Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 29 - The Assassin - full transcript

CBS presents this
program in color.

Ah, General Burkhalter!

What a great pleasure!
I had no idea...

Of course you
had no idea, Klink.

No one must have any idea.

You understand that?

Perfectly. No one
must have any idea.

Idea of what, sir?

Achtung!

Kommandant Klink,
this is Dr. Vanetti.

You will set up an office
for him in Stalag 13.



Dr. Vanetti, a great pleasure.

I shall be your first patient.

My stomach... in the
afternoons, particularly right here.

He's not that type
of a doctor, Klink.

Oh. Well, I suppose
it's not that serious.

It is most serious, Klink.

Most serious.

And you will pay attention!

I cannot work here.
There's too much noise.

Dr. Vanetti, please, sit down.

Sit down, please, please.

It is most quiet here.

Like a church!

I promise you.



Klink? Shh, shh!
Like a church, sir.

The prisoners make, uh,
uh, twittering noises like birds.

I've tamed them.

I cannot stand birds.

There are no birds here!

There are no birds
here, only quiet.

You will see that he
gets complete quiet, Klink.

Absolute quiet, absolute quiet.

Dr. Vanetti is
doing very secret,

very delicate type of research,

on what, even I do not know,

and if I did, I
wouldn't tell you.

Oh, but, Herr
General, we don't have

any laboratory facilities here.

We have brought
along what he will need.

Mostly, I only need paper.

Paper. And pencil.

Pencil. Fraulein Helga!

And quiet.

Quiet. I beg your
pardon, Herr Doctor.

Yes, Herr Kommandant?

Fraulein Helga, we
cannot be disturbed!

Klink!

I cannot work here.

I promise you.

In the old days at
Gottingen, it was peaceful.

Even in the cafe, it was quiet.

Sometimes, I would sit all night

with Fermi and Hoterman
and Szilard... but now...

they bomb by day
and they bomb by night.

Those barbarians!

Every inch of Germany.

Ah, ah, ah.

Every inch but here.

Here, there is absolute
peace and security.

Dr. Vanetti, you will
be completely safe here.

We got to kill him.

Kill him?

Kill him, Colonel?

You heard me.

Just doesn't sound
like us, Colonel.

Hey, why don't we make such
a ruddy row, he just can't work?

Yeah. What could he be
doing that's so dangerous

with a paper and pencil?

You didn't hear him?

He said he was at the
University of Gottingen

with Fermi,
Hoterman and Szilard.

Those are atomic scientists.

Gottingen was the
center for atomic research.

With this paper and pencil,
he could devise a bomb

that could lose us the war.

I need a volunteer.

Right! For garbage detail.

Who is it?

Schultz, don't bother us.

We got to kill a man.

Oh, ho, ho, ho...

You've got to kill a man.

You know somebody for the job?

As a matter of fact, I do.

Yeah? Who?

Yesterday, an assassin

of the Army of General de Gaulle

was dropped from an
airplane over Germany.

They say he was supposed to kill

some of the highest
officials of the Third Reich.

Why he wanted to
do it, I don't know.

How'd you hear about him?

Was he captured, brought in?

Captured and sent to Stalag 16.

Oh.

However,

you merely have to go to
the Kommandant of Stalag 16

and tell him your
need for this... loan...

of an assassin!

That's it!

Lebeau, you know
how to get there.

Take Carter with you.
You go out tonight. Right.

Hogan... Newkirk, Kinch.

Colonel Hogan,

you are joking?

Colonel Hogan, you are joking?

Colonel Hogan, I was joking!

Schultz, I'd love to
have you stick around,

but we've got a job to
do. Now, look, Kinch...

I-I-I-I-I-I-I hear nothing!

I see nothing! Nothing!

We're near the tunnel entrance.

I give the signal
when all is clear.

They open up from inside.

Formidable. A pleasure
to escape into your camp.

Merci, Sergeant.

What about him?

LeBEAU: Make one last attempt.

We cannot bring
him back into camp.

Colonel Hogan will murder us.

Colonel Crittendon.

Eh? What's the hold-up, Carter?

Shh! We can't figure out
which way to go, Colonel.

Out of Germany, man,
quickest way possible.

Uh, yes, sir, but,
see, we thought

if-if you'd go out that
way, see, reconnoiter...

That's not the way at all.

Lucky I came on this escape.

You've been turned
around since we left 16.

Yes, sir. Sure was lucky.

Just follow me, man.

Shh!

Following you.

Halt!

Wer ist da?

Oh, blast!

All clear, Colonel.

Great, just great.

It's been ten minutes
since the shots.

Did they all get caught?

Hello, here's Kinch.

What happened?

Well... that's a good
question, Colonel.

We did get Sergeant
Garreaux out of Stalag 16.

It was a beautiful operation.

You want to hear about it?

No, I don't want
to hear about it.

This officer just
insisted on coming along.

What do I care?
Where's Garreaux?

Well, we had a little
trouble... outside.

Garreaux got captured.

Again. But the
officer got through.

Dandy.

As a matter of
fact, here he is now.

Most ingenious. Most ingenious.

Oh, it can't be.

Hogan, old boy.

Good to see you again.

I say, fantastic operation
you've got going down there.

Absolutely fantastic.

Why didn't you tell me about
it when I was here before, eh?

Colonel Crittendon,
at that time,

you said the only duty of a
prisoner of war was to escape,

and if we were engaged
in any more than that,

you'd tell the Germans.

I said that?

Yes, I suppose I did.

Still, should've told
me about it, though.

All right, I am telling you.

We have the most dangerous
man in Germany in camp right now.

We were bringing
in a trained assassin

from Stalag 16 to kill him.

Instead of that, you tag along!

The whole operation
gets snafued,

and our man gets captured.

Now, I suppose
you'll want to tell Klink.

Why would I do
a thing like that?

Because this and everything
else we're doing in this camp

is completely against
what prisoners of war

"are supposed to do".

Precisely! That's what makes
it such a smashing good show.

Now, tell me about this
chap I'm going to do in?

You're going to do him in?

Well, all in a day's soldiering.

I mean, uh, can't make an omelet

without breaking a
few eggs, can we, wot?

Colonel Crittendon, you've
had actual field experience?

Tied to a desk job
my whole career,

so I could use a keen
young fellow like Carter here

and all those firecrackers
he's got down in the cellar.

Oh, we've got enough
stuff down there

to blow up a
whole battalion, sir.

Maybe you could put something
in his vichyssoise, Colonel?

Oh, bonny day.

Uh, popping him into
a nice tub of warm ale

would be a bit
more British-like, sir.

All right, hold it!

What's up, old boy?

This is probably
the biggest thing

we're going to do
during the entire war,

and we're not going to run it
like a high school production

of Arsenic and Old Lace.

Is that clear?

Perfectly.

What about a pygmy blowpipe?

Tipped with cobra venom.

Not with a crossbow!

Lovely weapon.

What's the matter with a gun?

Far too noisy.

Boy, this really works, Colonel.

Silent killer.

I'd like to form a battalion
of these when I get home.

Crittendon's Crossbow...
if they don't put me

back behind a desk, of course.

Uh, care for a shot?

No thanks, I'm on duty.

Now, look, I just found
out Vanetti's having dinner

with Klink tonight
in his quarters,

in fact, in about 20 minutes.

I'll get in there and maneuver
him in front of the window.

Right. How will I know him?

You know me, and you know Klink.

He'll be the one you don't know.

I say... jolly good.

There'll be diversion at
the other end of the camp.

That'll draw off the guards.

You'll get time for one shot.

Make it count.

Right. Good as done.

Uh, do you have any carrots?

Carrots?

Hmm. Touch of night blindness.

Nothing to worry about.

It's good as done.

I can't stand it.

Carter.

All set?

Yeah. They'll sound
like a war, Colonel.

All right, five
minutes, take off.

Crittendon.

You know your post.

Right. All right, look,

wait 60 seconds after
the diversion starts.

I'll get Vanetti to the window.

Right.

All right, take off.

Good as done.

Which way?

That way.

Right.

Crittendon...

Right. Ooh!

And, uh, I trust things
are proceeding well

with your little
project, Dr. Vanetti?

Klink, what do you
know about my project?

I know nothing, nothing at all.

I just asked if
things went well.

Even that is a most
dangerous question.

Of course. I
understand completely.

Do you?

No! I do not understand.

I know nothing.

I understand nothing.

Have confidence.

We cannot be disturbed.

Terribly sorry, Colonel Klink.

Colonel Hogan, out at once!

Thought you'd want to know...

I do not want to know...

What?

I got wind of an escape attempt.

Knowing it would fail, I
don't want my men to get hurt.

They will not try.

There can never be an
escape from Stalag 13.

Dismissed! I suppose
you're right, sir.

I'm, uh, sorry for intruding.

I-I didn't catch your name...

Dismissed!

What's that?

Sounds like firecrackers.

Aha! Pistol fire...
That's what it is.

An escape attempt.

Gallant fools.

I must go at once,

but I cannot leave
you here alone.

I'll stay. I mean, I'm
a coward anyway.

But I cannot leave you with him!

Why?

I cannot tell you why.

I do not know why.

That's why!

Klink, you promised me quiet.

You shall have absolute
quiet, Dr. Vanetti.

Sound the alarm!
Prisoners are escaping!

Wait, wait, wait,
Colonel, please!

What are you doing?!

Only your presence can stop it!

That's right.

What shall I do?

Leave... quietly.

I shall return.

You can see it all
from the window, uh...

Now... I must talk to
you, Colonel Hogan.

Me? Ja.

That is why I arranged
to be brought here.

I heard of your activities
through the underground.

I want you to get
me out of Germany.

I thought you were working
on the atomic bomb for them.

The secret's in here, young man.

The secrets of the atomic
bomb are far too terrible

to be entrusted to Herr Hitler.

Can you get me to England?

We can do it, yes.

Good. We must plan quickly.

He'll be coming back
soon... No, Doctor...

You know, they were firecrack...

What are you doing down there?

What is it?

I don't know.

Did you ever do anything
nasty to Robin Hood?

Schultz, Schultz!

They have tracked me
down, Klink... even here.

Dr. Vanetti, I assure you,
you are absolutely safe here.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Schultz, did you see anyone
in the compound just now?

Anyone shooting arrows?

Shooting arrows?

No, Herr Kommandant,
but this afternoon,

the prisoners were
pitching horseshoes.

Schultz! Take Dr. Vanetti
down to his quarters

under heavy guard at once.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

And I want four sentries
posted 24 hours a day, Schultz.

It shall be done,
Herr Kommandant.

Dr. Vanetti, I promise you,

you will be
absolutely safe there.

Herr Kommandant, you
have a hole in your cap.

I know... I know.

Dismissed.

Good night,
Dr. Vanetti. Sleep well.

Diabolical!

But how did they
know that he was here?

That's easy. They didn't.

What are you saying, Hogan?

No one knew he was here,

but everybody knows you're here.

But who would be after me?

Ah, it's not fair
of me to guess.

Who? Who?

You know how they hate
to fire a man to his face.

What?

Not the Gestapo!

But why?

It may not even be personal.

Just a small purge.

I've got to be running along.

Um... sleep tight, Commandant.

Crittendon, lay off.
He's on our side.

Oldest trick in
the world, old boy,

now that he knows
we're onto him.

He told me this
before you shot him.

You see? Devilishly clever,
but we'll get him next time.

High explosive.
That's the ticket.

Crittendon...

Carter!

Boy...

Boy, that stuff's
a little unstable.

Carter, you're shooting off the
stuff right under Klink's office.

Too many shots
too close to the head,

that's what it is.

Sorry, chaps, can't stand
in the way of progress.

Carter, back to
the old laboratory.

Crittendon, what if I
give you a direct order?

Have to disregard
it, I'm afraid, old chap.

Have you on day to
rank. After you, Carter.

You're not going to let him
get away with that, Colonel?

You've got to stop him, gov'ner.

Tell us what to do, Colonel.

What happened to that crossbow?

Colonel Hogan, I
have been thinking

about what you
suggested last night,

and I reject it completely.

About the Gestapo.

They would have no reason

to include me in a
blood purge of any sort.

You're right.

I am? Mm-hmm.

Sometimes they draw
names out of a hat.

Keeps everyone on his toes.

No!

However, there have been
some, uh, explosions this morning...

underground.

Do you have an
explanation for that?

I certainly do.

Well?

You rejected it.

You mean they are tunneling
underground to blow me up?

Well, that's utterly fantastic!

Yes, it is. Is there
anything else?

Wait!

Whoever it is,
they're getting closer.

Colonel Hogan,
what am I going to do?

Don't tell me you haven't
got a plan for this, Colonel.

Well, it had to come sometime.

What, what?

Why don't you get out of
camp for a while, go to Berlin?

Berlin?

Won't General
Burkhalter protect you?

Of course he'd protect me.

He has the greatest
respect for me.

Didn't he entrust
me with Dr. Vanetti?

You're right. You'll
take Vanetti with you.

You can't leave him here.

I'll take him along.
I can't leave him.

Soon as it gets dark, of course.

Soon as it gets dark, of course.

And, naturally, you'll
both be in disguise.

Both in disguise.

Boy, I have to hand it to you.

You had it planned all along.

Psst!

All right, look, keep your
collar up and your cap down.

You're, uh, you're sure
this is a better way, Hogan?

Better? It's perfect.

Forged papers from Berlin,
our own men in the staff car.

All you have to do is take
Vanetti out and let him have it.

Just, um... let him have it.

Close range.

Fire the entire clip,
just to make sure.

Eh, right.

Um, you're sure
he's not on our side?

Crittendon, I couldn't
fight your logic.

Let's go. Quite.

There's the staff car.

I'll check to see
if Vanetti's in it.

But Hogan...

Oh, yes, better
say good-bye here.

After you let him have it,
just take off across country.

After you get back to England,

they don't dare put you
behind a desk again.

Yes, I dare say...
Ice water, Crittendon.

What?

Just what you've got
in your veins: ice water.

Good luck.

Colonel Klink?

What? Oh, Hogan.

Excellent disguise, sir,
but, uh, are you aware

Dr. Vanetti is wandering around
the compound looking for you?

Impossible! I just sent
Schultz in to get him.

Had a little mix-up.

He came out when
you took the guard off.

I'll get him. Well,
be quick about it.

And good luck, sir.
You'll be back in no time.

Why, I, uh... Hogan...

I'm going, I'm
going. Your disguise.

Oh.

Herr Kommandant!

Herr Kommandant!

Mr. Vanetti's gone!

Schultz. Don't worry
about it, Schultz.

Why shouldn't I worry?

He is gone! What is happening?

I wouldn't tell another
soul, but I'm going to tell you.

Now, it'll take a little time,
so pay close attention.

No, no, no, no, no,
no. I know nothing.

I don't want to know
nothing. I see nothing!

I see nothing!

Dr. Vanetti, why did you
ask the driver to pull over?

The game won't work, old boy.

I'm not Vanetti.
You are. You're not?

Gestapo! Oh, I-I-I assure
you, I am completely loyal.

This, uh, this disguise...
It's-it's just a lark.

Actually, I was on my way
to Berlin to join the Party.

I say, you're...
you're not Vanetti.

You're... you're Klink.

Of course I am.

Heart and soul with
our glorious leader,

ah, dating back to
the year when the...

Haven't we met before?

Uh, must've been
two other chaps.

I, uh, I just remembered
an appointment.

Guard! Driver!

He's an escapee from Stalag 16!

Capture him!

I have been tricked... somehow!

You're all set, Doctor:
papers, money.

You'll get through
to England all right.

Ja, ja, I will get
through to England.

I'm only sorry that you had
to sacrifice a man for me.

Crittendon? We
didn't sacrifice him.

Made sure the guards
had blanks in their guns.

Ah. Good.

He may make it
through, but I doubt it.

He just doesn't have
a talent for escaping.

Well, it's almost
time. Klink'll be back.

Want to make sure we blow
up your lab before he gets here.

Well, then, I shall say danke
schon und wiederschen.

Good. Uh, Dr. Vanetti?

Uh, forgive my, uh,
professional curiosity, sort of,

but do you think our side

will ever come up
with the atomic bomb?

I hope not.

T'would be noisy.

Very noisy.

Incredible.

And you have found
no trace of him, Klink?

None. General Burkhalter,

you cannot imagine the
force of this explosion.

A victim of his own
evil designs for mankind,

if I may say so, General.

You may not!

How can he be so brainy

and dummkopf enough
to blow himself up?

And from you, Colonel Hogan,

I shall want straight
answers to many questions.

Many.

I agree with you, sir.

Why don't we go talk it over

with General
Burkhalter right now?

Eh... forget it.