Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Informer - full transcript

Ein!

Zwei!

Drei!

Vier!

Oh, Schultz, Schultz.

I feel terrible, Schultz.

Oh. Come on, hold me.

Now, then... now I'm all right.

Maybe if you could put
the sun lamp in me room.

Z'ruck! Z'ruck!

Funf!



Sechs!

Sieben!

Schultz.

Huh?

You're gonna catch cold.

Ow! Ooh!

Ah, you're right where
you should be, Lieutenant.

You're Carter?

Yeah, right, but
what am I doing here?

I just busted out of
another prison camp.

Welcome to Camp 13. You're
busting in. Gimme your jacket.

You don't know
how long it took me

to dig my way out
of that other camp.

Getting in is much easier.



But why?

I'll tell you in a sec.

Vierzehn!

Funf...

Colonel Hogan,

there's one prisoner missing.

Colonel Hogan, please.

Not again.

Report!

Report!

Herr Kommandant, ich, ich...

Nyeh!

My dear Colonel Hogan.

I know the game.

You divert this dummkopf

to give the bird
a chance to fly.

Herr Kommandant, have
you no faith in human nature?

No one escapes Camp 13.

Not now, not ever.

I keep forgetting.

Sound the alarm.

Let loose the dogs.

Well, it's, uh, time
to say goodnight.

Dogs are on the way.

Dogs?

Good luck.

Hey, wait a minute.

Not yet, stupid.

After I get clear.

You just stand here...
They won't hurt you.

Well, thanks a lot.

Ah, Lieutenant.

Yes, sir.

You were with the
182nd, huh? Yes, sir.

How's old McNair doing?

Who's he?

I thought everybody knew McNair.

No, sir. I never heard of him.

Say, look, Colonel, I'm... Ow!

You moved.

What am I doing
in this hokey suit?

I liked it better as a blanket.

Blanket? Colonel...

Vladimir comes from a
long line of Moscow tailors.

What kind of operation is this?

Traveler's Aid Society.

You see, if we're going
to get you back to London,

we've got to make you
look like a German civilian.

I hate it, Colonel,
but... I'll do it.

Say, uh... how's
Major Campbell doing?

I don't know any
Campbell. Who's he?

Nobody.

It's for security reasons

just in case the Germans try

to slip in a ringer on us.

You sent for me, Colonel?

Oh, Newkirk. I'm
glad you're here.

We're running a
little bit behind time.

Pass the word around...
Football game is off.

Oh, no, Colonel.

I was supposed to
play fullback today.

Fullback? Now I know

we've got to get
the game canceled.

Colonel,

we need that game
as a smoke screen.

If the ruddy Krauts
don't see a mob outside,

they'll know something's up.

Not if Commandant
Klink calls it off.

Blimey, Colonel, if
you could pull that off,

you're a better
magician than I am.

Oh, by the way,
the name is Newkirk.

Excuse me, is that your watch?

Newkirk used to be
a headliner in London.

Oh, they loved me
at the Palladium.

By the way, have an egg.

Sam, Sam, don't
make the pants too long.

You! get out of here.

Well, you've got one
of everything here.

We're still short a
tenor for the glee club.

What happens to that fellow
I changed clothes with...

The one that got me in?

Olsen? That's our outside man.

Well, now, does he come
back in when I leave?

That's right.

What does he do
when he's out there?

We never ask him.

Won't the guards
know that I'm not Olsen?

No, only Schultz will know,
because he's our barracks guard.

You bribed him.

No. We don't have to do that.

You see, if you're
a different man,

that means there's
a man missing.

And if there's a man missing...

Schultz gets a vacation
at the Russian Front.

Fantastic operation.

Hey, Colonel, the Kommandant

wants to see you. He's got smoke

coming out of both
ears about last night.

Oh, all right, Kinch.

Danke, Colonel.

Oh, I have not had
nylons in months.

I understand there's a war on.

Herr Kommandant
says you come in.

Ah, Hogan. Come
in, come in, come in.

Herr Kommandant.

Sit down, please, please.

Yeah. Thank you.

Well, now, Hogan.

You expect to find me angry

over last night's
attempted escape, huh?

No.

No?

No, you're too big a man

for that, Kommandant.

Oh.

But you were surprised when
the man was not put in solitary.

Not at all.

Your leniency is a
legend in our time.

Uh-uh. No more.

From now on, for
every attempted escape,

the entire camp
will be punished.

That surprises you, eh?

Oh, beyond words.

Beyond words.

I will show you beyond words.

Now, I have tried reason.

The attempts persist.

I have tried the cooler.

They still persist.

Now I will show the iron
hand, to the entire camp.

This is foolish!

No one escapes from Camp 13.

Not last night, not
tonight, not ever.

You know, that's true.

Then why do you persist?

Well, let's put it this way.

You run a big operation here.

Guards, dogs, civilians,
the whole thing, huh?

That's right.

How many men would you need

if we gave up trying to escape?

How many?

Yeah. I mean, would they need

a colonel as Kommandant?

A captain could do it.

A sergeant.

A sergeant?

Don't worry.

I don't think they're gonna

transfer you to
the Russian front.

You've heard something?

Rumors.

Where? Who?

Wasn't one of my men.

Was it Karl?

Fritz?

Schultz?

Aha!

Schultz, the big mouth!

Boy, you're clever.

What about the escape?

What escape?

Last night.

Ah! Colonel Hogan.

Let me explain something to you.

I am of the old Prussian school,
the Heidelberg aristocracy.

Now, we think different
than the new order.

The entire camp
must be punished.

All right, have it your way.

Uh...

But can you do me one favor?

What is it?

Look out that window

and tell me what you see.

I see prisoners.

What else is there to see?

Men, Kommandant Klink.

Men with empty lives,

but men, like yourself.

All I see is prisoners.

Look closer, Kommandant.

Look into their dreams.

A dream of playing today

for the camp football
championship.

Punish them any way you
want to, Herr Kommandant,

but don't take away their dream.

You have given
me their punishment.

There will be no
football game today.

That was ugly, sir.

Dismissed.

You got a light?

Oh, yes.

Danke.

New man?

Yes, sir.

Name, rank and
serial number, that's all.

Thank you, sir.

Keiniger Sprach.

Inside.

Wiegeht, August.
Burkhalter, in Berlin?

We will speak in English.

Of course.

In my line of work,
even the habit

of thinking in
German is dangerous.

Oh, take it easy, take it easy.

How you feeling?

I'll be all right, sir.

Klink didn't get
anything out of me, sir.

You're a good soldier.

Uh... What outfit were you with?

151st, sir. Shot
down over Cologne.

151st. Really?

How's old McNair doing?

I don't think I know
any McNair, sir.

Oh.

You must know Ellingsworth.

No, I-I don't. Who's he?

Nobody. Just testing
in case the Germans try

to sneak in a spy on us.

Good idea, sir.

Did I pass?

Yeah. Flying colors.

Hey, uh, look, if
you want anything,

just ask, all right?

Thanks, Colonel.

Incidentally, when
we have more time,

you gotta bring me up-to-
date on Major Campbell.

Major Campbell?

Wait a minute... You
were with the 151st

and you don't know
Major Campbell?

Oh. Oh. Campbell, yeah.

Everybody knows Campbell.

What a character.

Nobody liked him.

Hey, did, did you
ever hear the story

about Major Campbell
and the WAC Captain?

I did.

Yeah, great story.

Uh... we'll talk
some more, later.

Take it easy.

Thanks, sir.

Oh! I'm sorry, chum. Sorry.

We have a petunia in our garden.

Well, I frisked him, Colonel.

He's got nothing on him.

Pass the word to
the rest of the camp.

Nobody talks to him, but nobody.

All right, I'm on me way.

I think you hit a bull's-eye.

This is your escape
route to the canal.

There'll be a rowboat waiting.

This is your rendezvous
point with the submarine.

How will the sub
know I'm coming?

We'll call them
on the shortwave.

Kinch, how's

the coffee pot coming?

Just about set, Colonel.

But you got to stop these guys
from making coffee in the thing.

All right. What's it for?

This is our phone
tap. When the red light

goes on, Klink's
office is calling outside.

The basket is our speaker.

Dinner, Colonel.

Ah. Swell.

Mercy.

Wow.

The artichokes are
not haute cuisine.

I may have to
change greengrocers.

But the chateaubriand...

I will back with my life.

My coffeepot.

Hey, Colonel!

Wagner just went
into Klink's office.

All right... keep
your men on him.

All right.

Wagner? The new guy.

Yeah. Why?

Red light, Colonel.

Colonel Burkhalter?

Lieutenant Wagner speaking.

Go ahead, Wagner.

I think you'd better get down
here right away, Colonel.

I have evidence that

this is an outfitting
and embarkation point

for prisoners of war escaping

from the Third Reich.

I shall be there at 0800 sharp.

Yes, sir.

There's been some mistake.

Your last, Kommandant.

All right.

Somebody talked. Who?

I'm afraid I did.

I thought Wagner was
just another prisoner.

Didn't this man get the message?

He was sleeping, Colonel.

I-I was going to tell him later.

It's my fault, Colonel.

Oh, Colonel, what do we do now?

Let's eat.

Colonel, the spies have
loused up our whole operation.

So what do we do?

Colonel, why don't
we get rid of this guy?

He knows too much.

It's not that he knows too much.

He doesn't know enough.

Let's show him
the whole operation.

What? Take him underground?

He'll tell the Krauts
about everything.

I have a feeling they're
not going to believe him.

Colonel, he's on his way.

All right, LeBeau.

All right, break it up.

Ah, Wagner, we were
just talking about you.

We have taken a vote,

and decided to take
you underground

to see our entire layout.

That's great.

Ah, we're going to have
to blindfold you though,

so you don't see where
the tunnel entrance is.

It's for your own protection.

I understand.

All right. Right this way.

Get away!

Come on, get away!

Come on, you, too.

Come on. Not now.

Get away. Get away.

Colonel, this is wonderful.

The Boche think this
is a real water tower.

Quiet, you fool.

You'll give it away.

Here. Take the chain.

Sometimes the trap door sticks.

You, too, Wagner.

Watch your head.

Don't hit the water tower.

There you go again!

I am a fool.

All right, here it is.

Here you go.
That's it. That's it.

Careful. That's it.

Back away. Slowly... back.

This is fantastic!

It's a little bare,
but it's comfortable.

Watch out for your head.

Ah! Welcome to the mint.

You make German money?

By the bale.

Is it, uh... Is it good
enough to pass?

Confidentially, we're
having a little trouble.

In the real stuff, the ink
has a tendency to run.

I don't want you to get the idea

we're strictly parasitic here.

I mean, we've got
legitimate business, too.

Watch your head.

Lugers! We getting
ready for a big breakout?

Certainly not.

Cigarette lighter.

Hottest item in
Berlin right now.

Of course, the Japanese

will copy it and undersell us,

but that's free enterprise.

It's fantastic.

But I don't understand.

How do you get
all this equipment

in and out past the guards?

Oscar Schnitzer.

Oscar who?

He's the vet from town.

Comes in and out every day.

He's supposed to change the dogs

so the POWs don't get
too friendly with them.

The guards never
look in the truck

because they're
afraid of the dogs.

Except there aren't any dogs.

No dogs in the truck?

No. It's a phonograph record.

Very convincing,
too. It's stereo.

Would you like to
see our steam room?

Steam room?

It's a necessity.

We import all of our food.

The fellas have a
tendency to eat too much.

And a fat POW
would give it away.

That's fantastic.

Then when you're
ready for a trim...

Not a barber shop.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, come on. Cut
it short, LeBeau.

This man's got to be
out of here in two hours

as a German civilian.

But that's not him.

It's not supposed to be him.

All right.

Don't forget the manicure.

Manicure?

Yeah. That's the Camp 13 touch.

No one's going to believe

that a man with a manicure

is an escaped prisoner of war.

But she's Klink's secretary!

She's also our manicurist.

She does a little moonlighting.

Two hours, Lieutenant.

Right.

You're next, Wagner.

Look, I'd love to show you

around the rest of the place,

but I have to go
call the submarine.

I'll be at the
communications center.

You mean there's more?

Keeps us off the streets.

Ready on your call, Colonel.

All right, Kinch.

Hello, Mama Bear. Hello,
Mama Bear. This is Goldilocks.

Come in, Goldilocks.
This is Mama Bear.

That bowl of porridge...
It's getting too hot to hold.

Pick up three hours earlier.

Will do, Goldilocks.

Roger, over and out.

Get me Sidney Carton.

Right.

Colonel Hogan...

please do not play games.

There are people
here from Berlin.

There will be a roll call,

and it will not be
enough to have 15 men.

They must be the same
15 men I always have.

Please, Colonel Hogan!

Schultz, don't be a bookkeeper.

Is Olsen back?

No, but we're expecting him.

Only expecting?

Colonel Hogan, how do I look?

I got the civilian suit on

under my uniform.

I see nothing!

Roll call!

Don't worry, Schultz.

We're expecting.

I can assure you,
Colonel Burkhalter,

everything is in
the best of order.

We have never even
had an escape here.

Herr Kommandant...

Schultz!

Not now.

Klink...

If any of what this
man says is true,

you will want to make
an escape of your own.

You are the senior
officer of the prisoners?

Colonel Hogan,
U.S. Army Air Corps.

Something wrong?

We will have your
charges, Wagner.

This man is operating
an underground apparatus

so vast and so complicated

as to stagger the imagination,

under the very nose
of Colonel Klink.

Colonel, spies are
notoriously unreliable.

Spy? He's not one of us?

Too bad you didn't
find it out sooner.

Directly below us, Herr Colonel,

is a printing press

turning out enough
counterfeit money

to destroy the economy
of the Third Reich.

Impossible!

Schultz!

I happen to have with
me an excellent sample.

Well?

I had it right here.

What else did you find?

Machine shops, steam
rooms, barber shops.

His secretary is
a manicurist there.

Helga,

a manicurist in an
underground barber shop

for prisoners?

Yes!

Helga?

She's the one who was
so nice on my last visit.

Yes, my Colonel.

In the future, you
will be more careful

with your facts, Wagner.

You said "machine
shops", Wagner?

Machine shops, Herr Colonel.

They make souvenir
lighters there

that they sell in Berlin.

Is that so?

Klink, let me have
one of your cigars.

Here. Have one of mine.

Proof, Herr Colonel.

They switched it!

They're diabolical!

They even have
shortwave sets down there

to-to talk to submarines.

Perhaps you had better
show us the entrance

to this, uh, underground.

Of course.

They blindfolded me, but I
was able to deduce its location.

It's right under
the water tower.

A chain operates a trap door.

The tower is a fake.

Look, I pull the chain and...

They have tricked us.

There is a man here who does
not belong here, who has escaped in!

Wait! Ask that truck!

This is their truck!

They smuggle things
in and out with it!

I will show you!

Do you know what you
think you are trying to do?

Those dogs are killers!

It's a phonograph record!

You will see!

Arrest that man!

I much regret, my dear Klink...

These spies, Colonel,
they are unstable.

A little time on
the Eastern front

will clear his head. Yeah.

Vierzehn...

Funf!

Herr Kommandant, all prisoners
present and accounted for.

Silence! Did I ask you?

Why don't they
trust us, Schultz?

Now, gentlemen, in the barracks.

Back, back, back, back, back.

In the barracks,
everybody, back, back, back.