Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 30 - Cupid Comes to Stalag 13 - full transcript

CBS presents this
program in color.

All right.

The lights go out in
exactly 23 seconds.

Schultz, you woke
me up to tell me that?

Buzz off!

18 seconds more.

Turn out the light, Schultz.

I need the extra sleep.

Impossible.

According to camp regulations,

the lights have
to be out in, uh...



ten seconds, nine, eight...

Seven, six, five...

four, three, two, one.

Zero!

Get those lights out, come on!

The Commandant can see all this

from the window,
you know, Schultz.

The Commandant!

Commandant.

Where... Where is my rifle?!

I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

Where is my rifle?

Trifle? No! Rifle!



Rifle, where is my rifle?

Who stole my ri...?

Ah, here is my rifle.

Why do you have
to have my rifle?

I don't have a teddy bear.

Oh, that's sad,

but give me back the rifle.

Shh! Shh!

Quiet!

Shh. Shh.

Everybody, sound asleep.

Back to bed.

Everybody sound asleep.

Shh!

Shh.

Schultz?

Can I have a drink of water?

No! Quiet!

Everybody back to bed!

All right, come on.

Okay, Ferguson, let's go.

The underground's waiting
for those maps, come on!

Gosh, I hate to leave here.

The last four days
have been the best

I ever spent in the army.

Nothing too good for
a guest who's going

on a dangerous mission, Captain.

All right, now, look,

Carter will get you
to the meeting place

with the underground.

They'll see that you
get back to England

with the installation maps.

Okay, Colonel.

All clear, Kinch?

Uh-huh, so far.

Uh-oh! What's the matter?

Our beloved Commandant
is on the prowl.

Can't be, should
be asleep by now.

Here, hold this.

Yeah, it is Klink!

And he's heading
right for the barracks.

Down periscope!

Everybody back to
bed! Let's go, come on!

By the way, Ferguson,
if you want anything,

just ring for room service.

Thanks, Colonel.

Hey, what's going on here?

All right, who
turned on the lights?

You guys know the rules.

We didn't do...

Oh, Commandant, what a pleasure.

I couldn't sleep.

I want to talk to you, Hogan.

Oh, sure, uh, uh,
uh, uh, I'll, uh...

I'll drop by your office
first thing in the morning,

say, around 11:30ish.

I want to talk to you now alone.

Uh, why don't you
step into my office?

Light, sir.

Well, Colonel,

what's up at this
hour of the night?

I mean, besides you?

Do you mind if we
have some light, Hogan?

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Sit down.

Thank you.

Hogan, uh,

this is a painful
matter to discuss,

but it's no secret, I know.

You do?

What do you know?

That I'm a failure.

Is that all?

Is that all?

Do you think it's easy
for a man to face the fact

that he's been a
failure all his life?

No, but you've had a
long time to get used to it.

Why are you telling
me about this?

Because even though
you're a prisoner,

you're the only man of
equal rank here at this camp.

Thank you.

And also, if you repeat
this conversation,

as a prisoner, I
can have you shot.

Under those circumstances,
you can depend on me, sir.

Thank you, Colonel Hogan.

Mm-hmm. Uh, what makes
you think you're a failure?

Do you realize

that I have been a colonel
longer than any man

in my graduating class?

The rest are all
generals, field marshals...

To say nothing of Hitler,
who was a corporal.

His next promotion
was head of the army.

I am not complaining
about that promotion.

General Burkhalter called today.

He is coming here to talk to
me about my future, he said.

Do you realize what that means?

It means a transfer
to the Russian front.

Fine, get a chance to be a hero!

I'd rather be a live
failure than a dead hero.

Then you've got your wish.

You're a live failure.

Sorry.

How much longer you going

to keep Captain Ferguson

down in that tunnel, sir?

We can't get him away

while Klink prowls
the grounds all night.

Yeah, and with
Klink on the prowl,

the guards are on the alert.

What I want to know is,

how much longer is
Klink going to prowl?

As long as Klink is
unhappy and can't sleep.

We got to figure a
way to make him happy.

General Burkhalter,
I cannot tell you

what a pleasure it always is
to have you drop in for a visit.

Sit down, Klink.

You are making me nervous.

Oh, I wouldn't do
that for the world.

Not to you, General,
never, never.

Stop talking.

That makes me nervous, too.

I've been giving a great
deal of thought to you, Klink,

and I must say, I
strongly disapprove of you.

Do you know what
I disapprove of?

The way you are living.

A man like you
shouldn't live alone.

It's not good to live alone.

All right, Herr
General, I'll get a dog.

I wasn't talking about a dog.

I was talking about a wife.

All right, I'll get a...

Wife?

Naturally, I cannot order you

to do something
about your personal life.

No, no, no, no, please,
please, go ahead.

Order, order.

Marrying into the
right kind of family

can do a lot for a man's career.

You're absolutely
right, Herr General.

It can do everything.

Do you remember Captain Haldman?

Haldman?

Oh, yes.

He was in my graduating class.

The class idiot,
we used to call him.

The idiot has just
been made general.

He married Field
Marshal Keitel's niece.

Is that so?

Oh, well, of course
when I used the word idiot,

I was merely using
a figure of speech.

What I meant to say
was... He is an idiot!

But it just shows you

what making the right kind of
marriage can do for someone.

That's all I have to say.

General Burkhalter,
I want to thank you

for bringing this
to my attention.

Not at all.

Oh, by the way...

Yes, sir?

My sister and niece

will be visiting with me.

I'd like you to meet them.

Naturally, Herr General.

I would be delighted to
meet your sister and niece.

Delighted.

We got to get
Ferguson off pretty soon.

The underground says

they can only wait
two or three more days.

Well, we can't do a thing

while Klink roams
around at night

and the guards have
to be on their toes.

See you later.

Oh, Ferguson wants
some Worcestershire sauce

for his cheeseburgers.

Woostershire.

Hi, Colonel.

General Burkhalter
just left here.

Oh. The Russian front?

Worse, much worse.

He wants me to marry his niece.

That's bad?

Did you hear what I said?

Burkhalter's niece.

Did you ever stop to think

she might be a beauty?

Ha! It's more likely she
looks like Burkhalter.

Oh.

And if she isn't
something awful,

why would Burkhalter practically
blackmail me into marrying her?

She's got to be a monster.

Uh, don't do
anything hasty, sir.

Why don't you get
a good night's sleep?

Things will look
differently in the morning.

Sleep?

I won't close my eyes

all night long.

I was afraid of that.

What did Captain Ferguson
order for breakfast today?

Waffles and sausages,
and a cheese omelet,

and potato pancakes
with applesauce.

Oh, boy, that Ferguson
is living the life of Riley.

That's right.

That bloke Riley must
have some appetite.

Yeah, and the war's
going to be over

before we get
Ferguson out of here.

There's nothing we can do.

Our unhappy Commandant
was prowling the grounds

again last night.

Uh-oh.

Looks like we got company.

Good morning,
General Burkhalter.

Good morning.

Colonel Klink, this
is my niece Lottie.

How do you do?

And this is my

sister, Mrs. Linkmyer.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Your quarters are ready

right next to the General

in the VIP section.

That is very kind
of you, Colonel.

I hope we don't put
you to too much trouble.

No trouble at all.

May I show you

around the camp?

The ladies just arrived, Klink.

I'm sure they would
like to freshen up.

You can show them around later.

Oh, I understand, sir.

Till we meet again.

Well, Colonel, I must say

the niece doesn't look a bit

like Burkhalter.

She is a goddess!

Mm-hmm.

And don't use her name

in the same breath with his!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Get those men cleaned up.

It'll be the cooler

for every man

who doesn't sparkle and shine.

You know it's a funny
thing about Klink.

He's nasty even when he's happy.

Yeah, but he'll
sleep tonight, sir.

You bet he will.

Let's break the bad
news to Ferguson.

Ja, and with dispatch!

Ah.

Well...

what do you think
of our Colonel Klink?

He looks like a dead fish.

I was not asking you, Lottie.

I was asking your mother.

Well, Gertrude?

I don't know.

It seems to me I should be
able to do better than a Colonel.

If I would consider
marriage at all,

why not a lieutenant general?

I will tell you why, Gertrude.

In the first place, you
are no spring chicken!

Albert!

In the second place,
you are no great beauty.

Albert!

There are very few
unmarried men around

and quite a few widows.

I am not a widow!

My husband was
reported missing in action.

On the Russian front,

"missing in action"
makes you a widow

beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I haven't made up my
mind about Colonel Klink.

I have to know him better.

I still say he looks
like a dead fish.

You'd better be nice to him.

That dead fish
might be your father.

Ja.

And, Hogan, I suppose you know

a good deal about, uh...

I mean, you've had
a lot of experience...

What I mean to say is...

You want to know
if I'm a ladies' man.

That's it exactly.

Well, I can take 'em
or leave 'em alone.

To be honest with you,

I've taken more
than I've left alone.

That's what I thought.

Hogan, I want to ask
some advice from you.

All right.

The most important
thing to remember

when you're romancing a girl,

especially in the early stages,

is the billing and cooing,

the tender things
you whisper in her ear.

What things?

Lies.

The bigger, the better.

Colonel Hogan!

Every girl likes to look up
to the man that she loves.

To respect, admire, idolize him.

Let's face it.

No man on his own record

can live up to that.

So, he's got to make
up another record,

to appear ten feet
tall to the girl he loves.

It's the name of the game.

Out of the question.

Colonel Hogan, you Americans
may make love that way,

but we Germans, well,
we have a code of honor,

especially with women.

I will not lie.

Colonel, any man that won't lie

to the woman he loves

doesn't deserve to have her.

Come in.

Mrs. Linkmyer!

Where's the rest of you?

I mean, your daughter?

The general is showing
her around the camp.

I wanted to talk
to you by myself.

Oh, yes, of course,
by all means.

Well, I'll be going.

Uh, no, no, Hogan, wait.

You haven't
finished your filing.

Filing?

You know how I
feel about filing.

Oh, filing. Filing.

Oh, Mrs. Linkmyer,
please, sit down.

I believe that the
general talked to you

about a little matter.

Yes, he did. He certainly did.

With his very own mouth.

So, naturally, there
are certain questions

I must ask you,
do you understand?

Oh, yes.

If I were in your place,

I would do exactly
the same thing.

Please feel free
to ask me anything.

Do you drink or gamble?

Never! Isn't that right, Hogan?

Oh, right, right, never.

Good.

Now, who do you think

should handle the
money in the family,

the husband or the wife?

Who? Who?

Uh, the Commandant,

as a soldier,
feels that the wife

should handle the money.

He'll handle the war.

I've heard him say
that hundreds of times.

That's right. That
is what I said.

Very well expressed.

I thought so myself.

Excuse me, Herr Kommandant.

You told me to tell you
as soon as they got here.

They are here!

The daughter and... the mother.

I know.

Is there anything else...

Schultz?

No, Herr Kommandant.

That's all.

Colonel Klink, we
will talk more later.

Meanwhile,

I think it's fair to tell you

that my daughter
does not like you.

She doesn't like me?

I'm sure she will come
around, but naturally,

there can be no
question of a marriage

without her approval.

Naturally.

Now, shall we join the others?

By all means.

She doesn't like me!

Lottie does not like me.

Commandant, just put
yourself in my hands.

I'll have you goose-stepping

to "Here Comes the Bride"

before you know it.

Hmm.

Herr Kommandant.

Colonel Hogan, this is hopeless.

Why should a beautiful girl

like Lottie love
someone like me?

It won't be someone
like you she'll love.

It'll be the image we create.

I don't want her to fall
in love with an image.

I want her to fall in love
with me, Colonel Klink.

Well, that's doing
it the hard way.

Now, first thing,

I've prepared a list
of sure-fire pitches,

romantic pitches
that work every time.

Every time you get her alone,

you just throw one
of these pitches at her.

"I am only a simple
soldier, Lottie,

"and all I can offer
you is the simple heart

of a simple soldier."

You think she'll like that?

It's beautiful!

Here's another one.

Never misses.

You'll love it.

"Until I met you, Lottie,

"I never really saw a
sunset or heard a bird sing.

"You're my first
thought in the morning,

"and my last thought at night.

"If a sniper's bullet
should take me,

you would be my
last thought in life."

Oh.

These really work?

You see what it's
doing to Schultz.

You should see
how it works on girls.

Let me see.

Come in.

Colonel Hogan.

Colonel, how's the romance going

with the fair Lottie?

It's not going anyplace.

Why not?

Aren't you using those
sure-fire lines I gave you?

How can I use them?

I'm never alone with Lottie.

The mother is always there.

Oh, I'm alone with
the mother a lot,

but never with Lottie
without the mother.

You got a problem.

Yeah, this calls for
higher-echelon thinking.

Soft lights, romantic music

and a French dinner.

And where are you
going to get all this?

Leave that to me.

We've got to write a
dinner invitation to Lottie.

I'll dictate it.

All right, all right.

"My darling girl,

"I want very much to see you.

"Please come to
my place for dinner.

"My lips tremble

"with the question
I must ask you

"and ask you alone.

Please say you will come."

Sign that, "Your devoted slave."

Colonel Hogan,

do you really talk
to girls like this?

Sure.

And you get results?

Every time.

I just don't understand it.

Miss Linkmyer, I have a
letter from Colonel Klink.

I will take it.

Yeah, uh, Baron
von Klink wanted me

to deliver it to you.

Baron von Klink?

Klink is a baron?

Son of a gun, I wasn't
supposed to mention it.

The Colonel is a baron?

Well, yeah, but during wartime
he doesn't want to be known

as an aristocrat,
just a soldier.

What a wonderful attitude.

Yeah, well, that's
the kind of man he is.

I mean, he never even
mentions his decorations,

like the, uh, uh,
the Iron Cross,

or the Imperial Legion of Merit,

or the Victoria Cross.

The Victoria Cross? Mm-hmm.

But is not that a
British decoration?

Well, yeah, but even the
British admire a brave man.

And to think that I said
he looked like a dead fish.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't
mention it to him

or anyone else.

Oh, no, I won't.

But can I tell my mother?

No, especially your mother, no.

I understand.

If she is going to marry him,

it should be for what he is,

not what he was.

She's gonna marry him?

Your mama?

Well, it is not definite yet,

but, uh, my uncle,
General Burkhalter,

says that the Colonel is
anxious to marry Mama,

and now, I approve, too.

Oh, boy.

Miss Linkmyer, I think

I've made a mistake.

Can I have that note back?

Oh, no mistake.

The Colonel has
invited Mama for dinner.

What a nice surprise for Mama.

What a nice surprise
for Colonel Klink.

Schultz, have another
bottle of champagne ready.

Jawohl, Herr Baron.

I mean, Herr Kommandant.

Hogan, you have
done a very good job.

Everything looks
absolutely splendid.

Thanks, sir.

The only thing is, it
isn't really necessary.

General Burkhalter
has assured me

that the lady
returns my affection,

and you have gone

through a lot of
trouble for nothing.

Not that I don't
appreciate it, mind you.

Colonel,

why don't you
tell him the truth?

I can't.

It would be too painful.

Besides, he's going
to find out anyway.

Yeah, I never thought
I'd feel sorry for Klink.

Never mind, never
mind, I'll get it.

It's Lottie, my darling Lottie.

Don't get your hopes too high.

It might be someone else.

Who else could it be?

Who else, indeed.

Come in, my darling, come in...

Mrs. Linkmyer!

Come, come, Wilhelm.

You must call me Gertrude.

I must?

Of course.

A husband and wife
can't be so formal.

Even though you have
not asked me the question

that is trembling on your lips.

Husband? Wife?

I must say, I was very angry

at first, when the
General told me

about his matchmaking,

but once I got to
know you, Wilhelm...

Hogan?

I'm helping Schultz
chill the champagne.

Me, too.

What a lovely place

you have here, Wilhelm.

I think I will make
only a few changes.

The drapes will go first,

and then-then we
could get new furniture.

Oh, just think, Wilhelm...

Our own little love nest.

Oh, I know you two
want to be alone.

Come on, fellows. KLINK: Hogan!

Schultz, set another place.

You would have liked my
husband Otto very much.

Mind you, not that

he didn't have some
very bad habits,

but I shouldn't say
anything against him.

He was lost in the
Russian Front, you know.

Maybe you knew him.

Was he the one they
called Lucky Otto?

I don't remember anyone
ever calling him that.

Maybe it was some
other Lucky Otto.

Wilhelm,

what do you think
of a spring wedding?

Not much.

If you don't mind me saying so,

I think you should get married
right away, like tomorrow.

Hogan, I'm going
to have you shot,

and no court-martial in
the world would convict me.

Tomorrow?

Why so soon?

Well, I figure it'd
give you a chance

to get to know each other,

enjoy a few golden
moments before...

Before what?

Colonel, do you think
it's fair to keep it secret?

Why don't you tell her?

Tell her what?

You naughty boy!

Are you keeping
secrets from me already?

Now, what is it?

I'm going to tell
her if you don't.

The Colonel has
volunteered for service

at the Russian Front,
leaves next week.

What?

Why does everybody I know
volunteer for the Russian front?

What is the big
attraction there?

I don't know.

I'm sure there's something.

Well, I will tell you one
thing, Colonel Klink.

I am not going to
be a widow again.

The engagement is
off, and that is final!

That's it.

I would not do it.

It's ridiculous!

My God, it's crazy.

Hogan, you have just
done me a great favor.

I would like to do
something for you.

All I can ask is, you
get a good night's sleep.

I am going to sleep like a baby.

That's all I wanted to hear.