Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Flight of the Valkyrie - full transcript

CBS presents this
program in color.

Shh.

Bismarck, get out,
you stupid dog. Raus.

Well, Baroness,
welcome to Stalag 13.

Oh, Colonel Hogan.

You are Colonel Hogan?

I'd be a fool to say no.

LeBeau, get back up
and keep a lookout, huh?

Right.

I am sorry.

It is just that I thought I
would never feel safe again,



not even for a moment.

And for this
moment, I thank you.

Our house is your house.

It's fantastic.

Oh, I should not have come.

All Germany is looking for me,

and they will find me.

Very thorough... we Germans.

I've put your work in danger.

Baroness...

Lili.

Baroness is behind me.

Lili. I like that.

Lili, our job right now is
to get you out of Germany.



I will never get out.

My picture and
description are everywhere.

That's why you're
going by plane.

A plane? From England?

But where would it land?

We couldn't figure that
out, so we're building one.

You are joking.

Care to see our factory?

You are joking.

Even free, it would take months,

and you are prisoners.

Fewer distractions.

LeBEAU: Colonel Hogan,

Kommandant Klink
is looking for you.

Klink? What's he want?

I don't know. It seems urgent.

Terrible timing.

LeBeau, see Madame
to her quarters, please.

I'll make this short.

Colonel...

I will be safe here?

Not if I can help it.

Colonel Hogan, I
have sent for you

because I want to tell
you a very funny joke.

You're kidding.

A very funny joke.

You'll enjoy it.

Look, Colonel, it's almost 9:00,

and chances are, I've heard it.

You will sit there,
and you will enjoy it!

Oh, boy.

It seems there
were these two, uh,

what you call race track touts.

Now, one tout
was telling the other

about meeting a very rich man

at the race track
who bought him food,

drinks and introduced
him to pretty girls.

Yeah.

Now, the tout told him to bet

on eight losers in a row.

The next day the
rich man still wanted

to meet the tout at the track.

"Did you meet him?"
the first tout asked.

What do you think the
second tout answered?

I could never guess.

"I had to lose him.
He was bad luck."

That's a real thigh-
slapper, all right.

Look, if there's nothing...

There is something else.

Ever since you've
been at Stalag 13,

strange things are
happening, very strange.

Really?

Yes.

Only last night
an American plane

was shot down close to camp.

The pilot was seen
to parachute to earth,

yet our guards found no pilot.

The next morning we
didn't even find an airplane.

That is strange.

Yes.

Yesterday a German
baroness disappeared,

a special friend of
a Cabinet Minister.

Disappeared, ha.

Defected is what she did.

She was sighted, headed
in the direction of this camp.

Now, the Gestapo
are asking questions.

Do I need the Gestapo
asking me questions?

Colonel Klink, just what
is it you're implying?

I am implying

that strange things
are happening.

Tanks disappear and end
up in the recreation hall.

Trains are blowing up.

Out of a locked humidor,
my cigars vanish.

Are you suggesting
that I'm responsible?

I am suggesting nothing.

But you are bad luck.

I shall have to lose you.

Lose me?

Oh, you mean send me home.

Much as I appreciate that...

Silence!

You will stay right here.

Langenscheidt!

Yes, Herr Kommandant?

Call in Colonel
Crittendon at once.

He is here, Herr Kommandant.

Colonel Crittendon

reporting to camp
commandant as requested.

Colonel Hogan, may I present

Colonel Crittendon
of the Royal Air Force?

How do you do, Hogan?

Just shot down?

Months ago. I've
been in Stalag 18.

You had him transferred?

What is your exact date
of rank, Colonel Hogan?

You know my date of rank.

I guess he has about
ten years on me.

Twelve, actually.

That makes him senior
prisoner of war officer.

Nice going, Klink.

No offense to you, Crittendon.

Know how you feel, old boy.

I'll pop in on you in the
morning to take over,

right after calisthenics.

We don't do calisthenics.

Oh?

Right after morning
parade, then.

We don't parade, either.

Well, well.

Quite a bit of shaking
up to do, what?

Commandant.

Nice fellow, hey, Hogan?

Would you care for a cigar?

If I can't steal them
honestly, I don't want them.

Colonel, you can't just
take this lying down.

When you get the pink
slip, you get the pink slip.

What can I do? Hold
out for a gold watch?

Well, we're going to
do something about it.

What?

Well, uh, we'll
hold an election.

That's it!

That's the first time
in military history.

We'll hold an election.

We'll get all the guys
in the camp together

and we'll just...

Or something like that.

Look, why don't
we all escape, huh?

That's a great idea!

Hold it! Hold it!

We're not here to escape.
There's work to be done.

What, under Crittendon?

This is bigger than any one man.

Have you told him
about the Baroness?

Not yet. He's out
doing calisthenics.

You're joking.

I'm not going to do that.

Wait a minute.

The British didn't
send this Crittendon

to take Colonel Hogan's place.

The French didn't send him.

And the Americans
didn't send him.

So, we can just
ignore him, right?

Wrong!

He's senior prisoner
of war officer now

and he's in charge
of operations.

Look, everything's
going to turn out just fine.

Morning, chaps.

Hello, Colonel.

Like to introduce
you to my staff.

Sergeant Kinch is in
charge of operations.

Corporal LeBeau is
our chef, and this is...

No need for that, old boy.

Nothing against
these fellows at all,

but of course I'll
choose my own.

This is my desk?

I was just clearing
it out, yeah.

The maid hasn't
been in this morning.

Jolly good.

Well, let's get down
to business, shall we?

Uh, Colonel, there
are a few things

I think you should
know about Stalag 13.

Of course, old boy.

Picked them up already.

You have?

No calisthenics, which
mean flabby bodies,

which means flabby minds,
which means a flabby camp.

Flabby.

No parades, which
means low morale,

which means Jerry
knows he's got us in a box,

which means a
bad show all 'round.

Bad show.

Do you realize, since
this camp was opened,

there has not been one escape?

Not one.

Bad show?

Terribly.

It is the duty of
every prisoner of war

to make the utmost
effort to escape

and rejoin his own
national forces.

I myself have made 11 attempts.

No luck?

Caught every time.

Uh, Colonel, our operation here

is not what you're
quite used to.

Definitely, old boy.

So, let's get digging, chaps.

Now, I need some thin types
down in the hole with me.

Long arms, dig like
badgers, those types.

Let's see.

Uh-huh, very good,
we'll give you a try.

What's your name, Corporal?

Uh, Newkirk, sir.

Bit flabby, but you're English.

We'll take you.

Well, actually sir, me
mother's more Welsh.

Coal miners! The very best.

We'll start digging
this morning.

Colonel, before you begin,

let me put a
hypothetical case to you.

Yes, of course, old boy.

Suppose you were in a camp

that specialized in helping
other people out of Germany.

Other people? What other people?

Suppose a German who
had lots of information

about the German High Command.

But that would be spying.

You could say that, yes.

In that case, which would be

definitely bad form
for prisoners of war,

I would hand over
any information I had

to the German camp commander.

You would?

Like a shot.

Do you happen to know
of any such operation?

Just asking.

Well, chaps, let's
get to digging, men.

Happy digging.
See you at parade.

No, Colonel...

Right turn, double march!

Hut, two, three, four.
Hut, two, three, four.

Bad show?

No, no, Colonel.

Not even of you
will I believe it. No.

Simple operation, really.

We're all Air Force men.

We saw the plane crash.

We merely went
out and got the parts.

Along with Lieutenant Harris.

He's going to fly
you out of here.

How you got it in, I
can almost believe,

because it is here.

But how you will get it out

and me in it, no.

We'll work out something.

But what?

We like to play these things
like Eliza crossing the ice.

It keeps us on our toes.

When we figure it out,
you'll be the first to know.

It is impossible.

And somehow, I
think it will happen.

Thank you.

A fantastic operation.

And a fantastic man in charge.

Well, actually,
I'm not in charge.

That would be
Colonel Crittendon.

Who is that? Where is he?

At the moment he's digging.

An escape tunnel?

Mm-hmm.

Good man. I hope he makes it.

He's mad, you know.

The whole thing's mad.

Kind of primitive

alongside of the
tunnels we've got.

We could be at this for months.

You know, it's enough
to drive a man to escape.

I have to bite me tongue
to keep from telling him.

Better not.

Colonel Hogan would
bite more than your tongue.

Right.

Well, maybe we'll
have a cave-in.

It'd be a nice, clean way out.

Newkirk!

Ow!

Better watch your head.

Oh, thanks, Carter.

Come on. Give me a bucket.

Yeah, here you go.

Thanks.

I don't know how those
gophers do it, you know?

I just really don't.

It's one long
thing, up and down.

Newkirk!

I'm coming, sir.

Hey, Colonel.

What is it, Kinch?

Listen.

Digging?

Sounds like it.

Is it one of them?

Worse... I think it's one of us.

What do we do, Colonel?

Was he serious about
turning us in to the Germans?

Very serious.

We can't let him.

We've got to stop him.

Absolutely.

All right. Hold it, hold it.

What you've got to realize

is we're very limited
to what we can do here.

He's still in command.

We can't go against
the Articles of War.

I mean, once
discipline breaks down,

we're no better than a mob.

Hello?

However, accidents will happen.

Well, how we feeling, better?

Peculiar thing, Hogan.

I can't remember a
thing about the cave-in.

Not a thing... until these chaps
had me out and above ground.

Bit of a close call, Colonel.

The whole tunnel caved in.

Had to give it up, I'm afraid.

Yeah, objectively, the
project's a total loss.

Well... that is too bad.

Now, the last thing I remember,

or think I remember...

but that's a bit thick.

Delusions? I've heard
of that in cave-ins.

You have?

Definite medical phenomena...

like the man dying
of thirst in the desert

keeps seeing
mirages of water holes.

Exactly.

I thought I saw this
large room, lighted, and...

You know what was in it?

An airplane.

How did you know?

Symbol of freedom for a flier.

Oh, yes, of course.

It's classic. It's classic.

And do you know what else?

A woman.

Why, yes.

Colonel...

I imagine it's been
quite some time?

Oh, yes...

Well, we can't have you

going down digging
tunnels, can we?

A week's rest and
you'll be as good as new.

Blast it all, Hogan.

I can't sit here for
weeks doing nothing.

Our duty is to escape,
escape, escape!

Naturally, but
I-I don't see how.

Well, there are other
ways, apart from digging.

Look here... this camp is laid
out so a child could escape.

Why, beyond the barbed wire there,
the-the woods are ridiculously close.

Funny, I've never noticed.

Had you never thought about it?

All we need is someone
to create a diversion

while we cut the
wire and run for it.

Diversion. Diversion.

Excitement, noise.

We got some Red Cross
instruments for an orchestra.

Just the thing.

But we had to give it up.
They were all kettle drums.

My dear fellow, the
more noise, the better.

Uh, "Die Walkure" or
"The Ride of the Valkyries."

You know, uh, Germans
love Wagner anyway.

Come on, I mean,
we couldn't play

while you're cutting
through the wire.

Put something up at the
other side of the camp.

Have you no imagination, man?

Maybe if you went to
Klink in a couple of days

and asked for a big tent.

Couple of days?
Huh, I'll do it now.

Why, with a spot of luck,

I could be out of
here tomorrow night.

Really?

Oh, yes, uh... take you
chaps with me, of course.

Thank you, sir. Thanks.

And you, too, Hogan,
if you had a bit of sand.

And leave the orchestra?

You've never seen
me play kettledrums.

Colonel Hogan! Colonel Hogan!

Colonel Hogan!

Hi, Schultz. Please...

You didn't know I played

with the Mound City
Blue Blowers, did you?

Colonel Hogan! Colonel Hogan!

What is it, Schultz?

Please, Colonel, I
have a wife and a family.

I'm their sole support.

It would be worth my life

to have female spies
walking around the camp.

What?

Walking around the camp.

Where did she come from?

Don't tell me, but wherever
it was, put her back.

It was unforgivable, of course.

Not only that, it
could've been fatal. Why?

I should have told
you, but I thought...

I thought I could control it.

You see, before I escaped,

the Gestapo put me
in a cell underground.

Just now, I could not stand
being underground anymore.

I thought, just
a breath of air...

then I would go back down,

but the guard spotted me.

Oh, it was weak. It was foolish.

Fortunately, it was Schultz.

You have bribed him?

Just once. Since then,
we keep telling him things

he shouldn't know.

I think I could go
into the tunnel now.

All right. Let me
look around first.

It's all set.

Klink fell for it like a
ton of... Who's that?

Corporal Franston,
one of my best.

Our best. Your best.

Oh. Safe to talk
in front of him?

Oh, perfectly, perfectly.

Oh... quite.

Well, we've got our tent.

Oh, great. I've got just
the place to set it up.

Now, we've got to get to
work on the wire cutters.

Are you sure this
corporal's all right?

All right? She's more
than all right, she's... a he.

What in blazes is a
woman doing here?

Hiding, Colonel Crittendon.

And she's German, too.

Baroness Lili Van Schlichter.

Hogan, don't you realize
who this woman is?

Don't you know
we could all be shot

if we're even found with her?

Oh, of course, there's
a little risk involved,

but do you realize how
many people are hurt

each year in auto accidents?

As prisoners of war, our
sole obligation is to escape.

In every other area, we-we
cooperate fully with the enemy powers.

I regret I shall
have to turn you in.

You're going to hate yourself.

Are you, um, threatening me?

Colonel Crittendon,
you are a soldier.

You have a soldier's code.

I am a civilian. I have no code.

In my country, I am
considered a traitor.

Uh, yeah. I think I
should tell you, Baroness,

I'm not a man to succumb to
the blandishments of a woman.

I don't speak to you as a woman,

but as one who is fighting
for the same cause...

A traitor, if you will,

who is fighting for honor
to return to her country.

If you wish to turn
me in, I am ready.

24 hours. No more.

That'd be just about right.

Odd, you know, Hogan.

She's, uh... she's
remarkably similar

to the girl I saw in
my, uh, hallucination.

You know what that means?

No, what?

You've got good taste.

Oh, thanks.

Bum, bum, ba-ba-ba-bum,
rum-pa-pum-pum-pum,

rum-pa-pum-pum-pum...
Incredible!

Yes, Herr Kommandant.

How well they play,
these prisoners.

Would you believe it...
This is their first rehearsal.

They must be trained
musicians, Herr Kommandant.

They play Wagner like Germans.

You know, Helga...

You know that the whole
of our beautiful national soul,

our culture is expressed in
"The Ride of the Valkyries."

As a warrior, you
must feel it deeply.

I do.

Perhaps some
day, as a fallen hero,

I shall be carried off to
Valhalla across the saddle

of a beautiful
German war maiden...

such as you, my dear Helga.

Are you volunteering for
active duty, Herr Kommandant?

Be quiet and
listen to the music.

A beauty, huh, Schultz?

Where's the orchestra?

I'm talking about the airplane.

What airplane?

Kinch.

All ready, Colonel.

Okay, Lili.

This is too much.
I must protest.

Please, Colonel
Hogan, my family.

Did I tell you I'm
the sole provider?

You should see how they
can eat. Please, Colonel...

Don't talk to me, Schultz.

Colonel Crittendon's the
senior officer in charge.

Where is he?! Oh, don't tell me!

Where's the blasted music?

They're letting the
drums cool down.

I wouldn't mind it, Colonel.

Ah, now,

you chaps start
cutting away here,

and I'll go on down
a bit and start cutting.

Yeah, right, Colonel.

Good luck.

Have to watch those
little hooks, Colonel.

I'd love to see his face
when he cuts that wire.

So would I. Timber.

I only hope that he
doesn't get hit by the plane.

Why?

'Cause he'd break
a prop, that's why.

I will never forget you.

What?

I said...

Strong thing.

What was that? It
sounded like a motor.

It is a motor, attached
to an airplane.

Stop!

Come on.

Uh, begging your
pardon, Colonel,

you're outside the camp now.

That makes Colonel
Hogan the senior officer,

and he prefers us to stay.

You're a disgrace
to the British uniform.

Right, sir.

You better get moving, Colonel.

You're in the middle
of a landing strip.

What?

Halt!

Halt! Halt! Halt!

Halt!

Fire, you dummkopf,
fire! Fire! Halt!

Halt!

Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan.

Morning, Colonel Klink.

I want an explanation,
Hogan, and I want it now.

Frau Helga, take this down
for an official report to Berlin.

Take what down? About yesterday.

Airplanes, falling down
fences, music without musicians.

Oh, that. Have you talked
to Colonel Crittendon?

Colonel Crittendon is in the
cooler for attempted escape.

Besides which, he
denies everything.

Well, frankly, Kommandant,
I do think what happened

was pretty deplorable, and
probably accounts for the rumors.

Rumors? What rumors? You
heard something? Mm, nothing.

I'm being transferred.
That's it. Is it not?

You know, it's a funny thing.

When I heard that
music, I kept seeing you

as a fallen hero
borne off to Valhalla

across the saddle... No,
they can't do that to me,

not with my record!

Up to now, it's been perfect.

Mm-hmm. Not a single escape.

We did make quite a team.

Take down an official report.

Transfer Colonel Crittendon
back to Stalag 18 at once.

But what about the
official report to Berlin?

Oh, forget it.

Colonel Hogan,
just tell me one thing.

Was it really Colonel Crittendon

who was responsible
for yesterday?

Well, let's put it this way.

We had to lose him.
He was bad luck.