Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 16 - Anchors Aweigh, Men of Stalag 13 - full transcript

CBS presents this
program in color.

Aha!

Schultz!

I-I followed you!
LeBeau! Colonel Hogan!

You are not supposed
to walk outside the camp.

Even you are not supposed
to walk outside the camp.

I wasn't, Schultz.

So what are you doing here?

We're here to meet
an escaped prisoner

from Stalag 5.

You want to be in the
welcoming committee?



Oh... I knew you were
up to something. I knew it!

Oh, you would like to see
me sent to the Russian front.

How can you say that, Schultz?

I couldn't get along without ya.

Besides, think of
the trouble we'd have

breaking in a new man.

LeBEAU: A German
truck! Get down!

Get down! Get down! Get down!

Here, where we were
supposed to meet him,

did you tell anyone, Schultz?

LeBeau, would I do
such a foolish thing?

Look, it's Michaels.
Come on, Schultz,

you don't want to
be rude to our guest.

Come on.



Michaels, Hogan.

I hope I didn't give
you chaps a start.

I stole this in confusion.

Hey, that's a late model.

How much can we get for it

in the black market, Schultz?

I know nothing of such things.

I must say, you chaps

do get yourselves up
as convincing Jerries.

Oh, don't worry about that,
Schultz, he's not one of us.

Pity.

By the way, Colonel Hogan, I
got a rather pleasant surprise

when I looked in
the back of the lorry.

Let's go.

The new gunsight; they
spot planes by computer.

The chaps at home
would be most interested.

I thought we might
sneak one into camp,

take it apart and send back

a set of blueprints.

Why not send the entire
gunsight back, huh?

That would be smashing.
Do you think we could?

Kind of simple.

When we get ready
to send you home

we send the gunsight with you.

In the meantime, we got
to get you back in camp.

I must say, I find the
whole thing hard to believe.

Me, too.

Our gunsight, escaped prisoner,

stolen truck.

What are we supposed
to do with the truck?

Schultz, as long as you're here,

would you mind
hiding it somewhere?

So, my dear Colonel,

I can assure you
I know everything.

Just by chance, by
chance, mind you,

does the name Michaels
ring a bell with you?

Michaels?

Michaels. Yes. Yes, it does.

Yes, it does. It does?

Yeah. I knew this English
girl, Diane Michaels... a beauty.

Peaches and cream complexion.

That is not the
Michaels I had in mind.

This one has a mustache.

Oh, we're talking
about two different girls.

For your information,
I am speaking

about a Captain Michaels
who was recently a prisoner

at Stalag 5.

Recently?

Yes, until those
fools let him escape.

Hogan, I tell you
there is only one way

to run a camp
and that is my way.

Iron hand, discipline, hard
work, keep the prisoners busy.

Colonel Klink,

thanks to you, we're kept
busy every minute of the day!

Right, Schultz?

Right. I mean, what do I
know what the prisoners do?

Schultz, don't you agree
that I run an unusual camp?

Oh, a most unusual,
Herr Kommandant.

Look, I've got work to do, so...

Hogan, not so fast!

I'm not finished with you yet!

Now this Captain Michaels...

Our last report was that
he stole one of our trucks

and was headed toward the coast.

Well, if I see a British officer

in a German truck,

then I'll know who it is, right?

Hogan, I am not playing games.

Now, perhaps you can explain

something to me.

According to this report,
this Captain Michaels

suddenly vanished,
army truck and all.

That is strange... a
truck disappearing.

Now, I don't believe it!

Perhaps those fools
at Stalag 5 believe it.

But I am convinced
that this Michaels

is somewhere in
this very vicinity.

You know, sir, you may be right.

I'm sure of it.

Now, the first thing to
do is to find the truck.

Schultz, since I
am short of men,

I am forced to put you in charge

of finding that truck.

Hello, Papa Bear,
this is Goldilocks.

How are you today?

A bit sticky here.
Nasty rain and all that.

I hope you chaps are bearing up?

The weather is okay.

We're having a little trouble
with our strawberries though.

That is a rough go. By the way,

that self-computing
item you wired me about.

Headquarters wants it
at once. Is that possible?

Can do.

Thanks, awfully.

We'd like to have the
commando, too, of course.

Of course.

Sub can pick up commando

same time picks up item.

I'm afraid that's going
to be a bit of a problem.

The sub. It's gone bad.

Can't cut the cake just now.

How did you figure
to pick up item?

We rather hoped you
chaps would have an idea.

American know-how and
ingenuity. That sort of thing.

Why not? Will do.
Over, Papa Bear.

If you don't mind my
asking, Colonel Hogan,

what exactly did
you have in mind?

Yes, old chap, what are
you going to use for a sub?

Yeah. How are you
going to get Michaels

across all that open sea, huh?

Did you expect
him to walk across?

You going to put the
gunsight in his pocket?

How are you going to
get him through the woods

with all the Krauts outside?

And what about
the Krauts inside?

If there's one
thing I can't stand

is men with small, petty minds.

Is the great man in?

Yes, and he's personally
supervising the search

for you know who.

That's a break for our side.
Will you tell him I'm here?

Ya, ya, ya?

Herr Kommandant,
Colonel Hogan is here.

Oh. Doesn't he
realize how busy I am?

All right, send him in.

The latest roster,
sir. Thank you.

Oh, please, let
me help you, sir.

Hey, hey. What are you doing?

Please, sit down, you
look pale and drawn.

I've seen it before.

Seen it? Seen what?
What, what, what?

Please, please.

Very gallant of you
to try to deny it, sir.

You see it, don't
you Fraulein Helga?

Oh, yes, I do, I do.

W-What are you
talking... Thank you.

Please, please, please.

Thank you.

I may be wrong, sir.

It may not be my place,
but I've got to tell you,

you look tired, very tired.

Right, Fraulein Helga?

Oh, yes, the colonel is
right, Herr Kommandant.

Oh...

Yes, yes, it has been wearing.

This Michaels fellow,

I have been personally
supervising the search.

Relentless, driving as I am.

Driving, that's how it starts.

What starts?

It's always the
symptoms. Yes, indeed.

You're pushing yourself
beyond all endurance.

And then, complete collapse.

Excuse me for saying it, sir,

but I've seen
combat fatigue before.

Combat fatigue? Uh-huh.

You owe it to yourself
to relax, you know that?

Relax? Relax? Mm-hmm.

I'm on the go 24 hours a day
running a model prisoner camp.

How can I relax?!

Forgive me for saying it, sir,

but it's beginning to tell.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
As the old saying goes...

when a bough doesn't
bend... it breaks.

What do you suggest?

Perhaps... perhaps now...

If you could get away and relax,

like, uh...

an officer's club like
they have at Stalag 5.

Carter told me
all about it, sir.

They have an officer's
club at Stalag 5?

Uh-huh.

An officer's club at St...

Well, maybe you're right.

Yes. A sturdy oak like me
should bend once in a while.

You owe it to
the war effort, sir.

Yes. My own officer's
club. I can see it now.

It must be something original.

Wine cellar... beer
mugs, cuckoo clocks.

Brilliant!

But you've got to have
something more unique.

Something that no one
else in the German army has.

Yes, yes, yes.

It must be something
worthy of me.

Right.

Men under your command,
I know would be honored

to build it for you.

Of course.

Of course, we have the man
when it comes to design, decor.

LeBeau.

You know how the French
are with their style, flair...

Mostly decadent of course.

Of course, we know
very well how to use

such corrupt means
for our own good.

To do the job right, LeBeau
has got to be put in command.

A Frenchman giving
orders to Germans?

Oh, that's unthinkable.

That's the joke.

Joke?

Don't you see it?

You see, LeBeau
thinks he's in charge,

but he's really taking
the orders from you.

All right, mein Herren,
get the lead out!

Come on, come
on. Faster, faster.

Bring it up.

Come on, hammer
a little faster, huh?

Lankershieb, put
some muscle into it!

You're not slicing liverwurst.

Kristman, you're
going the wrong way!

Starboard. Starboard. Not port!

What's going on
here? Starboard, port?

I thought we were
building an officer's club?

Mr. Kristman, be quiet!

Or I'll see you hang
from the highest yardarm.

Starboard!

LeBeau, this thing
is really shaping up.

You know, your row boating

on the river Seine
is finally paying off.

Yes, Colonel.

Come on, you guys! Stop
falling over your own feet!

The master race...
Tomorrow the world. Ha!

Hi, Schultz.

May I ask you something?

Why are we building a
boat? What are you up to?

You really want
to know, Schultz?

Well...

Please, don't tell me. How
about Captain Michaels?

How are you going to
get him out of the camp?

Please, don't tell
me. Why am I asking?

Oh, Schultz... where
is your sense of loyalty?

Helping the enemy!

Schultz! Schultz! What
is happening to you?

Aw, come on, Schultz.

If you're going to
psychoanalyze yourself

go find a couch.

We're busy here.

How about the Kommandant?

He gave me his
word he wouldn't peek.

He wants it to be a surprise.

Oh, boy, is he
going to be surprised.

Colonel Hogan!

Oh, Klink, you
gave me your word!

I don't know what
you two are up to,

but I intend to find out.

I'm surprised, sir,
you don't get the point.

What point?

I ordered an officer's club

and a ship comes out...

in the middle of a prison camp
60 miles from the North Sea.

That's just the point. We
wanted to show the real you.

On the one hand, your
good breeding, exclusiveness.

What could be more
exclusive than a yacht club?

I do admit a yacht club
would be worthy of me.

Maybe someday, Colonel
Klink, you can sail to Tahiti.

When it will be German
owned, of course.

In the meantime, you have
your own private yacht club.

Yep, I can see you
there entertaining...

the skipper.

Captain's cap, blazer...

Helga, your hostess.

Soft nights, tropical breezes.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

But in the meantime,
you have your own

little bit of Tahiti right here.

Tahiti when there's snow?

You could always wear gloves.

Yes. Yes.

Colonel,

I just got a radio message
from headquarters.

They say the weather
reports look bad for next week.

The boat will have to
leave tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night?
How can it be done?

We could always
set fire to Klink's office

and try to get him out
the north gate. Hey, hey...

Gentlemen, I have just

had a great inspiration.

I am going to give a party
on my own yacht club.

A party, Colonel? When?

Why wait? Tomorrow night.

Colonel Hogan, since you
were the first to give me the idea,

I wanted you to
be the first to know.

Got anymore good ideas?

And, uh... what do you
think of it, Fraulein Helga?

I am speechless,
Herr Kommandant.

I can understand that.

I am a man of many sides.

You didn't know that,
behind that stern soldier,

there is a... a world traveler,

a dreamer...

a lover!

You are a dreamer.

That's my secret.

And now it is yours, too.

Oh, Fraulein Helga,
you are my Lorelei.

Soft nights, tropical breezes...

♪ Ich weiss nicht was
soll es bedeuten... ♪

Oh, I'm sorry.

What do you want, Colonel Hogan?

It can wait. It's not important.

It's about the party tonight.

Oh, come in, come in.

You know, we Germans
never do anything halfway.

This party tonight
is as important to me

as going into battle.

Uh... sit down.

You know, you really
don't understand us.

That's why you're
losing the war.

I'm sorry, sir.

It's the easy living that's
ruined us Americans.

Uh... we need your approval.

Approval for what?

Approval to load the boat

with the caviar
and the champagne

and the hors d'oeuvres.

Permission granted.

Remember, as prisoners of war,

you're not required to do this

according to the
Geneva Convention.

That's all right, sir.

We're... we're... we're
happy to do our bit.

And, besides, LeBeau's
experienced at this.

Comes from a long
line of headwaiters.

You know, Hogan,

it's times like these
when it's hard for me

to think of you as the enemy.

If it weren't for my strict
rules on fraternization,

I, uh... would invite
you to the party tonight.

Well, thank you,
sir. I understand.

And, besides, what would
the other guests think?

Like Burkhalter.

Burkhalter?

Yeah. Your commandant in Berlin.

Who invited him?

You didn't invite
General Burkhalter?

Oh, I'm... I'm...
I'm sorry, sir.

Just a moment. Just a moment.

Is there something wrong?

Well, I mean, in our army...

I mean, it would be an affront.

You know, military
courtesy, esprit de corps.

Guess that's not important

when you're winning the war.

Oh, it is important!

It is important!

Fraulein Helga?

Get him Berlin.

One case of, uh... champagne.

Check.

Champagne?

It's a going-away
present for Michaels.

Keep him warm during the trip.

How big a party
is this going to be?

One gunsight.

One gunsight. Check.

Handle that extra-carefully,
will you, Schultz?

Oh, tell me, why
am I doing this?

Thank you, gentlemen.

One case of horse doveres.

No, no, no. Hors
d'oeuvres, Schultz.

Hors d'oeuvres.

Hors d'oeuvres,
hors d'oeuvres...

Schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell!

Caviar.

Check.

How goes the battle, men?

You better get going.
You know what to say.

Yes, sir. What's that
guy's name again?

Burkhalter. Burk-halter.

Burkhalter.

Burkherlter. Burkhalter.

Yes, sir. General Burkhalter.

Well, anyway, one afternoon
he came to inspect Stalag 5.

Well, when he took one look

at the fancy
officers' club there,

he really blew his stack
at the commandant...

Vogel... and he... he
said things like, uh...

"How can you do this
when our boys are having

such a rough time
on the Russian front?"

Not to mention
the Italian front.

And my club is fancier
than Vogel's, huh?

Yes, sir. It sure is.

Anyway...

General Buck...
Burkhalter told Vogel

if he didn't get
rid of his club,

he'd see him off on the
train to Stalingrad personally.

Carter, why didn't you
tell Hogan about this?!

He didn't ask me.

Get out of my way!

Get out of my way!

You two, get out of my way!

Right on the nose.

Oh, Colonel Klink.
Just admiring your club.

Oh, when you
Germans build things,

you really know
how to build 'em.

Hogan... Such
attention to detail,

perfect
construction... yes, sir!

I want this... this...

this ship thing
destroyed at once!

Destroyed?

What about the party?

What... what about
General Burkhalter?

Ask that fool Carter.

Now, I want this ship
demolished immediately

before General
Burkhalter gets here!

That's not going to be easy.

I mean, listen
to this. Like rock.

I mean, this thing was
built to last a hundred years.

We don't have that much time.

We could burn it.

Fire makes flames, no?

If General Burkhalter
sees the fire,

he'll ask questions, no?

Flames make ashes, no?

Yes, sir. Flames make ashes.

Marvelous. What clear thinking.

Well, I'm sure you'll come up
with some way to get rid of it.

I have. Since my men built it,

it is up to you and your men

to get rid of it at once.

Now, that is an order.

Get rid of it at once!

Yes, sir.

Get rid of it at once!

Get rid of it at once!

This trailer hitch
should do the job.

All right, we're almost home.

Sorry to jolt your
reveries, Colonel Hogan.

How do you hope to
get Michaels aboard?

And, just out of idle curiosity,

how do we hope to
get this vessel to port?

Newkirk, have I ever told you

you make great officer material?

Never mind the
insults, Colonel Hogan.

Just answer the
question, please.

Is this thing still here?!

General Burkhalter's
only an hour away.

And what is this iron
thing supposed...?

Oh!

It's part of our plan.

Make it easier to move.

We're going to
hide it in the woods.

That is your plan, huh?

For someone to find it?

Why didn't we think of that?

I have a solution.

It is so obvious,

I'm surprised you
didn't think of it.

Now, listen, you have
a club that's a boat,

and it is on a trailer.

Right. Right. Right.

Now, I ask you,

what is the most
logical thing to do?

Move the whole
thing to the water!

The German army could
use more men like you, sir.

Thank you. Now, the
boat could be moored

until final victory is achieved.

Hogan, are you sure
this boat is seaworthy?

It had better be.

Good. One more thing, Hogan.

It must be out of here before
General Burkhalter gets here.

Remember, this
means a lot to me.

It means a lot to us, too.

Sergeant, halt!

Just in case, Hogan,

I'm assigning this squad

to see that you
get the job done.

Sergeant, this thing... out!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!

I give you five minutes! Raus!

Uh... Sergeant,
would you be so kind

as to get that life
raft put aboard, huh?

And keep it end up. He's
very... it's very valuable.

Schnell!

Schnell!

Um... maybe the entire squad.

It's kind of heavy.

Schnell! Schnell!

All right, easy
does it! Easy does it!

That's it. That's it.

Would you fellas
like to say good-bye

to Captain Michaels?

How did you get
him inside there?

It wasn't easy, but
there's a war on.

All right, easy
does it. Easy does it.

Let's get this thing hitched up,

and get this boat on the road.

Right. Right.

General Burkhalter will
be here in a few minutes.

I just received word. I...

What is this!?

Getting rid of it,
sir, as ordered.

You? What do you take
me for, Hogan, a fool?

Let you drive away
and not come back?

Perhaps sail away.

I am ashamed of you, Hogan.

Ruin my perfect record of no one
escaping from Stalag 13? Never!

Colonel Klink, what
are you saying?

Sergeant Kristman,
take this, this...

to the water.

Good-bye!

Newkirk, get back!

Bon voyage!

Thank you, Kommandant.

Thank you for making me
come all the way from Berlin

for a dinner of
stale sauerbraten.

As you can see, Herr General,
we have the same shortages here

as all the officers lucky
enough to be at the front.

Another such dinner, Klink,

and I'll see what I can
do to make you so lucky.

Colonel Hogan,
what are you doing

driving a German truck?

Not a German truck, sir.

The German truck.

And I'm giving it to you.

You are giving me
a German truck?

What is the meaning of this?

The truck that Michaels stole.

And what are you doing with it?

I'm returning it to you.

My men stumbled on it
while on garbage detail.

And I was thinking of
showing it to Burkhalter

as he went out, but I figured

you'd rather call
him direct to Berlin

and invite him down...

Make a big deal out of it, huh?

Not so fast. Wait a minute.

Invite him from
Berlin? What for?

These headquarters
fellows, they are soft.

They don't know how to
take combat conditions.

I have a better idea. Schultz!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!

Order the dogs to
the special detail.

My military intuition
and this truck tell me

that our friend Captain Michaels

is floating around
out there somewhere

waiting for me to capture him.

Right, Hogan?

Wouldn't surprise me a bit, sir.