Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 19 - Hello, Zolle - full transcript
While Hogan detains a German general during an Allied offensive, a Gestapo officer looks into Stalag 13's perfect escape record.
CBS presents this
program in color.
Into the barracks, everybody!
Into the barracks, everybody!
Into the barracks,
schnell, schnell, schnell!
Schnell, schnell, schnell
schnell, schnell, schnell!
All right, schnell, schnell.
Get into the barracks,
and all of you,
you stay in here; order
of the commandant.
Nobody leaves the barracks.
All right, now, Schultzy.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Well, what is it?
Here's the reason
we are all confined.
Well, what's happening?
It's a kraut general
with a bunch of medals.
Anybody with him?
LeBEAU: I can't see.
Klink's all excited.
What are they doing?
LeBEAU: They're dancing.
Hansi!
Putzi!
And now you are a general?
And you are still a colonel.
And now they're
going into Klink's office.
I'd better get the colonel.
Oh, Colonel,
there's a kraut general outside.
That's the trouble
with prison camps.
You never have a
minute just to do nothing.
Get the intercom working, huh?
Come in, my dear Stofle!
Come in, come in!
On the phone you mentioned
something about a
beautiful Rhine maiden.
Ah...
Asleep in the back of my car.
Oh, oh, really?
You were always the wild one.
All set, Colonel.
Good.
To General Stofle,
the great tactician
of the Afrika Korps, my guest.
To my old classmate
at university,
then two grades ahead of
me, now two grades behind.
I shall never forget
what you gave me...
My dueling scar.
Ah, it was my pleasure.
Ooh, I could use a man like you.
We could be a team again.
A team.
Side by side in combat.
The smell of gunpowder.
The roar of cannons.
There is nothing
I would like better,
but, then, I cannot
shirk my duty here,
and my iron hand is needed
to control these prisoners.
Of course, Putzi.
A little more cognac, Hansi?
Ja, ja, ja.
Now, I have arranged
a luncheon at
the officer's club...
Oh, just simple soldier's fare.
A little relaxation
before returning to battle.
What do you know about
my returning to battle?
Nothing. No one even knows
that you are here, Hansi.
Good. No one must know.
I would wager the success
of your next campaign on that.
The Allies would give anything,
Putzi, to know where I am,
But how could they
possibly find out?
It's simple.
Kinch, radio
London and tell them.
Most interesting guest
you have there.
We have a date with his
boys at dawn tomorrow
out in the good old desert.
Could be an awfully good
show for us if he doesn't make it.
I take it you want
us to keep him here.
I do like the way
your mind works.
Just for 24 hours or so.
Just for 24 hours.
Got any suggestions how?
That is a sticky wicket,
but do give it a
whirl, old chaps.
Over and out.
Over and out.
How are we supposed to
kidnap a German general?
Do give it a whirl, old chaps.
Uh-oh. Colonel, he's
sleeping in the back of his car.
The general? Why
would the commander
of the Afrika Korps
be doing that?
Germans.
A bottle of wine for lunch,
and they can't stay awake.
All right, London
wants us to delay him
till after the offensive...
Let's take him.
How?
Good afternoon, General.
I'm the senior POW officer.
Colonel Klink
asked me to take you
on an inspection
tour of the barracks.
Then what?
Once in the barracks, we get him
into the tunnel and to
England for the duration.
Colonel? Mm-hmm.
You sure that's a good plan?
You have a better one?
Good plan. Good plan.
Newkirk. Carter.
Yes, sir.
Diversion.
Schultz.
Come here a minute.
Come on. Come on in.
Come in. What?
We want to see you. Come on in.
What is it? What do you want?
We want you to
settle an argument.
What?
I bet Newkirk I could guess
how much you weigh.
That's all you
guys have to do...
Listen to him.
Don't do that.
Well?
Well, I estimate 250
pounds. Am I right?
I say nothing. Nothing.
May I?
He's 300 if he's a pound.
That's a terrible thing to say.
What do you weigh?
295, but it's still a very
terrible thing to say.
Hello.
Hello.
Sorry, miss, I didn't
know this cab was taken.
Follow me.
Excuse us, miss,
just passing through.
A Gestapo major?
Well, what is it all about?
Of course, let him
in. Anything he wants.
Why are they here?
Who knows?
Mm... might be awkward.
You know how they twist things.
Hansi... I know,
I know, I know...
Oh, how delightful!
Klink, you have
private quarters here?
Of course, of course, through
this door straight ahead.
Mm.
Unload the equipment.
Colonel Hogan, senior officer
of the prisoners
of war, reporting.
So? And may I say how glad
we are to see you here, sir?
You see, we have
many grievances,
and with the Gestapo's
reputation for fairness
and generosity,
we were, um, uh...
Welcome to Stalag 13.
I'm so happy to...
What are you doing here?
I confined all prisoners
to the barracks.
And why was that, Colonel Klink?
Well, it-it-it, um...
Yeah, I've been meaning to
ask why myself, Commandant.
Discipline, huh, discipline.
Sir, I run a hard camp.
Sir, you should have let me
know that you were coming.
Oh, the Gestapo warns no one.
I am Major Zolle,
Commandant Klink,
and I assure you, I know
all about you and your camp.
I will come right to the point.
There is something
strange about this camp.
Strange, sir?
Not one complaint from Berlin.
Why do they not complain?
Because Berlin...
Because Berlin
cannot be trusted either.
Berlin cannot be trusted?
What about General Burkhalter?
What about General Burkhalter?
He personally
commended Stalag 13.
No incidents, no escapes...
Perhaps General
Burkhalter cannot be trusted.
What do you say to that?
General Burkhalter?
I trust no one.
Not you. Not my mother.
Not your mother?
Sir, I assure you, I
run a model camp.
We will find something
wrong, believe me.
I always say if a thing
sounds too perfect, watch out.
Come.
Kommandant Klink,
please, Herr Kommandant.
I have apprehended Colonel Hogan
to be absent from the
barracks without official orders.
Schultz, not now.
What did I say?
Schultz, you're too perfect.
And this, Colonel Klink, is
a wireless listening device
perfected by my department.
Very interesting.
My prisoners are
much too broken in spirit
to require such measures.
Definitely.
So we shall see.
This can hear a mouse's
heartbeat at a hundred paces.
I run a clean camp, sir.
We have no mice here.
It can also detect the sound
of men working in tunnels.
Amazing.
We may do a little digging
to see if it works
when I get back.
This casts a beam so
powerful, it can find a prisoner
a thousand yards away.
Sir, my prisoners are
never that far away.
Weighted, it can
crack a skull like this.
I see you find discipline
distasteful, eh, Kommandant?
I shall put that in my report.
Sir, I admire discipline.
How fortunate...
in case you should ever
be on the receiving end.
Come.
Don't worry, Colonel,
there's not a chance
in the world they'll find
what they're looking for.
What are they looking for?
You mean you don't know
about the general's girlfriend?
What about her?
How do you know
about the general?
There is no general here.
What do you know
about his girlfriend?
I thought you'd recognize
her from the pictures.
Pictures?
Must you always talk in riddles?
You have to really
hand it to General Stofle.
I mean, he may be a
fool, but he's got guts.
What are you talking about?
Well...
Sorry, sir.
It's just that the girl has
been seen constantly
with Himmler, that's all.
Himmler, the Gestapo?
Now I know why they are here.
Feeling all right, Colonel?
What am I to do?
Well, one thing's for sure:
we mustn't let Stofle take the
bit in his teeth and leave too soon.
You know what that would mean.
Of course, of course!
What would it mean?
Shooting. Shooting?
Well, you know how Stofle is.
Who knows better than I?
Didn't he give me this scar?
At the university,
we were inseparable.
And as his best friend,
you'd be implicated.
I hardly know him.
So, the best thing to do is, uh,
keep him entertained
in your quarters.
Entertained... in my quarters.
The best of food and wine.
I was thinking of my man LeBeau.
French. Most discreet.
LeBeau. I shall give the order.
Uh, I guess that
takes care of things.
Colonel Hogan, although we've
had our differences in the past,
and since our uniforms do
not permit us to be friends,
still... my quarters?
The Gestapo will find
them both in my quarters.
Colonel, I like the way
you see through problems.
What can we do?
Well, we've got to keep the
Gestapo busy somewhere else.
They must not come
near your quarters.
It will never work.
Colonel Hogan, it must work.
Colonel, please.
The uniform has to
last me for the duration.
Men, it is up to you.
You, Gunther, go with
Steiner to the warehouse,
and do not hesitate
to use your torches.
Jawohl! Jawohl, Major!
You, there...
What is your name?
It is Sergeant Schultz, um,
awaiting your orders, Major.
I assume you know about
wireless radio, correct?
Wireless... radio...
Of course, Major!
Good. Remember, we must
show these Allied prisoners
how we will win the war.
Jawohl, Major.
You seem to be very
nervous, Herr Klink.
Me, nervous?
Why should I be nervous?
That's a good question.
Follow me.
Aw, Schultz, here, here.
Let me help you, Schultz.
Please! Please, Colonel
Hogan, don't think of helping me.
Schultz!
Jawohl, Herr Major!
This is a foolproof
instrument, Schultz.
If there is a tunnel under
the ground anywhere,
it will tell us.
Jawohl, Major.
Another example of
German scientific supremacy.
We are a remarkable
people, Major.
Ah! I told you, Schultz. There!
Major, I hit something.
Give me that.
Major...
would you like me to dig?
No, Schultz.
This is going to
be my little surprise.
You may fire when
ready, Gridley.
Mon General.
Look, Hansi, real champagne!
From the Commandant's
private cellar.
Ah, he knows how
to live, this Klink.
Not how to die, but how to live.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Mademoiselle.
Mon General.
Here.
What is that?
I don't know.
Some sort of vent.
Let's take a look.
Do you want me
to hold your light?
Yes.
Give you a hand, Sergeant?
Danke schon.
Right. Pleasure.
Thank you.
Watch it now.
Eh, where's the light?
Come back here!
Swine!
What is happening?
They did this.
They stole our equipment!
Quiet, you fool.
If Zolle finds out,
he'll send us to
the Russian front.
What will we do?
What can we do?
Take it easy.
After a while, we tell him
we didn't find anything.
There it is, Schultz.
Those loose boards.
That is how they plan to escape.
Jawohl, Major.
Ja. Set up the ladder.
Certainly.
No, no, Schultz.
No, I'll go.
Take this.
Give me that crowbar.
Right.
If that fool, Klink, wants
evidence, I'll show him.
What is that?
It's from here.
Somebody's prying up the floor.
Must be a prisoner
trying to escape.
Give me the monkey wrench.
They stole that, too.
Here, I can use this.
We can redeem ourselves.
Now Major Zolle will
be very proud of us.
Shh!
General?
Yes? What is it?
Colonel Hogan, Senior
Prisoner of War Officer.
Is the general ready
for lunch yet, sir?
Forget the lunch!
Where's Klink?
Have my car brought here.
I must leave immediately.
Of course. Right away, sir.
Uh, about the young lady...?
Let her sleep. This
is what she does best.
She could sleep
through an artillery drill!
Yes, of course.
Uh, just a minute.
Sir?
You recognize her?
Well, just from the pictures.
What pictures?
Well, you know
how it is in prison.
We don't have much to do,
so we read all
your gossip sheets.
Uh, they say he's
crazy about her.
Who is crazy about her?
What's his name? Uh,
it's on the tip of my tongue.
Uh... Himmel,
Himmel... Something...
Not Himmler. Himmler,
Himmler, that's it.
Himmler!? Yeah, well,
don't worry about it.
You're leaving.
He'll never know.
How can I leave?
The place is
crawling with Gestapo.
And now I see why!
Why didn't I think of that?
That's why you're a general.
They'll be here any minute.
Too bad you're not
in one of our uniforms.
Then you'd be completely
anonymous, huh, LeBeau?
Oh, invisible.
Just a minute. Mm-hmm.
Suppose I were dressed like you.
How would that help
me get out of here?
Then no one would notice you.
You see, you get in the
back of Colonel Klink's car,
you crouch down and
pfft, right out the gate.
Get me an American uniform.
How would we do that?
I don't know how, just do it!
If you say so.
LeBeau?
Size 44 regular.
Coming up, mon general.
Oh, uh, General? Huh?
Would you care for cuffs?
I assure you prisoners,
this comedy is over.
Do you want to tell me about it,
or will I be forced
to drag it out of you?
Very well, no one will speak?
I shall question
you more closely.
Schultz.
Schultz?
He's too smart, Schultz.
He's going to find out about it.
Find out what?
About the defector.
What defector?
The one trying to escape
in the back of Klink's car.
He'll never make it anyway.
Why should he get
all of us into trouble?
Go get him, tiger.
Schultz, where are you going?!
Stop! Stop!
Schultz, what are
you doing here? Stop!
I-I'm apprehending a
defector, Herr Kommandant!
A what? A what? A what? A what?
A defector. Out with you.
Out, out, out, out,
defector. Out! Out!
Aha! Aha!
Now we have something.
This can be explained.
Yes, I shall enjoy
hearing you explain.
Take him away.
I am Major General Hans Stofle,
Commander of the
Ninth Armored Division
Afrika Korps.
Oh? The Afrika Korps
has changed uniform?
I can explain this.
Klink, explain this.
Explain what?
That I am General
Stofle, your old classmate.
Tell him.
Well, Klink?
He resembles my old classmate,
but that's such a long time ago.
Klink!
Ask this man.
He got me the uniform.
Never saw him before in my life.
Take him away.
Just a minute!
If I'm not with my
troops in the morning,
you shall have
to answer for this!
Of course.
But first we must find out
just what those troops are.
In our Berlin headquarters
we have facilities for
sifting out the truth.
There is no time for this!
For the truth there
is always time.
Take him away!
I wonder who he really is?
Hogan, there is something
diabolical about you.
I know.
Hogan, for you I'm considering
30 days in the cooler.
Well, if you think
I deserve it, sir,
I'd be most happy to
honor your sense of duty.
If you deserve it? If you...?
You deserve six months, a year.
That hurts.
The Allies have started a
big offensive in the desert,
and he wasn't
there to stop them.
They got through?
With Stofle gone, like
a knife through butter.
And now my old friend
will never talk to me again.
My career, oh, it's in jeopardy.
In jeopardy?
Hah. I've never seen a
campaign waged more brilliantly.
You achieved total
victory, if I may say so, sir.
Total victory. I did?
If you and Stofle were
still friends, sooner or later
he would have talked you
into being a tank commander,
not that you wouldn't
have been brilliant.
Danke.
The Gestapo was after you.
And where are you today?
Driving a droshky on
the Russian steppes?
No, sir, you're right
here where you belong,
at Stalag 13.
You know something,
Hogan, you could be right.
Zolle was a mere
puppet in your hands.
You let him dance,
think he was in
command and then pfft,
you cut him dead.
You were brilliant the way
you got rid of the Gestapo.
I was?
I never thought of that.
I warned them to leave me
alone, and now they're gone.
Congratulations, Commandant.
Mm, danke.
program in color.
Into the barracks, everybody!
Into the barracks, everybody!
Into the barracks,
schnell, schnell, schnell!
Schnell, schnell, schnell
schnell, schnell, schnell!
All right, schnell, schnell.
Get into the barracks,
and all of you,
you stay in here; order
of the commandant.
Nobody leaves the barracks.
All right, now, Schultzy.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Well, what is it?
Here's the reason
we are all confined.
Well, what's happening?
It's a kraut general
with a bunch of medals.
Anybody with him?
LeBEAU: I can't see.
Klink's all excited.
What are they doing?
LeBEAU: They're dancing.
Hansi!
Putzi!
And now you are a general?
And you are still a colonel.
And now they're
going into Klink's office.
I'd better get the colonel.
Oh, Colonel,
there's a kraut general outside.
That's the trouble
with prison camps.
You never have a
minute just to do nothing.
Get the intercom working, huh?
Come in, my dear Stofle!
Come in, come in!
On the phone you mentioned
something about a
beautiful Rhine maiden.
Ah...
Asleep in the back of my car.
Oh, oh, really?
You were always the wild one.
All set, Colonel.
Good.
To General Stofle,
the great tactician
of the Afrika Korps, my guest.
To my old classmate
at university,
then two grades ahead of
me, now two grades behind.
I shall never forget
what you gave me...
My dueling scar.
Ah, it was my pleasure.
Ooh, I could use a man like you.
We could be a team again.
A team.
Side by side in combat.
The smell of gunpowder.
The roar of cannons.
There is nothing
I would like better,
but, then, I cannot
shirk my duty here,
and my iron hand is needed
to control these prisoners.
Of course, Putzi.
A little more cognac, Hansi?
Ja, ja, ja.
Now, I have arranged
a luncheon at
the officer's club...
Oh, just simple soldier's fare.
A little relaxation
before returning to battle.
What do you know about
my returning to battle?
Nothing. No one even knows
that you are here, Hansi.
Good. No one must know.
I would wager the success
of your next campaign on that.
The Allies would give anything,
Putzi, to know where I am,
But how could they
possibly find out?
It's simple.
Kinch, radio
London and tell them.
Most interesting guest
you have there.
We have a date with his
boys at dawn tomorrow
out in the good old desert.
Could be an awfully good
show for us if he doesn't make it.
I take it you want
us to keep him here.
I do like the way
your mind works.
Just for 24 hours or so.
Just for 24 hours.
Got any suggestions how?
That is a sticky wicket,
but do give it a
whirl, old chaps.
Over and out.
Over and out.
How are we supposed to
kidnap a German general?
Do give it a whirl, old chaps.
Uh-oh. Colonel, he's
sleeping in the back of his car.
The general? Why
would the commander
of the Afrika Korps
be doing that?
Germans.
A bottle of wine for lunch,
and they can't stay awake.
All right, London
wants us to delay him
till after the offensive...
Let's take him.
How?
Good afternoon, General.
I'm the senior POW officer.
Colonel Klink
asked me to take you
on an inspection
tour of the barracks.
Then what?
Once in the barracks, we get him
into the tunnel and to
England for the duration.
Colonel? Mm-hmm.
You sure that's a good plan?
You have a better one?
Good plan. Good plan.
Newkirk. Carter.
Yes, sir.
Diversion.
Schultz.
Come here a minute.
Come on. Come on in.
Come in. What?
We want to see you. Come on in.
What is it? What do you want?
We want you to
settle an argument.
What?
I bet Newkirk I could guess
how much you weigh.
That's all you
guys have to do...
Listen to him.
Don't do that.
Well?
Well, I estimate 250
pounds. Am I right?
I say nothing. Nothing.
May I?
He's 300 if he's a pound.
That's a terrible thing to say.
What do you weigh?
295, but it's still a very
terrible thing to say.
Hello.
Hello.
Sorry, miss, I didn't
know this cab was taken.
Follow me.
Excuse us, miss,
just passing through.
A Gestapo major?
Well, what is it all about?
Of course, let him
in. Anything he wants.
Why are they here?
Who knows?
Mm... might be awkward.
You know how they twist things.
Hansi... I know,
I know, I know...
Oh, how delightful!
Klink, you have
private quarters here?
Of course, of course, through
this door straight ahead.
Mm.
Unload the equipment.
Colonel Hogan, senior officer
of the prisoners
of war, reporting.
So? And may I say how glad
we are to see you here, sir?
You see, we have
many grievances,
and with the Gestapo's
reputation for fairness
and generosity,
we were, um, uh...
Welcome to Stalag 13.
I'm so happy to...
What are you doing here?
I confined all prisoners
to the barracks.
And why was that, Colonel Klink?
Well, it-it-it, um...
Yeah, I've been meaning to
ask why myself, Commandant.
Discipline, huh, discipline.
Sir, I run a hard camp.
Sir, you should have let me
know that you were coming.
Oh, the Gestapo warns no one.
I am Major Zolle,
Commandant Klink,
and I assure you, I know
all about you and your camp.
I will come right to the point.
There is something
strange about this camp.
Strange, sir?
Not one complaint from Berlin.
Why do they not complain?
Because Berlin...
Because Berlin
cannot be trusted either.
Berlin cannot be trusted?
What about General Burkhalter?
What about General Burkhalter?
He personally
commended Stalag 13.
No incidents, no escapes...
Perhaps General
Burkhalter cannot be trusted.
What do you say to that?
General Burkhalter?
I trust no one.
Not you. Not my mother.
Not your mother?
Sir, I assure you, I
run a model camp.
We will find something
wrong, believe me.
I always say if a thing
sounds too perfect, watch out.
Come.
Kommandant Klink,
please, Herr Kommandant.
I have apprehended Colonel Hogan
to be absent from the
barracks without official orders.
Schultz, not now.
What did I say?
Schultz, you're too perfect.
And this, Colonel Klink, is
a wireless listening device
perfected by my department.
Very interesting.
My prisoners are
much too broken in spirit
to require such measures.
Definitely.
So we shall see.
This can hear a mouse's
heartbeat at a hundred paces.
I run a clean camp, sir.
We have no mice here.
It can also detect the sound
of men working in tunnels.
Amazing.
We may do a little digging
to see if it works
when I get back.
This casts a beam so
powerful, it can find a prisoner
a thousand yards away.
Sir, my prisoners are
never that far away.
Weighted, it can
crack a skull like this.
I see you find discipline
distasteful, eh, Kommandant?
I shall put that in my report.
Sir, I admire discipline.
How fortunate...
in case you should ever
be on the receiving end.
Come.
Don't worry, Colonel,
there's not a chance
in the world they'll find
what they're looking for.
What are they looking for?
You mean you don't know
about the general's girlfriend?
What about her?
How do you know
about the general?
There is no general here.
What do you know
about his girlfriend?
I thought you'd recognize
her from the pictures.
Pictures?
Must you always talk in riddles?
You have to really
hand it to General Stofle.
I mean, he may be a
fool, but he's got guts.
What are you talking about?
Well...
Sorry, sir.
It's just that the girl has
been seen constantly
with Himmler, that's all.
Himmler, the Gestapo?
Now I know why they are here.
Feeling all right, Colonel?
What am I to do?
Well, one thing's for sure:
we mustn't let Stofle take the
bit in his teeth and leave too soon.
You know what that would mean.
Of course, of course!
What would it mean?
Shooting. Shooting?
Well, you know how Stofle is.
Who knows better than I?
Didn't he give me this scar?
At the university,
we were inseparable.
And as his best friend,
you'd be implicated.
I hardly know him.
So, the best thing to do is, uh,
keep him entertained
in your quarters.
Entertained... in my quarters.
The best of food and wine.
I was thinking of my man LeBeau.
French. Most discreet.
LeBeau. I shall give the order.
Uh, I guess that
takes care of things.
Colonel Hogan, although we've
had our differences in the past,
and since our uniforms do
not permit us to be friends,
still... my quarters?
The Gestapo will find
them both in my quarters.
Colonel, I like the way
you see through problems.
What can we do?
Well, we've got to keep the
Gestapo busy somewhere else.
They must not come
near your quarters.
It will never work.
Colonel Hogan, it must work.
Colonel, please.
The uniform has to
last me for the duration.
Men, it is up to you.
You, Gunther, go with
Steiner to the warehouse,
and do not hesitate
to use your torches.
Jawohl! Jawohl, Major!
You, there...
What is your name?
It is Sergeant Schultz, um,
awaiting your orders, Major.
I assume you know about
wireless radio, correct?
Wireless... radio...
Of course, Major!
Good. Remember, we must
show these Allied prisoners
how we will win the war.
Jawohl, Major.
You seem to be very
nervous, Herr Klink.
Me, nervous?
Why should I be nervous?
That's a good question.
Follow me.
Aw, Schultz, here, here.
Let me help you, Schultz.
Please! Please, Colonel
Hogan, don't think of helping me.
Schultz!
Jawohl, Herr Major!
This is a foolproof
instrument, Schultz.
If there is a tunnel under
the ground anywhere,
it will tell us.
Jawohl, Major.
Another example of
German scientific supremacy.
We are a remarkable
people, Major.
Ah! I told you, Schultz. There!
Major, I hit something.
Give me that.
Major...
would you like me to dig?
No, Schultz.
This is going to
be my little surprise.
You may fire when
ready, Gridley.
Mon General.
Look, Hansi, real champagne!
From the Commandant's
private cellar.
Ah, he knows how
to live, this Klink.
Not how to die, but how to live.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Mademoiselle.
Mon General.
Here.
What is that?
I don't know.
Some sort of vent.
Let's take a look.
Do you want me
to hold your light?
Yes.
Give you a hand, Sergeant?
Danke schon.
Right. Pleasure.
Thank you.
Watch it now.
Eh, where's the light?
Come back here!
Swine!
What is happening?
They did this.
They stole our equipment!
Quiet, you fool.
If Zolle finds out,
he'll send us to
the Russian front.
What will we do?
What can we do?
Take it easy.
After a while, we tell him
we didn't find anything.
There it is, Schultz.
Those loose boards.
That is how they plan to escape.
Jawohl, Major.
Ja. Set up the ladder.
Certainly.
No, no, Schultz.
No, I'll go.
Take this.
Give me that crowbar.
Right.
If that fool, Klink, wants
evidence, I'll show him.
What is that?
It's from here.
Somebody's prying up the floor.
Must be a prisoner
trying to escape.
Give me the monkey wrench.
They stole that, too.
Here, I can use this.
We can redeem ourselves.
Now Major Zolle will
be very proud of us.
Shh!
General?
Yes? What is it?
Colonel Hogan, Senior
Prisoner of War Officer.
Is the general ready
for lunch yet, sir?
Forget the lunch!
Where's Klink?
Have my car brought here.
I must leave immediately.
Of course. Right away, sir.
Uh, about the young lady...?
Let her sleep. This
is what she does best.
She could sleep
through an artillery drill!
Yes, of course.
Uh, just a minute.
Sir?
You recognize her?
Well, just from the pictures.
What pictures?
Well, you know
how it is in prison.
We don't have much to do,
so we read all
your gossip sheets.
Uh, they say he's
crazy about her.
Who is crazy about her?
What's his name? Uh,
it's on the tip of my tongue.
Uh... Himmel,
Himmel... Something...
Not Himmler. Himmler,
Himmler, that's it.
Himmler!? Yeah, well,
don't worry about it.
You're leaving.
He'll never know.
How can I leave?
The place is
crawling with Gestapo.
And now I see why!
Why didn't I think of that?
That's why you're a general.
They'll be here any minute.
Too bad you're not
in one of our uniforms.
Then you'd be completely
anonymous, huh, LeBeau?
Oh, invisible.
Just a minute. Mm-hmm.
Suppose I were dressed like you.
How would that help
me get out of here?
Then no one would notice you.
You see, you get in the
back of Colonel Klink's car,
you crouch down and
pfft, right out the gate.
Get me an American uniform.
How would we do that?
I don't know how, just do it!
If you say so.
LeBeau?
Size 44 regular.
Coming up, mon general.
Oh, uh, General? Huh?
Would you care for cuffs?
I assure you prisoners,
this comedy is over.
Do you want to tell me about it,
or will I be forced
to drag it out of you?
Very well, no one will speak?
I shall question
you more closely.
Schultz.
Schultz?
He's too smart, Schultz.
He's going to find out about it.
Find out what?
About the defector.
What defector?
The one trying to escape
in the back of Klink's car.
He'll never make it anyway.
Why should he get
all of us into trouble?
Go get him, tiger.
Schultz, where are you going?!
Stop! Stop!
Schultz, what are
you doing here? Stop!
I-I'm apprehending a
defector, Herr Kommandant!
A what? A what? A what? A what?
A defector. Out with you.
Out, out, out, out,
defector. Out! Out!
Aha! Aha!
Now we have something.
This can be explained.
Yes, I shall enjoy
hearing you explain.
Take him away.
I am Major General Hans Stofle,
Commander of the
Ninth Armored Division
Afrika Korps.
Oh? The Afrika Korps
has changed uniform?
I can explain this.
Klink, explain this.
Explain what?
That I am General
Stofle, your old classmate.
Tell him.
Well, Klink?
He resembles my old classmate,
but that's such a long time ago.
Klink!
Ask this man.
He got me the uniform.
Never saw him before in my life.
Take him away.
Just a minute!
If I'm not with my
troops in the morning,
you shall have
to answer for this!
Of course.
But first we must find out
just what those troops are.
In our Berlin headquarters
we have facilities for
sifting out the truth.
There is no time for this!
For the truth there
is always time.
Take him away!
I wonder who he really is?
Hogan, there is something
diabolical about you.
I know.
Hogan, for you I'm considering
30 days in the cooler.
Well, if you think
I deserve it, sir,
I'd be most happy to
honor your sense of duty.
If you deserve it? If you...?
You deserve six months, a year.
That hurts.
The Allies have started a
big offensive in the desert,
and he wasn't
there to stop them.
They got through?
With Stofle gone, like
a knife through butter.
And now my old friend
will never talk to me again.
My career, oh, it's in jeopardy.
In jeopardy?
Hah. I've never seen a
campaign waged more brilliantly.
You achieved total
victory, if I may say so, sir.
Total victory. I did?
If you and Stofle were
still friends, sooner or later
he would have talked you
into being a tank commander,
not that you wouldn't
have been brilliant.
Danke.
The Gestapo was after you.
And where are you today?
Driving a droshky on
the Russian steppes?
No, sir, you're right
here where you belong,
at Stalag 13.
You know something,
Hogan, you could be right.
Zolle was a mere
puppet in your hands.
You let him dance,
think he was in
command and then pfft,
you cut him dead.
You were brilliant the way
you got rid of the Gestapo.
I was?
I never thought of that.
I warned them to leave me
alone, and now they're gone.
Congratulations, Commandant.
Mm, danke.