Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 3 - Kommandant of the Year - full transcript
Hogan concocts a Kommandant of the Year award to distract Klink so a new Nazi rocket being stored protectively at Stalag 13 can be sabotaged.
CBS presents this
program in color.
Zuruck to the Barracken.
Don't you know no
one is allowed outside
after roll call?
Schultz, I was
just going into town
to get some beer.
Now, I'd have been
back by, say, June.
July at the latest.
Wise guy.
You could have been shot
and-and-and everything.
Yeah, yeah, and everything.
Ja, ja.
What's the matter, Carter.
Having trouble
with our genial host?
Colonel, they just brought
something big in
camp, and the goons
are all worked up about it.
Goons?
Nothing personal, Schultz.
Jolly joker.
Something big, huh?
Let's have a look.
Anybody order a piano by mail?
Number three torpedo ready, sir.
Got enough guards
around, it must be important.
Ah. That is bigger than a piano.
It's even bigger
than a breadbox.
Maybe it's some kind
of a new secret weapon.
Now, why did they
bring it in here?
Well, they know it's safe.
The Allies won't bomb
a prisoner-of-war camp.
No, you see, that
wouldn't be cricket.
Hey, gang, what about if we
find out what it is,
and if it's important enough,
we get London to bomb the camp?
That would be great.
Carter...
Out.
Schultz says I might get shot.
That's right.
These orders of
General Burkhalter
place Stalag 13 and my command
at your disposal.
Yes, Herr Colonel.
Major Hauser, may I inquire
what your mission is?
It is top secret, sir,
and, uh... before telling you,
I want your assurance
of absolute security.
You have it, sir.
This very office
is more secure than any room
in the headquarters
of the fuhrer himself.
So, I can assure
you, Major Hauser,
you may speak with
absolute security.
Your secret will not
go beyond these walls.
Thank you, Colonel.
Turn the volume
up, Kinch, will you?
I can't. Somebody's been
using this thing to make coffee.
Don't you guys know a coffeepot
from an amplifier?
Shh. Listen.
The equipment
you refer to, Colonel,
is a new type V-bomb,
fully armed with a
highly volatile explosive.
I have been ordered
to bring it to the coast,
obviously for use in
targets against England.
That's fantastic.
: Fantastic, Major.
You sure this is a one-way tap?
The bomb is to remain here
for two days until the new
launching pad is ready.
I can assure you,
sir, it's absolutely safe.
Thank you for your
cooperation, Colonel.
I shall mention you in my report
to General Burkhalter in Berlin.
No, that won't be necessary,
but, uh... just in case,
my name is spelled with a "K."
What a hambone.
A V-bomb, huh?
Kinch, let's get
down to the tunnel
and call a submarine.
Hello, Mama Bear.
Hello, Mama Bear...
This is Goldilocks.
Hello, Mama Bear.
Come in, Goldilocks,
This is Mama Bear.
Little Miss Muffet
has a big new tuffet
that goes boom.
Little Miss Muffet
moving tuffet 48 hours.
Goldilocks requesting
permission to make tuffet
go boom before move. Over.
Hands off Miss Muffet's
tuffet, Goldilocks.
Stand by for our next
installment, 12 hours.
Over and out.
You mean we got to wait
12 hours to blow that thing up?
What's the matter,
Kinch you double parked?
We couldn't get
near it, Colonel.
We never had a chance.
They guard it like the
ruddy Bank of England.
Maybe we could
tunnel up to it, Colonel.
If we could take a
turn in Tunnel Three
and we come up
through our wine cellar...
Are you mad?
Disturb that wine
we just put in there?
Chateau Lafitte must
have rest in the beginning.
Americans. Hot dogs. Beer.
All right, all
right, knock it off.
Colonel, the sub just sent this.
Thanks, Kinch.
They're sending
a team, four men.
They'll be dropped
tonight at point M-l4
at approximately 2100 hours.
Three commandos
and a Dr. Schneider.
A doctor?
Scientist.
Sub says he needs a
minimum of ten minutes
alone with the
rocket to look it over
and take pictures of it.
Well, just how do we
get four men in here, Colonel?
It would be easier to send them
the bleeding bomb
by parcel post.
Four men, huh?
They've really
tightened up on security.
What's Klink trying
to prove, anyway?
He's trying to show
that major from Berlin
how tough he can be.
All right, so he's tough.
He deserves a prize.
Wait a minute.
Wait one minute.
We'll give him a prize.
How about something
nice, like a broken leg?
May I assist?
No, no prize, a medal.
Colonel Klink is going to
be Kommandant of the Year.
Stalag 13 is going
to be in the top ten,
prison camp-wise, that is.
Just the diversion we want.
We need a medal.
What are the boys in
the iron shop doing?
Making hand-grenade
paperweights.
Every third one is live.
Gestapo men all over Germany
are getting a real
bang out of their mail.
Forget about the paperweights.
We need an ornate
medal... A... a German eagle
clutching a prisoner
of war by the throat.
But friendly.
Get 'em to work on it. Okay.
We also need a scroll.
Make it nice and big and fancy,
curlicues and stuff.
Make it baroque.
You mean like cupids.
Why not?
Cupids never hurt anybody.
Okay, cupids.
Kinch, make
contact with the sub.
Confirm the drop point.
Right-o.
Lebeau, tell the print shop
we need some orders
from Burkhalter to Klink.
Orders? Now, how are we
going to get them to Klink?
A magician like Newkirk?
He could pick your pockets
wearing boxing gloves.
I've been that way
since birth, you know.
By the way, is this your coin?
Give me that.
I found it a little earlier.
There you are, mate.
I'm sorry about that.
You are a...
I'm too small. I didn't
see him. I couldn't help it.
Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan
requests permission to see you.
Later, Schultz. I have
no time for him now.
Herr Kommandant,
Colonel Hogan requested me
to tell you it is urgent.
Really?
Tell me, Schultz,
which Colonel is running
this camp, Hogan or me?
I sometimes wonder.
Me, too, Herr Komman...
I am the Colonel who
will sign your transfer
for the Russian front.
Boy, are you running the camp.
Send him in.
Colonel Hogan, I
am very busy today...
Dispatches from
Berlin. What is it?
I'm here to make a complaint
on behalf of my men.
Oh, a complaint.
Not sufficient
entertainment, perhaps?
No, you're funny enough.
Or the food you take
from German mouths.
I suppose you will prefer
some wine or some caviar?
Matter of fact, I'm
very fond of caviar.
I don't want to have
you go to any trouble,
but if you should happen
to be near a post office
when they transfer you
to the Russian front...
Who said I was going
to the Russian front?
You heard something, Hogan?
I hear lots of things.
Like my men complaining
about that thing sitting
out there on the truck,
containing highly
volatile explosives.
That, Colonel, is
none of your business.
Well, according to the Geneva
Prisoner of War Convention,
"Prisoners of war shall not be
subjected to unusual danger."
Page five, Chapter
three, Section four.
I will decide what
is dangerous and
what is not dangerous
at Stalag 13.
Colonel Hogan,
I'm a very busy man.
You're dismissed.
Yes, sir.
Hogan, wait.
I can't believe it.
A dispatch from
General Burkhalter.
I have been named
Kommandant of the Year.
Kommandant of the Year!
Ja.
And Stalag 13 will
be among the top ten
prisoner-of-war camps
in all of Germany.
I didn't know they took a poll.
Nobody asked me.
Congratulations, sir.
Danke.
A Colonel Schneider
and his staff
will be awarding a
medal and a scroll.
A scroll. That's pretty fancy.
Probably even have cupids on it.
Schneider. Colonel Schneider.
I don't know any Schneider
on Burkhalter's staff.
Oh, Germany's just
crawling with Schneiders.
Very common name.
Yes, I know, but...
I once knew a George
Schneider in Chicago.
He was a butcher.
Had a thumb that
weighed a pound and half.
Wilhelm Klink,
Kommandant of the Year.
Has a good,
nasty ring to it, sir.
And why not?
I worked hard to get this.
I deserve it.
Stalag 13 should
be in the top ten.
Colonel Schneider
will arrive tomorrow.
A formation of the command...
Sir, request permission
for the prisoners to parade?
Granted.
After all, you
belong to us, too.
Just a simple ceremony,
presentation of the awards,
and then back to the routine
that made us famous
here at Stalag 13.
After your acceptance
speech, of course.
Acceptance speech?
Oh, nothing elaborate.
Just a half an hour, 40 minutes.
Just the essentials.
But I'd leave out
the ugly incident
with the Munich
police, if I were you.
They never pressed changes.
I'm a soldier, not a politician.
I will not talk for 30 minutes.
20.
Split the difference.
Talk for ten minutes,
just the highlights.
Do you really feel
it's necessary?
Don't you, General Klink?
I know what you mean.
Colonel Hogan, this
is against regulations,
but would you care for a
little schnapps in celebration?
Thanks.
And what does it say in your
little Geneva book about that?
Well, let's see.
Schnapps?
Here it is, page five,
Chapter four, Section one.
"Only the good stuff."
All right, you got everything?
Map, walkie-talkie.
Oui, Colonel.
All right, what's the
identification code?
Hello, I am the Big, Bad Wolf.
And they must answer, "We
are Little Red Riding Hood."
It's terrible. No imagination.
If you wanted to be a writer,
go into Special Services.
All right, hurry it
up and be careful
and good luck.
Big Bad Wolf calling
Red Riding Hood.
Need your position. Come in.
Come in, Red.
Hey, Red Riding Hood,
stop fooling around.
I'm waiting at M-14.
Where are you?
Goldilocks to Big Bad Wolf,
what's the problem, Wolf?
Can't find Little
Red Riding Hood,
not at M-14. Need help.
Carter, tell Schultz one
of our men is missing.
Went over the wire.
Right, Colonel.
Hey, Schultz!
Schultz!
Schultz, come here.
Schultz, the Colonel
just took count.
There's a man missing.
He went over the wire.
Not so loud. You are
waking everybody up.
I thought you might
want the credit.
Oh, yeah. Danke.
Achtung! Achtung!
Prisoner went over the wire!
Report made by Sergeant Schultz,
serial number
zwei, sieben, ach...
What took you so long?
Ecoutez-moi.
Commandos... four parachutes.
Comprenez?
Okay, find them.
Find them! Commandos!
Ah, come on, you call
yourselves guard dogs
and you can't find
four lousy commandos?
I'm ashamed of you.
Little Red Riding Hood
calling Big Bad Wolf.
Come in, Big Bad Wolf.
Come in.
Any luck?
No, it's dead.
Perhaps you can do
something with it, Dr. Schneider?
No, no, no. We didn't use
walkie-talkies at Cal Tech.
Somebody's coming.
Dr. Schneider, I presume.
Don't move, you're covered.
I know it's hard to believe,
but I'm the Big Bad Wolf.
Little Red Riding Hood.
I suppose that's rather
hard to believe, too.
I'm Corporal Lebeau, Stalag 13.
How do you do?
What happened?
The wind blew our
chutes away from M-14
and the radio got smashed.
Write down what I tell you.
Oh, may I see you a
little closer, please?
Stand natural, please.
No, hands at your side.
Thank you.
15½.
15½.
What's that for?
German uniforms.
You're going into Stalag
13 tomorrow in a staff car.
32½.
32½.
You like a belt or suspenders?
Suspenders.
Figured.
41½.
41½.
Kamerad! Kamerad!
Nicht schiessen!
Come on. Start barking.
You want them to
think you're pussy cats?
Colonel Schneider?
I'm Colonel Klink.
It is a great honor
and privilege
to welcome you to Stalag 13.
Danke Schoen, Klink.
My officers: Captain Hockenburg,
Lieutenant Brauer,
Lieutenant Smith... berg.
Gentlemen, perhaps
a little refreshment
before the ceremony, hmm?
Jawohl. Excellent.
So far, so good.
Oui, but I wish
we had more time.
Why?
Schneider's uniform needs
a little work around the collar.
On behalf of General Burkhalter
and the Supreme Command,
it is my pleasurable duty
to award you, Wilhelm Klink,
this medal as
Kommandant of the Year.
In addition, Colonel
Klink, it is my privilege
to award you this scroll,
designating your
command, Stalag 13,
as one of the top ten
camps in all Germany.
Speech! Speech! Speech!
Bravo! Bravo!
Bravo! Bravo!
As I look upon the sea of
smiling faces before me,
I'm reminded of a story...
Once upon a time,
there was a little boy
who lived in his home
town of Dusseldorf.
He was a handsome
boy, well liked
by his fellow students
at the gymnasium,
but he had one little problem...
He was not a very good student.
He could not pass his
examination for the law,
for medicine,
not even for bookkeeping.
So, one day, his father
said to this little boy,
"Son," he said, "you are
obviously good for nothing else,
so why don't you join the army?"
Friends and enemies.
Where are you going?
Just going to see the rocket.
Oh, how nice. What?
I'll be right back
in just a minute.
I see nothing! Nothing!
He came to see me
play my first soccer game.
By the end of the
half, it was evident...
Hogan.
Oh, Colonel Hogan.
Schneider?
You put it right there, and
when the bomb explodes,
the concussion
will fire the rocket.
It is teamwork
that wins the war.
We've only got a
couple of minutes.
Make it quick, huh?
Right.
And so I want to thank
each and every one of you
for your cooperation,
and I hope that in the future
we may continue
to work together.
More! More! More!
Good?
You're a smash!
Give 'em a little bit more,
as long as you
got 'em warmed up.
Tell 'em about the
time you stole the girl
away from Goering at that party.
Come on.
It's going over with a bang.
One night my good friend
Field Marshal Goering
brought a lovely
fraulein to our officers...
Oh, Major Hauser.
I-I-I was just admiring
your rocket here.
I worked on the original model.
At the end of the evening,
she even asked me...
Klink is a fine officer, but
hardly a great speechmaker.
My feelings exactly.
Allow me to show you my baby.
Oh, some other time, Major.
It will only take one minute.
That's all we have.
In closing, I am reminded
of another little story
which might be
appropriate at this occasion.
It happened in 1938...
Actually, sir, the new type
has many built-in safeguards
against accidental firing.
This device here, for example,
you cannot turn it
to the alert position
unless all systems
are in working order.
Here, let me show you.
As though nothing had happened,
and we returned
safely to the base.
I can even press the firing
button with complete safety.
What happened?
I think one of your
rockets is missing.
Colonel, it is a catastrophe!
It is a catastrophe, Colonel!
This is a catastrophe!
My medal is missing!
Don't worry, Colonel.
We'll make you a new one.
The entire reputation of
Stalag 13 is destroyed.
Colonel Schneider
is on his way to Berlin.
He will report to
General Burkhalter,
Major Hauser will
confirm the report.
Ah, all is lost.
Oh, cheer up. You still have me.
Herr Kommandant!
Not now, Schultz.
The Russian front
at this time of year.
I'm catching cold already.
It's very important.
I said not now, Schultz.
Look, you could always say
the rocket was aimed at England.
Major Hauser got a little loaded
and pushed the button.
Do you think a board of
inquiry is going to believe...?
They might, they just might,
it's such an impossible lie.
That's the best kind.
Thank you for your
suggestion, Colonel Hogan.
What are you doing here?
I never went away,
Herr Kommandant.
This is from Berlin.
It is very hot!
I told them not to bother
me with these things.
No! You said aimed
at England, huh?
Mm-hmm.
For your information,
half of the airfield of
Hamburg is missing.
Destroyed.
I must see Major Hauser at once!
Maybe he has a
better lie than yours.
Another day, another rocket.
You said England.
They made a big hole in Hamburg.
Naughty, naughty.
What could I do, Schultz?
My aim is terrible
when I'm in a hurry.
program in color.
Zuruck to the Barracken.
Don't you know no
one is allowed outside
after roll call?
Schultz, I was
just going into town
to get some beer.
Now, I'd have been
back by, say, June.
July at the latest.
Wise guy.
You could have been shot
and-and-and everything.
Yeah, yeah, and everything.
Ja, ja.
What's the matter, Carter.
Having trouble
with our genial host?
Colonel, they just brought
something big in
camp, and the goons
are all worked up about it.
Goons?
Nothing personal, Schultz.
Jolly joker.
Something big, huh?
Let's have a look.
Anybody order a piano by mail?
Number three torpedo ready, sir.
Got enough guards
around, it must be important.
Ah. That is bigger than a piano.
It's even bigger
than a breadbox.
Maybe it's some kind
of a new secret weapon.
Now, why did they
bring it in here?
Well, they know it's safe.
The Allies won't bomb
a prisoner-of-war camp.
No, you see, that
wouldn't be cricket.
Hey, gang, what about if we
find out what it is,
and if it's important enough,
we get London to bomb the camp?
That would be great.
Carter...
Out.
Schultz says I might get shot.
That's right.
These orders of
General Burkhalter
place Stalag 13 and my command
at your disposal.
Yes, Herr Colonel.
Major Hauser, may I inquire
what your mission is?
It is top secret, sir,
and, uh... before telling you,
I want your assurance
of absolute security.
You have it, sir.
This very office
is more secure than any room
in the headquarters
of the fuhrer himself.
So, I can assure
you, Major Hauser,
you may speak with
absolute security.
Your secret will not
go beyond these walls.
Thank you, Colonel.
Turn the volume
up, Kinch, will you?
I can't. Somebody's been
using this thing to make coffee.
Don't you guys know a coffeepot
from an amplifier?
Shh. Listen.
The equipment
you refer to, Colonel,
is a new type V-bomb,
fully armed with a
highly volatile explosive.
I have been ordered
to bring it to the coast,
obviously for use in
targets against England.
That's fantastic.
: Fantastic, Major.
You sure this is a one-way tap?
The bomb is to remain here
for two days until the new
launching pad is ready.
I can assure you,
sir, it's absolutely safe.
Thank you for your
cooperation, Colonel.
I shall mention you in my report
to General Burkhalter in Berlin.
No, that won't be necessary,
but, uh... just in case,
my name is spelled with a "K."
What a hambone.
A V-bomb, huh?
Kinch, let's get
down to the tunnel
and call a submarine.
Hello, Mama Bear.
Hello, Mama Bear...
This is Goldilocks.
Hello, Mama Bear.
Come in, Goldilocks,
This is Mama Bear.
Little Miss Muffet
has a big new tuffet
that goes boom.
Little Miss Muffet
moving tuffet 48 hours.
Goldilocks requesting
permission to make tuffet
go boom before move. Over.
Hands off Miss Muffet's
tuffet, Goldilocks.
Stand by for our next
installment, 12 hours.
Over and out.
You mean we got to wait
12 hours to blow that thing up?
What's the matter,
Kinch you double parked?
We couldn't get
near it, Colonel.
We never had a chance.
They guard it like the
ruddy Bank of England.
Maybe we could
tunnel up to it, Colonel.
If we could take a
turn in Tunnel Three
and we come up
through our wine cellar...
Are you mad?
Disturb that wine
we just put in there?
Chateau Lafitte must
have rest in the beginning.
Americans. Hot dogs. Beer.
All right, all
right, knock it off.
Colonel, the sub just sent this.
Thanks, Kinch.
They're sending
a team, four men.
They'll be dropped
tonight at point M-l4
at approximately 2100 hours.
Three commandos
and a Dr. Schneider.
A doctor?
Scientist.
Sub says he needs a
minimum of ten minutes
alone with the
rocket to look it over
and take pictures of it.
Well, just how do we
get four men in here, Colonel?
It would be easier to send them
the bleeding bomb
by parcel post.
Four men, huh?
They've really
tightened up on security.
What's Klink trying
to prove, anyway?
He's trying to show
that major from Berlin
how tough he can be.
All right, so he's tough.
He deserves a prize.
Wait a minute.
Wait one minute.
We'll give him a prize.
How about something
nice, like a broken leg?
May I assist?
No, no prize, a medal.
Colonel Klink is going to
be Kommandant of the Year.
Stalag 13 is going
to be in the top ten,
prison camp-wise, that is.
Just the diversion we want.
We need a medal.
What are the boys in
the iron shop doing?
Making hand-grenade
paperweights.
Every third one is live.
Gestapo men all over Germany
are getting a real
bang out of their mail.
Forget about the paperweights.
We need an ornate
medal... A... a German eagle
clutching a prisoner
of war by the throat.
But friendly.
Get 'em to work on it. Okay.
We also need a scroll.
Make it nice and big and fancy,
curlicues and stuff.
Make it baroque.
You mean like cupids.
Why not?
Cupids never hurt anybody.
Okay, cupids.
Kinch, make
contact with the sub.
Confirm the drop point.
Right-o.
Lebeau, tell the print shop
we need some orders
from Burkhalter to Klink.
Orders? Now, how are we
going to get them to Klink?
A magician like Newkirk?
He could pick your pockets
wearing boxing gloves.
I've been that way
since birth, you know.
By the way, is this your coin?
Give me that.
I found it a little earlier.
There you are, mate.
I'm sorry about that.
You are a...
I'm too small. I didn't
see him. I couldn't help it.
Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan
requests permission to see you.
Later, Schultz. I have
no time for him now.
Herr Kommandant,
Colonel Hogan requested me
to tell you it is urgent.
Really?
Tell me, Schultz,
which Colonel is running
this camp, Hogan or me?
I sometimes wonder.
Me, too, Herr Komman...
I am the Colonel who
will sign your transfer
for the Russian front.
Boy, are you running the camp.
Send him in.
Colonel Hogan, I
am very busy today...
Dispatches from
Berlin. What is it?
I'm here to make a complaint
on behalf of my men.
Oh, a complaint.
Not sufficient
entertainment, perhaps?
No, you're funny enough.
Or the food you take
from German mouths.
I suppose you will prefer
some wine or some caviar?
Matter of fact, I'm
very fond of caviar.
I don't want to have
you go to any trouble,
but if you should happen
to be near a post office
when they transfer you
to the Russian front...
Who said I was going
to the Russian front?
You heard something, Hogan?
I hear lots of things.
Like my men complaining
about that thing sitting
out there on the truck,
containing highly
volatile explosives.
That, Colonel, is
none of your business.
Well, according to the Geneva
Prisoner of War Convention,
"Prisoners of war shall not be
subjected to unusual danger."
Page five, Chapter
three, Section four.
I will decide what
is dangerous and
what is not dangerous
at Stalag 13.
Colonel Hogan,
I'm a very busy man.
You're dismissed.
Yes, sir.
Hogan, wait.
I can't believe it.
A dispatch from
General Burkhalter.
I have been named
Kommandant of the Year.
Kommandant of the Year!
Ja.
And Stalag 13 will
be among the top ten
prisoner-of-war camps
in all of Germany.
I didn't know they took a poll.
Nobody asked me.
Congratulations, sir.
Danke.
A Colonel Schneider
and his staff
will be awarding a
medal and a scroll.
A scroll. That's pretty fancy.
Probably even have cupids on it.
Schneider. Colonel Schneider.
I don't know any Schneider
on Burkhalter's staff.
Oh, Germany's just
crawling with Schneiders.
Very common name.
Yes, I know, but...
I once knew a George
Schneider in Chicago.
He was a butcher.
Had a thumb that
weighed a pound and half.
Wilhelm Klink,
Kommandant of the Year.
Has a good,
nasty ring to it, sir.
And why not?
I worked hard to get this.
I deserve it.
Stalag 13 should
be in the top ten.
Colonel Schneider
will arrive tomorrow.
A formation of the command...
Sir, request permission
for the prisoners to parade?
Granted.
After all, you
belong to us, too.
Just a simple ceremony,
presentation of the awards,
and then back to the routine
that made us famous
here at Stalag 13.
After your acceptance
speech, of course.
Acceptance speech?
Oh, nothing elaborate.
Just a half an hour, 40 minutes.
Just the essentials.
But I'd leave out
the ugly incident
with the Munich
police, if I were you.
They never pressed changes.
I'm a soldier, not a politician.
I will not talk for 30 minutes.
20.
Split the difference.
Talk for ten minutes,
just the highlights.
Do you really feel
it's necessary?
Don't you, General Klink?
I know what you mean.
Colonel Hogan, this
is against regulations,
but would you care for a
little schnapps in celebration?
Thanks.
And what does it say in your
little Geneva book about that?
Well, let's see.
Schnapps?
Here it is, page five,
Chapter four, Section one.
"Only the good stuff."
All right, you got everything?
Map, walkie-talkie.
Oui, Colonel.
All right, what's the
identification code?
Hello, I am the Big, Bad Wolf.
And they must answer, "We
are Little Red Riding Hood."
It's terrible. No imagination.
If you wanted to be a writer,
go into Special Services.
All right, hurry it
up and be careful
and good luck.
Big Bad Wolf calling
Red Riding Hood.
Need your position. Come in.
Come in, Red.
Hey, Red Riding Hood,
stop fooling around.
I'm waiting at M-14.
Where are you?
Goldilocks to Big Bad Wolf,
what's the problem, Wolf?
Can't find Little
Red Riding Hood,
not at M-14. Need help.
Carter, tell Schultz one
of our men is missing.
Went over the wire.
Right, Colonel.
Hey, Schultz!
Schultz!
Schultz, come here.
Schultz, the Colonel
just took count.
There's a man missing.
He went over the wire.
Not so loud. You are
waking everybody up.
I thought you might
want the credit.
Oh, yeah. Danke.
Achtung! Achtung!
Prisoner went over the wire!
Report made by Sergeant Schultz,
serial number
zwei, sieben, ach...
What took you so long?
Ecoutez-moi.
Commandos... four parachutes.
Comprenez?
Okay, find them.
Find them! Commandos!
Ah, come on, you call
yourselves guard dogs
and you can't find
four lousy commandos?
I'm ashamed of you.
Little Red Riding Hood
calling Big Bad Wolf.
Come in, Big Bad Wolf.
Come in.
Any luck?
No, it's dead.
Perhaps you can do
something with it, Dr. Schneider?
No, no, no. We didn't use
walkie-talkies at Cal Tech.
Somebody's coming.
Dr. Schneider, I presume.
Don't move, you're covered.
I know it's hard to believe,
but I'm the Big Bad Wolf.
Little Red Riding Hood.
I suppose that's rather
hard to believe, too.
I'm Corporal Lebeau, Stalag 13.
How do you do?
What happened?
The wind blew our
chutes away from M-14
and the radio got smashed.
Write down what I tell you.
Oh, may I see you a
little closer, please?
Stand natural, please.
No, hands at your side.
Thank you.
15½.
15½.
What's that for?
German uniforms.
You're going into Stalag
13 tomorrow in a staff car.
32½.
32½.
You like a belt or suspenders?
Suspenders.
Figured.
41½.
41½.
Kamerad! Kamerad!
Nicht schiessen!
Come on. Start barking.
You want them to
think you're pussy cats?
Colonel Schneider?
I'm Colonel Klink.
It is a great honor
and privilege
to welcome you to Stalag 13.
Danke Schoen, Klink.
My officers: Captain Hockenburg,
Lieutenant Brauer,
Lieutenant Smith... berg.
Gentlemen, perhaps
a little refreshment
before the ceremony, hmm?
Jawohl. Excellent.
So far, so good.
Oui, but I wish
we had more time.
Why?
Schneider's uniform needs
a little work around the collar.
On behalf of General Burkhalter
and the Supreme Command,
it is my pleasurable duty
to award you, Wilhelm Klink,
this medal as
Kommandant of the Year.
In addition, Colonel
Klink, it is my privilege
to award you this scroll,
designating your
command, Stalag 13,
as one of the top ten
camps in all Germany.
Speech! Speech! Speech!
Bravo! Bravo!
Bravo! Bravo!
As I look upon the sea of
smiling faces before me,
I'm reminded of a story...
Once upon a time,
there was a little boy
who lived in his home
town of Dusseldorf.
He was a handsome
boy, well liked
by his fellow students
at the gymnasium,
but he had one little problem...
He was not a very good student.
He could not pass his
examination for the law,
for medicine,
not even for bookkeeping.
So, one day, his father
said to this little boy,
"Son," he said, "you are
obviously good for nothing else,
so why don't you join the army?"
Friends and enemies.
Where are you going?
Just going to see the rocket.
Oh, how nice. What?
I'll be right back
in just a minute.
I see nothing! Nothing!
He came to see me
play my first soccer game.
By the end of the
half, it was evident...
Hogan.
Oh, Colonel Hogan.
Schneider?
You put it right there, and
when the bomb explodes,
the concussion
will fire the rocket.
It is teamwork
that wins the war.
We've only got a
couple of minutes.
Make it quick, huh?
Right.
And so I want to thank
each and every one of you
for your cooperation,
and I hope that in the future
we may continue
to work together.
More! More! More!
Good?
You're a smash!
Give 'em a little bit more,
as long as you
got 'em warmed up.
Tell 'em about the
time you stole the girl
away from Goering at that party.
Come on.
It's going over with a bang.
One night my good friend
Field Marshal Goering
brought a lovely
fraulein to our officers...
Oh, Major Hauser.
I-I-I was just admiring
your rocket here.
I worked on the original model.
At the end of the evening,
she even asked me...
Klink is a fine officer, but
hardly a great speechmaker.
My feelings exactly.
Allow me to show you my baby.
Oh, some other time, Major.
It will only take one minute.
That's all we have.
In closing, I am reminded
of another little story
which might be
appropriate at this occasion.
It happened in 1938...
Actually, sir, the new type
has many built-in safeguards
against accidental firing.
This device here, for example,
you cannot turn it
to the alert position
unless all systems
are in working order.
Here, let me show you.
As though nothing had happened,
and we returned
safely to the base.
I can even press the firing
button with complete safety.
What happened?
I think one of your
rockets is missing.
Colonel, it is a catastrophe!
It is a catastrophe, Colonel!
This is a catastrophe!
My medal is missing!
Don't worry, Colonel.
We'll make you a new one.
The entire reputation of
Stalag 13 is destroyed.
Colonel Schneider
is on his way to Berlin.
He will report to
General Burkhalter,
Major Hauser will
confirm the report.
Ah, all is lost.
Oh, cheer up. You still have me.
Herr Kommandant!
Not now, Schultz.
The Russian front
at this time of year.
I'm catching cold already.
It's very important.
I said not now, Schultz.
Look, you could always say
the rocket was aimed at England.
Major Hauser got a little loaded
and pushed the button.
Do you think a board of
inquiry is going to believe...?
They might, they just might,
it's such an impossible lie.
That's the best kind.
Thank you for your
suggestion, Colonel Hogan.
What are you doing here?
I never went away,
Herr Kommandant.
This is from Berlin.
It is very hot!
I told them not to bother
me with these things.
No! You said aimed
at England, huh?
Mm-hmm.
For your information,
half of the airfield of
Hamburg is missing.
Destroyed.
I must see Major Hauser at once!
Maybe he has a
better lie than yours.
Another day, another rocket.
You said England.
They made a big hole in Hamburg.
Naughty, naughty.
What could I do, Schultz?
My aim is terrible
when I'm in a hurry.