Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 27 - The Safecracker Suite - full transcript
Klink helps an old friend by assisting Hogan in the theft of the plans for an assassination on the Fuehrer.
CBS presents this
program in color.
Come in, come in.
Ah, Hogan, you wanted to see me?
Yes, sir.
I have a few requests to
make on behalf of my men.
All right.
"A few requests"?
Mm-hmm. "Request permission
to build a miniature
golf course."
Denied. Just another
means of digging tunnels.
All right.
"Request two extra
slices of bread daily."
Denied.
So much for the easy ones.
"Request permission to
bring local girls into camp
for weekend dances."
That's marvelous!
Glad you agree, sir.
I do not agree.
Girls in a POW camp...
That would be fantastic.
It sure would.
Denied.
Glad I caught you
in a good mood.
Major Kronman.
I wish to speak
with Colonel Klink.
He's in his office, Herr Major.
Good. Eh... is there someplace
you can, uh, park my car?
Out of sight of the road?
I'll see to it.
Behind the barracks.
Excellent.
I am here on a special mission.
I know nothing! Nothing!
What is your name?
I know no... oh.
Sergeant Schultz, Herr Major.
Oh.
Herr Kommandant, a
Major Kronman to see you.
Kronman, Kronman...
That sounds familiar.
Gestapo?
No, sir.
He seems like a nice fellow.
Well, I have no time.
Tell him I'm
busy, tell him to...
Willy!
Hans Kronman? Ja.
Hans Kronman.
Hansie! Willy!
Why didn't you
give your full name?
It's nice to see old
pals get together.
Yeah, I'm all choked up.
Major Kronman
and I are old friends.
We took our military
training at Potsdam.
Oh, by the way, may I present
Colonel Hogan,
senior POW officer.
Colonel Klink and I
were in the same class,
but I am just a major.
He pushed on ahead.
He's still a great pusher.
Yes.
Well, the war has
been very good to me.
Hansie, what brings you to
this part of the country, huh?
Well, uh, there is
something rather important
I wish to discuss with you.
Good. I will speak
with you in a minute.
Schultz?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant?
Escort Major Kronman
to the V.I.P. hut,
and see to it that he
is given the quarters
used by General Burkhalter.
Danke schon.
This way, Herr Major.
One moment, please.
This is getting to be
like the Wilhelmstrasse.
Who are you?
Captain Guenther. Gestapo.
Major Hans Kronman?
Yes?
You're under arrest.
Arrest?
What is this?
This man is
suspected of conspiracy
to assassinate the Fuhrer.
Assassinate the Fu...!
I assure you there
is no truth to this.
Take him out.
Friend of yours, Colonel?
Friend?
Major, Major, Major...
what was his name?
Kronman. Hansie Kronman.
Silence. I hardly know him, sir.
Colonel, you are not
to leave your command
until you hear from the Gestapo.
Heil Hitler.
Heil!
Colonel, about the
weekend dances...
"Hamilburg Hof number nine."
That has got to be the key
to a safety deposit
box in a hotel.
Yeah, that'd be my
guess as well, Colonel.
Why did he give
it to you, Colonel?
He was arrested.
Probably didn't want
them to find it on him.
So, the box must have
something valuable.
Colonel, if Kronman
and Klink were friends,
why didn't he slip him the key?
Carter, in Germany today,
the one thing a German
cannot trust is another German.
I wonder what's in that box.
Oh, Colonel, here's
the reply from London.
Thanks, Kinch.
Mmm, looks good.
Listen, listen.
"Major Kronman
identity confirmed.
Believed member of a
conspiracy to kill Hitler."
He's all right, then, right?
Kraut like that
can't be all bad.
"Try making contact with Kronman
and assist all possible ways."
Sure, I'll call the Gestapo
and ask if we can
take him to lunch.
Yeah, that boat has sailed.
For the major, it did.
Got to write him off.
But I wonder about this anti-
Hitler conspiracy they mention.
Be nice if you could
take them to lunch.
Wonder what's in that box.
Aw, you can write that off, too.
No, I don't think so.
If we could only
get into the hotel,
rifle all the safety
deposit boxes
and make it look
like a burglary.
Gentlemen, gentlemen!
I hate to be a killjoy.
Why? What's wrong?
Hotel boxes are kept in a safe,
most likely with a
combination lock.
Depending on your
ten magic fingers.
This fiddle is a bit
above my head, Colonel.
Come on, you're
being modest, Newkirk.
There is only one sure
way to crack a big safe.
You've got to blast it.
Nitroglycerin... that whole bit?
Right. And it's very,
very touchy stuff.
A professional job's
what we need, Colonel.
All right.
Kinch, you're familiar
with the personnel
records here at camp.
We got a safecracker here?
Not a chance, Chief.
We got mechanics and pool
hustlers and used car salesmen,
but no safecrackers.
Hey. Hey, Colonel,
I know one man
who could do this job for us.
Who?
His name's, uh, Alfred Burke,
alias Alfie the Artiste.
Alfie the Artist?
He's good, huh?
Well, he's been
practicing for 40 years,
with time off for bad behavior.
He must be, uh, an
old geezer by now.
But he's brilliant.
He could crack the Bank of
England like a tin of sardines.
But only his loyalty to the
Crown keeps him from it.
I saw him work once.
A right old wizard.
His hands... what a touch.
Oh, his mum and dad begged
him to be a brain surgeon.
Let's get him.
How?
Have the R.A.F. fly
him over and drop him.
Look, we can't
win the war alone.
Kinch, Newkirk, into the tunnel.
Tell London what we're doing.
Right, sir.
Say, uh, where do we find
this guy Alfie the Artiste?
Just ask Scotland Yard.
They know where
he is at all times.
Just got word from
London, Colonel.
They found Alfie the Artist.
He was doing a little time
in the Pentonville Prison.
That figures.
Well, none of
us is perfect, sir.
He's agreed to do the job.
They're going to fly
him over tomorrow night.
The drop will be at
"Y" 14 in the woods.
Fine. Newkirk. Yes, sir?
You go out and meet him,
bring him in through
the emergency tunnel.
All right.
Watch it.
Here comes our
beloved commandant.
All right, I want to have a word
with Old Blood
and Guts. Scatter.
Colonel?
Yes, Colonel Hogan, what is it?
Uh, I'd like to talk to you.
May we step into your office?
More requests for
favors and privileges?
Colonel Hogan, your
behavior in this camp
does not warrant any
special consideration.
Sir...
All right, all right, let us
ask the sergeant here.
Sergeant Schultz,
does their behavior
merit any special consideration?
Well, I...
You see?
Even Sergeant
Schultz agrees with me.
Now, Colonel Hogan,
you can do me
one great big favor
by not wasting my
time and your time.
What's that?
Oh, just a key to a
safety deposit box
that your friend Major
Kronman sneaked to me.
Colonel Hogan,
your time is my time.
There's a song by that title.
I'll take that key,
and if you refuse
to give it to me,
I will call the guards
and I will resort to force.
You have it.
Oh.
Of course, you'll turn it
over to the Gestapo at once.
Of course.
That way, if there's any
incriminating evidence
found in the box,
you won't be involved.
Exactly. And the
Gestapo will understand
that I have no part in
Major Kronman's activities.
Right.
Even though you have the key
to his safety deposit box.
Right, even though I have
the key to... take it away!
Something the matter, Colonel?
If I give them the
key, they will assume
that I'm trying to cover
up and appear innocent.
You are, aren't you?
I am a loyal officer
of the Third Reich.
There can't be
anything in that box
to connect me with Kronman.
What did he mean when he said,
"There's something I
want to discuss with you."
Remember that?
Now, that is the most
innocent thing for a man to say.
Oh, sure, sure.
That's what everybody says
just before they're
arrested by the Gestapo.
What am I to do?
I can't go and
open the box myself.
No, you'd be
arrested in two hours.
Bite your tongue!
Is that an order?
No, it's against the Geneva
Prisoner of War Convention.
To think that this
little piece of metal,
this key, could lock or unlock
a brilliant military
man's future.
Forget Major
Kronman; he's finished.
Not Kronman... me.
Where can I turn for help
with this terrible problem?
I'm glad you asked
me that question.
I may be able to help you.
Okay, now, I think I have
a plan that might work.
It's going to require your
absolute cooperation.
You may have to turn your back
on some things you see. Agreed?
It's a trick to escape.
Oh, come on, you have my word
as an officer and a gentleman.
No escape.
Now, can we count
on your cooperation?
Hogan, why are you
helping me, your enemy?
Colonel, you run the toughest
POW camp in all of Germany.
There's never been an
escape from Stalag 13, right?
That's true.
If only he had a
few more like me.
Now, if the Gestapo
were to take you away,
we'd get a new commandant
who could never be as
hard as the Iron Colonel.
Right again.
We might attempt an escape.
Somebody might
get hurt, or worse.
If I can save you, I can
save some of my men.
Then it is fortunate that
I am as tough as I am.
You're the toughest.
Here we are, Alfie,
safe and sound.
Ah, thank you very much.
Oh, lovely tunnel, I must say.
Pity it doesn't
lead into a bank.
Now, would you make
yourself at home, Alfie?
And, uh, is there
anything I can get you?
Well, if it wouldn't
be imposing,
I should like a nice cup of tea.
Uh...
Two spoons.
Well, of course.
Oh, Alf, this is the
guv'nor, Colonel Hogan.
How do you do, sir?
Hi, welcome to Stalag
13. Enjoy your flight?
Oh, not too bad,
though I shouldn't care
to make a career of it.
Sorry we had to get
you out of a nice warm jail
into a cold P.O.W. camp.
Oh, not at all.
Times like these, we must all
put our shoulders to the wheel.
Now, then...
what sort of mischief did
you have in mind for me?
We have the key to a
hotel safety deposit box.
We've got to get into
the safe to get to the box.
Sounds dreadfully important.
Hotel safe, hmm?
"Hofburg House, Hamilburg."
Nearest big city... Dusseldorf.
Dusseldorf... Schleswig
Offenbach Safe Company.
Make a cabinet-type safe,
3.4 gauge steel,
combination lock,
four interlocking tumblers...
No, five interlocking tumblers.
No electrical alarm system.
Shoddy business. Very shoddy.
Blimy.
Hats off, gentlemen.
We're in the
presence of a genius.
Very kind of you, Colonel.
Now, uh... for my
part of the caper,
I shall require
about 12 minutes...
Uh-huh. and a... a nice
cup of tea when it's done.
Yeah. Any special equipment?
Oh... a good surgeon is
always ready to operate
and remove things.
Somebody's coming!
All right, quick, your hat!
Was ist das?
No, please, don't, don't...
Oh, hi, Schultz. All present.
Is that so?
One of the tower guards
reported he saw the Englander
outside the wire, huh?
Who, me? He's barmy.
I've been here all night,
haven't I, Colonel?
That's right.
One of these days the
guards are going to catch you
with your monkey business,
and I won't be there to help you.
I've been here every minute...
singing songs, telling
stories, haven't I?
I warn you.
Who is that?
Him? Just one of the boys.
Boys?
What's your name, eh, sonny?
Burke, Alfred,
private first class.
I don't remember his
name on the roll call.
Oh, sure you do,
Schultz. Think hard.
What do you think I
am, nuts or something?
Who is that grandpa?
Just another one
of the prisoners,
captured like the rest of us.
Who captured him, Der Kaiser?
On your feet!
Attention! At ease.
Schultz, where have you been?
You left your post.
Herr Kommandant, I came here
to make an inspection,
and I made a discovery.
You discovered something?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
I came in here, and I
counted the prisoners...
Eins, zwei, drei, vier, funf.
All were present, and I
was just about to leave...
Guess what I found?
There is one man...
Stop, stop. I am not
interested in your discovery.
No, Herr Kommandant?
For the first time since
I've taken command here,
I want to know
nothing... nothing!
Schultz... the Iron
Colonel needs a vacation.
All right, gentlemen,
a floor plan to the hotel.
Klink got it for me.
Really?
Man, he must be scared.
Scared? Just 'cause he
wears his monocle in his ear?
Let me have your attention now.
This is the hotel lobby.
This is the alcove,
and there's the safe.
Is that-that the window?
That's right. Now, Kinch is
going to be our outside man.
He'll see that Alf gets
through the window
and back out
after the job, got it?
Sure. All right.
Now, Klink has agreed to
give a party tomorrow night
for the local officers
and townspeople.
That'll be the cover.
The timing is very important.
Excuse me, Alf, we're
not disturbing you, I hope.
Oh, not at all, old boy,
not at all. Do carry on.
Well... now, any
questions or comments?
No, everything's fine.
Have a screen or curtain across
the alcove opening to cover us,
make sure that the
window is unlocked
and check road
conditions for the getaway.
Is that all?
Not quite.
I'd dearly love
a nice cup of tea.
Nice party, Colonel.
Uh, thank you, thank
you, Herr Burgermeister.
Enjoy yourself.
You sure nothing can go wrong?
It's in the bag... unless
you get nervous and blow it.
Don't worry about me.
I-I'm quite in control.
Maybe we ought
to get you a straw.
I am quite calm, thank you.
Waiter.
Mm-mm-mm-mm.
He does that every
time I come by.
Nobody else can get a drink.
Keep moving. It's almost time.
You nervous, Alf?
Good heavens, no.
This affair is a lark.
As a matter of fact, old boy,
I could've telephoned
you the instructions
and stayed in England.
Ah, there goes the window.
That's our cue. Let's go.
Righto. After you, old boy.
After you.
Colonel, we're off and running.
Ten minutes more,
and we'll be home.
Will there... be much
noise when it happens?
Maybe. Just yell, "Air raid".
Air raid! Not now.
Come on, Colonel, you've
got to pull yourself together.
I'm trying, I'm trying.
And lay off the juice.
I may need you later in
case anything goes wrong.
Wrong? What could go wrong?
Sorry I mentioned it.
Our friendly
neighborhood monster.
Did you invite him, too?
Are you mad?
What am I to do?
That's what I was
just about to ask you.
Colonel.
Good evening, Captain.
Very nice gathering.
Thank you. Uh, just
a little put-up job...
I mean, an impromptu...
an im-impromptu affair.
What is this prisoner
doing out of camp?
Oh... a little reward
in exchange for
some vital information.
Very unusual.
By the way, it may
interest you to know
that the officer we
arrested was shot
while trying to escape.
I'm glad he had a fair trial.
Obviously a traitor
to the Third Reich.
Yes... and the case
is by no means closed.
Now, gentlemen,
I'll just have a look around,
if you don't mind?
Oh, by all means, sir, please.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
For our first
selection this evening,
we'd like to do a
number by Irving Berlin,
which is also the name of a
city in your wonderful country.
♪ This is the Army, Mr. Jones ♪
♪ No private rooms
or telephones ♪
♪ You had your
breakfast in bed before ♪
♪ But you won't have
it there anymore ♪
♪ This is the Army, Mr. Green ♪
♪ We like the barracks
nice and clean ♪
♪ You had a housemaid
to clean your floor ♪
♪ But she won't help
you out anymore ♪
♪ Do what the buglers command ♪
♪ They're in the Army ♪
♪ And not in a band ♪
♪ This is the Army, Mr. Brown ♪
♪ You and your
baby went to town ♪
♪ She had you
worried, but this is war ♪
♪ And she won't
worry you anymore ♪
♪ And she won't
worry you anymore! ♪
Our next number this evening...
Air raid.
Don't know what
we'd do without you.
Colonel.
"Tinkers to Evers to
Chance" is the play.
You're only Evers. I'm Chance.
Come in.
Ah, Hogan, I've
been waiting for you.
I'm sorry, sir.
I just heard from the Gestapo.
They are convinced
of my innocence.
Congratulations.
Now you can start
breathing again.
They believe the explosions
were an attempt on my life.
Ah, we leaders...
we're always in danger.
All right, Hogan,
that list from the box.
I'll take it now.
Oh, yes, yes, that.
This list, Colonel, is for sale.
How much?
Two extra slices
of bread per day,
all Red Cross packages
delivered on time,
Granted. and an extra
shower every week
for everybody in camp. Granted.
My name. It's first!
"General Burkhalter, Colonel
Mueller, Admiral Metzger..."
Kronman was obviously
going to contact all of us.
Sure, to get you
into the conspiracy.
So much for that.
Hogan? Mm-hmm?
No one must ever
know about this.
Yes, sir.
Uh... oh, by the way,
could we have our first extra
shower starting tomorrow?
What extra shower?
All requests previously
granted are now denied.
Oh, I see.
Colonel, what makes you so sure
I didn't make a
copy of that list?
A copy? Why,
that would be silly.
No one would believe a copy...
When you take that extra shower,
just make sure your men
don't use too much water.
Granted.
program in color.
Come in, come in.
Ah, Hogan, you wanted to see me?
Yes, sir.
I have a few requests to
make on behalf of my men.
All right.
"A few requests"?
Mm-hmm. "Request permission
to build a miniature
golf course."
Denied. Just another
means of digging tunnels.
All right.
"Request two extra
slices of bread daily."
Denied.
So much for the easy ones.
"Request permission to
bring local girls into camp
for weekend dances."
That's marvelous!
Glad you agree, sir.
I do not agree.
Girls in a POW camp...
That would be fantastic.
It sure would.
Denied.
Glad I caught you
in a good mood.
Major Kronman.
I wish to speak
with Colonel Klink.
He's in his office, Herr Major.
Good. Eh... is there someplace
you can, uh, park my car?
Out of sight of the road?
I'll see to it.
Behind the barracks.
Excellent.
I am here on a special mission.
I know nothing! Nothing!
What is your name?
I know no... oh.
Sergeant Schultz, Herr Major.
Oh.
Herr Kommandant, a
Major Kronman to see you.
Kronman, Kronman...
That sounds familiar.
Gestapo?
No, sir.
He seems like a nice fellow.
Well, I have no time.
Tell him I'm
busy, tell him to...
Willy!
Hans Kronman? Ja.
Hans Kronman.
Hansie! Willy!
Why didn't you
give your full name?
It's nice to see old
pals get together.
Yeah, I'm all choked up.
Major Kronman
and I are old friends.
We took our military
training at Potsdam.
Oh, by the way, may I present
Colonel Hogan,
senior POW officer.
Colonel Klink and I
were in the same class,
but I am just a major.
He pushed on ahead.
He's still a great pusher.
Yes.
Well, the war has
been very good to me.
Hansie, what brings you to
this part of the country, huh?
Well, uh, there is
something rather important
I wish to discuss with you.
Good. I will speak
with you in a minute.
Schultz?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant?
Escort Major Kronman
to the V.I.P. hut,
and see to it that he
is given the quarters
used by General Burkhalter.
Danke schon.
This way, Herr Major.
One moment, please.
This is getting to be
like the Wilhelmstrasse.
Who are you?
Captain Guenther. Gestapo.
Major Hans Kronman?
Yes?
You're under arrest.
Arrest?
What is this?
This man is
suspected of conspiracy
to assassinate the Fuhrer.
Assassinate the Fu...!
I assure you there
is no truth to this.
Take him out.
Friend of yours, Colonel?
Friend?
Major, Major, Major...
what was his name?
Kronman. Hansie Kronman.
Silence. I hardly know him, sir.
Colonel, you are not
to leave your command
until you hear from the Gestapo.
Heil Hitler.
Heil!
Colonel, about the
weekend dances...
"Hamilburg Hof number nine."
That has got to be the key
to a safety deposit
box in a hotel.
Yeah, that'd be my
guess as well, Colonel.
Why did he give
it to you, Colonel?
He was arrested.
Probably didn't want
them to find it on him.
So, the box must have
something valuable.
Colonel, if Kronman
and Klink were friends,
why didn't he slip him the key?
Carter, in Germany today,
the one thing a German
cannot trust is another German.
I wonder what's in that box.
Oh, Colonel, here's
the reply from London.
Thanks, Kinch.
Mmm, looks good.
Listen, listen.
"Major Kronman
identity confirmed.
Believed member of a
conspiracy to kill Hitler."
He's all right, then, right?
Kraut like that
can't be all bad.
"Try making contact with Kronman
and assist all possible ways."
Sure, I'll call the Gestapo
and ask if we can
take him to lunch.
Yeah, that boat has sailed.
For the major, it did.
Got to write him off.
But I wonder about this anti-
Hitler conspiracy they mention.
Be nice if you could
take them to lunch.
Wonder what's in that box.
Aw, you can write that off, too.
No, I don't think so.
If we could only
get into the hotel,
rifle all the safety
deposit boxes
and make it look
like a burglary.
Gentlemen, gentlemen!
I hate to be a killjoy.
Why? What's wrong?
Hotel boxes are kept in a safe,
most likely with a
combination lock.
Depending on your
ten magic fingers.
This fiddle is a bit
above my head, Colonel.
Come on, you're
being modest, Newkirk.
There is only one sure
way to crack a big safe.
You've got to blast it.
Nitroglycerin... that whole bit?
Right. And it's very,
very touchy stuff.
A professional job's
what we need, Colonel.
All right.
Kinch, you're familiar
with the personnel
records here at camp.
We got a safecracker here?
Not a chance, Chief.
We got mechanics and pool
hustlers and used car salesmen,
but no safecrackers.
Hey. Hey, Colonel,
I know one man
who could do this job for us.
Who?
His name's, uh, Alfred Burke,
alias Alfie the Artiste.
Alfie the Artist?
He's good, huh?
Well, he's been
practicing for 40 years,
with time off for bad behavior.
He must be, uh, an
old geezer by now.
But he's brilliant.
He could crack the Bank of
England like a tin of sardines.
But only his loyalty to the
Crown keeps him from it.
I saw him work once.
A right old wizard.
His hands... what a touch.
Oh, his mum and dad begged
him to be a brain surgeon.
Let's get him.
How?
Have the R.A.F. fly
him over and drop him.
Look, we can't
win the war alone.
Kinch, Newkirk, into the tunnel.
Tell London what we're doing.
Right, sir.
Say, uh, where do we find
this guy Alfie the Artiste?
Just ask Scotland Yard.
They know where
he is at all times.
Just got word from
London, Colonel.
They found Alfie the Artist.
He was doing a little time
in the Pentonville Prison.
That figures.
Well, none of
us is perfect, sir.
He's agreed to do the job.
They're going to fly
him over tomorrow night.
The drop will be at
"Y" 14 in the woods.
Fine. Newkirk. Yes, sir?
You go out and meet him,
bring him in through
the emergency tunnel.
All right.
Watch it.
Here comes our
beloved commandant.
All right, I want to have a word
with Old Blood
and Guts. Scatter.
Colonel?
Yes, Colonel Hogan, what is it?
Uh, I'd like to talk to you.
May we step into your office?
More requests for
favors and privileges?
Colonel Hogan, your
behavior in this camp
does not warrant any
special consideration.
Sir...
All right, all right, let us
ask the sergeant here.
Sergeant Schultz,
does their behavior
merit any special consideration?
Well, I...
You see?
Even Sergeant
Schultz agrees with me.
Now, Colonel Hogan,
you can do me
one great big favor
by not wasting my
time and your time.
What's that?
Oh, just a key to a
safety deposit box
that your friend Major
Kronman sneaked to me.
Colonel Hogan,
your time is my time.
There's a song by that title.
I'll take that key,
and if you refuse
to give it to me,
I will call the guards
and I will resort to force.
You have it.
Oh.
Of course, you'll turn it
over to the Gestapo at once.
Of course.
That way, if there's any
incriminating evidence
found in the box,
you won't be involved.
Exactly. And the
Gestapo will understand
that I have no part in
Major Kronman's activities.
Right.
Even though you have the key
to his safety deposit box.
Right, even though I have
the key to... take it away!
Something the matter, Colonel?
If I give them the
key, they will assume
that I'm trying to cover
up and appear innocent.
You are, aren't you?
I am a loyal officer
of the Third Reich.
There can't be
anything in that box
to connect me with Kronman.
What did he mean when he said,
"There's something I
want to discuss with you."
Remember that?
Now, that is the most
innocent thing for a man to say.
Oh, sure, sure.
That's what everybody says
just before they're
arrested by the Gestapo.
What am I to do?
I can't go and
open the box myself.
No, you'd be
arrested in two hours.
Bite your tongue!
Is that an order?
No, it's against the Geneva
Prisoner of War Convention.
To think that this
little piece of metal,
this key, could lock or unlock
a brilliant military
man's future.
Forget Major
Kronman; he's finished.
Not Kronman... me.
Where can I turn for help
with this terrible problem?
I'm glad you asked
me that question.
I may be able to help you.
Okay, now, I think I have
a plan that might work.
It's going to require your
absolute cooperation.
You may have to turn your back
on some things you see. Agreed?
It's a trick to escape.
Oh, come on, you have my word
as an officer and a gentleman.
No escape.
Now, can we count
on your cooperation?
Hogan, why are you
helping me, your enemy?
Colonel, you run the toughest
POW camp in all of Germany.
There's never been an
escape from Stalag 13, right?
That's true.
If only he had a
few more like me.
Now, if the Gestapo
were to take you away,
we'd get a new commandant
who could never be as
hard as the Iron Colonel.
Right again.
We might attempt an escape.
Somebody might
get hurt, or worse.
If I can save you, I can
save some of my men.
Then it is fortunate that
I am as tough as I am.
You're the toughest.
Here we are, Alfie,
safe and sound.
Ah, thank you very much.
Oh, lovely tunnel, I must say.
Pity it doesn't
lead into a bank.
Now, would you make
yourself at home, Alfie?
And, uh, is there
anything I can get you?
Well, if it wouldn't
be imposing,
I should like a nice cup of tea.
Uh...
Two spoons.
Well, of course.
Oh, Alf, this is the
guv'nor, Colonel Hogan.
How do you do, sir?
Hi, welcome to Stalag
13. Enjoy your flight?
Oh, not too bad,
though I shouldn't care
to make a career of it.
Sorry we had to get
you out of a nice warm jail
into a cold P.O.W. camp.
Oh, not at all.
Times like these, we must all
put our shoulders to the wheel.
Now, then...
what sort of mischief did
you have in mind for me?
We have the key to a
hotel safety deposit box.
We've got to get into
the safe to get to the box.
Sounds dreadfully important.
Hotel safe, hmm?
"Hofburg House, Hamilburg."
Nearest big city... Dusseldorf.
Dusseldorf... Schleswig
Offenbach Safe Company.
Make a cabinet-type safe,
3.4 gauge steel,
combination lock,
four interlocking tumblers...
No, five interlocking tumblers.
No electrical alarm system.
Shoddy business. Very shoddy.
Blimy.
Hats off, gentlemen.
We're in the
presence of a genius.
Very kind of you, Colonel.
Now, uh... for my
part of the caper,
I shall require
about 12 minutes...
Uh-huh. and a... a nice
cup of tea when it's done.
Yeah. Any special equipment?
Oh... a good surgeon is
always ready to operate
and remove things.
Somebody's coming!
All right, quick, your hat!
Was ist das?
No, please, don't, don't...
Oh, hi, Schultz. All present.
Is that so?
One of the tower guards
reported he saw the Englander
outside the wire, huh?
Who, me? He's barmy.
I've been here all night,
haven't I, Colonel?
That's right.
One of these days the
guards are going to catch you
with your monkey business,
and I won't be there to help you.
I've been here every minute...
singing songs, telling
stories, haven't I?
I warn you.
Who is that?
Him? Just one of the boys.
Boys?
What's your name, eh, sonny?
Burke, Alfred,
private first class.
I don't remember his
name on the roll call.
Oh, sure you do,
Schultz. Think hard.
What do you think I
am, nuts or something?
Who is that grandpa?
Just another one
of the prisoners,
captured like the rest of us.
Who captured him, Der Kaiser?
On your feet!
Attention! At ease.
Schultz, where have you been?
You left your post.
Herr Kommandant, I came here
to make an inspection,
and I made a discovery.
You discovered something?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
I came in here, and I
counted the prisoners...
Eins, zwei, drei, vier, funf.
All were present, and I
was just about to leave...
Guess what I found?
There is one man...
Stop, stop. I am not
interested in your discovery.
No, Herr Kommandant?
For the first time since
I've taken command here,
I want to know
nothing... nothing!
Schultz... the Iron
Colonel needs a vacation.
All right, gentlemen,
a floor plan to the hotel.
Klink got it for me.
Really?
Man, he must be scared.
Scared? Just 'cause he
wears his monocle in his ear?
Let me have your attention now.
This is the hotel lobby.
This is the alcove,
and there's the safe.
Is that-that the window?
That's right. Now, Kinch is
going to be our outside man.
He'll see that Alf gets
through the window
and back out
after the job, got it?
Sure. All right.
Now, Klink has agreed to
give a party tomorrow night
for the local officers
and townspeople.
That'll be the cover.
The timing is very important.
Excuse me, Alf, we're
not disturbing you, I hope.
Oh, not at all, old boy,
not at all. Do carry on.
Well... now, any
questions or comments?
No, everything's fine.
Have a screen or curtain across
the alcove opening to cover us,
make sure that the
window is unlocked
and check road
conditions for the getaway.
Is that all?
Not quite.
I'd dearly love
a nice cup of tea.
Nice party, Colonel.
Uh, thank you, thank
you, Herr Burgermeister.
Enjoy yourself.
You sure nothing can go wrong?
It's in the bag... unless
you get nervous and blow it.
Don't worry about me.
I-I'm quite in control.
Maybe we ought
to get you a straw.
I am quite calm, thank you.
Waiter.
Mm-mm-mm-mm.
He does that every
time I come by.
Nobody else can get a drink.
Keep moving. It's almost time.
You nervous, Alf?
Good heavens, no.
This affair is a lark.
As a matter of fact, old boy,
I could've telephoned
you the instructions
and stayed in England.
Ah, there goes the window.
That's our cue. Let's go.
Righto. After you, old boy.
After you.
Colonel, we're off and running.
Ten minutes more,
and we'll be home.
Will there... be much
noise when it happens?
Maybe. Just yell, "Air raid".
Air raid! Not now.
Come on, Colonel, you've
got to pull yourself together.
I'm trying, I'm trying.
And lay off the juice.
I may need you later in
case anything goes wrong.
Wrong? What could go wrong?
Sorry I mentioned it.
Our friendly
neighborhood monster.
Did you invite him, too?
Are you mad?
What am I to do?
That's what I was
just about to ask you.
Colonel.
Good evening, Captain.
Very nice gathering.
Thank you. Uh, just
a little put-up job...
I mean, an impromptu...
an im-impromptu affair.
What is this prisoner
doing out of camp?
Oh... a little reward
in exchange for
some vital information.
Very unusual.
By the way, it may
interest you to know
that the officer we
arrested was shot
while trying to escape.
I'm glad he had a fair trial.
Obviously a traitor
to the Third Reich.
Yes... and the case
is by no means closed.
Now, gentlemen,
I'll just have a look around,
if you don't mind?
Oh, by all means, sir, please.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
For our first
selection this evening,
we'd like to do a
number by Irving Berlin,
which is also the name of a
city in your wonderful country.
♪ This is the Army, Mr. Jones ♪
♪ No private rooms
or telephones ♪
♪ You had your
breakfast in bed before ♪
♪ But you won't have
it there anymore ♪
♪ This is the Army, Mr. Green ♪
♪ We like the barracks
nice and clean ♪
♪ You had a housemaid
to clean your floor ♪
♪ But she won't help
you out anymore ♪
♪ Do what the buglers command ♪
♪ They're in the Army ♪
♪ And not in a band ♪
♪ This is the Army, Mr. Brown ♪
♪ You and your
baby went to town ♪
♪ She had you
worried, but this is war ♪
♪ And she won't
worry you anymore ♪
♪ And she won't
worry you anymore! ♪
Our next number this evening...
Air raid.
Don't know what
we'd do without you.
Colonel.
"Tinkers to Evers to
Chance" is the play.
You're only Evers. I'm Chance.
Come in.
Ah, Hogan, I've
been waiting for you.
I'm sorry, sir.
I just heard from the Gestapo.
They are convinced
of my innocence.
Congratulations.
Now you can start
breathing again.
They believe the explosions
were an attempt on my life.
Ah, we leaders...
we're always in danger.
All right, Hogan,
that list from the box.
I'll take it now.
Oh, yes, yes, that.
This list, Colonel, is for sale.
How much?
Two extra slices
of bread per day,
all Red Cross packages
delivered on time,
Granted. and an extra
shower every week
for everybody in camp. Granted.
My name. It's first!
"General Burkhalter, Colonel
Mueller, Admiral Metzger..."
Kronman was obviously
going to contact all of us.
Sure, to get you
into the conspiracy.
So much for that.
Hogan? Mm-hmm?
No one must ever
know about this.
Yes, sir.
Uh... oh, by the way,
could we have our first extra
shower starting tomorrow?
What extra shower?
All requests previously
granted are now denied.
Oh, I see.
Colonel, what makes you so sure
I didn't make a
copy of that list?
A copy? Why,
that would be silly.
No one would believe a copy...
When you take that extra shower,
just make sure your men
don't use too much water.
Granted.