Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 2 - Hold That Tiger - full transcript
Learning that the German army is manufacturing an improved Tiger tank, Hogan and his men are determined to steal one, so they can disassemble it and make blueprints for the Allies.
CBS presents this
program in color.
Prisoners.
From time to time
as Kommandant of Stalag
13, out of my own free will,
I bring you news of the war
of which you are
no longer a part.
Things continue to go well
for the all-victorious
Third Reich.
Yes, I know, you
would wish it otherwise,
but it is necessary for
you to look at the facts.
New and powerful weapons
continue to pour
from our factories.
I have just returned from
a nearby Panzer division
completely equipped with
the new and secret Tiger tanks,
which will crush all resistance
like eggshells.
The Allies would love
to get their hands
on one, believe me.
However, you as prisoners
must look upon this new weapon
of the invincible Third Reich
as another guarantee that
soon the war will be over.
Dismissed.
Colonel Klink.
Yes, Colonel Hogan?
Uh, this Panzer division
with the new Tiger tanks,
aren't they just west of here?
North.
Uh, what's that to you?
Just asking.
Steal a German tank?
We'll give it back.
After we take it apart
and make blueprints of it.
Well, how do we
get a hold of it.
How do we get it in here?
Where are we
going to hide a tank?
Where do we take it apart?
Look, I got the idea
of stealing it, right?
The rest is detail.
Guard coming.
Okay, fellas, knock it off.
Get that ladder
out of here, huh?
As you were, it's only Schultz.
Okay, get back to work.
Make it fast, not much time.
What? What is? What? What?
What's this? What? What is what?
Remodeling, Schultz.
We're going to
take out that wall
and put in a picture window.
That'll give us a sweeping vista
to the delousing station.
Then we're going
to replace this stuff
with some Danish modern.
What would you
think of Provincial?
Please, Colonel Hogan!
Schultz, how else
do we get the tank in?
Uh, the tank? Tank? Tank? Tank?
So we can take it apart.
Oh, no. I don't see anything.
I hear nothing, nothing.
Sergeant!
What is Ihr Namen?
Schultz, Herr Leutnant.
I have uncovered a plot to...
And that is why you hear nothing
and you see nothing?
Herr Leutnant, this
is a speech problem.
I sometimes speak.
I say things I do
not know what I say.
He's right, Lieutenant Newkirk.
I urge leniency for this man
on the grounds of
general incompetence.
That's right, Herr
Leutnant Newkirk.
Why sometimes
my wife even says...
Newkirk?
How'd you like me accent?
It was great.
LeBeau, you want
to put some padding
in those shoulders
there, please?
Right, sir.
All right.
What a relief.
If the Gestapo would uncover
what's going on around here...
Colonel Hogan?
Hmm?
What is he doing in the uniform?
Colonel Hogan, please!
Oh, you went too far.
I must report this.
It would be worth my
life if I do not report this.
It's only until tomorrow,
and then he's going
to take it off again.
Ah...
After he steals the tank.
Oh!
From the Panzer division.
Oh!
And brings it here
into the barracks.
Oh! I see nothing.
I was not here.
I did not even get
up this morning!
Herr Kommandant,
Colonel Hogan is here.
Very good taste you
have in furnishings, sir.
Yes, yes, yes. What
is it, Colonel Hogan?
I'm very busy.
Paperwork from Berlin.
No one has any idea.
Oh, I sympathize.
However, I must protest
as a violation of the
Geneva Convention,
the private interrogation of
my men by a Gestapo officer.
Nonsense!
There's no Gestapo officer here.
Dismissed.
Most likely an impostor.
A Gestapo officer here?
What is he asking about?
Nothing important.
Just wanted to know
if we ever heard you
say anything about...
the usual Gestapo stuff.
About what? About what?
I'm completely loyal.
They know that in Berlin.
Oh, sure, but you
know how they are.
What did your men tell him?
Did they tell him the truth?
I cannot be disturbed!
What did they tell him?
Come in.
Langenscheidt, are
you hard of hearing,
or do you need
a trip to the front
to sharpen your senses?
The main gate is calling,
begging the Kommandant's pardon.
A Gestapo Leutnant is there.
Tell him nothing!
What does he want?
To leave, Herr Kommandant.
He has a pass, but they
have no record of him entering.
What do I care?
If he wants out, let him out.
The sooner the better. Dummkopf.
Yes, Herr Kommandant.
Certainly, Herr Kommandant.
Right away, Herr Kommandant.
Nasty lot, that Himmler crowd.
Newkirk then enters
with the Tiger tank to here.
LeBeau, you go
through the fence here
to rendezvous with the agent,
who will later carry
out the blueprints,
rendezvous point being up here.
Usual procedure, Colonel?
Usual procedure.
You change clothes
with the agent,
who then, posing as you,
will be captured by the guards.
Incidentally, Kinch
has made radio contact
with the people
sending the agent.
Code name Tiger.
Part of Operation Tiger.
Right.
35 seconds after Newkirk enters,
the alarm will be sounded
for your escape, LeBeau,
and under cover of the search,
Newkirk will bring the
tank around to here.
Roll call, Colonel.
31 seconds early.
Why can't these Germans
learn to be methodical?
All right, let's go.
Raus!
Everybody raus.
Roll call, everybody
raus, raus, raus, raus, raus.
Mach schnell. Everybody raus.
Mach schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell, shnell.
Everybody raus. Everybody raus.
Every...
Ah, beautiful evening,
isn't it, Schultz?
Eins, Zwei, Drei, Vier, Funf,
Sechs, Sieben,
Acht, Neun, Zehn...
Elf is next. Eleven, Schultz.
I know how to count.
So many of the younger guards...
I think it's the
way they're taught.
Zwolf, Dreizehn, Vierzehn...
Report!
How can I make a report
when number 15 is missing?
Look at the bright side:
14 are here.
Report!
Herr Kommandant, I
have to make a report.
As a matter of fact...
Schultz!
I do not want a social
chat. I want a report.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!
I...
Herr Kommandant,
the Tiger tank is here.
Who is Kommandant Klink?
Heil Hitler.
Heil. I-I...
Well, where are these
rebellious prisoners?
The Tiger tank will smash
them flat like pancakes.
Rebellious prisoners?
There are no rebellious
prisoners here.
They are tame. I've tamed them.
Then why did you request a tank?
I did not.
You question the word
of a Gestapo officer?
Certainly not.
Here are my orders.
They are certainly
authentic. I...
There could be any doubt?
Not a doubt in the world.
Sir, request
permission to speak.
No!
Yes.
I regret to inform you, sir,
one of my men seems
to have escaped.
Escaped?
He received a letter
from home today, sir.
His girl sent him
a candid snapshot.
So these are your
"tamed" prisoners.
No one has ever
escaped from Stalag 13.
Sound the alarm.
Let loose the dogs.
All guards turn
out for the search!
All prisoners into the barracks!
I assure you, sir, I...
It is lucky for you,
Klink, that I'm here.
Zuruck! Zuruck!
Get back! Back, back, back!
Everybody zuruck!
Zuruck! In barracks.
Exciting, isn't it, Schultz?
All I wanted was an oil change.
Hey, Colonel.
Something's wrong outside.
The search is still going on.
They didn't find anybody?
No, sir. Not Tiger, not
LeBeau, not anybody!
LeBeau, what are you doing here?
Sorry, Colonel!
Sorry? What happened?
Didn't you meet Tiger?
Yes, sir, I did.
Yeah, what went wrong?
Well, just wouldn't work out.
Are you out of your
mind? You know the orders.
We don't use the
outside entrance
and this tunnel
except in emergency.
Krauts find out what
we've got underground
and we've blown
the whole ball game.
I thought it was an emergency.
You thought it was an emergency.
And where's Tiger?
Right behind you?
Awaiting permission
to come up, sir.
Tiger, come up here.
Hello.
You're Tiger.
Oui. Tiger.
Hello.
The changing
of the clothes, sir,
it just wouldn't work out.
What's the matter with
those people on the outside?
Don't they know procedure?
You mad at me?
Look, this is no game.
Guys risk their lives
escaping from other camps.
We sneak them in here.
They depend on us
to get them out of Germany.
Our whole operation could
go right down the drain,
just 'cause they
sent us a woman.
I have had many more missions
more dangerous than this,
and they did not
send me, I volunteer.
All right, so you're Mata Hari.
But this is an all-male camp.
Just where, for instance,
do we put you up?
In the spirit of "hands
across the sea" and all that,
uh, I hereby volunteer
to share my cubicle.
What's the matter, Newkirk?
The matter is, Colonel,
that a gentleman's tailor
is a gentleman's tailor,
and what we've got
here is no gentleman.
Begging your pardon, Tiger.
But of course.
Do the best you can.
We've got to get her
out of here tonight
looking like a
German civilian...
Some kind of a bulky uniform
to carry these blueprints.
Colonel, women work as crew
on the German trains.
I don't care if you
put on a kimono
and go as Tokyo Rose.
Let's just ad-lib the
whole thing, huh?
Why not? The worst
that can happen to you
is you get one week in
solitary, or I can get shot.
All right, all right.
Just have her ready
by roll call tonight.
The diversion is the tank
coming out of the rec hall.
Then you take off after that.
I thought it was in pieces.
It is in pieces.
We're going to put it back
together again in the rec hall
after the Germans
padlock the place.
Sounds wild.
The Colonel never misses.
Everything under control always.
Except his temper.
Hello.
Colonel Hogan, please.
Herr Kommandant
wants you in his office,
quickly, quickly.
He is boiling
over the escape that
was not an escape.
The guards were
searching all night.
No. No.
Tokyo Rose.
Oh, Colonel Hogan,
this time you went too far.
What am I saying?
I see nothing. Nothing!
Something I can do
for you, Commandant?
A slight explanation, Colonel
Hogan, about last night.
You know, I feel worse
than you do about that.
Sit down. Sit down.
On your feet.
Colonel Hogan, if
you do not feel worse
than I do now, you will.
I and my men were out all night,
and this morning,
the man you reported
missing was still here.
You know, I think we
were even one over.
Enough of your American jokes.
Punishment shall be
meted out to all prisoners.
All prisoners?
All prisoners.
Then you will not be so
popular, Colonel Hogan.
Oh, they're going to
hate me, all right, sir,
but I've just got to learn.
The usual punishment?
Yes. The prisoners'
recreation hall
will be padlocked for one week.
You're a hard man, Colonel.
But just.
Uh, anything else?
Colonel Hogan, last
night, just at roll call,
a Tiger tank entered the camp.
Tiger tank? Was
that a Tiger tank?
Hey, that's beautiful.
My compliments to
the General Staff, sir.
Danke. And, during your
search, Colonel Hogan,
did you happen to see
what gate it went out of?
It did go out a gate, didn't it?
We were all locked
in our barracks, sir.
Couldn't you have
looked through a window?
Herr Kommandant, General
Hofstader is on the phone.
General Hofstader? Hofstader?
Commander, Third
Panzer Division.
Hofstader!
General Hofstader, how
nice to hear from you.
I... Tank?
Didn't it come back?
I assure you, General
Hofstader, I never sent for one.
I had nothing to do with
it, General Hofstader. I...
Where is it now?
Well, you see,
General Hofstader,
it was here last night,
and then we had an escape,
except it wasn't
really an escape,
and when we came to
look for the tank, well, it, uh...
Nasty tempers, those Panzers.
No, General Hofstader.
There's no need for you to
come here, General Hofstader.
The tank will be found
immediately, General Hofstader.
Jawohl, General Hofstader!
Lose a tank?
If the tank did not
leave the camp,
then it is still here.
If it is still here,
your men may have hidden it.
Now, we will search this camp,
inch by inch,
barracks by barracks,
prisoner by prisoner.
Colonel Klink, now,
just where do you think
we might have
hidden a Tiger tank?
It is impossible for
you to hide a Tiger tank.
Therefore, I suspect you.
Dismissed.
Don't worry,
I think it'll show up somewhere.
Can't you make a
phone tap off Klink's office
out of something
besides my coffee pot?
Aw, tais-toi.
Aw, tais-toi! Tais-toi to you!
Oh, General Hofstader
is on the way, Colonel.
He'll be here in a few minutes.
I guess we'd better
give back the tank.
Newkirk, get over
to the rec hall.
It's all set to go.
Jawohl, mein Colonel.
Knock off the phony accent.
All right, Governor.
For your inspection, Colonel.
Worst job we ever did,
but the blueprints are all in.
Got some fatigues to
go over that for roll call?
Right here, Colonel.
Let's get 'em on her.
Roll call's any minute now.
Well, uh, good luck, now.
Thank you, Sergeant.
LeBeau: Well, be careful, huh?
Merci.
Here, let me help you...
I can manage, thank you.
I am sorry if my
being a woman
has made things
difficult for you.
Difficult?
For your plans.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Colonel Hogan...
it is not likely
that we will ever
see each other again,
so we can be frank, no?
No. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I volunteered to come here,
because in the underground
I heard many things
about your operation here.
We know that you could escape,
but you choose to stay behind
and help the others.
And I was curious...
Curious, as a woman...
About the man in charge.
And now I have seen.
Um, roll call?
Roll call.
Roll call, Colonel.
Roll call, Colonel.
General Hofstader,
how nice to see you.
Where is my tank, Klink?
Didn't it come back yet?
Klink, I released a tank to you
to put down a riot by prisoners.
I see no riot.
I see no tank.
All I see is a colonel
about to become corporal.
But, General Hofstader,
we searched the grounds,
the barracks, the prisoners...
The prisoners?
No one had it in his pocket?
We are talking about
a Tiger tank, Klink,
not a toy dump truck!
Please, Colonel,
you push me too far.
What's the matter, Schultz?
All 15 not here?
15 are here, but
it is not Newkirk.
It doesn't even
look like Newkirk
in any important respect.
Really?
Oh, please, Colonel Hogan,
I do not want to interfere
in your private life,
but I must insist...
Schultz, you have my word...
Newkirk will be here...
any time now.
General Hofstader,
it will not be necessary
for you to report
this to Berlin.
The tank will turn
up any time now.
You see, I told
you it would turn up.
Now, where did that come from?
I see nothing, nothing!
It is attacking!
This is General Hofstader.
Halt! Halt!
Get inside... Get
inside that tank!
It's about the biggest
diversion we can make.
You better be going.
Colonel Hogan!
Colonel Hogan!
Kissing prisoners is verboten!
Au revoir.
Anything happening?
Nothing, Schultz.
Just the dull, deadly
routine of prison life.
Oh, boy.
Colonel...
Now, we've had some
strange occurrences
in this camp, very
strange occurrences.
We have? Yes.
Can you suggest an explanation?
The Gestapo.
The Gestapo?
Colonel Klink, you've
never had an escape
at Stalag 13.
That's a record not even
the Gestapo can match.
True, but I-I...
It's a plot to
discredit you in Berlin.
But why?
Your efficiency is
showing them up!
No!
You have a better theory?
This is incredible.
What can I do?
Well, perhaps one of these days
we might just be able
to arrange an escape.
Nothing big... 15, 20 men?
Do you realize that
what you are suggesting,
Colonel Hogan, is treason?
See? You're too perfect.
That's why they hate you.
For after dinner.
program in color.
Prisoners.
From time to time
as Kommandant of Stalag
13, out of my own free will,
I bring you news of the war
of which you are
no longer a part.
Things continue to go well
for the all-victorious
Third Reich.
Yes, I know, you
would wish it otherwise,
but it is necessary for
you to look at the facts.
New and powerful weapons
continue to pour
from our factories.
I have just returned from
a nearby Panzer division
completely equipped with
the new and secret Tiger tanks,
which will crush all resistance
like eggshells.
The Allies would love
to get their hands
on one, believe me.
However, you as prisoners
must look upon this new weapon
of the invincible Third Reich
as another guarantee that
soon the war will be over.
Dismissed.
Colonel Klink.
Yes, Colonel Hogan?
Uh, this Panzer division
with the new Tiger tanks,
aren't they just west of here?
North.
Uh, what's that to you?
Just asking.
Steal a German tank?
We'll give it back.
After we take it apart
and make blueprints of it.
Well, how do we
get a hold of it.
How do we get it in here?
Where are we
going to hide a tank?
Where do we take it apart?
Look, I got the idea
of stealing it, right?
The rest is detail.
Guard coming.
Okay, fellas, knock it off.
Get that ladder
out of here, huh?
As you were, it's only Schultz.
Okay, get back to work.
Make it fast, not much time.
What? What is? What? What?
What's this? What? What is what?
Remodeling, Schultz.
We're going to
take out that wall
and put in a picture window.
That'll give us a sweeping vista
to the delousing station.
Then we're going
to replace this stuff
with some Danish modern.
What would you
think of Provincial?
Please, Colonel Hogan!
Schultz, how else
do we get the tank in?
Uh, the tank? Tank? Tank? Tank?
So we can take it apart.
Oh, no. I don't see anything.
I hear nothing, nothing.
Sergeant!
What is Ihr Namen?
Schultz, Herr Leutnant.
I have uncovered a plot to...
And that is why you hear nothing
and you see nothing?
Herr Leutnant, this
is a speech problem.
I sometimes speak.
I say things I do
not know what I say.
He's right, Lieutenant Newkirk.
I urge leniency for this man
on the grounds of
general incompetence.
That's right, Herr
Leutnant Newkirk.
Why sometimes
my wife even says...
Newkirk?
How'd you like me accent?
It was great.
LeBeau, you want
to put some padding
in those shoulders
there, please?
Right, sir.
All right.
What a relief.
If the Gestapo would uncover
what's going on around here...
Colonel Hogan?
Hmm?
What is he doing in the uniform?
Colonel Hogan, please!
Oh, you went too far.
I must report this.
It would be worth my
life if I do not report this.
It's only until tomorrow,
and then he's going
to take it off again.
Ah...
After he steals the tank.
Oh!
From the Panzer division.
Oh!
And brings it here
into the barracks.
Oh! I see nothing.
I was not here.
I did not even get
up this morning!
Herr Kommandant,
Colonel Hogan is here.
Very good taste you
have in furnishings, sir.
Yes, yes, yes. What
is it, Colonel Hogan?
I'm very busy.
Paperwork from Berlin.
No one has any idea.
Oh, I sympathize.
However, I must protest
as a violation of the
Geneva Convention,
the private interrogation of
my men by a Gestapo officer.
Nonsense!
There's no Gestapo officer here.
Dismissed.
Most likely an impostor.
A Gestapo officer here?
What is he asking about?
Nothing important.
Just wanted to know
if we ever heard you
say anything about...
the usual Gestapo stuff.
About what? About what?
I'm completely loyal.
They know that in Berlin.
Oh, sure, but you
know how they are.
What did your men tell him?
Did they tell him the truth?
I cannot be disturbed!
What did they tell him?
Come in.
Langenscheidt, are
you hard of hearing,
or do you need
a trip to the front
to sharpen your senses?
The main gate is calling,
begging the Kommandant's pardon.
A Gestapo Leutnant is there.
Tell him nothing!
What does he want?
To leave, Herr Kommandant.
He has a pass, but they
have no record of him entering.
What do I care?
If he wants out, let him out.
The sooner the better. Dummkopf.
Yes, Herr Kommandant.
Certainly, Herr Kommandant.
Right away, Herr Kommandant.
Nasty lot, that Himmler crowd.
Newkirk then enters
with the Tiger tank to here.
LeBeau, you go
through the fence here
to rendezvous with the agent,
who will later carry
out the blueprints,
rendezvous point being up here.
Usual procedure, Colonel?
Usual procedure.
You change clothes
with the agent,
who then, posing as you,
will be captured by the guards.
Incidentally, Kinch
has made radio contact
with the people
sending the agent.
Code name Tiger.
Part of Operation Tiger.
Right.
35 seconds after Newkirk enters,
the alarm will be sounded
for your escape, LeBeau,
and under cover of the search,
Newkirk will bring the
tank around to here.
Roll call, Colonel.
31 seconds early.
Why can't these Germans
learn to be methodical?
All right, let's go.
Raus!
Everybody raus.
Roll call, everybody
raus, raus, raus, raus, raus.
Mach schnell. Everybody raus.
Mach schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell, shnell.
Everybody raus. Everybody raus.
Every...
Ah, beautiful evening,
isn't it, Schultz?
Eins, Zwei, Drei, Vier, Funf,
Sechs, Sieben,
Acht, Neun, Zehn...
Elf is next. Eleven, Schultz.
I know how to count.
So many of the younger guards...
I think it's the
way they're taught.
Zwolf, Dreizehn, Vierzehn...
Report!
How can I make a report
when number 15 is missing?
Look at the bright side:
14 are here.
Report!
Herr Kommandant, I
have to make a report.
As a matter of fact...
Schultz!
I do not want a social
chat. I want a report.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!
I...
Herr Kommandant,
the Tiger tank is here.
Who is Kommandant Klink?
Heil Hitler.
Heil. I-I...
Well, where are these
rebellious prisoners?
The Tiger tank will smash
them flat like pancakes.
Rebellious prisoners?
There are no rebellious
prisoners here.
They are tame. I've tamed them.
Then why did you request a tank?
I did not.
You question the word
of a Gestapo officer?
Certainly not.
Here are my orders.
They are certainly
authentic. I...
There could be any doubt?
Not a doubt in the world.
Sir, request
permission to speak.
No!
Yes.
I regret to inform you, sir,
one of my men seems
to have escaped.
Escaped?
He received a letter
from home today, sir.
His girl sent him
a candid snapshot.
So these are your
"tamed" prisoners.
No one has ever
escaped from Stalag 13.
Sound the alarm.
Let loose the dogs.
All guards turn
out for the search!
All prisoners into the barracks!
I assure you, sir, I...
It is lucky for you,
Klink, that I'm here.
Zuruck! Zuruck!
Get back! Back, back, back!
Everybody zuruck!
Zuruck! In barracks.
Exciting, isn't it, Schultz?
All I wanted was an oil change.
Hey, Colonel.
Something's wrong outside.
The search is still going on.
They didn't find anybody?
No, sir. Not Tiger, not
LeBeau, not anybody!
LeBeau, what are you doing here?
Sorry, Colonel!
Sorry? What happened?
Didn't you meet Tiger?
Yes, sir, I did.
Yeah, what went wrong?
Well, just wouldn't work out.
Are you out of your
mind? You know the orders.
We don't use the
outside entrance
and this tunnel
except in emergency.
Krauts find out what
we've got underground
and we've blown
the whole ball game.
I thought it was an emergency.
You thought it was an emergency.
And where's Tiger?
Right behind you?
Awaiting permission
to come up, sir.
Tiger, come up here.
Hello.
You're Tiger.
Oui. Tiger.
Hello.
The changing
of the clothes, sir,
it just wouldn't work out.
What's the matter with
those people on the outside?
Don't they know procedure?
You mad at me?
Look, this is no game.
Guys risk their lives
escaping from other camps.
We sneak them in here.
They depend on us
to get them out of Germany.
Our whole operation could
go right down the drain,
just 'cause they
sent us a woman.
I have had many more missions
more dangerous than this,
and they did not
send me, I volunteer.
All right, so you're Mata Hari.
But this is an all-male camp.
Just where, for instance,
do we put you up?
In the spirit of "hands
across the sea" and all that,
uh, I hereby volunteer
to share my cubicle.
What's the matter, Newkirk?
The matter is, Colonel,
that a gentleman's tailor
is a gentleman's tailor,
and what we've got
here is no gentleman.
Begging your pardon, Tiger.
But of course.
Do the best you can.
We've got to get her
out of here tonight
looking like a
German civilian...
Some kind of a bulky uniform
to carry these blueprints.
Colonel, women work as crew
on the German trains.
I don't care if you
put on a kimono
and go as Tokyo Rose.
Let's just ad-lib the
whole thing, huh?
Why not? The worst
that can happen to you
is you get one week in
solitary, or I can get shot.
All right, all right.
Just have her ready
by roll call tonight.
The diversion is the tank
coming out of the rec hall.
Then you take off after that.
I thought it was in pieces.
It is in pieces.
We're going to put it back
together again in the rec hall
after the Germans
padlock the place.
Sounds wild.
The Colonel never misses.
Everything under control always.
Except his temper.
Hello.
Colonel Hogan, please.
Herr Kommandant
wants you in his office,
quickly, quickly.
He is boiling
over the escape that
was not an escape.
The guards were
searching all night.
No. No.
Tokyo Rose.
Oh, Colonel Hogan,
this time you went too far.
What am I saying?
I see nothing. Nothing!
Something I can do
for you, Commandant?
A slight explanation, Colonel
Hogan, about last night.
You know, I feel worse
than you do about that.
Sit down. Sit down.
On your feet.
Colonel Hogan, if
you do not feel worse
than I do now, you will.
I and my men were out all night,
and this morning,
the man you reported
missing was still here.
You know, I think we
were even one over.
Enough of your American jokes.
Punishment shall be
meted out to all prisoners.
All prisoners?
All prisoners.
Then you will not be so
popular, Colonel Hogan.
Oh, they're going to
hate me, all right, sir,
but I've just got to learn.
The usual punishment?
Yes. The prisoners'
recreation hall
will be padlocked for one week.
You're a hard man, Colonel.
But just.
Uh, anything else?
Colonel Hogan, last
night, just at roll call,
a Tiger tank entered the camp.
Tiger tank? Was
that a Tiger tank?
Hey, that's beautiful.
My compliments to
the General Staff, sir.
Danke. And, during your
search, Colonel Hogan,
did you happen to see
what gate it went out of?
It did go out a gate, didn't it?
We were all locked
in our barracks, sir.
Couldn't you have
looked through a window?
Herr Kommandant, General
Hofstader is on the phone.
General Hofstader? Hofstader?
Commander, Third
Panzer Division.
Hofstader!
General Hofstader, how
nice to hear from you.
I... Tank?
Didn't it come back?
I assure you, General
Hofstader, I never sent for one.
I had nothing to do with
it, General Hofstader. I...
Where is it now?
Well, you see,
General Hofstader,
it was here last night,
and then we had an escape,
except it wasn't
really an escape,
and when we came to
look for the tank, well, it, uh...
Nasty tempers, those Panzers.
No, General Hofstader.
There's no need for you to
come here, General Hofstader.
The tank will be found
immediately, General Hofstader.
Jawohl, General Hofstader!
Lose a tank?
If the tank did not
leave the camp,
then it is still here.
If it is still here,
your men may have hidden it.
Now, we will search this camp,
inch by inch,
barracks by barracks,
prisoner by prisoner.
Colonel Klink, now,
just where do you think
we might have
hidden a Tiger tank?
It is impossible for
you to hide a Tiger tank.
Therefore, I suspect you.
Dismissed.
Don't worry,
I think it'll show up somewhere.
Can't you make a
phone tap off Klink's office
out of something
besides my coffee pot?
Aw, tais-toi.
Aw, tais-toi! Tais-toi to you!
Oh, General Hofstader
is on the way, Colonel.
He'll be here in a few minutes.
I guess we'd better
give back the tank.
Newkirk, get over
to the rec hall.
It's all set to go.
Jawohl, mein Colonel.
Knock off the phony accent.
All right, Governor.
For your inspection, Colonel.
Worst job we ever did,
but the blueprints are all in.
Got some fatigues to
go over that for roll call?
Right here, Colonel.
Let's get 'em on her.
Roll call's any minute now.
Well, uh, good luck, now.
Thank you, Sergeant.
LeBeau: Well, be careful, huh?
Merci.
Here, let me help you...
I can manage, thank you.
I am sorry if my
being a woman
has made things
difficult for you.
Difficult?
For your plans.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Colonel Hogan...
it is not likely
that we will ever
see each other again,
so we can be frank, no?
No. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I volunteered to come here,
because in the underground
I heard many things
about your operation here.
We know that you could escape,
but you choose to stay behind
and help the others.
And I was curious...
Curious, as a woman...
About the man in charge.
And now I have seen.
Um, roll call?
Roll call.
Roll call, Colonel.
Roll call, Colonel.
General Hofstader,
how nice to see you.
Where is my tank, Klink?
Didn't it come back yet?
Klink, I released a tank to you
to put down a riot by prisoners.
I see no riot.
I see no tank.
All I see is a colonel
about to become corporal.
But, General Hofstader,
we searched the grounds,
the barracks, the prisoners...
The prisoners?
No one had it in his pocket?
We are talking about
a Tiger tank, Klink,
not a toy dump truck!
Please, Colonel,
you push me too far.
What's the matter, Schultz?
All 15 not here?
15 are here, but
it is not Newkirk.
It doesn't even
look like Newkirk
in any important respect.
Really?
Oh, please, Colonel Hogan,
I do not want to interfere
in your private life,
but I must insist...
Schultz, you have my word...
Newkirk will be here...
any time now.
General Hofstader,
it will not be necessary
for you to report
this to Berlin.
The tank will turn
up any time now.
You see, I told
you it would turn up.
Now, where did that come from?
I see nothing, nothing!
It is attacking!
This is General Hofstader.
Halt! Halt!
Get inside... Get
inside that tank!
It's about the biggest
diversion we can make.
You better be going.
Colonel Hogan!
Colonel Hogan!
Kissing prisoners is verboten!
Au revoir.
Anything happening?
Nothing, Schultz.
Just the dull, deadly
routine of prison life.
Oh, boy.
Colonel...
Now, we've had some
strange occurrences
in this camp, very
strange occurrences.
We have? Yes.
Can you suggest an explanation?
The Gestapo.
The Gestapo?
Colonel Klink, you've
never had an escape
at Stalag 13.
That's a record not even
the Gestapo can match.
True, but I-I...
It's a plot to
discredit you in Berlin.
But why?
Your efficiency is
showing them up!
No!
You have a better theory?
This is incredible.
What can I do?
Well, perhaps one of these days
we might just be able
to arrange an escape.
Nothing big... 15, 20 men?
Do you realize that
what you are suggesting,
Colonel Hogan, is treason?
See? You're too perfect.
That's why they hate you.
For after dinner.