Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 23 - The 43rd, a Moving Story - full transcript

CBS presents this
program in color.

How's the decoding
coming, Kinch?

Uh, in a minute.

But it don't look too good.

St. Louis Browns are in first
place in the American League.

And the bank is
about to foreclose

on "Mary Noble, Backstage Wife."

Again? How'll we ever
break this to Carter?

Break what to Carter?

Brace yourself, boy,
this is going to be rough.

Oh, those eyes.



Kinch, you tell him.

The bank is going to
foreclose on Mary Noble.

I can't take much more of this.

Put the rest of these...

Here he is, Colonel.

Picked him up about
half a mile from camp.

Oh, good. Lynch.

We've been expecting you, Lynch.

Colonel Hogan.

Well, I got the stuff for you.

Enough explosives here to
blow this camp clear to Berlin.

Yeah, well, we don't
know anybody in Berlin.

Where are the rest
of the instructions?

Uh, "The Germans' 43rd
Mobile Anti-Aircraft Battery



is stationed at Kaiserhof."

That's that new battery

that's been knocking off our
bombers like clay pigeons.

"Important raid planned for
chemical works at Kaiserhof

"in 48 hours.

"Imperative knock out
43rd Battery prior to raid.

Explosives on the way."

Well, you got your
work cut out for you.

My job was a cinch...
just bring in the explosives.

Hey, they didn't send any
detonator caps with them.

Of course not.

They never send
the detonator caps

in the same package
with the explosives.

It's too dangerous.

Here, excuse me a second.

What? Excuse me...

That's against reg...

Nurse.

Careful... there you go.

There, my friend...
the detonator caps.

Tell the rest of the fellas

there'll be a briefing
in the barracks.

Right.

I was carrying the explosives

and the detonator caps?

Mm-hmm. Right.

As you said, Lynch,
your job was a cinch.

All right, Carter and Newkirk,

you'll pick up the
German vehicle here.

LeBeau, this uniform
doesn't fit at all.

Of course not.

If it fit, you'd be
picked up at once.

You know Germans
are abominable tailors.

Now, listen,

you'll drive to the
43rd ack-ack battery,

posing as ordnance inspectors.

Now, while Newkirk is
supposedly inspecting the guns,

you, Carter, will plant
one of these little valentines

right at the base
of the recoil frame.

And when they
get off their first shot

and the guns start to recoil...

Yeah.

Now, when you
bring the car back,

you'll park it here.

Don't forget to
take enough change

for the parking meter.

Watch it... Schultz!

Scatter, everybody.

Eh, four. Four?

One, two, three, four.

"You have been
arrested for speeding.

Go to jail, pay the
fine and lose one turn."

Hi, Schultz.

Playing children's games.

What is this war coming to?

Games?

Want to know what
we were really doing?

No. No. It's a game.

It's a game.

What else would
you boys be doing?

No, no, no, no.

I want to know
nothing... nothing!

Okay, Schultz.

What is wrong with him?

Oh, he's sick,
Schultz, very sick.

He's got measles.

Ja, and they're German.

German measles!

He's lazy, that's what he is.

Was ist los?

Was ist los?

Was-was-was ist los?

Newkirk, what are
you doing in there?

Newkirk!

You won't believe this, Schultz,

but I'm dressed in
a German uniform

and I'm going to walk right
out that ruddy front gate.

Jolly jokers!

Jolly jokers!

All of you!

Jolly jokers!

Hey, did you see Schultz?
He nearly caught me!

I'm sorry, I forgot.

Uh, Colonel Hogan,

Kommandant Klink wishes
you to come to his office.

He wants you to meet the new
Executive Officer, Major Kuehn.

Oh, boy!

Our new Executive Officer, huh?

Doggone! I thought I
was going to get that job.

293 attempted escapes

instead of 291,
as you indicated.

I did not feel it necessary

to include those two attempts.

They were made by my guards.

Inaccurate records.

Major Kuehn, may I remind you

that you are only
second in command here

and that your
appointment is temporary.

One might also
express it this way:

I am temporarily
second in command.

Come in.

Ah, Colonel Hogan.

Colonel Hogan,
this is Major Kuehn.

He is temporarily
second in com...

He's second in command.

I am the new Executive Officer.

And you are the
famous Colonel Hogan,

whose men have been unable
to escape in 293 attempts.

29l.

Don't give me credit
for the two guards.

We covered that.

Colonel Hogan, I
want to warn you.

If anything should
happen to Colonel Klink...

Happen?

An accident...

or a replacement,

in the normal course
of military routine.

At any rate, Colonel Hogan,

if anything should
happen to Colonel Klink,

you will find yourself

against an even more
iron-willed adversary.

Impossible!

Um, uh, who might that be?

Myself, Colonel.

I will show you the kind of
man you will be dealing with.

Beginning tonight,
I took the liberty

of doubling the guards
around the perimeter.

Now, just a minute!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

If there haven't
been any escapes,

why double the guards?

Yes, why?

To put an end to those attempts.

Now, see here, Major,

may I remind you that I
am the Kommandant here,

and, as such, I
make the decisions.

Very interesting.

I must remember to mention
it to my dear Uncle Karl

when I write him.

Uncle Karl?

Yes, uh, Field Marshal
Karl Von Streicher

of the General Staff.

His specialty is
military protocol.

Have you read his book
on the chain of command?

No.

I have.

Not a laugh in the book.

Well, look, I've, uh,
got to be moving along.

You'll probably want
to get started on a letter

to your dear Uncle Karl.

Just a minute.

As I said, I make
the decisions here,

and I have decided
to tighten security

by doubling the guard
around the perimeter.

Very wise, Colonel.

Perhaps the letter
to my uncle can wait.

Good day, Colonel Hogan.

Little trouble, Klink?

Well, after all,
he's a young man,

an ambitious
man... with an uncle.

In any case, I'm not concerned.

Well, I guess you
don't have to be.

After all, you
have three choices.

Three choices?

Mm-hmm. Resign your commission,

ask for transfer to
the Eastern Front or...

pray for an Allied invasion.

What happened?

The whole place is
crawling with Krauts up there!

They've doubled the guard.

We barely made it
back to the tunnel.

Boy, this place is getting
just like a P.O.W. camp.

Kinch, call the sub.

Kuehn doesn't waste any time.

There goes the mission.

But what about that
raid on Kaiserhof?

Maybe they'll delay it till
we get Kuehn out of the way.

Papa Bear calling
Goldilocks... come in.

Hello, Goldilocks,
this is Papa Bear.

That surprise
party for Kaiserhof...

Can it be put off
for a few nights?

No can do, Papa Bear.

Surprise party goes
on as scheduled.

Do the best you can.

All right. Roger and out.

The raid goes as scheduled.

That's rough.

You're gonna lose
some mighty good boys.

You're right.

Tell Lynch to fall
out for roll call.

But that's gonna put us
one man over, Colonel.

A little bonus for the Germans.

What are you going to
do after the war, Schultzy?

Surrender, what else?

I hear they're going to put
Schultz in charge of Rhode Island.

Well, if they do, I hope
he won't sit down on it.

15, sixt...

Colonel Hogan, please!

There are 16.

We are supposed to have only 15.

It's just like
income tax, Schultz.

If the mistake is in
your favor, keep quiet.

Well, I have to count again!

All right, be my guest.

15 men.

Raus!

Eins, zwei, drei,
vier, funf......

dreizehn, vierzehn, funfzehn!

Ah, now it's 15!
I'm losing my mind.

Schultz, somebody's trying

to escape in the
back of that car.

Someone is trying to
escape in the back of the car...

Where?

Right there.

No...

Ach du lieber!

Schultz, what is it?

What is it?

What are you doing in there?

I was shot down last night, sir.

This morning, I saw this
car parked alongside the road

so I crawled in it and
hid under the blanket.

Major Kuehn, take
the prisoner to my office

so that I may interrogate him.

Colonel, according
to regulations,

interrogations are conducted
by the Executive Officer.

Schultz, that's what I said.

Take the prisoner to my
office so that Major Kuehn

may interrogate him.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!

Raus!

Raus, raus, raus, raus!

I know it's a
complicated war, Colonel,

but I just don't see
how we're going to win

by capturing our own men.

It's a subtle game, Newkirk.

What you just saw was the
first step in our overall strategy.

Well, what do we do now?

We wait.

For them to make a mistake?

No. For me to think
of the next step.

They didn't get anything
out of you, did they?

Name, rank and
serial number, that's all.

Well, that's more
than they got out of me.

Sit down.

He couldn't remember
his serial number.

Look, Newkirk, get him
out of the secret tunnel;

and Lynch, thank you so
much for your assistance.

It was nothing. Had a
nice time at your party.

This way, mate.

Well, good luck.

Take care. Have
a good trip, Lynch.

LeBeau, my boy, we
are ready for phase two.

Oui, mon Colonel.

Now, you cannot blame
prisoners for not giving information.

I know a man is keeping secrets

when he avoids
looking directly at me.

Even Fraulein Helga noticed it.

That's right, sir.

The Sergeant's eyes kept moving

away from you and
looking over at me.

You see?

And he didn't even
look me in the eye!

Perhaps you're right.

They can't be trusted.

Fraulein.

Colonel Hogan is here.

Colonel Hogan, you will
please refrain from whistling.

I'm sorry, sir.

It's just such a beautiful day.

By the way, could
we leave the lights on

later than usual tonight?

We're having a celebration.

Celebration?

Mm-hmm.

The news today was...

It's such a lovely day,
we want to celebrate.

News? You said, "news".

Well, it's a lovely day.

It's probably going to
be a lovely night, too.

With a big full moon. Huh?

A bomber's moon. Ah,
but don't worry about that.

You've got that great
antiaircraft battery at Kaiserhof.

What's... what's the number?

Uh, uh... uh, 43rd.

How do you know about that?

Don't worry. It won't
get out of this camp.

Colonel Hogan, lights out will
be the same as usual tonight.

We are not interested
in your celebrations.

Okay, I'll try again tomorrow.

Maybe we'll have
more to celebrate.

Uh, Helga, honey,
do yourself a favor.

If you have a date tonight,
stay out of Hammelburg.

Did you hear that?

The information was
brought in by the new prisoner.

Indeed.

Of course. They're bombing
Hammelburg tonight.

Very interesting. How
did you arrive at that?

It's like putting two
and two together.

Now, Hogan intimated
there would be a bombing.

And you heard him tell Fraulein
Helga to stay out of Hammelburg.

Now, listen, we must call
General Burkhalter at once

and tell him to move
the 43rd to Hammelburg.

You have fallen into
Colonel Hogan's trap.

He wanted you
to believe that lie.

Of course. I wasn't fooled.

I was testing you.

I know Hogan like a book.

He's snooping around
on the side here.

Yeah, he's looking
for something.

Let's give it to him.

Have the men fall out.

Make sure they line
up near this corner.

We don't want
Kuehn to miss a word.

All right. All right.

I don't know, either...

I don't know what he wants.

Come on, what's going on?

All right, all right. Let
me have your attention.

I have several
announcements to make.

Number one... whoever
stole Newkirk's watch, forget it.

He just stole it back.

Good job. Good job.

Now, my next
announcement concerns us all.

It will not be very
welcome news.

What do you mean
by that then, Colonel?

What's going on, Colonel?

As you all know,
tomorrow's the day

that the Red Cross packages
are scheduled to arrive.

Yeah. Sure.

Now they're going to
be unavoidably detained,

if not destroyed.

Why?! Oh, boy!

However, once you
learn the reason why,

I don't think you're
going to be disappointed.

You mean...?

That's exactly what I mean.

That's all. Fall out.

Oh, boy!

Will you be needing
me, Herr Major?

Not for the present, my dear.

I'll finish the letter to
my Uncle Karl later.

Major Kuehn, about your
uncle, the Field Marshal...

Uncle Karl?

Yes.

Oh!

Have you been
thinking that possibly

I might use this
close connection

to your disadvantage?

Well, of course, I...

May I remind you, sir,

that I am second in command here

and that my loyalty
rests with you.

Splendid!

And may I say to you, sir,

if my uncle were
a Field Marshal,

I would be equally generous.

As a matter of fact...

Ja, ja, ja, ja.

By the way, Colonel, I
believe the Red Cross truck

with the prisoners'
packages is due tomorrow.

Yes, that's true.

I am just curious.

What is the route the truck
takes to reach Stalag 13?

May I show you?

I am quite good with
maps, by the way.

You know, I studied
Tactics at Command School.

Now, here we are.

The trucks leave
from the southwest.

They go through Kleinhoff,

Bad Stroheim, Weisskirchen,

and Hammelburg.

Now...

Thank you, Colonel.

But I was about to
show you some features

of tactical interest for
students of World War I.

Colonel, have you checked
the gate security recently?

No. But Verdun is of
special significance.

Regulations state
specifically that gate security

should be checked
daily by the Commandant.

Yes, of course.

I customarily do
just that at this time.

You know, I have great
confidence in you, Major.

Great confidence.

I don't trust that man.

Major Kuehn here.

Get me General Burkhalter's
headquarters at once.

Ah...

Hammelburg.

Burkhalter here.
What is it, Major?

General, I have just extracted

some vital information
from a prisoner.

An enormous air
strike is on for tonight.

Target: Hammelburg!

Yes, sir, I am
absolutely positive.

Undoubtedly, it's the
munitions works there.

Sir, I am certain the
prisoner wasn't lying.

I got the information
so cleverly,

he wasn't even aware
he made the slip.

With the General's permission,

may I strongly
suggest that you move

the 43rd Mobile Antiaircraft
Battery to Hammelburg at once?

I will see to it immediately.

And good work, Kuehn.

Thank you, Herr General.

Colonel, the fly walked
right into your parlor, he did.

Yep. And he brought

the 43rd Ack-Ack Battery
right along with him.

Kinch, contact the sub.

Right, and tell them
that everything's okay

for the raid on Kaiserhof, huh?

Right! Oh, and by the
way, for Carter's sake,

will you find about "Mary
Noble, Backstage Wife"?

If it's any more bad news,

I don't want to hear it.

Want to see me, Major?

Yes. Is your barracks policed up

and your men
ready for inspection?

Yeah. What's the occasion?

General Burkhalter is
due to arrive any moment.

And, Hogan, I want you to know
I appreciate your helpfulness.

I helped you in some way?

Unknowingly. You were shrewd.

Shrewd enough for most men.

Colonel Klink, for example,
was completely taken in.

But not you, huh, Major?

Major Kuehn!

May I ask why I was not informed

about the upcoming visit
of General Burkhalter?

Very simple, Colonel.

General Burkhalter is
coming to see me, not you.

But the Commandant
must always be informed

about a visit of
such importance!

Of course, you still
are the Commandant.

Very well. You are informed.

And may I also inform
you that General Burkhalter,

in his message, told me he
was bringing me a surprise,

and I strongly suspect that
surprise is a close relative.

You don't mean the...?

His uncle, the Field Marshal.

You ought to read his book.

Silence! I'll lend you my copy.

There's General Burkhalter now!

General Burkhalter, may I
welcome you to Stalag l3.

Out of my way, Klink.

This is the man I came to see.

Major Kuehn?

Ja, Herr General.

Major, about that
information you phoned me,

regarding last night's raid...

Did you know
about that, Klink? No!

Sir, he phoned you?!

Naturally.

Boy, you can't trust

anybody nowadays.

Was the operation
successful, sir?

Enormously.

From the point of
view of the Allies!

Allies?! Allies?!

We're the good guys.

You blundering fool!

Getting me to move
the 43rd to Hammelburg!

But, but, but...

Didn't they bomb...?

Kaiserhof, yes!

The chemical works there
were reduced to rubble.

It-It-It-It-It was Hammelburg!

He told me!

How would I know
a thing like that?

Don't try to squirm
out of this, Kuehn.

Klink, can you get
along temporarily

without an Executive Officer?

Yes, I can, sir.

Oh, now, wait a minute!

You can't take Major Kuehn.

He's the only
friend we have here.

Why, just last night, the fellas voted
to make him an honorary prisoner.

Honorary? Well...

when I get back to Berlin,

I will see to it that
it is made official!

I warn you, I shall protest

to my uncle, Field
Marshal Von Streicher!

I wouldn't count too heavily

on the help from
your uncle, Kuehn.

Last night, the Field Marshal
was on an inspection tour

that took him, unfortunately,

to the chemical
works at Kaiserhof!

And I wanted to get you an
autographed copy of his book.

The Colonel will be
here in a moment.

Thanks, Helga.

He seems very angry with you.

Have you done something naughty?

No, but I might as well.

Hogan, I am holding you
responsible for the escape.

What escape?

Lynch's.

He ruined my perfect record.

Now you and your men
are going to pay for it.

This is the first
and the last escape.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

How could you lose
something you never had?

What? What?

How did Lynch get in here?

Now, you know
that perfectly well.

In the backseat of
Major Kuehn's staff car.

What if I were to tell you
he got out the same way?

What? What?

He came in in the back
of Kuehn's staff car,

and he went out

in the back of
Kuehn's staff car.

He was never your prisoner.

He was Kuehn's stooge... a spy.

I have my records right here.

His name...

his rank...

and it's gone.

You know, Hogan, I never
really trusted Major Kuehn.

Really?

I think that Lynch was a spy.

Brilliant.

Oh, boy.

You never miss a trick.

My record remains unblemished.

Not one escape.

Mm-hmm.

But we'll keep trying,

even though we're
no match for you.

Naturally.

And I admire your spirit.