Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 28 - I Look Better in Basic Black - full transcript
Three American women show up at Stalag 13 and Hogan wants to know why.
CBS presents this
program in color.
All right, everybody. All right.
Mach schnell, schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell!
All right, everybody.
Everybody, all right.
Hey, Schultz,
what's going on here?
We're not having a party.
Order of Colonel Klink,
all prisoners from Barracks
3 have to be moved in here.
Do these guys
have a reservation?
This is no way to run a hotel.
I'm writing a letter
to the Red Cross.
And I'm going to write a letter
to The Times, straightaway.
All right, all right,
hold it, hold it.
Hold it. Hold it.
What's our jolly
innkeeper up to now?
Komm... Well...
Kommandant Klink
wants to make room
for three more prisoners.
That's all I know.
Is that all?
For goodness sakes.
Oh, I'm sorry, Schultz,
would you care for some?
I can't eat it
all... I'm on a diet.
On you, it wouldn't show.
Chocolate, huh?
Mm, chocolate.
What about those three
new prisoners, Schultz?
Three Americans.
They're on their way
to a maximum
security prison in Berlin.
They need a whole
barracks for that?
The Gestapo doesn't
want them to talk to anyone.
They must know something
pretty important, huh?
Maybe they do, but
me, I know nothing.
Noth...
Mmm, nothing.
Come in, come in.
Ah, Hogan.
I understand you wish
to register a compliant
because we're moving
more men into your barracks?
Yes, sir.
Well, if you're not happy here,
why don't you try
another foolish escape?
Escape?
Who'd want to leave all this?
Hogan, you're wasting my time.
Your men will have to
suffer a little inconvenience.
You know, overcrowding is
against the Geneva convention.
Also under the rules of
the Geneva convention,
I am not obliged to
share my cookies with you.
I forgot to read that part, sir.
Come in, come in.
Herr Kommandant.
Captain Heinrich is here
and the three Americans
are waiting in the truck.
What? What?
Women.
Women?
Women!
Women.
The prisoners are women?
We are not set up for women.
Why wasn't I notified?
This is impossible.
Always Berlin sends
their problems to Klink.
That's what you get
for being Mr. Nice Guy.
Schultz, take these
women off the truck
and move them to Barracks 3.
There's plenty of room
in my place, Schultz.
Move the girls in with me.
Jawohl... Schultz!
When do I get to
interrogate them, sir?
You seem to forget
they are my prisoners.
Now, Schultz,
I want you to put them
under maximum security,
and send Captain Heinrich in.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Hogan, dismissed.
Hold it a minute, will ya?!
Come on.
It's only temporary.
Say, who are those three
new prisoners, anyway?
Well, they've
got to be officers.
Blimey, they always
get the icing off the cake.
No offense, sir.
They're not officers.
They're maximum
security prisoners.
They must have some
valuable information
or the Krauts wouldn't
be moving them to Berlin.
Information about what?
We won't know until
we make contact.
How are we going to do that?
By digging out that
old tunnel to Barracks 3.
Dig and dig. That's all we do.
All right, hold it,
hold it, will ya?
Now we've dug an
ingenious tunnel system,
and I'm proud of you.
And I know you'll pitch in
and dig just one more
with the proper spirit.
I didn't join the RAF to
become a ruddy gopher.
I hate tunnels.
I never even rode on the Metro.
Look, I can't order
you to dig this tunnel.
I'm asking for volunteers.
Oh, I see.
That's the way it's
going to be, huh?
All right, I'll just have
to figure another way
to make contact
with those three girls.
Girls? Girls? Girls?
Sir, I hereby volunteer
for King and Empire.
Moi aussi.
Lafayette, I am here.
I could be trampled to death
by this sudden
display of patriotism.
We British, sir, have
always felt very friendly
towards you people
in the colonies.
Oh, yeah?
Where were you when we sent them
the Statue of Liberty?
How long did it take us
to dig that tunnel to
the barbed wire fence?
Well, we used eight
men, and as I remember,
it took us about... 16 hours.
Yeah, 16 hours.
All right, this is
twice the distance.
How long will it take
to get to the girls?
About an hour-and-a-half, sir.
I wouldn't let
you dig this alone.
Well, with help, 20 minutes.
Look, this is a
military mission,
not a friendship club.
So, I'm going to
talk to the girls.
That's a bit cheeky,
even for an officer.
Do you know how long its
been since I've seen a woman?
It's been even longer for me.
Yeah, but I'm French.
Couldn't we just
shake hands with them?
It would be the firing squad
if you fellows were
caught with the girls.
You weren't... I'm not going
to let you risk your lives.
You weren't that worried
when you sent me out
there to cut that barbed wire.
Making contact with those girls
could be the turning
point in the war.
It would be for me.
Then I can count on
you to dig the tunnel?
You can count on me, sir.
With me bare hands if necessary.
Me, too.
Just digging within
four feet of a woman
is better than never
to have loved at all.
I'd sure like to know what
they're going to do with us?
I wouldn't.
I'd feel a lot better
if we didn't have
that Captain Heinrich
for a den mother.
Yes, he's seen too many
Erich von Stroheim movies.
Who's Erich von Stroheim?
He was before your time, dear.
Shh.
Quiet.
Okay, come on.
Hey!
Wait a minute, hold it.
I'm an American and a veteran.
We thought you were a German.
Germans come through the door.
Americans come
through the floor.
Now look, mister,
we... Hold it, hold it.
Hi. Colonel Robert E. Hogan,
U.S. Army Air
Corps, semiretired.
I'm Charlene Hemsley,
adagio dancer.
I'm Ginger Wilson,
and this is Kathy Pruitt.
She certainly is.
Has anybody
interrogated you yet?
That one guard sort
of got a little fresh.
No, they just
dumped us in here, and
we haven't seen anybody yet.
Good. Look, according
to the Geneva convention,
you're not required to give
anything but your name,
your unit and the
key you sing in.
Should I tell them
I'm double-jointed?
Only under extreme torture.
How long will they keep us here?
They'll be moving
you out any minute.
All right, now, listen,
this is important.
Why are the Krauts so
interested in you three,
aside from the obvious reasons?
Beats me.
We don't know.
We really can't figure it out.
You see, we were doing
our act for this infantry outfit
when there was an attack.
Well, we jumped into a jeep,
and we thought we were
heading for headquarters.
Well, the next thing
we knew, there we were
hiding in an underground
shelter surrounded by Germans.
What was in the shelter?
A lot of very fresh soldiers.
Boy, was it scary.
There were these
long, thin shells.
They looked like torpedoes.
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
With, like, little
wings on them.
Sort of like something
out of Buck Rogers.
Torpedoes with wings...
Buck Rogers...
Rockets.
I was with them for two years.
Not Rockettes, dear.
Rockets.
A rocket base.
That's what the
Krauts are hiding.
Where was it? Don't ask me.
I couldn't even find my
way out of a telephone booth.
How long did it
take you to get here?
It was about four
hours. Yeah, right.
By autobahn? Highway?
It was a very bumpy road.
A few minutes after we started,
we passed through a small town.
There was a cathedral
with, like, a real tall spire.
Yeah, that's Hofberg.
It's about 80 miles
due east of here.
By truck, four hours
would be just about right.
Welcome to Stalag 13, ladies.
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Newkirk's the name, ladies,
but you can call me Peter.
Voilà.
A little bouquet to
brighten up your room.
He's a magician.
I was held over two
weeks in Blackpool.
Don't tell me, I know.
Back in the tunnel.
♪ Yankee Doodle came to town ♪
♪ Riding on a pony. ♪
We don't need a concert, LeBeau.
Both of you, back in the tunnel.
Now, sir, I'm not
going to let you
take the risk all on your own.
We're in this together...
The Union Jack and the
Star Spangled Banner.
And let's not forget
the Statue of Liberty.
You're cute.
Hey, Colonel,
are you authorized to
perform wedding ceremonies?
Newkirk?
Will you give the bride away?
My pleasure...
The door.
Who is it?
It's me, Sergeant Schultz.
Oh. Oh, come in, Sergeant.
Guten Morgen, Frauleins.
I'm Sergeant Schultz.
Very happy to
meet you, Sergeant.
Eins... zwei...
Where is drei?
Oh, uh, well, she's
changing, Sergeant.
I brought you a bottle of wine
to make your stay
here more pleasant.
It was very thoughtful
of you, Sergeant.
Eins... zwei...
drei... vier.
Drei is here.
Oh, Schultz, you're too late.
We already voted.
Colonel Hogan,
what are you doing in here?!
Schultz, we heard the
guards were having a party.
Thank you for bringing the wine.
Please, Colonel Hogan.
I'll bet you Commandant Klink
would take a very dim
view of this, Schultz.
But if you don't tell
him we were here,
we won't tell him you were here.
Where's the corkscrew?
The corkscrew.
No corkscrew!
Back to the barracks
where you belong.
Back, back, back, back!
Frauleins, this is
Kommandant Klink.
Come in.
Good morning, Frauleins.
Good morning, Kommandant.
I hope you're enjoying
your stay with us?
Oh, yes, yes, it's a
very nice place to visit,
but we'd really
hate to live here.
You see, I think we're
allergic to barbed wire, dogs
and German guards.
Ah, ah, ah!
It's all necessary to
maintain the reputation
of Stalag 13
as the toughest POW
camp in all of Germany.
Trick or treat.
What are you doing here?
K-Kommandant,
I-I was inspecting the barracks.
With a bottle of wine?
You came for funny business
with these girls?
Sure, and I suppose you're here
to hold a religious service?
Colonel Hogan, I am holding you
personally responsible for this.
And you, Schultz, will be...
Ah, Captain Heinrich!
Captain Heinrich, I-I...
I suppose you're wondering
why I'm holding this
bottle of wine in my hand.
You are aware, Colonel,
of the non-fraternization
regulations?
I was just explaining that
to these women,
Captain Heinrich.
Say, why don't we all
drink to that regulation?
Silence!
In the interests of
security, Colonel,
I think it is wiser
if I take these girls
out of this camp
as soon as possible.
We will leave tomorrow.
And by whose orders?
They are my prisoners.
I get my orders
directly from Berlin!
Oh, I know him.
He wrote "God Bless America."
I can also tell
you, Colonel Klink,
that my report to Headquarters
will not be flattering to you.
I thought they'd never leave.
Hey, the wine steward is here.
Did you bring the glasses?
Raus!
Killjoy.
Raus!
Last time you work
at one of my parties.
Raus!
Do drop in again.
Raus!
I, uh, just got
radio confirmation
from London, Colonel.
It's all set.
Good. When do they
bomb the rocket site?
Tomorrow at 2300 hours.
Colonel, if they bomb
the emplacement,
they're sure to know
the information
came from the girls.
It won't matter by them.
The girls will be out the
tunnel on their way to London.
Yeah, as soon
as the sub calls in,
I'll arrange for a rendezvous.
Good, good.
You know, I kind of
hate to see them go.
I like the idea of a
coed POW camp.
Hey... Come on up.
Uh-huh. What happened?
It's a cave-in, sir.
Oh. Oh.
Here, sit down.
Are you hurt?
Boy. Where?
It's the new section
of the tunnel,
right near the girls' barracks.
How bad is it?
Complete washout.
You guys didn't brace it enough.
With girls at the other end?
Who stopped for braces?
Can we still reach 'em?
Not without a ruddy bulldozer
you can't, sir.
It'll take days to clear.
If they're going
to bomb tomorrow,
how are we going to get
those girls out tonight?
Well, don't look at me.
I can't help us.
When all else fails, there's
always Colonel Klink.
Schultz, here is a list
of punishments and restrictions
for the prisoners.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
And they can thank you for that.
Shouldn't you check that
with Captain Heinrich?
Check with Captain Heinrich?
You don't want to go
over his head, do you?
Hogan, may I remind you
that I am the
Kommandant of this camp.
Don't remind me.
Remind him.
Dismissed.
Ah, it's no skin off my nose,
if your men are laughing
behind your back.
Hogan, no one laughs
behind Colonel Klink's back!
Look, face the facts.
Since Captain Heinrich has
been running this camp, your men...
Captain Heinrich has not
been running this camp.
All right, but he doesn't care
if those women cause trouble
and ruin Stalag 13's reputation.
What? What?
Forget it.
So what if he did
go over your head
and order those girls
to Berlin tomorrow.
When you know
it would be smarter
to have them
shipped out tonight.
What? What?
It's not important if
those girls cause a riot.
Important?
I will decide what's important.
They're going out tonight!
Schultz, tell Captain Heinrich
that I order him
to move those girls
to Berlin, tonight!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
As for you, I...
Evening, Fritz.
Lovely weather we're having.
Nice night for a
raid on Berlin, what?
Schnell, schnell!
All right, no need
to get huffy, mate.
Just hope to stay
alive, that's all.
All set?
Worked like a charm.
All right. Let's get going
before they load
the girls in the truck.
Sergeant, a bomb!
Sergeant!
A bomb, a bomb.
Sergeant...
Turn off the...
Oh, come on, Bearheart.
Shame on you.
What's all that jazz
about man's best friend?
Don't pad your part.
Hi. Oh, hi, fellas.
You're just in time for
the going-away party.
You're not going.
Tell that to Captain Heinrich.
What do you mean,
we're not going?
Look, I think we can help
you to escape to England
if you're willing
to take a chance.
Anything's better
than being booked
in a German prison
camp for three years.
I'll go along with that.
Me, too.
What's the plan, Colonel?
This is the way it stacks up.
We're going to change
places with the girls.
What?
The three of us go
out in the truck tonight
while the girls hide back here.
Brilliant.
Fantastic. He always
comes up with...
Colonel, what good
does it do the girls
if you guys escape?
Yeah.
After we escape, we
sneak back into camp.
We arrange to have the girls
go out in the dog
truck tomorrow.
Of course. I said
it was brilliant.
Don't you see? It will be easy.
Because half the guards
will be out looking for you.
He's a ruddy genius,
even if he is an officer.
Can you get away with this?
I mean, yeah.
Uh, I may not be
Miss America, but, uh,
I don't look like a fella.
You can say that again.
Ma'am.
All right, let's get going.
No, no, no. Wait, wait.
If-If we change places
with the girls tonight,
then that means that...
I just got it.
So did I.
You want us to
wear their clothes?
You know a better
way to look like women?
Well... Well, that's out.
Forget it.
The articles of war
do not require me
to wear ladies' clothing.
Will you wait a minute?
There's no danger.
It's dark out.
And besides, look what I've got.
Private Ninowski, our
wigmaker, does beautiful work.
Look, Colonel,
I'd rather grab a machine gun
from the guards
and blast our way out.
I'll help you, LeBeau.
Come on.
All right!
I didn't want to do it
this way, but I order you.
Put on their clothes
and these wigs.
And if I disobey the order?
Court-martial and firing squad.
Well, no bandage for my eyes.
Vive la France.
Sir, you can hang me
from the highest yardarm,
but under no circumstances
will we dress as women.
Hey, you guys look
pretty convincing.
Shut up!
Oui, shut up!
If you tell anybody about this,
I will personally
poison your food.
All right, easy, men.
Look, Carter, after we leave,
take the girls back
to our barracks.
R-Right, Colonel.
Keep them out of sight
as much as possible,
because we don't...
You know, Newkirk...
What? You look
good in basic black.
Jawohl.
Fresh!
What's the matter, dear?
It must be her
appendix! Stop the truck!
Stop the truck!
Tell them to stop the truck!
Kathy is sick!
I believe I'm going to faint!
Quick, quick!
What is this?
LeBEAU: It's Kathy!
She's not well!
I think she has the
vapors, whatever that is!
Keep her quiet for the
rest of the trip, or you will...
Oh!
Come on. It's all right?
Yeah, we did pretty well.
You did a great job.
Fine. Let's go! All right...
Wait. Hey, wait a minute.
What's the matter?
Is my mascara running?
Oh.
I don't know. Maybe they
ran into some sort of trouble.
Maybe something
happened. I don't know.
Yeah, maybe his
garter belt snapped.
I don't think that would
have slowed him down.
Well, it's hard to win a war
when your stockings
are falling down.
We're home!
How'd it go?
Oh, piece of cake. Fine, fine.
LeBEAU: Yeah, fine.
Oh, my God.
Colonel...
how can we ever thank you?
Leave your names and
addresses, and after the war,
I'm sure we can
work something out.
Come in.
Now, Colonel Hogan, you
asked permission to see me?
Right, sir.
Request permission for my men
to have extra rations tomorrow.
Why do you want extra rations?
Don't tell me you've forgotten.
It's a holiday.
What holiday?
Armistice Day.
It's the day we beat the
Germans in the First World...
Sorry, sir.
It's in bad taste.
Permission refused.
Colonel, you're
invited to the party.
The men insisted.
Request denied.
I hate a poor loser.
Oh, uh...
what do you hear
from your old boss,
Captain Heinrich?
The Captain you
admire so much, Hogan,
has met with disgrace.
No!
He allowed the three
lady prisoners to escape.
I can't believe it.
And I heard that he was...
overpowered by a lady's handbag.
Did you ever see
what a woman carried
in her purse?
If headquarters would have
left those women with me,
this never would have happened!
What harm can three girls do?
Because of them, the
enemy bombed one
of our most important
experimental stations.
Dismissed.
Rockets? Yes.
Who said rockets?
You did.
But your secret's safe with me.
program in color.
All right, everybody. All right.
Mach schnell, schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell!
All right, everybody.
Everybody, all right.
Hey, Schultz,
what's going on here?
We're not having a party.
Order of Colonel Klink,
all prisoners from Barracks
3 have to be moved in here.
Do these guys
have a reservation?
This is no way to run a hotel.
I'm writing a letter
to the Red Cross.
And I'm going to write a letter
to The Times, straightaway.
All right, all right,
hold it, hold it.
Hold it. Hold it.
What's our jolly
innkeeper up to now?
Komm... Well...
Kommandant Klink
wants to make room
for three more prisoners.
That's all I know.
Is that all?
For goodness sakes.
Oh, I'm sorry, Schultz,
would you care for some?
I can't eat it
all... I'm on a diet.
On you, it wouldn't show.
Chocolate, huh?
Mm, chocolate.
What about those three
new prisoners, Schultz?
Three Americans.
They're on their way
to a maximum
security prison in Berlin.
They need a whole
barracks for that?
The Gestapo doesn't
want them to talk to anyone.
They must know something
pretty important, huh?
Maybe they do, but
me, I know nothing.
Noth...
Mmm, nothing.
Come in, come in.
Ah, Hogan.
I understand you wish
to register a compliant
because we're moving
more men into your barracks?
Yes, sir.
Well, if you're not happy here,
why don't you try
another foolish escape?
Escape?
Who'd want to leave all this?
Hogan, you're wasting my time.
Your men will have to
suffer a little inconvenience.
You know, overcrowding is
against the Geneva convention.
Also under the rules of
the Geneva convention,
I am not obliged to
share my cookies with you.
I forgot to read that part, sir.
Come in, come in.
Herr Kommandant.
Captain Heinrich is here
and the three Americans
are waiting in the truck.
What? What?
Women.
Women?
Women!
Women.
The prisoners are women?
We are not set up for women.
Why wasn't I notified?
This is impossible.
Always Berlin sends
their problems to Klink.
That's what you get
for being Mr. Nice Guy.
Schultz, take these
women off the truck
and move them to Barracks 3.
There's plenty of room
in my place, Schultz.
Move the girls in with me.
Jawohl... Schultz!
When do I get to
interrogate them, sir?
You seem to forget
they are my prisoners.
Now, Schultz,
I want you to put them
under maximum security,
and send Captain Heinrich in.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Hogan, dismissed.
Hold it a minute, will ya?!
Come on.
It's only temporary.
Say, who are those three
new prisoners, anyway?
Well, they've
got to be officers.
Blimey, they always
get the icing off the cake.
No offense, sir.
They're not officers.
They're maximum
security prisoners.
They must have some
valuable information
or the Krauts wouldn't
be moving them to Berlin.
Information about what?
We won't know until
we make contact.
How are we going to do that?
By digging out that
old tunnel to Barracks 3.
Dig and dig. That's all we do.
All right, hold it,
hold it, will ya?
Now we've dug an
ingenious tunnel system,
and I'm proud of you.
And I know you'll pitch in
and dig just one more
with the proper spirit.
I didn't join the RAF to
become a ruddy gopher.
I hate tunnels.
I never even rode on the Metro.
Look, I can't order
you to dig this tunnel.
I'm asking for volunteers.
Oh, I see.
That's the way it's
going to be, huh?
All right, I'll just have
to figure another way
to make contact
with those three girls.
Girls? Girls? Girls?
Sir, I hereby volunteer
for King and Empire.
Moi aussi.
Lafayette, I am here.
I could be trampled to death
by this sudden
display of patriotism.
We British, sir, have
always felt very friendly
towards you people
in the colonies.
Oh, yeah?
Where were you when we sent them
the Statue of Liberty?
How long did it take us
to dig that tunnel to
the barbed wire fence?
Well, we used eight
men, and as I remember,
it took us about... 16 hours.
Yeah, 16 hours.
All right, this is
twice the distance.
How long will it take
to get to the girls?
About an hour-and-a-half, sir.
I wouldn't let
you dig this alone.
Well, with help, 20 minutes.
Look, this is a
military mission,
not a friendship club.
So, I'm going to
talk to the girls.
That's a bit cheeky,
even for an officer.
Do you know how long its
been since I've seen a woman?
It's been even longer for me.
Yeah, but I'm French.
Couldn't we just
shake hands with them?
It would be the firing squad
if you fellows were
caught with the girls.
You weren't... I'm not going
to let you risk your lives.
You weren't that worried
when you sent me out
there to cut that barbed wire.
Making contact with those girls
could be the turning
point in the war.
It would be for me.
Then I can count on
you to dig the tunnel?
You can count on me, sir.
With me bare hands if necessary.
Me, too.
Just digging within
four feet of a woman
is better than never
to have loved at all.
I'd sure like to know what
they're going to do with us?
I wouldn't.
I'd feel a lot better
if we didn't have
that Captain Heinrich
for a den mother.
Yes, he's seen too many
Erich von Stroheim movies.
Who's Erich von Stroheim?
He was before your time, dear.
Shh.
Quiet.
Okay, come on.
Hey!
Wait a minute, hold it.
I'm an American and a veteran.
We thought you were a German.
Germans come through the door.
Americans come
through the floor.
Now look, mister,
we... Hold it, hold it.
Hi. Colonel Robert E. Hogan,
U.S. Army Air
Corps, semiretired.
I'm Charlene Hemsley,
adagio dancer.
I'm Ginger Wilson,
and this is Kathy Pruitt.
She certainly is.
Has anybody
interrogated you yet?
That one guard sort
of got a little fresh.
No, they just
dumped us in here, and
we haven't seen anybody yet.
Good. Look, according
to the Geneva convention,
you're not required to give
anything but your name,
your unit and the
key you sing in.
Should I tell them
I'm double-jointed?
Only under extreme torture.
How long will they keep us here?
They'll be moving
you out any minute.
All right, now, listen,
this is important.
Why are the Krauts so
interested in you three,
aside from the obvious reasons?
Beats me.
We don't know.
We really can't figure it out.
You see, we were doing
our act for this infantry outfit
when there was an attack.
Well, we jumped into a jeep,
and we thought we were
heading for headquarters.
Well, the next thing
we knew, there we were
hiding in an underground
shelter surrounded by Germans.
What was in the shelter?
A lot of very fresh soldiers.
Boy, was it scary.
There were these
long, thin shells.
They looked like torpedoes.
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
With, like, little
wings on them.
Sort of like something
out of Buck Rogers.
Torpedoes with wings...
Buck Rogers...
Rockets.
I was with them for two years.
Not Rockettes, dear.
Rockets.
A rocket base.
That's what the
Krauts are hiding.
Where was it? Don't ask me.
I couldn't even find my
way out of a telephone booth.
How long did it
take you to get here?
It was about four
hours. Yeah, right.
By autobahn? Highway?
It was a very bumpy road.
A few minutes after we started,
we passed through a small town.
There was a cathedral
with, like, a real tall spire.
Yeah, that's Hofberg.
It's about 80 miles
due east of here.
By truck, four hours
would be just about right.
Welcome to Stalag 13, ladies.
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Newkirk's the name, ladies,
but you can call me Peter.
Voilà.
A little bouquet to
brighten up your room.
He's a magician.
I was held over two
weeks in Blackpool.
Don't tell me, I know.
Back in the tunnel.
♪ Yankee Doodle came to town ♪
♪ Riding on a pony. ♪
We don't need a concert, LeBeau.
Both of you, back in the tunnel.
Now, sir, I'm not
going to let you
take the risk all on your own.
We're in this together...
The Union Jack and the
Star Spangled Banner.
And let's not forget
the Statue of Liberty.
You're cute.
Hey, Colonel,
are you authorized to
perform wedding ceremonies?
Newkirk?
Will you give the bride away?
My pleasure...
The door.
Who is it?
It's me, Sergeant Schultz.
Oh. Oh, come in, Sergeant.
Guten Morgen, Frauleins.
I'm Sergeant Schultz.
Very happy to
meet you, Sergeant.
Eins... zwei...
Where is drei?
Oh, uh, well, she's
changing, Sergeant.
I brought you a bottle of wine
to make your stay
here more pleasant.
It was very thoughtful
of you, Sergeant.
Eins... zwei...
drei... vier.
Drei is here.
Oh, Schultz, you're too late.
We already voted.
Colonel Hogan,
what are you doing in here?!
Schultz, we heard the
guards were having a party.
Thank you for bringing the wine.
Please, Colonel Hogan.
I'll bet you Commandant Klink
would take a very dim
view of this, Schultz.
But if you don't tell
him we were here,
we won't tell him you were here.
Where's the corkscrew?
The corkscrew.
No corkscrew!
Back to the barracks
where you belong.
Back, back, back, back!
Frauleins, this is
Kommandant Klink.
Come in.
Good morning, Frauleins.
Good morning, Kommandant.
I hope you're enjoying
your stay with us?
Oh, yes, yes, it's a
very nice place to visit,
but we'd really
hate to live here.
You see, I think we're
allergic to barbed wire, dogs
and German guards.
Ah, ah, ah!
It's all necessary to
maintain the reputation
of Stalag 13
as the toughest POW
camp in all of Germany.
Trick or treat.
What are you doing here?
K-Kommandant,
I-I was inspecting the barracks.
With a bottle of wine?
You came for funny business
with these girls?
Sure, and I suppose you're here
to hold a religious service?
Colonel Hogan, I am holding you
personally responsible for this.
And you, Schultz, will be...
Ah, Captain Heinrich!
Captain Heinrich, I-I...
I suppose you're wondering
why I'm holding this
bottle of wine in my hand.
You are aware, Colonel,
of the non-fraternization
regulations?
I was just explaining that
to these women,
Captain Heinrich.
Say, why don't we all
drink to that regulation?
Silence!
In the interests of
security, Colonel,
I think it is wiser
if I take these girls
out of this camp
as soon as possible.
We will leave tomorrow.
And by whose orders?
They are my prisoners.
I get my orders
directly from Berlin!
Oh, I know him.
He wrote "God Bless America."
I can also tell
you, Colonel Klink,
that my report to Headquarters
will not be flattering to you.
I thought they'd never leave.
Hey, the wine steward is here.
Did you bring the glasses?
Raus!
Killjoy.
Raus!
Last time you work
at one of my parties.
Raus!
Do drop in again.
Raus!
I, uh, just got
radio confirmation
from London, Colonel.
It's all set.
Good. When do they
bomb the rocket site?
Tomorrow at 2300 hours.
Colonel, if they bomb
the emplacement,
they're sure to know
the information
came from the girls.
It won't matter by them.
The girls will be out the
tunnel on their way to London.
Yeah, as soon
as the sub calls in,
I'll arrange for a rendezvous.
Good, good.
You know, I kind of
hate to see them go.
I like the idea of a
coed POW camp.
Hey... Come on up.
Uh-huh. What happened?
It's a cave-in, sir.
Oh. Oh.
Here, sit down.
Are you hurt?
Boy. Where?
It's the new section
of the tunnel,
right near the girls' barracks.
How bad is it?
Complete washout.
You guys didn't brace it enough.
With girls at the other end?
Who stopped for braces?
Can we still reach 'em?
Not without a ruddy bulldozer
you can't, sir.
It'll take days to clear.
If they're going
to bomb tomorrow,
how are we going to get
those girls out tonight?
Well, don't look at me.
I can't help us.
When all else fails, there's
always Colonel Klink.
Schultz, here is a list
of punishments and restrictions
for the prisoners.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
And they can thank you for that.
Shouldn't you check that
with Captain Heinrich?
Check with Captain Heinrich?
You don't want to go
over his head, do you?
Hogan, may I remind you
that I am the
Kommandant of this camp.
Don't remind me.
Remind him.
Dismissed.
Ah, it's no skin off my nose,
if your men are laughing
behind your back.
Hogan, no one laughs
behind Colonel Klink's back!
Look, face the facts.
Since Captain Heinrich has
been running this camp, your men...
Captain Heinrich has not
been running this camp.
All right, but he doesn't care
if those women cause trouble
and ruin Stalag 13's reputation.
What? What?
Forget it.
So what if he did
go over your head
and order those girls
to Berlin tomorrow.
When you know
it would be smarter
to have them
shipped out tonight.
What? What?
It's not important if
those girls cause a riot.
Important?
I will decide what's important.
They're going out tonight!
Schultz, tell Captain Heinrich
that I order him
to move those girls
to Berlin, tonight!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
As for you, I...
Evening, Fritz.
Lovely weather we're having.
Nice night for a
raid on Berlin, what?
Schnell, schnell!
All right, no need
to get huffy, mate.
Just hope to stay
alive, that's all.
All set?
Worked like a charm.
All right. Let's get going
before they load
the girls in the truck.
Sergeant, a bomb!
Sergeant!
A bomb, a bomb.
Sergeant...
Turn off the...
Oh, come on, Bearheart.
Shame on you.
What's all that jazz
about man's best friend?
Don't pad your part.
Hi. Oh, hi, fellas.
You're just in time for
the going-away party.
You're not going.
Tell that to Captain Heinrich.
What do you mean,
we're not going?
Look, I think we can help
you to escape to England
if you're willing
to take a chance.
Anything's better
than being booked
in a German prison
camp for three years.
I'll go along with that.
Me, too.
What's the plan, Colonel?
This is the way it stacks up.
We're going to change
places with the girls.
What?
The three of us go
out in the truck tonight
while the girls hide back here.
Brilliant.
Fantastic. He always
comes up with...
Colonel, what good
does it do the girls
if you guys escape?
Yeah.
After we escape, we
sneak back into camp.
We arrange to have the girls
go out in the dog
truck tomorrow.
Of course. I said
it was brilliant.
Don't you see? It will be easy.
Because half the guards
will be out looking for you.
He's a ruddy genius,
even if he is an officer.
Can you get away with this?
I mean, yeah.
Uh, I may not be
Miss America, but, uh,
I don't look like a fella.
You can say that again.
Ma'am.
All right, let's get going.
No, no, no. Wait, wait.
If-If we change places
with the girls tonight,
then that means that...
I just got it.
So did I.
You want us to
wear their clothes?
You know a better
way to look like women?
Well... Well, that's out.
Forget it.
The articles of war
do not require me
to wear ladies' clothing.
Will you wait a minute?
There's no danger.
It's dark out.
And besides, look what I've got.
Private Ninowski, our
wigmaker, does beautiful work.
Look, Colonel,
I'd rather grab a machine gun
from the guards
and blast our way out.
I'll help you, LeBeau.
Come on.
All right!
I didn't want to do it
this way, but I order you.
Put on their clothes
and these wigs.
And if I disobey the order?
Court-martial and firing squad.
Well, no bandage for my eyes.
Vive la France.
Sir, you can hang me
from the highest yardarm,
but under no circumstances
will we dress as women.
Hey, you guys look
pretty convincing.
Shut up!
Oui, shut up!
If you tell anybody about this,
I will personally
poison your food.
All right, easy, men.
Look, Carter, after we leave,
take the girls back
to our barracks.
R-Right, Colonel.
Keep them out of sight
as much as possible,
because we don't...
You know, Newkirk...
What? You look
good in basic black.
Jawohl.
Fresh!
What's the matter, dear?
It must be her
appendix! Stop the truck!
Stop the truck!
Tell them to stop the truck!
Kathy is sick!
I believe I'm going to faint!
Quick, quick!
What is this?
LeBEAU: It's Kathy!
She's not well!
I think she has the
vapors, whatever that is!
Keep her quiet for the
rest of the trip, or you will...
Oh!
Come on. It's all right?
Yeah, we did pretty well.
You did a great job.
Fine. Let's go! All right...
Wait. Hey, wait a minute.
What's the matter?
Is my mascara running?
Oh.
I don't know. Maybe they
ran into some sort of trouble.
Maybe something
happened. I don't know.
Yeah, maybe his
garter belt snapped.
I don't think that would
have slowed him down.
Well, it's hard to win a war
when your stockings
are falling down.
We're home!
How'd it go?
Oh, piece of cake. Fine, fine.
LeBEAU: Yeah, fine.
Oh, my God.
Colonel...
how can we ever thank you?
Leave your names and
addresses, and after the war,
I'm sure we can
work something out.
Come in.
Now, Colonel Hogan, you
asked permission to see me?
Right, sir.
Request permission for my men
to have extra rations tomorrow.
Why do you want extra rations?
Don't tell me you've forgotten.
It's a holiday.
What holiday?
Armistice Day.
It's the day we beat the
Germans in the First World...
Sorry, sir.
It's in bad taste.
Permission refused.
Colonel, you're
invited to the party.
The men insisted.
Request denied.
I hate a poor loser.
Oh, uh...
what do you hear
from your old boss,
Captain Heinrich?
The Captain you
admire so much, Hogan,
has met with disgrace.
No!
He allowed the three
lady prisoners to escape.
I can't believe it.
And I heard that he was...
overpowered by a lady's handbag.
Did you ever see
what a woman carried
in her purse?
If headquarters would have
left those women with me,
this never would have happened!
What harm can three girls do?
Because of them, the
enemy bombed one
of our most important
experimental stations.
Dismissed.
Rockets? Yes.
Who said rockets?
You did.
But your secret's safe with me.