Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Late Inspector General - full transcript
Hogan must reverse course when efforts to make Klink look competent before the Nazi Inspector General get the Kommandant promoted with a transfer to Berlin.
CBS presents this
program in color.
All right, three
minutes till roll call.
Let's make sure
we're squared away.
Olsen, what's this?
Dynamite's buried
there, Colonel.
How far from the
railroad station?
400 yards.
And the train is due when?
3:16 this afternoon.
Newkirk, how does he get out?
Rides out with the dogs,
Colonel, in the truck.
How's the truck get out?
Carrying the dogs that
are out looking for Olsen.
After you report him as missing.
During the diversion.
Which is set off when, Carter?
When you give the signal,
raising the bill of your cap.
Like this.
It's a pod, Colonel.
Ain't no sweat.
What do we do for an encore?
You're good.
You're all very good.
We work together good.
So good, in fact, you're
beginning to pad your parts.
Having so much fun,
we're beginning to ad lib.
Well, hear this.
All I want is a
simple diversion,
a simple escape and
a simple dynamiting
of an ammunition train.
Stick to the script...
Is that clear?
Guard coming, Colonel.
All right, Olsen, get your gear
together, get ready and go out.
Now...
this is a woman.
W-O-M-A-N.
What is this?
This is a lecture I have to
give every six months, Schultz.
It's army regulations.
Ah, ah, ah. I don't believe you.
You want to know what
we were really doing?
No! I want everybody
out, out, out, out, out, out!
All right, some
other time, Schultz.
Roll call! Everybody out
but you, Colonel Hogan.
Kommandant Klink wants
to see you in his office.
It is urgent.
All right.
Trouble, Colonel?
Yeah, I'll be able to handle it.
Look, uh, change the
signal for the diversion.
When you see me come
out of Klink's office, that'll be it.
Then Olsen takes off and
blows up the choo-choo train.
When you come out
of Klink's office, that's it.
Yeah. What if you
get held up in there?
I'll tell him we have
a train to catch.
Colonel Hogan, does the
name General Von Platzen
mean anything to you?
Von Platzen...
Yeah, the Inspector General.
Inspector General of the
armies of the Third Reich.
Now, he is due to
arrive here any moment.
Here? Why wasn't I notified?
Why should you be?
Why shouldn't I be?
I, of course, have no anxiety.
Everything at Camp 13
is in perfect order, perfect.
Up till now, that's true.
But I am well aware,
Colonel Hogan,
there is nothing you and
your men would not do
to try to undermine
my position here,
even to have me replaced.
Replace you? Are you kidding?
We'd do anything
to keep you here.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
I am not a vain man,
so do not try flattery.
You would like someone
less strict, less vigilant,
less efficient, is that not so?
No, you suit us just fine.
Ah! My record is perfect.
In over 200 attempts, not
one successful escape...
but I warn you... during
this inspection visit,
I shall keep my eyes upon
you, so do not try anything.
Is that clear?
Sure, it's clear.
It just may be a little
too late, that's all.
What do you mean?
Herr Kommandant.
Did I ask for you,
Langenscheidt?
Kommandant Klink,
General Von Platzen
and his party are here.
Here? Where? How?
Just outside the building.
I gave strict instructions
I was to be notified
the moment they
came in the gate.
Now, I will find those
responsible and...
Did you say just
outside the building?
On their way in,
Herr Kommandant.
Every hair in place.
Out!
Oh, I'll wait here.
Out!
General Von Platzen,
Colonel Klink reporting, sir.
Colonel Klink, ja.
Things look very
good here, ja, ja, ja.
Very... very good indeed.
Thank you, Herr General.
May I present Colonel Hogan,
senior officer of the prisoners of war.
What? Who? Oh, ja, ja.
As long as you're
inspecting, sir,
I'd like to complain
about the food here.
Ah, you are confused, Ogan.
I am his inspector
general, not yours.
Yeah, well, it's Hogan, sir.
Under international law,
I could stay right
here and make a list.
If the prisoners do not
complain about the food,
then I know there
is something wrong.
You have passed
your first test, Klink.
Shall we go outside?
Well, by all means,
Herr General.
I will inspect your
personal staff later.
Come, Brogan.
Uh, Hogan, sir, and I
don't go outside much.
I have a chest condition.
Out! Out!
Out.
Raus, everybody, raus!
Yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes!
Everybody, raus!
Raus, everybody, raus!
Yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes!
Raus, everybody, raus!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, everybody, raus!
Raus, everybody!
Eins, zwei, drei, vier,
funf, sechs, sieben, acht,
neun...
B-l7's.
Barbarians!
Now they're bombing
prison camps!
It is our leader's fault.
He told us that German
soil would be sacred.
What am I saying?
I think it's a thunderstorm.
Any more firecrackers, Carter?
Yeah, one more.
Oh, person'd think there's
a war on, wouldn't they?
Hey, Schultz! Schultz!
I think we got a man missing.
Who cares?
It's all over. There's
been an escape.
It's Olsen, Schultz. He's gone!
Did you have to tell me?
I beg to report. A
prisoner is missing!
Sound the alarm!
Let loose the dogs!
Get on your feet, you cowards!
The truck with the dogs.
After them! Go!
What'd you do that for, Colonel?
It's a complicated war, Olsen.
Thanks.
Now, let us see
what we have here.
Explosions...
escapes...
cigars?
It is locked. Allow
me, Herr General.
Oh, ja, ja, ja.
So, you... you keep
them locked up?
It's a very interesting
trait of character, Klink.
They are... my little prisoners.
Excuse me, Herr
General, would you wish me
to take all this down?
As you wish.
Mainly, you just sit
there and look pretty.
Thanks, I will.
Not you.
Oh, sorry.
Do you have an
explanation for these, mm...
occurrences, Klink?
It is a plot to discredit
me, Herr General.
This man would do
anything to have me removed.
I have never trusted him. Never.
Well!
What steps have
you taken, Klink?
The escapee, Sergeant Olsen,
is in the cooler for 30 days.
The entire camp will be punished
by having their exercise
period canceled for three weeks.
The barracks are
being torn apart
in a search for
further explosive.
Further... This man
is an inhuman beast.
Ah... and your explanation,
Colonel Dugan?
Hogan.
For the boom-boom
and all of that?
A legitimate escape attempt
by men tortured beyond
the limit of their endurance.
Ah, so... a strange coincidence
that it should occur
during my visit.
To be honest with you, it was
a slip-up in our intelligence.
You were plotting against me.
And your... how would
you say it... your, um...
grandstand gesture
in stopping the escape,
from our side, of course,
very commendable.
Thank you.
From your side,
you would be a fink.
That's show business.
You see, Herr General, he
admits that it was play-acting.
Colonel Klink. Yes,
Herr Inspector General?
In Berlin, your record has
been under review for some time.
There have been
unfortunate occurrences, yes.
20 years in parade,
longer than any colonel
in the whole German Army.
Were I given my
Luftwaffe pilots back,
instead of having
to deal with men
like this!
20 years with an
efficiency rating
one degree above miserable...
until... you were put
in charge of Camp 13.
Herr Inspector General,
I take full responsibility
for the shameful
happenings here.
It is a stain upon my honor,
and I realize the Inspector
General has no other choice
but to relieve me of my post.
Klink, do you realize what has
been going on in other camps?
What is going on?
Wholesale escapes, breaks,
tunneling like gophers.
Only in Camp 13 have
there been no escapes.
You mean I'm to be retained?
No.
No?
No?
You're making a
big mistake, General.
Get off my side.
Colonel Klink, when I get back
to Berlin, I shall recommend
that you be transferred there,
and be put in charge...
of all prison camps.
You have finally
found your niche.
You can't do that!
Why not?
Congratulations, Klink.
And, of course, you will
bring along your personal staff.
Of course, Herr General.
Thank you, Herr General.
I am most gratified,
Herr General.
General?
Ja, Colonel, um...?
Fagin.
Ja, Colonel Hogan, might I say
that it was your hostility
and fear of Colonel Klink
that convinced me
he was our man.
Now, you wish to
make a statement?
I don't think so.
Sometimes, I just talk too much.
At ease.
All right, all
right, so I blew it.
If I told you once, I told
you a thousand times,
don't overdo it.
Don't oversell, right?
Then I went out and did it.
It's everybody's fault, Colonel.
We made him look too good.
Right.
Now we have to go the other way.
Make him look bad.
How hard can that be?
Blow up his headquarters?
No, no, think small.
Just enough to louse
up the promotion.
Set fire to his headquarters.
Think small.
Inspection party on the way,
Colonel... Von Platzen and Klink.
All right, look, we
don't have a chance
to plan this thing.
LeBeau, get down to
Tunnel Number Four.
Put Plan Alpha into action,
right next to the ventilator
in the barracks, right?
Now, remember we're going
to have to wing this
thing, so keep it small.
Right? Right.
Achtung! Attention!
Colonel Robert
Hogan, senior officer
of the prisoners of
war reporting, sir.
Ja, ja. We have met, I believe.
You may stand at
ease, gentlemen.
So, Colonel Klink, shall
we review your troops
for the final time?
For the final time,
Herr General.
Jawohl.
Jawohl.
Oh, oh, excuse me, sir.
You've got a bit of
a loose button there.
I notice these sort of
things in my line of work.
It's tailoring, you
know, sir. Tailoring.
I'll fix it up for
you right as rain.
Don't worry... Take
your hands off me!
Take your hands off him!
There's no call to
get huffy, governor.
Where's my monocle?
It seems to be in my
hand, Herr General.
Does your hand need a monocle?
I believe I have an
explanation for this, sir.
No, I haven't.
This is the overseas service
of the BBC with a...
What is this?
Herr General.
Schultz!
Where is that radio?
They didn't tell me.
Find it at once.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Hogan.
Hmm?
Where does that voice come from?
The evaluation of
yesterday's raid...
From the accent,
I'd say England.
So, a model camp, Klink.
Explosions for arriving
guests, a funny kommandant.
And now prisoners
tuned into the BBC?
Maybe you could get them
all weekend passes to London?
Hey, as a matter
of fact, General...
Silence!
General, I can assure
you, I will find that radio,
if Sergeant Schultz will have
to take the barracks apart
by tearing out each
nail with his teeth.
I hope so, Klink, for your sake.
Shall we go before they
decide to steal my wallet?
Nobody leaves the room.
I can assure you,
Herr General...
I am getting very shaky
from your assurances, Klink.
Search everybody.
Search!
Search the prisoners.
What are you doing?
Herr Kommandant,
sometimes they...
I assure you, Herr General, I...
I assure you, Klink,
pickpockets to be
running our prison camps,
we don't need.
Herr General, I...
Uh, by the way, Kommandant,
I haven't had a chance
to congratulate you
on your promotion.
They're headed in the
right direction, Colonel.
Figure about ten feet more, huh?
But everything else is in
perfect order, Herr General.
Everything else...
What is it?
A tunnel is what it is.
Get me out of here!
Herr General, I
do not understand.
Take your hand off my wallet!
Boy, you're a
shrewd one, General.
You discovered our tunnel.
So, you admit it.
I shall trace it back
to whatever
barracks it came from,
and the guilty men
will be put in the cooler
for at least six months.
As a matter of fact, sir, it
comes from your headquarters.
Just thought it
was easier that way.
So...
This camp, Klink, this
camp is a black page
in the glorious history
of the Third Reich,
which I shall report
when I get back to Berlin.
I certainly hope this
won't stand in the way
of your promotion, sir.
How you must hate me.
You did what to his staff car?
Oh, it'll still run, Colonel,
if you push it.
What made you think
of taking out the motor?
Well, you told us
to think big, Colonel.
Or was it small?
We even went too
far with the tunnel bit.
Now, what happens when
Von Platzen gets in the car?
We got the starter
wired to this little gadget...
I know that. What
happens to Klink?
Yeah, you got a
good point there.
All right, all right, this
is what we've got to do.
Carter, got into a
German uniform.
I need another German.
How about me?
Don't be funny.
LeBeau.
Newkirk, fix him
up with a uniform.
Kinch, get over
to the motor pool.
Requisition another
staff car. Right.
Carter, what made you
think of taking out the motor?
I guess because it was there.
Perhaps the inspector general
could spend another day,
just to see how
smooth things run here.
Another day here, and
I would order you shot.
Perhaps I could write a
letter to the inspector general.
I would first soak it
in water, then bury it.
Herr General.
Is there nothing I can do?
Pray.
Drive on.
Klink, you are
trying to kill me.
I could not be more fond of
you if you were my brother.
Schultz, see what it is.
M-M-Me?
Yes, you, now.
It is only a smoke bomb.
Good.
Any damage to the motor?
What motor?
I assure you, Herr General, I...
Klink, do you consider
yourself competent enough
to undertake the task
of arresting yourself?
Jawohl.
Arrest myself?
Only until I get back to Berlin.
Then I will have
professionals arrest you.
But I assure...
Do not assure me.
Order a staff car to
take me back to Berlin.
Schultz, a staff car.
Jawohl.
Uh, I think I see
one coming now.
Who asked you?
No one, it's just that
he may get luckier
with the next staff car.
What do you mean?
But I... Forget it.
I've changed my mind.
Have the car drive me
to the railroad station.
Usually, things run
very smooth here.
Drive on.
Well, looks like
you're one of us now.
The peculiar thing is,
I don't even hate you.
I feel somehow beyond that.
You're big, sir.
Very big.
Were I in your position, I
would've considered it my duty
to get rid of a
kommandant as hard,
as coldly efficient as I am.
The only thing is, you did it.
Colonel Klink...
But even now,
my career gone,
my life hanging by a thread,
I don't hate you.
Perhaps had we
met at another time,
another place, we might
have even become friends.
But it is all over now.
Colonel Klink, you've
read Napoleon, of course.
Naturally.
Napoleon?
Of course.
Uh, what did he say?
He said that the
commander who almost daily
commits his life and his
career to the fates of battle
will time and again
find himself in situations
where all seems lost.
Yes, yes.
But the commander who
will alter the course of history
will never lose faith in
a mysterious something
he thinks of as his
star, his destiny.
He will think of a miracle,
and his star will
carry him through.
Yes.
Uh, but what miracle could
possibly save me now?
Think that the
train will blow up.
The train will blow up?
Only if you believe.
And you'd better do it quick.
I believe.
Once again.
I believe.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
What was that?
Sounded like a train blowing up.
A train blowing up.
My star.
Either you got
it or you haven't.
You've got it.
Oh, hi, Schultz.
Colonel Hogan. Huh?
Colonel Hogan,
Herr Kommandant
demands that I find the radio
even if I have to take
apart the barracks,
nail by nail, with my teeth.
It's all right with us,
Schultz, Go ahead.
Oh, please, Colonel Hogan.
It would make
things so much easier
if you would find
the radio for me.
Any radio.
All right. Sounds
reasonable enough.
Kinch, help him out, will you?
Sure, Colonel.
Come on.
There you are. Take your choice.
Sheesh.
That will do. Oh.
And Colonel Hogan... Yeah?
Many thanks.
That'll be $26 American
money, Schultz.
What? $26?
It's only ten above cost.
You want us to make a profit.
Oh, you are
profiteering by the war.
Look at it this way...
It's tax deductible.
That's different.
Eins, zwei...
Drei, vier,
funf, sechs...
program in color.
All right, three
minutes till roll call.
Let's make sure
we're squared away.
Olsen, what's this?
Dynamite's buried
there, Colonel.
How far from the
railroad station?
400 yards.
And the train is due when?
3:16 this afternoon.
Newkirk, how does he get out?
Rides out with the dogs,
Colonel, in the truck.
How's the truck get out?
Carrying the dogs that
are out looking for Olsen.
After you report him as missing.
During the diversion.
Which is set off when, Carter?
When you give the signal,
raising the bill of your cap.
Like this.
It's a pod, Colonel.
Ain't no sweat.
What do we do for an encore?
You're good.
You're all very good.
We work together good.
So good, in fact, you're
beginning to pad your parts.
Having so much fun,
we're beginning to ad lib.
Well, hear this.
All I want is a
simple diversion,
a simple escape and
a simple dynamiting
of an ammunition train.
Stick to the script...
Is that clear?
Guard coming, Colonel.
All right, Olsen, get your gear
together, get ready and go out.
Now...
this is a woman.
W-O-M-A-N.
What is this?
This is a lecture I have to
give every six months, Schultz.
It's army regulations.
Ah, ah, ah. I don't believe you.
You want to know what
we were really doing?
No! I want everybody
out, out, out, out, out, out!
All right, some
other time, Schultz.
Roll call! Everybody out
but you, Colonel Hogan.
Kommandant Klink wants
to see you in his office.
It is urgent.
All right.
Trouble, Colonel?
Yeah, I'll be able to handle it.
Look, uh, change the
signal for the diversion.
When you see me come
out of Klink's office, that'll be it.
Then Olsen takes off and
blows up the choo-choo train.
When you come out
of Klink's office, that's it.
Yeah. What if you
get held up in there?
I'll tell him we have
a train to catch.
Colonel Hogan, does the
name General Von Platzen
mean anything to you?
Von Platzen...
Yeah, the Inspector General.
Inspector General of the
armies of the Third Reich.
Now, he is due to
arrive here any moment.
Here? Why wasn't I notified?
Why should you be?
Why shouldn't I be?
I, of course, have no anxiety.
Everything at Camp 13
is in perfect order, perfect.
Up till now, that's true.
But I am well aware,
Colonel Hogan,
there is nothing you and
your men would not do
to try to undermine
my position here,
even to have me replaced.
Replace you? Are you kidding?
We'd do anything
to keep you here.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
I am not a vain man,
so do not try flattery.
You would like someone
less strict, less vigilant,
less efficient, is that not so?
No, you suit us just fine.
Ah! My record is perfect.
In over 200 attempts, not
one successful escape...
but I warn you... during
this inspection visit,
I shall keep my eyes upon
you, so do not try anything.
Is that clear?
Sure, it's clear.
It just may be a little
too late, that's all.
What do you mean?
Herr Kommandant.
Did I ask for you,
Langenscheidt?
Kommandant Klink,
General Von Platzen
and his party are here.
Here? Where? How?
Just outside the building.
I gave strict instructions
I was to be notified
the moment they
came in the gate.
Now, I will find those
responsible and...
Did you say just
outside the building?
On their way in,
Herr Kommandant.
Every hair in place.
Out!
Oh, I'll wait here.
Out!
General Von Platzen,
Colonel Klink reporting, sir.
Colonel Klink, ja.
Things look very
good here, ja, ja, ja.
Very... very good indeed.
Thank you, Herr General.
May I present Colonel Hogan,
senior officer of the prisoners of war.
What? Who? Oh, ja, ja.
As long as you're
inspecting, sir,
I'd like to complain
about the food here.
Ah, you are confused, Ogan.
I am his inspector
general, not yours.
Yeah, well, it's Hogan, sir.
Under international law,
I could stay right
here and make a list.
If the prisoners do not
complain about the food,
then I know there
is something wrong.
You have passed
your first test, Klink.
Shall we go outside?
Well, by all means,
Herr General.
I will inspect your
personal staff later.
Come, Brogan.
Uh, Hogan, sir, and I
don't go outside much.
I have a chest condition.
Out! Out!
Out.
Raus, everybody, raus!
Yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes!
Everybody, raus!
Raus, everybody, raus!
Yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes!
Raus, everybody, raus!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, everybody, raus!
Raus, everybody!
Eins, zwei, drei, vier,
funf, sechs, sieben, acht,
neun...
B-l7's.
Barbarians!
Now they're bombing
prison camps!
It is our leader's fault.
He told us that German
soil would be sacred.
What am I saying?
I think it's a thunderstorm.
Any more firecrackers, Carter?
Yeah, one more.
Oh, person'd think there's
a war on, wouldn't they?
Hey, Schultz! Schultz!
I think we got a man missing.
Who cares?
It's all over. There's
been an escape.
It's Olsen, Schultz. He's gone!
Did you have to tell me?
I beg to report. A
prisoner is missing!
Sound the alarm!
Let loose the dogs!
Get on your feet, you cowards!
The truck with the dogs.
After them! Go!
What'd you do that for, Colonel?
It's a complicated war, Olsen.
Thanks.
Now, let us see
what we have here.
Explosions...
escapes...
cigars?
It is locked. Allow
me, Herr General.
Oh, ja, ja, ja.
So, you... you keep
them locked up?
It's a very interesting
trait of character, Klink.
They are... my little prisoners.
Excuse me, Herr
General, would you wish me
to take all this down?
As you wish.
Mainly, you just sit
there and look pretty.
Thanks, I will.
Not you.
Oh, sorry.
Do you have an
explanation for these, mm...
occurrences, Klink?
It is a plot to discredit
me, Herr General.
This man would do
anything to have me removed.
I have never trusted him. Never.
Well!
What steps have
you taken, Klink?
The escapee, Sergeant Olsen,
is in the cooler for 30 days.
The entire camp will be punished
by having their exercise
period canceled for three weeks.
The barracks are
being torn apart
in a search for
further explosive.
Further... This man
is an inhuman beast.
Ah... and your explanation,
Colonel Dugan?
Hogan.
For the boom-boom
and all of that?
A legitimate escape attempt
by men tortured beyond
the limit of their endurance.
Ah, so... a strange coincidence
that it should occur
during my visit.
To be honest with you, it was
a slip-up in our intelligence.
You were plotting against me.
And your... how would
you say it... your, um...
grandstand gesture
in stopping the escape,
from our side, of course,
very commendable.
Thank you.
From your side,
you would be a fink.
That's show business.
You see, Herr General, he
admits that it was play-acting.
Colonel Klink. Yes,
Herr Inspector General?
In Berlin, your record has
been under review for some time.
There have been
unfortunate occurrences, yes.
20 years in parade,
longer than any colonel
in the whole German Army.
Were I given my
Luftwaffe pilots back,
instead of having
to deal with men
like this!
20 years with an
efficiency rating
one degree above miserable...
until... you were put
in charge of Camp 13.
Herr Inspector General,
I take full responsibility
for the shameful
happenings here.
It is a stain upon my honor,
and I realize the Inspector
General has no other choice
but to relieve me of my post.
Klink, do you realize what has
been going on in other camps?
What is going on?
Wholesale escapes, breaks,
tunneling like gophers.
Only in Camp 13 have
there been no escapes.
You mean I'm to be retained?
No.
No?
No?
You're making a
big mistake, General.
Get off my side.
Colonel Klink, when I get back
to Berlin, I shall recommend
that you be transferred there,
and be put in charge...
of all prison camps.
You have finally
found your niche.
You can't do that!
Why not?
Congratulations, Klink.
And, of course, you will
bring along your personal staff.
Of course, Herr General.
Thank you, Herr General.
I am most gratified,
Herr General.
General?
Ja, Colonel, um...?
Fagin.
Ja, Colonel Hogan, might I say
that it was your hostility
and fear of Colonel Klink
that convinced me
he was our man.
Now, you wish to
make a statement?
I don't think so.
Sometimes, I just talk too much.
At ease.
All right, all
right, so I blew it.
If I told you once, I told
you a thousand times,
don't overdo it.
Don't oversell, right?
Then I went out and did it.
It's everybody's fault, Colonel.
We made him look too good.
Right.
Now we have to go the other way.
Make him look bad.
How hard can that be?
Blow up his headquarters?
No, no, think small.
Just enough to louse
up the promotion.
Set fire to his headquarters.
Think small.
Inspection party on the way,
Colonel... Von Platzen and Klink.
All right, look, we
don't have a chance
to plan this thing.
LeBeau, get down to
Tunnel Number Four.
Put Plan Alpha into action,
right next to the ventilator
in the barracks, right?
Now, remember we're going
to have to wing this
thing, so keep it small.
Right? Right.
Achtung! Attention!
Colonel Robert
Hogan, senior officer
of the prisoners of
war reporting, sir.
Ja, ja. We have met, I believe.
You may stand at
ease, gentlemen.
So, Colonel Klink, shall
we review your troops
for the final time?
For the final time,
Herr General.
Jawohl.
Jawohl.
Oh, oh, excuse me, sir.
You've got a bit of
a loose button there.
I notice these sort of
things in my line of work.
It's tailoring, you
know, sir. Tailoring.
I'll fix it up for
you right as rain.
Don't worry... Take
your hands off me!
Take your hands off him!
There's no call to
get huffy, governor.
Where's my monocle?
It seems to be in my
hand, Herr General.
Does your hand need a monocle?
I believe I have an
explanation for this, sir.
No, I haven't.
This is the overseas service
of the BBC with a...
What is this?
Herr General.
Schultz!
Where is that radio?
They didn't tell me.
Find it at once.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Hogan.
Hmm?
Where does that voice come from?
The evaluation of
yesterday's raid...
From the accent,
I'd say England.
So, a model camp, Klink.
Explosions for arriving
guests, a funny kommandant.
And now prisoners
tuned into the BBC?
Maybe you could get them
all weekend passes to London?
Hey, as a matter
of fact, General...
Silence!
General, I can assure
you, I will find that radio,
if Sergeant Schultz will have
to take the barracks apart
by tearing out each
nail with his teeth.
I hope so, Klink, for your sake.
Shall we go before they
decide to steal my wallet?
Nobody leaves the room.
I can assure you,
Herr General...
I am getting very shaky
from your assurances, Klink.
Search everybody.
Search!
Search the prisoners.
What are you doing?
Herr Kommandant,
sometimes they...
I assure you, Herr General, I...
I assure you, Klink,
pickpockets to be
running our prison camps,
we don't need.
Herr General, I...
Uh, by the way, Kommandant,
I haven't had a chance
to congratulate you
on your promotion.
They're headed in the
right direction, Colonel.
Figure about ten feet more, huh?
But everything else is in
perfect order, Herr General.
Everything else...
What is it?
A tunnel is what it is.
Get me out of here!
Herr General, I
do not understand.
Take your hand off my wallet!
Boy, you're a
shrewd one, General.
You discovered our tunnel.
So, you admit it.
I shall trace it back
to whatever
barracks it came from,
and the guilty men
will be put in the cooler
for at least six months.
As a matter of fact, sir, it
comes from your headquarters.
Just thought it
was easier that way.
So...
This camp, Klink, this
camp is a black page
in the glorious history
of the Third Reich,
which I shall report
when I get back to Berlin.
I certainly hope this
won't stand in the way
of your promotion, sir.
How you must hate me.
You did what to his staff car?
Oh, it'll still run, Colonel,
if you push it.
What made you think
of taking out the motor?
Well, you told us
to think big, Colonel.
Or was it small?
We even went too
far with the tunnel bit.
Now, what happens when
Von Platzen gets in the car?
We got the starter
wired to this little gadget...
I know that. What
happens to Klink?
Yeah, you got a
good point there.
All right, all right, this
is what we've got to do.
Carter, got into a
German uniform.
I need another German.
How about me?
Don't be funny.
LeBeau.
Newkirk, fix him
up with a uniform.
Kinch, get over
to the motor pool.
Requisition another
staff car. Right.
Carter, what made you
think of taking out the motor?
I guess because it was there.
Perhaps the inspector general
could spend another day,
just to see how
smooth things run here.
Another day here, and
I would order you shot.
Perhaps I could write a
letter to the inspector general.
I would first soak it
in water, then bury it.
Herr General.
Is there nothing I can do?
Pray.
Drive on.
Klink, you are
trying to kill me.
I could not be more fond of
you if you were my brother.
Schultz, see what it is.
M-M-Me?
Yes, you, now.
It is only a smoke bomb.
Good.
Any damage to the motor?
What motor?
I assure you, Herr General, I...
Klink, do you consider
yourself competent enough
to undertake the task
of arresting yourself?
Jawohl.
Arrest myself?
Only until I get back to Berlin.
Then I will have
professionals arrest you.
But I assure...
Do not assure me.
Order a staff car to
take me back to Berlin.
Schultz, a staff car.
Jawohl.
Uh, I think I see
one coming now.
Who asked you?
No one, it's just that
he may get luckier
with the next staff car.
What do you mean?
But I... Forget it.
I've changed my mind.
Have the car drive me
to the railroad station.
Usually, things run
very smooth here.
Drive on.
Well, looks like
you're one of us now.
The peculiar thing is,
I don't even hate you.
I feel somehow beyond that.
You're big, sir.
Very big.
Were I in your position, I
would've considered it my duty
to get rid of a
kommandant as hard,
as coldly efficient as I am.
The only thing is, you did it.
Colonel Klink...
But even now,
my career gone,
my life hanging by a thread,
I don't hate you.
Perhaps had we
met at another time,
another place, we might
have even become friends.
But it is all over now.
Colonel Klink, you've
read Napoleon, of course.
Naturally.
Napoleon?
Of course.
Uh, what did he say?
He said that the
commander who almost daily
commits his life and his
career to the fates of battle
will time and again
find himself in situations
where all seems lost.
Yes, yes.
But the commander who
will alter the course of history
will never lose faith in
a mysterious something
he thinks of as his
star, his destiny.
He will think of a miracle,
and his star will
carry him through.
Yes.
Uh, but what miracle could
possibly save me now?
Think that the
train will blow up.
The train will blow up?
Only if you believe.
And you'd better do it quick.
I believe.
Once again.
I believe.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
What was that?
Sounded like a train blowing up.
A train blowing up.
My star.
Either you got
it or you haven't.
You've got it.
Oh, hi, Schultz.
Colonel Hogan. Huh?
Colonel Hogan,
Herr Kommandant
demands that I find the radio
even if I have to take
apart the barracks,
nail by nail, with my teeth.
It's all right with us,
Schultz, Go ahead.
Oh, please, Colonel Hogan.
It would make
things so much easier
if you would find
the radio for me.
Any radio.
All right. Sounds
reasonable enough.
Kinch, help him out, will you?
Sure, Colonel.
Come on.
There you are. Take your choice.
Sheesh.
That will do. Oh.
And Colonel Hogan... Yeah?
Many thanks.
That'll be $26 American
money, Schultz.
What? $26?
It's only ten above cost.
You want us to make a profit.
Oh, you are
profiteering by the war.
Look at it this way...
It's tax deductible.
That's different.
Eins, zwei...
Drei, vier,
funf, sechs...