Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 24 - How to Cook a German Goose by Radar - full transcript

CBS presents this
program in color.

Herr Kommandant!

Colonel Hogan as requested.

Something on your
mind, Commandant?

Yes, there is
something on my mind.

Okay, that'll be all, Schultz.

Jawohl.

Halt!

Hogan, you are a prisoner here.

I will dismiss Sergeant Schultz.

Whatever you
say... It's your camp.



Sergeant Schultz,
that will be all.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Schultz.

Heil!

Heil.

Now, what's your problem?

I think it is your
problem, Hogan.

All right, let's
split the difference

and call it our problem.

Is that fair?

I do not appreciate your humor.

Now, as ranking officer
among the prisoners,

it is up to you to
maintain strict discipline.

Today at roll call,
an incident happened



that was absolutely
shocking. Really?

Several of your men treated
me with gross disrespect.

Now, I want those men
to reveal themselves,

and I want them
to be punished...

severely.

Disrespect? I can't
believe that, sir.

The men have the
greatest admiration for you.

You must be mistaken.

There is no mistake.

Now, I want you to find
out who those men are.

What did they do?

It isn't what they did.

It's a sound they made.

What kind of sound?

Well, it was, uh...

You took offense at that?

I certainly did.

Do you know what that sound is?

That's a Bronx cheer.

It is?

It's a sign of respect
and admiration.

You should be very proud.

A Bronx cheer.

You've won their hearts,
and it's their way of saying,

"Colonel Klink,
you're a regular patsy."

Patsy?

Another way of saying
you're a regular Joe.

Oh, I see.

Well, I don't know much
about your American customs,

but I must admit, it is a
very unpleasant sound.

So is a 21-gun salute.

That's true.

Now, Hogan, I
want to tell you...

There's a new prisoner
coming in today...

Corporal Walter Tillman,
serial number 3-6-3-3-4-2-

2-2.

I'm sorry, sir, I
just can't help it.

I'm a little sneaky.

That will be all.

Oh, uh, Commandant?

Yes?

Thank you, Hogan.

Thank you very much.

All right, fellas, knock it off.

Give me your attention.
I've got some news for you.

Don't tell me the
ruddy war's over

and we've got to
leave this rest home.

No. There's a new
prisoner coming in today.

Mm, I hope he's French.

I'm dying to hear someone
speak French again.

Hey, I'll help you out.

Uh, bonn jur, madam-ozel
from Arrenteers.

From Arrenteers.

Listen, listen,
he's an American.

His name is Corporal
Walter Tillman.

I want a security alert until
we find out more about him.

You think he might
be a plant, Colonel?

Not necessarily... it's
just the usual precaution.

Looks like they might
be bringing him in now.

Let's have a look.

He ain't exactly a
spring chicken, is he?

That's the oldest-looking
corporal I've ever seen.

Hey, what's after
corporal in your army?

For him? Social security.

How are you? I'm Newkirk.

Newkirk, go away.

Please don't make any trouble.

LeBeau, Carter,
go away, go away.

Achtung!

Make way for the commandant!

So, this is the
new prisoner, huh?

Ha!

Hogan, it looks
as if the Americans

have scraped the bottom
of the manpower barrel.

I notice it took four
men to bring him in.

Think of the trouble you're
gonna have with the younger ones.

Silence!

Corporal, I run this
camp with an iron hand.

There has never been an escape,

and all rules and regulations
will be obeyed to an umlaut!

Is that not so, Hogan?

Anything you say, Colonel.

Let's have a cheer
for the Commandant.

Thank you, Colonel Hogan.

Come on, Pop, I'll show
you where you sleep.

Here you are, Schultz.

You'll be losing your head next.

Jolly joker! Hm!

That one's yours, Pop.

Okay, Hogan.

It's Colonel Hogan.

Yeah? Well, I'll remember that.

What outfit were you with, Pop?

605th Engineers.

Attached to the 82nd Airborne.

And don't ask me any
questions about baseball.

Any German spy knows
more about it than I do.

You know how it is,
Pop... Can't be too careful.

Yeah. I know.

And knock it off with that
"Pop" routine, will you?

If that's the way you want it.

That's the way I want it.

Hey, look...
American cigarettes...

Give me those!

Uh... well, uh, it's
the only pack I got.

Yeah, well, there's a war on.

Tillman, didn't your mother ever
teach you anything about sharing?

Maybe his mother
doesn't know he smokes.

Well, maybe we should
take his cigarettes away

so his mother won't be unhappy.

Yeah, that's what
we ought to do.

Well, don't start anything...
Someone might get hurt.

What gave you that idea, Pop?

Knock it off. Go take
a shower, Tillman.

What's with that guy?

He's a bad apple, Colonel.

I'll bet you were
right about him.

I'll bet you
anything he's a spy.

And we know how to
take care of Monsieur Spy.

I don't know.

Do you think he's
all right, Colonel?

No, he's all wrong.

No spy would start off by
antagonizing everybody.

Well, I don't
trust him. Me, too.

Gentlemen, I don't think
Corporal Tillman has

the proper social
qualifications for our group.

Not that I want to
be a snob, mind you.

No. Oh, no.

But I think for the good of all,

we ought to have him
shipped to another camp.

Yeah. Oh, nothing to it.

Just put him in for a
transfer, I suppose.

That's right, that's exactly
how it's going to be done.

Hi, LeBeau. Got a match?

Mais oui, mon Colonel.

You soak the papers good?

Did I soak the papers good?

Can't you smell the gasoline?

Fire! Fire! Fire!
Fire! Fire! Fire!

How did this fire start?

It was an accident,
sir. I'm sorry.

It was an accident?

Oh, Colonel, you know
that wasn't an accident.

Quiet, Kinch! He doesn't
know what he's talking about.

I think he does.

Kinch, what do you
know about this fire?

I know nothing, nothing. See?

I do not see.

We're going to
discuss this in my office.

Now, I demand to
know the man's name.

I cannot betray
a fellow prisoner.

Ah, it's a prisoner. Oops.

Is it one of the men who
tried to put out the fire?

No.

Is it someone whose barracks
are on this side of the camp?

Yes, and he's bigger
than a bread box.

Is it...

Oh.

Is it one of a
group of prisoners

who arrived last week?

No, but you're
on the right track.

Is it one of the new prisoners?

Schultz!

I'm running this interrogation.

Now, you stay out of it.

Let me think.

Is it one of the new prisoners?

Yes.

Now we're getting somewhere.

New prisoner.

Barracks on this side.

That's it! That's it!

It's the new prisoner.

The-The-The Alte!

Schultz! Is that right?

Is he the one? What's his name?

Walter Tillman, Corporal.

That's the one. You
wormed it out of me.

I didn't tell you.

A couple of weeks in the cooler

will teach this Tillman
not to start fires.

Wrong, Commandant.
That won't cure him.

Tillman is a sick man.

He likes to start fires
and watch them burn.

Can't help himself.

I've heard of cases like that.

But sick or not sick,

he's not going to
burn my camp down.

Maybe there's another
camp he could burn down.

Now, Hogan, let me remind
you, this is a very ser...

Another camp?

Stalag 18.

Commandant Schweinbrunner.

He's always telling me

that his efficiency rating
is higher than mine...

Just because his brother-in-law
is Himmler's barber.

That would be a
good one It sure would.

This is a private joke!

Schultz... have
Tillman transferred

to Stalag 18 immediately.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

There's a truck leaving today.

Good. Now, Hogan, that was
quick work putting out the fire,

but it shouldn't have
happened in the first place.

You don't maintain
strict enough discipline.

An iron hand, that's
what they need.

I'm working on it, sir.

Well, try harder.

Oh, I will, I
will, I surely will.

All right, what is it,
Corporal Walter Tillman?

I was just looking for a match.

And it's not Corporal
Walter Tillman.

No?

No.

What is it, then?

It's General Tillman
Walters, Signal Corps.

General!

Tell me, General, what are you
doing here at Stalag 13, slumming?

Naturally you let yourself
be captured on purpose.

All right, Hogan, I know
you've got to be careful,

but I'm here to do a
vitally important job.

And you need my help. I
can't do the job without it.

Sure, General...

count on me for anything.

Your message code is
"unsung heroes," I believe.

You seem to know a lot.

There'll be a message
coming in on the BBC in...

three minutes.

I think it will
explain everything.

Until the last pockets of
resistance were wiped out

and the Allies now
occupy the village.

Sherman tanks have
continued northward

pursuing the fleeing
Panzer divisions.

And now a word for
our unsung heroes.

Whether you are a
general or a private,

our thoughts and
hopes are with you.

Each of you has a vital sense
of dedication and mission.

We give you the gratitude
that comes from a full heart,

and be assured of
our complete support.

Huh.

"General with you.

"Has vital mission.

Give full and complete support."

Satisfied, Colonel Hogan?

Yeah, Pop... I mean, General.

All right, now,
here's the mission:

The Germans are
building rocket plants,

and it's been our strategy
to let them build the plant,

tying up manpower and
materiel as they build,

and then, just before
they're ready for production,

we bomb the plant.

Sounds like good sport, sir.

Up to now, it's
worked perfectly.

But the biggest
plant they've built

is 30 miles dead east of here,

and it's almost completed. See?

Now you're just
about ready to...

I wish it was that easy.

You see, the weather's
locked in the plant.

The bombers
can't find the target.

However, we've
charted a radar course

that should zero us
right in on the target.

That's where we come in. Right.

We've got to install a
radar unit in this camp.

It's the last link in the relay,

and the bombers
take over from there.

Hmm.

What's on your mind?

I'm trying to figure out

where we can pick
up a radar installation.

Knowing you guys, you'll
come up with one, too.

However, there's
no need for that.

I've got one right here.

Look at this.

There...

the latest thing in radar.

Battery operated,

gives out a strong
signal for two hours.

We find the right
place to mount it,

I activate it,

The bombers come
over on schedule,

and up goes the
rocket plant in flames.

That I'd like to see.

Flames...

What's the matter?

You're being transferred
to Stalag 18 today.

Transferred? Why?

Because you're a firebug, sir.

I've got the men out

getting the necessary
equipment, sir.

Good. I've been
going over the figures.

We should be able

to have that
radar unit installed

in an hour and a half.

When are the planes coming over?

In two hours and a quarter.

Should be able to make it then.

We've got to make it.

This what you had in mind, sir?

Say, that's perfect.

And I've cut the wire in
50-foot pieces, like you said.

Good.

What about Schultz?

Well, he's a very
unhappy man, sir.

It seems he has to transfer
a firebug to Stalag 18,

and the truck wouldn't start.

What a shame.

What's wrong with the truck?

I think there was a lot
of sand in the crankcase.

And some little
rocks in the gearbox.

Good heavens!

How could a thing
like that happen?

LeBEAU: I don't know.

Haven't got a clue.

It's funny how coincidences
sort of pile up, ain't it?

You know, I'd
hate to be in a war

with you guys on the other side.

Okay, that's 120 degrees.

120 degrees.

Now 42 degrees left.

42 degrees left.

Get a reading.

All right, Newkirk,
down periscope.

All right.

That's it.

42 degrees.

Now, 50 feet on this line.

Carter, LeBeau.

Give us about 50
feet of line, huh?

Okay, Carter, get going.

Little bit to the left.

Little bit more.

Okay, Carter,
stop. That's perfect.

Up periscope.

Pull in your line, huh?

Right.

Colonel Hogan!

Colonel Hogan, I've
been looking for you.

I can't stop to talk
now, Schultz... I'm busy.

I have to take the prisoner
to Stalag 18 right away.

What's the rush?

I'll tell you what's the rush.

Commandant Klink
thinks he's already there.

What are you planning on
using for transportation, Schultz?

The truck isn't working.

Yeah, but the motorcycle is.

Motorcycle?

Sorry, Colonel.

I'm glad.

First, I have to see
that he has no matches.

It's terrible to be so
suspicious, Schultz.

What difference
does an hour make?

I'll tell you what
difference it makes.

If Commandant Klink
finds out that he's still here,

I could be on my way to
the Russian front in an hour.

Here comes Klink.

What is going on here?

What is going on?

Furthermore, I'm not going

to put up with this
sloppy discipline

and laxness any longer.

Now shape up or get out.

Get out? Where?

Figure of speech.

Now, look, I want to see
you guys all clean-shaven,

and I want to see
those boots shined.

I want to see a little pride.

Remember, we're all
prisoners of the Third Reich.

Let's try to live up to it.

Very good, Hogan.

You sound almost
like a German officer.

Coming from you,
Commandant, that's high praise.

I said almost.

Schultz, let's go.

Something we can
do for you, Schultz?

All right, now
let's get cracking.

Where's Tillman?

Nice going, Colonel.

All right, come on.
We're running out of time.

Check that last reading.

All right. Down periscope.

Now, what was that
last reading, Colonel?

52 degrees left and
the distance: 50 feet.

That does it.

Where does the radar unit go?

Oh, no.

We're sunk.

Why?

The unit has to go on
top of the guard tower

at the extreme left edge.

We can't do a thing
with that guard up there,

and besides, it's
outside the fence.

It's a problem,

but for every problem
there's a solution.

Well, this one has to be
solved in less than an hour,

because that's when
the bombers are due.

LeBeau, get your camera.

I'm out of film.

You don't need film.

Get your camera
and make it quick.

Okay.

Meet you by the guard
tower in five minutes.

General, I have no idea.

Hello, Colonel Hogan.

Hi, Helga. Commandant in?

I'm sorry, he's taking his nap.

I'll see him later.

Hold it.

Come here... a
little bit to the left.

What is it, Colonel Hogan?

You know, Helga,

I never realized what
perfect bone structure

you have for photography.

I have? Perfect?

The best I've ever seen.

You know, with
your bone structure,

you'd be a natural for movies.

Ah, you've been told
that a thousand times.

No, never.

Aw, come on. You're kidding me.

Hey, look, I've got a
friend in Hollywood.

If you got some
pictures of yourself,

I could send them to him.

And after the war, who knows?

You could be a big star.

I think I'd like that.

But I don't have
any photographs.

Oh, what a shame.

My friend would be crazy
about your bone structure.

Why don't you come outside?

I'll take the pictures myself.

But the commandant.

He's asleep. He'll never know.

Hey, look, you
got a bathing suit?

Sometimes these producers
like to see more than bones.

Ready? Okay.

Perfect!

Good girl.

LeBEAU: Do something else.

Turn around. That's good.

Beautiful!

That's great. Another one now.

That's my girl!

Now another one. That's it.

Another one.

LeBEAU: That's it. Good girl.

Oh, beautiful, Helga!

Good one. Do something else.

Here's to you, General.

Thank you.

Cheers. Cheers.

We were saving this
champagne for a special occasion,

but I can't think of a more
special occasion than this.

Right.

In 27 and a half minutes.

I just wish I could
stay for the show.

It's too dangerous.

We'll have Sergeant Olsen
take you to the pickup point

so Schultz can't wander
in and transfer you.

Well, I suppose you're right.

All right, fellas, get this
stuff out of here, huh?

I'll do it right away, Colonel.

Wait a minute, wait
a minute. Hold it.

Who tied this knot?

I did.

It broke and I tied it together.

What's wrong with that?

Let me see that.

That'll make it
six inches shorter.

When did this happen?

On the last measurement.

That means that radar unit

has got to be moved six
inches more to the left.

Will a six-inch error make
that much difference?

Well, considering the
distance of the radar signal

to the target, it
could mean an error

of around 2,000
yards at the drop.

We've got to get
you out of here,

so I'll take care of it.

We'll move the radar signal.

Okay, it's up to you, Hogan.

And remember, 26 minutes.

Yes, sir.

Good luck, and
don't worry about it.

We'll be able to do it.

Thank you. Pop.

Good luck, General. Don't worry.

It's like Petticoat
Lane on a Sunday.

We haven't got a chance.

The whole German Army is here.

Newkirk, you got your
pencil sharpener with you?

I'd feel undressed
without it, sir.

Think you can you get the
tire on that car from here?

Nothing to it.

Go ahead, and don't miss.

Newkirk, I'm sick and tired of
your horseplay with the knives!

I've just about had it with you!

I saw that!

Colonel Klink, I'm
sorry about this.

He'll be punished for this.

It'll serve you right if
you have to fix that tire!

If? Certainly he'll fix it.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

That's out of the question.

The Geneva Conference
rules out menial labor.

The Geneva Conference
says nothing about fixing tires.

The Geneva Conference
is quite explicit about this.

Hogan!

All right, but I want you to
know this is under protest.

Newkirk, fix that tire.

Hey, you, let them do it!

So, that's what you were up to.

Five minutes.

Are you sure that
was six inches?

No, I didn't have
anything to measure it with.

Exactly six inches.