Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 17 - Happy Birthday, Adolf - full transcript
Hogan and his men must destroy a German anti-aircraft artillery unit so that the Allies can send in a bombing raid on Hitler's birthday.
CBS presents this
program in color.
Halt!
Easy, Schultz, it's
only me, Carter.
Oh. You scared me.
Light.
Hold this.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. My rifle.
Sorry, Schultz.
I don't keep it loaded.
Thanks for the light, Schultz.
Hello, Mama Bear.
Hello, Mama Bear.
This is Goldilocks.
Mama Bear to Goldilocks,
stand by for transmission.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses
and all the King's men
could not put Humpty
Dumpty back together again,
even though they tried
for two days. Over and out.
What's it mean?
Yeah, what is it?
He'll finish. Hold it, hold it one
minute, one minute, one minute.
What?
All right. "Probing raid,
repeat probing raid.
"Not an invasion.
"Sector Q-19, 48 hours.
"Birthday present for Adolf.
"Need latest information
troop movements your area.
"Last transmission
1500 hours tomorrow.
"Following that, radio silence.
Cease all escape
activity. Surprise essential."
What a birthday present, huh?
We're really going
to give it to 'em, huh?
See how the Krauts like it.
Hold it, hold it!
This is a reconnaissance job.
I need a volunteer
who's got plenty of guts
and can move fast.
Oh, you can depend
on us, Colonel.
Oh, yeah, we'll figure
somebody to send.
Sure, one of us
will be glad to go.
Come on. I said volunteer.
I can't order you to go
on a mission like this.
Now, who's going to step
forward and take this job?
Thank you, LeBeau.
I didn't move a muscle.
You've got that volunteer look.
That's how I got married.
"Volunteer" the same way.
Goldilocks calling Mama Bear.
Goldilocks calling Mama Bear.
Come in, Mama Bear, come in.
It's no use, Colonel.
They've shut down.
They warned us: radio
silence till after the raid.
Missed them by
less than two hours.
Gee, I couldn't help
from being late, Colonel.
A patrol stopped me.
The area was
crawling with Krauts.
I had to make a big
detour to get back.
You could have
moved a little faster.
Oh, yeah? I'm dressed
like an old woman.
And why would a little old woman
be running through the woods?
You tell me that.
You could always say
you were being chased
by a little old man.
All right. All right, all right.
Knock it off.
We got a problem.
Headquarters doesn't know
they've moved in
a gun emplacement
and we don't have
any communications.
The map.
Shmeckhausen is the
reference point, Colonel.
All right, Schmeckburg,
Schmeckhof, Shmeckstadt.
Here it is, Shmeckhausen.
That battery commands a
whole section of the beach.
Exactly. They'll smash the raid
before it gets started.
Sitting ducks.
How many guns?
I counted twelve; all 88s.
Oh, murder.
If only we could knock 'em out.
Hey, maybe hand grenades
would do a little damage.
It's 15 miles
from here at least.
I'll warm up my pitching arm.
Well, let's face it.
Adolf's going to have a
nice present for his birthday:
Allied landing knocked
out before it starts.
If only we could...
LeBeau.
Did I volunteer for
something again?
You're beautiful!
I am?
You said the magic
word, "Adolf's birthday."
What are the forgery
boys working on?
Fake raffle tickets.
We've been selling
them to the Krauts.
Raffle tickets?
Yeah. It's an all-expense-
paid trip to New Orleans
for the Mardi Gras.
It's for after the war.
All right, look, tell them
I need a set of orders
for the commander
of that gun battery.
You got it.
Newkirk, I need a motorcycle
and a sidecar from the car pool.
You got it.
I need some German uniforms.
Uh, make 'em infantry,
enlisted men for a change.
You got it.
All right, let me see:
we got uniforms,
orders, transportation.
Did I forget anything?
Yeah, how about
assigning a couple of guys
to help me off with my girdle?
You got 'em.
"In keeping with orders from
the Commanding General,
"Fourth Army Group,
"military units will show
respect and affection
"for our beloved Fuhrer
with proper celebration
"to be enjoyed by all ranks.
"Details for your
relief for this purpose
"are to be worked
out with the bearer,
"Captain Hoganburg.
Signed, Colonel commanding..."
I can hardly make
out this signature.
The Colonel's a very busy man,
administrative details and...
Hoopleman!
Who gave you
permission to be at ease?
Stand at attention! Achtung!
Jawohl, Herr Kapitan!
You have to keep
after them every minute.
As you were saying, Major.
According to these orders,
you are to relieve me for the
Fuhrer's birthday celebration.
Yes, sir. I have a
small detachment
on temporary patrol
in Shmeckhausen.
At your service, sir.
Ah! Does Headquarters
expect a squad of infantry
to relieve experienced
artillery men?
Major, may I suggest you confirm
the orders with headquarters?
Ja, an excellent idea.
I will do just that.
Hello, this is
Wilhelmstrasse Zwei
calling Bismarck Vierzehn.
Hello, this is
Bismarck Vierzehn.
This is Major Keitel.
I wish to speak with
Colonel Stimmer.
Jawohl, Herr Major.
Colonel, it's Major Keitel
of Wilhelmstrasse Zwei.
Colonel Stimmer speaking.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler. Heil Hitler.
Hoopleman!
Colonel, I have your orders,
and I wish to confirm
the Fuhrer's birthday.
Ah, you wish to confirm
our beloved leader's birthday.
That is very kind of you, Major.
I only hope for your sake
the Gestapo is not listening.
Sir, you misunderstood...
You will carry out
your orders to the letter.
That is an order. Understood?
And Major,
it has been reported to me
that the buildings on
your post need attention.
Well, sir, we could use
a little fixing up and...
See that it is done before the
beloved Fuhrer's birthday party.
There may be press
here from Berlin.
And Major...
that is an order, understood?
Understood, sir!
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler! Hoopleman!
Let me talk to
Captain Hoganburg.
Yes, sir. Heil Hitler.
The Colonel wants you, Captain.
Hello?
Captain Hoganburg speaking.
Oh, yes, sir. Fine,
thank you, sir.
A case of Rhine wine
and a case of schnapps.
Quarts, not the fifths.
I understand, sir.
To your headquarters.
Consider it done, sir.
Heil Hitler.
May I tell you something
in confidence, sir?
Of course.
There is a drinking problem.
Pressure of the war.
Really?
That would account
for the strange way he sounded.
Has Berlin been told?
Bah! You know their answer.
"What kind of
schnapps does he like?
We'll send him a case."
Extraordinary.
Yes. And a tough
man. They know it.
Ja, so do I.
He's ordered me
to clean up my post
in time for the Fuhrer's
birthday celebration.
Impossible!
I have no men to spare
for this kind of work.
Major, you have
heard of Luft Stalag 13?
A prisoner of war camp a
few miles from here, isn't it?
Crowded with able-bodied
prisoners of war.
Might I suggest
that you borrow a
few to do the work?
Excellent suggestion, Captain.
Enemies of the Third
Reich help with preparations
for the Fuhrer's birthday.
Nice touch, eh?
Be good to put the
schwein to work.
Tell me, Captain, do you happen
to know the Commandant's name
at Stalag 13?
I'll call him.
Klink, Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
Full Colonel?
Yes, but a typical desk officer.
He's never been in combat.
I think he would faint at
the sight of a rare steak.
Hoopleman!
Who gave you
permission to laugh?
Wipe that smile off your face!
Achtung!
If you have no further
need for me, sir...
Captain Hoganburg,
a great pleasure.
You have been very helpful.
Danke, sir. I've tried.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Hoopleman! Right face!
Achtung! Forward march!
My wife's brother.
Mmm...
This is the only way to
fight the war. You know that.
Yeah, but I wish that we
would be on the same side.
I'll come over.
I only see you a few
minutes at a time.
Helga, how would you like to
go to a party tomorrow night?
Wunderbar!
Oh, I love parties.
But what is the occasion?
Hitler's birthday.
Oh.
Well, maybe we'll have
a good time anyway.
I was thinking...
Perhaps if you invited
some of your girlfriends...
Blondes, brunettes, redheads,
a nice assortment, you know...
I'd arrange to have
you all picked up
and taken over to Shmeckhausen.
Shmeckhausen?
But there's nothing
in Shmeckhausen.
We're arranging
something right now.
And how will you
get out of camp?
Don't go away.
Major Keitel, it is impossible.
I cannot let any of my prisoners
out of camp for such a purpose.
It's being arranged right now.
No one has ever
escaped Stalag 13
because I just simply
do not take such risks.
No, I don't care
what the occasion is...
Whose birthday?
Well, why didn't you say so?
Of course I can
arrange it, Major Keitel.
Good-bye... What?
Oh, yes. Heil Hitler.
Every time I turn around, you
are having another birthday.
Call Colonel Hogan! You called?
Hogan!
Hogan, come in.
Colonel Hogan, you
wanted to see me?
Yes, sir. I'd like
to make a request.
Request denied.
What is it?
I like a man with an open mind.
Sir, tomorrow's
Hitler's birthday.
Yes.
And I wondered if
you'd care to celebrate
by giving us two extra hours
of electric light in the barracks.
Mm-hmm.
So you can have more time
for digging your escape tunnel?
We've already
finished the tunnel.
We're working on
an elevator now.
You're being impertinent.
Yes, sir. I do the best I can.
Colonel Hogan.
From time to time,
prisoners of war
are asked to work,
for which they are paid.
Well, according to the Geneva
Prisoner-of-War
Convention, we can refuse.
Now, I need one hour's work
at a military installation
outside of camp.
Request denied.
It's not heavy labor.
Is there any other kind?
Very well.
Assign a work party
and I'll give you...
40 minutes of additional
electric light in the barracks.
An hour and a half.
50 minutes?
An hour and a quarter.
One hour, not a second more.
Throw in two extra ball games
and you got yourself a deal.
One extra ball game.
Forget it. I'll take my
business elsewhere.
All right, all right, all right.
One hour of extra electric light
and two extra ball games.
You got yourself a deal.
I'll assign a work party.
Just one moment, Colonel Hogan.
You know that eventually
I'm going to find that
escape tunnel of yours.
Oh, I hope so, because it leads
direct to the Russian front
and we need somebody
to lead the way.
Dismissed.
Don't forget the
girls for the party.
I won't.
Sounds like a direct hit.
Where do I put it?
Over there.
Hey, Carter.
It's time to move.
Pass the word.
Gotcha. I'm on my way.
Uh, Schultz!
Hey, Schultz!
We, we've finished.
Nice. Very nice.
Very, very nice.
Now, let us go home!
Huh! "Home," he says.
Out, out, out, out!
Everybody, raus!
Raus, schnell, schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell, schnell.
Everybody raus!
Roll call!
Everybody out!
Raus! Raus!
Schnell, schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell, everybody in.
Halt, halt, halt, halt, halt!
Eine moment. One moment. Halt!
Eins!
Zwei!
Drei!
Vier! Funf!
Sechs! Sieben!
Acht!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Haven't I seen you before?
I don't know.
Ever been to Milwaukee?
Right here.
Hey, pal, have you
ever seen me before?
Never.
There, you see? And
he's been to Milwaukee.
Sure, and I've also
been to Dusseldorf and...
Say, didn't I meet
you in Dusseldorf?
Dusseldorf?
Bah! Go in!
Zwanzig.
Danke.
Einundzwanzig, zweiundzwanzig
drieundzwanzig, vierundzwanzig
funfundzwanzig,
sechsundzwanzig...
We're almost ready, Colonel.
All right, all right.
Make it quick.
The girls are on the way.
We're right on schedule.
Hey, look at me.
I'm a Kraut corporal.
I wish you were.
The war might be over by now.
Get ready to move
out, and no talking.
Okay if we whistle at the dames?
Only in German.
Major, you don't
seem to understand.
My orders are to relieve you.
Ja, I know. You may
post your men at the guns,
but I will remain in
command personally.
But don't you want to enjoy
the Fuhrer's
birthday party, sir?
Captain, I have thought it over,
and I feel it is my duty
as an officer to remain
in active command
of the guns at all times,
regardless of the circumstances.
I understand, sir.
Excuse me.
Hoopleman!
How many times must I tell you
to stand at attention?
Achtung!
Forgive me, Major.
Ever since I made him corporal,
I can't do a thing with him.
Now, you were saying?
I was saying, post your men,
but I will remain in command.
Sir, your orders are
to have a good time!
Ja, ja, ja. I know, I know,
but I am sure that if he
were here, the Fuhrer himself...
would approve of my actions
as being absolutely correct
and in line with...
with...
Call me if you need me, Captain.
All right, let's
wrap it up fast here.
LeBeau, you stand guard here.
Nobody in or out.
Carter, back up the truck
and keep the motor running.
The rest of you
guys come with me.
Hey, Colonel, what do we do
if the girls come back?
Leave 'em alone,
and that's an order.
Oh, it sure is.
I can't get a break
in either army.
Colonel, this is
the wine for Klink.
It's not our best stuff, is it?
For him? Are you kidding?
It's practically vinegar.
Looks real.
Believe me, you'd be better off
drinking the label.
Wait a minute.
I have to drink with him.
Well, Colonel, this is war.
You can't expect
to live forever.
Thanks a lot. Pour.
Very kind of you to help us
celebrate, Colonel Hogan.
Why not? We don't
want to be enemies
just because we're enemies.
Good health and a short war.
Schultz, this is a good wine.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
It's a gay, saucy little wine
we call "Hussy
of the Vineyards."
So?
Hogan, tell me...
how do prisoners-of-war
get wine?
Come on, Colonel.
Does Macy tell Gimbel?
Macy? Gimbel?
Schultz, do you know these men?
No, Herr Kommandant!
I want you to
check the roll call
very carefully tomorrow.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Sorry I mentioned it.
So.
The traveling salesman
says to the farmer,
"My car broke down, and
I'll have to stay for the night."
The farmer says, "I have
to tell you something.
I don't have a daughter."
Let's go back to
Macy and Gimbel.
The invasion alarm.
Achtung!
To the guns! Schnell! Schnell!
Schnell! Schnell!
Range, 1,500 yards.
Range, 1,500 yards.
Ready?
Ready.
Fire!
Fire!
"Happy birthday, Adolf"?
Schweinhund! Schweinhund!
I know where every
prisoner is at all times!
I am sorry to disagree
with you, Colonel,
but I happen to know
that every one of my men
is thoroughly reliable.
The fact remains, Major...
That's what I like to hear.
They're fighting
amongst themselves now.
And got away because you
were unable to stop them.
And I say, it is because your
prisoners sabotaged my guns.
Hah! That's ridiculous.
All of my prisoners were
accounted for at roll call.
You asked for a working
party. I gave you one.
Did they do a good job?
Yes. Good.
But that is not the point.
Good! That ends the matter
as far as I'm concerned.
Dismissed.
Yes, sir. But I assure you,
Berlin will favor my
version of this affair.
The nerve of that man,
trying to shift the blame
for his own inefficiency.
The Third Reich has no
place for a man like that.
Sounds like a drinking problem.
Undoubtedly.
By the way, Colonel,
I understand that
your working party
did an excellent job in
cleaning up the gun battery.
Thank you.
During my inspection
this morning, I noticed
that our own buildings
could use some
extra repair work.
Request denied.
I offer one extra
hour of electric light,
and one more slice of
bread per man a week.
Two extra hours of light,
and two slices of bread.
One and a half
extra hours of light,
and one and a quarter
slices of bread...
program in color.
Halt!
Easy, Schultz, it's
only me, Carter.
Oh. You scared me.
Light.
Hold this.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. My rifle.
Sorry, Schultz.
I don't keep it loaded.
Thanks for the light, Schultz.
Hello, Mama Bear.
Hello, Mama Bear.
This is Goldilocks.
Mama Bear to Goldilocks,
stand by for transmission.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses
and all the King's men
could not put Humpty
Dumpty back together again,
even though they tried
for two days. Over and out.
What's it mean?
Yeah, what is it?
He'll finish. Hold it, hold it one
minute, one minute, one minute.
What?
All right. "Probing raid,
repeat probing raid.
"Not an invasion.
"Sector Q-19, 48 hours.
"Birthday present for Adolf.
"Need latest information
troop movements your area.
"Last transmission
1500 hours tomorrow.
"Following that, radio silence.
Cease all escape
activity. Surprise essential."
What a birthday present, huh?
We're really going
to give it to 'em, huh?
See how the Krauts like it.
Hold it, hold it!
This is a reconnaissance job.
I need a volunteer
who's got plenty of guts
and can move fast.
Oh, you can depend
on us, Colonel.
Oh, yeah, we'll figure
somebody to send.
Sure, one of us
will be glad to go.
Come on. I said volunteer.
I can't order you to go
on a mission like this.
Now, who's going to step
forward and take this job?
Thank you, LeBeau.
I didn't move a muscle.
You've got that volunteer look.
That's how I got married.
"Volunteer" the same way.
Goldilocks calling Mama Bear.
Goldilocks calling Mama Bear.
Come in, Mama Bear, come in.
It's no use, Colonel.
They've shut down.
They warned us: radio
silence till after the raid.
Missed them by
less than two hours.
Gee, I couldn't help
from being late, Colonel.
A patrol stopped me.
The area was
crawling with Krauts.
I had to make a big
detour to get back.
You could have
moved a little faster.
Oh, yeah? I'm dressed
like an old woman.
And why would a little old woman
be running through the woods?
You tell me that.
You could always say
you were being chased
by a little old man.
All right. All right, all right.
Knock it off.
We got a problem.
Headquarters doesn't know
they've moved in
a gun emplacement
and we don't have
any communications.
The map.
Shmeckhausen is the
reference point, Colonel.
All right, Schmeckburg,
Schmeckhof, Shmeckstadt.
Here it is, Shmeckhausen.
That battery commands a
whole section of the beach.
Exactly. They'll smash the raid
before it gets started.
Sitting ducks.
How many guns?
I counted twelve; all 88s.
Oh, murder.
If only we could knock 'em out.
Hey, maybe hand grenades
would do a little damage.
It's 15 miles
from here at least.
I'll warm up my pitching arm.
Well, let's face it.
Adolf's going to have a
nice present for his birthday:
Allied landing knocked
out before it starts.
If only we could...
LeBeau.
Did I volunteer for
something again?
You're beautiful!
I am?
You said the magic
word, "Adolf's birthday."
What are the forgery
boys working on?
Fake raffle tickets.
We've been selling
them to the Krauts.
Raffle tickets?
Yeah. It's an all-expense-
paid trip to New Orleans
for the Mardi Gras.
It's for after the war.
All right, look, tell them
I need a set of orders
for the commander
of that gun battery.
You got it.
Newkirk, I need a motorcycle
and a sidecar from the car pool.
You got it.
I need some German uniforms.
Uh, make 'em infantry,
enlisted men for a change.
You got it.
All right, let me see:
we got uniforms,
orders, transportation.
Did I forget anything?
Yeah, how about
assigning a couple of guys
to help me off with my girdle?
You got 'em.
"In keeping with orders from
the Commanding General,
"Fourth Army Group,
"military units will show
respect and affection
"for our beloved Fuhrer
with proper celebration
"to be enjoyed by all ranks.
"Details for your
relief for this purpose
"are to be worked
out with the bearer,
"Captain Hoganburg.
Signed, Colonel commanding..."
I can hardly make
out this signature.
The Colonel's a very busy man,
administrative details and...
Hoopleman!
Who gave you
permission to be at ease?
Stand at attention! Achtung!
Jawohl, Herr Kapitan!
You have to keep
after them every minute.
As you were saying, Major.
According to these orders,
you are to relieve me for the
Fuhrer's birthday celebration.
Yes, sir. I have a
small detachment
on temporary patrol
in Shmeckhausen.
At your service, sir.
Ah! Does Headquarters
expect a squad of infantry
to relieve experienced
artillery men?
Major, may I suggest you confirm
the orders with headquarters?
Ja, an excellent idea.
I will do just that.
Hello, this is
Wilhelmstrasse Zwei
calling Bismarck Vierzehn.
Hello, this is
Bismarck Vierzehn.
This is Major Keitel.
I wish to speak with
Colonel Stimmer.
Jawohl, Herr Major.
Colonel, it's Major Keitel
of Wilhelmstrasse Zwei.
Colonel Stimmer speaking.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler. Heil Hitler.
Hoopleman!
Colonel, I have your orders,
and I wish to confirm
the Fuhrer's birthday.
Ah, you wish to confirm
our beloved leader's birthday.
That is very kind of you, Major.
I only hope for your sake
the Gestapo is not listening.
Sir, you misunderstood...
You will carry out
your orders to the letter.
That is an order. Understood?
And Major,
it has been reported to me
that the buildings on
your post need attention.
Well, sir, we could use
a little fixing up and...
See that it is done before the
beloved Fuhrer's birthday party.
There may be press
here from Berlin.
And Major...
that is an order, understood?
Understood, sir!
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler! Hoopleman!
Let me talk to
Captain Hoganburg.
Yes, sir. Heil Hitler.
The Colonel wants you, Captain.
Hello?
Captain Hoganburg speaking.
Oh, yes, sir. Fine,
thank you, sir.
A case of Rhine wine
and a case of schnapps.
Quarts, not the fifths.
I understand, sir.
To your headquarters.
Consider it done, sir.
Heil Hitler.
May I tell you something
in confidence, sir?
Of course.
There is a drinking problem.
Pressure of the war.
Really?
That would account
for the strange way he sounded.
Has Berlin been told?
Bah! You know their answer.
"What kind of
schnapps does he like?
We'll send him a case."
Extraordinary.
Yes. And a tough
man. They know it.
Ja, so do I.
He's ordered me
to clean up my post
in time for the Fuhrer's
birthday celebration.
Impossible!
I have no men to spare
for this kind of work.
Major, you have
heard of Luft Stalag 13?
A prisoner of war camp a
few miles from here, isn't it?
Crowded with able-bodied
prisoners of war.
Might I suggest
that you borrow a
few to do the work?
Excellent suggestion, Captain.
Enemies of the Third
Reich help with preparations
for the Fuhrer's birthday.
Nice touch, eh?
Be good to put the
schwein to work.
Tell me, Captain, do you happen
to know the Commandant's name
at Stalag 13?
I'll call him.
Klink, Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
Full Colonel?
Yes, but a typical desk officer.
He's never been in combat.
I think he would faint at
the sight of a rare steak.
Hoopleman!
Who gave you
permission to laugh?
Wipe that smile off your face!
Achtung!
If you have no further
need for me, sir...
Captain Hoganburg,
a great pleasure.
You have been very helpful.
Danke, sir. I've tried.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Hoopleman! Right face!
Achtung! Forward march!
My wife's brother.
Mmm...
This is the only way to
fight the war. You know that.
Yeah, but I wish that we
would be on the same side.
I'll come over.
I only see you a few
minutes at a time.
Helga, how would you like to
go to a party tomorrow night?
Wunderbar!
Oh, I love parties.
But what is the occasion?
Hitler's birthday.
Oh.
Well, maybe we'll have
a good time anyway.
I was thinking...
Perhaps if you invited
some of your girlfriends...
Blondes, brunettes, redheads,
a nice assortment, you know...
I'd arrange to have
you all picked up
and taken over to Shmeckhausen.
Shmeckhausen?
But there's nothing
in Shmeckhausen.
We're arranging
something right now.
And how will you
get out of camp?
Don't go away.
Major Keitel, it is impossible.
I cannot let any of my prisoners
out of camp for such a purpose.
It's being arranged right now.
No one has ever
escaped Stalag 13
because I just simply
do not take such risks.
No, I don't care
what the occasion is...
Whose birthday?
Well, why didn't you say so?
Of course I can
arrange it, Major Keitel.
Good-bye... What?
Oh, yes. Heil Hitler.
Every time I turn around, you
are having another birthday.
Call Colonel Hogan! You called?
Hogan!
Hogan, come in.
Colonel Hogan, you
wanted to see me?
Yes, sir. I'd like
to make a request.
Request denied.
What is it?
I like a man with an open mind.
Sir, tomorrow's
Hitler's birthday.
Yes.
And I wondered if
you'd care to celebrate
by giving us two extra hours
of electric light in the barracks.
Mm-hmm.
So you can have more time
for digging your escape tunnel?
We've already
finished the tunnel.
We're working on
an elevator now.
You're being impertinent.
Yes, sir. I do the best I can.
Colonel Hogan.
From time to time,
prisoners of war
are asked to work,
for which they are paid.
Well, according to the Geneva
Prisoner-of-War
Convention, we can refuse.
Now, I need one hour's work
at a military installation
outside of camp.
Request denied.
It's not heavy labor.
Is there any other kind?
Very well.
Assign a work party
and I'll give you...
40 minutes of additional
electric light in the barracks.
An hour and a half.
50 minutes?
An hour and a quarter.
One hour, not a second more.
Throw in two extra ball games
and you got yourself a deal.
One extra ball game.
Forget it. I'll take my
business elsewhere.
All right, all right, all right.
One hour of extra electric light
and two extra ball games.
You got yourself a deal.
I'll assign a work party.
Just one moment, Colonel Hogan.
You know that eventually
I'm going to find that
escape tunnel of yours.
Oh, I hope so, because it leads
direct to the Russian front
and we need somebody
to lead the way.
Dismissed.
Don't forget the
girls for the party.
I won't.
Sounds like a direct hit.
Where do I put it?
Over there.
Hey, Carter.
It's time to move.
Pass the word.
Gotcha. I'm on my way.
Uh, Schultz!
Hey, Schultz!
We, we've finished.
Nice. Very nice.
Very, very nice.
Now, let us go home!
Huh! "Home," he says.
Out, out, out, out!
Everybody, raus!
Raus, schnell, schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell, schnell.
Everybody raus!
Roll call!
Everybody out!
Raus! Raus!
Schnell, schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell, everybody in.
Halt, halt, halt, halt, halt!
Eine moment. One moment. Halt!
Eins!
Zwei!
Drei!
Vier! Funf!
Sechs! Sieben!
Acht!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Haven't I seen you before?
I don't know.
Ever been to Milwaukee?
Right here.
Hey, pal, have you
ever seen me before?
Never.
There, you see? And
he's been to Milwaukee.
Sure, and I've also
been to Dusseldorf and...
Say, didn't I meet
you in Dusseldorf?
Dusseldorf?
Bah! Go in!
Zwanzig.
Danke.
Einundzwanzig, zweiundzwanzig
drieundzwanzig, vierundzwanzig
funfundzwanzig,
sechsundzwanzig...
We're almost ready, Colonel.
All right, all right.
Make it quick.
The girls are on the way.
We're right on schedule.
Hey, look at me.
I'm a Kraut corporal.
I wish you were.
The war might be over by now.
Get ready to move
out, and no talking.
Okay if we whistle at the dames?
Only in German.
Major, you don't
seem to understand.
My orders are to relieve you.
Ja, I know. You may
post your men at the guns,
but I will remain in
command personally.
But don't you want to enjoy
the Fuhrer's
birthday party, sir?
Captain, I have thought it over,
and I feel it is my duty
as an officer to remain
in active command
of the guns at all times,
regardless of the circumstances.
I understand, sir.
Excuse me.
Hoopleman!
How many times must I tell you
to stand at attention?
Achtung!
Forgive me, Major.
Ever since I made him corporal,
I can't do a thing with him.
Now, you were saying?
I was saying, post your men,
but I will remain in command.
Sir, your orders are
to have a good time!
Ja, ja, ja. I know, I know,
but I am sure that if he
were here, the Fuhrer himself...
would approve of my actions
as being absolutely correct
and in line with...
with...
Call me if you need me, Captain.
All right, let's
wrap it up fast here.
LeBeau, you stand guard here.
Nobody in or out.
Carter, back up the truck
and keep the motor running.
The rest of you
guys come with me.
Hey, Colonel, what do we do
if the girls come back?
Leave 'em alone,
and that's an order.
Oh, it sure is.
I can't get a break
in either army.
Colonel, this is
the wine for Klink.
It's not our best stuff, is it?
For him? Are you kidding?
It's practically vinegar.
Looks real.
Believe me, you'd be better off
drinking the label.
Wait a minute.
I have to drink with him.
Well, Colonel, this is war.
You can't expect
to live forever.
Thanks a lot. Pour.
Very kind of you to help us
celebrate, Colonel Hogan.
Why not? We don't
want to be enemies
just because we're enemies.
Good health and a short war.
Schultz, this is a good wine.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
It's a gay, saucy little wine
we call "Hussy
of the Vineyards."
So?
Hogan, tell me...
how do prisoners-of-war
get wine?
Come on, Colonel.
Does Macy tell Gimbel?
Macy? Gimbel?
Schultz, do you know these men?
No, Herr Kommandant!
I want you to
check the roll call
very carefully tomorrow.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Sorry I mentioned it.
So.
The traveling salesman
says to the farmer,
"My car broke down, and
I'll have to stay for the night."
The farmer says, "I have
to tell you something.
I don't have a daughter."
Let's go back to
Macy and Gimbel.
The invasion alarm.
Achtung!
To the guns! Schnell! Schnell!
Schnell! Schnell!
Range, 1,500 yards.
Range, 1,500 yards.
Ready?
Ready.
Fire!
Fire!
"Happy birthday, Adolf"?
Schweinhund! Schweinhund!
I know where every
prisoner is at all times!
I am sorry to disagree
with you, Colonel,
but I happen to know
that every one of my men
is thoroughly reliable.
The fact remains, Major...
That's what I like to hear.
They're fighting
amongst themselves now.
And got away because you
were unable to stop them.
And I say, it is because your
prisoners sabotaged my guns.
Hah! That's ridiculous.
All of my prisoners were
accounted for at roll call.
You asked for a working
party. I gave you one.
Did they do a good job?
Yes. Good.
But that is not the point.
Good! That ends the matter
as far as I'm concerned.
Dismissed.
Yes, sir. But I assure you,
Berlin will favor my
version of this affair.
The nerve of that man,
trying to shift the blame
for his own inefficiency.
The Third Reich has no
place for a man like that.
Sounds like a drinking problem.
Undoubtedly.
By the way, Colonel,
I understand that
your working party
did an excellent job in
cleaning up the gun battery.
Thank you.
During my inspection
this morning, I noticed
that our own buildings
could use some
extra repair work.
Request denied.
I offer one extra
hour of electric light,
and one more slice of
bread per man a week.
Two extra hours of light,
and two slices of bread.
One and a half
extra hours of light,
and one and a quarter
slices of bread...