls it a home.
I think he's stir crazy.
Silence! You will speak
only when you're spoken to.
You spoke to me,
Herr Kommandant.
Next time don't answer.
Oh!
Colonel Hogan,
I want to give you
some information
and a little advice.
First, there has been
an escape from Stalag 9.
There has?
Hey, that's wonderful.
Schultz, you never
tell us anything.
I know nothing.
I warn you... don't be
encouraged by this news
to try something foolish.
Who'd want to escape
from all this beauty?
All this beauty.
Silence.
Things have been
awfully quiet around here.
You're up to something.
I am watching you every minute.
Dismissed.
Incidentally, Colonel,
how did the boys
of Stalag 9 get out?
A tunnel.
And again I advise
you not to try it.
Oh, come on, we
wouldn't dig a tunnel.
Good.
Go out in a helicopter
with parachutes.
Insolence.
Somewhere we can drop
you, like the Russian Front?
Out!
All guards are to go on
special alert immediately.
I will spot check
the huts personally.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
A helicopter, indeed.
What a clever idea.
Shut up.
Mills, Mills, wake up. Hmm...
Wake up. Hmm!
You awake? Yes.
Listen, a guy told me
there's a road construction
a few miles from here,
and every day they send
a tank truck to get water
inside the gate.
I saw it.
Okay, they open
the top hatch to fill it.
The goons always
watch the driver.
If we come on the blind side...
And what about the driver?
He's a civilian Kraut.
Once we're inside, we
can hear him climbing up.
Then we go under the
water till he closes the hatch.
You with me?
I don't know.
Hogan said he'd get us out.
That might take weeks.
20 guys... papers, clothes...
Yeah, but if we blow it,
they might grab everybody.
Look, I got you out
of Stalag 9, didn't I?
Well, yeah.
Okay, we go tomorrow.
Gin.
Hi, Kinch.
Any word from London?
Yeah. The sub will be
standing by every night
beginning tomorrow.
Newkirk?
Civilian clothes are
finished, Colonel.
Fitting tonight.
The I.D. cards will be
finished this afternoon.
All right, we'll move
'em out tomorrow night.
We'll use the tunnel
in hut number three.
All right, all right.
Yeah, I bet a truck like that
holds maybe a thousand gallons.
Make a lovely dry martini.
Where would you
get a 50-pound olive?
Now, you take
a truck like that...
hey, there's Braden and Mills.
What are they doing out?
Going for the truck.
They're barmy.
Hey, let's get
them. No, no, hold it.
If they get caught,
they'll ruin it for the lot.
Klink's worried 'cause things
have been too quiet.
Let's just change
that right now.
Move in when I give the okay.
Schultz, what would
you say if I told you
there were a couple of prisoners
in that water tank, huh?
Good luck to them.
What would they
be doing in there?
What's the first thing
that comes to your mind?
They are thirsty?
No, come on, think
of something crazy.
They're trying to escape?
That's why you're a sergeant.
Raus! Raus!
Out! Out! Out with you! Out!
Ha! Ha! Hahahaha!
Oh, how could you do this to me?
You cannot trust
anybody anymore!
Bad boys!
Barnes, Davis.
You clods go hide in my office.
I'm sorry, Colonel.
Go!
What's up Colonel?
All right, the Krauts
will be here in a minute
looking for Braden and Mills.
That's for sure.
We can't give 'em up,
otherwise we'll blow
the whole operation, right?
Sure, Colonel. So.
Colonel! What's that for?
That's for trying to hide
out in the water truck.
So you wouldn't take
my advice, eh, Hogan?
Where are the two prisoners
who tried to escape?
If you stood any closer to them,
your Iron Cross would get rusty.
Oh, you fools.
Here's my reward.
30 days in the cooler.
Take them away.
30 days is a cruel, inhuman,
unjustified punishment,
to be inflicted
only by a sadist.
Flattery will gain you
nothing, my dear, Colonel.
30 days. Boy, that's
a bum rap, Colonel.
It's shocking.
All right, Klink's
had his fun for today.
Now he'll relax.
We move the Stalag 9
boys out tonight, ready or not.
Yes, Colonel.
One last detail, sir?
What is it, Lebeau?
Permission to punch
Braden and Mills in the nose.
Here he comes now.
Anybody tell you fellows
we have an escape going tonight?
Yeah, we're ready.
What about the tunnel?
You were gonna fix the trap.
He's behind the times.
He's an officer, you know.
It was finished hours ago.
Sure, we even
moved the entrance.
Oh. Uh-huh. I see.
We're going to play games, huh?
You want me to find
where the new entrance is?
No wonder he's a colonel.
Catches on... just like that.
Okay, I'll play.
We figure if you can't find it,
the goons won't.
Watch.
Very, very old
fashioned, that colonel.
Ah.
I can tell by your face, Carter.
Wrong.
That's the sauerbraten
I had for lunch.
Okay, I give up. You win.
Will you follow us, please?
Excuse me a minute, old man?
So, you'll be five
minutes late for the ball.
Ta-ta-dah.
Gee, Dad, it's a tunnel.
You never had a chance.
You do good work.
You really do.
Well, let's face it, Colonel.
What would you do without us?
Yeah. That's right.
You fellows wouldn't be mad
if I told you I-I knew it
was there all the time?
Yes, I would.
All right, then,
I won't tell you.
You're a fine-looking
bunch of Krauts.
Hey!
Colonel, I'd like to report
a peeping Tom, here.
All right, all right.
Now, you got your identity
papers and your rations.
You're going to travel in twos.
Got your maps?
They got everything.
All right, LeBeau,
you're gonna be in charge
of the other end to get
them through the hole.
Yes, sir. I'm ready.
It's time. They're gonna be
changing the guards
in a couple of minutes.
All right, saddle
up. Here we go.
Let's go, let's go.
Now don't leave anything behind.
Take care. Watch
that first step.
All right, come
on, keep it moving.
I'm after the lady.
Come on, you should've...
You should've done
that long before, now.
Come on.
Now, get all your stuff.
Don't even look. Pick it up.
Don't leave anything behind.
Shh. Silence. Quiet.
Knock it off, huh?
I'm going up.
Two goons.
How close?
I could read "Made in
Japan" on their boots.
Go tell Hogan we
can't use the hole.
Keep it moving down there, huh?
Hey, what's going on down there?
They just passed the word
we can't use the tunnel.
Goons in the way.
Oh, great.
We're going to run out
of time and darkness.
Simultaneously, I should think.
You, better wash it
out for tonight, Colonel.
The way Klink's been acting?
Spot checks, special alerts.
He's relaxed. We've gotta move.
Yeah, but how do we
get past those goons?
Trade him one end of
the tunnel for the other.
Carter and Newkirk,
into the tunnel.
Right, okay.
Break through and
give yourselves up.
You're having a
go at us, aren't you?
You heard me.
Break through,
give yourselves up.
We got to let 'em know
where we are. Come on.
He's mad, you know. He's mad.
Sir, I'd like to
request a transfer
to the paratroops.
Braden...
the rest of your men down there,
stay underneath the floor.
When you hear this...
move 'em out fast and quiet.
Two taps. Got it.
You're brilliant.
I'm going to recommend
you for officer's training.
The colonel wants us
to give ourselves up.
Let the goons capture us?
That's what the man said.
What happens in your
army if you shoot a colonel?
In my army, we get
the Croix de Guerre.
Lafayette, I am here.
Alone, I'm all alone.
Raus! Schnell!
Halt! Halt!
After them! After them!
How would you like to buy a
couple of nice German shepherds?
I was only exercising them.
Aha, a tunnel, eh?
Did you get them all?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
All right, let's not
waste any time.
Where did this
tunnel start, huh?
You'll never find out,
no matter what you do to us.
That goes for me, too.
My lips are sealed.
Oh, no. We have
ways to make you talk,
and we will use them!
Oh! Oh! All
right, I'll tell you.
The tunnel starts
in hut number three.
Hut number three?
Dirty squealer!
I never could stand pain.
I knew I'd get it out of them.
Hut number three.
Hut number three!
Hut number three!
Let's get it! Go! I
knew it! I knew it!
When I give you the word,
stamp twice... pow, pow.
Gotcha.
Here they come.
Aha, aha, aha.
So, caught you
with the goods, huh?
Hogan, I have warned you
many times and again you try.
I have had enough of this.
Herr Kommandant, please, may I?
No one, but no one, ever
escapes from Stalag 13.
Oh, Herr Kommandant,
your foot's swelled
by the excitement.
Dummkopf.
Jawohl.
Cancel that order.
A nice little tunnel.
Colonel Hogan, what
happened to your helicopter, huh?
We're waiting for spare parts.
I will not forget this madness.
Schultz, they're to
begin work immediately
filling in this tunnel.
A little hard labor all
night won't hurt them.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
And then tomorrow,
when the job is done,
we will take the next
corrective measure.
What do you think of
that, Colonel Hogan?
Well, look at this way...
You can't win 'em all.
Of course not.
But you can try.
Job's finished, Colonel.
Tunnel's all filled in.
Oh, Newkirk.
Yes, it's me.
Boys must be tired, huh?
Nah, not at all. We
could have carried on
for at least another
five minutes.
I have to see the big shot.
Well, he's on the phone,
but he'll be out in a minute.
I can wait, baby.
Bluebirds have all
flown the coop, sir.
All 20?
Should be over the white
cliffs of Dover by now.
And what are you mumbling about?
We're just saying if you
lost a little weight, Schultz,
you'd look 20 years younger.
Forget it. I'm
handsome as it is.
Am I right, Helga, baby?
Well, we're all happy
this morning, huh?
Herr Kommandant,
I have to report
the tunnel has been filled
in. It is completely kaput.
Excellent, Schultz.
And now, Hogan,
for the punishment
I promised you.
30 days in the cooler
for all your men.
Schultz, the formation at once.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Colonel Hogan, are you going
to parade your men to the cells?
You must be kidding.
Well, knowing you as I do,
I thought you might like to
join your men in the cooler
as a gesture.
Actually, there's
nothing I'd enjoy more,
but I can't.
And why not?
Somebody's got to
warm up the helicopter.
program in color.
All ready?
Yes, sir.
Newkirk.
LeBeau's ready to move out.
We need a diversion.
Righto. Righto, Colonel.
Sleepy, Grandma?
Leave off.
Get going. Be careful.
Don't get yourself shot.
In this outfit, could
you blame 'em?
Halt!
Halt!
Nein, nein, nein.
The Englander.
He's sleep-walking.
Wake up, Newkirk.
Newkirk...
Wake up.
Oh, Fraulein.
Oh, Fraulein, ich
liebe dich. Ich...
No, no, stop.
You can't come with me.
I'm only going to
dig for mushrooms.
Bismarck...
Kaiser... sit, sit, sit.
Good, now stay.
If you're good, I'm going
to bring you back a cat.
All right, boys and
girls, to the kennel.
Guten Abend.
Ich bin Deutsch?
Your German is terrible.
Hey, what are you doing?
All right, sound off, buddy.
Who are you?
Corporal LeBeau.
I'm digging for mushrooms.
That's cute.
No, it's true.
Every Friday we have
sauce La Champignon
on our boiled potatoes.
I'm a P.O.W.
Yeah? Who won the
World Series in 1940?
"Who won the World Series..."
How do I know?
Ask me who was at the
Folies Bergere in l940.
That I know.
You're a P.O.W.?
Yes. Stalag 13.
Braden. This is Mills. Hi.
Hi, Mills.
We tunneled out of Stalag 9
a couple of hours ago.
We've got to get in
touch with Colonel Hogan.
Colonel Hogan?
Our escape officer
told us about him.
Now, why didn't he notify
us through the underground?
We took off on our own.
We need fake I.D. cards,
civilian clothes,
maps and money.
How about it?
That's possible.
Do you have a reservation?
You mean a guy has to make
a reservation for an escape?
Well, we're booked right
through New Year's Eve.
We tunneled through
400 feet of rock and mud.
We're not going to stop now.
Okay, I'll take you to Hogan.
What did you do?
Dig your tunnel
through Times Square?
Cominskey, Corporal Walter.
Cominskey, Corporal Walter.
Palmer, Sergeant John.
Hackensack, New Jersey.
Palmer, Sergeant John.
Hey, any mail for me?
That's all of them, Colonel.
Could be it's
only the first wave.
I make it, uh, 20 men.
That's just enough
for a marching band.
All right, let me
have your attention.
Welcome to Stalag 13, fellas.
For your information, we're
in the escape business.
Oh, this must be the place.
You said it. We didn't
know you were coming,
so it's going to
be a little tough.
Too many to handle, Colonel?
Generally we
handle two or three.
This is our first venture
in the wholesale business.
Newkirk, we'll need civilian
clothes for everybody.
Right, Colonel.
We'll also need some
forged papers, Carter.
All right. The first
ten men report to me
tomorrow at 0930 hours
in tunnel number four.
I'll take your pictures
for German I.D. cards.
All right, look, fellas,
when we're ready, we'll
move 'em out of the tunnel
in hut number three.
Kinch, get on the
radio to London.
Arrange a pick-up point.
Tell 'em to send
a big submarine...
uh, with a trailer.
All right, are there
any questions?
Colonel...
all this organization you got
here sounds great, sir, but...
We're an old established firm.
But it's going to take
an awful long time
to outfit 20 guys.
He's rock happy, Colonel.
We'll move you out
as soon as we can.
Yeah, I know, sir,
but wouldn't it be bet...
You have any complaints,
see the Auto Club, huh?
Hey, if it comes out okay,
I want a couple of dozen prints.
Hey, come on, knock it off.
Now, don't smile.
Try to look as
German as possible.
All right, next.
Waist, 26 inches.
26?
What are you, in the
Army or the Cub Scouts?
I was drafted.
No wonder it's taken
us so long to win the war.
Yes, Herr General.
I heard the news.
A most regrettable business.
20 men escaping from Stalag 9.
The Commandant,
Colonel Smeckler,
is a personal friend of mine.
I must telephone him immediately
and express my
deepest sympathy, yes.
What? Oh, yes...
Long distance to
Russia is very expensive.
Yes, Herr General, I understand.
I understand
completely, Herr General.
Don't do that, Colonel Hogan.
It leaves me weak.
How weak?
Very.
What's the Colonel
want to see me about?
I can't tell you.
I'm not supposed to tell you.
No...
Honey, I've got all day.
What was the question?
I forget.
You may rest
assured, Herr General,
we are always on the alert here.
You know our proud boast.
No one has ever
escaped from Stalag 13.
Goodbye, Herr General.
What?
Oh, yes, of
course... Heil Hitler.
You know, it is most gratifying
to have the confidence
of one's superior officer.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Too bad that's not the
case with you, Schultz.
I'm only a humble
Sergeant, Herr Kommandant.
Yes, an accident of war.
Now, where is Hogan?
I sent for him 20 minutes ago.
At once.
Colonel Hogan!
Sit down, Colonel.
Hogan, I sent for you
because it is necessary
for us to have a little chat.
Chat away.
Undoubtedly you are aware
that there is another
Stalag not too far from here.
Yeah, Stalag 9.
I'm not going to be
transferred, am I?
Why? You like it here?
"Like" is hardly the word.
I mean, it's like a
home away from home.
Schultz, did you hear that?
There's a war on,
he's a prisoner,
yet he calls it a home.
I think he's stir crazy.
Silence! You will speak
only when you're spoken to.
You spoke to me,
Herr Kommandant.
Next time don't answer.
Oh!
Colonel Hogan,
I want to give you
some information
and a little advice.
First, there has been
an escape from Stalag 9.
There has?
Hey, that's wonderful.
Schultz, you never
tell us anything.
I know nothing.
I warn you... don't be
encouraged by this news
to try something foolish.
Who'd want to escape
from all this beauty?
All this beauty.
Silence.
Things have been
awfully quiet around here.
You're up to something.
I am watching you every minute.
Dismissed.
Incidentally, Colonel,
how did the boys
of Stalag 9 get out?
A tunnel.
And again I advise
you not to try it.
Oh, come on, we
wouldn't dig a tunnel.
Good.
Go out in a helicopter
with parachutes.
Insolence.
Somewhere we can drop
you, like the Russian Front?
Out!
All guards are to go on
special alert immediately.
I will spot check
the huts personally.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
A helicopter, indeed.
What a clever idea.
Shut up.
Mills, Mills, wake up. Hmm...
Wake up. Hmm!
You awake? Yes.
Listen, a guy told me
there's a road construction
a few miles from here,
and every day they send
a tank truck to get water
inside the gate.
I saw it.
Okay, they open
the top hatch to fill it.
The goons always
watch the driver.
If we come on the blind side...
And what about the driver?
He's a civilian Kraut.
Once we're inside, we
can hear him climbing up.
Then we go under the
water till he closes the hatch.
You with me?
I don't know.
Hogan said he'd get us out.
That might take weeks.
20 guys... papers, clothes...
Yeah, but if we blow it,
they might grab everybody.
Look, I got you out
of Stalag 9, didn't I?
Well, yeah.
Okay, we go tomorrow.
Gin.
Hi, Kinch.
Any word from London?
Yeah. The sub will be
standing by every night
beginning tomorrow.
Newkirk?
Civilian clothes are
finished, Colonel.
Fitting tonight.
The I.D. cards will be
finished this afternoon.
All right, we'll move
'em out tomorrow night.
We'll use the tunnel
in hut number three.
All right, all right.
Yeah, I bet a truck like that
holds maybe a thousand gallons.
Make a lovely dry martini.
Where would you
get a 50-pound olive?
Now, you take
a truck like that...
hey, there's Braden and Mills.
What are they doing out?
Going for the truck.
They're barmy.
Hey, let's get
them. No, no, hold it.
If they get caught,
they'll ruin it for the lot.
Klink's worried 'cause things
have been too quiet.
Let's just change
that right now.
Move in when I give the okay.
Schultz, what would
you say if I told you
there were a couple of prisoners
in that water tank, huh?
Good luck to them.
What would they
be doing in there?
What's the first thing
that comes to your mind?
They are thirsty?
No, come on, think
of something crazy.
They're trying to escape?
That's why you're a sergeant.
Raus! Raus!
Out! Out! Out with you! Out!
Ha! Ha! Hahahaha!
Oh, how could you do this to me?
You cannot trust
anybody anymore!
Bad boys!
Barnes, Davis.
You clods go hide in my office.
I'm sorry, Colonel.
Go!
What's up Colonel?
All right, the Krauts
will be here in a minute
looking for Braden and Mills.
That's for sure.
We can't give 'em up,
otherwise we'll blow
the whole operation, right?
Sure, Colonel. So.
Colonel! What's that for?
That's for trying to hide
out in the water truck.
So you wouldn't take
my advice, eh, Hogan?
Where are the two prisoners
who tried to escape?
If you stood any closer to them,
your Iron Cross would get rusty.
Oh, you fools.
Here's my reward.
30 days in the cooler.
Take them away.
30 days is a cruel, inhuman,
unjustified punishment,
to be inflicted
only by a sadist.
Flattery will gain you
nothing, my dear, Colonel.
30 days. Boy, that's
a bum rap, Colonel.
It's shocking.
All right, Klink's
had his fun for today.
Now he'll relax.
We move the Stalag 9
boys out tonight, ready or not.
Yes, Colonel.
One last detail, sir?
What is it, Lebeau?
Permission to punch
Braden and Mills in the nose.
Here he comes now.
Anybody tell you fellows
we have an escape going tonight?
Yeah, we're ready.
What about the tunnel?
You were gonna fix the trap.
He's behind the times.
He's an officer, you know.
It was finished hours ago.
Sure, we even
moved the entrance.
Oh. Uh-huh. I see.
We're going to play games, huh?
You want me to find
where the new entrance is?
No wonder he's a colonel.
Catches on... just like that.
Okay, I'll play.
We figure if you can't find it,
the goons won't.
Watch.
Very, very old
fashioned, that colonel.
Ah.
I can tell by your face, Carter.
Wrong.
That's the sauerbraten
I had for lunch.
Okay, I give up. You win.
Will you follow us, please?
Excuse me a minute, old man?
So, you'll be five
minutes late for the ball.
Ta-ta-dah.
Gee, Dad, it's a tunnel.
You never had a chance.
You do good work.
You really do.
Well, let's face it, Colonel.
What would you do without us?
Yeah. That's right.
You fellows wouldn't be mad
if I told you I-I knew it
was there all the time?
Yes, I would.
All right, then,
I won't tell you.
You're a fine-looking
bunch of Krauts.
Hey!
Colonel, I'd like to report
a peeping Tom, here.
All right, all right.
Now, you got your identity
papers and your rations.
You're going to travel in twos.
Got your maps?
They got everything.
All right, LeBeau,
you're gonna be in charge
of the other end to get
them through the hole.
Yes, sir. I'm ready.
It's time. They're gonna be
changing the guards
in a couple of minutes.
All right, saddle
up. Here we go.
Let's go, let's go.
Now don't leave anything behind.
Take care. Watch
that first step.
All right, come
on, keep it moving.
I'm after the lady.
Come on, you should've...
You should've done
that long before, now.
Come on.
Now, get all your stuff.
Don't even look. Pick it up.
Don't leave anything behind.
Shh. Silence. Quiet.
Knock it off, huh?
I'm going up.
Two goons.
How close?
I could read "Made in
Japan" on their boots.
Go tell Hogan we
can't use the hole.
Keep it moving down there, huh?
Hey, what's going on down there?
They just passed the word
we can't use the tunnel.
Goons in the way.
Oh, great.
We're going to run out
of time and darkness.
Simultaneously, I should think.
You, better wash it
out for tonight, Colonel.
The way Klink's been acting?
Spot checks, special alerts.
He's relaxed. We've gotta move.
Yeah, but how do we
get past those goons?
Trade him one end of
the tunnel for the other.
Carter and Newkirk,
into the tunnel.
Right, okay.
Break through and
give yourselves up.
You're having a
go at us, aren't you?
You heard me.
Break through,
give yourselves up.
We got to let 'em know
where we are. Come on.
He's mad, you know. He's mad.
Sir, I'd like to
request a transfer
to the paratroops.
Braden...
the rest of your men down there,
stay underneath the floor.
When you hear this...
move 'em out fast and quiet.
Two taps. Got it.
You're brilliant.
I'm going to recommend
you for officer's training.
The colonel wants us
to give ourselves up.
Let the goons capture us?
That's what the man said.
What happens in your
army if you shoot a colonel?
In my army, we get
the Croix de Guerre.
Lafayette, I am here.
Alone, I'm all alone.
Raus! Schnell!
Halt! Halt!
After them! After them!
How would you like to buy a
couple of nice German shepherds?
I was only exercising them.
Aha, a tunnel, eh?
Did you get them all?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
All right, let's not
waste any time.
Where did this
tunnel start, huh?
You'll never find out,
no matter what you do to us.
That goes for me, too.
My lips are sealed.
Oh, no. We have
ways to make you talk,
and we will use them!
Oh! Oh! All
right, I'll tell you.
The tunnel starts
in hut number three.
Hut number three?
Dirty squealer!
I never could stand pain.
I knew I'd get it out of them.
Hut number three.
Hut number three!
Hut number three!
Let's get it! Go! I
knew it! I knew it!
When I give you the word,
stamp twice... pow, pow.
Gotcha.
Here they come.
Aha, aha, aha.
So, caught you
with the goods, huh?
Hogan, I have warned you
many times and again you try.
I have had enough of this.
Herr Kommandant, please, may I?
No one, but no one, ever
escapes from Stalag 13.
Oh, Herr Kommandant,
your foot's swelled
by the excitement.
Dummkopf.
Jawohl.
Cancel that order.
A nice little tunnel.
Colonel Hogan, what
happened to your helicopter, huh?
We're waiting for spare parts.
I will not forget this madness.
Schultz, they're to
begin work immediately
filling in this tunnel.
A little hard labor all
night won't hurt them.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
And then tomorrow,
when the job is done,
we will take the next
corrective measure.
What do you think of
that, Colonel Hogan?
Well, look at this way...
You can't win 'em all.
Of course not.
But you can try.
Job's finished, Colonel.
Tunnel's all filled in.
Oh, Newkirk.
Yes, it's me.
Boys must be tired, huh?
Nah, not at all. We
could have carried on
for at least another
five minutes.
I have to see the big shot.
Well, he's on the phone,
but he'll be out in a minute.
I can wait, baby.
Bluebirds have all
flown the coop, sir.
All 20?
Should be over the white
cliffs of Dover by now.
And what are you mumbling about?
We're just saying if you
lost a little weight, Schultz,
you'd look 20 years younger.
Forget it. I'm
handsome as it is.
Am I right, Helga, baby?
Well, we're all happy
this morning, huh?
Herr Kommandant,
I have to report
the tunnel has been filled
in. It is completely kaput.
Excellent, Schultz.
And now, Hogan,
for the punishment
I promised you.
30 days in the cooler
for all your men.
Schultz, the formation at once.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Colonel Hogan, are you going
to parade your men to the cells?
You must be kidding.
Well, knowing you as I do,
I thought you might like to
join your men in the cooler
as a gesture.
Actually, there's
nothing I'd enjoy more,
but I can't.
And why not?
Somebody's got to
warm up the helicopter.