Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 18 - The Gold Rush - full transcript

CBS presents this
program in color.

Raus, raus!

Schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell!

Mach schnell! Raus!

Raus, raus, raus, raus!

Welcome to the
Adolf Hitler Biltmore.

Thank you, sir. Captain
Martin, Edward H.

Colonel Hogan,
Senior P.O.W. Officer.

It, uh... doesn't look
like much at first,

but after you're here
awhile, you get to hate it.

Please, Colonel Hogan,
you are not supposed to talk



with the prisoner until he
has seen the Commandant.

Sorry, Schultz.

How kind of you to
remember, Schultz.

Achtung!

You were four hours
late bringing him here.

Oh, Herr Kommandant,
it couldn't be helped.

Take him to the
office right away.

Hogan, I'll call you
when I need you.

Captain?

Name, rank and
serial number, that's all.

Yes, sir.

New prisoner, Colonel?

Yeah.

Why would Schultz be so
late getting him back here?



Maybe they met a couple of girls

in town, you know, went to a bar

and had a couple of drinks.

And then they...

All right, Carter,
that's enough.

Yeah, yeah, then what happened?

See? See? You got
the natives restless.

Uh, Kinch, is the coffee
pot in working order?

It's all wired and
ready, Colonel.

Okay. The next voice you hear

will be that of Colonel Klink,

direct from his office to you.

His papers, Herr Kommandant.

Mm-hmm.

Shot down near Hamilburg.

Captured by farmers.

Turned over to the Gestapo.

Assigned here.

He didn't give us any
trouble, Herr Kommandant.

Which is more than
I can say for you.

Why were you late?

In Hamilburg, they wouldn't let
us leave Gestapo Headquarters

until the gold bars
were in the bank.

Gold?

What are you blabbering about?

A big shipment of gold
bars which we stole

from the Bank of France is
being shipped to Dusseldorf.

Not stolen... confiscated!

When you defeat a country,
you confiscate its gold.

Stupid!

I thought, if you take something

that does not belong
to you, that is stealing.

I'm stupid.

I don't think you're so stupid.

Silence!

Captain, I want to inform you
that you have been assigned

to the strictest P.O.W.
camp in Germany.

No one has ever
escaped from Stalag 13.

Oh, Colonel, let's
hear the rest of it.

It's just Klink throwing
his weight around.

Sure, you've heard it before.

Und I warn you,
we are well-known

for iron discipline here.

One false move,

and you will face
the consequences.

Hey, that's great!

You sure you're not
part German, Kinch?

I don't think so.

A shipment of gold...

Be nice if we could
do something about it.

Like what?

Like take it out of
circulation, maybe.

Well, how can we do that?

The first problem would
be to get it into camp.

Kinch, get me a map of
this area showing Hamilburg.

Coming right up, um...

Uh... Berlin, Hamburg,
Stuttgart Pittsburgh...

Pittsburgh?! We ever have

anybody escape to Pittsburgh?

Not to... from.

Ah, here it is.

Good.

Hamilburg and area.

All right, now we
circle the center of town

with a red pencil and attach
a bombardier's notation.

Well, what's it going to say?

Let's see.

"Make bombing approach

"from north to
avoid AA batteries.

"Bank located center of town.

Fly contact main road."

Get that ready as
soon as you can.

Klink will be calling
for me any minute.

Right, I'll get
right on it, sir.

Hey, Colonel, you
think we'll get a chance

to get our hands on
some of those gold bars?

It's worth a try.

Think of their
embarrassment if we succeed.

Hitler writes a
check, and it bounces.

And the prisoner,
Captain Edward H. Martin,

was delivered into our
custody as of this date,

and appeared to be...

Yes, come in.

Herr Kommandant,
Colonel Hogan is here.

Send him in. We will complete

our dossier later,
Fraulein Helga.

Yes, sir.

How 'bout a little smile, baby?

Sergeant Schultz,
attend to business.

He's trying, Colonel.

He can do that
outside. Dismissed!

Colonel Hogan, this
is Captain Martin.

I know. We've met.

Well, Captain, how
do you like it so far?

Well, it's about what...
I am not interested

whether he likes it here or not.

Great host, and serves
a wonderful buffet.

The Captain has been
informed that no one

has ever successfully
escaped from Stalag 13.

Yeah, shameful. People
are beginning to talk.

Captain, I warn you,

do not be talked into
any foolish ventures.

For those who try, we have
a reward known as the cooler.

One of the smaller
rooms, without a view.

All right, Captain,
turn out your pockets,

quickly, everything you've got.

Yes, sir.

Here, uh, let me
help you, Captain.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey! Got one of those, huh?

Whew!

Oh-ho, hello there.

One of the men at
the base gave it to me.

What do you see?

You know that famous picture

of George Washington
crossing the Delaware?

Yes, I'm familiar with it.

This ain't it.

Give me that.

I must inspect it
for security reasons.

Oh, I understand, sir, yeah.

American foolishness.

Wouldn't hurt you to distribute
a few of those, you know?

Can you imagine a picture

of Hermann Goring
in a bearskin rug?

Great for morale.

Oops.

Mm-hmm.

What is so interesting
about a piece of paper?

Aha, a map!

Didn't they teach you anything

about destroying
military information?

Why didn't you eat it?

Sir, I...

Do you realize,
before I was captured,

I swallowed the entire
Air Force Survival Manual?

It's not mine.

Look, don't lie to a
commanding officer!

You're in enough
trouble already!

But, sir...

Stand at attention, Captain.

Aha! Hamilburg

is circled in red?

It means nothing.

It's a bombardier
doodling, that's all.

The memorandum:

"Bombing approach from north.

"Avoid AA batteries.

Bank located center..."

Bank?

The gold!

What gold?

Big shipment was just
brought into the town.

Oh, really? That's interesting.

Why a bombing attack on a bank?

Gold can't be
destroyed that way.

What do you know about this?

Well, I...

Name, rank and serial
number. Period. Stop.

You have an answer.

Never mind. I figured
it out for myself.

The bombing
attack is a diversion.

Commandos are dropped,
and in the confusion,

they steal the money.

It's an old trick.

You've got to
get up pretty early

in the morning to
fool Colonel Klink.

I must warn the Gestapo at once.

They will move the
gold to Dusseldorf.

So much for your
little air raid, Captain.

Smart move, Colonel.

Then they bomb
Dusseldorf and steal the gold.

What? Oh, I'm glad
you didn't ask them

to keep the gold here
for a couple of days.

True, it's the safest
place in the world,

and you'd be a big
man with the Gestapo,

but why should you get involved?

He's really got it
where it counts.

Colonel Hogan, you have
given me an excellent idea.

Fraulein Helga,

get me Gestapo
Headquarters in Hamilburg.

I want to talk to the officer

who is in command
of the gold shipment.

I will offer

to keep the gold here.

Hogan, I thank you
for your suggestion.

Me and my big mouth.

That is all.

Dismissed.

Amazing...

So, how's it going, fellas?

Compared to what, sir?

They are working?!

That's right.

Without being ordered?!

Volunteers, every
one of them, Schultz.

Oh, boy, I think I'd better
get out of here schnell.

I know nothing...

There is nothing to know.

But if there was
something, I know nothing.

Nothing.

All right, come on
fellas, get the lead out.

Make way for the Commandant.

What is going on here?

Tidying up a bit,
sir. We want to make

a good impression on the Gestapo

when they bring
the gold into camp.

Really, huh?

After all, we're part

of the Stalag 13
family, too, you know.

That is a very
commendable attitude.

Carry on.

It's Schultz.

We want Klink.

Cover your ears.

There may be a shock
wave when he crashes.

LeBeau, you didn't
saw deep enough.

But, Colonel, I'm sure I did.

Help!

Help, help!

Help!

These steps have collapsed.

Where's my monocle?

In your eye, sir.

You never let go.
Perfect muscle control.

Schultz, how did this happen?

I know nothing, nothing,
Herr Kommandant.

Sabotage. Someone
is trying to kill me.

By any chance, has Germany
declared war on termites?

Why should they
be any different?

Then there's your sabotage, sir.

The termites have eaten
right through the step.

Uh-huh, this has been cut.

Of course it has.

Haven't you ever heard
of saw-tooth termites?

Imagine that. Never
heard of saw-tooth termites.

Sir, I had an uncle
with a wooden leg.

He went to bed one night,

and in the morning
when he got up...

well...

Never mind!

Schultz! Requisition some lumber
from the Quartermaster at once,

and see to it that these
steps are rebuilt immediately.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!

Uh, we'll do the
job for you, Colonel.

Thank you, Hogan.

But not with wood.

I mean, we could spend
hours rebuilding the steps,

the termites eat,
the steps collapse,

and it's bad for our morale.

That's true.

Now, if we had, say, bricks,

we could do a
beautiful job for you.

All right, all right,
make it brick.

Schultz, see to it at once!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!

Well?

Colonel Hogan,

may I ask you a question?

Sure, Schultz.

Why do you pile
the bricks up here

when you're building
the steps over there?

Oh, you see, if
we get too close,

we can't see what we're doing.

Eh?

Understand, Schultz?

Hmm?

Give me time to think it over.

Sure.

Anybody order gold
from room service?

Colonel Klink? Major Kreiger.

Geheimstaatspolizei.
Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

Very good of you to
offer us your hospitality

for our candy bars, Colonel.

Glad to be of service, sir.

I won't fail to
mention your name

to my superiors, Colonel.

Oh, that won't be necessary,

but I hope you do.

Yes. Well, there is a shed

right behind Barracks Five...

An ideal place for the truck.

Excellent. I prefer
it to be out of sight.

Yes, sir.

Schultz!

Jawohl!

Guide the truck
behind Barracks Five.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!

They'll come this
way with the truck.

Newkirk, Kinch, inside.

You know what to do.

Right. Right.

Remember, timing
is very important.

Wait until the truck stops.

Will do.

Carter, LeBeau,
take your positions.

You got everything you need.

We're ready. Mm-hmm.

Don't forget... the truck
exactly opposite the window.

Right. Right.

Good luck. Right.

Langsam.

Langsam...

Halt! Halt, halt, halt!

Hey, hold it a minute,
Schultz, will you?

What are you doing here?

We're just trying

to string our
clothesline, that's all.

Now.

Jolly good show.

Proper coordination
of hand and eye

is what does it, mate.

A fine time to worry
about your laundry.

We must keep
ourselves clean, Schultz.

For once, you could be dirty.

Kaput, Herr Major.

What is the matter?

Just a flat tire.

Have it repaired in no time.

Herr Major, the spring
is completely sheared off.

The weight of the gold, sir.

Fix it at once.

We will need new parts, sir.

There's a supply
depot in Hamilburg.

Schultz, send a
messenger at once

and give the Major
everything he requires.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!

Danke, Colonel.

We'll leave the
shipment where it is

and guard the truck while
the repairs are being made.

Yes, sir. Now, if there is
anything else you need,

just call on me.

Heil Hitler.

Achtung! Achtung!

We're all set down
below, Colonel. Any time.

Right, Kinch.

Schultz is headed this way.

All right.

Newkirk, LeBeau,
you know what to do.

Got the pills right here, sir.

Good.

Schultz, come here.

Get inside!

We got a brilliant idea.

We need your help.

It's an absolute smasher.

Honest, when I think
about it, I choke up.

What, what, what,
what, what is it?

Look, Schultz,

all that gold is sitting there,

and we don't do
anything about it.

What, what...?

What do you want me to do?

Grab a few samples.

Just one of those bars
is worth 50,000 marks.

Let's take three
of them, one each.

One for each of us?

50,000 marks?

Are you crazy?

A bit greedy,
perhaps, but not crazy.

Either go back
or I'll report you.

Trouble with you,
you've got no imagination.

You're a very small man.

They'll never miss it.

After all, the gold was stolen

from the Bank of France.

Not stolen, confis...

cated.

Oh, confiscated.

Ja. You're so stupid.

Now go back into the barracks.

Schnell! Schnell!

Good night, Schultz.

Halt!

Ja. Danke.

Ja. Bitte.

Ja. Danke.

Ja.

Gut, ja?

Gut.

Gut? Gute Nacht.

Ja. Gute Nacht.

All right, any moment now,
they're going to go beddy-bye.

We got to move fast.

Hey, not bad, not bad.

You might get away with it.

Might?!

Colonel, what happens
if we're challenged?

Blimey! We could get
shot for this, you know.

Frankly, I hadn't
considered that.

Well, you will give it
some thought, won't you?

If I come with the answer,
you'll be the first to know.

Well, that makes me feel better.

All right, out you go.

Remember, open
the door of the truck

before you take the post.

Will do.

And you will keep thinking, sir.

I will, I will.

Hey, it's that Kraut Major!

It ain't Gracie Fields.

Quick!

Alles in Ordnung?

Ja, Herr Major.

Gut.

You did great.

If I had any sense,
I'd faint dead away.

I didn't know you spoke German.

I didn't either, till
about a minute ago.

Let's go.

Don't get 'em mixed up.

The bricks you dip in the gold,

and the gold you
dip in the red paint.

How's it going?

Well, everything's right
on schedule, Colonel.

This looks like J. P.
Morgan's playroom.

Colonel? Yeah?

Bet you can't tell which
is real and which is fake.

Eenie, meenie, miney... money.

Uh-huh. This is the real
one. Pretty good, eh?

You native craftsmen
are amazing.

Hey, don't put too
much gold in that stuff.

You'll put us in a
higher tax bracket.

Bon voyage.

Wake up, Fritz, wake up!

Was ist los?

You fell asleep on duty.

Oh, terrible! This is terrible!

Lucky an officer
didn't catch you.

Ja. Danke, Herr
Oberst. Danke, danke.

Anytime.

Ja.

Wake up, Dummkopf!

You fell asleep on duty.

Lucky for you an
officer didn't catch you.

Move!

So, as the sun sets
beyond the horizon,

we say "Farewell,
Major Kreiger."

Colonel, we're
almost out of gold.

What?!

Bricks.

Go draw some from the bank.

The bank?

Bricks.

Oh.

And although Stalag 13 is
known for its iron discipline,

I must relax regulations
just long enough

to thank you for
building these fine steps.

Now, the real credit
for this achievement

goes to Colonel Hogan.

In all fairness, I
must admit to you,

I wanted these steps
made out of wood,

but he insisted that
they be built out of brick,

and he was right.

And I know that
they will last forever.

Yes, Herr Commandant.

Believe me when I tell you,
these steps are as good as gold.

Are you suggesting that
the gold may be here?

This was the last stop
before the bank in Dusseldorf.

When the shipment
was weighed, it was light.

Some of the gold is missing.

Oh, that's terrible.

And unless it is
found, I will be missing.

So, I assure you, I
am going to look for it.

Sir, I resent the implication

that there may be
thieves among us.

So do I.

Do I have your
permission to search

or must I take this
matter over your head

to General Burkhalter?

You may take this camp
apart building by building,

and if you find one
ounce of that gold...

you may use this
gun to shoot me.

I may just take
you up on that, sir.

Hogan, he's going to search.

This concerns you and your men.

Aren't you coming?

If you don't mind,

I'd like to sit this one out.